Portland Timbers 1-3 Houston Dynamo FC: Not Even Remotely Fun for as Long as It Lasted

This, but with her stepping on his hand.

The worst thing about the Portland Timbers’ 2023 season comes with the way it let them surface and actually see the life-raft before cruel gods, Houston Dynamo FC, et al, shoved their heads back under.

That metaphor came to me disturbingly early in Portland’s whimpering 1-3 loss to Houston tonight. The Timbers fell out of the lifeboat early and they never much looked like getting back into it. Just defeat painted in lurid orange all over Providence Park. I couldn’t call them a good team, never mind the better one, because Houston had both boxes checked by the time they scored the opening goal.

A one goal loss would have hurt, sure, but this gets back to the opening metaphor. Houston took a weed-whacker to every green-shoot of either relief (e.g., the halftime whistle) or hope (e.g., Dairon Asprilla coming on 14 minutes too late to yank the ever-struggling Yimmi Chara) that held any promise of turning things around for a team that never shifted all the way out of baffled. That each act took the form as concrete and immovable as a goal (relive the pain; it’s for morale or solidarity, I can’t remember which anymore) felt like the hand pushing Portland back under once, then twice.

Oh, well. There goes that season…

Fun and great as it was that Miles Joseph got Portland to where they would make the playoffs with a win, that same middling level of achievement left them hanging from a ledge, from which any slip whatsoever (e.g., a single, yet total loss) meant missing those same playoffs. I painted pinks and other pastels over this season until the cans ran out – gods return my eyes, I talked myself into believing the defense wasn’t cold percolating dogshit – but one word writes the Portland Timbers’ 2023 into the history books: fragility. Here’s to hoping I can make that word stand up, walk around and impress the swells.

Portland Timbers 2-0 Los Angeles FC: A Step (Over What May Be a Corpse) in the Right Direction

Night, night, gram-gram.

Because this game wasn’t that complicated, and because I’m about to check out until the end of September, I’ll keep the game summary for the Portland Timbers comfy-cozy 2-0 win over Los Angeles FC short.

It opened with a long, barren period – see the xG graph because it gets things mostly right – which left the game open for one of those pivotal moments. LAFC’s ‘keeper, John McCarthy, delivered with a swing and a miss at an Evander corner. His bobble bounced in front of the goal until Larry Mabiala did the simple thing of running toward it and heading it into the goal. Gods only knew what would happen from there, but it looked like a long stretch of nothing at that point.

I saw some chatter about LAFC getting back into the game during the latter half of the first one, but the only evidence I saw was an intermittently effective press and a couple smart shots from the left channel to the right post. All that didn’t amount to much – and I’m not the only one to think that; the on-screen halftime stats had the Timbers up 1.6 to 0.09 on xG (no typo on that zero behind the decimal).

The game ended according to everything but the final whistle fairly early in the first half. Portland scored an insurance goal so nice they insured it twice (seriously, watch it again for Santiago Moreno’s tulle-soft back-heel to Claudio Bravo alone) and LAFC only got worse from there. The Timbers had at least two more chances to dig them a deeper hole – and that’s on top of three more where a team that needed to make something happen would have pushed harder to make it so – and the game just kind of petered out from there. I mean that in the best way, honestly: there are few things I appreciate more in soccer than watching a team kill off a game softly, and the Timbers did that tonight. On a physical level, it didn’t take much more than a soap opera villain seeing that ill-gotten inheritance by leaning a little harder into the pillow smothering grandma’s face.

Seattle Sounders 2-2 Portland Timbers: We'll Always Have the Laugh

[DRAMATIC MUSIC!]

I’m going to start this post with two observations brought to mind by too much time on social media and too many years of staring at some version of the same thing one week after another.

Fans should appreciate perfection when they see it, as opposed to expecting it from any player. Because that’s just the world/humanity works, we’re none of us, etc. This mind-set is one of several reasons why I can’t coach. (“Hey, sometimes you just fuck up. No biggie. Love you, man.”)

Once (most) people make up their mind on a given player, he/she is either the shit or total shit. Once they think he/she is bad, all they see are the mistakes and once they think he/she is good, it’s nothing but the good stuff. It’s damn closer to binary. Swear to God.

As for the game, the high-comedic 2-2 draw between the Seattle Sounders and the Portland Timbers up in the frosty climes of the Puget Sound, I have more questions than I have answers, by which I mean I have only one real answer: I’d say about 75% of the success the Sounders had over the first half followed from the way they nipped at Portland’s collective heels over 2/3 of the field. Once they lost that, courtesy of a second yellow to Seattle’s Leo Chu, all you had left was two teams a year or two removed from their best days fighting over scraps. Hyenas versus vultures, basically.

To acknowledge something, Seattle got screwed hard by that sending off. Chu picked up his first yellow for one of the most randomly puritanical rules of the modern game – e.g., the shirtless goal celebration (WHY IS THIS A THING?) – and his second for, I shit you not, getting the worst of running headlong into Portland’s Zac McGraw. It takes so, so very much for me to agree that a referee’s decision decided a game, but Jon Freemon (a referee I do not know) cut off Seattle’s clearest path to success with an excessively legalistic reading of the rules and....just a bad call.

Don't get me wrong: knowing how pissy and bewildered Seattle fans are this morning is just the best. And that is what will have to pass for satisfaction on a night when the Timbers more or less stalled in their attempt to make the 2023 playoffs. Now, some more detail...

Portland Timbers 1-2 Los Angeles FC: Acceptance

Fuck it.

May as well start where the game did – i.e., with the line-up the Portland Timbers chose to field in a, for them, semi-existential Sunday afternoon. They lined up the now-familiar back three, if with the personnel gently scrambled, and Juan Mosquera and Claudio Bravo on either side of Diego Chara and Cristhian Paredes in a four-man midfield. Mosquera and Bravo played as fully-modern fullbacks - dropping back to defend and running into the attack, as needed., etc. The slightest riff on the more of the same, in other words.

