Los Angeles FC Scouting Report, Hatred, Contempt & Gambling

Better at soccer, honestly...

I couldn’t get myself up for another deep dive into Los Angeles FC. Don't blame me. Blame the twits at Major League Soccer HQ, who forgot the adage about familiarity breeding contempt…

…related, LAFC fans have a lively persecution complex about everyone else in the league giving them short shrift and hating on them generally.

Some Basics
And…hey, it turns out I never actually previewed LAFC due to a mini-vacation earlier this month (#worth it), so may as well lay it all out. They currently sit on at 7th in MLS’s Western Conference on a 3-3-3 record, with a tight goal differential (+1), on the right side of average (11.3) for goals scored (15) and the wrong side of average for goals allowed (14). They boast a decent unbeaten record at home (3-0-2), which is all that matters for now because that’s where the Timbers will play them on Saturday (side note, they’re 0-3-1 on the road, which means Portland (or the ref that day, Rubiel Vazquez) gave them their first road point of 2024).

The Lineup
Head coach Steve Cherundolo lines them up in a 4-3-3 (like this one) as if he cannot do otherwise and the personnel remained stable through every game until last weekend’s draw v Red Bull New York when started Mateusz Bogusz over Eduard Atuesta in midfield for reasons I couldn’t sort out without getting into...lore, I guess. The back four typically features (left to right) Ryan Hollingshead, Aaron Long, (Timbers’ fans prime villain from the last match-up) Jesus Murillo, and Sergi Palencia. The usual midfield line-up has Tim Tillman and Atuesta on either side of famous car tire spokesman, Ilie Sanchez, while the front three has most often seen (again, left to right) Cristian Olivera, Bogusz and Denis Bouanga.

Another change in last week’s lineup: once and former New York City FC defender Maxime Chanot started in Murillo’s stead (I see something about a knock in Ye Olde Unreliable Availability Report) and, for what it’s worth, he looked something like incredible, dude can play, etc.

Columbus Crew SC 2-2 Portland Timbers: I'm Beginning to See the Light, Here it Comes, Woo-Oooh-Oooh

Here it fucking comes....

I don’t believe in moral victories, as a rule, and I’m not going to take that route for this review. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that the Portland Timbers didn’t play a damn good and wonderfully entertaining game tonight. In fact, the fact they punched even with, for all their present faults and fatigue, a consensus-best team in MLS raises Portland’s 2-2 draw at Columbus Crew SC into disappointment territory. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, etc.

Going the other way, consider how disappointed Columbus fans feel tonight and, to float a guess I may or may not confirm the The Massive subreddit tomorrow, how flaming pissed they are at everyone’s favorite ref, Ted “Drunk” Unkel. In a press conference after the Timbers’ frustrating home draw against Los Angeles FC last weekend (who's ready for the encore?), head coach Phil Neville voiced some hope that calls would break his team’s way over the run of the season. I’m not saying that process tilted toward justice tonight, I’m not saying I care, I only know Felipe Mora either had more time on the ball tonight or he got the call when he got knocked down (if by sleight of body, here and there). After that, Unkel called the usual game that only he sees through whatever contacts he’s wearing…like a goddamn random number generator with a pocket full of reds and yellows, I tell you…

Most and best of all the things about tonight’s game, yes, Roman gladiator guy, I was entertained. Both teams rewarded their fans with two top-shelf goals a piece – more on that later – the game had a lively one-team-giveth-the-other-taketh-away tension, and, typing strictly as a homer, the Timbers played their second solid game in a row. It’s not showing in the standings – hello(!), 11th in the West – and I hope to see the Timbers get all three points next week at LAFC with the desperate fervor of a 10-year-old battling against all the odds and even more doubts that the Tooth Fairy still pays a fiver-per-tooth, but I’m closer to believing the Timbers have a competitive team than I’ve been since that little flutter of hope the Timbers had during Miles Joseph’s short, interim reign. Hell, I’m willing to shout that all the way back to 2021.

To their credit, Portland exceeded the broadly conservative approach I laid out in my scouting report. Even better, they granted my wish for more robust defending over an opening 20-25 minutes that saw them go up 1-0 on top of frustrating the bejesus out of the Crew.

Columbus Crew SC Scouting Report: We Have Seen the Enemy and All I Can Say Is...Shit.

Yes, that is Wilfred Nancy.

Full disclosure, I haven’t spent much time on Columbus Crew SC this season. Didn’t see the point. They’ve been getting results…until recently (but they also got arguably the biggest result) and the roster remains…stacked. At any rate, I have done some scouting and here is my report.

Some Basics

Columbus currently sits at fourth in the Eastern Conference (7th overall, fwiw) on 13 points and a 3-1-4 record. They remain stoutly unbeaten at home (3-0-1) and stubborn on the road (0-1-3; also, the loss at Charlotte FC has been dismissed as, in a word, bullshit) and boast one of the deepest and, currently, healthiest top-to-bottom roster in MLS and, in Wilfred Nancy, they have a head coach that gets the neutrals drooling. One can’t really blame the local fans for being content to the point of cockiness…and yet there are some questions.

They’re winless over the past four league games and arguably dropping points when they shouldn’t e.g., at Charlotte (loss), at a badly-hurting Nashville SC (a draw), and, insofar as you buy them, v DC United (draw). If you dig in a little deeper, you see a fall-off from 2023’s killer attacking pace of 1.97 goals/game; with just 10 goals scored in league play all season, they’re puttering around at 1.25 goals/game and, if you hit the link about contentment above, you’ll see creeping concerns that things ain’t the same without Cucho Hernandez. Then again, most signs point to him returning to the lineup after a wee suspension for some kind of tomfoolery.

The Lineup(s)

Unless I’m mistaken, Nancy has yet to deviate from a 3-4-2-1 formation, even when he rotates the squad dizzy as he did last week at Real Salt Lake. Were I a betting man – which I’m not, on the grounds that me putting money on anything means the opposite will happen – I’d expect Columbus to play the same lineup they did for their March 10 game against Chicago.

Portland Timbers 2-2 Los Angeles FC: A Meditation on Cherry-Flavored Cough Syrup

This image was called "cuddling a cow," also, yes!

