MLS Week 30 Form Guide ULTRA: Best Weeks, Worst Weeks and Tripping on the Cellar Stairs

Very, very, very fast walking! YEAH! HELL, YEAH!!!

[Ed. - This post is like an iceberg - most of it lurks down in the InfoBoxes below  - aka, fairly basic tables that show the last 10 results for each team in Major League Soccer, including who they played, where, and the quality of the opposition. I divide quality by: “IN,” teams in the playoffs, or projected to get there; “OUT,” means any team caught between doom and disarray, while “Marginal” teams serially straddle the playoff line.]

I’ll get to Week 30’s Top 5 moments, but I’d also like to call for a moment of silence to commemorate the week’s saddest, loneliest, least cared-for game. Orlando City SC met the Houston Dynamo on Saturday with nothing but pride and some hints of better times ahead on the line. The game ended 0-0. 3...2...1...shh…[quiet sobs, some laughter. and scene.]

Moving on.

Chocolate Mudslide to the Shield

Unless a miracle in the Western Conference meets a total collapse at the top of the Eastern Conference, the only two teams in MLS with a real shot at the Supporters’ Shield are the New York Red Bulls and Atlanta United FC. Both teams won during Week 30: Atlanta twice (a 3-4 thriller at San Jose (which included a solid candidate for GOTW), followed by a 2-0 win over Real Salt Lake), while New York might have taken too long (and it needed this one-man debacle to pad the final score to 2-0). The plot thickens next week when those same two teams meet next Sunday, but it thins out quite a bit for the rest of the season. The only really tough game left for either team is the Philadelphia Union at home - that’s New York’s and, between that and New York already being 4 points below them, that makes the Shield Atlanta’s to lose. New York gets the game at home, but it’s not like Atlanta is bad on the road (try 10-3-2). At the same time, the comparatively soft schedule for both teams means neutrals have to squeeze all the glory of this race into next Sunday. I expect all the excitement of speed-walking for the rest.

Philadelphia Has the Best Week Ever

It’s worth taking time to linger on what the Union did, not just this past weekend, but recently. That they knocked off two off two of the Western Conference’s hottest teams - the Seattle Sounders (1-0) and Sporting Kansas City (2-0), and they played the former in Seattle - only begins the story of how fast and smoothly Philly’s phinest are rolling. Not even going 7-2-1 over their last 10 contains everything about the team’s momentum. They played six of those 10 games on the road and they went 4-1-1 in those games - a number that’s doubly-impressive when set beside the Union’s 6-7-2 road record overall. This team is correcting, powerfully, and at the best possible time. Better yet, they finally found reliable scoring (that said, Jay Simpson scoring two isn’t the normal course of things).

And Seattle Had the Worst

After their cameo in Philly’s Best Week Ever, the Sounders ambled down Los Angeles for a beating at the hands of a Los Angeles Galaxy team that had not only last won against Orlando, but who’d mastered the art of fucking up in every venue (2-4-4 in their last 10). It gets darker after that, and on two levels: first, what I have in front of me says Seattle outplayed both teams, and across the board (well, the LA game, less so), but couldn’t put away either game; second, a defense that has been the envy of MLS and the secret to Seattle’s success let this happen for the third goal. I’ve noted lucky goals for Seattle for the length of their streak, and those dried up this weekend. Every streak comes to end, but Seattle should have taken at least one of these games. It shouldn't matter (see below), but stay tuned.

The Eastern Conference Stall

Of all the talking points I offered up for Week 30, I got most excited to see the Montreal Impact build their momentum, and for the New England Revolution to step on the Chicago Fire on their way out of the Eastern Conference cellar. It was very much there for both teams...but they both stalled at home - Montreal 1-1 against New York City FC, New England 2-2 against Chicago. Because they kicked off at the same time, the Revs had no way of knowing Montreal had left the door open for them, but Chicago - a team whose current team motto could read “De Leuww was off target” - is either a must-win at home, or the shortest explanation for why your season failed (“well, there was that time we lost to Chicago at home down the stretch"). They really ran up the numbers too, and Christian Penilla scored a beauty too, but it looked like Aleksandar Katai had answers for everything. It’s a little less dire for Montreal, standing five points outside the wilderness, but they still have DC to worry about - and as early as next week.

