The Ten Most Interesting Things That Happened in, on, or Before MLS Week 21* (Really. I Did the Math.)

To kick this off with some programming notes:

1) Any and all preview posts I write will go up on reddit from this day forward. It’s the only way I can think to a) rein in the length, and b) keep myself from getting too far over my skis.

2) Portland Timbers match reports will continue go up in this space until a) the heat-death of the sun, b) my own death, c) I move those over to reddit with an eye to reining in their length and keeping myself from getting too far over my skis, or d) I lose interest and close this blog for the 10th(?) time.

3) I have spent literal years figuring out how to both minimize and maximize my soccer/MLS-watching time – which, unless you either get paid to do it or have absolutely nothing else you want to do, truly is an economic exercise.

Up next, a new concept and/or gimmick, depending how you look at it.

Pursuant to Article No. 3 of the preamble, any random fan with a job, a wife, two kids, a cat and a dog (fine, two cats, no dogs; also, one of my all-time favorite movies!), and another hobby can know only so much about the triumphs, sorrows and general goings-on of the 29 teams currently competing in Major League Soccer. With that in mind…and I think I’m still on the preamble…

This post officially launches the [Number] Most Interesting Things That Happened in, on, or Before MLS Week [Number]. Over the first…currently going with 10 weeks of the regular season, it will be Five Things, Week 10-30 (or 25; we'll see) will be Ten things, and Week 30-34 will go back down to Five Things – unless circumstances force me to keep that number higher, which, honestly, I don’t believe they will.

These posts will go up only once per week, i.e., I’m not gonna fuck around with the midweek thing pursuant to the unnumbered Article No. 4 (the one about a wife, two kids, etc.). This is actually better because two games is reliably better than one when it comes to ginning up talking points.

This project will continue under the same rules as Article No. 2 of the Preamble, with the following amendment: e) I lose interest in these posts because I can’t figure out how to consistently post them under the time constraints I have laid down outside the parameters of the above preamble.

With all that out of the way, here are…

The Ten Most Interesting Things That Happened in, on, or Before MLS Week 21*
(* That number is the average number of games played for all teams across MLS, instead of just Inter Miami CF.)

1) FC Cincinnati Finally Claws Its Way to the Top
Under the well-established rule that goals change games, Cincy’s win could have been a lot closer than 6-1, perhaps even totally different, had Miami put away any of the several chances they created around Sergii Kryvtsov’s 21st minute equalizer. They did not (ha, ha, ha!) and Cincinnati ran away with the game from there – and with a game in hand to spare. I did watch (nearly all of this one) and the stats page doesn’t lie: when the Orange & Blue created chances, they created big ones. With a nod toward and a need to buy pints for Roman Celentano, Cincy’s win and place of honor was well-deserved in every sense of the word.

2) Columbus Crew SC Running at a Shield-Winning Pace
On the one hand, sure, they’re running it up against some mugs – e.g., their last four games: v SKC, @ NE, v NSH, v TFC (make of that what you will) – but all those games have remained within the refined bandwidth of routs and taking care of business. We’re talking 15 goals for, 1 goal against “tilt” toward Columbus. Very much related, that brings them to 8-2-0 over their past 10 – something only la crema de crema (aka, the five teams above them) manage – and their goal differential over that time: +19 (28 goals for, 9 against). Very real for the MLS Cup pool.