Thus endeth another case study in what might have been. The game turned on a justified red card to Portland Timbers goalkeeper, Maxime Crepeau (it sure looked like Claudio Bravo kept Los Angeles FC’s Denis Bouanga onside; more on him later), and all it took from there was Mateusz Bogusz’s 51st (damn good) minute free-kick to lead to Solomon splitting the baby at one point a piece. Not much happened between there and the final whistle, if with one exception.

The Timbers got lucky to escape with the 2-2 draw because Nathan Ordaz committed no crime ahead of what looked like a last-gasp winner for LAFC. I’m a good partisan and, as such, I don’t blow air into the cow’s nose when it doesn’t shit in my living room, or however that saying goes. To put that another way, Portland may have got lucky on that one call, but they made their luck otherwise and that feels like an improvement over several of the games I’ve seen so far this season. Also, who invited the fucking cow?

If I had to name the most maddening element of the Timbers 2024 season, it follows from the fact that every result comes loaded with too many caveats to make sense of where things stand with them. Today, it was the red card, but it has been playing from a hole measured by one to three goals in earlier outings. This game provided the usual divide of positives and negatives – and I’ll get to some of them (jetlagged AF, honestly) – but my biggest personal positive comes from the Timbers going up, first, 1-0, then 2-1 on two…respectable goals from open play. I’m shading both of those, and for reasons I’ll get into, but, all in all, today’s draw might have been the Timbers most complete game of 2024.

If you’re with me, let’s run over this hill screaming! Aaaauugggghhhhh!!

The Portland Timbers, at My (First) Break of 2024

It's early and the outcome is uncertain.

Between being 24+ hours late and a lack of inspiration, I never got around to posting something on the Portland Timbers’ 2-3 loss to the Vancouver Whitecaps. On the whole, that loss borrowed details from the handful of games that came before – e.g., the borderline paralytic slow start called back to the loss at New York City FC and, with a nod to the home loss to the Philadelphia Union, Portland's defense found fresh, new ways to give up stupid goals. The only thing missing was the failure to put away good chances that pissed away the piteous road loss at Houston Dynamo FC.

With that in mind – and because I’m taking the next week off - of which, damn the timing, because the road game at Sporting Kansas City strikes me as the most important game of this young season – I wanted to put a pin in where things stand for the Timbers in…let’s call them the teenage years of the 2024 MLS season.

To start, I see these as the dominant questions facing the team:

1) Defensive Boners. (That’s right, I called ‘em boners.) The Timbers gave up six goals over the past two games. Each revealed a unique flaw in Portland’s defense, depending on how you held it to the cold, hard light of a slow-motion replay, but, to skip the metaphors and put it bluntly: giving up even two goals hobbles a team to limping; giving up three is the soccer equivalent of a death wish. It just has to improve. Like next weekend.

2) Will Portland’s Real Midfield Please Stand Up? Because I live and participate on the Timbers subreddit, I hereby acknowledge that plenty of Timbers fans hold a version of Portland’s midfield in their head that is both ideal and available to play. More or less. (How is Eryk, btw?) I’m taking the fact that multiple candidates exist as evidence that the question of the ideal midfield has not yet been settled. I can’t name one myself, I just know that my best current midfield has some game-wrecking teeth in it…which means, sure, I’d try to start Cristhian Paredes and David Ayala, or even keep starting Diego Chara and experiment with those two as second-half subs. The bigger issue revolves around…

MLS Week 6 Review, an Early Assessment of the Standings

EXTREME Seal Experience was the best I could do...

Between nearly every team in Major League Soccer having five to six games in the bank (Don's Golden Boys, Miami, have seven), a week off coming up for me, and another so-so self-destructive game by my Portland Timbers this past weekend (and should that read “so, so destructive” or “so-so, destructive”?), I’ve decided to use this Week 6 review to take stock of where things are all round. As for the point of it all, it comes from a thought exercise around where Portland fits into the big picture of the Western Conference – i.e., how much room for experimentation/failure they’ve got. The same exercise should work the same for your local team, too, so I went nuts and fleshed out some data for the Eastern Conference as well.

I think the format and information speaks for itself. Every team in the league is listed below and blurbed over in the order of the present standings, along with their record and top-level statistics. The next line talks about how closely I’ve watched the given team this season – there, G = watching a 50+ minutes of a game plus checking the box score and H = reviewing the highlights and checking the box score – and, as you’ll see, I ignore multiple games entirely (they’re not paying me, I’m getting too old for this shit; now picture me swinging on a vine with an explosion in the background). The final section in each blurb gives a vague, overall impression of the team I’m what I’m basing it on.

With that, time to dig in, starting with the…

Western Conference

1st - Los Angeles Galaxy

Facts: 12 pts., 3-0-3, 13 gf, 9 ga (+4), Home 1-0-2, Away 2-0-1

How Well I Know Them: HGHGG (i.e., two highlights reviews and three game reviews)

The Overall Impression: Balanced, capable, and they’ve got a third-hand kind of attack to throw the punch you can’t see coming: everything I’ve seen and read treats the Galaxy as legit. To anyone arguing they haven’t played a tough schedule, I’d counter with everything looks tough to a team that’s missed the playoffs four of the past six seasons. Barring traumatic injury [Ed. – NOTE: Read this though into literally every entry below.], the Galaxy may not finish this high, but they look like a great bet to finish high – i.e., the top 3.

Vancouver Whitecaps Scouting Report: What to Do When You're Expecting a Land War in Asia

Imagine him running to you in a field of wildflowers.

Why not? Let’s see if we can’t get things entirely wrong for the third straight week…

Some Basics

The Vancouver Whitecaps got off to an impressive 2-1-1- start in 2024, if with the curiosity of both wins came on the road – and with impressive goal differentials too (3-1 at FC Dallas and 2-0 at the San Jose Earthquakes; also, yes, both team tripped out of the gate). Home games have been less kind, yielding just one point from a home game against Charlotte FC and and bupkiss against Real Salt Lake just last weekend. Vanni Sartini has committed to a 3-4-3 throughout, if with variations, but he hasn’t been on the sidelines until (checks watch) this weekend. Maybe that gives them a boost, maybe it doesn’t; I just know I’m pulling for the latter.

On the numbers side, they’re holding steady at one goal allowed per game and pushing two goals for, but, again, the goals haven’t come at home, which, to be fair, could be nothing more complicated than playing tougher teams at home than they have on the road.

