The Timbers: How They Score (When They Score)

Again! And do it exactly right this time!!

If you sit down to watch all 25 goals scored by the Portland Timbers in this Year of Our Lord, 2015, and let memory take thought for a little tango, you come to appreciate a few things. Among them:

- It never really got better than that home win over Seattle. The Timbers scored Number 18 in that one and, ah, she was something, that goal.

- Timbers have treated their fans to a few short, sweet mini-narratives this season. Or, per your preference, false dawns: those two, three weeks when Jorge Villafana made it possible to believe the club had pulled a secret dead-ball specialist out of its ass; the two-game partnership between Gaston Fernandez and Maximiliano Urruti that turned out to Gata’s swan-song. The team snuck in a couple surprise highs – see, Jack Jewsbury's late-game-hero cameos (speaking of swan-songs...it's comin,’ Jack) – but the great, fitful constant for the season comes with those wonderful occasions when Darlington Nagbe tore straight through the fucking sternum of a couple defenses, punching right GODDAMN THROUGH TO THE BEATING, BLEEDING HEART...OH MY GOD?! WHY AM I YELLING?! GOAL! GOAL!!!

- Those are cherished moments, those times when Nagbe all but freakin' teleported into that gap 25-30 yards from goal with defenders scrambling before him like panicked villagers with barbarians snapping at their heels. Feels like it's been awhile. Guess that's it. Thought maybe if I yelled loud enough they'd come back. Anyway, it's easy to forget sometimes just how much Nagbe was all over Portland's first seven goals of the season, late(-ish) as they came.

- Finally, who can forget the weird, hopeful waiting for Diego Valeri to come back.

- The feeling hasn't gone away.

- Has it?

Portland Timbers Missed Opportunities: The One Everyone Knows. And the Other One.

Wait, is this really my opening argument on Gaston Fernandez?

Gaston Fernandez wasn't directly involved in my strongest memory of his time with the Portland Timbers. That came courtesy of a guy who slotted into seats next to what were once my season tickets (which have now been passed on to, in my estimation, the best season ticket holder in the history of the species, if not the genus). During some random game in 2014, as the starting line-ups played out over the loudspeakers, the various sets of fans around me got to talking and arguing about each player as his name was called. When Fernandez name came up, I leaned over to the guy next me (a friend, btw; not some random guy) and said something to the effect of, "Yeah, he's not doing it for me so far."

Hearing this, The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine (now his official name) leaned over to tell me (not a friend, btw; a random guy) and said, "He puts the ball in the back of the net." Not being the kind to let an argument go unchallenged - and, goddamn that horrible Mockney accent - I pointed out some of Fernandez's apparently hidden deficiencies. The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine replied by shaking his head and repeating, "He puts the ball in the back of the net." And again with the Mockney...

That guy really bugged me that night. And for a couple nights after. I got over it, though, and realized he's a damned enthusiastic, very friendly guy. All in all, very likeable. Turns out I'm the dick. So, yeah, that thing about first impressions? Basically bullshit.

Getting back to Fernandez, no, I didn't get his game. That's to say, if you put a gun to my head and demanded that I pick Fernandez's best spot on the field...well, put it this way, the time it took for things to turn to me laying dead on the floor depends entirely on my ability to stall. That said, I can readily offer up an idea of what comes to mind when I think of Fernandez: those two or three (or maybe four or five) goals he scored early in 2014 when he kept on magically appearing on the back post, in the 'keeper's blind-spot, to tap in a shot from, at most, two yards out. I think that's what The Guy Who Slotted Into the Seats Next to Mine was thinking when he said what he did.

Portland Timbers Just Sort of Walk Over the Houston Dynamo

Wait. Will he still have a number?

The Portland Timbers won.

I think that's a sufficient explanation. The Timbers out...did the Houston Dynamo in every meaningful facet of the game. Unless they snuck in another one during bathroom breaks (at home; no line) or during the intermission where I had to regulate on some howling UFC action between cats, the Dynamo produced two oh-so-close shots all night: the goal that should have counted for Raul Rodriguez off an early corner for Houston combined with Ricardo Clark’s pick on Jorge Villafana. Later, Clark (again) almost scored the infamous Juggling Recumbent. He would have pulled it off, too, if it wasn’t for that meddling crossbar...