Big Win for Big D

After hitting something like bottom in early August (what else does one call losing at home to San Jose?), and under the cover of teams doing much more interesting things, Dallas has quietly put the pieces back together. Their 2-1 road win over the Vancouver Whitecaps comes with caveats (see below, Vancouver section), but it still salutes that sotto voce effort. They overcame the moribund Alphonso Davies/Kei Kamara partnership (nice goal, and damn shame to have the expiration date on that one in front of us) with a pair of headers, but it also looks like they made their luck. With that, it’s welcome back to the top of the Western Conference and let’s see what happens…

…and to answer the poll I posted on twitter, I think Portland v. FC Dallas is the most important game of the rest of the Portland Timbers’ season. If the Timbers don’t get all three next Saturday, then drops the road game to RSL…look, who likes going into any situation without proper padding?

OK, before getting to the InfoBoxes, here are the other scores for MLS Week 30 that I didn’t cover above (and I link to the recap in the scores).

Portland Timbers 3-2 Columbus Crew SC (my write-up on that one)

Los Angeles FC 2-0 San Jose Earthquakes

Columbus Crew SC 2-1 Colorado Rapids

Minnesota United FC 3-2 Portland Timbers (my write-up on that one)

Wow. You can really cover a lot with five talking points. Well, 5 1/2. On to the InfoBoxes. To start with a confession, I hate finding mistakes in these more than you ever will, but I do try like hell…if with some really stupid inputs. Anyway, they’re current and correct as I can make them. I even rearranged the teams into loose “power rankings,” and I’ve updated the notes where appropriate. To all the masochists who find and read even half of these things: my compulsions have a love/hate relationship with you.

IN

ATLANTA, 19-5-6, 63 points, 65 gf, 36 ga, (9-2-4 home, 10-3-2 away)

7-1-2; 23 gf, 13 ga, 3-0-2 at home; 4-1-0 away

Record v. IN: WW

Record v. OUT: DWDWLWW

Record v. Marginal: W

LAST 10/STATUS: They’ve got a clear shot of going over 70 points, and they should run away with the Shield at this point.

Games left: @ RBNY, v NE, v CHI, @ TFC

D	W	W	D	W	W	L	W	W	W
v SEA	v DC	@ MTL	v TFC	v CLB	@ ORL	@ DC	@ COL	@ SJ	v RSL
1-1	3-1	2-1	2-2	3-1	2-1	1-3	3-0	4-3	2-0
O	O	M	O	I	O	O	O	O	I

RBNY, 18-7-5, 59 points, 55 gf, 32 ga (12-2-1 home, 6-5-4 away)

6-2-2, 15 gf, 12 ga, 4-1-0 at home, 2-1-2 away

Record v. IN: LWDD

Record v. OUT: WWW

Record v. Marginal: WWD

LAST 10/STATUS: While still very much in all the mixes (except the US Open Cup), I’m starting to buy the slow-down theory. That said, I think they can win next weekend without Bradley Wright-Phillips. The odds just go down a bit…

Games left: v ATL, @ SJ, @ PHI, v ORL

W	L	W	W	D	W	W	L	D	W
@ DC	v CLB	v LAF	@ CHI	@ VAN	v DC	v HOU	@ MTL	@ DC	v TFC
1-0	2-3	2-1	1-0	2-2	1-0	1-0	0-3	3-3	2-0
O	I	I	O	I	O	O	M	M	O

SKC, 15-8-6, 51 points, 54 gf, 36 ga (9-2-3 home, 6-6-3 away)

6-4-0, 21 gf, 12, 3-1-1 at home, 3-2-0 away

Record v. IN: LLWWLL

Record v. OUT: WWWW

LAST 10/STATUS: There’s no shame in losing to a good team on the road, and I think the basic equation remains the same: after years of playing like “shot-putters,” SKC has built a balanced team that isn’t torture to watch (look at their numbers against Philly). I put them among the contenders.