Some familiar names remain in the lineup – e.g., Ryan Gauld, of course, and who doesn’t know the man who’s played for every team in MLS by now, Fafa Picault – but there’s a real possibility that another familiar name, Brian White, will sit this one out in concussion protocol. That would be a tragedy for one of MLS’s great everyman players, if it comes to that, but it would be a timely let off for the Timbers? To anyone looking for why that is, I give you Exhibit A, aka, his assist on Vancouver’s lone goal against RSL. Speaking of…

The Review

I have a little more to work with in terms of how the ‘Caps have scored goals in 2024 and crosses, and approaching wide in general, look like the most popular paths. They commit numbers when they do go forward, loading the box with as many as five players and even sending in a sixth for good measure (see here), so Portland’s midfielders need to stay frosty on those late runs. Fortunately, that plays to one of Portland’s strengths, aka, Zac McGraw who bosses the aerial game like few players in MLS. It doesn’t eliminate it by any stretch, Vancouver can always play the ball where he isn’t, but that’s a decent plus to have in the back pocket.

MLS Week 5: Surprises, Pleasant and Unpleasant

Do, or eat, the things that make you happy.

Grand Narrative

First, we’re in the magical time on Major League Soccer’s calendar when nearly every team can talk themselves into believing they’ve got a shot at something better than last season. Hell, they’ve got Minnesota United FC as a live example. That has a lot of teams playing wide open and I love that like Paula Dean loves butter!

Some teams play open and wild and don't go far as they'd like – I’d lump Chicago Fire FC and, if they had any other way of playing besides pedal-to-the-metal, I’d go with DC United and St. Louis CITY FC – and, on the flip side of the same token, that’s why you’re seeing some hot names from 2023 continuing to smolder in 2024, aka, the Ohio teams, aka, FC Cincinnati, Columbus Crew SC. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some surprises, pleasant and unpleasant – beyond Minnesota, you’ve got Red Bull New York, Toronto FC, and a rejuvenated Los Angeles Galaxy team on the pleasant side, and Inter Miami CF on the unpleasant side, because fuck those guys – but I’m still seeing at lot of the usual suspects careening this way and that in the demolition derby already taking shape in the middle of the table.

Even so, the biggest surprises arguably lurk at the bottom of both conferences. I mean, yes, of course you have the San Jose Earthquakes and Austin FC in their natural state (sucking wind, lagging behind), but dream of the riches you’d see had you bet anyone that the Seattle Sounders and New England Revolution would be at the bottom of their respective conferences and playing like they’ll be rooted there for some time.

That’s it for the preamble, only the round-up remains. I believe the format explains itself with the exception of the symbols you’ll see after each result below (all of which include a link to The Mothership’s game summary for the relevant match). Here those are:

* more or less skipped it, coasting on the fumes of past impressions.

(H) – I watched the highlights and checked the box score to update the opinion.

({Numbers]) – those represent the parts of the full game I watched, before raiding the box score.

Portland Timbers 1-3 Philadelphia Union: The Tale of a Stubborn Middle Block

Or maybe just lost in suburban Philadelphia.

The Portland Timbers new DP forward, Jonathan Rodriguez, nodded home a flawless header late in last night’s game. His movement in response to the cross bears noting, because he kept his run on Olivier Mbaizo’s blind-side and timed his attack on the ball to, more or less, go through Mbaizo’s back. Despite being with the team less than a week, Rodriguez’s made smart runs and found useful pockets of space throughout the game. Encouraging stuff, in other words, so maybe hold that in your head as you read the rest of this, because it won’t be gentle reading.

I didn’t worry too much about the first goal the Portland Timbers gave up last night. On the hand, sure, one of the talking points from my scouting report on the Philadelphia Union was “Set Pieces, Set Pieces, Set Pieces” and the Timbers' response in that moment was “excuse me, what was that talking point again?” followed by “oh, shit!” On the other hand, it had a “shit happens” feel to it in real time and, maddening as it was to review the tape and see the defense leaving Julian Carranza unmarked in the heart of the area, Portland had just wrapped a good attacking moment on the other end five minutes prior – incidentally, one that featured Rodriguez finding a great spot on a recycled cross. He hit the post on that one...ah, what might have been...

A vague doughty optimism held, not just for me, but among the people around me in the stands up to the point when Philadelphia scored their second goal. It was at that point that a collective understanding that something was Very Wrong took hold. As an aside, I have missed the mob mentality one can only get from catching a game live; nothing like having the hive-mind buzzing in your ear for 90+ minutes…

The game ended 1-3 to Philadelphia and under a cloud of numb disappointment. That followed less from anything that happened during the game, than from the overall framing of the game. Again, the Union played this game without several key players – e.g., Daniel Gazdag, Jose Martinez, even Jack McGlynn(?) – and barely enough in reserve to populate the bench. That felt like big enough news that it counted as a major premise of my scouting report…so maybe that overall framing was a mix of delusion and hubris?

Philadelphia Union Scouting Report: A Tale of Fatigue, Potential Underperformance & Absences

Union fans, from what I gather and despite everything.

The Philadelphia Union limps into Providence Park this Saturday, mostly likely with a goal of playing for another draw or just not collectively expiring outright at the 64th minute, if not prior. Early as it is in 2024, the Union have got already around. And the experience has not always been pleasant (see, "violently ejected" below).

Some Basics

Were it not for the abandoned match versus the Seattle Sounders a couple weeks back, this would have been the ninth game of Philly’s season. Trips to San Juan de Tibas, Costa Rica and Pachuca, Mexico in the CONCACAF Champions’ Cup (CCC) (and Kansas City and Austin) padded their frequent-flyer miles but all that flying and shitty airplane air takes its toll. For good or ill – here, it depends on whether they value getting a little rest over their self-esteem - Pachuca violently ejected them from the CCC just over a week ago, giving the Union its first full week’s rest since February 20.

Meanwhile, back in MLS’s regular season, Philly have played three games and finished in as many draws, all against teams that barely impress their own fans, aka, Chicago Fire FC at home and Sporting Kansas City and Austin FC away. Because all those games struck me as non-events, I skipped ‘em. As such, last night was my first long look at the Union this season. I didn’t go in blind, mind you: a quick tour through the (mildly authoritarian) Philly subreddit provided some context. To parse the sum of two threads (here's the other thread), the blowout at Pachuca magnified some anxieties – mostly about the defense, if with a dash of pining for Leo Flach* – but a lot of commenters have embraced a long-view/Zen philosophy to their team’s sputtering start.

