Getting Reacquainted with Minnesota United FC, the Very Modern Model of a Median MLS Franchise

"It could be going better!"

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I tend to think of Minnesota as a team that always makes the playoffs, but never looks much like reaching the end of them. That’s only half right, though, if for a couple reasons. First, Minnesota missed the post-season entirely their first two seasons and again in 2023. Second, even when the Loons do qualify – which, to be clear, they’ve done more often not, and directly more often than as a wild card team – they almost always fall out before the quarterfinals. That drops them into the folds of the biggest wrinkle in the Joy Points formula* - i.e., teams only get credit for qualifying as a wild card if they clear the next two hurdles in the post-season – and that choice obscures the reality that the Loons are a solid regular season team. Solidity feels like a good descriptor for what Minnesota has done on the field through their short history, as well. Adrian Heath coached them from their ascent from the USL (in 2017) to round about the latter third of 2023, when they let him go. In my mind, “Heath-ball” has generally meant fielding teams that were constipated in every sense of the word - think stubborn and unimaginative - it took the organization getting its defensive midfield in order. It started with bringing Osvaldo Alonso over from Seattle in 2019 and Minnesota has kept that close enough to effective with additions like Jan Gregus and Hasani Dotson(?). Still, putting a shield in front of “imposing” center backs – i.e., large, slow-ish, but combative and capable center backs like Michael Boxall, Brent Kallman, (briefly) Ike Opara, and Bakaye Dibassy – went a long way toward taking care of one side of the team. On the other, Minnesota has this tic, equal parts knack and limitation, of finding one guy with enough talent to make a competent defense pay off enough times. The most famous version of that was the “mercurial” Emanuel Reynoso (he's a chronic hooky-player), but they've also pulled out a couple wild cards or two, with the too-oft injured Kevin Molino serving as a tragic figure. When all else fails, Minnesota leans into one of the best all-purpose Band-aids in MLS history, one-man multi-tool, Finnish jack-of-all-but-defensive-trades, Robin Lod to steer the ship to shore. When that certain magic player cannot be found, is unavailable, or is, say, refusing to report for duty (see: Reynoso), Minnesota winds up relying on a rotating cast of characters like Darwin Quintero (for whom they had huge dreams, honestly), Ethan Finlay, Bongokuhle Hlongwane (just re-signed!), Tani Oluwaseyi, and half-random guys like, say, Franco Fragapane. All that work and movement has yielded the returns immediately below…

Total Joy Points: 1

How They Earned Them (& *How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
MLS Playoffs Semifinals: 2020
MLS Playoffs/Quarterfinals: 2024
U.S. Open Cup Runner-Up: 2019

Minnesota United FC 3-2 Portland Timbers: Counter-Point

Keep the happy memories, wherever you find them.

Periodically, and only through the latter half of the season, I’ve asked - no, demanded - that the Portland Timbers rest key players - your Diegos (Chara and Valeri) and, although I’ve never mentioned the centerbacks, or fullbacks, I was glad to see Zarek Valentin and Larrys Mabiala catch a breather. When the Timbers did that tonight...it did not go well. Factually, if you’ve got any belief in this team left (and I do, if in heavily-caveated form), the first half of Minnesota United FC’s 3-2 win over Portland felt like someone pulling your esophagus out through your asshole. That goes double when you’ve been persistently arguing, directly or indirectly, that the Timbers have to trust their depth.

To start with the first half (I mean, why not?), and let’s take the Timbers out of the equation, I would have never expected any assemblage of professional players to crumble under pressure like that. Minnesota sicced a player on every ball before Portland players could take a breath, and Portland gave away their giveaways often and by every available means - e.g., stalling on the ball, through panicked, yet ambitious passing, and, in Alvas Powell’s case, by letting indecision cause the professional athlete’s version of a seizure. Warning signs flashed miles/minutes ahead of the goals Minnesota scored and, after all those goals piled on (this one by a defender...nice), I was anticipating the second half like a cancer diagnosis. Something else happened instead - and I’d argue that only complicated the proper understanding of the mess that was tonight.

