No, I Think It's Really Happening This Time: Closing Shop, Cleaning Up

Lord, let this be the last one.

Yes, I've done this at least a half dozen times already.

Leaving the scene like James Brown, only way more embarrassing.

To make it formal...

This blog is hereby closed by the power vested in me by whatever authority that still remains in blogger's withered hands.

This site isn't what it was when it started. If I'm being honest, half the motivation came from giving me an excuse to get drunk and stoned and to just...riff.

I couldn't keep that going beyond my mid-50s, as it happens, and even that's not great.

To celebrate the closing of this space, I offer these ten thoughts on club/franchise soccer in these United States.

1) If you came to Major League Soccer any time after...let's go with 2008, you have no idea how bleak it was. The answer to the question of why all of us old timers continue to put up with all the bullshit MLS throws our way can be answered by the seasons between 1996 and 2008. 

2) Other old timers' opinions may vary, but Guillermo Barros Schelotto was the first player I saw come to MLS who made me see the market beyond the headlining names. Beckham coming in was massive, but it's the guys you never heard of that really transformed the league.

Portland Timbers 0-1 Atlanta United FC: The September of Our Discontent

Where does it say that "my ass can't pay"?

Is it possible I banked the points before the Portland Timbers cashed the check? Absolutely and with bells on. I was trying to convince both myself and the teller it would clear just fine all the way up to the 25th minute. The bluff came undone a few minutes later and all the promises of Portland’s 2026 roster couldn’t tape it back together again for another pass. It might even jeopardize next month’s rent.

The question now: how much time do I spend on this?

Portland Timbers 0-1 Atlanta United FC
What Passes for a Match Report
After a night cap of poking around other results for slivers of hope, I just picked through the highlights and sifted the final stats for anything that might have slipped my mind. For what it’s worth, I think the Timbers whiffed another good chance that recalled the back-post opportunity Ariel Lassiter side-netted and someone teed up Vincent Jannsen for an offside attempt in the second. I also believe that covers everything. 17 shots by the Timbers? No shit?

For all that, Portland looked better prepared for the chaos of the opening 20 minutes; as noted in last night’s game thread, Atlanta looked all over the place. Kristoffer Velde has it in him to force a moment of magic in those situations (hold that thought), but it was Atlanta’s Aleksey Miranchuk who did the conjuring at the 28th minute. Finn Surman’s outlet wasn’t the best choice, by any means, but Portland had the defenders to manage the mischief, so no alarms sounded when Jimer Fory’s toe-poke missed the cross. It all went to shit – and I do mean it all went to shit – when Miranchuk chopped open an inside lane and looped a shot into James Pantemis’ goal. The Timbers fell down in that moment and, like they say on the TV, could not get back up.

Portland had some free kicks – Velde’s was decent, Lassiter’s less so – Velde almost nodded home on some smart combination play around and through Atlanta’s left by Lassiter and Cole Bassett – and I think that reads every promising moment into the record and includes the rest by implication. Atlanta got hold of the game after Miranchuk’s goal and their grip never slackened much. Most of the snarling the Timbers managed rose out of the never-ending spat between Velde and Matthew Edwards – and I’d hand the mind game between to the latter on points. Atlanta laid a deep boggy trap for any attempted transition on the defensive side and created the better chances to the final whistle. The end.

MLS Week 24 & 25 Review: Speed-Running & Scouting ALL the Opposition

Been there, bro...looks like you're eating a melon.

I’ve never been able to shotgun a beer and I feel the same way when Major League Soccer doubles up its Match Days (capitalized, right?). It’s too much to take in, trying to make it work feels like a one-way street to (yet another) whale post, and so on. Moreover, I’m not sure it’s all that valuable, especially with the way so many teams across MLS are spinning their wheels as the regular season turns into the final stretch.

It should go without saying now that, yes, I’m tinkering with the format. (Still searching for that Holy Grail post, doubt the quest will ever end.) Here’s the plan…

This post starts with a Big Picture State of the League hypothesis, then moves on to walking through the state of all the teams on either side of the Portland Timbers – in this case, the 7th-place Colorado Rapids down to the 14th-place Seattle Sounders. The primary goal in all this is to capture trends, states of progress or decline, that kind of thing, among the teams voted most likely to keep Portland 1) out of the playoffs, and 2) from doing anything once they get to the playoffs.

From there, I’ll move on to two conceptual sections I’m test-driving for future posts, something I’m calling Speed-Running the Eastern Conference and Western Conferences. The post will wrap up with a very brief (full disclosure: almost perfunctory) scouting report on the Timbers’ next opponent, Atlanta United FC. A couple new signings aside, that brevity is deserved on the grounds that Atlanta’s nine whole goddamn points below the Eastern Conference play-in line and not gaining ground.

That takes care of the preamble. Let’s kick this off with…

FC Dallas 2-1 Portland Timbers: The Big Picture Meets the Little One

Her soul's somewhere in there...

As anyone who tracks this blog or follows me on Bluesky knows, I’ve made a mantra of the argument that regular season games don’t matter in Major League Soccer. Today, I’d like to amend and extend that case into something more clarifying.

To be clear, the original argument still holds up. Any team that gets its shit together far enough ahead of Decision Day has the potential to get on a streak, get into the MLS Cup Playoffs and make some noise, maybe even snatch MLS Cup from a team that, based on their performance over the entire season, deserves it a little more. Thank gods the Supporters’ Shield still rewards that, no matter how little people value it.

The amendment/extension piece comes from something else, something that only stepped out of the background over the Portland Timbers’ past several struggling seasons. Upon reviewing their results, I started to notice the only teams Portland could beat were the ones either below the playoff line, or those slipping toward the wrong side of it. That is, the Timbers could only beat actually bad teams, or teams in bad form. Any time Portland played a team with even a little more than half of anything going on, two points or all three slipped away. I think my obsession with tracking results came before that, but this cemented the value of the exercise for me.

It’s not a perfect scale by any means. A crap team can beat a good team on any given day, of course, and even the best team can crap the bed. The thing to watch for is the persistence of the phenomenon – i.e., any season that sees your team reliably lose to the good teams deep enough into the regular season is a good one to give up on. It doesn’t mean they won’t make the playoffs – see the Timbers’ 2024 and 2025 seasons (on second thought, only look at the searing dead end of 2024 if you’re one of those freaks that watches replays of compound fractures…sicko) – it just means they will not make the final, they probably won’t even make the quarters, and they’re just the fodder on some other teams’ path to glory.

MLS Week 23 Review + a Wee St. Louis Scouter: May the Good Vibez Continue

A bit too on the nose...

