Portland Timbers 3-1 Houston Dynamo FC: Goal, Assist, Yellow Card

Closest I could get given the search...

A referee has to fuck up a lot to get a nod in any post I put up, res ipso loquitur, etc.. Also, congrats to the handful of people outside the greater Portland and Houston metro areas who saw the Timbers v the Dynamo and thought, “yeah, I guess I don’t have anything better tonight” because that was a pretty fun game to watch. Right? That was fun, right? What, you’re too big for salt water taffy now? Okay, big shot. Fine. (No, I’m not. You're the one going through separation anxiety!)

The point is, the game wasn’t boring, predictions of an incompetent Portland attack slap-fighting a dour Houston defense that barely noticed them held their own sad disco in my head as opposed to crossing over into and ruining the real world. I got a couple things wrong in my Scouting Report on Houston and I couldn’t be happier about it. Time to pick through the guts!

About the Game
The Portland Timbers got off to an electric start on their way to a 3-1 home win that looked like it could have ended 5-1 before the halftime whistle. After a ball squirted forward out of a tackle on Antony (probably) Jimer Fory broke down Houston’s right with everyone in orange furiously back-pedaling in time; his cross to Santiago Moreno actually found Daniel Steres first, but, per one of several themes that repeated/rhymed across the first half, he poked his clearance to Moreno, who fed Felipe Mora, who (probably) announced his wife was pregnant (everyone seemed happier than usual) after scoring Portland’s first goal. I know I wasn’t the only Timbers fan with dreams of jelly drops and a blow-out win dancing in my head over the next (literally) six minutes because Houston handed Portland at least two more tantalizing transition opportunities between the opener and Houston’s equalizer. There’s not much to say about the latter than why is Fory (barely) defending two players and great cross by Jack McGlynn (which means I got some things right in the Scouting Report), but it didn’t take long for the game to revert back to the Dynamo panicking and Portland taking advantage. Once Antony started and finished his run up the right for the Timbers’ second goal – tied together by an inch-perfect pass by Mora – it felt like the only question left to ask was how many more Portland could score. As it happens, the answer to that question was one. The Timbers scored just one more goal between the halftime whistle and the one that called the game – it involved the same players too, Mora and Antony – and that made for a gently nervous start to the second half. Assuming I’m not mashing them into some kind of omni-clip, I counted at least four times over the second half where Houston meticulously played the ball to the edge of Portland’s 18, and even got their toe in it, before the last, desperate shot went wide or smacked into Kamal Miller, Fory, of (most likely) Finn Surman. Houston head coach, Ben Olsen, added Erik Sviatchenko at the beginning of the second half, prompting the first of several “wait, why not start him?” questions, and that got the Dynamo’s feet under them for almost 25…vaguely menacing minutes. If I oversold Houston’s competence in the Scouting Report (I did), this was the place: this team works the ball up the field as well as any team in MLS – particularly when they heed Olsen’s pleas for “CALM” – but the end-result amounts to driving a freshly-paved highway that dead-ends into some Houston neighborhood built off-code and well beneath a flood-plain. A result can be lost in one bad moment – I get it – and, by the same token, any of Houston’s long progressive possessions could have ended with a second equalizer. Back in the real world, they didn't. Moreover, at least eight of them ended with four to five Timbers running at three to four Houston players prioritizing getting back to their own goal, by necessity, because the onslaught didn’t give them the luxury of setting up the optimal match ups. Carrying the point forward…

Nashville SC 1-2 FC Cincinnati: To the Hungrier Hippo Go the Spoils

The scene from Geodis Park.

When your local team gets a game that demands about a half dozen gut-checks and they pass the majority of them. FC Cincinnati’s 2-1 road win at Nashville SC was a big one – probably the biggest of 2025 so far.

About the Game
It played out as a test of wills, honestly, an occasion where either team could have walked away with three points or both could have left with one. The momentum went back and forth throughout – e.g., I thought Nashville held the advantage from the 15th minute to the upper-mid 20s, before Cincy yanked it back over the next 5-10 minutes – and, when the goals came, it didn’t have much to do with which house was ascendant. Cincinnati had the better opening shots (one each for Evander and Luca Orellano) and a nose ahead in the game state, only to see Nashville push them back with counter-raids over the following minutes (I think Hany Mukhtar's near-miss was the first in the full highlights). That threw a wobble into Cincy’s step for a while – for what it’s worth, I don’t think Obinna Nwobodo and Pavel Bucha ever got a firm handle in the middle – but they managed to settle and clamp things down…until Nashville broke the deadlock in the late 30s. Even after Edvard “Eddi” Tagseth got behind Cincy’s (over-committed) left, the set up didn’t look like much. Nick Hagglund (literally) threw himself at the cross (sacrifice the body!), but could only lean it out of danger and accidentally teed up Jack Bauer for a short-range blast from the right side of the area. With the dread prickling up – what would a third winless game mean for Cincy, never mind a defeat? – Evander stepped in to tamp it down as only he can – i.e., getting fouled within the same ZIP Code as the opposition goal and scoring saucily on the ensuing free kick. That sent the teams in the halftime locker room tied and raring to get back to it. Nashville came out the sharper and had multiple, early opportunities to get back on top. The first – and biggest – came when Kevin Denkey did the right thing – i.e., keep tabs on Walker Zimmerman in the area on a set piece – the wrong way – i.e., by wrapping him up not once, but twice. The ref called the penalty, rightly, before Roman Celentano smacked away the penalty kick, righteously. Celentano barely had the time to roll out of that headstand before he had to get back into position for a crazy sequence of saves that included 1) punching out the original cross, 2) kicking away a point-blank shot from the weak side, and 3 (maybe 4)) slapping away one or two follow-ups from still-closer range (maybe all those saves made the official snapshort? nope; MLS doesn't do justice by saves anymore). After that little heroic miracle, the second half settled into the game I expected: long periods of the ball getting tangled among flailing legs and rushing players all over the middle of the field - think Hungry Hungry Hippos where the ball keeps bouncing off the front of the snapping mouths. Here and there throughout that period, Cincinnati exposed themselves with nervous giveaways to Nashville players (more later). They contained most of them (again, more later), just as Nashville contained most of Cincy’s escapes from the midfield scrum. Given that frenzy in the middle, seeing Nwobodo limp off early felt like a potential game-breaker, but the gravity of that battling chaos sucked everything back into itself. To make what could track as a “homer” read, I thought Cincinnati got over Nashville a little over the last 15-20 minutes of the game. Orellano pinged the crossbar off a deflection in the middle of all that, but it was a semi-hopeful ball over the top to (substitute) Corey Baird that handed Cincinnati a golden opportunity to take all three points. After playing a damn near perfect game – it was his man-bunned head that knocked Orellano’s shot to the crossbar – Zimmerman flapped the ball away with his left arm and sent Denkey to the spot. I hate the stutter-step approach, to the extent I believe it should be banned (goalkeepers have enough disadvantages on penalty kicks), but I loved the goal: Denkey beat Joe Willis on the kick and Cincy beat Nashville on the day, the end.

Houston Dynamo FC Scouting Report: The Wrong Kind of Sleeper

This would be badass. Also, not what we're getting.

