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| To the queen in blue: you are seen, you are beautiful. |
I moved to Boson in 1998, the same season I consciously uncoupled from DC United (successful teams don’t challenge you enough as a fan) and embraced the New England Revolution. The Wooden Spoon stung their bums for the one and only time in their history at the end of that very season. Fortunately, for both me and them, New England became one of the first teams to crack the post-contraction code and that made them the Second Most Menacing Team in MLS for pretty much every season between 2002 and 2007. To be clear, not all of those MLS Cup runs were created equal: with Taylor Twellman and MLS iron-man/assist-king Steve Ralston in the starting XI, the 2002 roster had the beginnings of the Revs’ real glory seasons, but it took additions like Matt Reis in goal, Michael Parkhurst and Jay Heaps leading the back line, plus Shalrie Joseph dominating midfield to transform the Revolution into a team that could win any given game. Throwing a team like that into the playoffs season after season (e.g., from 2002-2009) gave them plenty of chances to win it all. Which, again, they did not. To get a little personal, none of those losses kicked me like the 2006 final and, firmly as believe that spectator sports cannot deliver trauma worth even five minutes of therapy, I do consider that loss formative to how I “enjoy” soccer to this day (i.e., never get too close). The Revs’ history tells a familiar tale from there – you know the drill, players leaving the team one by one, new players coming in who don’t fill all of the hole left by the guys before them, a once-reliable coach sticking around past his sell-by date, etc. Several rough seasons followed, before the 2014 season rolled around. New England had made the playoffs the season before, sure, but they fielded not just a young team, but one that had mainly proved itself IN MLS. It started with Andrew Farrell in defense, but continued up the spine with Scott Caldwell in central midfield and Kelyn Rowe and Lee Nguyen running the midfield. That basic line-up got a boost of nitrous in the person and personality of U.S. Men’s National Team adoptee, Jermaine Jones, who came in as a late-season addition and girded every loin he could bark into shape. And all of those budding youngsters promised a brighter future…until they very abruptly didn’t. The Revolution sulked back into the wilderness for fives seasons after 2014 – I mean, they didn’t do shit – but caught up to the new way of doing things by 2021. Part of that relied on calling in new designated players – the (cliché alert) mercurial Gustavo Bou and one of MLS’s latter-day greats, Carles Gil – but the other half relied on spotting some of the best North American talent of the current generation – e.g., Matt Turner (goalkeeper) and Tajon Buchanan (full/wingback) lead that bunch, but Henry Kessler and DeJuan Jones are nothing to sniff at. That team benefitted from the wisdom of MLS Svengali, Bruce Arena, and leaned on a spine of some old-guard regulars – i.e., Farrell and long-time MLS-above-averager, Matt Polster, but it took a second generation of budding talent to lift the 2021 Revolution team to the then-best-ever regular season in MLS history. And, yes, that record was broken just three years later by an Inter Miami CF team that rode a smash-and-grab reunion to even greater heights. Only to run into the same dead-end that never stopped haunting the Revs. They didn’t even make the semifinals. Ha.
Sour grapes notwithstanding, the New England Revolution’s history can be read in one of two ways: first, as the team that failed to win MLS Cup over fives times of trying, second, as a team that has put together one of the great all-time MLS teams (the 2002-07 era), plus two more that either found or tickled the bubbly underbelly of success. One could call them bridesmaids, sure, but I feel like New England has earned a loftier title.
Total Joy Points: 25
How They Earned Them (& How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
Supporters’ Shield: 2021
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2002, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2014
MLS Playoffs Semifinals: 2003, 2004, 2020
MLS Playoffs/Quarterfinals: 1997, 2000, 2008, 2009, 2013
Wooden Spoon: 1998
CCL Quarterfinals: 2022, 2024
U.S. Open Cup: 2007
U.S. Open Cup Runner-Up: 2001, 2016
Long-Term Tendencies
One number stands out: the Revolution have scored above the league-wide average just nine times over their 29-season history; they managed a positive goal differential (of any kind) just ten times over a period that spans their entire existence. Things look even worse when viewed from the other side: the Revs have only beat the league average for goals allowed just seven times. They have lived and died by their attack, basically, and their good offensive seasons haven’t always coincided with their strong defensive seasons; only the 2005 and 2021 seasons saw all the stars align, and 2014 may count as the only time the defense actually carried them (and an average attack). Small wonder they have only experienced the “aftertaste of glory.” Even in their Shield season, it was an over-(over-)performing offense that lifted them into the record books.
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| I believe in you, Caleb. |
New England failed on both sides of the ball last season, utterly and painfully on the defensive side – and to the tune of a three-way tie for worst-ever defensive performance in MLS history and a five-way tie for the second-widest all-time goal differential (-37, booyah!) .The attack complemented that failure by sputtering up just over one goal per game (1.09, specifically), all of which surely pinged a dent in Caleb Porter’s reputation that he won’t be able to bang back into shape any time soon. In their defense (and his), the Revs did pull off a flutter over the month of June that briefly looked like it might take off (if only to hopeful/deluded eyes). The funny thing about all that: New England genuinely tried to upgrade going into/during the 2024 season – e.g., Aljac Ivacic in goal, veterans Tim Parker, Xavier Arreaga and Jonathan Mensah came in to shore up the defense, and Mark-Anthony Kaye provided a fresh, big body in midfield. Only Ivacic, Kaye and Arrega played much and, holy shit, how little that helped. On the attacking side, long-time struggling DP Gabriel Vrioni had (what passes for) a career season for him, Carles Gil did not, other great hopefuls like Tomas Chancalay and Dylan Borrero barely played and couldn't do enough when they did. And that is how your local team misses a comically-loose playoff structure by nine whole goddamn points. Grim shit….
Questions for Their 2025 Season
First, there are so, so fucking many of them. Based on a gently-conducted search, it looks like Caleb Porter will (miraculously) continue to coach them next season. Based on the latest info I can find, the Revs let some unsurprising players go – e.g., Borrero, Nacho “The Other” Gil, and Tommy McNamara – and they have another clutch in limbo – e.g., Parker, Bobby Wood, and Nick Lima. Much more significantly, New England is on a signing spree – defenders Mamadou Fofana and Brayan Ceballos, MLS vet Jackson Yueill in midfield and they poached forward Leo Campana from Inter Miami CF. How will all those players do? Based on last season’s return, the future runs the gamut from laying down injured in their third match as a substitute or having the present, seeing their future value swallowed in what may or may not be an incoherent coaching system, or turning everything around the way the Revs do every now and then. Basically, the answer to any question about how New England rights their wildly listing ship has no answer, not until they arrive at a solution to one problem or the other, and then moves on to fixing the next one.
For any Revolution fan poking around the ashes for a ray of sunshine (in a, frankly, scrambled metaphor), I offer this: the Revolution has done it before.
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