So…fun fact: I took a longer look at three of the games I said “did not interest me” for the most American reason of all: I don’t like draws because they don’t give me much to work with. I am bound neither rules nor man…

I wouldn’t call MLS Week 23 “bad,” not in the formal sense, but the ground under my feet feels firm enough for me to argue that not a lot happened. Yeah, yeah, name an MLS Match Day when that doesn’t hold, but my feet won’t take one step off this soapbox till I’ve said my piece. That’s not the biggest deal, not with 11 games still remaining for most teams, but the gap between the good, the mid, and the irrelevant tightened a little on Saturday. For reference, the relevant lines break as follows, and in both conferences: 1-5 = good; 6-9 = mid; the rest = bad. That’s right, I said it. I’ll speak better of the teams below when they do better week in and out.

Speaking of, nearly every team the league has a midweek game this week. To paraphrase the inimitable, yet much-mocked Hudsucker Proxy, your future is now.

With that, it’s time to kick around last weekend’s results. As with every week’s edition (which have always existed and been reliably delivered since 1996, no, I have not shut down this blog three to four times), I value some results more than others and thus spend more time on them. In a reverse of last week’s post, this week’s post starts with those results, then speed-runs the rest. In the order I looked at ‘em…

Columbus Crew 3-0 Colorado Rapids
The prime directive here was to determine whether or not Colorado, of the now 2-9-1 road record, could win any road game. The highlights showed a team drowning over the opening 30 minutes and, despite spending most of the game only 0-1 down, never really recovering. The Rapids caught up on the numbers side before the final whistle, if just a little, but a Columbus team that hadn’t won in five games padded the final score smartly courtesy of goal contributions by new kid, Gonzalo Tapia; his tricky-shit goal, Columbus’ second, for reference. As for the Rapids, their home record (8-3-0 currently) looks like a good bet to get them to the playoffs, but all signs point to them needing to host if they want to go anywhere.

Portland Timbers 5-4 Minnesota United FC: How's Your Heart?

It was that kinda night.

When Vincent Janssen scored the third of his historic goals, I went through all the reactions – e.g., doubting I still knew how to count to three, looking for an offside flag to descend from the Heavens because Such Things Cannot Be. Polling the people around me came next – “that’s three, right? that was that specific player’s third goal?” – and, upon confirmation, I took a minute to just breathe in the moment. It’s not every day that a snake bite heals itself, you know?

About five minutes later, it occurred to me that the Portland Timbers could somehow piss away the win and the air suddenly didn’t taste the same. Was that the sulfurous tang of the smoke bombs that celebrated Portland’s (then) fourth goal, or the smell of a flatulent imp come to spoil the evening? When Minnesota scored their fourth goal (oof) with a cushion of added time still available (and with more time still added due to the Loons’ goal celebration), I crossed myself in both the Catholic and Orthodox traditions. One can never be too sure, no?

Portland Timbers 5-4 Minnesota United FC
What Passes for a Match Report
One could argue the game belonged to Janssen from the jump: the opening minutes saw him lose control of his first three touches and the Timbers struggled, collectively, over that same period. That gave the Loons at least one clear chance to take an early lead, maybe two, before Portland found their feet - viva la slow starts, I guess – but they hit a steady trot before scoring their first (all of that's probably in here, maybe even in here). A little give-‘n’-go set it up, allowing Jimer Fory to step clean into Minnesota’s penalty box (the little fucker) and forced Drake Callender into a flop save and a rebound. Minnesota CB Morris Duggan made the mistake of going to ground, where his raised leg sent Cole Bassett tumbling over (it looked like Bassett fell over him in real time) and Janssen to the penalty spot. Janssen’s kicked it home and sent the game into a frenzy. Before the final whistle blew, that game delivered more twists than a primetime soap opera featuring amnesia, a possession, and three affairs and at least one mystery murder.

MLS Week 22 Review & a Minnesota United FC Scouter, Just in Reverse.

Sweep the leg. Every time.

This post tested a new model for a Major League Soccer league-wide post and the experiment already failed. Not so much for anything specific to the post, but because it was only possible in a week where my schedule fit together just so. My schedule fits together just so, at most, quarterly.

At any rate, the concept carries forward what I did with the most recent level set – i.e., comment vaguely about how well each of the teams in MLS presents at this point in the season – and the content is still heavily results driven. To steal a concept from the players we all cheer on, I think it’s best to take things one game at a time as opposed to checking boxes you’re not even sure will appear in two weeks’ time. Where the level set centers the notes on teams, this post centers on results. Well, some results. And maybe not one that relates to your team.

Not all results are interesting, a statement that becomes truer as the season rushes to its end. For me, that continues all the way to bitter end, aka, Decision Day – i.e., what does getting a certain semi-fortunate match up in the first round of the playoffs matter when you don’t trust your team to beat anyone else? That’s a personal problem, obviously. I am the Cobra Kai coach deep down…

Back to it, I’ve grouped all of Week 22’s results (because that’s where most team are) into three groups below, as I’ll do every week (or aspire to do every week). Those are as follows:

1) Nothing to See Here, aka, the result in question tracked with reasonable expectations.

2) Noteworthy, aka, not a wild result, but something about it, whether big picture or small, felt worth flagging.

3) Surprise, Surprise, Surprise, aka, did not see that coming, might even be bit shit.

Portland Timbers 1-2 Austin FC: Outbelieved

Garfunkel, forever lingering behind...

I forgot the last time I thought xG was more or less made up, but when I look at the final stats…

Neither team needs a pat on the head that bad. Cringing over here...

I called this a must win on the usual grounds: any team with the beginning of a dream needs to take all three points from a home game against a shit road team on short rest. About that…

Portland Timbers 1-2 Austin FC
What Passes for a Match Report
I feel comfortable saying, and with minor exaggeration, that saying Austin looked better, both globally and marginally, over the first 87-ish minutes of that game covers the basics. They played the livelier game, used the ball to manage it, and held a defensive shape over 2/3 of the field that picked all the ideas out of Portland's back pockets (Paula Pomegranate Pumpernickel Penelope Paparazzi Putnam) before the Timbers could finish them. If I had to phrase the Timbers attacking posture in one word, I’d go with perplexed. A lot of nibbling at the edges for 87 minutes, basically.

Which made a problem of the fact Austin scored in the 25th minute. ‘Twas a lonely chance, an even lonelier goal, at least until the others came long, but Joseph Rosales give to Facundo Torres’ go did the trick, and Portland chased the game from there. And to the final whistle, if we’re being honest.

