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| If "pure vessel" doesn't lead with something terrifying, maybe there's hope. |
I’ve flirted with reviewing some of the condensed games
before posting this in the past, but Week 3 stood up for the virtues of the
current (accidental) system. The reality is that if I start to poke around box
scores and even the highlights, some (potentially) false narratives start
getting introduced. To give a particularly…poignant
example, if I’d only checked the box score for FC Cincinnati’s 3-0 win over the
Portland Timbers, I might read them having a chance into it. The highlights
probably would have corrected it, but that still risks putting inaccurate,
faulty, or, in so many words, delusional bullshit into the mix, because
Portland folded like fucking orgami when they folded.
Down below, and perhaps for the last time this regular
season, all the commentary below follows exclusively from the results – that’s
excepting FC Cincinnati’s win over the Portland Timbers, upon which I commented on at some length here (and this is your source for any references to “extended
comments” in connection with Portland or Cincinnati down below). As much as I
believe in the purity of a results-only process – as opposed to seeing that
“next great thing” that gives your team hope, but that also has to come
together at some point, or who gives a shit – my personal (largely
self-enforced) schedule precludes that kind of purity. This time, though, I
haven’t seen so much as one highlight reel (with intent), or read even one
recap about any other game besides Cincinnati v. Portland. The focus here is on
the final product produced by each team over the past three weeks, exclusively.
Finally, as close observers might notice, I do keep
rearranging the teams every week…yes, loosely “ranking” them according to some
loose frame of how I read each team’s strength. To underscore the overall
point, everything below is based on 1) Week 3’s results and, 2) any impressions
that carried over from watching previous condensed games and/or last season
(see: the San Jose Earthquakes, Toronto FC, and Real Salt Lake, if to varying
degrees). Until I/we have more to work with, the recent past, combined with the
muscle memory stuff is all MLS fans have to work on. With that, below is a
modestly-global shot of the recent records for every team in Major League
Soccer and, less importantly, my comments on them. Until the data firms up,
these are guesses. Also, enjoy!
SEATTLE SOUNDERS,
3-0-0, 9 points, 10 gf, 3 ga, (2-0-0 home, 1-0-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
|
v CIN
|
v COL
|
@ CHI
|
|
4-1
|
2-0
|
4-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Perfect record, scoring freely, defending
just fine…just note the competiton.
Next Game: @ Vancouver Whitecaps. And the hits keep on
a-coming! REALLY hard to see Seattle losing this one…
DC UNITED, 2-0-1, 7
points, 7 gf, 0 ga, (2-0-0 home, 0-0-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
|
v ATL
|
@ NYC
|
v RSL
|
|
2-0
|
0-0
|
5-0
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: On the one hand, they’re playing teams
with problems running from slow starts (e.g., Atlanta and NYCFC) to sucking
eggs on the road (RSL). On the other…they haven’t given up a goal, guys.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! @ Orlando. It’s hard to beat
Orlando (for now) when you’re looking for a chance to get your road game going.
LOS ANGELES FC,
2-0-1, 7 points, 8 gf, 4 ga, (2-0-0 home, 0-0-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
|
v SKC
|
v POR
|
@ NYC
|
|
2-1
|
4-1
|
2-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: The main thing I’m looking for between the
condensed game and the box score is whether LAFC out-played NYCFC. All good
results so far.
Next Game: v. RSL, aka, another chance to flounce their reputation.
COLUMBUS CREW SC,
2-0-1, 7 points, 4 gf, 1 ga, (1-0-1 home, 1-0-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
|
v NYR
|
@ NE
|
v FCD
|
|
1-1
|
2-0
|
1-0
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Grinding them out, as you’d (or might)
expect from a Berhalter team transitioning to Porter-ball.
Next Game: @ Philadelphia Union, which feels like a
crap-shoot that Columbus feels the most likely to suffocate into submission.
MONTREAL IMPACT,
2-1-0, 6 points, 6 gf, 4 ga, (0-0-0 home, 2-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
|
@ SJ
|
@ HOU
|
@ ORL
|
|
2-1
|
1-2
|
3-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Sure, the opposition isn’t the tallest,
but Montreal has picked up 2/3 of the points. As you’d expect a good team to
do.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then @ Sporting KC, this
team’s next step into road game Hell (two more games after). If they keep up
this average of points, they might have some juice in 2019.