Won’t lie, I’m dreading this one more than a little. And it has less to do with fear of losing – which, to be clear, is very much on the table – than trepidation about what I believe we’re all about to sit through. Starting with the raw data…

Houston Dynamo FC
0-3-2, 2 pts., 3 gf, 8 ga (-5); home 0-3-0, away 0-0-2
Last 5 Results: LLDLD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v FCD (1-2 L); v MIA (1-4 L); @ CLB (0-0 D); v RSL (1-2 L); @ SEA (0-0 D)

Notes from the Field
The fact Houston has yet to win seems relevant. On a more specific level, I see two types of games in Houston’s recent past: games against strong (or strong-ish) defensive teams – e.g., Columbus Crew SC and the Seattle Sounders, where they fire only about a half dozen shots - and games against…let’s call them more average teams – e.g., FC Dallas and Real Salt Lake, where they post more or less normal numbers and, you know, score goals (see links). For anyone who didn’t see that the Dynamo have scored just three goals this season, please direct (or, more properly, redirect) your attention to the above Information Box. In short, no one’s really lighting it up for Houston in 2025 – all three of those goals were scored by different players, each with different limitations (Amin Bassi, small; Nico Lodeiro, near retirement; Ezequiel Ponce, basic lack of support). Against that, don’t get too carried away with those eight goals allowed because Inter Miami CF scored half of them. Without those four goals out of the equation, Houston is a 1.0 goals against/game team. If you know the names of their starting central defenders, either seek help or admit you have a problem. I kid, I kid (also, I hereby admit I have a problem). Those players are fine, but I don’t think see them as the key to what makes the Dynamo a hard lock to pick. Credit for that goes to a full-team commitment to the fundamentals. Houston plays definitionally competent soccer and that does all kinds of good and useful things for them, up to and including making them hard to beat – and, against what the numbers tell you, creating genuinely high-percentage chances on goal, even if they don't produce so many. Or, in fewer words, Benny-Ball, baby.

Nashville SC Scouting Report: Cincy's Third First Test of 2025

Walker Zimmerman, at pre-game meeting.

Over the weeks after it went up, Nashville SC seems to have made making me eat the somewhat dismissive Scouting Report I posted ahead of their Week 3 game against my Portland Timbers. They whooped the Timbers’ asses, of course, but some of the positives I flagged in my match report have come good. So, yeah, not totally useless. Let’s get into it…

Nashville SC
3-1-1, 10 pts., 8 gf, 3 ga (+5); home 2-0-1, away 1-1-0
Last Results: DLWWW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v NE (0-0 D); @ RBNY (0-2 L); v POR (2-0 W); @ PHI (3-1 W); v MTL (3-0 W)

Notes from the Field
In my defense, between their 2024 season and their first two games of 2025, Nashville didn’t give much reason to believe in them. Moreover, I don’t think anyone would have any reason to talk about them, never mind talk them up, if it weren’t for their cool as you like Week 4 win over the then-unbeaten Philadelphia Union. Three straight wins never looks bad, obviously, but beating Montreal doesn’t impresses anyone (their “loose slots” vibe sent Laurent Courtois to the unemployment line) and trust me when I say Portland is going through some shit - or was it the time (c'mon, lemme have it). Watching far too much of that Montreal game didn’t give me much you haven’t heard before – e.g., losing Walker Zimmerman in the area is bad, Nashville’s a strong defensive team, etc. – but the main takeaway there was Sam Surridge continuing a strong run of minutes that started with wreaking havoc against the Union. If Nashville can get the assist he teed up against Montreal and the goal he scored at Philly once even one-third as often, they’ll be better; Surridge becoming a reliable foil for Hany Mukhtar and Ahmed Qasem could take them all the way to competitive. The only other thing that jumped out over the 35+ minutes of that first half at Philly was how well Nashville handled one of MLS's better presses. They looked comfortable on the ball, both individually and as a team, and even pushed back after going up. The defense looked strong in both games (and versus Portland), but Zimmerman looking whole and imposing at the back tasks FC Cincinnati with battling the soccer equivalent of an ogre.

Colorado Rapids 0-3 Portland Timbers: Comfortable in Commerce City

When you feel confident, you can do anything...

Think I mentioned this on Bluesky, but some dude on subreddit (who heard it from a friend of a friend’s co-worker, who heard it from her boss) floated the argument that the Portland Timbers were better than they earned after four games. Between Kamal Miller’s (stupid fucking) red card in Game 1 and the ref getting drunkenly novel with the concept of “advantage” in Game 4, they'd tripped themselves more than they'd been tripped, basically.

Did Timbers fans just get proof of concept with yesterday’s subtly lopsided 3-0 win at the Colorado Rapids, or…

About the Game
As happens more often than I’d like to admit, the Scouting Report I posted on…think it was Friday, but who cares because it went out the window within the first 20 minutes. The Colorado Rapids played like a constipated shadow of the team I’d watched from afar and the Portland Timbers looked – and, to be clear, this feels like a typo as I’m tapping it out…capable. We didn’t get seamless perfection by any means – see Jimer Fory at a dead sprint toward his own goal to corral an eighth-minute breakaway by Kevin Cabral (hold that thought*) and Finn Surman eating the entire fake Djordje Mihailovic baited him with at the edge of the fucking six – but the one, literally massive thing that stood out was how immediately calm and connected the Timbers looked playing out of the back. David Ayala offering himself as a first option and seeming to have a plan for his first pass went a long damn way with that; whether turning out of the pressure, dropping the ball to someone behind, who then played it forward to either Ayala or another option (Santiago Moreno, often as not), Portland had fewer problems playing out of back than they have so far in this young season. The defensive shape held up pretty well too, if with an assist from whatever the hell was going on with Rapids; I saw no evidence of the movement and connectivity I’d come to expect after watching 90 minutes of them for the Scouting Report. The Timbers looked, for lack of a better word, comfortable for the first time in 2025 – even when Colorado upped the pressure. The Rapids found a couple chances, here and there, mostly through Reggie “Grumpy” Cannon firing unchecked crosses from the right, but a state of disconnection plagued them through most of the game. With the game knotted on zeroes and the ref puckering up for the halftime whistle, the breakthrough finally came. After trying to play through the brick the Rapids dropped in front of their goal, someone hopefully played the ball wide to David Da Costa. When he kicked the ball back into the mixer, just as hopefully, it caught Josh Atencio’s ankle and bobbled into the Rapids’ goal. And thank gods for that, because, per the official statisticians (aka, the broadcast team) zero shots had been fired on goal, in anger or otherwise, to that point. That first goal opened the game, as goals by the road team often do, and the Rapids lost little time in making a second and worse mistake to allow Portland's second. For whatever reason, three defenders lumped around Felipe Mora like he was [Insert Global Star Name] and their left-sided defender drifting to cover Eric Miller (just…why, and hold that thought%) and that left Antony footloose and fancy-free up the middle of the field and, I assume, a little baffled at his good fortune before slotting home the insurance goal that the Timbers ultimately did not need. That goal arrived just prior to the 50th minute, but it effectively ended the game as a contest. With a nod to the final xG in the official stats – just to note/celebrate it, the Timbers broke the elusive 1.0 xG barrier for the first time in 2025 yesterday - Colorado’s stats aren’t wildly off the Timbers’. And yet the question of which was the better team isn’t so much as half open. The question is why?