The real place of curiosity, at least for me, was the front line: Dairon Asprilla and Santiago Moreno on either side of Jaroslaw Niezgoda – or at least that’s how ESPN’s broadcast had it. Then again, I’m looking at the pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey version The Mothership posted as official line-up, and who really knows at this point? Assuming I have it right – i.e., Asprilla, Niezgoda and Moreno up top – the big question going in was whether that set of players knew how to handle and/or finish shot creation. Based on what I saw online, the reaction was equal parts underwhelmed and confused; “consternation” sums it up nicely.

As for me, I greeted the line-up with...all right. The broadcast team hepped me to a couple things I didn’t know – e.g., Eryk Williamson had a compromised hamstrung – but I didn’t mind it or could at least find some kind of logic to it. That assumed, however, that Timbers head coach, Giovanni Savarese, held the same thoughts in his head – e.g., that he would play a cautious first half, then trickle in game-changers like Eryk Williamson and Sebastian Blanco to salt away the big, playoff-clinching win. In short, it all made sense to me so long as Gio did certain things at certain times. For instance, get his game-changers into the game with enough time to find it.

Back in the game that happened – i.e., the Timbers 1-2 home loss to Los Angeles FC - Savarese didn’t introduce Yimmi Chara and Williamson until the 74th minute. I can’t say that cost them the game (I don’t do counterfactuals), but that doesn’t feel like enough time for most attacking players to get hold of a game. Yimmi’s special - 90 minutes may not be enough for him - but I would have liked to see another 10 minutes or more for Eryk; it’s not like Jaroslaw Niezgoda did much outside one shining moment early in the 2nd half, after all. Moreover, Eryk strikes me as the kind of player who needs some time to figure out who’s picking up what he’s dropping; Niezgoda’s seems the same, for what it's worth, but I gave up on seeing Gio put him anywhere besides the front line months ago.

Columbus Crew SC 1-1 Portland Timbers: Comedy Gold

My birthday came early this year!

Did the Portland Timbers deserve their late, late equalizer? No, they did not. But that also feels like the wrong question for the moment. So, try this:

Was it funny? Yes, yes it was. I’d sit through a three-hour insurance seminar with an hour devoted to "team-building" and a bologna sandwich and Kool-Aid for a lunch if you told me I could see sad Caleb Porter at the end of it.

Still, smart shot by Santiago Moreno. And, oh, the whimsy of the assist coming off Bill Tuiloma’s head! As for Columbus Crew SC: I’d pity them under literally every other circumstance, but when your team needs a point (and FC Cincinnati needs someone to trip up there rival) you harden your heart and point and laugh....still, you gotta wonder which god Columbus pissed off...

As I said when I sat down to a frog in a tray way back in junior high, there’s so little to dissect here. Columbus played the better game, just slower than they needed to. Despite what the calendar says, the game as a whole had a mid-August vibe. With few exceptions – and those will be noted below – the Timbers played the first half as if they didn’t even want the points and they didn’t raise their game all that much in the second. A great feed to an increasingly anonymous Yimmi Chara and a flurry of corner kicks aside (all around the 58th minute), Portland rarely got close enough to see Columbus’ goal, never mind threaten it.

In their defense, Columbus didn’t do much better. They came within a stray shoulder of scoring an insurance goal, of course, and Cucho Hernandez got loose a couple times, but, apart from "that magic moment" when Kevin Molino put them ahead, I think the xG does a swell job of translating that sleeper of a game into numbers. Again, that felt like nothing so much as sitting through a long, pointless movie that slips in a great joke right before the credits rolled.

And, because I don’t think we learned much of anything today, let’s just do talking points and get on with our day.

Portland Timbers 1-0 Minnesota United FC: Say, That Was Lucky. And Ugly.

A metaphor (I couldn't find a better image to represent)

I feel like this was one of those nights where I saw every misplaced foot in defense, every stumble (remember, that one time, when Dario Zuparic almost fell on his ass watching Mender Garcia dance?), every over-hit pass, every touch that sent a ball flopping like a trout jumping for a mosquito, and more standing around and contemplating what some other player could do.

If anything went well during that first half, I either didn’t see it or failed to record it. And listening to the chatter from the broadcast booth was positively hallucinogenic. Felt like listening to goddamn propaganda half the damn time. And yet, I’m left wondering whether saw some darker, shadow-version of what everyone else saw tonight.

The one thing no one could miss: Dairon Asprilla power-glancing home a header from a Santiago Moreno free-kick. Yessir, that was the rock on which the Portland Timbers 1-0 win over Minnesota United FC was built...and then I rewatched said header and saw that Asprilla didn’t have to move at all to win it; Moreno casually dimed it onto his head while Minnesota’s near-side defender (looks like Luis Amarilla from the still I’m looking at right now; gonna savor the mystery) stepped out of the way. Think it’s Michael Boxall who’s asking the same question I am right now: what the fuck, man?

While it’s not 100% borne out by anything more concrete than the eye test and some parts of the box score, I’d call makeshift Minnesota the better team tonight. They moved the ball smarter, they teed up better chances (and a lot more of them) – I mean, I’m looking at the passing accuracy stat right now and suddenly wondering whether I even know how that’s calculated (and whether the Illuminati are involved) – and, all in all, believe a fair case could be made that, but for the Aljaz Ivacic/Claudio Bravo double save, like, five minutes into the game, this one would have slipped away from the Portland. Seriously, think of it: if either of those shots go in (or, for that matter, any of Minnesota’s five shots on goal, or any of their 21 shots), that’s the Timbers trying to breakdown an actually compacted Minnesota defense. And, based on what I saw out there tonight, I don’t think that’s a game Portland would have won...but instead this game wound up as a lesson in what happens when one team lets the other hang around for too long.

Honestly, if either Garcia or Kervin Arriaga could shoot; Arriaga’s wild swing to nowhere were a comic delight, but, this could have been Minnesota’s game at least half a dozen times over.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Atlanta United FC: The Raw Art of Sufficiency

In the same way this is food...