The Review

I heard rumors (here) about Austin ditching the possession-heavy approach of seasons past and drifting toward more of a transition model. That made the Union’s 2-2 draw at Austin last weekend feel like a good model for how Philly might play the Timbers. With that, lights, camera…replay!

Austin v Philadelphia, in General

The Timbers can go a long way toward making things easier this Saturday night by being clean on the ball – and, to be clear, Austin fucked up with and without pressure from Philly.

MLS Week 4: Brief Notes on Many Things & Trends A-Birthin'

No, really. I'm doing this for you.

Grand Narrative

First, we are inching closer to the most wonderful time of the year – i.e., the tipping point in every season where pundits, be they professional or amateur, can start leaning more into top-line stats and the standings, and less on reviewing stupid amounts of video. Sometimes that’s all a body needs to know….we’ll see whether I embrace that come mid-season or if I keep it up with the masochism.

As for Major League Soccer’s Week 4, it served up some wild ones – e.g., Chicago’s late, late win over Montreal and the Galaxy’s last-gasp salvage operation against a…spirited St. Louis team…has anyone tested their Gatorade, because, my god. And yet both of those feel like happy little blips (because both games were fun!) against some early trends in the early season. To go in the order they played ‘em, in an ominous sign, Miami became the first team to fully solve DC’s hyperactive puzzle, Columbus keeps rollin’, rollin’, rollin’ and look at those strong early starts by Vancouver and Minnesota. Coming from the opposite side, Jesus Christ and hide the children, how are both Orlando and New England San-Jose-Earthquakes bad?

With that, it's time to pick through some details, if briefly and with a distressing absence of embedded video, but I have something to say either about everything that happened or the teams involved. Before getting into it, a quick reminder on the symbols you’ll see after each result below (all of which include a link to The Mothership’s game summary for the relevant match):

* more or less skipped it, coasting on the fumes of past impressions.

(H) – I watched the highlights and checked the box score to update the opinion.

([Numbers]) – those represent the parts of the full game I watched, plus box scores.

That’s it for the preamble(!). The formula really is tightening and, if all goes as planned, I’ll be down to watching all of two games each week, plus 45-60 minutes of just three others by MLS Week 10 or 12. With that, let’s dig into what I saw and the sweet nothings all that whispered into my ear.

Houston Dynamo FC 1-0 Portland Timbers: A More Complete Incompleteness

One way to "break" one's duck...

In my mind, the biggest question about last night’s game was which team would score first. The Portland Timbers came (god)damn close in the fourth minute when my personal Man of the Match, Santiago Moreno, found Cristhian Paredes loose on the right side of the six (gotta be in here somewhere), but Houston Dynamo FC gored the proverbial duck first, thereby taking a 1-0 lead they never surrendered. Timbers lose, Timbers lose, etc.

By the way, does anyone know where the phrase “break your duck” comes from? Yeah, I could google it, but what’s the fun in that? This stays poultry-heavy for a few, btw. Moving on…

Lacking as it was in some familiar areas - e.g., attacking verve and total concentration in defense - I don’t have a lot of gripes about Portland’s overall performance yesterday and, as a handful of people reminded me on the Timbers subreddit, they don’t often leave the “great” state of Texas with points. A point or three would have been nice, sure, but all things considered, I find it harder to argue that Portland deserved some slice of the points last night than to argue that Houston didn’t deserve all of them.

Given the way Houston has played under Ben Olsen, this one was always going to be grind. The Dynamo play a patient, methodical game and, to use a phrase I may have forgotten to get to in the preview, they can hold onto the ball until they behoove themselves (it can take a while sometimes) to swing into the attack. No less important, Houston tends to have its ducks in a row behind the ball as they push forward – and, outside some frantic moments over the opening 15 minutes, that held  last night. Feel free to chicken-and-egg this until you, a regular human, unlocks the ability to lay eggs, but Houston reliably had at least one player in the right place at all times and all night. Whether that followed from the Timbers’ lack of execution or from the Dynamo just having really goddamn good defenders – e.g., Micael exceeded my already high expectations and, bluntly, Phil Neville should have Juan David Mosquera watch video of how Griffin Dorsey plays the same position until further notice – I can’t say and it just doesn’t matter at this point.

The reason it doesn’t matter? The Timbers made the game’s one, fatal mistake and that’s all this game had in it.

Houston Dynamo FC Scouting Report: Leading with the Chin, Boldly

That's...a choice.

This Saturday, the Portland Timbers take their strong start to the 2024 regular season the home of 2023’s “who did what now?” surprise team, Houston Dynamo FC. I did some scouting, this is my report.

Some Basics

Despite being just two games in their Major League Soccer regular season, CONCACAF Champions’ Le…Cup play has Houston six “real” games deep into the young 2024 season. They have won just one, versus St. Louis CITY FC at home, but they’re stumbling more than they should for a team that has hosted four at home. In their defense, they’ve played good capable, teams in them all, St. Louis and Columbus Crew SC twice, as well as a lively Red Bull New York team once (as for the 6th team…wait for the reveal). Another big picture notable: Houston has scored in every game but one – their CCC Home loss to Columbus last week.

Head coach Ben Olsen has tried a few formations, but it looks like he leans toward a somewhat conservative 4-3-3 (sample); fwiw, I’m not sure what he’ll do against the Timbers, but I’m interested. I hung “conservative” on his line-ups because he builds (most of) his middle threes around Jan Gregus, Artur, and either Coco Carrasqulla or Amine Bassi as the “creative” third. The forward line has (somewhat) consistently involved Ibrahim Aliyu and Sebastian Kowalcyzk, but has had dudes rotate in and out, mostly by absence or circumstance. As for the defense, the primary constants are Steve Clark in goal and young Brazilian Micael (Santos de Silva) in front of him with either Ethan Bartlow or Erik Sviatchenko for a partner. The left fullback and/or left-sided defender has rotated its cast as much as The Love Boat (yay old people!) and, yes, absolutely, there's Griffin Dorsey on the other side...also, hold that thought...

