Portland Timbers 3-0 Los Angeles Galaxy: Struggle. Horror. Stroll.

It only looks innocent.

Huh, maybe I should title all these things in three word descriptions. Beats repeating cliches like, “a tale of two halves,” right?

The game started cagey, it took a moment of horror - and, arguably, a substitution - to change it, but, once the ball got rolling, gravity did its thing and Portland Timbers coasted to a 3-0 win over the Los Angeles Galaxy at home.

LA’s Derrick Williams brought the horror, and by way of what might have been a drunken-headed tackle a couple minutes before half-time that knocked Portland’s Andy Polo out of the game and off the field for gods know how long. It left LA and everyone associated with them blushing instead of complaining - a rarity in soccer - and Williams got a straight, justified red for it; fines and a couple more missed games should be coming as well. Regardless of whether Williams had a concussion at the time, that kind of tackle all but obliges you to make amends. Visit Polo to apologize, buy him a box of chocolates (the good stuff; not that See’s bullshit), maybe gift card to Dave & Buster’s with $200 on it, and that’s at a minimum. Williams’ tackle was the house-guest equivalent of shitting in the middle of someone’s kitchen; mens rea doesn’t even come into it.

That came just before the end of the first half, and the Wheels of Justice turned quickly from there. Less than two minutes after the second half whistle, Josecarlos Van Rankin dropped a dime into an arm’s length gap between LA’s Daniel Steres and (maybe) Julian Araujo for Felipe Mora to nod into the goal - and the Timbers…well, they didn’t quite never look back, but they took care of the game in one of the weirdest and most passive ways I’ve seen in a while. Allow me to explain…

Looking at the summary, I see that just 13 minutes passed between Mora’s first goal and his second - a head-on-a-swivel-alert put-back on a nice bit of collective lock-picking by Portland, in which a strong shot by Claudio Bravo set up Mora’s put-back - but something truly peculiar made that dozen-plus minutes pass slowly. For one, the Timbers did something familiar after going ahead: they let up. That could have followed from a conscious choice to drop back, stay compact and absorb, but it had the effect of giving the Galaxy, not just possession, but time to pick at the edges of the Timbers’ defensive third. While I don’t recall anything super dangerous during that time - related, I just confirmed that Logan Ketterer didn’t make a lot of saves, but that’s still three more than I remembered - LA had the ball in an area where control becomes chaos in the blink of an eye.

Portland Timbers 5-2 Los Angeles Galaxy: You Know They Suck...Right?

Look into my eyes and fail, MF.

Every thought and argument takes the fact that the Los Angeles Galaxy is a terrible fucking soccer team in 2020 as a given. Dead last in the Western Conference, deep into the snipe hunt for worst defensive record in MLS (just four goals off the San Jose Earthquakes’ torrid pace of 45 goals allowed), and just two points ahead of FC Fucking Cincinnati? Live by Zlatan Ibrahimovic, as they have, you wilt like flowers in direct sun when he’s gone, baby.

Also, the Portland Timbers really seem to have their number. With tonight’s 5-2 win, the Timbers have scored 15 goals against the Galaxy this season and in just four games, more than 1/3 of LA’s total goals allowed for 2020 (this assumes the interns updated the current standings timely). The numbers just keep getting bigger for LA, too, seeing that the Timbers scored eleven of those two goals over their past two….just painfully lopsided wins. I mean, holy shit, LA…

What I want to lead with tonight are the 10-15 minutes that followed the half-time whistle. It wasn’t just that the Galaxy scored a goal inside the first minute so much as what happened afterwards that really sticks with me - largely because we’ve all seen it before. First, the opposition starts cutting out the passes that used to flow freely out of the Timbers back line; next thing you know, tackles get less crisp and timely in the defensive third and, about five minutes later, the whole goddamn Timbers defense can’t clear its lines with a free header or a clean boot. It doesn’t even take a good team to set off waves of panic - as proved by tonight’s Exhibit A, the LA Galaxy. Had they pulled the game to 3-2 by, say, the 58th minute, who knows? LA had their chances, and they pulled the Timbers all over all the way up until Eryk Williamson scored one not so much against the run of play as the laws of physics to restore the Timbers the three-goal lead they never quite gave up. Seriously, for all the moments of calm Portland managed, LA tied them on shots and pushed them hard for shots on goal - oh, and neither team polished a diamond in this one.

