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| Think many kids have played Orphan Annie. Is that dog real? |
The post ends with a scale I came up with to measure the long-term success of every team in Major League Soccer. It does some things well (e.g., count trophies/achievements), other things less well (capture recent trends). It's called the Joint Points Scale and you can find a link that explains what it does. I was really stoned when I came up with the scale and wrote the post. Caveat lector. With that...
Thumbnail History
Extremes characterize the early history of the San Jose Earthquakes, and most of the rest is tragedy. They also have a real shout as MLS’s most tortured franchise, but to start at the beginning…
They started as the San Jose Clash and started poorly. After making the playoffs in the league’s inaugural season (1996), the team missed them over the next four, three as the San Jose Clash (1997-1999), then one more as the San Jose Earthquakes (2000); as if to prove that rebranding doesn’t equal rebirth, they picked up a Wooden Spoon under both names (1997 and 2000). San Jose flipped the script one thin season later - and how. It started with the hiring of MLS Frank Yallop as head coach and only got better when U.S.-wunderkind, Landon Donovan, returned to the States after a frustrated stint with Germany’s Bayer Leverkusen. With a reliable spine of Joe Cannon in goal, Jimmy Conrad in central defense and Richard Mulrooney rage-tackling in front of them, Yallop filled out the roster with young players who would dominate mid-2000s MLS – e.g., Canadian great Dwayne DeRosario and hard-nosed center back Eddie Robinson, wily veterans like former DC United fullback Jeff Agoos and nifty Danish import Ronnie Ekelund. With that fresh start, San Jose threw down 2000’s Wooden Spoon and grabbed MLS Cup 2001. Another strong recruitment class – e.g., future MLS stalwarts like Ryan Cochrane (defender), Brian Mullan (midfielder), and Brian Ching (forward, for both club and country) – plus some crafty poaching - e.g., long-time midfield anchor Ricardo Clark – not only carried them to their second, and last, MLS Cup in 2003, but carried them to the 2005 Supporters’ Shield. They did that despite Donovan’s (controversial) departure to the LA Galaxy and losing key players like Ekelund and Agoos. Then, and pretty much out of the blue, the team fucked off to Houston, Texas.
One more respectable moment (see below, 2010) and one great season aside, San Jose has mostly suffered since re-joining MLS. Before wallowing in misery, I want to spare a moment and a smile for the ‘Quakes fantastic, and broadly loathed, 2012 team. Lead by the two hulking “physical” (i.e., borderline violent) forwards, Alan Gordon and (especially) Steven Lenhart – aka, the Bash Brothers (this short bio on them is a masterpiece, btw) – San Jose literally brawled its way to the 2012 Supporters’ Shield. Backed by a banner season by Jon Busch in goal and Honduran central defender Victor Bernandez, all the ‘Quakes had to do was keep the goals out and have “Gordo” and “Lenny” knock down everyone, everything, and get the ball to the long-time, all-time leading scorer in MLS history, Chris Wondolowski, who had a crazy 2012 season (27 goals, seven assists) and who also seems likely to hold that crown...shit, maybe forever. They scored 13 more goals that season than the next nearest team, heads and shoulders above the rest...and an appearance in the 2014 CONCACAF quarterfinals aside, that’s probably the last happy memory San Jose fans have. They’ve either squeaked in as a wild card (three times) or missed the playoffs entirely (ten times) every season since. The Wooden Spoon spanked them twice over that same period - the first in 2018, then 2024, giving them five all-time (tied with DC!). The truly wild thing? The ‘Quakes got 103 goals out Wondoloski from 2013-2021. I mean, how bad was everyone else?