To start with the biggest happy picture, three straight wins goes a long way toward getting a team out the hole it dug over the first half of the season. The Portland Timbers’ 2-1 home win yesterday afternoon over a winded and dizzy Atlanta United FC capped that hop, skip, jump run of games and hoisted them a little higher over the playoff line. That the Los Angeles Galaxy played two games over the past week and pissed away four points in what arguably should have been winnable games makes it a little sweeter still.

Another happy thought: the Timbers have scored two goals in each of those three wins, which bought the defense a little credit for the one goal it has inevitably given up. All that’s the say, the foundation look good, at least until you take a closer look at it.

First, and to finally get to the game, Atlanta hasn’t been good all season – i.e., they leave three-game gaps between wins and this game came in a trough – they’re crap on the road (1-9-5), and they kicked off the game under the playoff line and there they remain. So that’s at least three reasons the Timbers did no more than what they should have yesterday. And, to their credit, they looked the better team. Atlanta had a nice, crisp, organized opening period where they took the game to Portland, though in retrospect all that activity wasn’t materially different than a ‘keeper bouncing and flapping on his goal line ahead of a penalty kick...and how apt is that metaphor?

To sing a couple more bars of praise, I like the way the Timbers took over the game. Both midfielders and defenders snapped at most things played toward them – even when they had to step ahead an Atlanta player to get there first – and that did a number on the visitors’ confidence in moving the ball. When they finally started finding and prying at little seams in the channels, the three-man back line of Bill Tuiloma, Dario Zuparic, and (about damn time) Zac McGraw held the right positions to cut out the passes or generally get in the way. Atlanta’s too-late goal aside – and pour one out for the late tragedy of Josef Martinez’s great MLS career – they managed just one other clean look on goal, e.g., that clever ball over the top by Santiago Sosa to Ronaldo Cisneros. And Aljaz Ivacic got his leg in the way of that one. Moving on to the caveats...

Portland’s attack didn’t look great. Missing Eryk Williamson had something to do with that, of course...at least until you remember that, for all his utility (i.e., help us, Eryk, you’re our only hope), the Timbers’ attack hasn’t look much better when he’s there. A good way to phrase the phenomenon came to be as my attention wandered during the second half yesterday (and, lo, it went far and freely): the Timbers have arrived at place where they cause goals, as opposed to creating them. I can’t remember the last time Portland did anything particularly impressive, never mind artful, on the approach to goal; as much as I admired the indirect inventiveness of Eryk’s assist on (I think) the second goal in the win over Austin, they haven’t waltzed one in over the last three wins. It’s been a lot of free kicks and, yesterday, penalty kicks.

Austin FC 1-2 Portland Timbers: A Passive-Aggressive Masterpiece

That was exactly the kind of win the Portland Timbers needed. I’ll elaborate below, but, between a late start tonight and a long commute tomorrow, I’ve got to keep this brief.

Big Picture: The Timbers attacks is...what it is this season (again, see below) and, barring a change I can’t see no matter how hard I squint, that makes the Timbers defense the key to whatever success they’ll enjoy. And the defense – writ pretty damn large, too (see below) – did a great, game-winning job tonight.

If the Timbers can follow the same script for the rest of 2022 – and this goes double given some of what’s happening above them (emphasis on “some”) – they could actually do something with a 2022 that looked poised to die out like the fire you stare at on a cold night when the tent seems too far away and the whiskey looks up for outlasting the fire. You know what that means if you’ve been there...

All that’s to say, the Timbers punched three points out of Austin FC tonight on a 2-1 win delivered, as I both see it and want to see it, by the defense. It took surviving, golly, three, four shots in the opening 10 minutes - by my count, Aljaz Ivacic, made three of his four saves three in that stretch – but it also took just one sharp, early punch to the jaw to discomfit Austin for most of the game. Bill Tuiloma delivered the blow shortly after Austin’s better moments, and with a defender’s attacking header on a set-piece that Eryk Williamson sent straight to his head, postage-paid and all. It was simple as you like, not to mention the first positive thing Portland had managed all game that wasn’t a save, but it gave the Timbers a lead and...

My main talking point for the game, or the continuation of it, is complicated. After Tuiloma’s go-ahead goal, the Timbers commenced to defending the lead and, honestly, I don’t know what to call what I saw but not so much pressing as loitering with intent on the edges of a melting line of engagement. I need to tighten up the name of the strategy, obviously, but it boils down to having a defensive player vaguely menace the opposition starting around 2/3 of the field away from goal. Sure, the Timbers had a couple moments where they did the classic press – i.e., players chasing hard at each successive passer (a great strategy when you time the releases right) – but, for the most part, it amounted to being...present as Austin tried to work the ball up the field. Time on the ball, but not enough, making every pass just a little harder, demanding that little bit more precision. Better, just when you thought you broke the line, it retreats and forces you to do it all over again. There’s something quietly brilliant in the concept, like guerilla warfare in soccer form.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Seattle Sounders: Think Happy Thoughts. And That's Mostly Directed at Me

The beeesssttt of both worlds...

The super-big, important thing to keep in mind – and I type those silly words with only a few trifling complaints about tonight in my head – the Seattle Sounders have been as bad as the Portland Timbers lately; worse (for them), they completely pissed away the first 40 minutes of the second half through not knowing what to do and fucking up pretty much everything they attempted. It was the opposite of impressive.

And yet, I am thankful because the Timbers needed tonight’s 2-1 win like a fish needs water and a mammal needs fresh air to fill its lungs. It’s mostly happy stuff from here on out, and I may be speaking for myself here, but I would be very, very cautious about reading a turn-around to a fitful 2022 season into this game. That’s to say, one can can’t talk about how iffy a team has been going into a game only to talk around it when said iffy team spends...let’s see, call it the 20th minute that Seattle started doing nothing, and I’d say that carried to the 80th minute, maybe the 75th at the earliest, so, yeah, by my count, the Sounders checked out for somewhere between 55 and 60 minutes of the game. All I’m saying is I wouldn’t count on any other teams to do that.

