Seattle Sounders 4-1 FC Cincinnati: 14 Glorious Minutes

Wait for it....

For starters, it was a complicated night, lots of distractions, condensed perspectives, etc. Still, Alvas Powell’s no-hope, screamer at 24th minute had a portentous vibe to it, a sense of, if we’re gonna pad this score, it has to be now. It was a one hell of a death rattle.

FC Cincinnati’s first-ever game in Major League Soccer ended…not ideally, with a 1-4 loss to the Seattle Sounders in Seattle (just the second time I’ve seen FC Cincy loose, btw). I had the good fortune to watch the game live, to see people walking around Seattle’s CenturyLink field in shiny, new FC Cincinnati gear, blue, orange, and giddy smiles all around. It was a fine night for the game too, brisk and clear, so I can recommend everything about the experience that wasn’t the curry lamb meat pie. To get caveats out of the way, I watched from the end-line, one of the more complicated viewing perspectives. I supplemented the live experience last night via the condensed game on a tiny screen (after the plan for a slightly less tiny screen fell through), these are my notes, submitted this 3rd day, March, 2019, showered less than I should be, but also extraordinarily comfortable…

First, let us pause to appreciate…no, contemplate the beauty of Leanardo Bertone’s goal, the first scored by FC Cincinnati in their Major League Soccer history. It teed up like an over-ripe melon that your kinder pitching machines give you on the “Slow/Improve My Mood” setting. Bertone launched one of those barely-rotating cannonballs into the lower (Stefan Frei’s) right of the goal and, obviously, holy shit, yes, good start. That’s a goal any player fantasizes about hitting and, guys(!!), that’s FC Cincinnati’s first-ever goal. (I once caught a 12-inch bass, which means I have some sense of what Bertone feels right now…if not, he should call me to download.) Notably, however, that bright, shining moment came after a spell of Seattle pressure. More Seattle pressure followed on the other side of Cincinnati’s one (real) moment of glory (no offense) too…surely, you can see where this is going. Still, it was possible to dream for 14 glorious minutes....

Sure, FC Cincy scored first, but it took two goals over a rough space of five minutes to end this game as a contest. I’ll go deeper on the first goal later, but when Morris rushed into the vertical gap on the (Cincy’s) left of the defense and behind the midfield, and pinged the game-winner off the foot (I think) of a Cincinnati defender, the game looked…well, over. 60+ minutes of one-way traffic more confirmed that, yes, FC Cincinnati’s first game in MLS would go into the history books, but there would be no happy ending. (Bob Kraft. Sorry! That’s all I’m gonna say!).

Colorado Rapids 3-3 Portland Timbers: Of Snow & Fortunate Deflections

Just do your best out there, guys. We fucked ya up goin' in.

The Department of Cross-Platform Corrections will open this post by announcing that, after further review, Axel Sjoberg’s not-quite-goal-saving handball was deliberate. (During the game, I tweeted that I wouldn’t have called it, but watch his hand (over and over); yes, the VAR got it right.) Moving on now, to the Ministry of Justice, given that either of two Portland Timbers players could have nodded home Sjoberg’s naughty deflection, part of me would have just taken the goal and moved on. Back in this timeline, the shock-collar “tickled” Drew Fischer (that’s what they use right?), alerting him to matter of controversy (Sjoberg’s handball), and, after review, the whole thing ended up with red card for the Colorado Rapids and the Timbers wound up with a penalty kick.

Diego Valeri scored it, the game ultimately ended 3-3, and all the above wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened some miles removed from Denver, Colorado yesterday. If nothing else, it snowed like goddamn crazy, but, to lick the brassiest of brass tacks, had you given 1,000 Timbers fans the top-level scenario for yesterday’s game – e.g., a high-scoring draw in Colorado and with snow falling – and asked them whether or not they’d call it a good result, I put the number of “yes” answers at or around 2/3 of respondents. (Sharper question: would that number go up or down immediately after the game and with all respondents 4+ drinks in?) As with what we shall henceforth call Sjoberg’s Goal (MLS’s/Kant’s answer to Schrodinger’s Cat), would you get different answers from those 1,000 Timbers fans had you watched that game with each of them and then asked them afterwards how they felt? (Focus groups = Group-think. Also, fluoride.)