FC Cincinnati 2-2 Atlanta United FC: Heroic Striving and Achilles Heels

This with a couple turds scattered on the floor.

Not what the doctor ordered, obviously, but the prognosis never looked wholly favorable either.

About the Game
Due to the way my day shook out (Mickey 17 was pretty good, fwiw), I watched the first half live but wouldn’t see how the game ended until last night. I did, however, know the final score before wrapping up; as such, I spent the final 15 minutes wondering how the hell Atlanta United FC tied FC Cincinnati at 2-2 by the final whistle. Can’t say I cared for the reveal, but, to start at the beginning…

Not much to report from that first half besides a lot of running, kicking, and a couple of yellow cards (who knew Yuya Kubo could tackle like that?). Both teams had players missing – Miguel Almiron (mainly) for Atlanta, versus about 90% of the regular starting center backs, plus Kevin Denkey for Cincinnati (thus answering the question of who had more arms tied behind their backs) – and that created more unfinished thoughts than chances on goal through most of the first half. Atlanta found more chances over the opening 45, and probably the best one, but Cincy forced more saves out of Brad Guzan (e.g., Nick Hagglund's header that got his arms flapping). Most of Atlanta’s pressure came with overlapping runs into their right channel, but Cincinnati’s back 3-5 cobbled together a defensive line and held it together well enough, cleaning up whatever Lucas Engel let through, with a likely assist from the 45 minutes Pat Noonan got out of Hagglund. If forced to name the big moment of the first half, I’d go Tristan Muyumba getting stretchered off around the 40th minute after doing an unnatural thing to his ankle. And yet, Cincy tinkered and toiled until they finally got a hold of the game a little before Muyumba's departure - Pavel Bucha gets my man of that moment for all the times he held the ball and kept them moving forward – and they carried that momentum into the second half. It didn't save them from giving up the first goal, sadly. Thanks to some collective switching off and a stolen thrown-in, Atlanta opened the scoring in the middle of all that with a run up (again) their right and a smart finish by Emanuel Latte Lath. The shock of falling behind appeared to hit Evander, in particular, personally, so he took over the game as only he can: tempting defenders into fouls in dangerous places and orchestrating runs up Atlanta’s gut, respectively. Cincy’s equalizer came from a 70th-minute free kick earned and scored by Evander (and assisted by a deflection), while their go-ahead goal came as a bow at the end of a waltz in the space between Atlanta’s midfield and defense. And, for the next 15 minutes, the Brazilian’s clever shot against the grain looked to have settled affairs between the two teams…but then Atlanta got to pillaging up their right again and Alvas Powell couldn’t stretch far enough to keep out yet another cross from Saba Lobjanidze. One own goal, two points lost. C’est la vie and at least Cincy scored three...

Atlanta United FC Scouting Report: Dueling Works in Progress

Tough bunch to impress, too.

Week 5 feels as good a week as any for FC Cincinnati to get back on the right side of the results ledger. More to the point, starting 2025 with three straight losses on the road will hurt prospects and reputation…so, let’s not do that, yes? Let’s get into it.

Atlanta United FC
1-2-1, 4 pts., 4 gf, 6 ga (-2); home 1-1-1, away 0-1-0
Last Results: WLDL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v MTL (3-2 W); @ CLT (0-2 L); v RBNY (0-0 D), v MIA (1-2 L);

Broad Strokes
The furious, hydra-headed attack that MLS Wrap Up’s hype merchants tried to sell after Week 1 hasn’t survived opposition stiffer than Club du Foot Montreal. Then again, goals do tend to dry up against strong defensive teams – e.g., Charlotte FC and Red Bull New York (Inter Miami CF ain’t bad either) – so it’ll be interesting to see how FC Cincinnati holds up against what Atlanta throws at them. Because I’d already watched Atlanta’s one road game of 2025 (at Charlotte, bit of a blur by now), I split 90 minutes between their two most recent games, both played in Atlanta. They approached each team differently – i.e., they ran at the Red Bulls in waves reckless enough to make a World War I general say “goddamn!” versus a more measured, even tentative posture versus Miami – but I can’t say whether new head coach Ronny Deila’s adjustments followed from a general change in plan, or just fear of getting countered to death by Miami. The latter strikes me as plausible enough that I wonder whether Atlanta won’t go closer to broke versus Cincinnati. If they do go that route, Cincy will need their heads and swivels and their boots strapped right, because the Five Stripes can kick up a frenzy.

Personnel
Brad Guzan will start in goal (until the seas consume us, maybe even after), so let’s look at the rest of Atlanta’s likely line-up. Even if he tweaked the formation last week, Deila has called most of the same numbers so far: a back four with Pedro Amador at left back (know jack about him, fwiw), Derrick Williams and Stian Gregersen as (slightly shaky) center backs, and, after a couple of starts for Matthew Edwards, I expect to see Brooks Lennon at right back; because I think last Sunday’s 4-2-3-1 makes most sense from what I know of the players, I see Bartosz Slisz and Tristan Muyumba as “the 2,” Saba Lobjanidze, Aleksey Miranchuk, and Miguel Almiron stretched left to right across “the 3,” and big, new signing (or new, big signing) Emmanuel Latte Lath running wild, free and alone up top. (It could, on the other hand, look like this 4-3-3.)

Colorado Rapids Scouting Report: Of Mirages & Mobility

Oasis or thirst-induced madness?

They did slip a bit last season, but that’s so 2024. It’s time to talk about this season and the…

Colorado Rapids
2-0-2, 8 pts., 6 gf, 4 ga (+2); home 0-0-1, away 2-0-1
Last Results: DDWW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ STL (0-0 D); v FCD (3-3 D); @ ATX (1-0); @ SJ (2-1)

Big Picture
Tricky to frame, honestly. The Rapids’ results have improved (see above) but the highlights tell me that they needed every inch of Zac Steffen to earn even a draw last weekend at the San Jose Earthquakes – and he made a minimum of three implausible saves, so here’s to hoping Steffen’s drowning his sorrows with the rest of the U.S. Men’s National Team’s after that choke versus Panama (karma, motherfuckers). I didn’t watch a ton of Colorado in real-time – just the San Jose highlights and about 50 minutes of their weird ‘n’ wild 3-3 home draw versus FC Dallas a couple weeks back – but I saw the Rapids defending to the opposition defensive third, even in the snippets against the ‘Quakes, and aggressively all over the field. Working those young legs, apparently, and those have carried them to a solid run of results, fourth in the Western Conference and seventh overall. Something else I noticed: Colorado leaves a fair amount (read: a lot) of vertical space between that skirmishing front line and the back four (arguably led to this Dallas goal). That hasn’t caused them to bleed goals so far – even with that draw versus Dallas, they average just one goal against/game – and I’ll pick at reasons not named Zac Steffen below. Against that, they needed all of Dallas’ flaws to get that home draw and I’d call them damned lucky to win at San Jose (could easily have lost by the looks of it). I wouldn’t go so far as to call their record a mirage, not yet, but the Rapids are factually picking points off direct rivals in their climb up the table.

