Portland Timbers 3-2 Columbus Crew, Plus MLS Week 1 Notes/Theories/Bullshit

No, seriously. Buffets are almost always bad.

I’d call that a decent opening weekend. This post looks to recap portions of that, but it also doubles as a first step in to a different, still unsettled approach to digesting a reasonable amount of the never-ending buffet that the average Major League Soccer matchday has become in the 30-team era.

Still working on the model for that, but to get the main programming note out of the way, I noticed that the recaps offered through Apple TV all appear to have come in at around 10 minutes so far. Assuming that holds, MLS Wrap Up is dead to me. Some non-trivial number of fans seemed turned off by MLS’s in-house talent – aka, Sacha Kljestan, Dax McCarty, Bradley Wright-Phillips, Kaylyn Kyle and (for me, the insufferable) Kevin Egan – which, here, means they actively hated them, so it looks like they’ve turned that into a loose narrative told over a bundle of short highlight clips. Sure, the in-house talent said some stupid shit, and I may be alone in missing the banter, but all those people still said something amidst the blah-blah-blah and you simply lose all of that in a two-minute clip of disconnected highlights.

Ten minutes, on the other hand, gives a fella something to work with. For as long as (the notoriously cheap and unreliable) Apple TV keeps that up, the plan going forward will be to: 1) watch and report on my Portland Timbers every week and whomever they played; 2) watch 45 minutes of three other games, one more involving a Western Conference team and two involving at least one Eastern Conference team, plus 3) tentatively going with five 10-minute recaps for the other games that interest me…

…while it would be a little harsh to say the rest of the games can gently fuck off, I’m also not not saying that. With that, lets get to this week’s results starting with a section I intend to use as framing:

Results That Surprised Me
DC United 1-0 Philadelphia Union (good on Tai Baribo for that celebration; DC needs that)
Orlando City SC 1-2 Red Bull New York (see below*)
San Diego FC 5-0 Club du Foot Montreal (this is just about the score line, mind you)

If your result does not appear up above, fear not. It doesn’t mean it wasn’t interesting, inspiring, or even a little jazzy. It takes a lot to phase me after all these seasons. With that, let’s turn our attention to the main event for this week and, let’s face it, every week on the regular season calendar…

Wait. Is "doe eyes" just a look?

Portland Timbers 3-2 Columbus Crew
What Passes for a Match Report
Between their fitful, gently constipated 2025 season, a new manager (who I know nothing about), and a road game, I gave Portland the edge in this one. The Timbers didn’t deliver emphatically – hell, they even coughed up a 50/50 on the stats battle – but, between subs and starters, they never stopped pushing, the new guys (aka, Alex Bonetig, Brandon Bye, and Cole Bassett) looked fine or better (more later) and they kept enough of their shit together to where they could score a winner. About that…

The fluke factor on Portland’s first and third goals make them functionally non-replicable – a tic in Portland’s attack that has carried over for three, four seasons now – and that’s where you take the result, celebrate three banked points and look for future improvements with a kind of doe-eyed optimism that is, frankly, embarrassing in any setting outside of fandom or activism. That said, I have concerns, and that’s where the talking points begin…

Three (Four) Notes/Questions About the Result
1) A (Potentially) Major Defensive Issue
I have now watched two games in 2026 where the Timbers defense have left Zone 14 (aka, the space at the top of the 18) crazy fucking open (the grasping preseason win over Chicago is the other example). By that I mean, the defense/defensive midfield keeps leaving opposition attackers effectively free in that space and with the attacking third equivalent of a lifetime in which to operate. This goes beyond Diego Rossi scoring the equalizer from that same area (it's called a "must-see banger" in the caption, ffs); Columbus attackers received the ball in that space again, again, and (fucking) again, and with zero pressure coming on the pass and a mere fraction of greater pressure when they received it. Should this continue, I can’t imagine this won’t be a problem going forward, maybe even a lethal one.