To return to a theme, and regardless of whether or not this counts as a late development - as in, the Timbers own the 2020 series 3-1-0, and with a +6 goal differential (15 gf, 9 ga), but the last two results (6-3 and 5-2, both for Portland) skew the hell out of the sample - the Timbers have pulled some snake-charmer shit on the Galaxy recently, just a whole thing of dazing them then fucking them up over and over and over.

Portland Timbers 1-1 Orlando City SC: Birds in the Bush

They are in the bush. They are not yours.

I’ve got another game to watch/write about (or, rather, I feel compelled to watch another game and write about), so I will try (and arguably fail) to keep this short. (Eh, I've done worse.)

Given the relative promise of each team, and the fact Dom Dwyer was suspended, Nani was home barfing (or something), and Ruan was God knows where (and whatever the hell else happened with Orlando’s regular starting set-up, e.g., Sane), and the fact that Orlando rarely defended beyond its own attacking third, yeah, I’m willing to call the Portland Timbers’ 1-1 draw at home against Orlando City SC the worst-case scenario. The result doesn’t mean anything and/or everything, there are other games (there will always be other games, won't there, James?), but there’s also a time and place for picking up points, and Orlando and Colorado at home is (are?) that time and that place. Goddammit.

As I hinted in the preview thread, all Orlando needs is one goal. Part of me guessed it would take just one mistake, and that gets to what I didn’t say in the thread, and what I could never have foreseen: Zarek Valentin switching way the hell off on a single play. It took impeccable timing meeting a soft clearance for that that shot (one of two for Orlando) to come off, but sometimes soccer’s a sadistic mistress (and, if I’m being honest, that’s probably why I like it) and a team operationally undeserving of a goal gets the first one and comes perilously close to making it count for three points.

Thankfully, Jeremy Ebobisse came on, (arguably) loosened up Orlando’s defensive brick, and scored the second-bite equalizer that salvaged what would have been watching a gymnast fail to stick the landing 26 damn times (and only really coming close on four of them). I’ve got a question that follows from that, and it breaks in (at least) two directions: is Portland better off with Ebobisse out there instead of Andy Polo? Whoops, I just found the third direction on that question. (hmu if you wanna know the three directions, just don’t expect me to remember them.)

Philadelphia Union 1-3 Portland Timbers: The Day the Road Trip Ended Well

I just feel really good about tonight. Get over it.

After a first half that saw the Portland Timbers two goals up and playing pretty soccer, nothing short of an injury and/or electro-shock therapy could have made me call tonight’s game a bad result. That the Philadelphia Union playing pretty goddamn well has a lot to do with that. After pulling back a truly one-of-those-nights-weird goal at the very start of the second half, Philly piled on 15-20 minutes’ worth of relentless pressure, picking the ball off Timbers’ toes and swallowing up everything that got inside their half. That only leaves me more impressed with how Portland handled the so very many things that Philly threw at them all night. The game ended 3-1 after a Diego Valeri goal of Platonic simplicity put the stuffing back into Portland’s two-goal cushion.

Even if Portland stole two, or even all three, goals tonight, they stole some gems: Andy Polo’s cross on the first demands “exquisite” as a qualifier; 80% of what happened on Portland’s go-ahead goal* was perfect; and, after surviving the soccer equivalent of Leningrad, Valeri scored that glorious, sling-shot of a winner. And all this happened against a good team, playing well, and at home. Tonight’s win over Philly confirms the eye test of the past 5-6 games: Portland, 1) still has viable (healthy) talent, and 2) has its shit figured out. At this point, the Timbers sure as hell look like they’ve got another genuinely competitive season in them, and can I get a huzzah?! (* I just have to note that Diego Chara's touch was long; he didn't "draw out" Andre Blake, but he did hear Fernandez charging over his shoulder, thank God).

Because the rest of this post will probably swim with turns of phrase that will have people saying “jesus, get a room,” I want to close out my thoughts on the Union up top. Based on everything I’ve seen, this is a very good team that got, first, beat by a great cross, then undone by having to chase too much of the game. The teams largely traded blows in the first half, the only difference was Portland landed theirs; Philly threw the more promising punches and dozens more of them. The adjustments the Union made in the second half should send shake the spines of every Eastern Conference team; between Ilsinho coming on and twisting the Timbers’ defensive left into knots and, so far as I’m concerned, Haris Medunjanin forever having too much time for dissection, and too many Union players finding openings, the Union pried at gaps in the defense. It took a series of interventions and straight-up heroics from Steve Clark to let Portland hang on.