MINNESOTA UNITED FC,
2-1-0, 6 points, 8 gf, 5 ga, (0-0-0 home, 2-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
|
@ VAN
|
@ SJ
|
@ LA
|
|
3-2
|
3-0
|
2-3
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: I’ll be reviewing this one too, but that
looks like a fighting loss, and a good sign.
Next Game: @ New England Revolution, which given the corpus
above, I’d expect them to win.
SPORTING KC, 1-1-1, 4
points, 4 gf, 3 ga, (1-0-0 home, 0-1-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
|
@ LAF
|
v PHI
|
@ COL
|
|
1-2
|
2-0
|
1-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: They’re definitely punching low early,
but, until further notice, that’s a basic pattern of taking care of business
through CONCACAF Champions’ League congestion.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then, v. Montreal, when
they’ll want to get some kind of mojo back.
NEW YORK RED BULLS,
1-0-1, 4 points, 5 gf, 2 ga, (1-0-0 home, 0-0-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
W
|
|
@ CLB
|
v SJ
|
|
1-1
|
4-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: I called hosting San Jose a must-win, and
they blew it out. Whatever you think of the Red Bulls capacity to win
tournaments, they’ve mastered the regular season grind.
Next Game: v. Orlando City SC, which, on the evidence, they
should win. Do we look for comfort level at this point or…OK, never mind.
HOUSTON DYNAMO,
2-0-1, 7 points, 6 gf, 4 ga, (2-0-1 home, 0-0-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
|
v RSL
|
v MTL
|
v VAN
|
|
1-1
|
2-1
|
3-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: That’s a damned solid record for Houston,
but they’ve been good at home since 2017(?), and those are not exactly power
teams. (Yes, I know what I wrote about Montreal.)
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! @ Colorado The Dynamo’s
first road game of the season, and the league has to give us the weird,
barely-readable one?
LOS ANGELES GALAXY,
2-1-0, 6 points, 5 gf, 5 ga, (2-0-0 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
|
v CHI
|
@ FCD
|
v MIN
|
|
2-1
|
0-2
|
3-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: More impressive given Minnesota’s start
(and on the road), but that’s still two marginal results at home…at least until
I look into it further. Definitely a result to review.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! v Portland, and given
Portland’s overall state (league-worst defense, anyone?), they should/need to
take advantage of the baby gazelle situation.
FC DALLAS, 1-1-1, 4
points, 3 gf, 2 ga, (1-0-1 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
|
v NE
|
v LAG
|
@ CLB
|
|
1-1
|
2-0
|
0-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: That’s not a bad start, that’s all. They
look more controlled than explosive so far.
Next Game: v. Colorado. Of course they’re gonna wanna win
this, if for no better reason than that the Rapids don’t travel wonderfully.
TORONTO FC, 2-0-0, 6
points, 6 gf, 3 ga, (1-0-0 home, 1-0-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
W
|
W
|
|
@ PHI
|
v NE
|
|
3-1
|
3-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: TFC has a lot of baggage to drop before
they look real again, but I’m still lingering over that road win over Philly.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then they host hobbling,
tie-happy New York City FC.
FC CINCINNATI, 1-1-1,
4 points, 5 gf, 5 ga, (1-0-0 home, 0-1-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
|
@ SEA
|
@ ATL
|
v POR
|
|
1-4
|
1-1
|
3-0
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: As noted in the extended comments, FC
Cincy ran over the Timbers - and after making Atlanta sweat the week before.
How high they go turns on how well their gamble on attacking players holds up.
Next Game: @ New England Revolution, which makes for a good
chance to activate the road confidence.
REAL SALT LAKE, 1-1-1,
4 points, 2 gf, 6 ga, (1-0-0 home, 0-1-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
W
|
L
|
|
@ HOU
|
v VAN
|
@ DC
|
|
1-1
|
1-0
|
0-5
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: “They got the good, validating win.” That
was last week. This week, they took a violent turn into the familiar darkness
of being terrible on the road…or is it worse?
Next Game: @ Los Angeles FC, which seems like fucking
terrible timing.
NEW YORK CITY FC,
0-0-3, 3 points, 4 gf, 4 ga, (0-0-2 home, 0-0-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
D
|
D
|
|
@ ORL
|
v DC
|
v LAF
|
|
2-2
|
0-0
|
2-2
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: No, that isn’t good. Will definitely
review this, but a team of ambition (as announced by a $9 million signing)
doesn’t swallow dropping four points at home lightly.
Next Game: @ Toronto FC. An unlikely win would look good on
paper.