The Timbers equalized when Antony flicked the ball into (probably) Brendan Hines-Ike’s hand and subsequently received honors for taking the penalty (the penalty call should be somewhere in here, if not, RIOT!). I liked handing Antony the penalty kick, for what it’s worth, because why not show confidence in him so that he can regain the confidence he lost? Who doesn't love a redemption arc? Antony buried it – smartly, I might add – and Portland drew level at 1-1. Whenever the foul happened, the penalty was scored at the 89th minute. There I was, fat-thumbing my way through a clever summation of the game’s events…

…then Austin scored at the 94th minute, taking away the trash off of trash. A clean put-back on a desperate header, a fatal slip by Portland, hello, 11th place, darkness my old friend, etc.

MLS Week 20-22 Level Set, the Timbers Place in It & a Wee Austin Scouter

MLS to literally all of its teams.

With the Leagues Cup now behind every MLS team (look at that, clean sweep) and the home stretch on the horizon, I felt like I needed another level set on where teams are around the league. The dive ain’t deep: it’s about 80% looking for patterns over the past 10 games for every team in MLS and 20% “other” – so the analysis doesn’t go much further than “things are okay” or “Jesus Christ, are they okay?” Just to note it, going back 10 games in regular season play takes all the teams below back to the middle of May; a pretty big sample, in other words. Hopefully, the blurbs provided on each team will either confirm an impression, maybe even tell you something you didn’t already know.

As for organization, I decided to go with something simple as the playoffs: each MLS team is grouped below as either Quick (i.e., either above the playoff line or with a fair chance of getting over it by Decision Day) or Dead (i.e., unlikely to make the playoffs, present place in the standings notwithstanding). I went with that looser measure deliberately: some teams look a lot more like “contenders,” others the middlest of mid-table, and most will trot to the end of their season at the exact same clip, but a good run at the right time can go all the way to MLS Cup for any team that makes MLS’s open-armed playoff system, so why get out the fine-tooth comb when I run a ratty old brush through it?

Quick aside: looking at the 2026 standings with the rumored new playoff format floated by Larry(? (Harry? What’s his fuck?) Berg is a fun exercise. I understand the 2027-28 season will feature more conferences and, full disclosure, both eyes and ears glazed over when it was explained to me, but as I understand Berg’s proposed system, the “if the playoffs started today” line for 2026 would be drawn between the determinedly mid-table Red Bull New York and the (frankly) plummeting Seattle Sounders. Everyone on 26 points and above gets in, basically, so that’s eight teams from the East and twelve in the West (e.g., the LA Galaxy and everyone above them, basically, and at time of posting). Have to admit that’s not as bad as I thought, or not much worse than the present system, at least in terms of the invite list.

So, time to get into it. I’ve decided to start with the Dead – i.e., the teams I don't see making the 2026 playoffs – and then run through the Quick. Going backwards feels little more suspenseful, for some reason. But, before getting into that, and because this is a Portland Timbers blog, I’m going to start by seeing how both they and Austin FC, the team they host this weekend, weigh in the balance…plus I also wanted to pad the entry on Austin with a little scouting report.

Los Angeles FC 1-1 Portland Timbers: Donning the Beer Goggles, Willingly

Yes, I find it desirable. Hot, even.

Before the game kicked off, I topped my game thread by noting that I wasn’t sure what I wanted more: a good result or a good performance. The real question comes closer to what, between a lucky win and a brave loss, would give me more faith in the project.

Fun story: I got something close to both. It’s a tricky melon to cut, honestly, and depends largely on what you take from where. Let’s get into it…

Los Angeles FC 1-1 Portland Timbers
What Passes for a Match Report
Over the first 60 minutes or so, more or less the same thing happened: LAFC set up in Portland’s half, methodically probing for openings and, point in fact, finding them about 20 times. And every 12-15 minutes, Portland would finally connect a pass that got past or around LAFC’s midfield and set off a scramble that pulled their pants at least halfway off. That’s the big picture, but a fly snuck onto the projector. (Anyone keeping track of the metaphors? Where am I?)

The Timbers scored the opening goal in the fourth minute. Kristoffer Velde shagged a loose a ball out of midfield, carried it around LAFC’s right, chopped (tell me it was) Ryan Hollingshead out of stride, came inside and passed a dagger to David Da Costa. Da Costa’s run out of midfield did half the work and, dammit, there’s something to love about that near post finish. Made it smart, therefore classy. To tie that into the big picture, that goal started the timer for the game described above. LAFC created an embarrassment of chances over those long stretches of possession; James Pantemis posted five strong saves, at a minimum, over that entire period; LAFC played at least two near-perfect, grass-cutting crosses to runners breaking through a nose ahead centrally only to see said runners step over or on the pass: my butt puckered most on the latter, but all that seemed…fine somehow. LAFC could have scored two, but they, crucially, did not.

The way you feel about the game likely turns on how all the above made you feel. To pass my vote, I thought Portland could do it all night, maybe even into an extra time they don’t play in the regular season. Where a reasonable person might see a game teetering on the edge, I saw defenders in good positions on nearly every pass LAFC played(1). The chances came, clearly, but Portland consistently had a player close enough to challenge the shot or hassle the shooter. What they couldn’t cover, Pantemis back-stopped with yet another, “he’s not buying drinks tonight” performance. Pantemis’ best save may have been his first (the one on Mathieu Choniere; how does a Quebecois learn to slalom like that?), but he was still slapping ‘em away in stoppage time. (His greatest hits surely made the snapshot, yeah?)

Portland Timbers 3-1 San Diego FC: The Timbers Go Over the Top

The real caption: "Great Moments in Action History."

No clever preamble for this one. Just started writing and let it go where it went.

Portland Timbers 3-1 San Diego FC
A Match Report
Any fans of arm-wrestling tuning in? Even non-fans are familiar with the way one wrestler (“Wrestler One”) will push the opponent’s (aka, “Wrestler Two’s”) arm closer and closer to the Pad of Defeat, only for Wrestler Two to push out of it and flip Wrestler One’s arm closer to the opposite Pad of Defeat. Portland thrived tonight in the Wrestler Two role. San Diego methodically pushed the ball forward, compacting the Timbers in their defensive third and, time and again, Portland kicked out from under the weight of San Diego’s pressure and turned the tables. The trick worked well enough that San Diego forgot how to effectively apply the pressure little by little as the game wore on.

Know what I like best about the chronology? 23 minutes separated Portland’s second goal from its first and 17 more minutes separated the third goal from the second. This wasn’t a case of San Diego losing its shit over a 5-10 minute stretch; it was Portland finding different ways to wrest the game out of San Diego’s poised control (in the early bits, at least) and, yeah, pretty much wreck them at the other end.