Games left: v RSL, v LAG, @ VAN, @ FCD, v LAF

L	L	W	W	W	W	L	W	W	L
@ RB	v FCD	@ HOU	@ LAF	v POR	v MIN	@ SEA	v ORL	@ SJ	@ PHI
2-3	2-3	1-0	2-0	3-0	2-0	1-3	1-0	5-1	0-2
I	I	O	I	I	O	I	O	O	I

PHILADELPHIA, 14-12-4, 46 points, 43 gf, 45 ga (8-5-2 home, 6-7-2 away)

7-2-1, 17 gf, 12 ga, 3-1-0 at home, 4-1-1 away

Record v. IN: LWWW

Record v. OUT: WWWD

Record v. Marginal: WL

LAST 10/STATUS: Covered above, but to underline something, if you subtract 7-2-1 from 14-12-4, you get (hold on…carry the…and) 7-10-3. They’ve turned things around. Has anyone talked about Jim Curtin for Coach of the Year?

Games left: @ CLB, v MIN, v NY, @ NYC

W	L	W	W	W	W	D	L	W	W
@ HOU	@ POR	@ NE	v NYC	v NE	@ DC	@ ORL	v MTL	@ SEA	v SKC
3-1	0-3	3-2	2-0	1-0	2-0	2-2	1-4	1-0	2-0
O	I	M	I	O	O	O	M	I	I

DALLAS, 15-6-8, 53 points, 49 gf, 38 ga (9-1-5 home, 6-5-3 away)

4-3-3, 18 gf, 16 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 1-2-2 away

Record v. IN: WDW

Record v. OUT: DLLWDLW

LAST 10/STATUS: My biggest knock on Dallas is that they’ve been playing weaker teams and still getting those results. The win over Vancouver, along with loosely improved results, takes a step in the right direction away from that. They remain a well-organized team with some attacking ideas, and, with this schedule, they’ve got every chance at a first-round bye in the playoffs.

Games left: @ POR, v ORL, @ DC, v SKC, @ COL

D	W	L	L	W	D	L	W	D	W
@ HOU	@SKC	v SJ	@ SEA	v MIN	@ HOU	@ SJ	v HOU	v CLB	@ VAN
1-1	3-2	1-3	1-2	2-0	1-1	3-4	4-2	0-0	2-1
O	I	O	O	O	O	O	O	I	I

COLUMBUS, 13-9-8, 47 points, 39 gf, 38 ga (10-2-3 home, 3-7-5 away)

5-3-2, 15 gf, 15 ga, 4-0-0 at home, 1-3-2 away

Record v. IN: LWLWDL

Record v. OUT: WWDW

Record v. Marginal: [null set]

LAST 10/STATUS: A reasonably rugged team that’s hard to get all that excited about one way or the other. They got some pits to step over in the next two games - and, given the likelihood they’ll see one of those teams in a play-in, they’re going to want to impress in both games.

Games left: v PHI, @ MTL, @ ORL, v MIN

L	W	W	W	L	D	W	D	L	W
@ NYC	v ORL	@ RB	v HOU	@ ATL	@ CHI	v NYC	@ FCD	@ POR	v COL
0-2	3-2	3-2	1-0	1-3	1-1	2-1	0-0	2-3	2-1
I	O	I	O	I	O	I	I	I	O

LAFC, 14-7-8, 50 points, 57 gf, 43 ga (8-1-6 home, 6-6-2 away)

4-3-3, 16 gf, 16 ga, 2-1-3 at home, 1-2-1 away

Record v. IN: DLLWD

Record v. OUT: LWWW

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: “They MIGHT be one of the teams that can turn it on,” I wrote a week or two ago, but I’m not sure that’s true anymore. On the plus side (for them), that won’t be found out for a few weeks yet. Expect some “LAFC is back chatter” if/when they pick up 7 points between the next 3 games.