And, on that glass-shattering high note, Portland’s 12-game road-trip comes to an end. Assuming I got the math right in last week’s FormGuide ULTRA, they collected 14 points over 12 road games. As someone I watched with tonight pointed out, that’s over a point per game as an average, and I guess he pointed that out because it’s good thing, I do not know. What I do know is that Portland has played well for a while, they seem strangely impervious to meaningful injury (who’s Cristhian Paredes? I’m kidding!), and I’m more concerned with that than a 4-6-2 record, or 14 points. The fact they’re now 4-1-1 over the last six games, and that’s all on the road, all against credible teams (e.g., Toronto, Real Salt Lake, and…Columbus Crew SC, and now, Philly tonight), well, that gives a man leave for a couple huzzahs.

Colorado Rapids 3-3 Portland Timbers: Of Snow & Fortunate Deflections

Just do your best out there, guys. We fucked ya up goin' in.

The Department of Cross-Platform Corrections will open this post by announcing that, after further review, Axel Sjoberg’s not-quite-goal-saving handball was deliberate. (During the game, I tweeted that I wouldn’t have called it, but watch his hand (over and over); yes, the VAR got it right.) Moving on now, to the Ministry of Justice, given that either of two Portland Timbers players could have nodded home Sjoberg’s naughty deflection, part of me would have just taken the goal and moved on. Back in this timeline, the shock-collar “tickled” Drew Fischer (that’s what they use right?), alerting him to matter of controversy (Sjoberg’s handball), and, after review, the whole thing ended up with red card for the Colorado Rapids and the Timbers wound up with a penalty kick.

Diego Valeri scored it, the game ultimately ended 3-3, and all the above wasn’t even the weirdest thing that happened some miles removed from Denver, Colorado yesterday. If nothing else, it snowed like goddamn crazy, but, to lick the brassiest of brass tacks, had you given 1,000 Timbers fans the top-level scenario for yesterday’s game – e.g., a high-scoring draw in Colorado and with snow falling – and asked them whether or not they’d call it a good result, I put the number of “yes” answers at or around 2/3 of respondents. (Sharper question: would that number go up or down immediately after the game and with all respondents 4+ drinks in?) As with what we shall henceforth call Sjoberg’s Goal (MLS’s/Kant’s answer to Schrodinger’s Cat), would you get different answers from those 1,000 Timbers fans had you watched that game with each of them and then asked them afterwards how they felt? (Focus groups = Group-think. Also, fluoride.)

Cold weather games are almost always memorable, in that they borrow a central principle from hockey – i.e., putting as many obstacles as possible in the way of success (e.g., “here are some skates, here’s a stick; now, go chase piece of frozen rubber around a sheet of fucking ice, I said do it!”; I finally get why hockey players are so fucking angry). Snow counts as the most unnatural, recurring condition for soccer, because it makes all the players run using weird, choppy strides, and guys slip all over the place…but does snow typically cause ‘keepers to cough up that many rebounds? It took reviewing the highlights to fully absorb the reality that half of yesterday’s goals came off rebounds. (So, to you kids watching at home, your coach isn’t full of shit when he tells you to follow up on shots. A lot of it’s bullshit, but that one’s real.)

All in all, though, is there anything real to take away from this game, or was it dog-pile of X-factors and the toddler-esque beginning of any regular season? For all the commentary on snow, both teams played a recognizable and accepted version of soccer out there. Sure people looked a little clumsy from time to time – one of them being Benny Feilhaber’s equalizer – but they moved the ball to where they wanted it to go and, deep as the powder got during the game, it didn’t stop the Rapids from scoring its second, the game’s third equalizer. The snow mattered, but it didn’t really.

The Portland Timbers, and The Fall Into 2019

The Seattle Super Junior Sounders!!

If you’ve followed my thoughts through the Portland Timbers’ 2019 preseason, you have seen the kinds of mood swings that get people talking about medication. This post will attempt to take all those disparate threads and tie them together into a coherent baseline understanding of where the Timbers seem to be going into the season. I’ll close out by identifying key mysteries and then wrap up by looking at Portland’s first 10 games – all of them on the road, of course - and projecting what I’d count as a good start to the 2019 season.