Olsen has this bunch playing a methodical, arguably labored, possession game that sees them play north of 450 passes in every game. I see that The Mothership’s “Availability Report” shows their absences as “To be announced” (because it’s fucking useless and/or may require you to create an account, not unlike the still-absent Form Guide (fuckers!), I'm not paranoid!), but I believe that Hector Herrera remains injured and it looks like they loaned out one-time big-time signing to Sebastian Ferrera, but he never got off paper when it came to entering Houston’s plans for league domination. Oh, and they are wafer-thin at forward, so Herrera starting looks like the only wild card.

MLS Week 3: Less Brief Notes on Many Topics

What's new is old, mfs.

Grand Narrative

Major League Soccer Week 3 served up some actual upsets – e.g., Minnesota United FC shivving Orlando City SC in Florida, the Colorado Rapids stunning Rocky Mountain rivals in their fascist-adjacent stadium (i.e., America First is a bit freighted in 2024) – one head-fake upset - e.g., Club du Foot Montreal tripping MLS’s very favorite team on its way to the coronation the league wants like cocaine, fine cigars and cured meats – and at least one blowout – e.g., Atlanta United FC’s stroll over the New England Revolution. It’s all more or less normal from there, if with some noteworthy wrinkles, but there’s still 31 largely meaningless games to go. Plenty of time for rewrites in the script. For most teams, anyway.

In other news, The Mothership’s stubborn refusal to fill in the Form Guide forced me to create a sad old guy version of one (Viva Excel!), but I’m glad I did because, oh, the tiny trends that would have slipped down the memory-hole without it. Don’t get me wrong: a lot of teams are having something close to the normal ups-‘n’-downs – e.g., let’s go with Charlotte FC and RSL or, hell, even Colorado – but then you’ve got New England’s flop-sweat start to 2024, or Sporting Kansas City or Nashville SC’s dead-cat bounce string of draws. Again, these are tiny trends – and I pick at some of them below – but, with some exceptions (hello, San Jose Earthquakes!), not many of those present as permanent conditions thus far. Moving on…

I’m introducing a new segment this week. It’s nothing more or less than stuff that pops in my head as it drifts off during extended highlight sessions (see below for clarification). I haven’t come up wht of a name for it yet, so let’s go with…

Shouts from the Peanut Gallery

1) MLS should be raiding the bench of Europe’s good-to-great clubs looking for high-end depth pieces – the kinds of players the bigger teams sign as either development or insurance. That doesn’t mean they should stop looking for the latest hot, young thing from Central/South America…hold on. I think MLS is already doing this, only before they get to Europe. Still, I’m guessing there’s talent a-wasting on the benches of Europe’s more ambitious clubs, if not the bigger ones.

1a) Is it just me or has MLS essentially and/or completely given up on Central America? If so, is that wise? Half of me thinks probably, but the other half feels like they may be missing out.

New York City FC 1-2 Portland Timbers: A Long, Lucky Breather

No, really. We got this coach...

If there is a bigger cliché in soccer than the Tale of Two Halves, I don’t know what it is. New York City FC freshened it up a little, in that it was mostly them to which the cliché applied. It was as if Nick Cushing asked his players at halftime whether they were tired and, upon agreeing they all were, they torched a game-plan that had run over the Portland Timbers over the opening 30 minutes. Portland took the space NYC left open for them to (very) slowly get back in the game (I have the Timbers first shot on goal at the 73rd through Nathan Fogaca) and yet, with time on the edge of running out, a heretofore indifferent Evander floated a late, glorious winner over NYC ‘keeper Matt Freese. With that, Portland picked up a 2-1 road win that no one could have seen coming even by the halftime whistle.

Which was weird, right? I try to avoid counterfactuals – because, lo, the game played out the way it did in all known dimensions – but some part of me has to wonder about all the different ways that game could have ended. Especially given that it started with New York City so deep down Portland’s throat that I’m surprised that didn’t run clear out their ass all the way to New Jersey.

Words to describe how scattered and dizzy Portland started don’t come easy. The only part of any Timber to touch the ball over the opening 10 minutes was Dairon Asprilla’s forehead and even that happened only once or twice (related, please relegate that tactical choice to the rubbish heap, on the grounds it does not work). When NYCFC scored their inevitable break-through goal off a thrice-recycled corner at the 10th minute (think of all the planet we could save with such a program), things looked bad. That outlook downgraded to dire over the ensuing 25 minutes and, here, even the most stubborn Timbers fan should acknowledge that New York should have gone two goals up at a minimum and going up three was deeply in the conversation. The exhibits on offer:

Exhibit A: the (sixth or seventh) run around Portland’s right that had Mounsef Bakrar running free at an actually prone Maxime Crepeau in Portland’s goal; and

Exhibit B: the slip/sideways pass by Crepeau directly to an NYCFC player who had nothing a recovering Zac McGraw between him and an open goal.

New York had more chances besides (the highlights have most of 'em, just not Exhibit B) – in all honesty, they could have been up 4-0 with true finishing – and then, to paraphrase Star Wars, the guns, they stopped.

New York City FC: Remember When New York Was Cool?

NOTE: Freaky AI art, not a stake-out

“On paper, New York City FC's attack should be way better than this. Mounsef Bakrar and Jovan Mijatović at striker. Julián Fernández and Agustín Ojeda as wingers (Talles Magno is out hurt). Santiago Rodríguez and Hannes Wolf as chance creators. Long-term, I'll hedge on that group clicking.”

- Jonathan Sigal, 29 Takeaways: One Thought on Every Team After Match Day 3

After sitting through New York City FC’s 0-2 Week 2 road loss at St. Louis CITY FC, I can confirm. As a side note, I don’t know how he gets to Match Day 3 when every team in Major League Soccer save two (Inter Miami CF and Real Salt Lake) have played just two games. But I digress…

With the MLS season in its late-preschool years (did the math; turns out if you take the average U.S. life expectancy of 77.28 years and divide it by 34 games, each game equates to roughly 2.3 human years), NYCFC doesn’t have much for a track record for 2024. I can, however, provide the following facts: they currently sit at the bottom of the Eastern Conference with an 0-2-0 record and a -3 goal differential, with zero goals scored. Both losses came on the road – the first against Charlotte FC, the second at St. Louis – and NYC is hardly piling up chances, posting 19 shots between the two games, with just four on goal, and a flaccid xG of 0.6 in Game 1 and 0.7 in Game 2. Now, one could put that down to a slow start, opening with two games on the road, the yips, a gypsy curse, a bad, as-yet-undisclosed Tarot reading – wrap your imagination in a freak flag and let ‘em fly – but, those issues with scoring carried over from a 2023 season that saw NYC get one thin whisker over 1.0 goals per game for the season (the actual number: 1.03 goals/game). In other words, this is a thing.