Games left: @ CHI, @ COL, v HOU, v VAN, @ SKC

L	D	L	L	W	W	D	W	D	W
@ MIN	v LA	@ RB	v SKC	v RSL	v COL	@ LA	@ TFC	v NE	v SJ
1-5	2-2	1-2	0-2	2-0	2-0	1-1	4-2	1-1	2-0
O	I	I	I	I	O	I	O	M	O

RSL, 13-11-6, 45 points, 49 gf, 49 fa (10-1-4 home, 3-10-2 away)

4-2-4, 20 gf, 12 ga, 2-0-3 at home, 2-2-1 away

Record v. IN: LWL

Record v. OUT: DDWWWD

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: If there’s a team in the Western Conference that needs to keep checking its shoulder, it’s RSL - especially with the schedule ahead. Honest to God, their best hope might be Portland falling apart. (Also, if they get points at SKC.)

Games left: @ SKC, v POR, v NE, @ POR

D	D	W	D	L	W	W	W	D	L
v COL	@ SJ	v CHI	v MTL	@ LAF	@ HOU	@ COL	v LA	v MIN	@ ATL
2-2	0-0	2-1	1-1	0-2	2-1	6-0	6-2	1-1	0-2
O	O	O	M	I	O	O	I	O	I

NYCFC, 14-8-8, 50 points, 52 gf, 39 ga (10-1-4 home; 4-7-4 away)

4-3-3, 11 gf, 14 ga, 1-1-2 at home, 2-3-1 away

Record v. IN: WDL

Record v. OUT: WLWL

Record v. Marginal: WDD

LAST 10/STATUS: Hold on, I want to test a theory: as that string of three wins starts to fall off the page… [Ed. - I’ve said that about two teams (RSL and Philly, I think) and both turned things around the week after.] Jinxes and hexes said, the numbers speaks for themselves - and they also run against the “if they weren’t so terrible at home” cliché, because they’ve dropped points just about everywhere over the last 7 games.

Games left: v CHI, @ MIN, @ DC, v PHI

W	W	W	L	D	W	L	L	D	D
v MTL	v CLB	@ ORL	@ SEA	v VAN	@ TFC	@ PHI	v NE	v DC	@ MTL
3-0	2-0	2-0	1-3	2-2	3-2	0-2	0-1	1-1	1-1
M	I	O	O	I	O	I	O	M	M

PORTLAND, 13-9-8, 47 points, 46 gf, 45 ga (10-2-3 home, 3-7-5 away)

3-6-1, 13 gf, 16 ga, 4-2-0 at home, 0-3-1 away

Record v. IN: LLLW

Record v. OUT: LWDWLL

LAST 10/STATUS: After a sickening slump, it has been the working definition of scraping by for this bunch. Because I can speak to them more deeply, they have neither the right balance between offense and defense, and they don’t lack the personnel to change that. They’ll get what they can till they can’t, I guess. They’re in a similar boat to RSL, just one with fewer holes.

Games left: v FCD, @ RSL, v RSL, @ VAN

L	L	L	L	W	D	W	L	W	L
v VAN	@ DC	@SKC	v SEA	v TFC	@ NE	v COL	@ HOU	v CLB	@ MIN
1-2	1-4	0-3	0-1	2-0	1-1	2-0	1-4	3-2	2-3
I	O	I	I	O	O	O	O	I	O

VANCOUVER, 11-10-7, 40 points, 46 gf, 54 ga (6-3-5 home, 5-7-2 away)

4-4-2, 18 gf, 19 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 2-2-1 away

Record v. IN: DWDLL

Record v. OUT: LLWWW

NOTES: “At the same time, do note where they’re getting their wins (e.g., versus OUT teams).” The last two games bore that out and, with three IN teams at their end of their schedule, their schedule looks taller (and Portland, more safe!).