COLORADO RAPIDS,
0-1-2, 2 points, 4 gf, 6 ga, (0-0-2 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
L
|
D
|
|
v POR
|
@ SEA
|
v SKC
|
|
3-3
|
0-2
|
1-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Reasonably tight so far, after having run
a gauntlet of the West’s best. While Colorado says they want to win MLS Cup, I
think they’d take a playoff season…if on borrowed time (e.g, Benny Feilhaber
and Kei Kamara).
Next Game: @ FC Dallas, which I can’t imagine will go well,
but will definitely note if it does.
ATLANTA UNITED FC,
0-1-2, 2 points, 2 gf, 4 ga, (0-0-2 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
|
@ DC
|
v CIN
|
v PHI
|
|
0-2
|
1-1
|
1-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: As a Cascadia inhabitant, I feel the MLS
season’s generosity in my bones, but, golly, have the mighty fallen. And until
further notice.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then @ Columbus. I like
their chances for a draw, which is nothing to sniff at till further notice.
PORTLAND TIMBERS,
0-2-1, 1 point, 4 gf, 10 ga, (0-0-0 home, 0-2-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
|
@ COL
|
@ LAF
|
@ CIN
|
|
3-3
|
1-4
|
0-3
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: With the defense unable to keep out the
goals (hello, MLS-worst defense!), things officially slipped to alarming. As
hinted at in my extended comments, Portland still has one hell of a A-team. It
also appears to have one hell of a drop-off.
Next Game: @ Los Angeles Galaxy…and I got nothing, including
optimism.
PHILADELPHIA UNION,
0-2-1, 1 point, 2 gf, 6 ga, (0-1-0 home, 0-1-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
|
v TFC
|
@ SKC
|
@ ATL
|
|
1-3
|
0-2
|
1-1
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Eh, that’s a tough stretch – even against this
year’s Atlanta away. Still, a team with any ambition has to start producing at
some point.
Next Game: v. Columbus, who absolutely will try to choke
them out at home. (Break the chains! Pull the string!!) This seems like a
tough, but very important match-up for Philly.
ORLANDO CITY SC, 0-1-2,
2 points, 4 gf, 6 ga, (0-1-1 home, 0-0-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
D
|
L
|
|
v NYC
|
@ CHI
|
v MTL
|
|
2-2
|
1-1
|
1-3
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: I’ll give this game a watch (and already
caught a nightmarish clip of one of Montreal goal’s), but that’s a sharp turn
in the wrong direction for a team that NEEDS positives.
Next Game: @ New York Red Bulls, aka, stop kicking Orlando,
they’re down.
NEW ENGLAND
REVOLUTION, 0-2-1, 1 point, 3 gf, 6 ga, (0-1-0 home, 0-1-1 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
|
@ FCD
|
v CLB
|
@ TFC
|
|
1-1
|
0-2
|
2-3
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: How long does the broad trend of
mediocrity have to keep up before people start wondering whether or not Brad
Friedel is the problem. Another one I’ll be watching by the way.
Next Game: v FC Cincinnati. Big for both teams, really.
CHICAGO FIRE, 0-2-1, 1
point, 4 gf, 7 ga, (0-1-1 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
|
@ LA
|
v ORL
|
v SEA
|
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
2-4
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Just when you thought Chicago was cooked,
the heat rises. Especially for a team without a meaningful home-field
advantage.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then @ New York Red Bulls.
Gonna. Take. A. Miracle.
VANCOUVER WHITECAPS,
0-3-0, 0 points, 4 gf, 7 ga, (0-1-0 home, 0-2-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
|
v MIN
|
@ RSL
|
@ HOU
|
|
2-3
|
0-1
|
2-3
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: Waiting for something to call a positive…
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then they host Seattle! Bet
they’d rather have herpes!
SAN JOSE EARTHQUAKES,
0-3-0, 0 points, 2 gf, 9 ga, (0-2-0 home, 0-1-0 away)
Last Ten: N/A
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
|
v MTL
|
v MIN
|
@ NYR
|
|
1-2
|
0-3
|
1-4
|
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
N/A
|
Current Judgment: “Wasted no time in settling to the bottom.
Jesus Christ.” That’s last week’s note with one ungrammatical phrase removed.
No change.
Next Game: Bye week! Yay, time! Then March 30 v. LAFC. Which
simply will not help.
All right, that’s all the data, plus some light
commentary. I’ll get the other stuff posted tomorrow night (gods willing), but
it does feel doable. Till then…
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