MLS Week 31 Form Guide ULTRA: New Week, Good One, Too, New Format; Same Tables

This guy's fault. (Also, real good live performer.)

Because I’m on short time this week (saw The Jesus Lizard on Saturday, interested parties better get to ‘em before David Yow keels over on stage), it’s going to take more of this week than I want to organize a Top 5 talking points to kick off this ride through Data Hell (see the “InfoBoxes” below). Then again, I’m not sure that’s a bad thing. I’m not really equipped to give detailed analysis – look below, you’ll see it’s mostly numbers I’m relying on – so, I’m going to try linking to the scores/match recap pages and flagging points of interest in the highlights and other data sets for each game. [Ed. – I’m only giving one link to each game; if you want to see what I’m talking about, you’ll have to do some poking around.] If nothing else, that matches with my actual knowledge of what’s going around MLS.

So, yeah, that’s your basic structure – notes on games, then InfoBoxes. To explain the latter, those are simple tables, one for each team in MLS, that talks about where each of them are after the week in question (e.g., Week 31). Those tables show how all the teams in MLS did over their last 10 games, against who (whom?), and in whose house. And, to provide a key for some terminology, “IN” teams are the ones projected for (or, now, already in the playoffs), “OUT” teams are the ones who, according to appearances and the numbers, look dead; finally, there are the teams who could still go either way, and I call them “Marginal.” I’ll have to work out where to put information between the notes on the games and the notes with the InfoBoxes, but I’ll try to keep repetition at a minimum.

All in all, I’m less surprised by what I see every week, and that makes me think there’s some value in all this. Call it a good guide to MLS, but hardly an infallible one. Anyhoo, let’s start with all the games in MLS Week 31. Links to the recap are in the scores. You see 'em, right?

New York City FC 2-0 Chicago Fire

The box score hints that this was the massacre it looked like. David Villa scored a beauty for NYC’s second, and on top of setting up NYC’s first goal with a half-blind backheel (he knew someone was back there). Going the other way, Villa’s goal was like a live re-enactment of why the Fire’s season sucks so bad.

Houston Dynamo 3-0 Philadelphia Union (U.S. Open Cup)

I won’t usually bring U.S. Open Cup results into these weekly reviews, but, holy shit, did Houston need a bright spot this season. Also, how can anyone be against DaMarcus Beasley winning a trophy for the long road ahead? This had highlights and lowlights - Mauro Manotas’ slicing sprint through Philly’s flank and Aaron Trusty fucking burying an own goal, respectively.

Chicago Fire 3-1 Los Angeles FC

This looked like a slightly anomalous game - see the penalty kick Brandt Bronico drew, which looked slippery (did he lean into Steven Beitashour?) and legit at the same team - but Djordje Mihailovic did enough on his own (a goal and an assist) to make the win hold up. As for LAFC, this won’t help make those rumors of fragility go away.

Seattle Sounders 4-0 Colorado Rapids

I’ve been seeing Nico Lodeiro more often in Seattle’s highlights – and seeing more highlights from Seattle as a result. The assist he made on his way to the turf (Seattle’s fourth goal) shows a No. 10 busting his ass, but the Sounders’ swarming first goal better illustrates the great yawning gap between these two teams. Raul Ruidiaz was a good pick-up.

DC United 5-0 Montreal Impact

First, the box score shows how little DC owed good fortune for this one. That actual debt goes to Luciano Acosta and Wayne Rooney, who make a strong argument for the best attacking tandem in MLS right now (DC’s third goal gives a great example). Also, the succession of little things Rooney did right to score his first shows where he is (like the ballet, people), and Paul Arriola is what I want Dairon Asprilla to be. I can smell the sweaty panic in Montreal from here.

Columbus Crew SC 0-0 Philadelphia Union

Well, the rumors were true: the foul called on Cory Burke that invalidated Philly’s lone “goal” was some bullshit; C. J. Sapong missed their best chance besides that, a case of what’s new, sadly. Columbus’ best chance came late (Harrison Afful), but they passed on a real chance by dropping this game. The Union was on short rest and, I’m guessing, low spirits for this one. Both teams could’ve used the result, but they just muddled through.