Games left: @ LAG, @ TFC, v SKC, @ LAF, v POR

L	L	W	D	W	D	W	W	L	L
@ DC	@ SEA	v MIN	@ NYC	@ POR	v RB	@ SJ	v SJ	v SEA	v FCD
1-3	0-2	4-2	2-2	2-1	2-2	3-2	2-1	1-2	1-2
O	O	O	I	I	I	O	O	I	I

SEATTLE, 13-11-5, 44 points, 37 gf, 32 ga (7-5-2 home; 6-6-3 away)

8-2-0, 19 gf, 9 ga, 4-1-0 at home, 4-1-0 away

Record v. IN: WWWWWWL

Record v. OUT: WW

Record v. Marginal: L

LAST 10/STATUS: First, if they can’t stay in the playoffs with that FUCKING schedule? Good lord, there’s enough gifts for Hanukkah in there. Yeah, yeah, they had a terrible Week 30, but they could sweep the rest of those games. Again, they played well enough…and I guess that makes sense of sorting out what happened to the defense against LA.

Games left: v COL, v HOU, @ ORL, @ HOU, v SJ

W	W	W	W	W	W	W	W	L	L
@ SJ	v NYC	@ MIN	v FCD	v LA	@ POR	v SKC	@ VAN	v PHI	@ LA
1-0	3-1	2-1	2-1	5-0	1-0	3-1	2-1	0-1	0-3
O	I	O	I	I	I	I	I	I	M

MARGINAL

MONTREAL, 12-14-4, 40 points, 42 gf, 47 ga (9-4-2 home, 3-10-2 away)

4-2-4, 17 gf, 14 ga, 3-1-2 at home, 1-1-2 away

Record v. IN: DLDWW

Record v. OUT: WDWL

LAST 10/STATUS: “I’ll keep a closer eye on the away game to DC; if the guards are gonna change, that feels more like the game that’s do it.” It turns out I hedged harder than I remembered on the NYCFC game. If DC wins that way, some serious dead air opens up beneath this team. Because they should be afraid of everybody, and everybody should be afraid of them, this is a tough team to call. Hence, marginal…

Games left: @ DC, v CLB, v TFC, @ NE

W	D	L	D	D	W	L	W	W	D
v SJ	@ POR	v ATL	v DC	@ RSL	v CHI	@ TFC	v RB	@ PHI	v NYC
2-0	2-2	1-2	1-1	1-1	2-1	1-3	3-0	4-1	1-1
O	I	I	O	I	O	O	I	I	I

DC UNITED, 9-11-8, 35 points, 48 gf , 48 ga (8-2-2 home, 1-9-6 away)

6-1-3, 21 gf, 12 ga; 6-1-1 at home, 0-0-2 away

Record v. IN: WLLWDD

Record v. OUT: WWW

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: Their biggest challenge comes from having to make up five points - that and Philly probably leaving ‘em for dead this past week. I called the play-out to their season insurmountable, oh, probably over a month ago, but I think they’ve got 9 points locked down in there; it’s what else they can do that will turn it.

Games left: v MTL, v CHI, v FCD, v TFC, v NYC, @ CHI

W	D	W	W	L	L	W	D	W	D
v COL	@ MTL	v ORL	v POR	@ RB	v PHI	v ATL	@ NYC	v MIN	v RB
2-1	1-1	3-2	4-1	0-1	0-2	3-1	1-1	2-1	3-3
O	M	O	I	I	I	I	I	O	I

LA GALAXY, 11-11-8, 41 points, 57 gf, 59 ga (7-4-4 home, 4-7-4 away)

2-4-4, 20 gf, 28 ga, 2-0-3 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: DLDLW

Record v. OUT: WLDDL

LAST 10/STATUS: Imagine what a clean sheet felt like for this team. I don’t know what got into Seattle (or didn’t), but I also wouldn’t signal any kind of all-clear unless LA gets another W next weekend against the ‘Caps at home.

