MLS Weakly, 03 27 2021: The Weakliest of Weaklies...

Hangry for games/results.

This week, the Weakly will truly live up to its name. Yessir…

The Major League Soccer preseason continues, but the league’s brain trust has made it…bafflingly hard to keep track of who’s doing what. While I’m confident that some kind of rich asshole logic informs decisions like, say, failing to update the preseason schedules/scores page - particularly when it comes to preseason games against teams from other leagues - or the regionally-restricted streaming that blacked-out FC Cincinnati’s preseason game (and win!) against (and over!) Chicago Fire FC, the upshot is the same: I’m stuck getting second-hand intel on the Portland Timbers’ and Cincinnati’s respective preseasons from the Happy Friends who live in my phone.

Fortunately, the news has been good for FC Cincy and…goodish for the Timbers. The former just wrapped up a 2-1 win over Chicago as I’m typing, while Portland dropped a hint they’ll continue last season’s formula of scoring more (or as many) goals than (the considerable number) they allow with a 3-3 draw against Sporting Kansas City earlier this week. I’d like to have more to say about both games - my Kingdom for even one puckish insight - but I can’t have much to say about what I don’t see…though the Happy Friends in My Phone, Ohio Chapter, seemed pretty happy with what they saw against Chicago. Luciano Acosta scored one and new-kid Calvin Harris added one more by following up a “dummy,” and there’s some enthusing about the depth (ht: @GeoffTebbetts) that feels encouraging.

I suppose I’m not totally paralyzed. For instance, you can glean things here and there - e.g., that Chicago had edged both New York City FC and the Philadelphia Union before tripping over li’l ol’ Cincinnati - and add other results - e.g., that NYCFC beat both Orlando City SC and Columbus Crew SC after dropping that scrimmage to Chicago, or that Philadelphia has lost to everyone they’ve played thus far - but nothing replaces direct observation and I’m…just annoyed with the powers that be and wish they’d stop choking off access to this stuff. Moreover, I refuse to check three different sites trying to figure out how, say, the Seattle Sounders fared against Tacoma Defiance on March 25th, or how Atlanta United FC played against Chattanooga FC the day before (or did that one get postponed due to COVID?).

[UPDATE: The Mothership finally stirred itself to update some scores (maybe they want a monopoly on product?), including games for Minnesota United FC, Real Salt Lake, FC Dallas and Red Bull New York. The results went...mostly as expected, with the two standouts being Minnesota kicking the holy shit out of the Charleston Battery (srsly, 9-0) and the Red Bulls losing 0-2 to Miami FC.]

Therefore and pursuant thereto, it is with great regret that I just give up and post notes on the random, speculative horseshit that The Mothership posts during every offseason - e.g., “each MLS team’s breakout player candidate” and “the Top 10 newcomers.” After that, I’ll look at the schedules for Portland and Cincinnati and try to wring some more bullshit out of that. If I survive the humiliation and psychic pain of those processes, I might close out with notes on the progress of the U.S. Men’s Olympic Team in their attempts to qualify for this summer’s Tokyo Olympics…

…or I might just give up and link to a couple points of interest. Moving on….to nowhere. Thanks, stingy assholes…

MLS Weakly, 03 20 2021: Portland and Cincinnati in (Updated) Context & Olympic Qualifying

Because where you start matters...

With all the hot preseason action on the calendar for today, I almost held this post till tomorrow. More games = more data, even barebones results, but, then I remembered, 1) we’re currently in the “pre” phase of preseason, something that makes every result more suspect, plus 2) there’s U.S. Men’s Olympic Qualifying tomorrow - and at a time I can actually absorb it (e.g., it’s not during working hours). Speaking of, I caught about 30 disjointed minutes’ worth of the U.S. Yout’ win over Costa Rica, but, lacking anything approaching expert analysis, I’ll bury my loose thoughts on that at the bottom post. They're pissy, in case that entices anyone.

In fact, this entire post will be half-reversed in that, rather than start with news/commentary/bullshit on the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati, I’ll interpoloate that among the league-wide stuff. The thinking there is that whatever either team has (Cincinnati) or hasn’t (Portland) done recently happens in the context of what every other team in Major League Soccer does, especially within their respective conferences. (Related: anyone know when the full schedule comes out? Any word on whether the 2021 regular season will be “regular”?)

First things first, the preseason results continue to roll in [Ed. - I’ll update this section tomorrow in the event anything interesting happens today.], so I thought I’d flag any eye-catching results as I go. The pickins remain slim and some apparent points of interest - e.g., the Colorado Rapids’ so-far perfect start to the season - deserve ignoring - e.g., both of the Rapids’ wins came in two 45-minute scrimmages, so moving on. Yes, it’s all very contingent, but, newbies Austin FC logged an impressive result against OKC Energy - a USL 1 team, obviously, but the 4-1 score makes for a good debut by an expansion side. Atlanta United FC, meanwhile, keeps landing results that make their ominous-on-paper handicapping hold up.