2) Cole Bassett Stan
Bassett was good on Saturday. The assist was swell and all that – gave the Timbers their only competent goal, etc. (smart finish by Antony, something else I found encouraging) – but the two things I most appreciated about his game were, 1) the way he consistently offered himself as an passing outlet, particularly on every move up the left; and 2) how quickly he moves the ball, just because. When combined, those traits bring two things to the Timbers possession/attacking structure that have been missing for seasons. Passing the ball quickly, even when it goes 10 yards or fewer, forces the defense to shift and opens possibilities. Not every past has to break the defense, goddammit, and that looks like something Bassett gets in a way that too many recent Timbers hopefuls haven’t. Here’s to hoping he doesn’t forget that.

3) Something Someone Needs to Say to Velde
I can’t remember where I heard this, but some MLS coach told some player that he needs him to be the guy that finishes the play, as opposed to the guy who creates it. For me, Kristoffer Velde needs to absorb that advice more than any Timbers player. To be clear, I celebrate Velde’s commitment and work-rate and salute the way he atoned for the sins that led to Columbus’ opener by forcing the turnover that lead to Portland’s (then) go-ahead goal (see "only competent goal" above), but Velde’s estimation of his ability to beat players on the dribble computes to the real world at something like a 20:1 ratio (e.g., he pulls off an attacking dribble once in every 20 attempts; yes, I’m exaggerating this for affect). As such, one thing I hope to see when Bassett and David Da Costa take the field, and on either side of the player the Timbers elect to screen the defense while those two fuck off to glory, is Velde tidy up his game to where he’s beating ONE defender and getting the ball off his goddamn foot.

4) Is Brandon Bye > JDM?

I think yes. And I like it.

So, this week will not look like future weeks, in that I watched MLS Wrap Up instead of prowling around the highlights. I’m still going to wrap up with the notes I have on the games I watched too long, as well as flagging some points of interest I got out of MLS Wrap Up. Going from the most closely observed to the least…

Vancouver Whitecaps 1-0 Real Salt Lake
Why This Game?
I wanted to check on Vancouver’s momentum from 2025. Also, what the hell is going on with RSL?

What I Saw
Because I watched only the second half (i.e., the period when Vancouver scored the winner), I missed Thomas Muller skimming his shot off the post and Brian White skying the rebound (in here somewhere). That presented as a minor detail when the broadcast booth expressed surprise at a flat first half for the ‘Caps, up to and including an argument for calling subs on the grounds that the starters were “just not getting it done.” Somewhat related, Vancouver’s winner, scored off a typically early-season bobble from a deflection of a Tate Johnson cross, wasn’t exactly the bee’s knees. Based on what I saw, the story for this result was RSL’s broad inability to flip the script. As noted on reports from real pundits, RSL went all-in on playing the kids everywhere outside of the three-man backline of DeAndre Yedlin, Justen Glad and Sam Junqua and it did okay in the moment. The question is what that does over the 33 games remaining in the regular season, and even related competitions. As for Vancouver, this looks like them surviving an off-day as much as anything.

Los Angeles FC 3-0 Inter Miami CF
Why This Game?
C’mon. If this wasn’t the biggest, brazen tease of opening weekend, you’ll have to ply me with a lazy river’s worth of brandy to convince me.

Messi on Saturday, which was not Halloween.