But full credit to the Timbers. They had their own period of figuring out which way is up (pssst...it’s up), they even went down a goal on a set-piece that said “HELLO” like a whiff of cat-piss (speaking from experience), but Portland did something tonight that they haven’t done since...I’m going by memory here, but I’d say either the home win over the San Jose Earthquakes or battling road draw at Minnesota United FC – i.e., make the game play out on their terms. Most of that, if not all of it, turned on the defining fundamental in all sports: the art of execution. And, as I often do, I must confess to heresy as an auto-da-fe.

All the way up to the exact second Eryk Williamson ran into Yeimar Gomez Andrade’s legs (and blow it out yer ass, Kasey Keller), I couldn’t see a path to the Timbers first goal. A very large part of that actually went back to Williamson, a player who, at least tonight showed a lack of mobility that I’ve not seen since OG MLS-legend, Carlos Valderrama. God’s honest, I watched Eryk all night and the man barely moved. With the game winding down and everything (which, here, means another fucking draw) on the table, I saw Williamson occupy a space in the channel two-three yards above the top of the 18...and that’s it. He literally stood there and directed traffic. The ball came in and out of that space a couple times, Eryk stepped vaguely toward, but, again, that’s it.

Sporting Kansas City 4-1 Portland Timbers: Are My Psychological Preparations Paying Off

Denmark smells like something crawled up its ass and died and brought a yeast infection along for laughs. Things smelled rotten three, four games ago.

Proof!

Here I was all primed to throw out a “I’ve written them off before” lifeline, one that included water‑wings that read, “if they put together a run, not only would that get them into the playoffs, it’d get ‘em there running” (they’re big water‑wings), and then I remembered that, in this season of fetid evil (aka, World Cup year, Qatar edition), the Portland Timbers have only seven games left to go. Between tonight’s result and the most basic math, a “run” would amount to them winning, say, five games of seven down the stretch. By any count, that means starting with a W next week...I mean, with the way the Sounders are playing...

About that result, the Timbers 0-3 road loss at the quite lowly Sporting Kansas City. Yeah, yeah, 1-4 road loss, but when the official webpage can’t get it right (see right/caught you, MFs!!), I feel all right calling the second half a 1-1 draw. Sebastian Blanco’s late consolation came four score minutes and four goals too late, sure, but had Portland played the first half like they played the second, well...we’d have something better to talk about, now wouldn’t we? The stats page backs me up on that too, especially the progress of the xG. Meanwhile, back in reality...

Because I was finishing off a really killer pork chile verde (nailed it), I couldn’t really drink in the details of each of the goals Portland’s allowed. Having just put my eyes and heart through them all again, I’d rank them as follows, the most egregious to the most forgivable: 3rd (all that standing?!), 1st (at least everyone pitched in on the fail!), 2nd (SKC got a bit lucky, but I’m giving an assist to the positively drugged defensive reaction), and 4th (shit happens when your pants go down). The simple story of this game goes something like this: after doing very little for 30 minutes, the Timbers fell apart for fifteen minutes. If I were the coach, I’d make the defense sit through the first and third goals 20 times between now and Friday night. I started the review tonight and I’d add on five more viewings any time the team complained.

Would to gods I had more than a couple positive things to say about Portland’s offense. To their very real credit, it took only a minute or two after the halftime whistle for the Timbers to create good chances; to his very real credit, SKC’s ‘keeper, John Pulskamp, stopped all the good ones. Portland added two more quality shots before the clock ran out – Dairon Asprilla got one, Blanco (who had a decent night after mo’ better support came on) got one more – but that still adds up to one slim shot more than SKC had goals.

Toronto FC 3-1 Portland Timbers: Unbalanced, Undone

Jaroslaw Niezgoda says "Hi."

I’ll start with a confession: I didn’t get the usual granular [ed. - what? listen to yourself, man!] read on the Portland Timbers in their 1-3 loss at Toronto FC because I was catching up with an old friend (#WorthIt). Still, I think I saw enough to state that things did not go well, and with some confidence. Anyone who disagrees may speak now or forever hold your........no takers, eh? Small surprise. The box score reduces that reality into numerical values, none of them good; I remember seeing the shots distributed at 7 shots to 0 sometime during the first half and hoping that improved in some way...but nope. Jaroslaw Niezgoda sends his regards from the remote desert island you can see on Portland’s passing map....

As argued in every preview-esque thing I tweeted going into this game, I expected a track meet in this one – i.e., two defensively-impoverished teams trading blows from the starting whistle to the one that called it a night. What we got instead was a Toronto team probing the Timbers defensive flaws like a dermatologist determined to eradicate acne and Portland playing the role of the face on which said “doctor of science” operates. The defense failed to get their lines right and to a point that left little pockets that Toronto’s freshly-arrived European contingent to exploit in a deeply uncomfortable way. And did they ever...

I didn’t mind that so much – I expected it, in fact, based on a review of the short footage Lorenzo Insigne provided after his arrival – but still felt some optimism that the Timbers would make Toronto’s heretofore shaky defense sweat just as much as Portland’s....but it was not to be, not in 90 minutes and probably not 180. My frustration with the Timbers attack has by now been thoroughly documented and explained in as many ways as I can think of it (I like to keep things fresh), but that did not prepare me for what we all witnessed tonight – aka, as close as a team can get to a no-show after stepping on the field. Flawed as the Timbers attack has been this season, I don’t think it ever slumped to something as helpless as three shots total, with just two on goal.

