MLS in the Time of COVID-19

It's a myth. LIVE! (No, seriously, don't.)

Seeing that this space has been chronicling the comings and goings of Major League Soccer since January 11, 2015, how can I pass through one of the biggest events in its history without commentary? I’m talking, of course, about MLS’s 25th anniversary season! 25 years, guys! Holy shit, and how many times did I think you’d never make it…but also COVID-19, the fact that the 2020 regular season was put on hold for several weeks and, when you get right down to it, may not happen at all…

…and if some part of you hasn’t braced yourself for the possibility of the entire 2020 season never happening, my guess is you’re wondering why everyone’s freaking out and hanging scare-quotes about the phrase “social distancing” in every day conversation. This post is for you too, and don't mind the insults.

With news on the coronavirus outbreak going wall-to-wall until we run out of walls, I’m not going to dig too much into that specific subject. Anyone who wants to know what’s happening already does, which leaves the rest of you deciding whether Fox News is “too far left” of OANN (here, “too far left” signals an a willingness to try bleach as medication). To go back to why I almost expect to see the entire 2020 season cancelled, that just follows from what I'm reading - same as you (and, seriously, don't read OANN). MLS honchos have tentatively slated May 10 for the league’s return and, based on most of what I’ve read, they still hope to play the full slate of games, only on a condensed schedule. If that happens and a full season comes to pass, I’ll celebrate more irresponsibly than most. That has everything to do with how surprised I’ll be to see it.

First things first, no one knows much about this bug – all the way down to seasonality, i.e., whether or not higher temperatures will slow it down. That said, whether it’s higher temperatures or the (increasingly unlikely) effect of fully successful social distancing and/or nation-wide shelter-in-place lock-downs, it’s entirely possible that, perhaps as early as May 10, or even as late as June or July, countries all over the world will attempt a resort to “normalcy,” which, by the way, is one of my favorite words from around the time of the Spanish Flu outbreak. (Ah, the unwanted parallels.) At any rate, once the infections stop growing, y’know, exponentially, temptation to return to normal life will exert a powerful pull on all of us. Also, face it, just about every person on the fucking planet will embrace that with the “I-don’t-actually-care-if-it-kills-me” recklessness of this year’s Spring Break revels. Seriously, if/when the day comes when The Man gives the all-clear, it will take a reservation and a sword and shield to get into your favorite local night-spots. The party is gonna be lit, y’all!

It also has real potential to bring the latent virus roaring back – and even that assumes that COVID-19 doesn’t follow the same “deadly second wave” pattern that the 2018-2020 “Spanish Flu” (related: if Trump calling it the “Chinese flu” seems like a useful and meaningful idea to you, please stop voting immediately; you’re only hurting every team). Anyhoo, I just wanted to note the very real possibility that the 2020 season may not happen at all…

…and, if you think that makes me happy, you have not one fucking idea how much more I value a quiet, predictable life than you ever will (you goddamn Nazi fanatic). If you told me that I could kill five men and life would go back to normal, I’d just ask you for names and addresses*. (*JFC, OF COURSE I’m kidding! Worse, that’d be terrible plotting and worse dialogue.)

But, if all the unicorns hidden on the earth join in a mighty, frolicking circle in the mountains or Utah (this is why Moab exists, apparently), point their single horns to the sky, light the Phoenix Queen on fire with the power of love, and the earth receives its first, torrential golden shower since Noah’s Ark…and then the 2020 regular season starts on May 10th (or thereabouts) and ends…whenever the fuck it has to end, that’s what I want to talk about...but not yet. If the 2020 starts again and ends with a regular old MLS Cup, what was the season like to that point? This wasn’t just any regular season either: this was the league’s 25th anniversary, one that, no less significantly, came after a year where the debate over the Iron Front logo and, to some extent, antifa culture, poisoned relations between MLS and several fan bases – mine included (and me very much among both the offended. And the baffled. Just…where was the win in that action, MLS?).

