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| So fucking hot. Like the Rockettes... |
A couple things...
First, I’ve decided (tentatively; always tentatively) to return to the Review/Preview formula I’ve used off and on since...2021(?). The broad concept is to very briefly review the action from the prior weekend – and that’s mostly because I’ll be posting on Wednesdays, i.e., well after the rest of you have already read and watched a whole bunch of other shit – and then look forward to the match-ups for the week ahead. The point of the exercise is less to tell you what’s what - I mean, I barely use analytics - than to talk about why this or that match up for the upcoming [MLS Week ___] looks like the bee’s sexy knees among a crowd of bee’s knees.
The review portion will be headlined by a Game of the Week and, if all goes right, that will be one of the games I noted in the prior week’s Review/Preview. And if that doesn’t make sense, it will soon, trust me, I swear to all the gods high, low and venal, etc.
Now, the bigger change.
People who find these posts via twitter already know that I didn't take MLS HQ’s nu, improved playoff format...well, and that included a brief panic over how I’d keep the love alive through 34 more or less meaningless games.
The good news: I came up with a coping mechanism!
The bad news: It will satisfy no one and nothing besides my yen to keep the viewing fresh.
The plan (so far): I’m going to watch and write about the first five games for the Portland Timbers (schedule) and FC Cincinnati (schedule), the two teams I always follow. That’ll change with the first match in April when I (tentatively) plan on watching every other Portland and Cincinnati game. I'll keep to that schedule until...call it August 30, for now, i.e., the end-run, i.e., my best guess at the time things will actually get interesting for both of them. On the weekends I’m not watching those two teams, I’ll be tuning in and writing about two games featuring entirely different teams. I’ll choose based on trends, curiosity about a player, or maybe something truly freakish like a Chicago Fire FC winning streak. I’ve spend more time on either teams for the past five, six years, so why not take advantage of the AppleTV thing and a six to seven months’ worth of meaningless games?
First, I’ve decided (tentatively; always tentatively) to return to the Review/Preview formula I’ve used off and on since...2021(?). The broad concept is to very briefly review the action from the prior weekend – and that’s mostly because I’ll be posting on Wednesdays, i.e., well after the rest of you have already read and watched a whole bunch of other shit – and then look forward to the match-ups for the week ahead. The point of the exercise is less to tell you what’s what - I mean, I barely use analytics - than to talk about why this or that match up for the upcoming [MLS Week ___] looks like the bee’s sexy knees among a crowd of bee’s knees.
The review portion will be headlined by a Game of the Week and, if all goes right, that will be one of the games I noted in the prior week’s Review/Preview. And if that doesn’t make sense, it will soon, trust me, I swear to all the gods high, low and venal, etc.
Now, the bigger change.
People who find these posts via twitter already know that I didn't take MLS HQ’s nu, improved playoff format...well, and that included a brief panic over how I’d keep the love alive through 34 more or less meaningless games.
The good news: I came up with a coping mechanism!
The bad news: It will satisfy no one and nothing besides my yen to keep the viewing fresh.
The plan (so far): I’m going to watch and write about the first five games for the Portland Timbers (schedule) and FC Cincinnati (schedule), the two teams I always follow. That’ll change with the first match in April when I (tentatively) plan on watching every other Portland and Cincinnati game. I'll keep to that schedule until...call it August 30, for now, i.e., the end-run, i.e., my best guess at the time things will actually get interesting for both of them. On the weekends I’m not watching those two teams, I’ll be tuning in and writing about two games featuring entirely different teams. I’ll choose based on trends, curiosity about a player, or maybe something truly freakish like a Chicago Fire FC winning streak. I’ve spend more time on either teams for the past five, six years, so why not take advantage of the AppleTV thing and a six to seven months’ worth of meaningless games?
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| Iconic. |
In other words, this will be a season of swinging. What I’m trying to say is Dot and I are swingers, as in to swing. What I’m a talking about? I’m talking about wife-swapping, just with teams.
Moving on, Major League Soccer’s 2023 season kicks off this Saturday, so there’s nothing to review this week. That doesn’t mean I don’t have expectations – see the Eastern Conference/FC Cincinnati preview and the Western Conference/Portland Timbers preview posted earlier this week – and those provide the source material for the assumptions about which games will matter most in a week (e.g., MLS Week 1) that literally doesn’t matter at all.
This is what we have to work with people, so let's put on a big smile (I said fucking smile! Like you're playing with puppies!), and dig into the weekend’s action, starting with...
The Conifers & Citrus Official Marquee Match-Ups
Atlanta United FC v San Jose Earthquakes
A game featuring two sleepers, one from each conference and both dying to rather dramatically yell, “Father...The Sleeper has awakened!” I don’t have money on either team – and, regardless of whether I can adequately explain it, I don’t see either becoming their fullest and bestest selves until May(?) – but I get the sense people see San Jose as a sleeper for sure, and maybe even Atlanta.