Preseason (domestic teams, only, and games that I watched): 2-1-1
The Timbers faced a useful collection of teams – e.g. (and in order), Seattle Sounders, the New York Red Bulls…Phoenix Rising (ah, the locus of my unhinging), and Real Salt Lake. Until that final, fluid win over RSL, where they played their starting set, Portland both played and faced some novel constructions for line-ups. There was the 60/30 split that faced The Seattle Super Junior Sounders!, the three-headed (fucked up) mutation that lost to Phoenix, and, again, something like the starting set against a baby Red Bulls line-up. Looking back on them now, all those make more or less sense – as in, I’m starting to really like Giovanni Savarese as a coach – but I’m less interested in the results than I am in the ultimate return of a familiar sensation.

If you take out the Phoenix game (see: “the locus of my unhinging”), I kept repeating the same big picture thought: with some complicated exceptions – e.g., Julio Cascante and David Guzman (and a strong, present desire to never see Renzo Zambrano again) - most Timbers played well. By the RSL game, they looked loose and confident. No, better than that: they looked saucy, and with a healthy helping of the right kind of back-heels. Because those thoughts line up with my notes from the earliest games last season, I’m going into 2019 feeling pretty good. Here’s why:

Overall

The three Portland players listed in Bobby Warshaw’s article on the best five players in every position answer the question: so long as they have Diego Valeri, Sebastian Blanco and Diego Chara healthy and playing well, Portland will remain competitive. All three are league elite, they know one another very well, as well as how to make the most of the pieces around them. If any one of those three goes down, though…well, that’s when the pants fill up in all the wrong ways. Roster continuity papered over some cracks last year, no question, but I’d also argue that some pieces around them don’t get their portion of propers – e.g., Jeff Attinella, certainly, but also Larrys Mabiala, Zarek Valentin and Jorge Villafana. The bones are good, as they say. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t questions.

Portland Timbers 3-0 Real Salt Lake: Hitting Every Mark (and Hot Damn!)

How I'm keeping a clear head, or attempting to.

I saw a couple things in the time between the Portland Timbers absolutely nailed their final dress rehearsal for the 2019 season and actually sitting down to watch it. In fact, on my way to queuing up the archived stream, I saw the Bizarro-world score – i.e., one that had Real Salt Lake beating Portland 3-0 – but the opposite happened, of course. The Timbers won the game 3-0, and it took less than five minutes for the correct timeline to assert itself when Jeremy Ebobisse handled an Andy Polo cross and quietly slotted home Portland’s first goal.

Another moment better illustrates the way the game played out. Somewhere around the 68th minute, the ball rolled to Diego Valeri, with RSL’s Kyle Beckerman standing not more than a yard away. Beckerman bit hard to where he thought Valeri would take the ball, but Diego opened his body and guided the ball upfield, toward RSL’s goal. Beckerman grabbed Valeri to stop the break, picking up a yellow card for this pair of bad decisions. That one, short moment translates to the game writ large, because every player in Timbers green had moments very much like that happened over and over. The team brimmed with confidence yesterday – Zarek (freakin’) Valentin picked off a ball and pirouetted away with it with La Liga flair around the 10th minute, fer crissakes – and, to take the dimmest possible view of it, maybe that follows from having RSL’s number last season; maybe the two teams’ composition gives Portland a standing edge for now. A sunnier interpretation argues that good decisions and solid technique aligned in a way that promises at least some bright spots in the season that starts just one week from now.

What made me giddiest, though, was that RSL didn’t play a bad game. They forced at least three tough saves out of Jeff Attinella (at least) – including an early attempt by (I think Corey Baird) that took a desperate swing of the legs to keep the ball out of the goal. The ball that fed the attempt came from Damir Kreilach (playing as a second forward; see last paragraph) with a detour near Julio Cascante, and that underlines the very important point that Portland wasn’t perfect. But Cascante had a decent game, I’d argue his best of the preseason. And where he got beat, Attinella stepped into the breach left behind. Again, that phenomenon played out over and over, and all game. This, however, was more typical: at one point, RSL tried to play Baird around the right back (Jorge Villafana) the same way Portland had sent Andy Polo around (I think) Aaron Herrera throughout the first half to reasonably devastating effect (see, the first goal, and the third, just on the opposite side); in that moment, Baird had Villafana rummaging around his back pocket and with two more defenders left to beat inside. The organization was good, y’all.

Portland Timbers 2-2 New York Red Bulls: Choice Paradox

Much as I wouldn't know what to do with all those arms...