In fewer words, the league really could have used a happy, uncomplicated season. They’d set the stage so well: ambitions and operating budget got big enough to drive one of, if not the hottest off-seasons on record – up to and including reliable Liga MX players coming to the States to play, not to mention ever-higher scale raids from Europe’s…OK, fine, secondary leagues. The quality of player still went up – an impressive amount of it on the attacking side – and enough to make you wonder how last year’s defenses would cope. When you saw Minnesota United FC skin the San Jose Earthquakes 5-2 in San Jose, or when Sporting Kansas City silenced the “but Vancouver” skepticism of their opening win with a 4-0 paddling of the Houston Dynamo at home – or even when the Philadelphia Union went into Banc of California Stadium with every intention of out-playing league darlings Los Angeles FC – it looked like all the marginal defenses wouldn’t, or at least not all the time, and what’s better than more teams playing like they’ve got a shot…and with some real chance at pulling it off? The year looked good. Sure, some teams started slow or clumsy, and some teams fell short of low expectations, but you also had the Colorado Rapids, perfect after two games and dripping with confidence, whether earned or unearned…

…and then it stopped. Just like that, we’ll never really know, did the Rapids earn that confidence or...TBD? Both wins were real as the six points they delivered, but what happens to the Rapids’ momentum? If you don’t believe in momentum, then you’re telling me the Portland Timbers didn’t win the 2015 MLS Cup. I didn’t really believe in it till then…

Anyway, Major League Soccer will start again one day. (Hell, it might go under, weirder things have happened, by far, and these are/were extraordinary times; I haven’t gone bowling it three fucking weeks! But, no, I don’t have any reason to think it will right now.) That’s what I want to close on, not least because I can’t think of anything more hopeful to talk about than when people will get to watch and live professional soccer again. Before ticking through the teams, I want to make one thing clear: I miss it. The MLS season is one of my favorite things: I get to write, I get to share something I love with people who love it…generally more than I do (and that’s saying a lot), and, as much as I bitch about it (a lot), I like having a simple, uncomplicated pleasure to look forward to on a more or less weekly basis, and for most of every year. Something about that schedule, having a rhythm in my life, appeals to me very deeply. I like it when the season ends too, but that’s just recharging the batteries for another season. It’ll come. Ideally, with as many of us around as possible, but…

Back to that high note, we had a series in progress before COVID-19 viciously constipated the entire planet (that said, if wildlife is winning, good on ya, guys). I think…yes, every team in MLS had played two games by the time the league shut down the season, but that’s where the point about Colorado (arguably, maybe infrequently) re-joins the conversation. Between the lull in action – and the related end of training – how much can what happened in those two games mean for any team? To come at that from a more practical angle, if teams like, say, FC Cincinnati (oh, why are they on my mind?) can’t spend time on the field with their newly-acquired (and decently-promising players) did that really give the team more time to come together? The same goes for, say, the Timbers (wha…why would I think of them?), but going the other way: they need to update how they attack using a mix of current, quality players, but can they do that without players interacting? To take the examples out of the equation, how does a delay without practices (and god knows what happens with fitness training) benefit any team, but the ones with the better muscle memory to carry over from last year – i.e., the good teams from 2019?

Is that true? Beats me. Are the Rapids legit? Depending on how you define it, yes! (No typo; that’s largely interpretive!) Did Sporting KC’s hot start signal a real turn-around for last year’s surprise-package whipping boys? Dunno. But I also don’t know how that team fails spectacularly, but that’s why I like regular seasons so much: they prove things…dear God, how much of this is about enjoyment and how much of it is about a craving to understand a controlled universe…I mean, do I really like soccer??