Charlotte FC v New England Revolution
As implied in the Eastern Conference, I suspect New England might have solved some problems during the offseason. Charlotte away strikes me as a good place for one man to declaim, “I, Bruce Arena, have figured out some shit.” With Charlotte no doubt anxious to do the same, I figure this one could go down as either Charlotte announcing its arrival or the Revs announcing their revival.
Orlando City SC v Red Bull New York
Due to where I placed them in the Eastern Conference pantheon (high; and did I get carried away?), this one’s my personal pick of the week...so watch the fucker end in a suffocating draw. The reason for that: games between actual contenders boils down to picking up three points in tough circumstances – i.e., the building blocks of a good team (if in a league that doesn’t pass nine goddamn teams into the playoffs).
The Rest & Why They Don’t Make the Marquee
Philadelphia Union v Columbus Crew SC
I’m trying to go into 2023 without thinking of Philly as a bored giant flicking off flies – and a Columbus win would set that tone nicely. Columbus, meanwhile, probably aches to start the season off right, seeing they’re a team that invested heavily, both on the field and the building around it, but who also missed the 2022 playoffs (not to mention two of the three before that). And yet I don’t see any possible result changing anybody’s mind about either of them, so it’s down here.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Real Salt Lake
Per the Western Conference preview, I have fairly high expectations for both teams – which, here, means I expect the latter to make the playoffs and expect the former to compete for them. [Ed. – And now I expect both to make it outright, because the shame.] So, why isn’t this a marquee game? Because I think both teams will take some time to take shape.
Nashville SC v New York City FC
Expecting dull, expecting borderline sadistic fulfillment of said expectation. Part of me thinks Nashville is either doomed or blessed to walk a certain path, but I very much doubt NYCFC will start and end the season as the same team, so why give them much thought early?
FC Cincinnati v Houston Dynamo FC
Because Houston’s the team with the rebuild, I see them as the team with the most to prove. Sadly, away to what virtually everyone sees as a strong team, and one that plays in the opposite conference, feels like a crap place to show off a rebuild. I’m expecting a Cincy win (and, if they don’t get it...eh, they have 33 more shots at getting it right....fucking Don Garber, fucking Chris Klein, fucking Merritt Paulson), but suspect Houston will need to put together a string of results before they change anyone’s mind.
Inter Miami CF v Club de Foot Montreal
At most, I can see Montreal hoping to wade into...whatever the fuck Miami calls its homefield (ah, DRV PNK Stadium) with a contender’s swagger, but I’m about 75% deep into wait-and-see on both teams – Montreal, in particular, because I’ve got no idea on how the Hernan Losada era will go.
Los Angeles Galaxy v Los Angeles FC
The game The Man wants all of us to hype, but nearly everything I can think of points toward an unusually large crowd for a de-pantsing of the “home” team. Related, I don’t like most neutral-venue games because they take things out of their natural state. Just...nah.
Moving on, Major League Soccer’s 2023 season kicks off this Saturday, so there’s nothing to review this week. That doesn’t mean I don’t have expectations – see the Eastern Conference/FC Cincinnati preview and the Western Conference/Portland Timbers preview posted earlier this week – and those provide the source material for the assumptions about which games will matter most in a week (e.g., MLS Week 1) that literally doesn’t matter at all.
This is what we have to work with people, so let's put on a big smile (I said fucking smile! Like you're playing with puppies!), and dig into the weekend’s action, starting with...
The Conifers & Citrus Official Marquee Match-Ups
Atlanta United FC v San Jose Earthquakes
A game featuring two sleepers, one from each conference and both dying to rather dramatically yell, “Father...The Sleeper has awakened!” I don’t have money on either team – and, regardless of whether I can adequately explain it, I don’t see either becoming their fullest and bestest selves until May(?) – but I get the sense people see San Jose as a sleeper for sure, and maybe even Atlanta.
Charlotte FC v New England Revolution
As implied in the Eastern Conference, I suspect New England might have solved some problems during the offseason. Charlotte away strikes me as a good place for one man to declaim, “I, Bruce Arena, have figured out some shit.” With Charlotte no doubt anxious to do the same, I figure this one could go down as either Charlotte announcing its arrival or the Revs announcing their revival.
Orlando City SC v Red Bull New York
Due to where I placed them in the Eastern Conference pantheon (high; and did I get carried away?), this one’s my personal pick of the week...so watch the fucker end in a suffocating draw. The reason for that: games between actual contenders boils down to picking up three points in tough circumstances – i.e., the building blocks of a good team (if in a league that doesn’t pass nine goddamn teams into the playoffs).
The Rest & Why They Don’t Make the Marquee
Philadelphia Union v Columbus Crew SC
I’m trying to go into 2023 without thinking of Philly as a bored giant flicking off flies – and a Columbus win would set that tone nicely. Columbus, meanwhile, probably aches to start the season off right, seeing they’re a team that invested heavily, both on the field and the building around it, but who also missed the 2022 playoffs (not to mention two of the three before that). And yet I don’t see any possible result changing anybody’s mind about either of them, so it’s down here.