Also, what goals! Kristoffer Velde had the honor of laying the first blow to San Diego’s carefully-constructed game-plan. Portland slipped behind San Diego’s midfield and, with the field open ahead of them, Cole Bassett (looking fresher! or more grounded?) received a pass from Velde that slipped it back to him with a reverse pass that left him running free and nekkid toward goal. All Velde had to do was belt it home from 25 yards (or tharabouts) out. Velde also keyed up Portland’s second goal when, taking advantage of a scrambled and dizzy San Diego defense, he played Jimer Fory around their last (real narrow) fullback to the top of the wee penalty area; Fory’s cross teed up Ariel Lassiter for the soccer-dunk (aka, tap-in). Last but not least, as well as Velde (again) did to push San Diego’s left to their end-line, David Da Costa still had plenty to do, up to and including, pulling back for a little more space, inspiring the lone defender near him to sit down, and curling the ball around the goalkeeper, an invisible pony only he could see and who was cheering for him this whole time. Portland scored three beautiful goals, basically, where two would have been ample. Feeling a little spoiled and loving it....

Chicago Fire 2-1 Portland Timbers: Ground Down by the Grind

One of many movies titled "The Grind"

You can’t win ‘em all is a mantra all fans should embrace. Maybe this is simple as losing to a good home team at their place?

It would have felt worse had the Timbers played all right…they did not. Moving on...

Chicago Fire FC 2-1 Portland Timbers
What Passes for a Match Report
The Fire took the within the first ten minutes of the game. They extended that lead mere minutes later when Portland’s defense literally fell all over itself as they failed to keep out a second goal. Things generally improved from there, though neither much nor quickly. The ref was thinking about the halftime whistle before Portland fired an even mildly threatening shot and the broadcast booth (whatever you think of the talent) could still say something along the lines of Portland had a couple chances though none with conviction as late at the 80th minute with essential accuracy. The Timbers did finally pull back one goal – and I was just reminded by the highlights that Omir Fernandez added one more late sneaky chance – but the Timbers never really got going in this one. Thus endeth the overview.

On Chicago’s first goal, I saw several people fret online during the Club Tijuana game about how high Finn Surman pushes up in (what we understand as) Marti Cifuentes’ system. Seems like the Fire’s brain trust may have spotted that as well because Andrew Gutman’s ball over the top to Robin Lod found that space like he knew where to look. Such was the chaos around Chicago’s second goal that it barely feels worth picking apart – i.e., what started as a modest oil fire raged to a big one when (yikes) Surman attempted pass(?!) out of the back went straight to Phillip Zinckernagel and all the Timbers could think to do from there was throw bodies in front of it. The only commendable thing about the entire episode was Dje D’Avilla’s finish. Too much of the first half happened to the Timbers; they struggled to find their feet, never mind their front one. Passes and players slipped by and around defenders before Portland’s defenders seemed to register their presence. If the entire afternoon had anything to redeeem it, it came when Surman headed home the Timbers' only goal off a solid, (too) late set piece.

Chicago had a couple chances to pad their lead – e.g., a Robert Lewandowski shot that James Pantemis padded away (has to be in here, right?) and, happily, just past the right shoulder of a lurking Zinckernagel (why does that sound dirty?) – but they flattened a little as the game quite literally wore on. It wasn’t one for the ages, probably wasn’t even one for the month; no one besides D’Avilla should remember this game past this week. (It’s only his third goal as a pro.)

Portland Timbers 3-1 Club Tijuana: Doom & (Fresh!) Paths of Glory

Pointless, yes, but still worth celebrating.

Really going to keep it short this time. You’ll see. (You won't. It's likely you never will.)

Due to the plethora of variables in play – e.g., Leagues Cup, early season for Liga MX, a new coach for the Timbers, hints the Timbers have changed their style with all the subtlety of the fouls Club Tijuana got away with tonight – I don’t see the point in picking through the innards of tonight’s game. The game/performance had its share of measurable positives – e.g., the Timbers doubled-up Tijuana’s goals allowed in the tournament (their first two games: a 0-2 loss at Austin FC and a 0-1 loss at San Diego) – but I just don’t have a solid feel on how they’ll translate to the stretch run of the MLS regular season.

Sunday’s game at Chicago Fire FC, aka, the team that topped all of MLS in Leagues Cup play (all wins, +5 goal differential, booted the theretofore successful Cruz Azul out of the tourney), should provide another level set. That said, I wouldn’t expect too much clarity either: whatever happens in that game will still feature a plethora of variables, just not as many. But that's enough about Sunday, let's return to the pointless glory of the Portland's present!

Portland Timbers 3-1 Club Tijuana
An Almost Insulting Match Summary
The Timbers opened strong and with a lot of the ball, but Tijuana chipped back into the game one chippy foul at a time. It took them less than ten minutes to find the cheat code in Portland’s defensive shape – the gap between the fullback and the winger – and the third or fourth run it at gave Tijuana the go-ahead goal (Mourad El Ghezouani was a handful all night). Their speed and aggression scrambled Portland for most of the first half – didn’t hurt the Tijuana benefited from the ref calling a loose one – but the Timbers found their balance and clawed one back before the first half ended when Jimer Fory overlapped(!!) up their left and found Kevin Kelsy at the back post.

For me, the final stats pour the correct measure of cold water on what looked like a wide open game; it was more fast than precise, but the openings yawned pretty wide when they came. In keeping with a theme disrupted only by the loss “at” Club America, the Timbers got slowly got hold of the game and throttled the life out of it. Between a scrum or two and one nerve-rattling breakaway (all of which surely made the highlights), Tijuana managed a couple chances in the second half, but that didn’t keep Portland from running away with it and at a decent trot. Both goals came from the Timbers’ comfort zone – e.g., a turnover that became a long ball to Kevin Kelsy that fell to Antony by a redirect, then Antony getting around Tijuana’s left after transition to find Ariel Lassiter (and at least one other Timber at the back post).

Club America 3-1 Portland Timbers: The Timbers Played All Right and Fucked Up Twice

Keep smoldering, king.

It wasn’t so bad, honestly. It just wasn’t what was needed.

Based on the views on the last post, a lot of people have done the sensible thing and gone on vacation. For the rest you schlubs, enjoy these notes from another schlub.