Cold weather games are almost always memorable, in that they borrow a central principle from hockey – i.e., putting as many obstacles as possible in the way of success (e.g., “here are some skates, here’s a stick; now, go chase piece of frozen rubber around a sheet of fucking ice, I said do it!”; I finally get why hockey players are so fucking angry). Snow counts as the most unnatural, recurring condition for soccer, because it makes all the players run using weird, choppy strides, and guys slip all over the place…but does snow typically cause ‘keepers to cough up that many rebounds? It took reviewing the highlights to fully absorb the reality that half of yesterday’s goals came off rebounds. (So, to you kids watching at home, your coach isn’t full of shit when he tells you to follow up on shots. A lot of it’s bullshit, but that one’s real.)

All in all, though, is there anything real to take away from this game, or was it dog-pile of X-factors and the toddler-esque beginning of any regular season? For all the commentary on snow, both teams played a recognizable and accepted version of soccer out there. Sure people looked a little clumsy from time to time – one of them being Benny Feilhaber’s equalizer – but they moved the ball to where they wanted it to go and, deep as the powder got during the game, it didn’t stop the Rapids from scoring its second, the game’s third equalizer. The snow mattered, but it didn’t really.

MLS 2019: Benchmarks for the Form Guide ULTRA

Best to use caution, yes?

When she watches Jeopardy!, my wife has this tic of guessing the answer to Final Jeopardy! based solely on the category. If the category is “American Poets,” she’ll blurt out, say, “Edgar Allan Poe” before the question goes up (that’s her answer across several categories, actually). She’s gotten the answer right a few times (including Gandhi once, and without knowing he spent time in South Africa; the actual question threw her), but, in over 15 years of marriage, she’s swung wildly and to nowhere hundreds, even thousands, of times. It feels like wasted thought, but it makes her happy. And I think it’s cute. Now, anyway. Regardless, no harm, no foul, etc.

That’s pretty much how I feel about “hot takes,” aka, the wild leaps of fancy that inflate a valid detail into a sweeping, long-shot prediction. They’re almost always wrong, but that just means you get to call yourself a prophet and/or genius if you land one. Call them the whispy path to what passes for glory in spectator sports, the weird high of “being right” nests in fan culture like lice in a child’s scalp, and they are harmless. Just remember they don’t really tell you much.

Anyway, I have hot takes on the mind because ExtraTime Radio’s 2019 preview was a fucking buffet of them. “The Year of Zlatan”? Look, I’m not calling it impossible; I’m saying there’s nothing out there to support but Zlatan Ibrahimovic’s ego and, sure, some very real talent. I’ll just wait to see whether he pulls it off. Because that’s how I roll.

The rest of this post offers up vague impressions of all 24 MLS teams as they head into the 2019 season in that spirit. The teams are ranked according to four broad categories: 1) Contenders (aka, teams who look up for winning a trophy); 2) Proven (aka, known quantities, likely for the playoffs); 3) Things to Prove (i.e., affects rebuilds, typically, but also “problems”); and 4) The Legion of the Wrong Kind of Doom, or the teams for whom I see no path to the post-season, never mind glory.

Now, why am I doing this? I’ll be tracking results through the regular season, just like I did in 2018 (looks like this, but it'll be different this season). The notes below provide initial baselines for every team in MLS, and, until the benevolent universe gives us data, I’ll be weighing their results through these assumptions. I’ll flesh out the mechanics at the end, but, bottom line, tracking results is a game of expectations. It doesn’t give you much in the early weeks, but, as the information fills in, and teams start to produce stats and develop tendencies, it becomes a pretty robust indicator for current form right around the second half of the season. That’s the theory, anyway.

FC Cincinnati, And the Fall Into MLS 2019

Hopes/dreams.

This preview as an expanded part of the larger project of offering my current best opinion/narrative on every team in Major League Soccer at the beginning of the 2019 regular season. That post will go up tomorrow (probably), and with much shorter entries for each of those teams – because I know less about them than I do FC Cincinnati, the subject of this post.