Thankfully(?), one of those two shots on goal went in. Moreover, it went in off the foot least likely to do anything useful – aka, Josecarlos Van Rankin’s – and, Timbers fans, can we all just take a quick breath and savor the only thing that went right tonight? Portland made at least two smart attacking moves tonight, both delivered by (what else?) quick decisive moves into/across Toronto’s 18 and both ending in shots on goal. Sure, Yimmi Chara fired straight at Alex Bono’s right shin, but the move was there, even if Yimmi wasn’t all the way. Going the other way, can a team win a playoffs-worthy number of games when creating just two good attacking moves? It depends on the quality of the defense behind them, obviously, and that’s where the worm turns and the conversation shifts to all the things that went so terribly wrong tonight.

Portland Timbers 1-1 FC Dallas: The Limitations and Blessings of "Eh, Good Enough"

Explain that entire civilization and make it POP.

Had FC Dallas’ Paul Arriola not flubbed on one-and-a-half breakaways, had Jesus Ferreira not been called offside on Dallas’ best team attack, had Aljaz Ivacic failed to see the same player’s shot curl around Larrys Mabiala at the tail-end of their best chunk of the game, and had the Timbers not worked the ball smartly from right to left – and for once – to set up their best chance from open play, I could have started watching that game around the 85th minute and walked away without feeling I'd wasted 85 minutes of my life.

MLS Week 24 featured all kinds of good, compelling games, many of them with scores ending in results positively begging for a longer look. This was not one of them.

On a weekend when chaos reigned, the Portland Timbers served up another plate of the same-ol’-shit, a ho-hum motherfucker of a 1-1 draw at home against a team that, say it with me, “is above them in the standings, but not playing their best at the moment.” I’m at the point where the words “unbeaten run” have become a triggering event. If you want to find something to feel good about in this one, you’ll have to sift through a ton of dirt. And archaeology feels like a good metaphor for this one: sometimes you have to look at a potsherd and expand on it to explain a whole goddamn forgotten civilization. Or maybe you just chuck the potsherd and figure it was worth forgetting.

Tthat’s my cue to admit to missing just about everything besides Dallas’ still-later equalizer. As noted in the game thread, I thought Matt Hedges nodded home the equalizer; in reality, it came off Diego Chara’s head, and I can’t think of a louder way to whisper, “maybe you’re cursed” than that. Unlike many a Timber, Chara had a decent night, i.e., leading a defensive line that had, comedic fuck-ups notwithstanding (see Arriola’s two spurned chances), managed Dallas’ feeble attack well enough. I touched on Dallas’ salad days above – the first 20 minutes of the second half, give or take – but, again, it took Portland’s worst moments to give them their good ones.

Going the other way, at least they had them. If you take the chance flagged in the mess of a run-on sentence that started this post and maybe the chance that teed up Portland’s late, yet not late enough penalty kick, the Timbers didn’t do collectively much all night, 16 shots and five shots on goal be damned. The few things that happened for either team came in individual moments – again, see the above run-on sentence. With only a few exceptions – e.g., Santiago “Wee Wrecking Ball” Moreno on the attacking side, Dario “Hack the Bone” Zuparic on the defensive side, a couple bail-outs from Ivacic and Marvin Loria finding the rare openings – everyone in green and flat yellow fell somewhere between good enough (e.g., Bill Tuiloma, David Ayala), undistinguished (e.g., Yimmi Chara) and invisible (e.g., Jaroslaw Niezgoda, but also look at that passing map).

Portland Timbers 1-1 Nashville SC: That One, Necessary Step

Go on, ya little shit. Those stairs ain't gonna climb themselves.

I have more a string of notes than I do a coherent thought about that the Portland Timbers’ 1-1 home draw against Nashville SC.

First, Nashville scored – and the Timbers really do need to clean-up the set-piece defending; swear to God I saw Larrys Mabiala lean in for a power-header and miss it clean – then, the Timbers came back, and on the same kind of goal I picture when you hear someone use the word “patient” when describing an attacking build-up. Turns out the line between forcing it and dicking around is a thin one.

And, as much as anything else, the Timbers have gotten better about getting on the right side of that line lately – and the numbers back this up; Portland has averaged 2.0 goals/game over their past ten games, and haven’t been shut out once – aka, the same period that has me feeling better about their chances.

Again, there’s not a lot to analyze about this game. Both teams did a lot better over a first half that happily coincided with a time when both teams played with some combination of thinking they could win the game and knowing they have to start getting wins. It wasn’t until 70 minutes into the game that I realized I had nothing to say about how either midfield defended, and it wasn’t until the 75th that I realized that had everything to do with the fact that both teams focused more on attacking than stopping the other team from doing the same.

The sub-text that runs over the paragraph above is that Nashville started stepping to the ball and higher up the field. Portland hadn’t been great on the ball all game (a concern!), but Nashville forced a succession of turnovers early in the second half and that knocked Portland on their heels, and I don’t think the Timbers got back on the front foot at any point thereafter. Actually, take that back: they found it twice in the game’s dying minutes, first with Jaroslaw Niezgoda hitting a ball a mere 5 km below needed velocity, and then Nathan Fogaca (more on him later) not quite getting around his breakaway just a couple minutes later.

The Timbers had two late, great shots at a winner, but they only had those shots because Aljaz Ivacic made at least “that’s my guy,” saves (plus at least one weird one). You can sum up the game a couple ways.

Portland Timbers 2-1 San Jose Earthquakes: Dairon = Rocky

Eye of the Tiger. Also, wrong movie.

At some long-forgotten point during my long career of amateur commentating soccer career, I had an over-fondness for boxing metaphors. With that, let’s dip into the ol’ well once more...

Everyone who has seen even one Rocky movie knows one thing: the more often he gets punched in the head/face area, the better he fights. It might have happened in one movie, it might have happened in all of them, but I distinctly remember a sequence (or five) where Rocky barked something like “is that all you got? hit me harder” (think he said that to both Clubber Lang and Drako), and, as Rocky’s corner started to panic (though not Burgess Meredith, he died during Rocky II, I think), Pauly always said, “no, no, he’s getting madder,” or something like that. And that's how Rocky won the Cold War.