Games left: v VAN, @SKC, @ MIN, v HOU

D	W	L	D	D	L	D	L	L	W
@ LAF	v ORL	@ COL	v MIN	v COL	@ SEA	v LAF	@ RSL	@ TFC	v SEA
2-2	4-3	1-2	2-2	2-2	0-5	1-1	2-6	3-5	3-0
I	O	O	O	O	I	I	I	O	I

OUT

NEW ENGLAND, 8-10-11, 35 points, 43 gf, 45ga (6-4-5 home, 2-6-6 away)

1-6-3, 10 gf, 18 ga, 0-2-1 at home, 1-4-2 away

Record v. IN: LLLDWD

Record v. OUT: LDLD

LAST 10/STATUS: “…that assumes they manage Chicago. If they don’t do that, write ‘em off.” And so I did. They throw away a game (2-2 draw v. Chicago, 3-3 draw v. Orlando), for every glimmer of hope (1-1 draw at LAFC! And…?!). They can’t get results. That’s it.

Games left: @ TFC, @ ATL, v ORL, @ RSL, v MTL

L	L	D	L	L	L	D	W	D	D
@ MIN	@ RB	@ ORL	v PHI	@ DC	@ PHI	v POR	@ NYC	@ LAF	v CHI
1-2	0-2	3-3	2-3	0-2	0-1	1-1	0-1	1-1	2-2
O	I	O	I	O	I	I	I	I	O

SAN JOSE, 4-18-8, 20 points, aka, fucked and stuck, 45 gf, 63 ga (2-8-5 home, 2-10-3 away)

2-6-2, 15 gf, 21 ga, 2-3-2 at home, 0-3-0 away

Record v. IN: DWLWLLLL

Record v. OUT: LD

Record v. Marginal: [null set]

LAST 10/STATUS: The “fightingest” team in MLS, only 2012 is a long goddamn time ago. To say they finally succumbed to the inevitable does them a disservice. They’ve faced a murderer’s row over their last 5. And LAFC. It’s tough. They have some talented players (again, and also), but…

Games left: @ HOU, v NY, v COL, @ SEA

D	W	L	D	L	W	L	L	L	L
v RSL	v FCD	@ COL	v TFC	v VAN	v FCD	@ VAN	v SKC	v ATL	@ LAF
0-0	3-1	1-2	1-1	2-3	4-3	1-2	1-5	3-4	0-2
I	I	O	O	I	I	I	I	I	I

MINNESOTA, 10-16-3, 33 points, 43 gf, 57 ga (9-4-1 home, 1-12-2 away)

3-5-2, 17 gf, 19 ga, 3-1-0 at home, 0-4-2 away

Record v. IN: WLDLLDW

Record v. OUT: [null set]

Record v. Marginal: WLL

LAST 10/STATUS: It’s not like they’ll make the playoffs, but they’ve got two good results over their last two games - and they looked good-to-great at times against Portland - but maybe they’re closer than I think to backing up this thought: “They need a good enough foundation to make bringing in a player like Darwin Quintero worthwhile.” I feel good about them getting over 40 points and, sure, that’s consolation, but I’d still take it.

Games left: v NYC, @ PHI, v COL, v LA, @ COL

W	W	L	L	D	L	L	L	D	W
v NE	v LAF	@ VAN	v SEA	@ LA	@ FCD	@ SKC	@ DC	@ RSL	v POR
2-1	5-1	2-4	1-2	2-2	0-2	0-2	1-2	1-1	3-2
M	I	I	M	I	I	I	M	I	I

CHICAGO, 7-15-7, 28 points, 43 gf, 54 ga (5-7-3 home, 2-8-4 away)

1-7-2, 13 gf, 20 ga, 1-3-1 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: LLLD

Record v. OUT: LLW

Record v. Marginal: LLD

LAST 10/STATUS: Fuck it. Call it a run. The worst thing about the Fire is this: Bastian Schweinsteiger just keeps getting older; they need to start thinking more like RSL, who at least have something to look forward to (if only theoretically).