At the same time, I don’t have a deep, rich history with Ohio’s newest team. I only started watching them June 10, 2018 and, until just this past weekend, I had never seen them lose a game. Like nature in Jurassic Park, they always found a way…until they didn’t…

Preseason (domestic results only, and games that I watched): 1-1-0 

Even if I digested FC Cincinnati’s win over the Charleston Battery with a little more insouciance than justified, the fairly large part of me that hates being wrong larded that post with caveats. “It’ll get harder,” “Chicago is basically a USL team”: those are classic dodges, and I love them for it, but not even all of those psychically and emotionally-protective qualifiers prepared me for the full-eclipse darkness of what Columbus Crew SC…did to FC Cincinnati [a woman screams] in its final preseason game of its MLS existence (and I didn’t even get cool glasses).

As argued in the write-up, I interpreted Cincinnati’s win over Charleston as a reasonable result of having better individual players. To take two steps forward, I went into the game against Columbus with a headful of whispers that FC Cincy died over the first 70 minutes in the prior game against Chicago, but with more of a make-shift line-up (also, checks out). The team came back, I was told, on the strength of a rush of first-teamers and a wonder goal by Roland “Huzzah!” Lamah (look, just run with it, someone?). When the game against Columbus didn’t start so good, it all tracked as, “Columbus is better than Chicago, so this is expected, but, look! Lamah made a play! Green shoots!”

Trouble is, it never stopped looking not so good, and the green shoot got sent off for a two-footed tackle from behind. Cincinnati looked helpless before that, and utterly lost after it. Had Columbus played that game (and that game alone) for the kill, God help us. Or them. By which I mean FC Cincinnati. Here’s why:

The Portland Timbers, and The Fall Into 2019

The Seattle Super Junior Sounders!!

If you’ve followed my thoughts through the Portland Timbers’ 2019 preseason, you have seen the kinds of mood swings that get people talking about medication. This post will attempt to take all those disparate threads and tie them together into a coherent baseline understanding of where the Timbers seem to be going into the season. I’ll close out by identifying key mysteries and then wrap up by looking at Portland’s first 10 games – all of them on the road, of course - and projecting what I’d count as a good start to the 2019 season.

Preseason (domestic teams, only, and games that I watched): 2-1-1
The Timbers faced a useful collection of teams – e.g. (and in order), Seattle Sounders, the New York Red Bulls…Phoenix Rising (ah, the locus of my unhinging), and Real Salt Lake. Until that final, fluid win over RSL, where they played their starting set, Portland both played and faced some novel constructions for line-ups. There was the 60/30 split that faced The Seattle Super Junior Sounders!, the three-headed (fucked up) mutation that lost to Phoenix, and, again, something like the starting set against a baby Red Bulls line-up. Looking back on them now, all those make more or less sense – as in, I’m starting to really like Giovanni Savarese as a coach – but I’m less interested in the results than I am in the ultimate return of a familiar sensation.

If you take out the Phoenix game (see: “the locus of my unhinging”), I kept repeating the same big picture thought: with some complicated exceptions – e.g., Julio Cascante and David Guzman (and a strong, present desire to never see Renzo Zambrano again) - most Timbers played well. By the RSL game, they looked loose and confident. No, better than that: they looked saucy, and with a healthy helping of the right kind of back-heels. Because those thoughts line up with my notes from the earliest games last season, I’m going into 2019 feeling pretty good. Here’s why:

Overall

The three Portland players listed in Bobby Warshaw’s article on the best five players in every position answer the question: so long as they have Diego Valeri, Sebastian Blanco and Diego Chara healthy and playing well, Portland will remain competitive. All three are league elite, they know one another very well, as well as how to make the most of the pieces around them. If any one of those three goes down, though…well, that’s when the pants fill up in all the wrong ways. Roster continuity papered over some cracks last year, no question, but I’d also argue that some pieces around them don’t get their portion of propers – e.g., Jeff Attinella, certainly, but also Larrys Mabiala, Zarek Valentin and Jorge Villafana. The bones are good, as they say. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t questions.

FC Cincinnati 0-3 Columbus Crew SC: A Collection of Negative Metaphors

Fucking adorable, but it still has to change...

In my youth soccer days, I had a coach who turned his back on us after getting fed up with how the team practiced. He insisted we continue, only without him watching. It didn’t bother me (seemed for the best, really; he was unhappy, we were unhappy, etc.), but my teammates cracked within minutes and started begging him to watch again. That was the goal, of course, and he gave everyone reminders on “goals and attitudes,” etc. I don’t recall if we did any better, but that was never the point of the exercise.

