 |
| Simple, basic. What was missing. |
There is nothing to take from that but total failure. The Portland Timbers' 0-5 loss at Houston Dynamo FC was the eternal audition for the not-ready-for-prime-time players, only without the happy ending. It is not worthy of anything but derision and talking points.
Screed the Firste
Portland’s midfield spent the entire damn night behind the ball. Problems abounded all over the field – the Timbers arrived late to every challenge and played a step behind every pass Houston played, which very likely followed from the fact that damn near every Timber spent all night looking like nobody pointed to their marks (hold that thought, close) – but Houston got players behind the Portland’s midfield all goddamn night. It. Was. A. Disaster.
Screed the Seconde
Cristhian Paredes played high for the first 60+ second of the game and...just why? What requirement did that respond to? What was he doing up there besides wandering around like a child lost at a Target. Had he moved around with the purpose of a kid scoring free samples at a Costco, maybe. But that?
Excuse the Firste
Growing pains. I get it. My voice cracked in ridiculous and embarrassing ways too.
The Timbers had new players in key positions, and it showed. I’m talking like underwear affected by black light under a sheer white bathrobe (picture this on a man. C’mon, this is a family blog; and, shockingly, there's no google image for this). I don’t believe I ever grokked the actual formation (ehhh, mabye?) beyond thinking “why is Paredes way up there,” but new-kid Bryan Acosta looked somewhere near as lost with regard to his special purpose on the field tonight as Miguel Araujo did – i.e., fucking miles into the woods, with neither food, water nor compass, and a total aversion to roughing it a la Bear Grylles (sp? fuck it).
Screed the Firste
Portland’s midfield spent the entire damn night behind the ball. Problems abounded all over the field – the Timbers arrived late to every challenge and played a step behind every pass Houston played, which very likely followed from the fact that damn near every Timber spent all night looking like nobody pointed to their marks (hold that thought, close) – but Houston got players behind the Portland’s midfield all goddamn night. It. Was. A. Disaster.
Screed the Seconde
Cristhian Paredes played high for the first 60+ second of the game and...just why? What requirement did that respond to? What was he doing up there besides wandering around like a child lost at a Target. Had he moved around with the purpose of a kid scoring free samples at a Costco, maybe. But that?
Excuse the Firste
Growing pains. I get it. My voice cracked in ridiculous and embarrassing ways too.
The Timbers had new players in key positions, and it showed. I’m talking like underwear affected by black light under a sheer white bathrobe (picture this on a man. C’mon, this is a family blog; and, shockingly, there's no google image for this). I don’t believe I ever grokked the actual formation (ehhh, mabye?) beyond thinking “why is Paredes way up there,” but new-kid Bryan Acosta looked somewhere near as lost with regard to his special purpose on the field tonight as Miguel Araujo did – i.e., fucking miles into the woods, with neither food, water nor compass, and a total aversion to roughing it a la Bear Grylles (sp? fuck it).
 |
| Science and math combine to oppose these odds... |
Excuse the Seconde (Which Pertaineth Exclusively to the Coaching Staff)
You can wave away Houston’s first as a goal gifted by Claudio Bravo’s errant foot, and you can chalk their second to a failure to understand that Houston had not signed on to the informal agreement by which the Portland Timbers had unilaterally committed to “easing into” the game, butthe third and the fourth? Any and all Timbers players who could have done anything to stop what quickly turned into total carnage and/or abject humiliation checked out on both goals. That is not on the coach.
Screed The Thirde
Everything else was on the coach. That was a fucking full-stop disaster. A crash, burn, light it on fire, dip it in shit, then light it on fire, then dip it in shit, to get literally anything right. The opening 45 minutes may very well have been the worst half of a bad season.
Screed the Fourthe
With a large nod to the reality that he had dick to work with, Evander got caught on the ball far too many times tonight, and too much of it was doing pointless, cutesy shit. As much as I hate the word “urgency,” sometimes that boils down to doing the good simple thing before taking the 30 steps prior to pulling a talking rabbit out of your ass.
Screed the Fifthe
With Dairon Asprilla, Yimmi Chara and Franck Boli lined up in the front three, Portland came as close as they have all season to playing their ideal starters. Not one of them made much of the rare ball that found them.
Screed the Sixthe, the Big One
I’m going with the total lack of hope. Portland’s attacking subs included a once-star player in his twilight years recovering from a devastating injury (Sebastian Blanco), a once-star player recovering from a devastating injury (Felipe Mora), and a player who takes a whole goddamn village to fulfill his job description (Jaroslaw Niezgoda). And I'll be damned if that doesn't look more like playing an inside straight with each passing week and a shrinking window to punching a ticket to the post-season.
Bummer the Firste
Niezgoda got injured. It looked bad. Despite the “whole goddamn village” jab above, the Timbers need all the attacking talent they can get.
The bottom line, at least for me, Portland’s game-plan sucked tonight, the formation might have been worse, and the players lit the plan on fire and sold it to the enemy before it even got implemented. Wipe it from your mind, self-medicate as needed and forget it ever happened.
Gods willing the players and/or staff does the same. Only the coaching staff should stop forgetting the failures stat. Something’s wrong and, whatever you think of feel about the injuries, it’s the coaching staff’s job to fix it in the here and now.
Fin.
You can wave away Houston’s first as a goal gifted by Claudio Bravo’s errant foot, and you can chalk their second to a failure to understand that Houston had not signed on to the informal agreement by which the Portland Timbers had unilaterally committed to “easing into” the game, butthe third and the fourth? Any and all Timbers players who could have done anything to stop what quickly turned into total carnage and/or abject humiliation checked out on both goals. That is not on the coach.
Screed The Thirde
Everything else was on the coach. That was a fucking full-stop disaster. A crash, burn, light it on fire, dip it in shit, then light it on fire, then dip it in shit, to get literally anything right. The opening 45 minutes may very well have been the worst half of a bad season.
Screed the Fourthe
With a large nod to the reality that he had dick to work with, Evander got caught on the ball far too many times tonight, and too much of it was doing pointless, cutesy shit. As much as I hate the word “urgency,” sometimes that boils down to doing the good simple thing before taking the 30 steps prior to pulling a talking rabbit out of your ass.
Screed the Fifthe
With Dairon Asprilla, Yimmi Chara and Franck Boli lined up in the front three, Portland came as close as they have all season to playing their ideal starters. Not one of them made much of the rare ball that found them.
Screed the Sixthe, the Big One
I’m going with the total lack of hope. Portland’s attacking subs included a once-star player in his twilight years recovering from a devastating injury (Sebastian Blanco), a once-star player recovering from a devastating injury (Felipe Mora), and a player who takes a whole goddamn village to fulfill his job description (Jaroslaw Niezgoda). And I'll be damned if that doesn't look more like playing an inside straight with each passing week and a shrinking window to punching a ticket to the post-season.
Bummer the Firste
Niezgoda got injured. It looked bad. Despite the “whole goddamn village” jab above, the Timbers need all the attacking talent they can get.
The bottom line, at least for me, Portland’s game-plan sucked tonight, the formation might have been worse, and the players lit the plan on fire and sold it to the enemy before it even got implemented. Wipe it from your mind, self-medicate as needed and forget it ever happened.
Gods willing the players and/or staff does the same. Only the coaching staff should stop forgetting the failures stat. Something’s wrong and, whatever you think of feel about the injuries, it’s the coaching staff’s job to fix it in the here and now.
Fin.
No comments:
Post a Comment