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| "No, I do hear you, but it was the defense." |
To choose a loaded metaphor for the times, the ‘Quakes played the role of the reckless strivers of the lower-middle class of MLS’s Western Conference in 2025. They tied for ninth with Colorado and (curses!) RSL, losing out to the latter on the games-won tiebreaker. With the attack performing just fine – e.g., 14 goals and two assists for Josef Martinez, 13 goals and seven assists for Cristian Arango, four goals and 12 assists for Cristian Espinoza; hell Preston Judd chipped in two helpers on top of seven goals - the cause of death was clear, aka, the defense. A shaky home record made matters worse – the ‘Quakes dropped 19 points from a perfect 51 available (5-6-6=bad) – as it made the vulnerable regardless of venue. Injuries/general unavailability hints at another issue: Daniel Munie (CB, right?) played under 2,000 minutes all season and he was San Jose’s 7th-most present players (Daniel, their ‘keeper was 4th, fwiw). I don’t know San Jose’s roster/lineups well enough to get on a soapbox about this, but I see limited minutes for every midfielder I know not named Beau Leroux (2,115) and Ian Harkes (2,158; Mark-Antony Kaye, who has given clear hints of being past it, had played only 1,004) and the creative wattage of that bunch doesn’t glow so bright. It could be worse, of course; at least San Jose fans had fun in 2025: the ‘Quakes failed to score on just five occasions last season and scored more than one goal 50% of the time…something that might not be at all unusual, but fuck it.
Long-Term Tendencies v Recent Trends
In their glory years – which, here, means 2001 to 2005 – San Jose rode a solid defense to the clutch of Cups and Shield noted above, and they probably only had one real “freak” season when they won the Shield in 2005. When I say the Bash Brothers lead them to the 2012 Shield, that wasn’t an exaggeration: they fielded an average defense that season, which made going wildly over a necessity. Pulling those six seasons out of the sample gets to the ‘Quakes actual pattern of a succession of soft, low-scoring teams that got kicked around by, if not all comers, then by most of them. The big counter-factual in all the above is what might have been had that original, demonstrably good team not fucked off the Houston. One can answer that several ways, I’m sure, but missing the 2006-07 season and losing all that continuity had to have been a blow that even the longest outdoor bar in MLS, if not the country, could not soothe, never mind repair. On a deeper level, San Jose hasn’t fielded consistently competent defenses since a wee run over the 2013-2016 seasons, if with a little bump of success in 2023. Outside that, they’ve been over the average on goals allowed in every season since 2017 and well over (e.g., seven goals plus, sometimes plus-plus) in seven of them. Overcoming that requires an over-performing offense and it bears noting that nine goals over the league average wasn’t enough to get them into the playoffs in 2025.
Players I Still Like/Additions So Far
Bruce Arena & Sons found some surprising places when it came to cleaning house this offseason: declining Martinez’s option didn’t throw me much, but letting Espinoza – aka, a recent talisman to the extent this team has one – slip away to a Nashville team I expect him to help quite a bit, well, that threw me a body-length or two. The rest of departees I recognize – e.g., Kaye, Rodrigues (who presented as danger-prone) and Bruno Wilson (defender; limited minutes) – make basic sense, but, even with a defense that let you down, that leaves some important decisions when it comes to backing up Munie and Dave “Ultimate Average Guy” Romney. That goes double given a midfield foundation that lost a man (Kaye) and missed a lot of minutes. On the could-be-big-but-also side, San Jose looks poised to wrap up the signing of Timo Werner, a former German international with 57 caps(!) and plenty of goals, but who also looks like, to strain another analogy, a collapsing house with “good bones.” “Not all injured players,” etc., but signing any player with a history of injuries is a gamble.
Historical Success(/Hysterical Failure)
Total Joy Points: -3 (to be clear, this is bad, i.e, among the worst)
How They Earned Them (& How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
Supporters’ Shield: 2005, 2012
MLS Cup: 2001, 2003
MLS Playoffs Semifinals: 2010
MLS Playoffs/Quarterfinals: 1996, 2002, 2004. 2005, 2012
Wooden Spoon: 1997, 2000, 2007, 2018, 2024
CCL Quarterfinals: 2014
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