Major League Soccer 2018 Strip-Mall Quonset Hut Preview

Or something that is neither a quonset hut nor a strip mall.

Last weekend, I put Five Questions to the Portland Timbers as a way of putting down my marker on where they are as they head into what has to be the fattest season in Major League Soccer history (i.e., the most milk and honey bless’d). Today, I’m going to take my best, 2/3-sighted shot at filling in the blanks for the rest of MLS. And I’ll get to that fraction…

Over the last couple nights (slowin’ down…gas), I picked through The Mothership’s (aka, mlssoccer.com’s) one-stop strip mall for season previews - a metaphor I feel is, frankly, beyond apt. Goddamn hacks barely keep up the website anymore, never mind do full-service…

…I’m kidding: given where my head is, I'm happy to have a quicker (cursory) tour around all…fuck, I’ll count after, every team in MLS that touches base on how they’re all shaping up for the 2018 regular season. (Did they…know that?) For the record, I have been picking at MLS news since the beginning of February, and that gives me some context for what I see in the preview “blurbs” that feature in MLS’s Tour de League season preview - or what I'm calling the MLS Strip-Mall Season Preview. Which means you should see this post as a quonset hut built on the side. That said - now we’re getting to the 2/3 thing - while I couldn’t land on a fraction that felt good, 1/2 felt too low, and 3/4 way too fucking high, so, I settled on claiming that I know some amount of stuff about 2/3 of the…let’s call it “broader situations identified” in all those previews. By which I mean, I have some genuine sense of 2/3 of the players just by seeing their names, because I’ve seen him enough to have an opinion; the same goes for coaches, trends, and the basic history of most teams.

With that, all I’m going to do is use the MLS Strip-Mall Season Preview as a platform to roughly comment on where all…of MLS’s teams are heading into 2018 (swear I’ll count it by the end). You can judge for yourself whether my knowledge base presents as 1/2, 2/3 or 3/4 knowledgeable. I don’t do predictions - they’re not my style (and I’m bad at them) - so this is mostly about strengths, gaps, weaknesses, quirks, etc. All the links down below go to the “depth charts” MLS posted for each club. Finally, I have no goddamn idea how any team but the Timbers did in preseason. I’ve been told that doesn’t matter enough times that I've decided to internalize it.

Whoops. One more thing. On the way to finding that link above, I visited The Mothership, only to find a pile-up of fresh acquisitions. I can’t vouch for whether MLS interns got those into the depth charts, but still think most of the opinions voiced below will hold up. About 2/3 of the time. Also, this won’t take long. Probably. Just a thought or two.

Oh, and I actively encourage thoughtful comments. Just don’t be an aggro twit about any of it.

5 Questions for the Portland Timbers...After a Buncha Shit

I mean broadly, right? Does it feel new to you?

“With the exception of Powell, it’s been a disappointing preseason for the Timbers’ back six. Vytas’s job, obviously, isn’t secure. Olum has been only not-terrible in fill-in duty. Guzman has been subpar. Ridgewell and Mabiala have both been up-and-down. #RCTID”

- Chris Rifer tweet

Rather than speak directly as to how I feel about that tweet - for I have opinions on every point about each named name - I’ll go on for two-three pages in various directions from all that.

First, I watched three preseason games this season - that dispiriting loss to FC Dallas, the B-side scrimmage rout against New York Red Bulls II, and tonight’s 3-2 Jekyll-Hyde win against the Portland Timbers sub-nemesis, Sporting Kansas City (how does a team exorcise a double post?). In the broadest possible terms, that translated to 3 halves of depressingly flaccid soccer from Portland, against one good half and a certain number of glances down fresh avenues that look promising. As for the New York II game, I’m not sure it matters, at least not outside bolstering one particular legend.

I’m going to end/build this post around forwarding 5 questions about the Portland Timbers going into this 2018 season, but I want to park on tonight’s game before getting to those, because 1) it’s our freshest shared experience (come with me, kids!), and 2) it touches on some of the relevant sub-plots to those questions.

To start, however, with one of the least relevant points, Jake Gleeson bailed out the Timbers tonight (with one vital assist from David Guzman(?)). Contrary to the tweet above, Alvas Powell hogged the spotlight in a drunk karaoke vein - i.e., he commanded attention again and again, but missed key notes in crucial moments, and the Geiger count on those moments tracked with proximity to goal; in other words, Powell’s been Powell so far. As for big revelations, if Samuel Armenteros’ preseason hasn’t kindled some hope in your heart, seek professional help, because that fucker’s probably necrotic (shit…yer heart, not Armenteros). Between his mobility, visible glee at combination play, and a highlight reel of good finishes (and none of his finishes for Portland have looked that good so far), Armenteros looks genuinely promising - in a way that a lot of this preseason has not.

In spite of today’s come-back - which, incidentally, lifted Portland a 2-2-1/respectable preseason - Vytas Andruiskevicius busted a hamstring. (Also, thank god for Marco Farfan, and good luck, kid!) And I’m still coming to terms with the full meaning of seeing Dairon Asprilla as my second brightest spot to preseason 2018 - that’s after Armenteros. I mean…that has implications, right?

And Station Signing Back On...With Ground Rules & Caveats

Why'd they spotlight his fucking feet?

I write this in the spirit of “Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning.”

Earlier this week, a handful of people who used to follow this site reached out to inquire as to my health. And, was doing anything worthwhile these days? Maybe sending cars beyond the stratosphere (as god intended, when he made us in His image), or maybe writing about soccer, or something…

They could not have known of my tender vulnerability to such suggestions. They might have picked up on (profound, raging) disenchantment in my personal politics, subtle hints that I’d rather eat my own fucking legs than try to explain/make peace with well and thorough fuckedness of the world at large (“fuckedness” is so a word; hold on, “fuck’dness”? No?). They could not, however, have known that I have, of late, quietly started to peak at soccer content again for the first time in months. I have kicked around the idea since then, consulting my schedule, seeing which projects I can set free (to die in the woods, obvs) and which I can’t…the latter category being full of surprisingly stubborn motherfuckers, not even one of them willing to go without a fight.

Finally, however, after serious and sober deliberation (not kidding on that second adjective) about reviving this project I landed on the only answer I could: I can’t. Not that I won’t, but that I can’t. Conifers & Citrus can never be what it was, because I’m not who I was. I am an older, much sleepier version of me.

And that’s the guy that will start posting to this space again. For as long as he can, anyway. Let me explain…