It took 70 minutes for Sebastian Blanco to get deep enough in Kyle Duncan’s head to take advantage. In that sense, I came away from this game more impressed by the New York Red Bulls youth than anything else. At the same time…Blanco is my favorite Timber for a reason.

From a Portland Timbers perspective, last night’s 2-2 draw against the Red Bulls coughs up too many variables to manage: too many dudes to assess, an opposing team that played a familiar system with different parts, and that’s on top of a state of play that only raised more questions. I blame preseason, and to the extent that I can’t decide whether the uneasy feeling from Wednesday’s win over the Seattle Sounders carries over. Not all B-teams are created equal, for starters, but New York has the power of their surprisingly reliable plug-‘n’-play system that goes quite a ways toward erasing that distinction. They don’t have an MLS Cup to show for it, but the Red Bulls have been the most reliably “money” team in MLS for nearly half a decade now – so says three of the last six Supporters’ Shields, so says last year’s league-leading goal differential.

Given all that, call this a good test for the Timbers. The result doesn’t mean anything, obviously, and ending in a tie makes it mean a little less, but, outside a whack at someone’s knuckles here and sharper questions there, just about every player performed well. Because the recap posted to MLSSoccer.com doesn’t provide the full treatment (e.g., no box score), I can’t say whether New York out-shot the Timbers. I suspect they generated more chances, and better ones, and that’s where my personal threat level tops out. Your feelings may vary – thanks in no small part to all the variables – so long as you rate the resilience of New York’s system (as I do), seeing Portland come back from two goals down against them felt like a decent evening’s work.

Most of the negatives I saw showed up on the defensive side and a lot of those showed up in the vicinity of Julio Cascante. The lowlight came when Cascante’s misplayed of a ball over the top that forced Larrys Mabiala into a tackle dicey enough for the ref to call it a penalty kick at first glance (it wasn’t; good call), but he also struggled more under the Red Bulls’ pressure than any Timbers this side of David Guzman. And, as alluded to, I don’t think Guzman looked all that sharp yesterday, and on either side of the ball, but he had more good moments than bad ones on balance, just like everyone else in Timbers green. That said, both goals were regrettable – the first for the way Villafana got caught forward and for the way Mabiala and Zarek Valentin lost Brian White between them, the second because that’s shit defending on a corner – and, again, you just don’t want to see that, even in preseason. Mistakes are one way to lose a game, so the fewer the better.

The Space In-Between: Catching up on MLS, the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati

Perfection is perfection, Mike Brady.

Major League Soccer’s offseason has lasted long enough for me. With an eye to keeping limber and toned, I’ll be tracking the league the same way I always do: once a week and from somewhere between a bird’s eye view and an airplane flight path. I will drill down on Thing 1 (Portland Timbers) and Thing 2 (FC Cincinnati) when there’s something to talk about with either – more on that below – but I’ll never see enough about any of the other teams to go granular on them. Fair warning.

Whether this starts a tradition or steps off from the wrong foot, I’m going to talk about MLS as a whole first – not least because the main point there applies to every team in MLS, including Thing 1 and Thing 2. (No, I’ll stop that right now…and has anyone ever done a version of that using penises for the “things”?)

When I read through (most of) Matt Doyle’s (aka, The Armchair Analyst’s) 2018 Global Review (which takes some time), two loose concepts kept surfacing: first, and most important, it gets a little easier every season for teams to lose touch with the pack in MLS, never mind the leaders; think your pudgier cyclists during the Tour de France. For those who journey through Doyle’s Labyrinth, you won’t read a naked and proud positive about any team until you get to the Number 18 spot (of 23 MLS teams), where he notes that Mauro Manotas balled out for the Houston Dynamo in 2018, scoring 25 goals across all competitions. The teams below Houston’s playoff-dodging squad are 2018’s pudgy cyclists – e.g., your San Jose Earthquakes, Orlando City SCs, the Colorado Rapids, the Chicago Fire, Toronto FC – the squads who put one foot in front of the other here and there last season, but never enough to really be part of the playoff conversation. Doyle used a really clean call-response to sum up Orlando’s season, but the same applied to them all (and Houston, honestly, and probably Minnesota United FC too):

“DISAPPOINTMENT: The whole season, really.”