That thing really stunk up that loss at St. Louis, too. I spent the game waiting for NYC to do anything worth reporting, but like 83% of police stakeouts (this stat is not real), I wound up watching 90+ minutes of a whole lot of nothing from them – at least on the attacking side. St. Louis, on the other hand, found multiple looks on goal – and don’t let that 3 shots on goal fool you, because, on top of scoring the two goals, both Cello Pompeu (who’s looks worth the look) and Samuel Adeniran (ditto) knocked shots from about 20 yards out off the same post…which makes one wonder who’ll step up for the Portland Timbers.

I’ll get to that, but, with an eye to keeping a leash on the chatter, I’m condensing my scouting notes on NYCFC to five, quick-hit talking points. If I was better, younger and more confident, I’d post video, but I don’t have the foggiest as to how to do that. So enjoy….words!

MLS Week 2 Review: Brief Notes on Many Topics

Fill up on these faster.

The Broad Strokes

MLS Week 2 served up a healthy heaping of surprises – mostly in the form of eye-catching road wins, but I bet the current Los Angeles FC roster will talk about that snow game for half as long as their fans do (i.e., a damned long time). Somewhat related, I pissed away an hour watching MLS Wrap-Up – so, obviously, don’t recommend. If you like that show, no judgment, gods bless and carry on. I just fill up on hot takes faster than most and I hit my limit before they got halfway through the obligatory-till-His-retirement opening segment on Messiami.

Miami deserved more of the praise than I’d like to admit, but I also don’t know what the fuck Orlando was doing out there besides wasting everyone’s time….wait…fuck me. They made me do it too. I started with fucking Miami. Got played like conservatives play the New York Times…

Result(s) of the Week

I’m going with Club du Foot Montreal’s pretty dang legit (looking) win down in Dallas, with honorable mention going to DC United for wearing down (my) Portland Timbers, Red Bull punching points out of Houston Dynamo FC and both sides of the New England Revolution’s loss at home against Toronto FC. That lopsided sin over LAFC probably should have made the cut - particularly given how it played out -but X-factors make me skittish, so....

Right. Here’s what happens next. The list for all of the scores from MLS Week 2 are listed below, with links to The Mothership’s game summaries under each (i.e., the numbers in the middle). I’ve included a key for how closely I watched (or didn’t watch) each game after said list of scores and, after that, I provide some very short notes that include: 1) a one(-ish) sentence summary of each game/highlight reel; 2) mention one thing that might not have been picked up in summaries and highlight shows; and 3) close with a short note on where I see both teams in the today, or maybe sometime next week. I don’t know how much readers will value it, but all that will make sense. Let’s start with the scores:

Minnesota United FC 1-1 Columbus Crew SC (H)

Real Salt Lake 3-0 Los Angeles FC (H)

Inter Miami CF 5-0 Orlando City SC %

Vancouver Whitecaps 1-1 Charlotte FC *

Chicago Fire FC 1-2 FC Cincinnati %

FC Dallas 1-2 Club du Foot Montreal %

Houston Dynamo FC 1-2 Red Bull New York %

Sporting Kansas City 1-1 Philadelphia Union (H)

St. Louis CITY FC 2-0 New York City FC * (I still have to sit through this one; notes later)

Colorado Rapids 1-1 Nashville SC *

Portland Timbers 2-2 DC United (full game; link below)

San Jose Earthquakes 1-3 Los Angeles Galaxy %

Seattle Sounders 0-0 Austin FC *

New England Revolution 0-1 Toronto FC (H)

Portland Timbers 2-2 DC United: Fragility & Composure

The Portland Timbers had all three points in their sweaty palms against DC United tonight only to piss two of them away one raised arm and one catastrophic failure in weak-side defending at a time. One thing led to another and that led to a 2-2 draw-that-felt-like-a-loss final score and...disappointment. Explaining all this gets a little tricky and I want to thank the person who posts as brettcalvin42 on the Timbers subreddit for forcing me to think a little harder about all this.

After a cautious opening minute or three, DC kicked into the fast-zombie press I expected from them. Like any press, it’s designed to force and feast on errors and it started to work its dark magic until Santiago Moreno pulled the classic soccer judo move of letting a ball pass across his body to carry it past a lunging DC defender (probably Pedro Santos). With the wide spaces of the right open to him, Moreno slipped a pass into Dairon Asprilla who finished off the play neatly as you like: 1-0 to the Timbers. And, as good things follow from good deeds, that break seemed to unsettle the one-way certainty of DC’s press. Despite all the buzzing harassment, the Timbers left the field at halftime with a slim but real advantage on the attacking side. They worked transition as well as they ever have and had a real chance to score one more when Moreno found an Eryk Williamson run that twisted DC’s (I think) Christopher McVey damn near out of his shoes.

All that inspired me to chime in with a short note that ended with “I’m happy” on a game thread on the Timbers subreddit. brettcalvin42 took issue with the general statement with a curt note about how giving the ball away was killing the Timbers. Even as I stand by what I…subreddited (is there a reddit equivalent of a tweet?) at halftime, his long-view take became more right than mine as the game went on. What I want to kick around below is why that happened.

Before digging into that, a couple things bear noting. First, for as little as they did in the first half, DC did create two sparklingly clear chances – the first a free header by Cristian Dajome from the outer chack of the six-yard box (which prompted a positively adorable, “I forgive you” hug by Maxime Crepeau to Zac McGraw), the other a shoo-in tap-in for Jared Stroud rediected by a timely toe-poke by Eric Miller. Those slips aside, and with a nod to the halftime stats, I did feel good about where Portland was at halftime. So I sub-redditted about it…

DC United Scouting Report: 75% Coping with Fast Zombies

Only time will tell...