Games left: @ NYC, v LAF, @ DC, @ ATL, v DC

L	L	L	L	L	L	L	D	W	D
v PHI	@ FCD	v TFC	@ TFC	@ RSL	v RB	@ MTL	v CLB	v ORL	@ NE
3-4	1-3	1-2	0-3	1-2	0-1	1-2	1-1	4-0	2-2
I	I	O	O	M	I	M	I	O	M

COLORADO, 6-17-6, 24 points, 32 gf, 55 ga (5-7-3 home, 1-10-3 away)

2-6-2, 10 gf, 23 ga, 2-2-0 at home, 0-4-2 away

Record v. IN: DWDLLLLL

Record v. OUT: LW

LAST 10/STATUS: I didn’t think for one second they’d beat Atlanta, not even in Commerce City. These guys are to what parts can you sell, what do you have to scrap, and what do you salvage.

Games left: @ SEA, v LAF, @ MIN, @ SJ, v FCD

D	L	W	W	D	L	L	L	L	L
@ RSL	@ DC	v LAG	v SJ	@ LAG	@ LAF	v RSL	@ POR	v ATL	@ CLB
2-2	1-2	2-1	2-1	2-2	0-2	0-6	0-2	0-3	1-2
I	O	I	O	I	I	I	I	I	I

ORLANDO, 7-18-4, 25 points, 40 gf, 66 ga (5-6-4 home, 2-11-0 away)

0-7-3, 13 gf, 24 ga, 0-2-3 at home, 0-5-0 away

Record v. IN: LLLLDL

Record v. OUT: LLD

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: Honest to God, I just want them to stop playing. It’s like watching one of those dancing marathons from the 50s, back when they didn’t give a shit about letting someone die in public (make America great again?).

Games left: v HOU, @ FCD, @ NE, v SEA, v CLB, @ NY

L	L	L	D	L	L	D	L	L	D
@ CLB	v NYC	@ LAG	v NE	@ DC	v ORL	v PHI	@ SKC	@ CHI	v HOU
2-3	0-2	3-4	3-3	2-3	1-2	2-2	0-1	0-4	0-0
I	I	I	M	O	I	I	I	O	O

HOUSTON, 8-13-8, 31 points, 47 gf, 43 ga (7-5-3 home, 1-8-5 away)

1-7-2, 8 gf, 16 ga, 1-3-1 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: LLLLLDLLW

Record v. OUT: D

LAST 10/STATUS: Oh, I can do math, and I know over half the teams above Houston in the OUT section have fewer points. If they’re bad enough on the road that they can’t even make Orlando sweat, they’ll top out at MAYBE 37 points? I’ll move ‘em up at the end, fine, but this is placement as a statement.

Games left: v SJ, @ SEA, @ LAF, v SEA, @ LAG

L	L	L	L	L	D	L	L	W	D
v PHI	@ POR	v SKC	@ CLB	v RSL	v FCD	@ RB	@ FCD	v POR	@ ORL
1-3	1-2	0-1	0-1	1-2	1-1	0-1	2-4	4-1	0-0
I	I	I	I	I	I	I	I	I	O

TORONTO, 8-15-6, 30 points, 50 gf, 57 ga (6-6-2 home, 2-9-4 away)

4-4-2, 20 gf, 19 ga, 3-2-0 at home, 1-2-2 away

Record v. IN: DLLLL

Record v. OUT: WWD

Record v. Marginal: WW

LAST 10/STATUS: TFC would pretty much have to run the table over the next six games to make the playoffs, and have either Philly or Montreal just COMPLETELY STALL above them. Seriously, if either team picks up even six points, Toronto would have to win-out at the end of a season when they haven’t won much.

Games left: v NE, v VAN, @ DC, @ MTL, v ATL

W	W	D	L	D	W	L	L	W	L
@ CHI	v CHI	@ ATL	v NYC	@ SJ	v MTL	@ POR	v LAF	v LA	@ RB
2-1	3-0	2-2	2-3	1-1	3-1	0-2	2-4	5-3	0-2
O	O	I	I	O	M	I	I	M	I

That’s it. You can pull off the nipple clamps now.