Charlotte FC 2--0 FC Cincinnati: On Keeping the Powder Dry and, Oh, Well!

DC has a character called "Everyman." Huh.

While this constitutes extreme (literal) Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking, I do stand by the argument I made for resting players in my Charlotte FC Scouting Report. That’s less to say that Pat Noonan got it wrong than to suggest that giving key starters time to process the CONCACAF Champions League might have been better than immediately throwing them back in the deep end and yelling “SWIM” at them…

…then again, I saw the “Hell Is Real” episode of The On Side and now have no doubt as to which of the above options came naturally to Pat (would not want to golf with him, not as a youngster). With that, let’s talk…

About the Game
Pretty much what one should expect from Charlotte v Cincy in these dark days of the middle 2020s: a game decided by a combination of mistakes, saves, and chances yanked out of ye olde magician’s hat. About 20 minutes passed before the “real” game got started and, for a while, it featured two teams setting up, from wherever their first touch happened, and then sending a more or less successful attack at the opposition’s defense. A good, competent battle between two capable teams, in other words, and that dynamic held until Cincinnati made its first fatal mistake. The game didn’t necessarily end when Pavel Bucha’s ill-advised header gave Liel Abada and Patrick Agyemang(?) a head-start in the foot race toward Roman Celentano’s goal, but Charlotte's first goal did shrink Cincinnati’s odds of getting back into it to a 1:1 ratio with the reputation of Charlotte’s defense – more on that later. With Cincy in Democratic levels of disarray, Charlotte raised the pressure. It took all of three minutes – which, for the record, included time for celebrating the prior goal and the usual amount of milling about – for that to pay off with Charlotte’s second goal of the night and that's where things ended, 2-0 to the home team. Credit to Charlotte – and to Brandt “Every Guy” Bronico for the simple, yet slick assist on the insurance goal – for making all that work against one of MLS’s better defenses (the 2nd half of 2024 excepted), but the likely winner of this game was always going to be the team that scored first. The highlights reminded me that Cincy fired more good shots than I remembered and, on some level, I find that encouraging, even as I continue to have questions about the packaging*. I’ll dig into those details some more below, but I’m still hung up on why Noonan didn’t take 90% of the sting out of any loss out of this game by starting a rotated starting XI. Maybe plausible deniability means more to me than it does to Noonan, maybe he quietly committed to winning the Supporters’ Shield until the possibility evaporates, but the odds of Cincinnati winning this game sucked from the jump, and I thought the mental space of “sure, we lost to Charlotte in March, but we were missing a lot of guys” feels like a good psychological wild card to have later in the season. If nothing else, it beats dragging the regulars through 90 minutes of, again, likely futility. I suspect Cincinnati got their first glimpse of the real tendencies of a new player, but I’ll hold that thought till the talking points.

Portland Timbers 1-1 Los Angeles Galaxy: Readings from a Spoiled Sample

This plus a couple geezers. Not great, man.

I saw the question of whether the referee should have awarded the Portland Timbers late in Sunday’s game posed a half dozen times on the Timbers subreddit yesterday and answered with a raging “motherfucker, YES!” It was a massive call to miss, no question – calling advantage on that play does actual violence to the word “advantage” – and, while having two more points wouldn’t have helped Portland in 2024, it would have lifted Portland into the playoffs in 2022, given them homefield advantage for the play-in in 2023.

I get the frustration, in other words, and a very stupid non-call can matter, even in MLS’s largely pointless regular season, but…and you knew this was coming…shouldn’t we all be more concerned with the fact that the Timbers struggled to manage a Los Angeles Galaxy B- team?

About the Game
To start with some positives, seeing Santiago Moreno back in the XI did the soul good – particularly after a couple of his early runs made it look as if he might win the game on his own. The team as a whole looked more comfortable on the ball and decently connected over several periods in the first half, even if all that running and kicking didn’t necessarily translate into anything particularly, or at all, meaningful – i.e., seeing halftime stats like three shots, one on goal for the Timbers, and five (apparently) wayward shots for the Galaxy sounded about right, as did both teams’ piteous xG. Portland even tried to press here and there, which attempt I described in my real-time notes as “looks/works half-ass, but not a total waste.” The fact that came against a veritable “who’s that?” of Galaxy players – e.g., Tucker Lepley, Isaiah Parente, and Harbor Miller (that last one begs the question of what his ancestors did for a living) – always left open the hope that the Timbers were just working out their angles before absolutely destroying the whelps. And, when Felipe Mora deflected a David Da Costa grass-cutter cross from Portland’s right to score Portland's one and only goal, that plan seemed in motion – and with a bonus of giving Timbers fans a glimpse of how Da Costa’s skill set could help the mission. That bright shiny feeling that lasted only until the second half turned into a stalemated slog. I had a sense that LA got the better of the game while the Timbers sucked back into defense as I watched, but still appreciate the confirmation from the official stats page. It’s possible Gabriel Pec hoisted too much weight onto his own shoulders – more below – but he created at least one goal-line scramble and the Galaxy fired some better shots from range between the 60th and 70th minutes. The Timbers defense held…firm-esque through all that pressure, which only made LA's equalizer, from a simple ball over the top to Christian Ramirez (wake up, Zac), more simmeringly infuriating. I just circled back to the highlights, which helpfully reminded me that the Timbers had a couple chances to get back in the lead, and that brings the game and summary back to the non-call on the penalty that started the post.

Charlotte FC Scouting Report: Rest on the Seventh Day

Picard = Zaha

There is no fucking way that errors don’t start slipping into the little info-blurb below, but, consider this the official line till then…

Charlotte FC
1-1-1, 4 pts., 4 gf, 3 ga (+3); home 1-0-0, away 0-1-1
Last Results: DWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ SEA (2-2 D); v ATL (2-0 W); @ MIA (0-1)

FC Cincinnati has seen plenty of tough games in this early season – including, the live-or-die scenarios MLS teams only see in the playoffs (didn’t end so good, but ain’t that the CONCACAF Champions’ Cup?) – which gives Cincy fans a body of evidence for weighing how hard Charlotte on the road will be. Everything I’ve seen – e.g., a preseason game against my Portland Timbers (Wilfried Zaha was there!), plus the second half of Charlotte’s 2-0 win over Atlanta United FC and about 40 minutes of watching them come ever-so-close scoring (if only 3-4 times; see the highlights) playing a man up in last weekend's loss at Inter Miami CF – tells me to expect one of those grinding chess matches we usually don’t see until the post-season…or when two sturdy defensive teams come together at any date on the calendar…

…speaking solely in my capacity as a man who has aged to where he appreciates certain things more than others, would that this were not so.