[UPDATE: MLS had a busy March 20, with (at least) seven pre-game matches taking place. As always, keep the usual caveats about preseason in mind (e.g., did both teams start a full squad, and so on) as you consider the following: the Rapids remain perfect in preseason with a slim win over Sporting Kansas City; going the other way, the Philadephia Union remains completely imperfect after going down 0-1 against Chicago Fire FC - who also remain perfect for preseason. (NOTE: The Rapids wrap up gives you Colorado's line-up, at least, while you get jack and shit from Chicago's round-up.) Meanwhile, (clap, clap, clap) deep in the heart of Texas, FC Dallas becme the second MLS team to kick the crap out of OKC Energy, with Ricardo Pepi scoring two in their 4-0 win, while the Houston Dynamo played Austin Bold, only no one cared to post that score. The Los Angeles Galaxy couldn't get better than a 1-1 draw against San Diego Loyal and, finally, in a result that FC Cincinnati fans should mind, despite the pain of it, Nashville SC beat Louisville City all up and down (i.e., they rolled 4-0), which makes for a stinky smell-test against Cincy's earlier 0-3 loss the same team.

Finally, my Portland Timbers came out 3-1 winners against the USL's Phoenix Rising (ya ain't risin' yet, MFs!). It was good to see Tega Ikoba score one, even if I don't know who he is (ah, he's an academy kid, now on T2), while Diego Valeri kept rolling from a frankly inspiring 2020 with a goal and an assist. They've got (low-angle) highlights of all the goals (except Phoenix's) in the link above, so drink it on up. My only real thought on the result and Portland's preseason generally, they need all the positive energy they can get when they roll into CD Marathon's digs in the CCL, so keep the Ws coming...please.]

MLS Weakly, 03 14 2021: Olympic Qualifying, Preseason....We Got GAMES, Y'All!

Call it due diligence, call it ass-covering, I'm good.

First, and happily, there will be soccer this week - and in games that’ll count - when the U.S. Men’s Olympic Team (USMOT?) kicks off its crash-course qualification schedule in Mexico. I mean, this thing will be over in a flash.

The USMOT starts with Costa Rica on Thursday (3:30 pm PST), then the Dominican Republic on Sunday (5 pm PST), then the following Wednesday against Mexico (7:30 pm PST; all games airing on FS1). They’ll need to finish either first or second in their Group (A) to qualify for the semifinals and, in order to qualify for Tokyo (assuming it happens), they’ll just need to win that semifinal; the final, as it turns out, is for bragging rights alone. And, to finish the thought, their potential universe of opponents for that semifinal include, El Salvador, Haiti, Honduras, and Canada - and who among isn’t hoping for the 54-40 or Fight Derby?

As for handicapping, I have fan acquaintance-level familiarity with most of the roster (the exceptions: Matthew Freese, Mauricio Pineda, Johnny Cardoso, Ulysses Llanez, Andres Perea, and Sebastian Saucedo, and Sebastian Soto), but, because I don’t know even a quarter’s worth of dick about the opposition, I won’t pretend to have anything insightful, never mind useful to say. Matt Doyle raised a couple questions about the final roster - short version: he’s dubious on the calls at forward (for why no Jeremy Ebobisse?) and the FC Cincinnati 2019-esque midfield construction (for why no Eryk Williamson?) - so I’ll let those points stand. Overall, though, I’m just happy to know I’ll have some familiar faces kicking a ball in anger (and, ideally, joy) late next week - and in games that count.

The meaningless games have started as well - i.e., Major League Soccer preseason is (finally) under way - giving MLS fans the first (meaningless) results of the 2021 season. Not many teams have played so far, and fewer still have played anything bigger than an intra-squad scrimmage, but FC Cincinnati was one of them. I’ll get to that (reported shit-show) when I get to them, but here are the other results that count (e.g., not intra-squad (Dallas? Houston?), not victimizing the local college team, etc.):

Atlanta United 3-0 Tormenta FC (c’mon, they made up that name)
Chicago Fire 2-1 New York City FC
Sporting Kansas City 4-0 Phoenix Rising

To answer at least one person’s question (you, at the back), Jesus, no, I won’t list every preseason result between now and First Kick; blame the little frisson I feel at seeing games between teams I recognize this time ‘round. The SKC result looks about right and maybe I’d have something to add about Atlanta’s result if I knew what a “tormenta” was, but the result in the Chicago v NYCFC game feels worth bookmarking - for now, anyway.