Toronto FC 4-1 New England Revolution

Whatever went wrong for TFC this season, I wouldn’t put much of it on Sebastian Giovinco (he scored another beauty in this one). Had the Reds been able to play the Revs all season, who knows, y’know? As for New England, call it grim-to-fatal, something exemplified by the way ‘keeper Brad Knighton screwed up a second almost immediately after having prior screw-up erased. The highlights showed this period at the 62^nd minute where the Revs looked positively dizzy – and that feels like an accidental press release.

Minnesota United FC 2-1 New York City FC

Another fragile outing on the road for one of MLS’s glamour teams – and the way Minnesota’s second goal felt like dunking underlines (again) that haunting sense of fragility that whispers “NYCFC won’t do shit in 2018.” Credit where it’s due, Miguel Ibarra’s cross for the Loons first felt measured to the millimeter.

Houston Dynamo 3-2 San Jose Earthquakes

Just to note it, Tommy Thompson has started 40 games, and played in 90. He has one goal and four assists over that period. Crazy…still, he drew the PK that Chris Wondolowski buried. Hosuton would score the rest of the goals on the night, each of them with a touch of the pathetic, and, pffft. Both teams are done for 2018; for San Jose, it’s just piling on at this point.

Los Angeles Galaxy 3-0 Vancouver Whitecaps

Of all this week’s games, this one throws me the most. Up to last week, LA had staggered from one bust to the next; Vancouver, meanwhile, had managed to trace a broadly upward trajectory over that same period. So, what happened here? Between the final score and the box score (which favored the ‘Caps), individual talent made the difference. It’s annoying to admit, but Ibra is special.

Portland Timbers 0-0 FC Dallas

Feel free to check my extended notes for this achingly boring game, but this was more or less what you’d expect to happen when two teams with good defenses and limited attacks meet. The only shot I can remember fell to Christian Colman. Why, yes, he missed it. Portland needed the points more, but somehow managed to do less.

New York Red Bulls 2-0 Atlanta United FC

The titans clashed and one of them fell. It took the Red Bulls a couple attempts to get out of their own way, but they got their goals; just to mention, Atlanta will want to look into the second one they gave up. On that, no one seemed totally sure where to start the congratulations after that one, and there’s a bit of the beauty of socialism to that (aka, collective action/belief). Talent matters, but a good team dynamic buys you some things too.

Just to note it, the box score from this game looks an awful lot like both the weekend’s goal-less draws. A set of numbers will never show you how much more sharper New York looked than the other five teams involved. They drew two penalties, nearly three, and still got more shots on goal. And without Bradley Wright-Phillips.

Sporting Kansas City 1-1 Real Salt Lake

RSL’s goal was soft, but still: watch Corey Baird check his surroundings before making his run; and with Jefferson Savarino’s pass (who really looks like something at the moment)? Thing o’ beauty. There was some light Rimando’ing in between that and Ike Opara making up for falling down on his pooper earlier (then going one better with a perfectly-time tackle on Joao Plata), then there was still more Rimando’ing. This sure looked like a good game (but do note the shots SKC piled up)…

…at the same time, RSL found some very, very good chances. Pay attention, Portland.

IN

ATLANTA, 19-6-6, 63 points, 65 gf, 38 ga, (9-2-4 home, 10-4-2 away)

7-2-1; 22 gf, 14 ga, 3-0-1 at home; 4-2-0 away

Record v. IN: WWL

Record v. OUT: WDWLWW

Record v. Marginal: W

LAST 10/STATUS: If the Red Bulls manage to beat Philly two games from now, Atlanta’s final road game against Toronto could very well decide the Shield race. All the same, these guys should pick up six points over their next two games; a margin of error built on bad teams.

Games left: v NE, v CHI, @ TFC

W	W	D	W	W	L	W	W	W	L
v DC	@ MTL	v TFC	v CLB	@ ORL	@ DC	@ COL	@ SJ	v RSL	@ RB
3-1	2-1	2-2	3-1	2-1	1-3	3-0	4-3	2-0	0-2
O	M	O	I	O	O	O	O	I	I

RBNY, 19-7-5, 62 points, 57 gf, 32 ga (13-2-1 home, 6-5-4 away)

6-2-2, 16 gf, 12 ga, 5-1-0 at home, 1-1-2 away

Record v. IN: LWDDW

Record v. OUT: WW

Record v. Marginal: WWD

LAST 10/STATUS: No, the wins don’t get much bigger than that. It not only keeps the Red Bulls alive for the Shield, it plants a seed in the back of Atlanta’s head to boot. I’d still call it advantage Atlanta, but if there’s a team who could win all three of these remaining games, it’s New York.