Rocky got punched in the head a whole bunch of fucking times tonight – the official stats counted seven times on target – and All That Jazz Ivacic parried them all away, one of them at dead-cert equalizer by the most active/dangerous player in the San Jose Earthquakes’ line-up, Cristian Espinoza (who, honestly, should take a bow; helluva game, sir; also, The Mothership stiffed us on stand-alone clips, but the highlights would be derelict if they didn't have a few of Ivacic's finest). That “hair-of-their-chinny-chin-chin” madness was more feature the bug in the Portland Timbers 2-1 win over San Jose. And, seeing that I begged for a win, I’m not going to scrutinize it overly...despite this being the same San Jose team I semi-officially wrote off (if halfway) in something I posted just this past Friday, and despite a record of failure that goes back to 1980-fucking-2, aka, when I was a bone-thin knee-high instead of the corpulent gentleman I’ve grown into today...

...deep breath...because that’s all I take these days. And, holy shit, where to begin?

As noted early in my game-thread for the match, San Jose came out nearly as hungry as Dairon Asprilla. After an opening 10 minutes where the teams seemed to punch even, San Jose clawed their way to higher ground and, for too much of the first half, tilted the field toward the Timbers goal. My sparse notes for the first half included phrases like, “SJ clearly not intimidated” and “POR D posture a bit low early,” and I feel like both of those held up pretty well. Whatever anyone thought of each of them, a succession of yellow cards to Portland players – Josecarlos Van Rankin (39th minute/deserved); Yimmi Chara (40th minute/richly-deserved) and Claudio Bravo (41; full disclosure, I didn’t see that one, so I’m not judging its validity) – pinpoints the moment of peak out-of-fucking-control for the Timbers. I think San Jose scored off the free-kick Bravo handed them (don’t honestly recall what I was doing), but, again, who set up the goal that bobbled its way to where Benjamin Kikanovic had nothing to do but stab it into an empty goal? Yep, Espinoza. Related, Ivacic deserved better from that bobble...

Portland Timbers 3-0 Colorado Rapids: In Which I Get Carried Away...

Shh. Shhh. SHHHH!! I...I got this. (And they did)

The first thing I want to say was that this felt different from the bawdy romp over Sporing Kansas City...back whenever the fuck that happened. I mean, SKC fell apart where the Colorado Rapids merely crumbled. Now, the real thing...

After watching Colorado’s Michael Barrios torment any New York City FC defender who ventured out to face him on their left, I’d already keyed on the Barrios/Claudio Bravo duel as a key to the game. Bravo did better than worse throughout the first half – I mean, he lunged here and there; he’s a chronic lunger – but he bit into a 48 oz. Porterhouse twice - one of those monsters they where they'll pay for your dinner if I keep it down - early in the second half and I figured it would take only one Rapids goal to start the Rube Goldberg machine of the Timbers’ unraveling; seriously, if Barrios ever got the upper-hand in that one, I’d be writing about a different game.

I wasn’t so much Bravo holding on – though he did – than the Timbers attack swarming the Rapids’ area like aggrieved hornets for a solid 10-15 that decided the game. Call Bravo’s little flutter (along with Santiago Moreno giving away the ball twice) the storm before the calm. I’m not entirely clear on which insurance goal deserves the most credit for knocking the collective wind out of the Rapids, but the game ended with both a whimper and a final 3-0 win for Portland.

The outcome looked less clear for the first 40 minutes. I don’t think the Rapids ever had better chances, but they had enough of them; the Rapids chose to open the space, even when that meant giving space as well, and both teams’ attacks benefited. While the game as a whole had its ins and outs, its beginnings of theories, that kind of thing, my top take-away was that the Timbers won for the first time this season by being good instead of lucky, or even gently blessed; to bring in a data point, I think The Mothership’s xG call gets it right. I’ll go to my grave arguing the Timbers had to get something going on offense in the first half of 2022, and they finally got that crucial critical mass of attacking momentum – there, I give most credit to Yimmi Chara and Santiago Moreno – to keep the Rapids attack honest, which, here, means conservative. Even after the edge slipped away toward the end of the second half, Moreno put in the hustle to chase a late, half-aimless through-ball. He got around the Rapids’ last man, got a clean touch on the ball, then got all of William Yarbrough (and without a whiff of malice). To continue a thought from the twitter thread, that might have been the singularly most obvious concussion call I’ve ever seen, and I wish the man a speedy and total recovery. Because that bell got rung.

The resulting penalty kick – tidy as you like by Sebastian Blanco – might have put the Timbers in the driver’s seat, but I started at the middle of the game, and the whole Bravo/Barrios duel, as a way to...acknowledge, I suppose, the moment when everything could have gone wrong. And it didn’t. Those five-to-ten loose minutes had a real drunk-teenager-walking-on-the-edge-of-a-tall-building energy, an experience highlighted by the double save by Aljaz Ivacic (c’mon, hop on the wagon), but Portland shook it off, got the upper hand and kept it up till the final whistle.

Los Angeles Galaxy 1-1 Portland Timbers: So...What's to Be Done with the Wretch?

A wretch, in one extended universe.

In any other context, you’d pocket the Portland Timbers' 1-1 road draw at the Los Angeles Galaxy with a smile. In the context of a 2022 regular season in desperate need of a great, big goose on the bum, a little...more would have been nice.

I sat through the MLS in 15 to refresh my memory (and because I could; go on, girl, relive 1/6 of the pleasure & pain) and, apart from starting after two of the Galaxy’s early chances (22:41), they confirmed my overall impression of the game: about 90% of it happened between the defenses, a paucity of break-through moments, an afternoon of 20 gentlemen running aimlessly around a big field of green with two more standing in front of their goals, largely biding their time.