Yes, I do, and with the white-hot passion of a contestant on Love Is Blind. In closing, may you have the best possible quarantining experience, and we’ll talk on the other side of this fucking debacle. Below are hot/quick takes on each team in MLS and what their two games from 2020 suggested, if anything. I’ll lump all 26 teams in the league into the same four categories I used in my 2020 MLS season preview; instead of removing from one category or the other, I’m just going to flag the teams most likely to defy my (and only my) original expectations for them in 2020 in some subtle way (you'll see it). Because the categories don’t speak for themselves, I’ll define them as I go. In order, from most interesting to least:

Interesting Good

Definition: Teams with a solid-to-good foundation, and who’d made credible upgrades (but don't mind the first team listed...shit).

Atlanta United FC, 2-0-0

Losing Josef Martinez hurts, possibly like hell, but they’ve probably got the talent to grind out a play off season – even with Darlington Nagbe and Julian Gressel gone. Their ceiling goes as high as Ezequiel Barco and Pity Martinez [or talent to come] raises it, and that means in terms of fun as well.

Los Angeles Galaxy, 0-1-1 (perhaps mistaken)

Chicharito-mania has become, can the rest of the Galaxy even find him in just two games? The…somewhat journeyman vibe in the rest of the roster encourages that, but it’s probably premature. Still, they looked pretty shitty based on what I saw, and that’s enough to make me question where I put them going in.

Sporting KC, 2-0-0

No, the opponents weren’t big. I also heard the games looked more tenuous in real time. Still, those results. SKC got handed two minnows and they ate them. The fundamentals look just as good, so…they still seem worth the bet.

Columbus Crew SC, 1-0-1

Four points on two tough outs – that was hosting New York City FC and visiting Seattle Sounders FC – gives some confirmation they’ll be solid. The scoring hasn’t been free yet – but Lucas Zelarayan showed flashes – but, again, the opposition. They’re still up here.

New England Revolution, 0-1-1 (perhaps mistaken)

So…it’s possible that watching them kick Portland’s ass in preseason led me to overrate the Revs’ attack. The team I thought might run Brazil’s old game of outscoring the opposition no matter what has just 1.0 goal per game so far…and against crappy teams (no offense, to the Montreal Impact and/or Chicago Fire). Another early miss.

Colorado Rapids, 2-0-0

A good enough defense and a good enough offense. Add two middling teams (DC away, and Orlando at home) and you’ve got two wins in as many games. I still have them in the playoffs, second round, if they’re lucky. And that’s interesting.

Interesting Bad, 0-2-0

Definition: A team that’s probably bad, but that also put real effort into improving.

FC Cincinnati, 0-2-0

Hello, darkness, my old friend. Based on the two match reports I wrote about them, I’m feeling generally more positive about Cincy this season, but that’s because they feel more focused and capable. Yeah, that’s also two losses, but against the Red Bulls (well…), and even three-quarter-ass(?)-Atlanta, those aren’t the games they need to win. Hopeful…

Philadelphia Union, 0-1-1 (perhaps mistaken)

They came into the season as one of the hardest teams to read in MLS; a loss at Dallas and a drunken Irish brawl of a draw at LAFC didn’t make that any easier. Again, that’s two tough outs and they played the big one with a lot of belief. Another stay tuned…and I probably underrated them…

Chicago Fire, 0-1-1

Why does the same record mean different things for different teams? Because, Chicago might be the answer. In the midst of a massive overhaul, as they are, Chicago’s bar is just lower. Also, a glimmer of light would have been good. Not yet, but…stay tuned.

Vancouver Whitecaps, 1-0-1 (perhaps mistaken)

For instance, beat a team with decent expectations in their house, as the ‘Caps did against the LA Galaxy. Does anyone take them seriously? Jesus, no! Especially not after the break. Still, of the teams in this group, I’m starting to take interest here.

Inter Miami CF, 0-2-0

Expansion teams are blank slates, and therefore always fascinating. So far, they’ve got close losses to LAFC and DC on the road. That means they’re not victims (with an assist from the CCL in the LAFC game, still…), and therefore probably not total crap.