Games left: @ SJ, @ PHI, v ORL

L	W	W	D	W	W	L	D	W	W
v CLB	v LAF	@ CHI	@ VAN	v DC	v HOU	@ MTL	@ DC	v TFC	v ATL
2-3	2-1	1-0	2-2	1-0	1-0	0-3	3-3	2-0	2-0
I	I	O	I	O	O	M	M	O	I

SKC, 15-8-7, 52 points, 55 gf, 37 ga (9-2-4 home, 6-6-3 away)

6-3-1, 17 gf, 10 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 3-2-0 away

Record v. IN: LWWLLD

Record v. OUT: WWWW

LAST 10/STATUS: After weeks of hyping SKC, it’s becoming hard to ignore its three-game trend against IN teams: LLD. While RSL has improved, neither they nor Philly scream “contender.” That casts a darker shadow over that trend; not even their next four games look the same, because that’s a lotta hungry team between Sporting and the playoffs.

Games left: v LAG, @ VAN, @ FCD, v LAF

L	W	W	W	W	L	W	W	L	D
v FCD	@ HOU	@ LAF	v POR	v MIN	@ SEA	v ORL	@ SJ	@ PHI	v RSL
2-3	1-0	2-0	3-0	2-0	1-3	1-0	5-1	0-2	1-1
I	O	I	I	O	I	O	O	I	I

PHILADELPHIA, 14-12-5, 47 points, 43 gf, 45 ga (8-5-2 home, 6-7-3 away)

6-2-2, 14 gf, 11 ga, 3-1-0 at home, 3-1-2 away

Record v. IN: LWWWD

Record v. OUT: WWD

Record v. Marginal: WL

LAST 10/STATUS: On the road at Columbus is tough enough, never mind with a sweaty, angst-ridden hangover (was that their third USOC final loss?) pulsing in their temples. The Union have a thorny end to its season, but enough of their positives have been recent to make six points out of that end-run feel reasonable.

Games left: v MIN, v NY, @ NYC

L	W	W	W	W	D	L	W	W	D
@ POR	@ NE	v NYC	v NE	@ DC	@ ORL	v MTL	@ SEA	v SKC	@ CLB
0-3	3-2	2-0	1-0	2-0	2-2	1-4	1-0	2-0	0-0
I	M	I	O	O	O	M	I	I	I

SEATTLE, 14-11-5, 47 points, 41 gf, 32 ga (8-5-2 home; 6-6-3 away)

8-2-0, 22 gf, 9 ga, 5-1-0 at home, 3-1-0 away

Record v. IN: WWWWWWL

Record v. OUT: WW

Record v. Marginal: L

LAST 10/STATUS: Sure, sure, the margin is eye-catching, but this wasn’t the Sounders getting “back on track,” but the Sounders “shoving a toddler into a ditch and laughing.” Still, they won when they had to, and their guys (e.g,. Lodeiro and Ruidiaz) keep showing up. And to share a sobering thought: Seattle has a very real chance of getting 12 points from that end-run.

Games left: v HOU, @ ORL, @ HOU, v SJ

W	W	W	W	W	W	W	L	L	W
v NYC	@ MIN	v FCD	v LA	@ POR	v SKC	@ VAN	v PHI	@ LA	v COL
3-1	2-1	2-1	5-0	1-0	3-1	2-1	0-1	0-3	4-0
I	O	I	I	I	I	I	I	M	O

DALLAS, 15-6-9, 54 points, 49 gf, 38 ga (9-1-5 home, 6-5-4 away)

4-3-3, 17 gf, 15 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 1-2-2 away

Record v. IN: WDWD

Record v. OUT: LLWDLW

LAST 10/STATUS: To repeat, and modify last week’s notes, they remain a well-organized team with some attacking ideas, and that can be enough. That said, I don’t think I gave enough thought to their remaining schedule – and it suddenly looks harder than it did. Orlando should be a beat-down, but there are paths to losing every other one of those last three games.