I appreciate that a stats-loathing crowd exists within the soccer world; I would’ve called myself a card-carrying member for years, but, between not having enough time to follow all the teams and beginning to wonder whether watching every game isn’t just a pathway to more elegant bullshitting, I’ve come around to numbers. And no specific stat captures the shift in game state in this game quite like shots: at the half, Minnesota had 13 shots, 8 on goal to Portland’s 4 shots and 1 on goal. Now comes the flip: the game ended with Minnesota on 18 shots, 10 on goal, while the Timbers finished with 12 and 5 - a number that puts the second half at 5 shots, 2 on versus 8 shots, 4 on. And the game looked like that, and I think that's clarifying. In this case, those numbers told the story (there are no bad stats, there are only stats badly applied).

To step away from the top-line, tonight was all about testing a personal theory that the Timbers can rest key players without falling apart. With that in mind, I report, and with some sorrow, that the live demonstration of a Tomas Conechny start hinted heavily that he’s not yet ready for prime time, and that’s the worst thing about tonight. (Also, is Lucas Melano ready for...any time?) I understand the concept of “young player,” but the contrast between Sebastian Blanco finding the ball versus Conechny’s protracted, and likely accidental, hiding from it is damning. I won’t judge Conechny on this one game because, isolated, “meh” instances aside, I never really saw him. Then again, I clearly wasn't the only person to find him underwhelming: Conechny was subbed at the half, and that Portland - again, by the numbers (and through the eyes) - looked, and shot, far, far better in the second half. To note it, this came before Diego Valeri’s entered the game.

It was Diego Chara who came into the game at the half and, probably, settled everything down. Never forget that, and starting building the mold for that statue. I have persuasive arguments on this subject, don’t test me.

Portland Timbers 3-2 Minnesota United FC: It Wasn't Dealt With Well

The Alvas Powell Award.

Sweet Jesus, where do I begin?

I expected the Portland Timbers to score, but without expecting Minnesota United FC to even sort of keep up if they did. I expected something tidier, boring even, two teams coursing back in forth as if running with plastic bags over their cleats, and two, maybe three goals going in - and per the distributional assumptions above (that is Portland would win by 2-0, 2-1, maybe even 3-0). By playing for their jobs (or…maybe even for the badge), Minnesota turned those assumptions on their head. The extent that Portland allowed them to do it is the underlying subject of this post, the question waiting for an answer. Whatever I expected tonight, it wasn’t that.

The Bizarro-World game that played under this one earns a mention too. Both teams scored goals that the referee (who? dunno. I’ll look it up tomorrow; I’m on a roll…or just starting one) called back for offside. I think the goal the Timbers scored should have counted, but I think the “goal” Minnesota scored (that is the one legitimately offside) established the center of this game as much as anything. Minnesota pulled Portland apart on that move; it was only the offside flag that saved the Timbers an earlier comeback than the one that ultimately arrived.

Portland’s offside goal, to their credit, followed from the kind of hunger you want to see in your local soccer club, players barreling forward to panic defenders, etc. The way that bobbled off Diego Valeri’s shin just so…look, under the rules of general physics, a ball doesn’t bounce with such perfect weight off someone else’s anything, which makes me see Valeri’s feed to Fanendo Adi as another piece of luck to bounce Portland’s way. Look, I saw the deflection on Alvas Powell’s cross to set up the Timbers’ second by Diego Valeri, and that lagged matched the timing of Valeri’s run. When I wrote last week about things just kind of working at home, that's totally what I'm talking about. General physics really do seem to bend in front of the home crowd, as if some omni-scientific placed magnets in the right places to make the ball move just so.

Hold on. I'm digressing from the anxiety I feel after this game. Have I mentioned that, or only hinted at it?

All in all, 4-2 final score would have wronged neither party; the same goes for a 4-3, a 3-3, or the slim, scrambling 3-2 win Portland managed in the end. By the same token, a 2-3 loss, or even a 2-2 draw would have written a reasonable script for what happened at Providence Park tonight. Not that I was there. I had offers, but I also had a schedule, but why am I bugging you with my problems? OK, while I’m here, I sometimes pass on going to games in person so I can better cut out the din (e.g., I’m an incorrigible people watcher, so, SO easily distracted). I can’t describe the amount of conversation that carried on over this game tonight; I can only tell you it was fine, welcome, even. Still, I probably missed some shit. I try to keep things real in this joint…