Still, Portland had their positives. Yimmi Chara made a cameo as the fastest man on the pitch with his blind-side run straight past LA’s Rayan Raveloson (who very visibly said, “fuck it,” after Yimmi bolted past), which gave Sebastian Blanco an easy diagonal for the assist. A bad touch from Yimmi could have pissed it all away, but he took an atypically soft and smart touch away from Derrick Williams (best player on field, fwiw) and slotted home near-post past Jonathan Bond. That one bright shining moment carried the Timbers to within two minutes (plus stoppage time) of bringing all three points back to Portland, and I’ll get to that, but let’s wrap up the positives.

Both Claudio Bravo and, especially, Josecarlos Van Rankin had solid games, and neither got sent off, so that’s a win. Timbers’ ‘keeper Aljaz Ivacic made a mix of good and lucky saves and generally looked comfortable back there (credit where it’s due, but I’d really like to see him yell more; I expect yelling from my ‘keepers)...and, yep, I just wrapped up the positives.

The Galaxy equalized, cruelly, almost immediately after the you-didn’t-know-you’d-miss-him-till-he’s-gone Felipe Mora made his 2022 season debut. When Dejan Joveljic gained a couple yards inside on Larrys Mabiala and finally placed a ball where Ivacic couldn’t reach and/or sit on it, LA clawed back two points they barely deserved, but anyone with eyes to see it and the stomach to stare disappointment in the face could see the Galaxy piling on those kinds of half-chance passes; neither team impressed with their xG numbers, but the little xG chart on The Mothership’s stats page matches what I remember. All it took was one Timbers defender switching off – i.e., Larrys didn’t seen Joveljic’s run till he was two yards past him – a tale as old as time. Especially for Portland.

Portland Timbers 0-2 Philadelphia Union: A Meditation on an Attack

Is he angry because he doesn't know where to go?

Someone else fired the Portland Timbers’ first shot on goal - I don’t remember who it was, but also, does it matter? - but Bill Tuiloma got their best one. The fact he fired it well past the 80th minute, may have even been after the 85th, says plenty, but I’m less concerned about the specific identity of the man who fired it than I am by the fact that Timbers can’t seem to generate offense without the ball coming forward at just the right angle and to an attacking player in just the right space. You?

The last 10 minutes of the Timbers' 0-2 home loss to the Philadelphia Union gave a glimpse into an alternate universe where Portland threw caution to the wind for the full 90 minutes and made Philly sweat through every one of them. Or, more likely, the Union drew the obvious conclusion from the Timbers first 20 attempts to break them down after they'd compacted the defense and figured they could ride it out. Maybe it was something the Timbers started to do, maybe it was something Philly stopped doing, and a maddening snitch’s adherence to the rules by referee Allen Chapman aside, both Union goals felt like alarms that went off ten (or five) minutes too late to get to work. It took Portland too long to get going - which, here, means all the way going - while it seemed like the Union could revive their method at will. There was no point during this game…which I joined late due to a wrinkle in a stupidly specific rule in NASCAR, one that bears a grating fucking resemblance to Allen Champman standing gape-mouthed with an index finger cocked to the earbud in his ear like he was trying to see where he hit the right note in a Double-Mint Gum jingle…ahem, when I thought Portland had a credible shot at actually winning it.

I mean, bravo on the goal that Chapman called back against both the letter and spirit of “clear and obvious error” (failing to be a prick on behalf of pricks; Chapman’s an evil wizard), but sure as I see the Timbers damn-near even on shots and one-fourth of average in shots on goal (two; they got two), the attack just plain sucks right now. Shut your ears to the siren song of the Sporting Kansas City sacrifice, ‘twas the dream of the song, etc., yeah, yeah, yeah; for the love of all the over-rehearsed weirdness I’ve watched over the past…I’m going with ten games, which includes the wins over SKC and Vancouver, Portland has completely lost track of how to get to goal. They do better in transition, obviously - that’s why I lead with Tuiloma and his chance - but I’m getting close to calling the formula for stifling the Timbers something perilously close to fool-proof.

Being a mere 20% less obvious might help. How many Timbers attacks enter the critical phase (aka, anything inside the opposition’s defensive third) with a ball into the corner? Even if I admit that me answering “all the time, like every fucking one of them” is a product of watching for something and seeing it to the exclusion of all else, that’s all I see to the point where I think Gio might have branded that useless stab at everything but the dartboard. As much as it stood out tonight (luridly), a standard Timbers attack against a compacted defense tends to look like so: the ball goes into one corner (usually with nothing happening near the goal), and then comes back out to a supporting fullback; the ball goes centrally from there, a couple flirtatious in-and-outs to the top of the 18 and back follow before the ball goes centrally again, from whence it goes to the outside channel with the most open space; after that the receiving player flails the ball at some point either toward or above the middle, and to three guys making the text book runs, one near-post, one centrally, one far post. And so on forever, until nothing at all happens. On most plays when the cross wasn’t on, I saw Timbers players come out of the middle to support the wide player. It happened without any rhyme or reason that I saw. Just people throwing money at charities and hoping it all goes away (not being righteous; I resemble that metaphor).

Red Bull New York 1-1 Portland Timbers: Through Wind, Through Rain, Through Bull, etc.

It is called showing up to work. Dammit.

To offer a metaphor, the Portland Timbers road game at Harrison, New Jersey, compared to the experience of walking to the mailbox in a windstorm. It feels impossible when you first step into it, but, foot by foot, you figure out how to stand up, then you figure out how to walk, and, finally, you get the mail. Mission accomplished.

Sure, the wind still knocked you into a face-plant on the way back, but also, you got mail!

To set aside the metaphor, the Timbers poached a point from Red Bull New York, and stole two of theirs in the deal. No one wanted the 1-1 draw it ended on, but, returning to the metaphor, Portland found their feet tonight, and it was good. With few exceptions, either for players or in moments, they looked neither flustered nor too casual, and nearly every player in green grew into the game. Even if the result itself wasn’t good, it was good for morale. Die with yer boots on, if you’re gonna go down, take a good swing before the stars come out, etc.