The Big Picture
Dean Smith loves him a 4-3-3 and he has stocked that formation with (give or take) the same players across Charlotte’s first three games of 2025. The back four (from left to right) features super-veteran Tim Ream, Andrew Privett, the really solid Adilson Malanda and, as more wingback than fullback, Nathaniel Byrne. While former Timber Eryk Williamson slipped in there once (and struggled), Smith has stuck with (again, left to right), Brandt “Two-Team Journeyman” Bronico, “Gone with Wind” Ashley Westwood, and Pep “Rally” Biel in his three-man midfield and Zaha, Patrick Agyemang and Liel Abada across the front three. If I had to call any of those three lines Charlotte’s particular strength, I’m going to go against a (possibly imaginary) grain and go with the midfield – or at least that feels right given how goddamn hard they are to play through. With a foundation that sound, all Charlotte needs to do is score. Right?

Los Angeles Galaxy Scouting Report: When Harry Met Anxiety

Mood.

I’d give my left…can’t actually think anything on the left side of my body that I’d willingly part with on this, but I really would like to feel better about this. Starting with the basics…

Los Angeles Galaxy
0-3-0, 0 pts., 1 gf, 7 ga (-6); home 0-2-0, away 0-1-0
Last Results: LLL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v SD (0-2 L); @ VAN (1-2 L); v STL (0-3)

The Portland Timbers host the Galaxy this weekend and I know how LA started this season and remember that they’ve lost at least five players that started MLS Cup 2024 (I say five because Puig counts in spirit). I also know the Timbers are one, narrow home win better than LA.

Disclosure: Prep for this scouting report included about 40 interspersed minutes of the Galaxy’s 0-3 loss versus St. Louis CITY FC last Sunday and, for something that (barely) tracked better, their 1-2 loss at the Vancouver Whitecaps FC the week before. To anyone who wants to go through it: the first half of the loss versus St. Louis felt like the closest analog to what I expect this Sunday. Even if they played a sorta janky XI in that one…then again, Greg Vanney has scrambled the formation every week so far.

The Big Picture
Between the big names lounging on the trainer’s table – e.g., Riqui Puig and Joseph Paintsil are the standouts – and a couple key starters dealt over the offseason – take your pick between Dejan Joveljic (poor fucker’s in KC) and Mark “Not Marky” Delgado – LA, again, aren’t the team that won the Cup last season. Still, Vanney relies on a core of players that includes: Maya Yoshida (surprisingly old), Carlos Garces (fast AF), and right fullback John Nelson (he’s fine) in defense; in midfield, there’s Edwin Cerrillo, with Diego Fagundez stepping in for cover (and playing time?) and he still has Gabriel Pec in or just behind the front line. The only consistent piece is the four-man back-line, with Nelson and the opposite fullback bombing forward. After that, it’s a lot of mix-‘n’-match. New free agent signing (right?) Christian Ramirez looks like the preferred starter and Marco Reus the early choice for creator. Ramirez looks like he’s finding his feet and, as for Reus, his brain’s still there (he made a run so clever against St. Louis it rose to eloquence), his body, whether by age or injury, can only do so much. Fagundez chips in – and I still rate him, crossing and firing from range – but a lot still falls on Pec, a genuine talent, but a young one.

Nashville SC 2-0 Portland Timbers: March, or Something Darker?

You get weird shit searching "lion eats lamb."

Nothing says your local team is killing it quite like the broadcast booth doofus saying they “need this half-time whistle." And Nashville SC still had one more goal in them…

About the Game
I noted the Portland Timbers’ first competent breach Nashville’s defensive at the 35th minute in last night’s game. Also of note, the Timbers gave up two penalty kicks in half that time. It’s a hell, goddamn, ass miracle they lost just 0-2 yesterday. No less miraculously, and gods bless James Pantemis, neither of those penalty kicks resulted in a goal. Somewhat maddingly, Nashville didn't need either penalty kick to win the game. Firing at least 21 shots (with 11 on goal) does that for a team. On the same Official Stats page, I see that the Timbers’ fired four shots on goal and, after reviewing the highlights, I also know that half of those came softly off Antony’s shoe, so small wonder, etc. Nashville ran away with just about every attacking statistic and, whatever you think of xG as a concept, seeing theirs at almost eight times Portland’s passes the smell test…

…here I thought the Timbers had a chance at Nashville. Now, I’m just wondering about...things.

Nashville unnerved Portland early by playing balls over the top that put (mostly) Sam Surridge and Hany Mukhtar into a foot race with the Timbers CBs. One super-early one, we're talking just four minutes into the game, saw Finn Surman haul down Mukhtar before he could reach the box, and Zac McGraw shove over Surridge inside it. That was the first penalty, taken by Mukhtar, saved by Pantemis. They got a fair amount of mileage out of that direct attack through the first half, but their second penalty came when Ahmed Qasem slipped into the top left corner of the Timbers’ 18-yard box and Joao Ortiz made that the time to announce his presence with a shove under Qasem’s shoulder. The second penalty, taken by Surridge, and to the same damn spot for some reason, was also saved by Pantemis. Saved penalty kicks often lift a team. Meanwhile, back in Nashville...

Thus began the search for signs of coherence in Portland’s movement on and off the ball and I’m sad to report that the party never came back. Things improved slightly in the second half, notably after Phil Neville pulled Ortiz for Diego Chara (more on that later), but Nashville was already up one goal by then and the rest of game boiled down to them poking and prodding the soft spots in the Timbers’ defense. The goals came, of course, and the only thing that made Nashville’s goals remarkable were the failures that allowed them – e.g., after saving two penalties, how does Pantemis let Andy Najar’s tight-angled shot slip under him? And how much ball-watching does it take for Qasem to run right to left across the seam between Portland’s defense and midfield, before God and everyone, and still get a free, near-post header? Between those and the PKs, that’s four chances, at a minimum, straight-up handed to Nashville. (They left Walker Zimmerman free on a corner! I'm such a snitch!). After the second goal, there was nothing left after that, but the final whistle.

FC Cincinnati 2-0 Toronto FC: A Walk in the Park on Rotated Legs

Blue leg for Saturday, yellow for Tuesday.

It took a while, even a couple of shots at and physically-on goal (i.e., the ball hit the post), before FC Cincinnati finally took the lead in yesterday’s 2-0 home win over Toronto FC. The visitors only had a chance in the way a broken watch shows the right time twice a day – accidentally, and with a massive assist from the gods and circumstance.

About the Game
Yuya Kubo put a messy opening 30 minutes to rest when he kicked his own rebound off the post into the net behind TFC’s Sean Johnson. The goal didn’t stand – a foul before his first shot erased it – but the moment seemed to settle the nerves of a somewhat-rotated Cincy starting XI and steady them for the push. Toronto effectively pinned themselves into their own half for most of the game with wayward passes, naked giveaways, and a kind of pervasive disconnection that must keep Robin Fraser awake at night as he toys with novel ways to say, “this is not who we are.” The Reds had one shot better than jack-shit to show for (almost exactly) 45 minutes’ worth of soccer (the ref couldn’t watch anymore either), but Cincinnati didn’t have much more. Toronto showed some signs of life early in the second half, with a goal-mouth scramble just after the 50th minute counting as highwater mark (was their one shot on goal somewhere in there?), but “their identity” of hitting passes short ‘n’ wild continued. With their last line of defense keeping them in it, Pat Noonan decided to throw in some fresh ammo – most notably, Evander for Luca Orellano (more later) and DeAndre Yedlin coming in for young balding man, Lukas Engel – and the push resumed. Even if it took the ref four minutes and a trip to the VAR monitor to see, Cincy finally got the break they needed when Evander’s attempted cross quite visibly hit, then ran down the length of Tyrese Spicer’s left arm (see the highlights, somewhere; really wish they'd do pull-out highlights for a penalty call). When, at some length, the penalty was given, Kevin Denkey stepped up and made it look easy. While this can’t be proven conclusively (because what would it even look like?), Toronto was probably pushing for the equalizer when Evander picked the ball off of the try-harding feet of Federico Bernardeschi, dropped the ball to Yedlin, who found Sergio Santos, who found Pavel Bucha, who found Evander loitering wide on Cincy’s left, who clipped the ball to Kubo with nothing immediately between him and Sean Johnson’s goal. The game was over but for the time left after Kubo beat Johnson to the far post.