What I Saw
I saw some stray copy about LAFC’s defensive shape and posture creating double-teams any and all times a Miami attacking player got on the ball, but, as much as LAFC’s defense decided this game, I didn’t see much that tracked with that argument. More than anything else, I saw a Messi-led Miami attack pathologically determined to play through the heart of LAFC’s narrow 4-4-2 block (and a match-fit Messi giving away the ball like candy on Halloween). Miami came within one pass of breaking through several times, but the entire approach felt like proving a theory that didn’t actually matter in the end. With Miami stopped on one end, all LAFC needed to do was score some goals…so they scored three. Denis Bouanga didn’t score the winner – David Martinez did on a finish well worth watching – but he added an insurance goal and assisted on the back-breaker for good measure. Miami proved they didn’t need to win every game to win a trophy last season, so I wouldn’t read a ton, or even an ounce, into this result – at least not beyond observing that LAFC could go pretty damn far on a formula of defending well and looking to high-end attacking talent to carry them to all three points. A tale/formula old as time…

Houston Dynamo FC 2-1 Chicago Fire FC
Why This Game?
To see how Houston had risen above last season’s frustrations and how much Chicago’s still-shivering defense allowed whatever happened to happen.

 
What I Saw
Full disclosure, I didn’t watch all of this game – the viewing window included the 11 minutes before the Fire scored their opener (20-31) and the last 30+ minutes, which correlated with Houston’s comeback – but I can’t recall a time that told me Chicago had better than a snowball’s chance of leaving Houston with three points. Hugo Cuypers scored a nice goal and I saw evidence of mighty works by Chicago here and there, but Houston always looked like the better team the ultimate result proved them to be. Something else I under-estimated: the extent to which Houston came into 2026 with a “win now” mentality. The Dynamo lit their 2025 roster on fire in a way few teams do in any calendar year (guys, they shipped Griffin Dorsey, ffs; for reference, click here and scroll down) and committed to a full rebuild after the New Year. That meant adding Lucas Halter (who?), Agustin Bouzat (who?), Guilherme (who?), as well as Mateusz Bogusz (hey, I know that guy!) and Hector Herrera (him too!). It was Guilherme who delivered Saturday’s result, if on the attacking end – and check out his pace on the opener – but he got an assist from Bouzat, and the rest of the roster.

Look, for me half of watching MLS’s Western Conference amounts to threat assessment for teams that threaten the Timbers’ capacity to rise to whatever potential they have in any given season. In that very specific sense, I like what I’m seeing from RSL. From Houston, less so.

I’m going to close this post with some random notes. Next week should feature some notes about…shit, did I commit to four or five recaps? At any rate, next week may or may not be more coherent, but I’m pulling for the latter (wait…is that more coherent or less?) with as much might as my addled brain has left in the tank. Huzzah....

Eastern Conference Notes
1) I’m impressed by Red Bull’s result at Orlando and fascinated/encouraged by their youth movement, most of whom did well or better.

2) Sam Surridge looks ready for another strong season. New England does not.

3) Montreal appears set for (yet) another season of chewing on frozen dogshit, aka, being Canada’s worst team.

Western Conference Notes
1) I’d call that result good for both Austin and Minnesota, the details just make a better case – e.g., Kevin Yeboah fired a blistering shot before scoring his winner and Facundo Torres looks like a good/wise get for Austin.

2) Petar Musa is a gift Dallas might not deserve, but I do think they’re trying, aka, nice win over Toronto, i.e., those are the wins that make a good season.

3) I expected them to lose to San Jose, particularly in San Jose, but Sporting Kansas City might be historically terrible.

Finally, let’s look ahead to next week’s games. As a (new) rule, I want to pick the three games I commit to giving the 45-minute review ahead of time. The point there is to say there is something I hope to learn and see how the theory holds up. For Week 2, those games are:

Minnesota United FC v FC Cincinnati (how’s Cincy really doing?)
FC Dallas v Nashville (i.e., who loses first, do they just bore us to death and draw?)
San Jose Earthquakes v Atlanta United FC (if San Jose can’t beat Atlanta…)

I’ll figure out the games I'll be reviewing by highlights from there. Also, I have recreated the desktop version of the Form Guide because the penny-pinchers at MLS don’t believe in supporting data any more. That’s only proprietary to the extent that it lives on a Word document, but that will ultimately go most of the way to deciding content choices going forward.

At any rate, good opening week! That’s it for this one. Till next…Monday, probably.