3) LAFC Finally Pegs Some Real Points
LAFC boasts a record even more impressive than Columbus’ – 9-0-1…bitches! (sorry, it fits!) – but they’ve benefitted from a similar boost, i.e., playing struggling and/or backsliding opposition. More to the point, they’re not burying ‘em like Columbus – especially once you take the 6-1 romp over the highly-rompable San Jose Earthquakes out of the picture. To their very real credit, their past two games have seen them rise to defend both quality and honor with a home win over the Colorado Rapids and a “road” win over the Galaxy. With ups and downs dutifully acknowledged, both those teams hover close enough to LAFC’s weight class to count as real opposition. Related…

4) What Brings the Rapids & The Galaxy Together
Both Colorado and OG LA (aka, the Galaxy) have genuinely impressive recent results – i.e., they’re both 5-1-0 over their past six games (timeframe chosen because it synchs) – but a lot of those games range from should-win to must-win. For your pleasure/judgment:

Colorado’s Last 6: v ATX, @ STL, v MTL, @ LAFC (L), v SKC, v STL

OG LA’s Last 6: v SKC, v NYC, @ RSL, @ SJ, v LAFC (L), v MIN

I won’t dig into those results beyond arguing that only two of those results strike me as impressive (full disclosure, sight unseen): at St. Louis for the Rapids and @ RSL for the Galaxy. Make of that what you will.

5) Red Bulls (Enduring?) Diuretic Episode
As in, they’re pissing away points. The Red Bulls (aka, New Jersey, aka, Harrison, aka…) may be 4th in the East, but they’re going nowhere fast – of which, lucky them, most of the teams below them have stopped for lunch, and possibly a nap. New Jersey may not be alone when it comes to struggling to win in 2024, but the opponent/venue/result data from their last six games explains a lot:

@ NE (L), v NSH (D), @ MTL (D), v TFC (W), v DC (D), @ PHI (D)

A good team gets more than seven points out of that, full stop. Related…

6) “Good” Teams Gone Bad & How Reliable They Are Now
Remember when people wondered how far each or all of DC United (killer press + Benteke!), Toronto FC (just one goal allowed over their first five games!) or Minnesota United FC would go in 2024? Behold, their past 10 results:

DC: LTLTLLLTLL (three points from 30)

Toronto: WLTTLLLLLL (five points from 30, but also zero from the last 18)

Minnesota: TLWTLLLLLL (Awww…twins!)

The San Jose Earthquakes have been like this all season (pour one out…), and so has SKC to some extent, but the other three…I mean, what says it better than the most famous line from On the Waterfront?

7) Pulling for SKC a Little and, Yes, It Does Feel Weird
To be clear, Sporting KC has ate their bowl of shit before, inexplicably asking for more – e.g., their last 10 results ain’t great, at LLLWLLLWLW – but those two wins over their past three games? One came against Austin, the other against Dallas. Neither of those are great teams, obviously, but SKC’s showing enough signs of life to ruin an afternoon for your (marginal) local team. Meanwhile, somewhere above the playoff line…

8) Houston’s Very Real Ceiling & Why They’re Still Quietly Terrifying
To be clear…again, Houston is not a competitive team in MLS. Maybe they’ll become so after they fully onboard Ezequiel Ponce (Is he any good? Dunno.), but, like Ponce’s time in MLS, all of that will only come good when it does. The important thing, at least for the here and now: Houston can punch points out of quality teams, i.e., Ben Olsen is back, baybee. Houston will probably make the playoffs and, if you’re unlikely, shit all over your local team’s first round. Built to disappoint, maybe even demoralize.

9) Lurking Beneath the Whitecaps: A Quiet Rally
Despite sharing Cascadia with the two most important teams in the MLS Extended Universe – i.e., the Portland Timbers and the Seattle Sounders – the Vancouver Whitecaps only escape achieve the terminal velocity needed to escape my blind-spot when they actually play the Timbers. So imagine my surprise when I noticed them, just one point and as many places behind my Portland Timbers, with two wins over their past two games (4-3 at St. Louis, 3-1 at Minnesota) and with two games in hand. The lesson of the story: always check your sixes, people.

10) Speaking of…
The following teams have played 20 games:
Columbus and the New England Revolution

And, more pertinent to the Western Conference, the following teams have played 21 games:
LAFC, Vancouver, and Houston

Check your sixes, as needed, and see you for the next one…which will be far, far less trend oriented. Probably.