Nashville SC Scouting Report: Folks, I Have a Feeling. A Feeling.

L to R: Muyl, Mukhtar, Surridge?

Think I found a vehicle for smuggling Western-Conference-wide chatter into a post – e.g., inside the upholstery on the seats, also, at the end of this post. First up, the Nashville SC Scouting Report.

Don’t worry. I’ll keep it brief. A good spy knows to talk about only what he observed directly. Oh, in the list of prior results below, W = Win, L = Loss, D = draw. I’m guessing you know that, but some guy last year made a joke about it and I never recovered.

Nashville SC
0-1-1, 1 pt., 0 gf, 2 ga (-2); home 0-0-1, away 0-1-0
Last Results: DL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v NE (0-0 D); @ RBNY (0-2 L)

About what you’d expect, though the home draw versus the New England Revolution had to sting a bit. I watched more of that one than I watched of last weekend’s road loss at Red Bull New York (~35 minutes) – and I watched more of that one than I should have (~30).

Big picture, Nashville’s a mediocre team with new head coach, B. J. Callaghan. Their broad profile remains the same: play hard to beat, let Hany Mukhtar cook. That worked better a couple seasons ago, when Hany had younger, plumper legs and a stronger supporting cast. In 2024, it led to a fucking terrible start to the season (click here, scroll way down), the second-fewest goals scored in all of MLS (click here, scroll down, then up) and missing the playoffs – and the early signs for 2025 don’t point to immediate improvement. You don’t see a lot of attacking talent (flair is dead) when you look at Nashville’s starting XI last week and the week before. After Mukhtar, Andy Najar gives you something up the right, but also from the back. and it’s been a while for Daniel Lovitz (good defender, tho); Alex Muyl provides strong running and competent combination, but that wraps up introductions for the crew tasked with feeding English (right?) forward, Sam Surridge. They haven’t got much to him lately – a (likely bogus) offside call pulled back his only “goal” of 2025 (against the Revs; pretty good) – which forces Surridge to move all over the receive the ball. While posted respectable numbers last season, he’s not a great field player and that just puts things back on Mukhtar and his Mediocre Men to find Surridge in good spots, but he’s not there – see moving all over – and the whole thing looks pretty circular and, no doubt, frustrating for all concerned.

Portland Timbers 1-0 Austin FC: Between Happiness and Satisfaction

This is not a highlight, but that is Ted Unkel.

Yes, ma’am, my homework is late. Yes, ma’am, it’s won’t happen again.

“Grappling with the possibility that I’m watching two mediocre teams play some JV shit.”
- Me, a Bluesky game thread, the 80th minute(?)

Upon further review, that overstates the case a bit. Portland Timbers players attempted at least two (hopeful) bicycle kicks, for one. Still, if I had to offer a key thought to hold in your head as you read everything that follows, that’s up there.

About the Game
The second shortest available video review of last Saturday's game (the "snapshot" is shorter...and pointless) reminded me that Austin FC fired a few more than I remembered – also notable, they fired a few more shots than Portland – including two that forced quality saves out of James Pantemis. Those came early and late, so credit to Pantemis for staying alert even as I was…nodding off, but none of the above has lured me into the Pantemania I saw popping up in various social media threads. You do you and all that, but I can’t think of what it would take me to take sides in a goalkeeper controversy, but assume it lands somewhere between insisting he must wear his “lucky sombrero” to reach his full potential or that three saves every game must be made by the famed scorpion-kick to build his social media brand. Seeing a defense limit the opposition to shots from range will consistently make me happier than anything a goalkeeper does.

Another telling detail in that short video review: the amount of time devoted to showing yellow cards. Few things stage-whisper “dud” quite like two teams failing to produce enough chances to fill a seven- minutes highlight reel.

Austin’s new signing, Brandon Vazquez, gets my credit for the best shot of the game – which, by the transitive property (associative? distributive?) hands Pantemis the best save – but Portland’s fucking new guy David Da Costa scored the goal that counted. It came (very) late, it took a little luck, and it was one of just two shots on goal for the Timbers (out of eight total), but I’m not above dipping my hand into the proverbial unflushed toilet if it means fishing out three points in the end.

Philadelphia Union 4-1 FC Cincinnati: All Kinds of Things Blowing in Their Faces, Plus a Toronto FC Scouting Report!

The wind was a factor, but not an excuse.

“…I can’t imagine a world where Philadelphia pushes Cincinnati around and back like they did against the Lions. Everything I’ve seen from them tells me Cincy will defend not just higher, but more aggressively than Orlando ever did…”

Few things kick a guy’s ego harder than seeing a confident prediction (from here; scroll way down) blow up in his face in just four days’ time. The Philadelphia Union shoved FC Cincinnati into a fucking locker last Saturday, posting a 4-1 home win that left their fans merrily dooping into the night. By the time the ref blew the final whistle, Philly had made off with their lunch money, best friend and first two girlfriends.

About the Game
Both teams came to battle and both looked game for it – even after the Union forced their first goal around Cincy’s right flank a mere six minutes into the game. Related, if mostly in a vibez/spiritual sense, Kai Wagner’s decision to continue his overlapping run contained the seed narrative for the way the entire game played out. Philadelphia’s players read a bounce before Cincy’s time and time again and saw a play develop two beats ahead: whether it was a sixth sense or the sixth day into some shared Groundhog Day, everything a Union player touched turned into something a little better; they played with their wind at their backs, literally, and somehow in both directions. Another thing I noticed: Philly didn’t press, at least not in a greyhound-after-a-mechanical rabbit way; it was more pushing a 4-2-4 to the top of Cincinnati’s defensive third, daring them to play, then getting after anything that moved like a greyhound getting after a mechanical rabbit. The approach proved beyond effective. Cincy struggled to get the ball to the center-stripe and saw it roll back into their defense more times than the Union’s 14 shots (7 on goal!) suggest. Philadelphia would score two more – one at the 30th minute, which included one of those moments when you appreciated VAR for teaching refs some humility (this was an easy call in real time), the second at the 52nd when Tai Baribo wrapped up his hat trick – without Cincy showing any meaningful signs of life. Cincinnati continued to play as if running knee-deep through mud even after Evander scored A Very Evander Goal (i.e., he did it all, start to finish). I’m told Cincinnati fired seven shots somewhere from inside that void and I’m guessing three of those shots and both of the shots on goal came at the end of Alvas Powell’s run from right back to (near) glory just after the 70th minute (this made the full highlights). If this game has a “what might have been,” it was Kevin Denkey tagging his rebound off Andre Blake’s right post instead of into the goal. If that shot goes in, maybe Philly sweats a little instead of making a feast out of another turnover by way of (the impressively effective) Quinn Sullivan feeding Uruguayan striker Bruno Damiani for their fourth. The game was over before it started and Baribo is, however implausibly, the current 2025 Golden Boot leader.