Still, one team underlines the point about falling behind better than the rest: San Jose. They ended 2018 the worst team in MLS, none of their signings returned on investment, the head coach, Mikael Stahre, never really settled in and got yanked before the end of the season (having built no confidence), and Chris Wondolowski aged another year. Shit was bleak, basically, even if admirably scrappy. San Jose also won the Supporters’ Shield in 2012 with a sound defense and a set of brawlers for forwards. The league moved on, the ‘Quakes fell behind, and, despite some effort (but….the world’s longest outdoor bar?!), they haven’t yet figured out how to catch up. Every team in MLS: This could be you. You don’t want this to be you, so don’t let it be you.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Seattle Sounders: Success, Wheatfields, and Andy Polo

Middle fingers, all of 'em. YEEAAHHHH!!!

I showed up late to the game, mostly because I like to skip the National Anthem. (Honestly, I’m patriotic and appreciative as the next guy, I’m just not a fan of enforced rituals.) From the moment I walked in all the way through the Seattle Sounders’ opening goal, I never saw a Timbers’ player touch the ball in anything but desperation. In so many words, the omens didn’t favor victory.

I got no better sign of how much this series matters to Portland Timbers fans than the freakin’ wheat-field’s worth of middle fingers that went up all around my section (210) after Jeremy Ebobisse knocked in a finish beyond his years. Just to note it, the more I watch this kid play the more my brain silently repeats, “buy in, buy in, buy in.” Those voices in my head have no idea how hard that is for me.

This game’s actual miracle moment came when Diego Valeri dribbled through at least two tackles and flailed in the aftermath of one more to feed Sebastian Blanco the game-winner. After Blanco shrugged off some Sounders drapery to knock his goal past Seattle goalkeeper Stefan Frei, the sea of middle fingers rose again and underlined just how big this series feels in these parts. Is that healthy? Probably not, but that’s what’s going on and, golly, was I happy to take in the game live and in person. The mob mentality must have got to me because both my middle fingers shot up after both goals; this shit is infectious. The second goal was doubly satisfying after watching Cristian Roldan limp toward the farthest possible point of the sideline before stepping off the field. I have no idea why that pissed me off as much as it did, but I’m confident that Ted Unkel’s ultra-passive calls slid a burner under that and heated it to boiling. I want to sit down with him and ask how he only raised one yellow card through the length of that match…and I’m willing to listen.

After two late misses (one for either team) and an offside goal for the Timbers, that was all she wrote (here, I assume the author is Agatha Christie). Most importantly, the Timbers recovered from getting run over and scored on early to take a sadly slim 2-1 lead in this playoff series. As amazing as that was in the moment, it’s going to take some doing to make that score hold up in the second leg. A 1-0 Seattle win in Seattle is all it will take to send the Sounders through and that score-line fits that teams profile like personally-crafted skinny jeans (even my butt would look good). All the same, this win gives Portland a chance and, deeply apprehensive as I am about the road ahead, that’s all I can ask for, really.

Portland Timbers 3-2 Columbus Crew SC: SUB VALERI (goddammit)

It's just right.

I want to start these notes on a, frankly, relieving win with an apology. Knowing full well that I had at least two full rows of Columbus Crew SC fans in front me, I yelled something very close to this somewhere around Columbus’ second (or third) shot on goal:

“Fuck it. Move ‘em to Austin.”

I don’t think it was just fans either. I think it was spouses and families. And they heard it. I saw the heads turn for the game of "Spot the Asshole." And...to anyone who heard that, I want Columbus to keep the Crew and get a spruced up stadium to boot...and I hope those aren't mutually exclusive. Just jokes…

A friend was kind enough to extend an invite, I got to watch this one live tonight and, honestly, the experience only continued my love/hate relationship with watching soccer live. The angle is never as good as you get on TV - especially buried deep in the southwest corner of the stadium - but, 1) I caught up with an old friend (invaluable past the age of 35); and 2) I had the best possible view of Andy Polo’s debut goal in a Portland Timbers uniform. It was by no means graceful and maybe a quarter planned, at most, but it was also welcome as Christmas morning, and, if I’m not misinterpreting Polo’s celebration, he had ample reason to thank his Lord and Savior for that one.