I don’t know why that story came to me, but watching FC Cincinnati get destroyed by Columbus Crew SC by an ultimately merciful 3-0 final score allowed me to sympathize a little with my old coach.

I’ve been waiting to see how FC Cincinnati stacked up against Major League Soccer competition since June 10, 2018 – that was the first time I saw them play (and, for the record, they beat North Carolina in that one). Between my commute and some questionable choices on the video streaming side by and among FC Cincy, the Chicago Fire and the good people who run the Carolina Challenge Cup, I missed the live, and only, video stream of Cincinnati’s draw against Chicago. Watching them play the Charleston Battery…I dunno, it felt less like something any of us needed to know than a lazy farewell fuck with an old flame. (Also, I’d already watched them play Charleston last year as well). Given all the above, and unless I blacked out them playing an MLS team in last year’s U.S. Open Cup, yesterday’s game against Columbus really did count as my first time seeing FC Cincinnati against MLS opposition and…yeah, where to begin?

Saying a team got “played off the park” is one of soccer’s most familiar clichés, but FC Cincinnati did something more disturbing in Charleston yesterday: they didn’t to show up. They looked every bit as unready for primetime as the “jerseys” in which they played. By the end of getting spun dizzy by Columbus, I’m guessing some of them appreciated that little taste of anonymity. A few of them might have appreciated a bag to wear over their heads. Beat on both sides of the ball, they didn’t defend well and attacked with the force of three kittens, that’s the kind of shit you see in the FA Cup when the Premier League teams come in to face the amateurs. Worse, Roland Lamah, the only guy to produce a highlight reel moment (and he managed two…ish) let his final highlight take the form of a two-footed tackle from behind and a deserved sending off…

…to turn to another cliché, yes, sometimes a team needs that spark and that's probably what Lamah was after. Sparks are funny, though, inspiration in one scenario, and step one to a dumpster conflagration in another.

Portland Timbers 3-0 Real Salt Lake: Hitting Every Mark (and Hot Damn!)

How I'm keeping a clear head, or attempting to.

I saw a couple things in the time between the Portland Timbers absolutely nailed their final dress rehearsal for the 2019 season and actually sitting down to watch it. In fact, on my way to queuing up the archived stream, I saw the Bizarro-world score – i.e., one that had Real Salt Lake beating Portland 3-0 – but the opposite happened, of course. The Timbers won the game 3-0, and it took less than five minutes for the correct timeline to assert itself when Jeremy Ebobisse handled an Andy Polo cross and quietly slotted home Portland’s first goal.

Another moment better illustrates the way the game played out. Somewhere around the 68th minute, the ball rolled to Diego Valeri, with RSL’s Kyle Beckerman standing not more than a yard away. Beckerman bit hard to where he thought Valeri would take the ball, but Diego opened his body and guided the ball upfield, toward RSL’s goal. Beckerman grabbed Valeri to stop the break, picking up a yellow card for this pair of bad decisions. That one, short moment translates to the game writ large, because every player in Timbers green had moments very much like that happened over and over. The team brimmed with confidence yesterday – Zarek (freakin’) Valentin picked off a ball and pirouetted away with it with La Liga flair around the 10th minute, fer crissakes – and, to take the dimmest possible view of it, maybe that follows from having RSL’s number last season; maybe the two teams’ composition gives Portland a standing edge for now. A sunnier interpretation argues that good decisions and solid technique aligned in a way that promises at least some bright spots in the season that starts just one week from now.

What made me giddiest, though, was that RSL didn’t play a bad game. They forced at least three tough saves out of Jeff Attinella (at least) – including an early attempt by (I think Corey Baird) that took a desperate swing of the legs to keep the ball out of the goal. The ball that fed the attempt came from Damir Kreilach (playing as a second forward; see last paragraph) with a detour near Julio Cascante, and that underlines the very important point that Portland wasn’t perfect. But Cascante had a decent game, I’d argue his best of the preseason. And where he got beat, Attinella stepped into the breach left behind. Again, that phenomenon played out over and over, and all game. This, however, was more typical: at one point, RSL tried to play Baird around the right back (Jorge Villafana) the same way Portland had sent Andy Polo around (I think) Aaron Herrera throughout the first half to reasonably devastating effect (see, the first goal, and the third, just on the opposite side); in that moment, Baird had Villafana rummaging around his back pocket and with two more defenders left to beat inside. The organization was good, y’all.