Vancouver Whitecaps v Real Salt Lake
Per the Western Conference preview, I have fairly high expectations for both teams – which, here, means I expect the latter to make the playoffs and expect the former to compete for them. [Ed. – And now I expect both to make it outright, because the shame.] So, why isn’t this a marquee game? Because I think both teams will take some time to take shape.
Nashville SC v New York City FC
Expecting dull, expecting borderline sadistic fulfillment of said expectation. Part of me thinks Nashville is either doomed or blessed to walk a certain path, but I very much doubt NYCFC will start and end the season as the same team, so why give them much thought early?
FC Cincinnati v Houston Dynamo FC
Because Houston’s the team with the rebuild, I see them as the team with the most to prove. Sadly, away to what virtually everyone sees as a strong team, and one that plays in the opposite conference, feels like a crap place to show off a rebuild. I’m expecting a Cincy win (and, if they don’t get it...eh, they have 33 more shots at getting it right....fucking Don Garber, fucking Chris Klein, fucking Merritt Paulson), but suspect Houston will need to put together a string of results before they change anyone’s mind.
Inter Miami CF v Club de Foot Montreal
At most, I can see Montreal hoping to wade into...whatever the fuck Miami calls its homefield (ah, DRV PNK Stadium) with a contender’s swagger, but I’m about 75% deep into wait-and-see on both teams – Montreal, in particular, because I’ve got no idea on how the Hernan Losada era will go.
Los Angeles Galaxy v Los Angeles FC
The game The Man wants all of us to hype, but nearly everything I can think of points toward an unusually large crowd for a de-pantsing of the “home” team. Related, I don’t like most neutral-venue games because they take things out of their natural state. Just...nah.
Portland Timbers v Sporting Kansas City
SKC should be able to field more of its ideal starting XI than Portland, but Portland should have some decent confidence right now, what with that hot-shit preseason. I’ll be both watching this one regardless, so hype doesn’t need to make a cameo. The one thing I will say: I can’t imagine SKC didn’t have a headful of last season’s 2-7 loss in KC when they landed at PDX.
Seattle Sounders v Colorado Rapids
If some narrative existed beyond “the home team should win,” I’d care more about what happens here. But between Seattle hosting and the 100th case of “I think there’s too much flux around both teams for this one to matter yet,” this one will go do down as three points gained for one team or two points lost for both.
Austin FC v St. Louis CITY(!!!) FC (ah, the "!!!" will never get old...)
I doubt anyone will read anything into any possible result. Seriously. Austin should win, of course, but all kinds of things happen on a team’s very first time. And what base is holding hands? Or is it just the batter’s deck?
FC Dallas v Minnesota United FC
Highly as I rate/overrate Dallas, I don’t expect them to be on song yet. But I do fully expect this game to be dull as suffocating shit.
DC United v Toronto FC
Low stakes AF till further notice. Both of these teams have so, so very much to prove.
And that’s it for this one. In future additions, not to mention of keeping these short, I’m only going to add narratives for the Conifers & Citrus Official Marquee Match-ups. The others I’ll just acknowledge. And don’t expect a ton of verbiage for the notes on the featured game either; the goal is to keep these posts both loose and short. We’ll see how that goes and, see you next Wednesday.
SKC should be able to field more of its ideal starting XI than Portland, but Portland should have some decent confidence right now, what with that hot-shit preseason. I’ll be both watching this one regardless, so hype doesn’t need to make a cameo. The one thing I will say: I can’t imagine SKC didn’t have a headful of last season’s 2-7 loss in KC when they landed at PDX.
Seattle Sounders v Colorado Rapids
If some narrative existed beyond “the home team should win,” I’d care more about what happens here. But between Seattle hosting and the 100th case of “I think there’s too much flux around both teams for this one to matter yet,” this one will go do down as three points gained for one team or two points lost for both.
Austin FC v St. Louis CITY(!!!) FC (ah, the "!!!" will never get old...)
I doubt anyone will read anything into any possible result. Seriously. Austin should win, of course, but all kinds of things happen on a team’s very first time. And what base is holding hands? Or is it just the batter’s deck?
FC Dallas v Minnesota United FC
Highly as I rate/overrate Dallas, I don’t expect them to be on song yet. But I do fully expect this game to be dull as suffocating shit.
DC United v Toronto FC
Low stakes AF till further notice. Both of these teams have so, so very much to prove.
And that’s it for this one. In future additions, not to mention of keeping these short, I’m only going to add narratives for the Conifers & Citrus Official Marquee Match-ups. The others I’ll just acknowledge. And don’t expect a ton of verbiage for the notes on the featured game either; the goal is to keep these posts both loose and short. We’ll see how that goes and, see you next Wednesday.
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