Games left: v ORL, @ DC, v SKC, @ COL

W	L	L	W	D	L	W	D	W	D
@SKC	v SJ	@ SEA	v MIN	@ HOU	@ SJ	v HOU	v CLB	@ VAN	@ POR
3-2	1-3	1-2	2-0	1-1	3-4	4-2	0-0	2-1	0-0
I	O	O	O	O	O	O	I	I	I

COLUMBUS, 13-9-9, 48 points, 39 gf, 38 ga (10-2-4 home, 3-7-5 away)

5-2-3, 15 gf, 13 ga, 4-0-1 at home, 1-2-2 away

Record v. IN: WLWDLD

Record v. OUT: WWDW

Record v. Marginal: [null set]

LAST 10/STATUS: First, it’s funny how going through a few other results sharpened my take on this one. This game handed Columbus a tired, deflated team, late in the season, and at home. And…goal-less draw? Really? Gaze at the terrible evenness of their overall record –the perfect balance between losses and draws, that tiny edge of goals for over goals against – and call this the most “Columbus” possible result. That’s not a compliment. Staggering into the post-season.

Games left: @ MTL, @ ORL, v MIN

W	W	W	L	D	W	D	L	W	D
v ORL	@ RB	v HOU	@ ATL	@ CHI	v NYC	@ FCD	@ POR	v COL	v PHI
3-2	3-2	1-0	1-3	1-1	2-1	0-0	2-3	2-1	0-0
O	I	O	I	O	I	I	I	O	I

LAFC, 14-8-8, 50 points, 58 gf, 46 ga (8-1-6 home, 6-7-2 away)

4-3-3, 16 gf, 13 ga, 2-1-3 at home, 1-2-1 away

Record v. IN: DLLWD

Record v. OUT: WWWL

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: If half a year of pouring over these numbers has taught me anything, it’s that 4-3-3 achieves escape velocity, but not much more. LAFC came into the weekend with an air of fragility about them, something losing to Chicago anywhere doesn’t dispel. That end-run should be relatively easy, and yet I can totally see them dropping over half those points.

Games left: @ COL, v HOU, v VAN, @ SKC

D	L	L	W	W	D	W	D	W	L
v LA	@ RB	v SKC	v RSL	v COL	@ LA	@ TFC	v NE	v SJ	@ CHI
2-2	1-2	0-2	2-0	2-0	1-1	4-2	1-1	2-0	1-3
I	I	I	I	O	I	O	M	O	O

RSL, 13-11-7, 46 points, 50 gf, 50 fa (10-1-4 home, 3-10-3 away)

4-2-4, 19 gf, 11 ga, 2-0-2 at home, 2-2-2 away

Record v. IN: LWLD

Record v. OUT: DWWWD

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: Call it better than your average draw, call it why the Timbers should gird their loins and cup their balls when they play RSL at the Rio Tinto. The starting gun on the race to stay ahead of the LA Galaxy officially starts Saturday. As much as the last three games have slowed the train rolling outta Utah, all these results make sense, and none of them are bad. If history holds, the teams should split their home-and-home series, then…?

Games left: v POR, v NE, @ POR

D	W	D	L	W	W	W	D	L	D
@ SJ	v CHI	v MTL	@ LAF	@ HOU	@ COL	v LA	v MIN	@ ATL	@ SKC
0-0	2-1	1-1	0-2	2-1	6-0	6-2	1-1	0-2	1-1
O	O	M	I	O	O	I	O	I	I

NYCFC, 15-9-8, 53 points, 55 gf, 41 ga (11-1-4 home; 4-8-4 away)

3-4-3, 13 gf, 14 ga, 1-1-2 at home, 2-3-1 away

Record v. IN: DL

Record v. OUT: WLWLWL

Record v. Marginal: DD

LAST 10/STATUS: This team has earned a grand total of 3 points of 12 from against any team that’s worth a damn (e.g., IN or Marginal), and they break even with their alleged “lessers.” Beating Chicago spared them some embarrassment, but this team crossed over into “soft” a while ago (again, HOW is Patrick Vieira leaving not a bigger story?). They already made the playoffs, and I can’t see a team that leaps them, but earning zero points between now and the end? Totally plausible.