Boring Good

Definition: Teams that I expect to be competitive, maybe even great, but who also didn’t do anything to either interest me or change their overall trajectory in the off-season. They’re not bad, you just know what to expect.

Portland Timbers, 1-1-0 (perhaps mistaken)

One bad loss, one dirty tie, and soul-sucking memories of late 2019: that’s where I see the Timbers after two games. They’ve looked like the same frustrated team so far. A common response to this argument is, “it’s March, lighten up, asshole.” Fair enough.

Los Angeles FC, 1-0-1

If anything, they’ve under-impressed, but I think they’re still whole and coping with a CCL campaign. All that makes it hard to place them, but they’ve still got the elite talent (e.g., Carlos Vela).

Seattle Sounders FC, 1-0-1

Do you expect anymore? Not really – not even with both games at home. Seattle often starts slow. Still, Jordan Morris hasn’t. Their rebuilt defense was, and remains, the open question.

FC Dallas, 1-0-1

Not a perfect start, but also not a bad one: Dallas has more veterans on its game-day roster than you think, but the whole thing still feels…middling. Like the results. Good enough for the playoffs, then…

New York City FC, 0-2-0 (perhaps mistaken)

For all their talent, they’ve always had some trouble scoring. They still do. They’re also still just 1.0 goals against per game, so it won’t take too much in either direction, right?

Toronto FC, 1-0-1

Solid, not spectacular, and all of it very low-scoring. As noted in my preview, this is one of those teams I miss on often, so I’m checking to the power.

DC United, 1-1-0

How much you rate Colorado probably colors how you rate DC, because what else do you expect from a home game against an expansion team? For what it’s worth, I think they’ll still do something closer to last season…and I still can’t bring myself to believe they’ll be fun.

Red Bulls New York, 1-0-1 (perhaps mistaken)

If I didn’t watch them wilt over the full 90 against FC Cincy, and hang on for dear, undeserved life against RSL, I’d probably rate the Red Bulls higher. But I didn’t, and I can’t. All the doubts came roaring back.

Minnesota United FC, 2-0-0 (perhaps mistaken)

It wasn’t so much the two wins as the manner of them that makes me believe that Minnesota will build on last season. I didn’t expect to see them hit the season with a swagger…so it’d be a damn shame if that burned off over the goddamn quarantine.

Boring Bad

Definition: They didn’t do great in 2019 and went with something too close to faith to improve in 2020.

Houston Dynamo, 0-1-1

I wouldn’t have expected a result from either of those games, but this was a team that missed the 2019 playoffs. Darwin Quintero? Without Romell Quioto? And…just Elis? I don’t see how it gets better.

San Jose Earthquakes, 0-1-1

The opposition wasn’t easy, but two home losses at home to start the season – one of them a blow-out – and without any upgrades on a team that, again, missed last season’s playoffs.

Real Salt Lake, 0-1-1

When your scoring is the biggest question about you, the only way to correct the narrative is scoring more. They have not. And they had crazy chances against the Red Bulls.

Orlando City SC, 0-1-1

Do you remember when people were excited about Nani? There’s just nothing about Orlando this side of a collective miracle that says they have a chance in any version of 2020.

Montreal Impact, 1-0-1 (perhaps mistaken)

The draw at Dallas impresses more than the home win over New England, but Maxi Urruti looking useful bodes well. And, yes, this could always be Montreal being Montreal – e.g., a periodically good team that’s generally mediocre.

Nashville SC, 0-2-0

After going up 1-0, Portland dared Nashville to score and that kind of underscored the read on this team. Don’t expect a lot of pleasure, Nashville fans, not even the masochistic delight of seeing your team lose, say, 1-7. When pain becomes pleasure, man…

I think that’s actually everyone. To anyone who reads this, I hope it gave you a couple things to turn over, not all of them goddamn virus related. Here’s to getting back to regular life with as many of your loved ones and mine as possible.