Club America 3-1 Portland Timbers
America and Timbers treated fans to a lively one. For me, the eye test and the final stats give a truer impression of the game as it played out on the field than the final score. Portland didn’t create a wealth of chances (ten total, four on goal), but they had reasonable chances to go ahead after cancelling America’s (genuinely impressive) opening goal and they had chances to equalize, if admittedly fewer, after America got their noses ahead a second time. To break things down a little…

The answer to the question, how good was Brian Rodriguez’s free kick(?), was look on the Ball Kid's face that you see just off frame in the fourth(?) replay on the goal. The Timbers answered mere minutes later through Kristoffer Velde, who literally sat an America defender on his ass (Israel Reyes?) after picking off ‘keeper Rodolfo Cota’s half-panicked outlet (and what did all y’all think of his goal celebration?). The two teams slogged toe-to-toe from that point to America’s go-ahead goal in the second half. Passes zipped between players for both, with defenders and midfielders snapping at everything within reach. Portland found a couple chances on set pieces (someone tell Cole Bassett to put his foot through the damn ball), while America kept Portland’s defense honest from range. Good chances, in other words, but nothing to hint at immediate success or demise.

Rodriguez teed up the game winner in the 63rd minute when a couple bobbles off defended balls gave him a path inside; his shot (another good ‘un) caromed off the post to the feet Isaias Violante, who punched home the goal near post. While that goal didn’t break Portland’s back, the distance between them and America's goal yawned ever wider as the minutes ticked away. Jack Cassidy (#RIP) threw in a couple subs – fewer than I’d like and later – but neither Antony nor Vincent Janssen came in to great effect (however, hold that thought).

Portland Timbers 5-2 Club Peng...Puebla: (Hot) Summertime Rolls

It's okay, man. The view's groovy up here!

This will be short. I mean it this time. Stop it. Don’t look at me like that.

Watching the Portland Timbers lately has had the feeling of Wile E. Coyote looking down after running off the cliff and seeing nothing to hold him up. And yet he does not fall.

Getting into it…

Portland Timbers 5-2 Club Puebla
The Game, Very Briefly
I’d argue Puebla ran the opening 30 minutes, maybe even dominated the opening 20, even with Ariel Lassiter scoring a rare early one by finishing off Kristoffer Velde's punishment of Puebla's loose defense. Puebla didn't take long to equalize on a tap-in by Eduardo Mustre when the sum of Portland’s left lost equilibrium and Alex Bonetig sat out the play. They shelled the Timbers’ area from the same side around the 28th minute, pressing a sustained attack better than Portland would manage until…I’d say the 38th minute. Once David Da Costa’s tap-dance poke flicked the ball past Ricardo Gutierrez for the Timbers’ third goal, the game ended both in fact and spirit.

Per the dictates of math, Portland scored one goal in between all that – on Cole Bassett glancing home the go-ahead goal after getting ahead of Puebla's entire defense – but Da Costa’s goal put a stamp on the game the other two merely suggested. Puebla spent the opening 25 minutes (at least) coursing through and around Portland’s defensive shape, only for the Timbers to break out – through Velde most often, at least early – and score goals. Da Costa’s goal stood up the argument that anything Puebla could do in Portland’s end ultimately wouldn’t matter. Once Puebla’s players had the space behind them in their minds every time they passed the ball, the wheels came off.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Seattle Sounders: Wholly Owned, Still Struggling to Close the Sale

Deliberately chose a hazy one...

I find myself wondering, once again, what Phil Neville makes of all this. In other news, I tried taking fewer notes as I watched last night’s game. Don't know why beyond seeking a more impressionistic vibe, but a quick spin through the highlights tells me some impressions slipped down the memory-hole.

Oh, and it happened again.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Seattle Sounders
The Match, Very Briefly
‘Twas a sloppy fucker, if you’re looking for a broad impression: whether hit too soft or at the wrong angle, passes strayed and stalled out all over the pitch (I don’t know who counts the passing accuracy; suspect there’s some closely guarded formula for it). The left a lot of 50/50s floating in space and Seattle won most of those during the first half. I don’t remember what all happened before what, but revisiting the game via the highlights reminded me that Seattle piled on the pressure for five minutes or so during or around Kalani Kossi-Rienzi’s go-ahead goal. James Pantemis also made one more tricky save than I remembered (and surely not just those two?), Albert Rusnak had a solid chance to put Seattle back in the lead mere seconds before the first half expired, one of those two tricky saves came in the second half, Nouhou fired a bullet just wide at the 65th minute, etc.

I wanted to pick through Seattle’s side of the result before turning to the Timbers for a couple reasons. There’s some truth to the argument that his game could have gone either way, for one, which makes that necessary place-setting for making the case for why it didn’t. It starts with Kevin Kelsy’s equalizer, which came 5-10 minutes after Seattle’s heaviest pile-on and not entirely against the run of play. The Timbers have profited over the past few games from running the same play through Kristoffer Velde over and over again – i.e., feed him the ball as wide as possible on the left and have him run however many defenders the opposition sends his way. For me, the sooner Velde reaches the decisive moment, the more he gets out of that position – and slinging shots/crosses into the gap between guys defending him and the rest of the defense has become Portland’s most reliable approach to goal lately. Kevin Kelsy deserves at least as much credit, last night and generally, because the man’s crashing around the area like he owns it. Could see him getting 20 goals this season, which would be, y'know, good.

Felipe's Farewell, Four Points Taken & a Familiar Serving Angst

Because this will include notes on two games, plus a half-assed Scouting Report on the game versus the Seattle Sounders this weekend (for reasons which I’ll explain), this post attempts to compress an abundance of thoughts into what will still be short post. I’m going to kick things off with Felipe Mora’s last game as a Timber.

Mora scored three goals over his last two games. To be clear, I committed to Team Kevin Kelsy early in the 2026 season, without regrets (doesn’t hurt Kelsy backed that up), but one can’t help but wonder what Mora could have done with more than 443 minutes. Scored a couple more goals, almost certainly, the man always works and I’ve always respected what he brought to the team, while also accepting he doesn’t fit the team the Timbers have evolved into over the past season or two (for good, and mostly ill). Making peace with departure still comes a lot easier than liking it.

The goals he scored – the first, a classic put-back versus FC Dallas, the second and third headed goals off corners(!) versus Real Salt Lake – all pointed to what made Mora effective as a player: reading the game, knowing where to go to receive a pass, sniff out a rebound or, almost comically, to find a gap between defenders half a foot taller than him to nod home. Didn’t even have to jump on that first goal against RSL…priceless…

Scoring that brace on Saturday put Mora within a goal of a now, deservedly-mythical Portland Timbers hat trick and – I’m pretty sure I mean it when I say this – I don’t think I even want to see a Timbers hat trick unless it comes in a moment that would have been as perfect as Felipe Mora scoring one in his farewell game. Had it happened, every person who attended that game live would have experienced one of those rare, privileged moments that gave meaning to suffering through 100 shit performances played under terrible weather and worse refereeing. A Mora hat trick would have ranked right behind the double post in the pantheon of “I’d go back in time and kill moments” in Portland Timbers history.