Games left: @ DC, v PHI

W	L	D	W	L	L	D	D	W	L
@ ORL	@ SEA	v VAN	@ TFC	@ PHI	v NE	v DC	@ MTL	v CHI	@ MIN
2-0	1-3	2-2	3-2	0-2	0-1	1-1	1-1	2-0	1-2
O	O	I	O	I	O	M	M	O	O

PORTLAND, 13-9-9, 48 points, 46 gf, 45 ga (10-2-4 home, 3-7-5 away)

3-5-2, 12 gf, 14 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: LLWD

Record v. OUT: LWDWLL

LAST 10/STATUS: Fuck it, just call the Timbers “Columbus West.” Look, I scraped all the optimism I could muster, dumped it into a bowl and smoked it, and this was the most positive take I could come up with. This team is actively vulnerable at this point.

Games left: @ RSL, v RSL, @ VAN

L	L	L	W	D	W	L	W	L	D
@ DC	@SKC	v SEA	v TFC	@ NE	v COL	@ HOU	v CLB	@ MIN	v FCD
1-4	0-3	0-1	2-0	1-1	2-0	1-4	3-2	2-3	0-0
O	I	I	O	O	O	O	I	O	I

MARGINAL

DC UNITED, 10-11-8, 38 points, 53 gf , 48 ga (9-2-2 home, 1-9-6 away)

6-2-2, 23 gf, 12 ga; 6-1-1 at home, 0-1-1 away

Record v. IN: WLLWDD

Record v. OUT: WW

Record v. Marginal: WW

LAST 10/STATUS: Does anyone question whether they’re now entirely back within the conversation? They can effectively leap-frog Montreal with a home win against Chicago next weekend. They’ve got a tough middle passage after that, even at home, then a wild card, but the numbers speak for themselves: 10 points from that end-run isn’t unrealistic.

Games left: v CHI, v FCD, v TFC, v NYC, @ CHI

W	W	W	L	L	W	D	W	D	W
v ORL	v POR	v NE	@ RB	v PHI	v ATL	@ NYC	v MIN	v RB	v MTL
3-2	4-1	2-0	0-1	0-2	3-1	1-1	2-1	3-3	5-0
O	I	M	I	I	I	I	O	I	M

LA GALAXY, 12-11-8, 44 points, 60 gf, 59 ga (8-4-4 home, 4-7-4 away)

3-4-3, 21 gf, 26 ga, 3-0-3 at home, 0-4-0 away

Record v. IN: LDLW

Record v. OUT: WLDDLW (moved Vancouver this week)

LAST 10/STATUS: Consecutive 3-0 wins against quality teams (or Vancouver), even when played at home, should hold people’s attention till next weekend. They have a MAJOR test in their next game, but even one point out of that one sets them up for a run at the West’s final spot.

Games left: @SKC, @ MIN, v HOU

W	L	D	D	L	D	L	L	W	W
v ORL	@ COL	v MIN	v COL	@ SEA	v LAF	@ RSL	@ TFC	v SEA	v VAN
4-3	1-2	2-2	2-2	0-5	1-1	2-6	3-5	3-0	3-0
O	O	O	O	I	I	I	O	I	O

MONTREAL, 12-15-4, 40 points, 42 gf, 52 ga (9-4-2 home, 3-11-2 away)

3-3-4, 15 gf, 19 ga, 2-1-2 at home, 1-2-2 away

Record v. IN: DLDWW

Record v. OUT: DWL

Record v. “Marginal”: L (I’m expecting an upgrade on DC next week)

LAST 10/STATUS: “I’ll keep a closer eye on the away game to DC; if the guards are gonna change, that feels more like the game that’s do it.” Yep, changed it, and how. The battle for the last playoff spot in the Eastern Conference has officially become a dog-fight, mostly with two dogs in it. So, it’s DC v. Montreal. And I think Montreal is in trouble.