MLS Weakly Returns: Week 1 & Scouting Reports for the (Two) Home Team'(s)' Week 2 Opposition

Me going into every preseason, free 'n' easy.

To repeat a familiar refrain, mistakes were made. Who can say by whom?

The original model – which was probably imagined more in service of clicks than coherence – had me putting up weekly league-wide posts that included scouting reports on the following week’s opposition for the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati. Because that’s a terrible idea, on its face, next week’s scouting reports on the Week 3 opposition for Portland (Nashville SC) and Cincy (Toronto FC) will get rolled into the same post as the review for their Week 2 games. But, since I’m rolling with Plan A for this post, you’ll find scouting reports for the Week 2 opposition for the Timbers (Austin FC) and Cincinnati (the Philadelphia Union) at the bottom of this post.

With that, let’s get back to the Week 1 results, which will start with one Featured Game of the Week from each Major League Soccer conference. As much as I hope to keep that feature, I will also burn it all the way down if I can’t squeeze it between life, other ambitions, and trying to remain sane and whole in a world full of flaming idiotic bullshit. Ahem.

Another concept that died on impact with reality: posting one review each for the Eastern and Western Conferences.

Western Conference Notes
Featured Game of the Week
San Jose Earthquakes 4-0 Real Salt Lake (Viewing: 15-30; 60-till the goals dried up)
This didn’t look nearly as bad as the final score in real time, something borne out by the top-line stats. Moreover, RSL rotated pretty heavily to preserve their legs for last week’s and this week’s CONCACAF Champions’ Cup games against Herediano – I’d turn to local reporting for a clearer read on how that much mattered – which means that, like a handful of teams (but not Sporting Kansas City, not any more), their heads might have been elsewhere. This eye-catching blowout comes with a couple caveats, in other words, those start with “it’s Week 1, y’all” and end with maybe tapping the brakes a little. Also, dig those away jerseys, Utah’s finest. My take on San Jose lands somewhere between giving them real credit for a strong opener (which comes with a side of quietly and sympathetically pulling for them) and rolling my eyes at a click-bait headline about “The Bruce Arena effect!” The ‘Quakes didn’t play against the ball as much as the possession stats suggest and connected smartly enough when they did go forward. The win featured a familiar standout, Cristian Espinoza, who lined up as a wingback in what everything I have available dubbed a 3-5-2 (the broadcast kept identifying him as a “right back”). He ended the game with two assists – one of them a dime dropped from a mile away (SJ’s third, scored by Ousseni Bouda) – but the balance of the damage followed from indifferent defensive cover from RSL’s midfield – e.g., San Jose’s first and fourth goals (and was that Diego Luna drifting off mid-defending in both cases?). RSL played, y’know, soccer well enough, and even created more chances (some quite good), but plenty of those 21 shots came from too far out to trouble the ‘Quakes ‘keeper, Daniel. A fair amount of credit for that goes to San Jose’s defense – Rodrigues looked as good as anyone on the field (and Bruno Wilson looks like everyone’s best friend; seriously, watch the goal celebrations) – and a little improvement could go a long way for them. So, again, this one’s hairy with caveats, but…noted.
Why This Game?
Every team that finished below the Timbers in 2024, but improves in 2025 stands out as a potential obstacle toward them reaching the playoffs. Think zero-sum meets relative, and let me know when you know what that means. I’m also not clear on where I think RSL will end up, so the possibility they may trend down for 2025 provided another draw. Related, I think Herediano kicked them out of the CCC earlier tonight.

FC Cincinnati 1-0 Red Bull New York: Pour One Out for Daniel Edelman...

The Dream, circa June 2025.

To start with a biographical note, for context: I followed FC Cincinnati really closely through the second half of 2018, damn near all of 2019, through the second half of 2020, barely in 2021, through the middle of 2022, and sporadically in 2023. Based on the number of Word docs I have saved in various folders, that came to around 120 games total of attentive viewing, if with the balance coming in seasons when FC Cincy, for lack of a smarter pair of words, fucking sucked…

…a normal fan/person would have been utterly enrapt in the 2023 Supporters' Shield run, but that just meant less to write about for me. I ran out of ways to say, “still killin’ it, full-time and every day.”

After what looked like a complicated 2024 season – i.e., they looked genuinely competitive until the middle of July and/or the defense broke – I decided to reconnect with Cincinnati as my main East Conference squeeze. If nothing else, it felt like a good anchor for keeping an eye on the East, but it came with the added bonus of watching a team that went through at least two ambitious changes in personnel – e.g., the signing of forward Kevin Denkey and swapping Luciano Acosta for recent Portland Timbers transplant, Evander. Both moves speak to the “not-fucking-around” mentality that Cincy’s front office has embraced after those searing, worst seasons.

Part of the work of getting back into the swing with FC Cincy comes with humbly accepting that I’ll need some time to get to know the latest iteration; the first eight-to-ten games of season will be more about learning than dropping judgments from the mountain top (also, not my style). The goal is to be in full, limbs-swinging double-Dutch mode and capable of seeing what's up with clear, perhaps even cold, eyes by mid-summer. We'll see how that goes, but let's start with (the wild guesswork) and...

Portland Timbers 1-4 Vancouver Whitecaps: The Brutal Laws of the Game & a Game to Aggressively Memory-Hole

So long as it feels better later, I'm good.

The rules of the game, when read and applied in black and white, make some calls unavoidable, even inevitable. I don’t know what Kamal Miller could have done differently in real time – i.e., Brian White’s first touch took the ball into the space into which Miller was running to catch up, he couldn’t do much to avoid some contact, so the real question was always going to turn on the kind of contact that occurred (you can toggle to the video here, but the link doesn't appear to change to the specific highlight) – but, no matter how many details you drop into the basic scenario, there is simply no getting around the fact that Miller was the last defender covering White, an attacking player running into a one-v-one against the ‘keeper, Maxime Crepeau.

I’m confident some Portland Timbers fan will undertake a frame-by-frame deconstruction to argue that White went down too easily and that another other fan will explore the practical physics of how much weight Miller’s hand would have needed to exert upon White’s shoulder in order to cause him to actually fall: by my reading, calling White for a dive presents the only alternative to the red card and I don’t see enough in what happened to sustain a flop.

Miller’s red card wasn’t the only mistake the Timbers made today; it was merely the first. It took several more to get to today’s lopsided 1-4 loss to the Vancouver Whitecaps in Portland. Again. The smoldering question turns on how many of those mistakes followed from Miller’s red card against the balance of them that happened all on their own.