FC Dallas L'il Scouter: Going Prepared (to Avoid the Jump Scare)

4-2-0 road record, AAUGGHGHH!!

Respecting the fact I can only know so much about a team at glance, kindly accept this offering in the same spirit. That said, when you don’t know much, what else can you do but start with…

The Facts
Record & Related Stats
7-4-4, 25 pts., 15 GP; 30 gf, 22 ga (+8); home 3-2-4, away 4-2-0
Last 10 Results: WDDLLWWLWW (5-3-2)
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ DC (4-0 W); v STL (1-1 D); v LAG (2-2 D); v MIN (0-1 L); @ SEA (1-2 L); @ RBNY (2-0 W); v RSL (3-1 W); v VAN (2-3 L); @ SJ (3-2 W); @ COL (2-1 W)

A couple things jump out there (and apologies for any typos; I do those). I’d start with that 4-2-0 road record – especially with three of the four coming hot into the World Cup break – but I’m mostly struck by seeing a Dallas team improving as the regular season turns into summer. My memory could be faulty on here, but the Dallas teams I recall from the past 10 or so seasons past start hot enough to get people thinking they could have a strong one, only to have them slouch slowly to the playoff line and yo-yo on either side of it before making a wholly forgettable playoff run.

At the risk of repeating a prediction that seems to blow up in my face every other season…Dallas looks good this year.

The Lineup(s)
The (Moribund) Mothership tells me Eric Quill (good vibes) generally sends out his starting XI in a 3-4-3 (mostly like this one), but the broadcast had them in a 4-4-2 for the loss versus Vancouver that looked plausible based on the lineup (available here; first couple seconds are all you need, but Sebastian Berhalter scored a couple bangers in that one).

Seattle Sounders 1-5 Portland Timbers: On the Right Side of a Snowball...

A peace I hope we all find...

Maybe there’ll be some benefit to spitting this out same day in my older years…

Let’s move this fast and keep it tight, people. The Portland Timbers kicked off their return to regular season action by kicking the holy shit and ever-lovin' stuffin' out of the Seattle Sounders. The 5-1 win felt like dunking by the end, even if the numbers pad the Sounders’ pain a little.

The Game, Very Briefly
It opened as I expected, with Seattle worked to get their attacking patterns going and they collapsed space effectively every time the Timbers worked the ball wide. The Sounders probably hit their high in those early moments (the five-minute interval agrees; see, the numbers), but their grasp on the game slipped away little by little. It started with the Timbers cutting out passes, disrupting Seattle’s inlets into he attacking third, but their game plan really got upended when…well, the Sounders got punched in the mouth.

The game turned from the second Jimer Fory floated that leading cross to Kevin Kelsy sprinting between two defenders to score Portland's first goal (wait for it, and so much of it). It took a double save, first by James “Canuck Wall” Pantemis, then by Kamal “Maybe Wily Veteran’s His Game?” Miller to hold Portland’s lead (has to be in here somewhere, maybe even here?), but Seattle never really recovered before the half. After the half? Shit broke all the way down…

I’ve used the phrase “five-minute fuck up” in the past and (with allowances for the fact all this unfolded in more than five minutes) Seattle’s defense served up a peach of an example tonight. First, their defense got beat at the back post – twice! – which allowed Miller to keep up the heroics. Four minutes later (still within bounds), Cole Bassett started and finished a goal off transition courtesy of a David Da Costa pushing then snapping across Seattle’s backline. Three minutes later (shit!), Kelsy bullied in a goal to complete his brace. That had the Timbers up 4-0 and rolling all. the. way. down the river.

A Seattle Sounders L'il Scouter & Portland v the Dregs of the West

Step One: less of this.

The Eastern Conference Re-Entry post took a pretty linear shape (and thanks to anyone who read it!), but, for reasons of local rooting interests, this Western Conference Re-Entry post will take a different shape.

It’ll start with a brief Scouting Report on the Portland Timbers’ next, dreaded opponent, the Seattle Sounders (aka, the Spoiled Rich Kids of the Middle North, aka, Cascadia’s Somehow Successful Fail-Sons). The section that follows expands on the template for the Eastern Conference Re-Entry by flagging all the teams within reach of the Timbers in the standings, whether above or below, and the post ends with a speed-run through the teams in the top half of the Western Conference table. With Portland closer to the bottom of the table than the top, that last section will be reduced or cut entirely as time allows…fwiw, I don’t know if it’s going to happen anymore than you do. Every day is a surprise/miracle. Even if neither are very good. [UPDATE: That section was cut, notes on the top eight in the West are written into the record indirectly and by suggestion.] Ahem. Getting on with it!

Before looking forward, I wanted to link to the long look back I posted right before MLS turned off the lights for the World Cup break. It was fairly straightforward, content-wise - just listing all the players and what I think of their contributions, talents and individual potential; you won’t see many rays of sunshine in there, because the sun struggles to get all the way down to 13th place. With that in mind (including the post), I wanted to start with a glance ahead to the next four games – e.g., at Seattle, v Dallas, v RSL, v Seattle - regardless of who’s lining up and giving direction to the starting eleven. (At time of posting, that is still interim head coach, Jack Cassidy), but Jeremy Peterman posted a quicky to Bluesky saying that the Timbers may report a new head coach this week.) The two things I liked to see:

1) Coherence in the Attack
Too often under Phil’s “guidance,” the Timbers functioned as a competitively dysfunctional improv troupe – i.e., too little “yes-anding” and too much “fuck it, guess I’ll just kick the ball.” Seeing the attacking pieces coordinate as they move on Thursday would be enough to make me coin the word "delief" (a delight meets a relief).

MLS Eastern Conference Re-Entry Cheat-Sheet: Your (Near) Post-World Cup Dose of Prevagen

From a movie/show called "State of Play," apparently.

With Major League Soccer returning to action this week (Eeeee!!!!), I put a little time into reorienting myself to what the big-picture state of play looked like before the World Cup break. So, with my results tracking Word doc as a guide (because MLSSoccer.com refuses to keep the Form Guide in full-season working condition), some sorting on the still-functioning (for now) Stats page, and a look ahead at what every team in MLS’s Eastern Conference has between today and (SIIIIGGHH!) the Leagues Cup in the first half of August, I put together brief ‘n’ loose notes on where every team in the East stands as regular season play resumes. There’s nothing deep down there, no more links, no kicking around tactics, notes on new signings, significant departures, and so on. This is just someone whispering over your shoulder to feed you a little more intel than you get off the name tag and your memory.

In the order they…stand, um, in the standings, these are my notes. Oh, and it looks like Leagues Cup kicks off on the first week of August. 