It's possible Clark was the most potent player on the field tonight. He just lacked the supporting cast to make anything. Back to Houston's highlights...

...those two moments came damn close to changing the script in Portland tonight; had the Dynamo scored the first one, in particular, it's hard to know how the Timbers would react. When’s the last time they had to come back into a game after going a goal or two down (May 30; not so long ago, as it happens). To their credit, Portland did plenty to make those two moments isolated events. Most to the point, Portland made and finished two great chances, both of them lousy with Argentines. Fans got a cherry on top when Diego Valeri came off the bench and showed enough flashes to get arrested in any civilized state. Well, given the right setting.

Before moving on to Timbers Talki...no, Timbers talking points (not all caps), just a thought or two more on Houston. The Dynamo looked pretty clueless out there tonight, something that probably had a lot to do with having Brad Davis and Giles Barnes missing. Impressed as I was at all the panic Clark created all night (very), he pulled enough of that out of his ass to make one worry that the next thing he pulled out would be a vital organ. Another thing for Houston to wrestle with was how readily the Timbers got around Kofi Sarkodie all night. Portland keyed on his flank enough to imply a pre-planned line of attack; the payoff the Timbers achieved probably won't go unnoticed. More than anything else, though, the Dynamo was undone by sloppiness all over the field. Errant passes, passes that went behind, or ahead of players’ runs, or, worse, flat-out give-aways like the one Horst coughed up to Maximiliano Urruti, or…some damn mess out of the back or another. Sorry, want to get to the talking points...

A History of Portland Timbers' Forwards, MLS Era

Open minded. Just want goals....

I coveteth a forward from another Major League Soccer club: Sporting Kansas City's Krisztian Nemeth. It started innocently enough, back in the pre-season, when he lit up a club or two in one of the ever-proliferating preseason tournaments. (sorry, no links; KC runs one of MLS’s limited website templates.) Coveting ripened to lust (bosom now heaving) when he put his foot up Chris Hedges' ass in KC's recent rout over FC Dallas (just, FYI, I'm down with master/slave stuff) and so his reputation grew, at least in my eyes. I dream of him winning the Golden Boot, MLS MVP, and possibly MLS Defender of the Year the way a pre-teen girl imagines Zayn Malik strolling into her bedroom. I mean, look at that sick little spin against Hedges (start watching at about 1:30 here). Totes dreamy!

Let's pause there, because I looked up Nemeth's numbers yesterday. They're solid, certainly, and they don’t capture the full scope of Nemeth’s contribution (he passes well, combines a little better, and, to borrow an Armchair Analyst favorite, he's developing reasonable gravity). That said, his level, at least in terms of raw numbers, should translate pretty readily for Portland Timbers fans: Nemeth is exactly one assist better than the oft-slagged Fanendo Adi. Both players have 6 goals; Nemeth just has two assists to Adi's one.

I lead this post on the Portland Timbers'....troubled? Allegedly troubled? Imperfect? A couple steps on the wrong side of paradise? At any rate, I entered into this exploration of the Timbers' history of signing forwards on the premise that none of them really panned out for Portland. But I lead with that note on Nemeth to acknowledge that perception, greed (for goals), and envy play some role in all this. (Also, just real quick: I had hoped to include some data from the USL/A-League days, but those are buried deeper in the internet than I'm willing to dig, at least while I’m on a self-imposed deadline. The only forward from those days who I remember by name is Fadi Afash. He was impressive, too, scoring 27 goals in 53 games for the USL Timbers...he, uh, also embezzled $138,000 from an elderly couple, which puts him squarely in the Timbers All-Time XI for non-violent criminals; um, back to regularly scheduled programming).

Timbers Top New England: The Wonderful Efficiency of the Counter-Revolution

Yes, that is absolutely as fun as it looks.

A couple things escaped my attention while watching the Portland Timbers' late (late) 2-0 win over the New England Revolution. Holy yellow cards, for one. That ref really seemed to get a kick of pulling stuff out of his pocket.

One thing that couldn't be missed, however, was how well Portland pinned New England into the wrong end of a shooting gallery. I can't check the box scores yet (still games to watch; still results to parse), but I'd be shocked if Portland managed more shots on goal in any game this season as they put up against the Revs. The reputations of the club reversed a little, in fact, with the Timbers playing the short, quick, slick stuff on which New England built their little near-empire over the past couple seasons.

There's not much to say about New England, really, who got something close to over-run last night. The worst thing one could say is that they lost all of Adi on Portland's opening goal. They had a couple chances, of course, and Adam Kwarasey bobbled a couple of them (but on a night, and in the context of looking better every game), but the Timbers crashed into them one wave after the other. Something about harnessing the Power of the Pacific. Which, as everyone knows, is the superior ocean.

And there it is: Portland's first three-game winning streak in their short life in Major League Soccer. It's a bit of a shame, really, that the Timbers have next week(end) off, because thar be wind in the sails and a fair wind it is (Arrr, me mateys!) And there's a little irony in this because before this streak started, most Timbers fans would have killed for this week off with any eye to buying time to get Diego Valeri back on field. And that’s a good place to start into the talking points.

The Revolution Comes to Portland: A Preview (+ More MLS Week 14!)

Like New England, only with WAY better kits.

(Editor's NOTE: The rush of a week’s worth of new sights and sounds meant I never made time to circle back to the Portland Timbers' win over the Colorado Rapids. (Bad amateur pundit!!) As such, that will inform the preview below as...context, I guess? And only in the first paragraph.)

For those who haven't heard, this weekend's game against the New England Revolution affords the Timbers the opportunity to do something they've failed to do since ascending into the Major League Soccer orbit – i.e. win three games in a row. One would think that, surely, Portland managed this during the annus mirabilis that was 2013, but apparently not. It’s not inconceivable that trip-‘n’-sputter run goes all the way back to the Timbers USL days…not a ton of hot streaks come to mind (but, yes, in 2009; holy...they even managed a five-game streak!).

Will the visiting Revolution squad play a sufficiently pliable (Homecoming) victim? Tough to say. As I think everyone knows by now, neither Jermaine Jones nor Juan Agudelo will suit up for New England on Saturday (injury and international absence, respectively). Such details sweeten Portland's prospects a little given the Revolution's recent run of form. Let's just say that games 4-9 (5-0-1) treated New England a hell of a lot better than games 10-14 (0-1-4). Game-day opposition might have played a role - the clubs beat in their earlier, glory run (e.g. Colorado, the Philadelphia Union (at their worst), and Real Salt Lake) are on the opposite side of the standings from the clubs they faced in later, leaner games (e.g. DC United, Sporting Kansas City, and the Los Angeles Galaxy) – but there's something neither here nor there, and both here and there, about New England in 2015.

To clarify that last mess with clean numbers, the Revolution scores like Seattle, but defends like New York City FC (well...that's among others with the latter, honestly, but most clubs who come near their 18 goals-against aren't doing so hot).

Excited as I am about this one (and I get to go to (half-)watch it live!), this game, along with several others, let Week 14 shape up pretty nicely. I'll do little bullet/point-of-interest previews for those games after previewing the main event: Portland Timbers v. New England Revolution. Let's go with...five talking points this time.

Timbers Top DC United - I Even Caught Parts of It

The only thing missing is a beer.

Sending me to watch a soccer game live is like dropping an infant into a room full of mirrors, crinkly stuffed animals and buttons that make noises when pushed. I get very, very distracted. By everything (I haven’t quietly "made" at a live game; so far so good). When I'm not staring at everything but the game, I'm talking to the person I came with. Damn close to non-stop, too. Because I like my friends.

So, anyone looking for in-depth, closely observed match analysis probably ought to check elsewhere (the stuff in there on Gaston Fernandez is interesting in a "hey-a-friend-of-a-friend-who-you-will-never-meet-did-this-interesting-thing" kind of way). Happily, the couple articles and the box score I checked this morning matched my fuzzy impressions of the game (which degraded to downright wooly by the 85th minute), down even to wondering if everyone played that little bit better because they’re all afraid that Will Johnson will holler at them...

Yet I think that’s the key: the Portland Timbers, as a whole, just played a better game last night. And, shit, buried the lead again, the Timbers beat a thrown-together DC United side 1-0. They didn't appear to do anything drastically different, either. Dairon Asprilla had a beast of a run, bulling and stumbling through and over three DC players (that one got the crowd all whooped-up) and he looked great on both sides of the ball, and I guess that’s a good short-hand for what went right out there. The Timbers, as a whole, shelved the occasional hesitant listlessness that has weighed so heavily on the season and instead played with good, solid aggression. Basically, they chose not to suck. Perhaps out of fear of Will Johnson.

And...that's where the analysis dries up. After that, I agree with some general observations made in other people's analyses/articles – e.g. I’d rather see Maximiliano Urruti out there than Fanendo Adi, uh, let’s not carried away with one win, um, this wasn’t DC’s best, first team, etc. Oh, to part ways a little with one comment, I would like to see Asprilla start over Rodney Wallace. No shade on Wallace, really, but I think Asprilla has a couple more tricks in his bag. And we need tricks, people.

Toronto FC 1-0 Portland Timbers: The Real Meaning of #RCTID

RCTID, aka domestic bliss.

About three years into a real relationship – as in a sexual, monogamous, in-it-for-the-long-haul sort of arrangement – all the failings that you once laughed at become the grating quirks and habits that make you want to either leave, or set up a very, very active Tinder account. There's a decision to be made at this point, obviously, staying in or getting out. And, with the Portland Timbers, I, and just about everyone else who calls themselves a fan, is committed for the long haul, warts, farts, terrible hygiene, bad breath, philandering, perverse, diaper-based sexual preferences, and all.

But, lord, the Timbers try the patience of ten GGG saints...

I watched the game next to a guy who laughed non-stop all the way through the first half. I thought it was fitting, if in the spirit of a long-suffering wife laughing at her husband’s impotence. I know the feeling because, right now, I feel nothing short of contempt for my club. After weeks of having faith that Portland has a shot to get some kind of result from every game, the gears shifted after this one. My default belief going into every game is that Portland will lose.

To keep with analogy, every win will become my constantly drunk wife remembering our anniversary for the first time in three years. All together now...AWWW...

So much hate to spread around. I want to hate Adam Kwarasey because, as I tweeted during the game, every cross that flies over his box looks like the first one he's ever seen. And yet he's not the problem: not only did he make (a minimum of) three solid saves, he even improved on crosses as the game wore on. And, once again, Darlington Nagbe turned in another...let's call it a head-scratcher. The man has turning sickness – i.e. the disease one sees in wildebeests with their brains eaten full of holes where they turn in circles till they die in the dirt – and yet he probably set up Portland’s best, few chances, or the passes that led to the same. I want to fault the defense, but, after setting up a shooting gallery for Toronto FC and/or Sebastian Giovinco over the first 20 minutes, the back four shut down pretty nicely overall. And yet I did manage to hold onto a bundle clear, satisfying hatred...see talking point #4 below.

Orlando City Tops Portland Timbers at Home: A Game of Moments

Have things gone better? Absolutely, yes.

Earlier today, Orlando City SC came to Portland, Oregon, and shattered my confident predictions about old dogs pulling over a big one on a pack of young whelps. As many times as I felt a come-back coming on (just once, actually, about 65th minute), the Portland Timbers put together too few opportunities in what turned out to be a 2-0 loss, at home, to one of Major League Soccer’s (MLS) two 2015 expansion clubs.

What we have here is a dead body with many causes of death. Orlando deftly played around the high-ish press team defense that brought Portland reasonable success over the past couple of weeks. While several players had decent games, they had them in isolation from one another; in a word, cohesion was lacking. Just about every Portland Timber had moments today; trouble was, too many players had bad moments to match their good ones – especially the fullbacks, Alvas Powell and Jorge Villafana.

The funny thing is, the damage doesn't always come from the likeliest areas. For instance, Brek Shea tore up Alvas Powell and Portland's right, generally, and yet Orlando's opening goal came from Villafana's side of the field. The Timbers clawed back from the moment that first goal went in, if half-heartedly, and they had some half-chances. Sadly, half never translated to whole and, as I see it, the Timbers attack never made Orlando 'keeper, and former Timber, Donovan Ricketts, work half as hard as should have to earn that clean sheet.

It's not inaccurate to say I lost interest when Kaka knocked in his second crack at the penalty spot...yes, if I was at the stadium, I would have walked, but that also segues wonderfully to the talking points.

Portland Timbers 2015 Season Preview: Bringing Back (Most of) The Same Band

Oooh....damn girl, I know it!

What Happened Last Year
Agonizingly simple really: the Portland Timbers coughed up inopportune goals last year like the ladies who dish samples at Costco. Portland fed far too many teams free lunch this way. No game exemplified the failing like the 4-4 epic draw against the Seattle Sounders early in the season; up 4-2 early in the second half, the Timbers eventually fell apart under pressure from one of just two MLS clubs with better offensive numbers last season. The Timbers noted the problem and announced how seriously they took it by signing, Liam Ridgewell, a weird-for-MLS defensive designated player. Ridgewell came and the problems, well, they stayed. Portland's playoff dream all but ended when done in by another defensive collapse, e.g. the late-season 3-2 loss to Toronto FC, which, again, saw Portland throw away a two-goal lead. Oh, and midfielder and team captain, Will Johnson, suffered a broken leg at the start of that one. And Key Man, Diego Valeri, limped through the tail end of the season. Hope was high after 2013, that was the hell of it all.
Final Stats: 12-9-13, 49 points, 5th in the West; 61 gf, 52 ga

Timbers: A MLS Defenders Shopping List

Psst...give Portland Michael Parkhurst.

The whole thing with Heath Pearce shipping off to Sweden reignited a personal obsession with adding defensive depth to the Portland Timbers. Yeah, yeah, it's too late now, there's no evidence that Portland made the effort, no way of knowing whether the front office would have been willing to eat Pearce's $100K guaranteed salary, etc.

Still, Pearce perfectly fits the mold for what the Timbers need at the back: reliable, experienced on both club and country level, and, most crucially, versatile. He could have given solid cover, or even solid starting minutes, across the back-line. This isn't even his first trip to Scandinavia for crissakes. So, the man hated Orlando. Or maybe he hated MLS. In any case, that bird has flown (Note/Confession: being unfamiliar with the English use of "bird," it took me a number of years to fully understand The Beatles’ Norwegian Wood.)

Even with Pearce gone, Major League Soccer clubs have plenty of defensive talent that could be had...for a price. This is tricky because there are some players the Timbers just couldn't get. To give on example, Columbus Crew SC would never give up Michael Parkhurst, because he's too central to their system and formation. And I say that knowing that I'm talking about giving up a lot, as in Parkhurst value. You'll see. With that in mind, this post concludes with a list of defenders on the current rosters of other clubs in MLS, players I'd be happy to see in Timbers Green, or Red, according to the occasion. Most, if not all of them, are central defenders, for that is Portland's greatest need...though I do slip in one wild hair.

All that brings up the obvious question: what would I give for one of these players? For starters, after last season's Defensive Collapse Performance Art series, I'm willing to pay. On the other hand, I'd haggle properly, start low(er than I think - dang) with allocation spots (#6? That's it?), and maybe future draft picks (once I figure out how those work). If it comes to it – and, face it, it would - I have a couple players in mind who bring enough sweet, sweet value to close a deal. It’ll hurt, but one doesn’t get value without giving it. Now the hard part: naming the players.

I've already confessed that I'd give up Darlington Nagbe (even if he's now ready to lead...uh, the only place the word "lead" appears in that article is in the title; wtf?), but here are the rest:

Rodney Wallace
Gaston Fernandez

OK. Short list. I can think of other players – Ben Zemanski, maybe Jack Jewsbury – but that would force the Timbers to bundle in something else, on top of the player and that's pushing into Portland giving up too much. So, that's that...just let me state for the record that, if the Timbers shipped Nagbe or Wallace, they damn-skippy better get something jiffy in return!

OK, with terms and ground rules out of the way, here's the list of defenders. They guys with asterisks beside their name are guys I'd demand in exchange for either Nagbe or Wallace:

Drew Moor (Colorado; risk the injury? Hell, yes.)
Shane O'Neill (Colorado)*
Tyson Wahl (Columbus Crew)
Bobby Boswell (DC United)*
Stephen Keel (FC Dallas)
Zach Lloyd (FC Dallas)(tough get, but he's most Pearce-like)*
Walker Zimmerman (FC Dallas)
Kofi Sarkodie (Houston)(I'd swap a full-back here; say, Villafana)
Jermaine Taylor (Houston)
Tommy Meyer (LA Galaxy)
Hassoun Camara (Montreal)
Jason Hernandez (NYCFC)
Amobi Okugo (Orlando)*
Ethan White (Philadelphia)
Clarence Goodson (another tough get)(San Jose)*
Jalil Anibaba (Sporting KC)

Think that’s everyone. Feel free to agree, disagree or add more names. Comments should work.