DC United kicked off its 2024 regular season with a 3-1 home win over the New England Revolution that knocked Armchair Analyst, Matt Doyle, off the fence. He’s now convinced that DC will make the 2024 playoffs, spin of the wheel with odds equal to betting it'll rain during November in Portland. He may be right, he may be crazy, he just may be the lunatic we’re looking for…but all I can think when I look at the East so far is “competitive.”

That’s a thought for another day, because the only thing I care about right now is whether the Portland Timbers can compete against DC on Saturday at…is it still Providence Park, or did the state of Oregon’s real estate king/hospital system fuck off a la Da Bella? Anyhoo, as much as the weight of the schedule ahead feels lighter than it did when it first dropped – see road games against the punchless (e.g., New York City FC) and the wounded (Houston Dynamo FC) teams – I’d still rate the hike till May as moderate to difficult at a minimum. The Timbers can knock down that hike to easy-to-moderate, but they’ll have to play well to do it.

Based on the few indicators at hand, DC will shove that question to the fore, one way or the other. They may or may not be good –I’ll get to that – but they play the game like smartly-trained methed-up puppies. They showed they have the youth and legs last week to run a highly active and coordinated press; no Revolution player could hold the ball for over a second without a DC player either jumping in his pocket or chasing him like a ravening fast zombie. With a new coach (Troy Lesesne), early-season enthusiasm, and the team’s storied (long ago) history lashing at their shoulders, I expect DC to run at every Timbers player within 20 yards of the ball from the starting whistle until they take a spell to catch the breath. The method to the madness showed up in Doyle’s Big Week 1 Wrap:

“Lesesne talked all week about winning the ball higher up the pitch to give [Christian] Benteke opportunities and it worked.”

- Calen Carr

MLS Week 1 Vibez Review: It's Okay to Enjoy It, Even If It Doesn't Mean a Damn Thing

His eyes are my eyes, rn.

Welcome to the first one of these quick-hit reviews that, with breaks for vacation(s) and sanity, I plan on posting every week of Major League Soccer’s 2024 regular season – and beyond! (Which, here, only means posting through the playoffs). Before getting into anything at all, here are the results from MLS Week 1:

Inter Miami CF 2-0 Real Salt Lake (actually watched all of this one; just too late to fold it in)

Columbus Crew SC 1-0 Atlanta United FC

Los Angeles FC 2-1 Seattle Sounders %

Charlotte FC 1-0 New York City FC

DC United 3-1 New England Revolution %

Orlando City SC 0-0 Club du Foot Montreal *

Philadelphia Union 2-2 Chicago Fire FC

Austin FC 1-2 Minnesota United FC %

FC Dallas 2-1 San Jose Earthquakes

Houston Dynamo FC 1-1 Sporting Kansas City *

St. Louis CITY FC 1-1 Real Salt Lake

Portland Timbers 4-1 Colorado Rapids

FC Cincinnati 0-0 Toronto FC

Nashville SC 0-0 Red Bull New York *

Los Angeles Galaxy 1-1 Inter Miami CF

First, I’ve embedded links to The Mothership’s game summaries under each final score. Second, the above has a pretty simple index:

% means I went beyond the highlights and box score and actually watched 45+ of the game in question.

* means I ignored the game entirely.

[No Symbol] means I checked the highlights and the box score and maybe read a thing or two (which doesn’t mean I remembered it).

Now, I’ll do two things through the rest of the post. Third(?), will be a long paragraph – perhaps even a run-on sentence - that flags your more interesting results for the week just past. Everything under that goes under the titled The Grand Narrative. Fourth (now that I’m rolling with it), I’ll close on notes on all the games I either reviewed (%) or glanced at ([No Symbol]). Ready, set, go!

Portland Timbers 4-1 Colorado Rapids: Yes, with a Great Big (Twerking) But(t)

A conversation taking place.

I’ve got an angel on one shoulder fretting about getting carried away and a devil merrily twerking on the other whispering about giving all the way in and to every temptation. The angel’s going to win this round, and for a number of reasons, but mostly because I know too much about getting ahead of myself. That doesn’t mean the Portland Timbers 4-1 stroll over the Colorado Rapids didn’t feel great and soothing (like a good heating pad…I’m using one now). It just means taking a couple considerations seriously – and starting with a big one.

The Rapids fell apart before they got started in that first half. There, I’m talking less about Portland’s first goal (which I’ll come back to) than the second. All the credit in the world to Cristhian Paredes for finding Antony isolated a step behind of the penalty spot against Colorado’s Keegan Rosenberry, but you’re not going to see a captain go down with the ship the way Rosenberry did last night outside of your more chilling maritime disasters. Even allowing for the possibility that Antony’s stronger than he looks (and after last night, that’s a yes), I don’t know how a defender with Rosenberry’s experience lets the young winger get in front of him on that play.

To circle back to the maritime metaphor, who was around him when Antony scored his second goal of the night (Portland's third)? Rosenberry. And when Antony cut across the ball that bounced of the Rapids’ Sam Vines and into the net for a collective, soul-crushing own-goal (and Portland's fourth)? Yep, Rosenberry again.

That gets to the first big caveat the damn angel has sold me on: unless he ate 1,000 bowls of Wheaties and chased it with a course of high-grade steroids over the off-season, I doubt you’re going to see Antony run over, around a through a player like he did Rosenberry. Don’t get me wrong: I really loved what I saw from Antony yesterday – his defensive work as much as the three goal contributions (and can we call that a hat trick, so long as we take the asterisk with it) - but the caveat in re Keegan Rosenberry, aka, the captain to Colorado’s Titanic, feels like a sub-caveat to a larger one. To wit: for all the changes they made to their 2023 roster, the Colorado Rapids still have some road to walk before they arrive at capable and, if Chris Armas hasn’t improved drastically as a head coach since the last time I watched him a work, Colorado’s walk will be uphill both ways and through three feet of snow.

MLS Week 1 Preview, Getting Hyped on Thin Gruel

Solid show, btw.

At the risk of defeating the point of this post, I’m going to start by acknowledging that none of what’s below matters at all. By allowing nine (fucking) teams from each of its two conferences to qualify, Major League Soccer has made a conscious choice to devalue the regular season to a point where I wonder why anyone bothers to tune in before August. How well a team does through, say, April could be rendered meaningless by a cratering collapse or raging success in September; I can’t stress enough how much the results from MLS Week 1-20 just don’t matter. I've reached the sad place of pining for the 2024 Leagues Cup, because I think it's my first, best chance to feel anything of consequence before September. Stakes, people. They matter...