1st Nashville SC
Matches to Leagues Cup: v ATL, v MTL, @ ORL, @ DC
Notes
Compiled a 6-2-2 record over the ten games leading into the World Cup break, comfortably second in a runaway for the top three best goal differentials in MLS (Vancouver and San Jose are the other two), plus with three attacking players posting strong numbers in Sam Surridge (9 goals), Hany Mukhtar (6 goals, 5 assists), Warren Madrigal (5 goals, 4 assists; also, who?), and Cristian Espinoza (3 goals, 8 assists), plus the league’s sole remaining undefeated home record: Nashville’s better than fine. They’re also two points above Miami in the East with a game in hand. Based on the upcoming games listed above, and barring any disasters over the break, they’re a good bet to stay up here.

2nd Inter Miami CF
Matches to Leagues Cup: v CHI, @ MTL, v CLB
Notes
Their league-leading attack – led by (sigh) Lionel Messi – keeps Miami well above water and a free-swinging Eastern Conference (fun fact: every team in the West except three worst (SKC, Austin and Portland) have better goals allowed numbers than Miami). Their home record needs work (2-1-3, with the two wins coming versus Portland (of course) and a 6-4 win over Philly that underscores the “free-swinging” descriptor above. Miami will stick near the top, even if nothing in their past 10 games says their defense will improve (20 goals allowed, and against some crap teams). One likely under-appreciated detail: the assists they’re getting from Rodrigo De Paul (7) and Telasco Segovia (8). As for the upcoming, the Chicago game has fun written all over it, but I don’t see any gimmes in that run.

Portland Timbers, at the Break: Was It Underachieving?

something's gotta give, something's gotta give, something's...

To open the post with a question, does the Portland Timbers conscious uncoupling from Phil Neville render all that came before it even partially irrelevant?

Answer: Some combination of we’re about to find out and we’ll only know if the new hire makes the current team rise above lower middle-table class.

As I thought about what I wanted to write into the record during the moral injury timeout of Major League Soccer’s 2026 season, aka, the 2026 World Cup, I came up with a couple different approaches – e.g., reviewing every goal allowed this season to see if I could get a handle on whatever ails the Timbers defense (28 goals allowed so far, 2.0/game), or mining themes out of all the posts I’d written since First Kick 2026. On the theory that Neville’s departure renders all that at least partially irrelevant, all that’s going out the window.

Related, I’m not going to bother picking at the bones of the rotting camel carcass that ended Phil’s tenure, last Saturday’s 1-3 home loss versus the San Jose Earthquakes. On the most basic level, it was an(other?) example of game getting away from the Timbers; they gave up three goals with just over a quarter of the game played and Portland hasn’t scored more than two goals in any game outside the opener versus Columbus and versus a wretched, yet rising Sporting Kansas City team (now just three points below the Timbers). I doubt I would have put much time into that one had Neville stuck around. Setting aside the question of whether he was up to it (he wasn’t), the two-month The World Cup break will give every team in MLS something like a fresh start. Sure, some teams would make that start with more baggage than others – think of Portland running eight points behind the pace for the “real” (as in non-play-in) playoffs as starting adulthood with student debt in a race against trust-fund kids – but the Timbers brain-trust had plenty of information for gauging what was and wasn't working and making the relevant adjustments.

Those adjustments can only go so far, of course, with the extent limited by the players currently under contract with Portland. And that’s what the rest of this post will be: one man’s examination of the cards the Timbers currently hold in their hand and that its next manager will have to play. I’ll take those one at a time in player-by-player, position-by-position blurbs below - most based on the eye test, with a glance at the numbers – starting with the regulars and then on through the bench. Before touching on the present realities, however, let us turn our attention to a couple other externals.

San Jose Earthquakes Scouting Report: You Know What? Fuck It.

Yummy and a future worth dreaming about.

As I sit down to type this, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a point to it. The Timbers won’t play again until the middle of July (July!) and San Jose doesn’t play another regular season game until the week after. I mean, how many teams will come back after the break remade, refreshed and quite possibly smelling of peaches and mint. You say that’s silly, I say you never know. But, because I did the work…

The Basics

San Jose Earthquakes
9-3-2, 28 pts., 14 GP; 31 gf, 14 ga (+17); home 4-2-1, away 5-1-1
Last 10 Results: WWWWWWDDLL (6-2-2)
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ VAN (1-0 W); v SD (3-0 W); @ SKC (3-1 W); @ LAFC (4-1 W); v ATX (5-1 W); @ STL (3-2 W); @ TFC (1-1 D); v VAN (1-1 D); @ SEA (2-3 L); v FCD (2-3 L);

I made the personally unsettling decision to track only the past ten games for every team in Major League Soccer (literally killing me), but for anyone who forgot the San Jose Earthquakes conceded one single goal over their first six games (versus Seattle Sounders; hold that thought). Even after the surrendered their second goal, then third, then fourth, then they allowed two after that, etc., it took to the beginning of (fucking) May for San Jose to draw its next game of 2026. In the words of the great philosopher, Gwen Stefani, that shit is bananas for the team that traded Cristian Espinoza to Nashville SC and doesn’t have any other player that would make most people’s short list for league-elite players.

When they picked up their second loss of the season at Seattle, nobody blinked because why would you? They were 10-1-0 at the time, San Jose was bound to slip up at some point, so why not again a Sounders that both started strong and beat them previously? Even that was tricky – e.g., they started a sacrificial lineup and gave up two shit goals, but the first shit goal (midfield where?) – which tied the score – came after Ousseni Bouda and Preston Judd came into the game. Judd returned the game to 2-2 with his ninth(!) goal of 2026, but Seattle scored the winner (also not good; defenders where?) after Beau Leroux and the experienced Paul Marie came in to solidify the defense. And then came last weekend versus FC Dallas...

Inter Miami CF 2-0 Portland Timbers: Blood From a Stone

Some have it, some get out of the way.

With this as late as it is, I’m gonna do all of us a solid and keep it short. Then again, with the Portland Timbers once again sinking to the bottom of the Western Conference what else is there to say but not great, Bob?

Inter Miami CF 2-0 Portland Timbers
What Passes for a Match Report
My personal highlights included Cole Bassett nutmegging Rodrigo De Paul in the first half (even if the ensuing play went nowhere) and Joao Ortiz getting off scot-free after absolutely wrecking him in the second, but that doesn’t show up on the scoreboard like Lionel Messi cutting through four defenders like a cosmically centered border collie wrecking an obstacle course. You have to tip your hat to the guy on that one, no matter how grudgingly, but seeing the defenders lose the sunsetting legend score Miami’s first goal on yet another give-and-go and the 1,000,000th trailing run of his career sticks in the craw like a broken chicken bone. At any rate, the fat lady broke into her aria after the second goal. One could make a fair case she started her vocal exercises after the first.