To expand the commentary(/switch metaphors), playing Red Bull amounts to an effort in treading water - i.e., keeping your head up long enough find a safe harbor where you can get it together and get out of the situation. And, after a shaky start - and Pablo Bonilla and Marvin Loria stood out in that regard - the Timbers did that. In a nice bit of chemistry meeting in the middle, they collectively picked up the pace on the passes and provided options to make them happen. The way Red Bull plays makes it hard to get far out ahead - and, if you love the Timbers don’t look at the xG (because it wasn’t far wrong) - but Portland chose a moment to try to get something out of the game and pulled it off. I’ll have more on that later - due to some specifics I want to pull out - but, after three games after fairly uncompetitive soccer, just the idea of rising to an opponent plays like a choir of angels.

The Red Bulls got back into the game, of course. It took them about five minutes after the Timbers’ go-ahead goal (wait for it) for them to scratch back into the game, and only 10 minutes (or so) after that for Aaron Long to put back a second ball off a corner kick, but, a (heavy) flurry on the fringes of Portland’s back-line aside, the home team didn’t create a lot of opportunities. Moreover, when a great opening bounced their way, one that saw Omar Fernandez wide open and way up the field on Justin Rasmussen’s side and with young Justin on walkabout, the further he pushed up-field, the lonelier he got. That happened around the 82nd minute; the legs just weren’t there, something that has long struck me as the risk side of RBNY risk/reward system. I wouldn’t say they had an actual bad night; it’s more that when you shoot a little wild, as they do, you don’t hit a lot.

Portland Timbers Preview: On Fears of Getting Run Over

We all need a hero...

Red Bull New York has yet to win at home in the 2022 season. that’s the cheeriest thought I have to pass on about the Portland Timbers’ trip to Harrison, New Jersey this weekend.

The buzz from Yimmi Chara’s back-to-back bicycle-kick goals wore off weeks ago, leaving Portland’s fans sipping stale coffee in the hopes that, if nothing else, they can stay awake until the Timbers do. The Timbers’ goals-for number stalled just over three games ago (is it possible for that number to go down?) - think the exact number is 282 minutes plus stoppage time - and I’m imagineering like a motherfucker, but still can’t picture how that changes against a Red Bulls team that, assuming they play as they normally do, will press every passer for large stretches of this game. On the plus side, Josecarlos Van Rankin is suspended for this one.

He's the most draining culprit, of course, but not many Timbers have looked like a realist’s picture of composure for several weeks. I can see any number of Portland players making a loose pass or failing to control the same, and turnovers like that will put the Red Bulls between two and five passes from scoring. The Red Bulls have scored reliably this season - they’ve only been kept off the board twice so far (again, both games at home). Just one more note on this: as with their pressing, you don’t see the goal coming until they ball has already gone in. That’s to say, unless I’m very wrong about how this game will play out, Portland’s Aljaz Ivacic will need to come alert and limber for this one.

The only break I really see Portland catching: the theoretical possibility that they’ll be able to transition against the Red Bulls gegen-press (against v gegen?). The Red Bulls do throw numbers into their press, something that should help the Timbers get vertical; going the other way, their press has looked super well-organized in all the investigative safaris I’ve undertaken - and I’ve got a second on that perception from the broadcast both more than once. Add a couple steady backstops (e.g., Aaron Long and Sean Nealis), a pair of herding-dog maniacs in front of them (e.g., Christian Casseres, Jr. and Frank Amaya, most of the time), and you’re left waiting for Carlos Coronel to bail you out with something stupid. Bottom line, Red Bull has been for any team to play through - they’ve given up just seven goals so far (average = 0.78 goals per game) - and that doesn’t pair so good with…you know.

Colorado Rapids 2-0 Portland Timbers: Kindly Stop Saying "Unbeaten in Three"

In a word, the strategy feels off...

A sum of the sum of things. As in one example of several things. I think that gets to the marrow of it.

Would it help if Timbers attackers did better with their rare chances? Of course. When the call came, neither Marvin Loria nor Santiago Moreno answered (shit…there was one more chance I’m forgetting, but…). Loria, at least, had a dynamite moment of half-consciousness proficiency at the end of the first half, and off the Portland Timbers’ best chance of the day (helluva shot, kid), but Timbers attackers mostly fired the ball over William Yarbrough’s goal like they thought that was the point of the game. To float a theory, when your team isn’t great at finishing chances, that only raises the importance of creating more of them - i.e., if you only score once in every 30 chances, getting to 30 chances as quickly as possible feels like the shortest distance to goal. This being the age of analytics, a necessary disclaimer: I don’t know the Timbers’ goal:chance ratio. I only know they don’t generate a lot of good chances (40 shots total over their last three games), and that makes every chance a little more sacred.

Speaking of creating chances, the Colorado Rapids’ xG spiked for the first time after Diego Rubio got sent off in the 63rd minute. And, sadly, that's what it looked like in real time. The Timbers, meanwhile, flat-lined for the next 10-15 minutes thereafter and generally pissed away a man-advantage for the last 30 minutes of the game. The Big Bad Wolf howling at the brick house. And that seems to be a theme for 2022.

That inspired the title, by the way. After three games unbeaten, the Timbers got beat tonight - 2-0 at the Colorado Rapids - but I can’t remember the last time Portland looked like beating any team. Playing at that level puts their ceiling at draws, most of them goal-less, and that’s not a great place to be for a variety of reasons, up to and including entertainment. Worse, they haven’t exactly played the cream of MLS during that time - i.e., at Houston, v Real Salt Lake, and, tonight, at Colorado, aka, as close to middling (and yet still higher than the Timbers) that it gets - and that adds up to 282 minutes, plus stoppage time and in reasonably playable conditions, since the Timbers have scored a goal. I never thought Colorado on the road would be easy, but the few chances Portland got seemed to surprise (and baffle) them as much as they did me and it’s been the same thing for a while now: they don’t make chances, they grasp at them. So long as a team plays like that, the defense needs to have a perfect evening, maybe even something Disney magical…and yet the 0-2 final score speaks for itself…