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| This tracked as a bad omen when MLS launched. |
The post ends with a scale I came up with to measure the long-term success of every team in Major League Soccer. It does some things well (e.g., count trophies/achievements), other things less well (capture recent trends). It's called the Joint Points Scale and you can find a link that explains what it does. I was really stoned when I came up with the scale and wrote the post. Caveat lector. With that...
Thumbnail History
Born as the New York/New Jersey MetroStars (and with a logo inspired by, yet embarrassing on, the bottom of a skateboard), aka, Red Bull New York, aka, New Jersey’s finest soccer team, has always been a weird one – e.g., the first time they reached MLS Cup (2008), they made it on a run through MLS’s Western Conference. Despite later, praiseworthy successes (wait for it), few things have defined the MetroStars/Red Bull franchise like the once-famous saying, “that’s so Metro.” It gets more complicated from there…
Their Red Bull/energy-drink era started, both on and off the field, with the 2006 season and, setting aside second slap from the Wooden Spoon in 2009 (the first came in 1999), the deeper pockets and connections have moved the team in a…broadly positive direction. Playing in the nation’s biggest media market obliged them to swing bigger than most MLS teams when signing players, even before the rebrand, and they have signed some infamous egos…er, players including Rafa Marquez and Lothar Mattheus, plus another gaggle of high-profile signings who, for whatever reason, missed more than they hit – e.g., Youri Djorkaeff, but old heads remember famous U.S. internationals like Tab Ramos and Claudio Reyna. Going the other way, they have launched a dozen or so famous careers for domestic stars. One could build the short list a couple ways, but I’m going with Jozy Altidore, Michael “Coach’s Son” Bradley, Tim Howard, Tim Ream (still going, like the undead), Tyler Adams, and Luis Robles. Those bright shining stars laid the foundation for the big signings to finally pay off, and that combination allowed them to put together some of the most consistent teams in league history. Circling back to “that’s so Metro,” notice I used the word “consistent,” as opposed to successful. Their best seasons started with the signing of French legend Thierry Henry and continued with Bradley Wright-Phillips – notably, one of the two players, with Robles, who was present for the three Supporters’ Shields the Red Bulls won between 2013 and 2018; it was raining Shields (Hallelujah!) over New Jersey through the mid-2010s. All it took from there was landing the supporting cast, which the Austrian/Red Bull brain-trust did with aplomb by singing players like Tim Cahill, Dax McCarty, (too briefly) Sacha Kljestan, and even Joel Lindpere, Daniel Royer, even deeper cuts like Sean Davis. Perhaps most important in the formula: calling in a succession of rugged, successful defenders like Aaron Long, Tim Parker (for a minute), and Jeff Parke. Those players turned games the Red Bulls would have otherwise tied into wins, the golden formula in MLS, insofar as the league has one. And yet, for all that consistency and success, the Red Bulls have never won a cup final. No, not even the U.S. Open Cup (runners-up twice, the last attempt in 2017). All that has made the Red Bulls the team that MLS fans know today – i.e., the one that qualifies for the playoffs every season (until, um, recently; also, give or take recent “wild card” entries), but never wins it all. They came close, to be sure, in 2024…but, again, they didn’t win it.
2025, Briefly
Remember the 2009 Wooden Spoon, mentioned above? The Red Bulls qualified for the playoffs every season between that painful sting and 2025. Their invitation to playoffs came late some years, even to the point of looking opened and badly resealed three times over, but it still arrived. Like a couple recently-reviewed teams who tripped over the last hurdle…well, Red Bull finished 10 points below Orlando, the East’s last playoff team, so maybe not the last hurdle, but I digress, the Red Bulls struggled pitifully on the road: a 2-11-4 road record gave them a miserly 10 points of 51 available and that bit hard. As in past seasons, the defense did its bit, or most of it (four goals under league average), but the offense sputtered in a gently unexpected way. First, Forsberg stayed healthy for the whole goddamn regular season, minus one; moreover, the Red Bull brain trust paged Europe for Eric Maxim Choupo-Moting, who answered the call with 17 goals and five assists. Those two, between them, did enough of the job that it should have worked (Forsberg had 11 goals and 11 assists). After you throw Kyle Duncan five assists on the pile, and I say this with respect to Mohammed Sofo’s five goals, you hit a pretty long stretch of “fuck-all.” I’ve lost track of which seasons Red Bull relied on Lewis Morgan coming back from injury, so this may or may not have been one of them.
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| Hey. Most of us have been there, man. |
As noted above, the whole “energy-drink soccer” thing started when the energy-drink company bought them in 2006 – i.e., a high-pressing approach that demands they chase every ball, shut down every player north of the goalkeeper, and generally ugly things up. Redeeming all that darkness and negative energy takes attacking talent, something they had during those Shield seasons and something they have, generally, lacked since. They have scored over the league average for goals more often than not – until recently - and, ugly as it can be to watch, that system of calculated frustration has a long track record of keeping the opposition off the board. Suffice to say, the Red Bulls have not had since their glory seasons (2013-2015) – which is to say, yes, Red Bull owed the 2018 Shield more to defense than offense. That unfortunate trend continued and deepened in the seasons since: if you pull the 2019 and 2020 seasons out of the sample, they have fielded good/great/excellent defenses, only to have attacks top out at average and get worse from there. 2024 threatened to repeat that failure until the very, very end of the season – and saying they benefitted from the failures of others doesn’t do an injustice to anyone. Finally having their No. 10, Emil Forsberg, available for the final games of the season, as well as for every post-season game, revived the old formula well and long enough for them to make their second-ever run to an MLS Cup.
Players I Still Like/Additions So Far
Starting from the theory that Red Bull management failed to support its stars, and a little puzzled (but only a little) that they let go of Daniel Edelman (to St. Louis; click here, scroll down), while also being a little confused about declining Duncan’s options and fucking floored by them shipping Sean Nealis to DC…yeah, I have more questions than answers. I’d poll SKC fans before passing judgment on them signing Robert Voloder and, until further notice, Cade Cowell has “forever potential” written all over him. I got a little excited when I saw the name Nehuen Benedetti – who, to be fair, could be great and become better – but I’m dubious after seeing they parked him in Red Bull New York II on arrival last February. I assume Forsberg’s on for another season, Choupo-Moting proved age is just a number in 2025 and may yet do it again in 2026, and they still have Noah Elie, I have loose good vibes about the other Nealis (Dylan; he’s a fullback, right?), and Tim Parker’s back and he’ll always hand you his leg for a starting slot, etc. I’m guessing that “etc” has Red Bull fans worried. Wiki Carmona (never knew his full name was “Wikelman” until now), but the Red Bulls midfield machinery still feels misaligned and malfunctioning (sorry, fucking alliteration loop). At this point, I’d say they have more work ahead than foundation in place. Which, to be fair, feels like a common theme of the 2025 offseason.
Historical Success(/Hysterical Failure)
Total Joy Points: 39
How They Earned Them (& How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
Supporters’ Shield: 2013, 2015, 2018
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2008, 2024
MLS Playoffs Semifinals: 2000, 2014, 2015, 2018
MLS Playoffs: 1996, 1998, 2001, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2010, 2011, 2012, 2013, 2016, 2017
Wooden Spoon: 1999, 2009
CCL Semifinals: 2018
CCL Quarterfinals: 2017, 2019
U.S. Open Cup Runner-Up: 2003, 2017
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