It was a night of firsts in some ways. David Guzman scored his first goal of his leggy 2018 season [Ed. - Correction: The author fucked up; that was, in fact, Guzman's third goal of 2018 and, as further penance, here is his first goal of 2018 (nice shot, too), and here's his second goal, Hail, Mary, full of grace, etc.], and Steve Clark played his first all-round sound game in a Timbers uniform…just fuckin’ with you, Steve. In all seriousness, hats off, Steve, not just for every free-kick you covered tonight, or every tough save you made, but for all the times you looked more upset than anyone else at every defensive failing. Respect.

Portland wound up winning this entirely vital game 3-2 - Niko Hansen scored his second of two goals (here’s #1) for Columbus, while Samuel Armenteros owes Lalas Abubakar a…let’s go with a Long Island Ice Tea for knocking his tight-angled effort past Crew SC ‘keeper Zak Steffen. In spite of a positively groggy start by Portland (Columbus families: This was my trigger! I’m usually very, very nice (I think)), the 3-1 that held for damn near 60 minutes of this game gives a more accurate read on its lived experience. As tricky as my view made it to read the game, I still believe I saw the Timbers defense round into shape between 25-30 minutes in (had a decent angle for that) and, once the Timbers switched from chasing Crew SC's attack to managing, I told my friend, maybe even before Polo scored, “I think Portland chokes this out.”

To anyone who doubts the MMA has had an impact on our culture…well, that one’s pretty benign, as it goes.

Los Angeles FC 3-2 Portland Timbers: Asprisgha, and Other Things That Went Wrong Tonight

Never forget. I won't.

Because it’s mid-week, I’m playing my subs. This’ll be short. The Portland Timbers’ 2018 U.S. Open Cup run died a grating death tonight, with a 3-2 loss to Los Angeles FC.

I’m not going to blame our depth, even though the depth failing to either mesh or produce proved the decisive factor. Sure, the Portland Timbers could have fielded their starters, they could have really gone from broke in this one, and let the subs try to manage L’Impact Montreal at the weekend. I would have preferred that, because I thought - and still think - that this was the bigger game.

The biggest problem, as I see it, followed from the Timbers having to chase a game, and with backups, for the first time since the beginning of June (in the draw against the Los Angeles Galaxy). Fun fact: the Timbers have rarely needed to claw back into a game in all of 2018; since this season’s rocky start, Portland has either scored the first goal, or kept a clean sheet in every game this season, except for tonight, that draw against Los Angeles and another draw against FC Dallas way the hell back in March. In other words, this game went wildly out of Portland’s game plan, especially when LAFC scored their second just before the half following the sustained, slow-motion breakdown by Portland’s defense. That made coming back a bigger ask than the depth players showed any signs of pulling off. And I’ll pick on them for a second, but first…

Just to note it, LAFC should have won this game 4-2, because Adama Diomande was not offside when he slotted that late shot under Portland’s Jeff Attinella, while he was…just a massive asshole over those last 15-20 minutes [Ed. - According to rumors, getting called the "n-word" by a Timbers player lit that fire. If that did, in fact happen, the cross-out states my position on it. Had he punched the offending player, I would have been fine with it.] Also, Attinella had some great saves tonight. My point with this paragraph is simply to acknowledge that the Timbers really did lose this game. This one sucked, and more than most. Barring a major flip in form or fortune, the path to the 2018 U.S. Open Cup runs through this bracket. And Portland just cashed out…

San Jose Earthquakes 0-1 Portland Timbers: Paredes...Polo...Paredes...Polo...

Searching...as am I.

First things first, what adjective would you, personally, apply to that win: impressive, inspiring, expected, or solid?

Also, I have my poll…

Over the opening 30 minutes, just about everything around and about the Portland Timbers felt good, loose, and something heartwarmingly-close to cruise control. Whenever that changed over the next 60 minutes, Portland ‘keeper, Jeff Attinella, held up to the task; his 36th minute save might have knocked the socks off, but I got the bigger boost later in the game, when he lunged forward to clear a ball about 30 yards from Portland’s goal - i.e., well inside no-man’s land. Attinella played that moment with confidence, like he knew where the people around him would either be, or go, when he stepped forward. The general trends look strong and real, but that detail - a growing sense of who does what, when and where on the field - goes farthest in terms of making me think Portland could have places to go this season. (Mostly*.) With five road games behind them (e.g., Portland  has home games in the bank), and a 1-0 win picked up last night against the San Jose Earthquakes at Avaya Stadium - I feel like I’m going to go home happy more often than not in 2018.