Games left: v CLB, v TFC, @ NE

W	D	L	D	D	W	L	W	W	D
v SJ	@ POR	v ATL	v DC	@ RSL	v CHI	@ TFC	v RB	@ PHI	v NYC
2-0	2-2	1-2	1-1	1-1	2-1	1-3	3-0	4-1	1-1
O	I	I	O	I	O	O	I	I	I

OUT

VANCOUVER, 11-12-7, 40 points, 47 gf, 59 ga (6-4-5 home, 5-8-2 away)

4-4-2, 17 gf, 19 ga, 2-2-1 at home, 2-2-1 away

Record v. IN: LWWW

Record v. OUT: DWDLL

Record v. Marginal: L

NOTES: “At the same time, do note where they’re getting their wins (e.g., versus OUT teams).” I’ve quoted myself on Vancouver for three straight weeks now, but it’s proven accurate: the ‘Caps imploded once they started playing the league’s better teams. With the rest of that schedule, I don’t see a road back for them…though they could help TFC back in…

Games left: @ TFC, v SKC, @ LAF, v POR

L	W	D	W	D	W	W	L	L	L
@ SEA	v MIN	@ NYC	@ POR	v RB	@ SJ	v SJ	v SEA	v FCD	@ LAG
0-2	4-2	2-2	2-1	2-2	3-2	2-1	1-2	1-2	0-3
O	O	I	I	I	O	O	I	I	M

MINNESOTA, 11-16-3, 36 points, 45 gf, 58 ga (10-4-1 home, 1-12-2 away)

3-5-2, 16 gf, 19 ga, 3-1-0 at home, 0-4-2 away

Record v. IN: WLDLLDWW

Record v. OUT: [null set]

Record v. Marginal: LL

LAST 10/STATUS: Just to note it, if you’ve got Minnesota at home anywhere in your final games of 2018 (Colorado…shit, who cares? But, OH, the LA Galaxy!), I’m not sure I’d write that down as even one point. On the plus side, you’ll get yours, Colorado. Final game of the season.

Games left: @ PHI, v COL, v LA, @ COL

W	L	L	D	L	L	L	D	W	W
v LAF	@ VAN	v SEA	@ LA	@ FCD	@ SKC	@ DC	@ RSL	v POR	v NYC
5-1	2-4	1-2	2-2	0-2	0-2	1-2	1-1	3-2	2-1
I	I	M	I	I	I	M	I	I	I

CHICAGO, 8-16-7, 31 points, 46 gf, 57 ga (6-7-3 home, 2-9-4 away)

2-6-2, 13 gf, 16 ga, 2-2-1 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: LDLW

Record v. OUT: LLW

Record v. Marginal: LLD

LAST 10/STATUS: Arguably on its best run of the season, only several weeks too late. And yet they’re not irrelevant, seeing how much they control DC United’s fate. As much as DC has the upper hand….do they?

Games left: @ DC, @ ATL, v DC

L	L	L	L	L	D	W	D	L	W
v TFC	@ TFC	@ RSL	v RB	@ MTL	v CLB	v ORL	@ NE	@ NYC	v LAF
1-2	0-3	1-2	0-1	1-2	1-1	4-0	2-2	0-2	3-1
O	O	M	I	M	I	O	M	I	I

HOUSTON, 9-13-8, 35 points, 50 gf, 45 ga (8-5-3 home, 1-8-5 away)

2-6-2, 12 gf, 15 ga, 2-2-1 at home, 0-4-1 away

Record v. IN: LLLLDLLW

Record v. OUT: DW

LAST 10/STATUS: I’ve already cheered their USOC Cup victory above, but, with the hopes they had for a better 2018, it’s good to see them end on a high note. They’ve got some home mojo left, only without having a lot of home games left. (I’ll slip ‘em $5 if they trip of Seattle.)

Games left: @ SEA, @ LAF, v SEA, @ LAG

L	L	L	L	D	L	L	W	D	W
@ POR	v SKC	@ CLB	v RSL	v FCD	@ RB	@ FCD	v POR	@ ORL	v SJ
1-2	0-1	0-1	1-2	1-1	0-1	2-4	4-1	0-0	3-2
I	I	I	I	I	I	I	I	O	O

TORONTO, 9-15-6, 33 points, 54 gf, 58 ga (7-6-2 home, 2-9-4 away)

4-4-2, 20 gf, 19 ga, 4-2-0 at home, 0-2-2 away

Record v. IN: DLLLL

Record v. OUT: WDW (moved the Revs this week)

Record v. Marginal: WW

LAST 10/STATUS: Suddenly interesting, but how many weeks too late? All the same, they’re in a place where it wouldn’t feel great to see them on the schedule.