Before getting to that, or to anything else really, I want any Timbers fan who finds this post to keep one thought firmly in mind: as much as this result stings, maybe even embarrasses, it does not matter. It doesn’t matter even a little. Portland still has 33 games left to play and they remain very much alive on the bare terms of competing for an indulgently generous allotment of playoff slots. As MLS fans learn every season, and appear to unlearn after each regular season starts, a team can eat absolute clown-shit for three, even four months and still redeem the season with a good run in the playoffs – see, United FC, Atlanta, just one season ago (even if their own fans don’t entirely feel it). So, throw in the fact that the Timbers couldn’t field its best-possible team, take a deep breath, take the L (/spectator-sports equivalent of an enema), get out those binoculars so that you can take the longest possible view of the overall situation…

…which isn’t the same thing as thinking the Timbers are destined to have a good season, never mind a great one.

Charlotte FC 2-0 Portland Timbers: About the Thing That Happened and the Thing to Happen

Evander II is dead, long live [Evander II.]

Over the opening six to eight minutes of today’s final preseason game, the Portland Timbers played some of the finest soccer I’ve seen from them since the salad days of mid-June to mid-July 2024. The defensive lines pressed high and disrupted 90% of what Charlotte FC tried to do and Diego Chara sat deep, playing balls long wide to Jimer Fory on the right and…Eric Miller on the left.

Treat the words after the ellipses as a short way of saying that the lineup that Portland started today – a 3-5-2 (probably?) with Felipe Mora and Kevin Kelsy up top, Fory and E. Miller on either side of a midfield block built around Chara, Joao Ortiz, and David Ayala, a back three of Dario Zuparic, Zac McGraw, and Kamal Miller, and Maxime Crepeau in goal – was not and, ideally, will not, could not, and cannot be Phil Neville’s Plan A for the 2025 campaign. I have no insight into how long regular starters like Santiago Moreno, Jonathan Rodriguez, Juan David Mosquera and [New Evander] will get back on the field. I can only hope that start trickling in soon enough to take advantage of one of the softer opening stretches the Timbers have seen for gods know how long. Between First Kick and mid-April, Portland has four home games, three of them winnable and one against a dismantled and limping Los Angeles Galaxy team, and even if Nashville SC has improved (rumors of a flawless preseason have reached this monitoring station), I’ve seen tougher road games. That’s 24 points up for grabs, the balance of them for the taking. Gods know a strong start would do this team good.

Getting back to today’s 0-2 loss to Charlotte, the remaining 72 to 74 didn’t go so good. Even when the game was somewhat even – aka, the first half – Charlotte managed to turn possession into chances before Portland could. Worse, the Timbers faded out of the game, both gradually and quickly (neat trick, btw), and to a point where forcing a draw looked like the best possible outcome for a generally impotent Timbers team. That possibility went “poof” when Charlotte opened the scoring at the 65th minute by working the ball up Portland’s left and finishing the play by findin Kerwin Vargas in a half-space, in the channel (with the butcher knife). From there, there was nothing left to do but let the clock run out…but then new guy, Joao Ortiz, squared the ball one step away from Tyger Smalls (great name, no notes) and he literally lumbered out the field and finished off one of the clumsiest goals I’ve ever seen scored by a professional (which you can relive through the link above, if you so choose). In a world where Portland looked like they’d ever score, that might have a hurt a little. On this one, it just felt like finishing a thought.

A Proposal for League-Wide Coverage in 2025 & My Romantic Engagement with Every Team in MLS

Google "brides." Genuinely fascinating.

After more late-night deliberation than a proud man would confess to, I have arrived at a league-wide coverage model for 2025, Major League’s Soccer’s (alleged) 30th season. [Ed. – I think they just want a “big” anniversary before Messi fucks off to retirement.]

I hereby commit to following the Portland Timbers, as always (over hill, over dale, through rain, sleet, and snow, in a banana republic, or a constitutional one, forsaking none by my wife, vacations, and the occasional nap), but I hereby also recommit to FC Cincinnati (no, really this time; it’ll be different, baby!). Before anyone casts even the first whisper of aspersion, I renewed that vow before the (exciting!) domino effect dogpile of trades that ultimately sent Evander to Cincy.

I also hereby commit to watching a minimum of 60 minutes of all games involving any team that will play either Portland or Cincinnati the following MLS Match Day. That will allow me to share notes on not just what I saw in that game, but also how those teams have done in the weeks heading into the game before the most important game of their season, i.e., any game played against Portland and Cincinnati.

The posts featuring notes from the game(s) Cincy and the Timbers just played, plus (brief) notes on their opposition for the following week will go up on Sunday or Monday of every week.

I also hereby commit to watching a minimum of 45 minutes of two Featured Games every week. For the first 127 Match Days (yes, this is arbitrary), Featured Games shall involve only intra-Conference games – none of that inter-conference shit – and I will watch one game from each conference. I may stick with that \over the second half of the season, I may not; that's when the spirit takes the wheel.

Notes on those games, the teams involved and how they’ve looked in the weeks prior will top a pair of posts that will go up Wednesday evening and I’ll round those out with stray things I pick up from anything else I can get to between Sunday and Monday, plus whatever Matt Doyle (or his substitute analyst) churns out after the relevant Match Day (why do I feel like I should be capitalizing that?).

Mild Dread & the Preseason So Far

"Mild dread" is very literal on today's internet.

To get preliminaries out of the way, it’s the preseason, nothing matters, not just in the Portland Timbers extended universe, but generally, and I’m not taking much of anything, or even anything at all, from either today’s 0-0 draw against Chicago Fire FC or Wednesday’s 2-1 win over the San Jose Earthquakes. With that in mind…

Broadly
The Timbers looked sharper against San Jose than they did against Chicago, but I didn’t see much for fluid attacking movement in either game – Portland scored two goals against San Jose, one a set-piece, the other one half-trash – so opportunism looks to continue its long reign over well-oiled attacking machinery. Chicago provided stiffer competition – more on that shortly – but I don’t see the point of reading too much into any of that beyond filing away the possibility that the Fire may be further along in its rebuild than San Jose is in theirs. Based on what I saw, Portland’s 2025 Preseason First Team has some capacity to press – with the caveat that starting Felipe Mora disarms that a bit – and that gave them a good half against San Jose and a strong opening 10 minutes against Chicago. Related, I don’t expect much pressing to continue once Evander and Jonathan Rodriguez get back into the fold, but who knows?

Also, four points in two games would look a lot better if it hadn’t come against two of MLS’s most-plagued franchises (seriously, I’ve done the math, both teams are cursed). Still, Portland cleared the bar on the (meaningless) results side…woo-hooooooo.

I multi-tasked through the San Jose game (because working), so the notes below come more from what I saw against Chicago today…but I’m noting them because I believe they still (unfortunately) pertain generally.

The Lingering Issue
The Timbers continue to present as a combination of rushed and disconnected when they get on the ball. The symptoms get worse anytime they play teams that press, or even mark man-to-man, but this feels ominous against a scrolling backdrop of Portland struggling with passing and/or composure on the ball for some seasons now. A few overlapping pathologies either create or play into this problem. Because I just burned a half hour failing to wrestle this into bullet-points, and my bastard brain refused to tap-out, please consider this stream-of-consciousness up-chuck my first draft at examining the problem: