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| Or something that is neither a quonset hut nor a strip mall. |
Last weekend, I put Five Questions to the Portland Timbers
as a way of putting down my marker on where they are as they head into what has
to be the fattest season in Major League Soccer history (i.e., the most milk
and honey bless’d). Today, I’m going to take my best, 2/3-sighted shot at
filling in the blanks for the rest of MLS. And I’ll get to that fraction…
Over the last couple nights (slowin’ down…gas), I picked
through The Mothership’s (aka, mlssoccer.com’s) one-stop strip mall for season
previews - a metaphor I feel is, frankly, beyond apt. Goddamn hacks barely keep
up the website anymore, never mind do full-service…
…I’m kidding: given where my head is, I'm happy to have a quicker
(cursory) tour around all…fuck, I’ll count after, every team in MLS that
touches base on how they’re all shaping up for the 2018 regular season. (Did
they…know that?) For the record, I have been picking at MLS news since the
beginning of February, and that gives me some context for what I see in the
preview “blurbs” that feature in MLS’s Tour de League season preview - or what I'm calling the MLS Strip-Mall Season Preview. Which means you should see this post as a quonset hut built on the side. That said
- now we’re getting to the 2/3 thing - while I couldn’t land on a fraction that
felt good, 1/2 felt too low, and 3/4 way too fucking high, so, I settled on
claiming that I know some amount of stuff about 2/3 of the…let’s call it “broader
situations identified” in all those previews. By which I mean, I have some
genuine sense of 2/3 of the players just by seeing their names, because I’ve
seen him enough to have an opinion; the same goes for coaches, trends, and the
basic history of most teams.
With that, all I’m going to do is use the MLS Strip-Mall Season Preview as a platform to roughly comment on where all…of MLS’s teams are
heading into 2018 (swear I’ll count it by the end). You can judge for yourself
whether my knowledge base presents as 1/2, 2/3 or 3/4 knowledgeable. I don’t do
predictions - they’re not my style (and I’m bad at them) - so this is mostly about
strengths, gaps, weaknesses, quirks, etc. All the links down below go to the “depth
charts” MLS posted for each club. Finally, I have no goddamn
idea how any team but the Timbers did in preseason. I’ve been told that doesn’t matter enough times that I've decided to internalize it.
Whoops. One more thing. On the way to finding that link
above, I visited The Mothership, only to find a pile-up of fresh acquisitions. I
can’t vouch for whether MLS interns got those into the depth charts, but still
think most of the opinions voiced below will hold up. About 2/3 of the time.
Also, this won’t take long. Probably. Just a thought or two.
Oh, and I actively encourage thoughtful comments. Just don’t
be an aggro twit about any of it.
Full disclosure: I think this team mixes ugly and exciting
in equal parts, so assume bias. Matt Doyle’s review talks about the loss of Carlos
Carmona, but, between age (Jeff Larentowicz and Michael Parkhurst) and meh
(Leandro Gonzalez Pirez), that’s a thin defense. Also, Atlanta fans will know
the frustration of having the best player in the league on neither end of the field
(Darlington Nagbe….I’m not over it).
So long as Aleksandar Katai even somewhat replaces David
Accam (say, 2/3), that won’t be the talking point. By way of simple contrast, I
like their defense better than Atlanta’s, and I think they’ve got a talented
midfield, plus one helluva striker (Nemanja Nikolic), which only leaves Bastian
Schweinsteiger’s age/availability, and creative shortages. I saw two “attackers”
picked up, but…
When you sucked like Colorado did last season, seeing
Mohammed Said as your “Key Loss” speaks volumes. In the Rapids’ defense, I know
the teeniest of dick about their new acquisitions; moreover, they have good
pieces and I think their defense is mostly figured out. So, same old story: how
to field a threatening attack…those forwards...
This team lost a few pieces. Politely. Without measuring
precisely how much offense went through Justin Meram and Ola Kamara, I’ll just
suggest it felt like a lot. They’re gone and this team’s “Key Addition” is
Milton Valenzuela, a left back. Still, good spine, maybe keeping the old dude (Federico
Higuain) to run the show will bite ‘em. Also, Gyasi Zardes. Just that.
More Disclosure: I see DC as MLS’s “Moneyball” club and,
yes, I find that charming and probably want them to succeed more than I should.
So, biased? Yeah, probably. Unless they picked up game-breakers in Ulises
Segura, Zoltan Stieber, or Junior Moreno, this team has very good talent all over,
but not great talent anywhere. How they play (e.g., with or without magic)
feels like the key.
I’ll be blunt. This team could very well be cursed. Maybe it’s
Oscar Pareja, I don’t know. What I do believe, however, is that Dallas has
players in literally every position that other teams in the league would
gladly take. And yet they missed the 2017 playoffs. I dunno. When did Paxton
Pomykal show up? And does that name work out to any kind of demonic anagram?
Ben Baer pegs the Dynamo at 10th in the league. I don’t get
that. I’m still high on the Honduran Air Force (Romell Quioto and Alberth Elis;
dumb nickname, just see them as wingers, so…), but most of the parts that
actually worked for them last year stuck around. And if their new kid
(Alejandro Fuenmayor) pans out, that is a solid back line. I bet that buys ‘em
better than 10th.
I don’t know enough about their high-profile internationals (Carlos
Vela and Diego Rossi) to comment on them, but, one of the key things I
know about their reliable talent is their age. I've seen the thinness of their roster commented on that more than anything. And yet, unlike wine…I’m just saying
there’s an expiration that could come too soon for too many of their players.
When they fill in the blanks - because they have to - we’ll see what they can
do.
Just to note it, until I see LAFC as anything but fragile, I’ll
hate LA more than any team in MLS. Again, announcing my biases. MLS Lifer. At
any rate, that midfield is nuts, and in several good ways. I don’t know shit about
their new defenders, but if this team gets solid on defense, the last piece is
sorting out their attack. Which scored 45 goals last season. When it was "a
mess." Crap.
They didn’t upgrade in
the off-season, and I have no words. I don’t think anything else matters right now. I could be
behind, but…man, I’d be mightily ‘grieved (or just accepting my fate) if I were
a Loons fan. (Honestly, it’s the latter, the one about fate. I’ll watch whatever you put in front
of me…total slut.)
Here’s where I make a naked appeal to history: Montreal is
MLS’s “freak” team. Accuracy be damned, I view them as the team most likely to
suffer a blowout loss and to pile on a back-breaking loss - and sometimes in the same week. On a detail level, and for the season ahead, I’d call their right wing crazy fast, but the whole set-up besides feels like a crap-shoot, only with Ignacio
Piatti weighting the dice.
This feels like a bet on fresh ideas making good from on a heretofore inexplicably shitty, but talented roster. I guess
Dallas lends an analogy in that the rest of MLS would happily pluck this squad
apart like a cluster of swollen grapes, and yet somehow they still suck. I see a new
name or two (e.g., Cristian Penilla or…Wilfried Zahibo(?)), but new coaching,
however it pans out, feels like it’ll define this team’s season.
I don’t know anything about their new acquisitions (Jesus
Medina…and that defender I’ve never heard of…college kid?), but these guys beat
the entire Western Conference on every level - including entertainment. I’ve
been told they’re better - even after Jack Harrison bolting - and their track
record gives me reason to believe it.
Another team that charms me (sucker for the old school), I’m
both thrilled and terrified to see them bring in so much youth. Maybe this Kaku
guy is Brazilian Second Division Jesus (and therefore MLS top flight), but trading
your attacking brain (Sacha Kljestan) the year after you trade your second
Stegosaurus brain (uh, that’s Dax McCarty) has this semi-direct line to my
theories of constant experimentation in way that questions the entire premise
of my thinking existence. Which I accept. (Whatever that means. And is this what selling patent
medicine feels like?)
Most interesting team in MLS this season, hands down. Their defense
looks (literally, um?) thin, but they went “this-year-or-bust” on MLS-prime game-changing
talent (e.g., Sacha Kljestan and Justin Meram). If you want fun with stakes, if
Jason Kreis can’t make this team deliver in two years, his legend…no, his
reputation will die. In terms of MLS history…well, that’s some shit.
If you compare Philly’s roster posture (e.g., heavy on
central defenders) to the rest of MLS, well, that’s something to think about. If you start by assuming Philly didn’t lose more than they gained through David Accam, the questions get
weird. For instance, what if Ilsinho (not the youngest) is totally unproductive
next season? Also, as pointed out by the Strip-Mall Preview, if none of those
youngsters pan out, the Union have one hell of a dilemma ahead. This would be the best and worst club in MLS to support....a limitless supply of problems...my blue heaven...
I’d rate Portland with NYCFC: a competitive team that could turn
contender via anything from a fresh coaching insight to one of the new guys
paying off. Like any team, Portland could go down the toilet (it’s even years,
right?), but I can’t see it. They should make the playoffs; it’s what
happens between after…and during the Shield run...can they make a shield run? (Bets?)
Same as the past few years: a lot of young, varying-degree-of-frustrating talent
surrounding a handful of players getting so near the end that you worry the
wrong tackle might end their effective life (looking at you Kyle Beckerman…also,
big fan!). As noted by virtually everyone, they finished last year strong, but
I’ll still see them as a potential soft-spot in any schedule till they prove
otherwise.
MLS’ Strip-Mall feature talks up what the freshly-arrived
Swedes can do (Swedes always arrive fresh), but I think this season will turn
on the level some second-, third-year ‘Quakes (mostly thinking Jahmir Hyka and
Danny Hoesens do) reach, but I see enough new names on that roster to approach
this team with humility…and I say that knowing how much I like kicking these
guys.
I hate their “mid-season” acquisition strategy. It’s
annoying and “techie-disruptive” in that maddening way that’s effective and, at
the same time, pointless because it doesn’t make anyone’s life feel better or
more satisfying. Just…fucking dicks. Also, they feel old all over. They’ll find
a way to be annoying. And reasonably successful. Because God created evil.
When faced with the question of whether speed and aggression
might not be sufficient to win another trophy, SKC doubled-down on both. This
is the middle-aged dad of MLS soccer clubs: just buy the sports car and
everything will be fine. They’ll be equal parts good and artless. Or just SKC.
This is the best team in MLS, even as it’s racing against
time in multiple positions. And I had trouble with the order of that sentence,
so reverse it and see how you feel, then get back to yourself. They’ll be a
force, but I’d be shocked to see them in a third consecutive MLS Cup. And I’ll
do something nasty if they win Supporters’ Shield again. Seriously, pin me down
early and (within reason), I’ll do it. We’re talking Fear Factor level, just no
horse semen.
I hate this team. More than Seattle. For what it’s worth,
they possess the one quality I can’t forgive: they’re ugly. Long ball, etc.
Whatever they do, I hope it ends early.
Well, why not end on a raw insult. Who doesn’t say, “Fuck
you!” as they see the guests who overstayed their welcome after New Year’s Eve?
So, those are my notes on MLS. We’ll see how they pan out.
And, frankly, that’s what actually interests me in all the above: it’s
precisely all the places where I'm wrong that make all this worth watching.
Who doesn’t like a good surprise?
Except with Portland. Fly like the Golden Eagle, you
bastards. Or, swear to god, I’ll complain. And keep giving you money and
attention.
You’ve been warned, you bastards.
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