You have to sit through the full highlights to see Portland’s better moments (with MLS doing the clipping, I assume Messi’s wunder-run consumed the snapshot whole). Despite posting decent numbers, the Timbers didn’t put up much resistance. Kevin Kelsy probably fired Portland’s most collectively competent shot on goal (second half header) and Cole Bassett shot a smart one from range in the first half, but their chances of scoring more than one goal felt like something between fantasy and pipe dream. With 13 games in the books and just one (tough) game left to play versus the San Jose Earthquakes (more…tomorrow? Thursday?), the stinging sense that Portland’s not really in the hunt for, well, anything lingers like a fart in an elevator. The answer to the question of what’s going wrong boils down to the enduring cliché [gestures broadly]. The eye test is only really damning on the attack end – take the six goals scored versus Sporting Kansas City out of the sample and Portland averages a sliver above one goal a game – but the defense can’t be great when the Timbers posted its only clean sheet…versus SKC.

Portland Timbers 6-0 Sporting KC: Love & Trust, Plus a Club du Foot Montreal Scouting Report

Kindly turn your attention to the little red dot...

In last week’s post, I recommended that Portland Timbers fans memory-hole the hopeless, whistle-to-whistle loss at Real Salt Lake. At the risk of pissing off, OH, everyone, I recommend that people memory-hole Portland’s Sunday-best 6-0 demolition of Sporting Kansas City. The argument for treating the SKC win like someone else’s bestest birthday ever actually makes more sense because, which of these things feels most likely to happen again: 1) Portland getting outplayed at every position but goalkeeper, or 2) the Timbers kicking rainbow sparkles out of some hapless team going for all-time Wooden Spoon?

If the Timbers roll up to Montreal on Wednesday and we see bright shimmering lights in the eastern skies, we’ll know it’s not the Aurora Borealis. It’s our boys kicking rainbow sparkles out of Club du Foot Montreal.

Needless to say, I don’t like our chances up north. I also don’t need Portland to keep this great thing rolling. All I need from them in Montreal is something between recognizable competence and three points. Per the title, this post will close with a wee Montreal Scouting Report. Before that, let’s relive the glorious thing I’m charging you all with forgetting…swear this is for your own protection.

Portland Timbers 6-0 Sporting Kansas City
What Passes for a Match Report
Even after Kristoffer Velde banged in a 6th-minute goal that was somehow equal parts unlikely and entirely on-brand, I still had no goddamn idea which way the game would ultimately goal. Speaking solely for myself, all doubts evaporated by the 26th-minute own-goal scored by that poor bastard Jacob Davis (who, just to note it, is one of several Jacobs/Jasons in SKC’s defense that I’ve seen mortally mortify himself over the first third of 2026). That one had some dark magic in it. Like a monkey’s paw curling just to give you the finger for some sin you may never have committed.

Sporting Kansas City Scouting Report & MLS Week 11 Wrap: A Parade of Weakness

So, "welcoming spirit" is a thing. 

This post ends with the Sporting Kansas City Scouting Report. For the record, (I swear) I did not do that to drag the reader through the rest of the post; skip to the bottom as the spirit moves you. It had more to do with keeping the past with the past and the future wherever it ends up. Think of it as kicking around what I know before moving on to what I think I know.

The secondary purpose comes with situating the Portland Timbers in the Western Conference before interrogating the good and bad that will come from whatever result they get against SKC. With an eye to feng shui, notes on Major League Soccer’s Eastern Conference will come first, followed by notes on the West, followed by the SKC preview. To answer the question no one asked, yes, I did abandon the idea of writing about just three games. What I can I say: restlessness makes me an unreliable narrator. With that, let’s get something out of the way:

Results I Ignored
TFC 1-1 SJ (Toronto’s burning home games on draws (5, 8 of 11 at home); San Jose will be fine)
ATL 3-1 MTL (good for Atlanta, seriously, but Montreal’s bad on the road)
PHI 0-0 NSH (Nashville will be fine; Philly’s fishing around their pants for a Wooden Spoon)
LAG 1-1 VAN (Vancouver will be fine and should stay in Vancouver, goddammit)

Moving on to…

Eastern Conference Notes
Still Nashville’s conference to lose – though I’m seeing rumors about injuries, even beyond Sam Surridge – which make the shifts below them more interesting.

Real Salt Lake 2-0 Portland Timbers: Local Man Loses Popularity Contest* (Wait for It...)

That big fucker should get you $50.

Wanting something to succeed comes with a built-in temptation to want to see the good in things. In last week’s wrap of the Portland Timbers’ win over San Diego FC, I started a thought about Portland being in a weird space after that win, plus the one versus LAFC, and just posed the obvious question – i.e., what would happen if Portland won at Real Salt Lake?

We all know that happened Saturday – EMPHATICALLY not that – but I wanted to stick with tricks of the eye for a minute. I came around on Kristoffer Velde to the point of thinking I misread my first impression; Jose Caicedo’s rep took a knock for me at Minnesota, but, being a necessary piece, I pinned my hopes on him because I have nowhere else to pin them; I keep hearing the name “Aravena” and figure it must mean something (it hasn't, not so far): players to project onto a brighter future, basically, and yet. While you’re there, stuff Cole Bassett into the frame and why not make room for David Da Costa, Jimer Fory and Alex Bonetig?

With that in your head, step back and ask yourself: did you think, believe, whatever that the Timbers would win at Real Salt Lake? I accepted the possibility they might with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old who’s pretty sure the Tooth Fairy is bullshit, but who still wants the quarter. (Or the dollar. Seriously, what did you get from the tooth fairy?). Again, we all know what happened Saturday – i.e., there was neither tooth nor quarter when we woke, just pain– so let’s kick that around.

Real Salt Lake 2-0 Portland Timbers
What Passes for a Match Report
After re-watching (most of) the first half, the best thing I can say is that it’s not as bad as you remember it. Portland got pulled to shredding, no question, but RSL’s attacks didn’t hit often as they seemed to in real time. 18 shots with 11 on goal says otherwise (the game ended 25/15 to 11/2), of course, and the quality of the chance creation (quite good!) was always the biggest concern. Diego Luna ran rampant, both Zavier Gozo and Morgan Guilovogui ran free in acres outside Portland’s (and Jimer Fory’s) right, and Sergi Solans alternately out-wrestled and out-raced the Timbers oft-clumsy high line. James Pantemis’ thirteen saves kept the bloodbath polite, but every Portland fan with eyes sees the body and most know the state of it.