Games left: v VAN, @ DC, @ MTL, v ATL

W	D	L	D	W	L	L	W	L	W
v CHI	@ ATL	v NYC	@ SJ	v MTL	@ POR	v LAF	v LA	@ RB	v NE
3-0	2-2	2-3	1-1	3-1	0-2	2-4	5-3	0-2	4-1
O	I	I	O	M	I	I	M	I	O

NEW ENGLAND, 8-11-11, 35 points, 44 gf, 49ga (6-4-5 home, 2-7-6 away)

1-5-4, 10 gf, 20 ga, 0-1-2 at home, 1-4-2 away

Record v. IN: LLLDWD

Record v. OUT: DLDL

LAST 10/STATUS: Losing to TFC, and that badly, slaps the postage on their ride to Hell. I give ‘em four points at most over their final four games.

Games left: @ ATL, v ORL, @ RSL, v MTL

L	D	L	L	L	D	W	D	D	L
@ RB	@ ORL	v PHI	@ DC	@ PHI	v POR	@ NYC	@ LAF	v CHI	@ TFC
0-2	3-3	2-3	0-2	0-1	1-1	0-1	1-1	2-2	1-4
I	O	I	O	I	I	I	I	O	O

COLORADO, 6-18-6, 24 points, 32 gf, 59 ga (5-7-3 home, 1-11-3 away)

2-7-1, 8 gf, 27 ga, 2-2-0 at home, 0-5-1 away

Record v. IN: WDLLLLLL

Record v. OUT: LW

LAST 10/STATUS: Absolutely falling apart on the defensive side - and that’s your story of collapse.

Games left: v LAF, @ MIN, @ SJ, v FCD

L	W	W	D	L	L	L	L	L	L
@ DC	v LAG	v SJ	@ LAG	@ LAF	v RSL	@ POR	v ATL	@ CLB	@ SEA
1-2	2-1	2-1	2-2	0-2	0-6	0-2	0-3	1-2	0-4
O	I	O	I	I	I	I	I	I	I

ORLANDO, 7-18-4, 25 points, 40 gf, 66 ga (5-6-4 home, 2-11-0 away)

0-7-3, 13 gf, 24 ga, 0-2-3 at home, 0-5-0 away

Record v. IN: LLLLDL

Record v. OUT: LLD

Record v. Marginal: D

LAST 10/STATUS: They had a bye week, and no one noticed…fun fact: they’d have to win every game, recover 16 goals in their differential (but they wouldn’t struggle with scoring more goals), and have Montreal’s first team die en masse in order to make the playoffs, and that only goes to show the absurdities we embrace “mathematically.” To make a wager, I give them 5 points total from their remaining schedule.

Games left: v HOU, @ FCD, @ NE, v SEA, v CLB, @ NY

L	L	L	D	L	L	D	L	L	D
@ CLB	v NYC	@ LAG	v NE	@ DC	v ORL	v PHI	@ SKC	@ CHI	v HOU
2-3	0-2	3-4	3-3	2-3	1-2	2-2	0-1	0-4	0-0
I	I	I	M	O	I	I	I	O	O

SAN JOSE, 4-19-8, 20 points, aka, fucked and stuck, 47 gf, 66 ga (2-8-5 home, 2-11-3 away)

2-7-1, 18 gf, 27 ga, 2-3-1 at home, 0-4-0 away

Record v. IN: WLWLLLL

Record v. OUT: LDL

Record v. Marginal: [null set]

LAST 10/STATUS: Beyond ugly at this point. Broken, and with nothing to play for except fucking with Seattle in the final game of the season. And they will be all the way motherfucking up for that one. All the same, a piteous season for Chris Wondolowski. Yeah, I still care.

Games left: v NY, v COL, @ SEA

W	L	D	L	W	L	L	L	L	L
v FCD	@ COL	v TFC	v VAN	v FCD	@ VAN	v SKC	v ATL	@ LAF	@ HOU
3-1	1-2	1-1	2-3	4-3	1-2	1-5	3-4	0-2	2-3
I	O	O	I	I	I	I	I	I	O

That’s it. You can pull off the nipple clamps now.

I liked that closing enough to keep it up. I just wanted to say, thanks to anyone who read this, and I’m working on tightening up the format. Bear with me.