MLS Weakly, 03 27 2021: The Weakliest of Weaklies...

Hangry for games/results.

This week, the Weakly will truly live up to its name. Yessir…

The Major League Soccer preseason continues, but the league’s brain trust has made it…bafflingly hard to keep track of who’s doing what. While I’m confident that some kind of rich asshole logic informs decisions like, say, failing to update the preseason schedules/scores page - particularly when it comes to preseason games against teams from other leagues - or the regionally-restricted streaming that blacked-out FC Cincinnati’s preseason game (and win!) against (and over!) Chicago Fire FC, the upshot is the same: I’m stuck getting second-hand intel on the Portland Timbers’ and Cincinnati’s respective preseasons from the Happy Friends who live in my phone.

Fortunately, the news has been good for FC Cincy and…goodish for the Timbers. The former just wrapped up a 2-1 win over Chicago as I’m typing, while Portland dropped a hint they’ll continue last season’s formula of scoring more (or as many) goals than (the considerable number) they allow with a 3-3 draw against Sporting Kansas City earlier this week. I’d like to have more to say about both games - my Kingdom for even one puckish insight - but I can’t have much to say about what I don’t see…though the Happy Friends in My Phone, Ohio Chapter, seemed pretty happy with what they saw against Chicago. Luciano Acosta scored one and new-kid Calvin Harris added one more by following up a “dummy,” and there’s some enthusing about the depth (ht: @GeoffTebbetts) that feels encouraging.

I suppose I’m not totally paralyzed. For instance, you can glean things here and there - e.g., that Chicago had edged both New York City FC and the Philadelphia Union before tripping over li’l ol’ Cincinnati - and add other results - e.g., that NYCFC beat both Orlando City SC and Columbus Crew SC after dropping that scrimmage to Chicago, or that Philadelphia has lost to everyone they’ve played thus far - but nothing replaces direct observation and I’m…just annoyed with the powers that be and wish they’d stop choking off access to this stuff. Moreover, I refuse to check three different sites trying to figure out how, say, the Seattle Sounders fared against Tacoma Defiance on March 25th, or how Atlanta United FC played against Chattanooga FC the day before (or did that one get postponed due to COVID?).

[UPDATE: The Mothership finally stirred itself to update some scores (maybe they want a monopoly on product?), including games for Minnesota United FC, Real Salt Lake, FC Dallas and Red Bull New York. The results went...mostly as expected, with the two standouts being Minnesota kicking the holy shit out of the Charleston Battery (srsly, 9-0) and the Red Bulls losing 0-2 to Miami FC.]

Therefore and pursuant thereto, it is with great regret that I just give up and post notes on the random, speculative horseshit that The Mothership posts during every offseason - e.g., “each MLS team’s breakout player candidate” and “the Top 10 newcomers.” After that, I’ll look at the schedules for Portland and Cincinnati and try to wring some more bullshit out of that. If I survive the humiliation and psychic pain of those processes, I might close out with notes on the progress of the U.S. Men’s Olympic Team in their attempts to qualify for this summer’s Tokyo Olympics…

…or I might just give up and link to a couple points of interest. Moving on….to nowhere. Thanks, stingy assholes…

In Which I Try to Restart That Thing with the U.S. Men's National Team...

The mood I'm battling.

Seeing as we may not get a 2020 Major League Soccer regular season, now seems like a good time to return to an old hook-up, aka, the U.S. Men’s National Team…

…yeah, yeah, I’d be stunned stupid if MLS let CBA negotiations scuttle a landmark season (25th anniversary’s a biggie), but these are stupid times, so buckle up, I guess?

Back to the task at hand, though, the U.S. Men start qualifying for 2022 Bizarro World Cup this year, so there’s no time like the present for all concerned to gear up, players and fans. And, honestly, I’d like to get on board, but…well, that’s gotten harder since those faraway years when, because I didn’t really have an MLS team to cheer for, the U.S. Men’s National Team was my team. Back then, half the reason I followed MLS was to learn about the player pool. 25 years later, I’m a lot, lot dumber about what the U.S. has for options and, in a particularly comic twist, following the U.S. Men reminds me of how I used to keep one eye on MLS while I tracked the Portland Timbers’ fate in the USL; that’s to say, the only time I see Christian Pulisic play comes during the rare occasions I see him play for the U.S. Men. Based on that visual diet – i.e., watching a frustrated Pulisic kick at the sub seats (and did I dream this?) after departing at the tail of another anemic performance – is it any wonder I find Pulisic something less than great shakes?

Also, don’t get me started on when and where they air the goddamn games. It’s like they want to fail.

As of today, I’m biting back all that anger and just…trying to get excited about the U.S. Men again and, hopefully, seeing them qualify for FIFA’s latest monstrosity (aka, Qatar 2022, coming that Christmas, apparently). Saturday’s friendly against Costa Rica will be the next step in that process (ESPNews, guys? Really?). The first step will be…honestly, just figuring out what they hell is going on – e.g., how are the CONCACAF teams qualifying for 2022 (or even Gold Cup 2021), and what the silly fuck was the CONCACAF Nations League?