Whether glorious or not, Attinella’s saves amounted to rounding up to some dangerous strays because the Timbers won this game on their merits. Alternately, it could be argued that San Jose lost this game on their faults; Anibal Godoy’s knack for the hard, pointless foul took the honors, but, contrary to Ross Smith’s mid-second-half commentary, Portland transitioned at will against San Jose, and for most of the game. San Jose responded in kind more often than I’d like - especially from minutes 55-75 - but they never could break through. And, when they did…Attinella.

So, again, impressive, inspiring, expected, or solid?

The team kept good shape for most of the game, and didn’t give the ‘Quakes much, but the Timbers hardly racked up chances. I know Fanendo Adi had a few (left foot, kid) - the kind that inspire the “oh, shit, that was close” stomach drop a little more than the rest - and the game played openly, as a whole, but I didn’t get the shooting gallery I saw as a real possibility. In fact, this game looked ever more likely to end goal-less as the game clock clicked higher. Beneath the lack of drama, though, a specific tension that would finally turn the game developed. As he got overwhelmed, little by little, Godoy resorted to more and dumber fouls, starting with his clumsy tug on Diego Chara in the middle (or thereabouts) of the second half. When Godoy finally fouled Diego Valeri in a dangerous place, but…c’mom, how many times does that free kick go missing? Or, more bluntly, it didn’t really occur to me to cross my fingers or anything else when Valeri stepped up; that’s the difference between hoping for something to happen and thinking it will, never mind expecting it. And, can I say it? Valeri hit that with textbook perfection. No, not like the shitty textbooks Texas dumps on the country like Chinese steel, but one of the good ones. I’ve seen prettier, big-bending free kicks than the shot Valeri dipped over San Jose’s wall, but not many that followed directions that neatly. San Jose’s ‘keeper, Andrew Tarbell (who is good), set his wall, took his position in the gap left behind, and Diego “Bless’d King” Valeri, chipped the ball over the wall, beyond Tarbell’s reach and - HELLO, beautiful! - first road win of the season!

5 Questions for the Portland Timbers...After a Buncha Shit

I mean broadly, right? Does it feel new to you?

“With the exception of Powell, it’s been a disappointing preseason for the Timbers’ back six. Vytas’s job, obviously, isn’t secure. Olum has been only not-terrible in fill-in duty. Guzman has been subpar. Ridgewell and Mabiala have both been up-and-down. #RCTID”

- Chris Rifer tweet

Rather than speak directly as to how I feel about that tweet - for I have opinions on every point about each named name - I’ll go on for two-three pages in various directions from all that.

First, I watched three preseason games this season - that dispiriting loss to FC Dallas, the B-side scrimmage rout against New York Red Bulls II, and tonight’s 3-2 Jekyll-Hyde win against the Portland Timbers sub-nemesis, Sporting Kansas City (how does a team exorcise a double post?). In the broadest possible terms, that translated to 3 halves of depressingly flaccid soccer from Portland, against one good half and a certain number of glances down fresh avenues that look promising. As for the New York II game, I’m not sure it matters, at least not outside bolstering one particular legend.

I’m going to end/build this post around forwarding 5 questions about the Portland Timbers going into this 2018 season, but I want to park on tonight’s game before getting to those, because 1) it’s our freshest shared experience (come with me, kids!), and 2) it touches on some of the relevant sub-plots to those questions.

To start, however, with one of the least relevant points, Jake Gleeson bailed out the Timbers tonight (with one vital assist from David Guzman(?)). Contrary to the tweet above, Alvas Powell hogged the spotlight in a drunk karaoke vein - i.e., he commanded attention again and again, but missed key notes in crucial moments, and the Geiger count on those moments tracked with proximity to goal; in other words, Powell’s been Powell so far. As for big revelations, if Samuel Armenteros’ preseason hasn’t kindled some hope in your heart, seek professional help, because that fucker’s probably necrotic (shit…yer heart, not Armenteros). Between his mobility, visible glee at combination play, and a highlight reel of good finishes (and none of his finishes for Portland have looked that good so far), Armenteros looks genuinely promising - in a way that a lot of this preseason has not.

In spite of today’s come-back - which, incidentally, lifted Portland a 2-2-1/respectable preseason - Vytas Andruiskevicius busted a hamstring. (Also, thank god for Marco Farfan, and good luck, kid!) And I’m still coming to terms with the full meaning of seeing Dairon Asprilla as my second brightest spot to preseason 2018 - that’s after Armenteros. I mean…that has implications, right?