 |
| Thanks for the fully-built expansion team! |
Extremes characterize the early history of the San Jose Earthquakes, and the rest is tragedy. They also have a real shout as MLS’s most tortured franchise, but to start at the beginning…
They started as the San Jose Clash and started poorly. After making the playoffs in the league’s inaugural season (1996), the team missed them over the next four, three as the San Jose Clash (1997-1999), then one more as the San Jose Earthquakes (2000); as if to prove that rebranding doesn’t equal rebirth, they picked up a Wooden Spoon under each name (1997 and 2000). San Jose flipped the script one thin season later - and how. It started with the hiring of MLS Frank Yallop as head coach and only got better when U.S.-wunderkind, Landon Donovan, returned to the States after a frustrated stint with Germany’s Bayer Leverkusen. With a reliable spine of Joe Cannon in goal, Jimmy Conrad in central defense and Richard Mulrooney battling in front of them, Yallop filled out the roster with young players who would dominate mid-2000s MLS – e.g., Canadian great Dwayne DeRosario and hard-nosed center back Eddie Robinson – plus wily veterans like former DC United fullback Jeff Agoos and nifty Danish import Ronnie Ekelund. With that fresh start, San Jose threw down 2000’s Wooden Spoon and grabbed MLS Cup 2001. Another strong recruitment class – e.g., future MLS stalwarts like Ryan Cochrane (defender), Brian Mullan (midfielder), and Brian Ching (forward, for both club and country) – plus some crafty poaching - e.g., long-time midfield anchor Ricardo Clark – not only carried them to their second, and last, MLS Cup in 2003, but carried them to the 2005 Supporters’ Shield, despite Landon Donovan’s (controversial) departure to the LA Galaxy and losing key players like Ekelund, Agoos. And then the team fucked off to Houston, Texas.
One more respectable moment (see below, 2010) and one great season aside, San Jose has mostly suffered since re-joining MLS. Before wallowing in misery, I want to spare a moment and a smile for the ‘Quakes fantastic, and broadly loathed, 2012 team. Lead by the two hulking “physical” (i.e., borderline violent) forwards, Alan Gordon and (especially) Steven Lenhart – aka, the Bash Brothers (this short bio on them is a masterpiece, btw) – San Jose literally battled their way to that season’s Supporters’ Shield. Backed by a banner season by Jon Busch in goal and Honduran central defender Victor Bernandez, all the ‘Quakes had to do was keep the goals out and have “Gordo” and “Lenny” knock down everyone, everything, and get the ball to MLS's all-time leading scorer, Chris Wondolowski (okay, gotta slow down on the linking; egads), who had a crazy 2012 season (27 goals, seven assists). They scored 13 more goals that season than the next nearest team and were heads and shoulders above the rest in scoring...and an appearance in the 2014 CONCACAF quarterfinals aside, that’s probably the last happy memory San Jose fans have had. They’ve either squeaked in as a wild card (three times) or missed the playoffs entirely (nine times) every season since. The Wooden Spoon spanked them twice over that same period - the first in 2018, the other in…hey, 2024 – which, when added to their 2007 Wooden Spoon, gives them five all time and the more seasons with the wrong kind of rosy cheeks than any other team in MLS. The truly wild thing? The ‘Quakes got 103 goals out Wondoloski from 2013-2021. I mean, how bad was everyone else?
Total Joy Points: -3, aka, the worst; for context, only four other teams have negative Joy Points
How They Earned Them (& How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
Supporters’ Shield: 2005, 2012
MLS Cup: 2001, 2003
MLS Playoffs Semifinals: 2010
MLS Playoffs/Quarterfinals: 1996, 2002, 2004. 2005, 2012
Wooden Spoon: 1997, 2000, 2007, 2018, 2024
CCL Quarterfinals: 2014
 |
| We cannot give you wins, get drunk. |
In their glory years – which, here, means 2001 to 2005 – San Jose rode a solid defense to the clutch of Cups and Shield noted above, and they probably only had one real “freak” season when they won the Shield in 2005. When I say the Bash Brothers lead them to the 2012 Shield, that wasn’t an exaggeration: they fielded an average defense that season, which made going wildly over a necessity. Pulling those six seasons out of the sample gets to the ‘Quakes actual pattern of a succession of soft, low-scoring teams that kicked around by, if not all comers, then by most of them. The big counter-factual in all the above is what might have been had that original, demonstrably good team not fucked off the Houston. One can answer that several ways, I’m sure, but missing the 2006-07 season and losing all that continuity had to have been a blow that even the longest outdoor bar in MLS, if not the country, could soothe, never mind repair.
How 2024 Measured Up
Even as I look at (most of) last season’s roster and think, surely, it can’t be that bad, a fifth swat with the Wooden Spoon says everything. Decent players pop all over the roster – e.g., Paul Marie’s a decent fullback, (the now-departed) Jackson Yueill and Carlos Gruezo should have given them at least a serviceable midfield (though Gruezo missed about a dozen), they have one of MLS’s most consistent assist leaders in winger Cristian Espinoza and, their limitations aside, that should have given Jeremy Ebobisse and Amahl Pellgegrino plenty to work with – but San Jose still ended badly under average on goals for, and embarrassingly above average on goals allowed. The shit-show was global, basically, and even having a new DP No. 10 in Hernan Lopez couldn’t wash off the stench of defeat that has haunted the ‘Quakes, lo, these many seasons. On the one hand, it’s not like they aren’t trying; on the other, Christ, are they fucking it up as if that’s the plan.
Questions for Their 2025 Season
San Jose has been busy since the early end to the 2024 season. The 'Quakes have had some minor departures - e.g., Yueill to New England (wait for it), and, recently, Ebobisse to LAFC - but the started their own overhaul by handing bags of MLS Bucks to the (equally desperate) New England Revolution for Ian Harkes, Mark-Anthony Kaye, and Dave Romney. Just over a week later, they rescued former San Jose standout/current free agent, fullback Nick Lima, from the same pile of rubble season and, just today, they traded more MLS Bucks for goalkeeper Earl Edwards Jr…who also played for New England Last year…again, how does that not present as anything but fucking it up as if that’s the plan. And then you see they’ve hired MLS coaching legend Bruce Arena to right the ship going into 2025. That answers the question of why San Jose opted to build from the ruins of another struggling MLS team, but, unless Caleb Porter was an absolute disaster as a coach – even if just with those five players – it’s REALLY goddamn hard to see a road to the future that comes with those changes…
…then again, this same team went from Spoon to Cup a mere 24(?) years ago, don’t call it a comeback, etc., but don't be a madman and call it likely or something just as stupid.
No comments:
Post a Comment