So, why do this? I mean apart from the fact that I just really like watching soccer?

First and foremost, I’ve chosen this as a hobby. Second, in the same way a sword-maker sharpens the sword over and over until it can cut through trees (apparently; Blue Eye Samurai lays waste to trees of all sizes as if that was the point of the show), seeing MLS’s 29 teams 34 times before they arrive at games that actually matter, aka, the playoffs, gives you a pretty clear bead on which of those teams have a shot in hell at lifting MLS Cup. That number has been whittled down to, at the very most, four or even three teams over the past couple seasons, which, again, highlights just how many meaningless games are played in this league plays year after year…and yet, is that so different than what the majority of teams experience in the English Premier League every season? Hold on…maybe spectator sports writ large are the problem?

To make this even weirder, this will be the only league-wide preview post I do all season. The current plan is to post weekly Vibez Checks at the end of each “MLS Week,” which (swear to God) will be just a loose rundown of what I saw in the games and what I see for patterns in the results. On the research side, I see myself watching two full games every week – one involving the Portland Timbers, the other involving their next opponent – long chunks (45-60 minutes’ worth) of the three games that most interest me, plus whatever else I get to after that. Unlike past seasons, I really do want to keep all this on a “vibes” level – i.e., expect the random name drop (as in, “holy shit, this guy’s killing it”) and general notes (as in, “Atlanta’s on a streak that bears watching”), as opposed to in-depth blow-by-blow coverage from this game or that or deep dives into the latest analytic stats on the market. Gods willing, people who find these posts will get a breezy read and the jokes will land.

To the extent this post has a purpose, it’s about hyping me up for First Kick 2024. Some of the commentary doubles as soft predictions for what I expect from each team, but I’m also approaching all that from something like a headline level (and the intelligence gathered from this incomplete series). With that, let’s look at what we’ve got on the platter.

Portland Timbers 2024 Preview: Hopes, Fears & Theories

In a better world...

“It’s Feb. 15 and [the Timbers] still have two open DP spots. It’s almost not even worth talking about them until they fill those spots.”

- Sam Jones, MLS Daily Kickoff

I hold this truth to be self-evident, and to the extent that this post won’t be so much a preview as a series of thoughts, opinions and speculation. Moreover, it starts in a place where I wish I didn’t.

When I saw the Portland Timbers line-up for their final preseason warm-up against Chicago Fire FC, I did not feel the glitz and glamour I’ve come to expect from events in the Coachella Valley. Instead, I saw too much of the same line-up I’ve seen over two back-to-back unsuccessful seasons. Here’s the (probable) line-up for that game (I couldn’t tell because that skeazy miser, Merritt Paulson, lacks the good goddamn sense to treat preseason like the course of appetizers they are):

4-2-3-1: James Pantemis (GK); Juan David Mosquera (RB), Zac McGraw and Kamal Miller (CBs), Eric Miller (LB); at the 2, Diego Chara paired with Eryk Williamson; at the 3, Santiago Moreno, Evander and Dairon Asprilla, and all that with a cherry on top named Felipe Mora.

Between turnover in the roster and players coming back from injury, that isn’t a name-for-name match to the line-up the Timbers trotted out, say, at the beginning of 2023. And yet, when you look at the line-up the Timbers used in MLS Week 1 2023, it amounts to splitting the difference between identical and fraternal twins. In the sense that I rate Mora higher than the departed Jaroslaw Niezgoda and Moreno over the bizarrely hesitant (and also departed) Yimmi Chara, sure, that counts as improvement. But how much?

The fact that Timbers line-up lost their final preseason game to a serially terrible Chicago team injects some vibez gloom into the launch of the 2024 regular season. I don’t know of any franchise in all of sports has put in the work to alienate its fanbase the way Chicago has. Missing the playoffs in 10 of the last 11 seasons is the tip of an iceberg that could sink 100 Titanics. I don’t put any more stock into preseason than the next fan, and I understand that one of Chicago’s goals was a freak-show error that couldn’t be replicated without a live chicken and copious amounts of despair, but, as they say, still…

New York City FC 1-1 Portland Timbers: Notes on a Palm Springs Scuffle

The Timbers ran the gauntlet today. And survived.

Just some quick notes on the Portland Timbers 1-1 draw versus New York City FC to pass on. It’s only preseason and there’s still the regular season slog to get through after all.

First, I have no actual complaints. The performance walked a line closer to fine than good, but it cast some glances in a brighter direction and left me with nothing more than quibbles to enter into meeting minutes. The Timbers gave NYC a hand on the ball (hey-oh!), and they got broken down all the way 10-15 minutes later (left two guys wide open at the back post, Santiago Rodriguez and Malachi Jones), but unless I missed something else in the first ten minutes of the second half (shower ran long), that’s pretty much everything from Les Pigeons.

The Timbers, meanwhile, regrouped nicely after going down a goal. Better, they calmed down some problems before they turned into issues (see 1b) below). After a first half where they could only find forward momentum in wide areas and struggled a touch with getting started out of the back, Portland came out settled for the second half and got to where they could throw some weight around. When their goal came – roughly 47 minutes after NYCFC’s opener – it was more opportunistic than constructed, but, again, preseason. Stuff like that only rises to an issue if it persists...and isn’t that the worry? Still, glad Santiago Moreno made the most of his defender’s slip and god bless the NYC defense for losing Felipe Mora at the back post. Seeing the Timbers send a little more menace the opposing goal would have felt better, but it is what it is, which is one point.

That takes care of the overview. Now, to tick through some details…

1) Midfield, Arrangement

So, that was probably something like a 4-2-3-1, right? Maybe a 3-4-2-1? What I picked up (generally) was Zac McGraw, Kamal and Eric Miller holding down defense, Jaden Jones-Riley in a fairly back-to-front role on the right, Eryk Williamson and Diego Chara sitting deeper in midfield, with Moreno and Antony on either side of Evander a little ahead of them, and all that with Mora up top? Even if they lined up a little different, I didn’t mind it. I like Moreno more advanced, generally, and Antony looked more comfortable to me than he did last season. Seeing the latter did the heart good because, call me crazy, but I’d like to see the Timbers up the fear factor in opposing defenses.