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| Ooh. Something about Orlando coming up. |
Don’t expect deep analysis in anything below and I didn't flag more than a couple players by name. Also, judge me, if you must, for giving up early on doing league-wide coverage literally every season, but I still haven’t landed on a way of actually cover Major League Soccer that 1) I trust and 2) doesn't feel like rehashing the same shit everyone has plowed over three times or more. I’ll take another swing in 2025 – i.e., tinker with the methodology, maybe lower the bar for “trust,” etc. – but the best I can offer for 2024 is recollection of half- (or less-than-half-)remembered videos and highlights, a review of undeniable trends, both long- and short-term, and a succession of hiccups percolating up from my gut.
In nuts-‘n’-bolts terms, I’m gonna list every team in MLS, by conference and in their current order, from top to tail, and give a brief read on where they are now and their season as I understand it. Hot takes will come as my gut gives ‘em, otherwise…allons y!
WESTERN CONFERENCE (hey, that’s my home conference!)
Los Angeles Galaxy (1st in West, 2nd overall)
The somewhat rare team that can pull apart the opposition, arguably as good in possession as they are in transition. Vulnerabilities include a middling road record (6-6-4) and a middling defense, but the Galaxy have real talent all over the attacking third (given a preferred starting XI) and they can score from as many places. They’ve been lethal at home all season – only LAFC beat them there (and the last of their three home draws came in mid-May) – and they can beat any team on their day. They’ll have to win on the road to do it, but the Galaxy have a real shot at MLS Cup.
Los Angeles FC (2nd in West, 4th overall)
They wobbled hard through September (Leagues Cup Legs?) but have since righted the ship and in pretty convincing fashion – e.g., four straight wins as of today, three on the road (@ CIN, SKC, VAN). Having league-elite attackers running in front of one of the West’s sturdier defenses (3rd lowest in goals against at 42) gets a team places and, up and down as they’ve been in 2024, they went 9-0-1 between mid-May and early July and, again, they made it to the Leagues Cup final. That’s two runs put together in a single season and that spells trophy-competitive in just about any league.
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| Did Dickens inspire "like the Dickens"? |
Pains me like the Dickens to say it, but Seattle has a real chance to hit the playoffs at a dark horse’s pace; beating my Portland Timbers on Decision Day should cement that. On top of having the West’s tightest defense, they’re winning real ones down the stretch, both home and away, and don’t read too much into the average-on-paper attack, because they squeezed four-fifths of their scoring into the last two-thirds of the season. Again, I don’t like it any more than you do, and gods willing the Timbers spoil it any way they can, but seeing Seattle in the MLS Cup final wouldn’t surprise me in the least. Still, boring as fuck, but sturdy goes a long goddamn way.
Real Salt Lake (4th in West, 7th overall)
I admire this team, I really do, but they are…fa…ding. Their past five wins came against Houston, Atlanta, New England and Dallas at home, plus San Jose on the road; those five take them all the way back to the beginning of July; they have four losses and as many draws around those. That run and a strong start kept them well above water, but they’ve struggled to get the upper hand against any team that matters for some months. Seeing which team finishes fifth in the West will go a long ways toward determining whether or not they see the quarterfinals. I’ll be stunned to see them get past them.
Houston Dynamo FC (5th in West, 9th overall)
A little like a first-generation Terminator in that they never stop coming, even as they struggle a little in terms of keeping up with you. Houston doesn’t do anything splashy out there, but, for all their limitations, they have a system, they apply it competently and can call in the odd shimmering, special moment. I doubt they’ll go the distance, but I’d hate to meet them in the playoffs, particularly if I fell on the wrong side of a 1-0 start against them, home or away.
Colorado Rapids (6th in West, 10th overall)
After showing genuine signs of life from mid-June to mid-September, the Rapids show every sign of a team that went cold at the exact wrong time. They've played a game not so different than Portland’s – i.e., orient the team toward scoring, because you do that better than you defend – with a little less refinement in the talent. Not to blow that out of proportion – though Colorado did score just five fewer goals than the Timbers (and allowed two more goals) – but the margins get thin real quick for any team that takes this approach. They clearly can have good days, but they’re bleeding goals lately and the self-belief ain’t filling the sails like it used to. A likely casualty in the Round of 16.
Minnesota United FC (7th in West, 12th overall)
Probably have reason to feel better than both Colorado and RSL. If any team in the West can make the most out of 7th, Minnesota feels most likely to. They have some new players – a steady-scoring striker among them – and, as much as the beginning of their late boost (six wins in their last 10 games) came against soft-ish opposition, the Loons have bagged some real results over their past three games (3-0 v COL, goal-less draw at RSL, and a (well-deserved) road win at Vancouver). Not so different than Houston, in that they have the furthest outside chance of actually winning MLS Cup, but they're another team yours should hate to meet in the playoffs.
Vancouver Whitecaps (8th in West, 14th overall)
The ‘Caps haven’t won since mid-September, which leaves them winless in six, including four losses, the last three at home. That’s as bad as it gets heading into the playoffs. A Decision Day win at RSL feels like a stretch, even with their road record (7-5-4) and all hands on deck, and that could see them forced to play on the road for the playoff play-in at, hey, My Portland Timbers! I wouldn’t write off Vancouver by any means – they pulled one back against LAFC on Sunday and had more chances to win the game than LA – and they score well enough, and from multiple sources, but that has dried up to 1.1 goals/game over their past 10.
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| This comes up in a search for "heck yes". |
It’s hard to look critically at the team you love, but it took watching (literally) every minute of the past six games or so to hold on to hope that this team would go anywhere beyond the first step into the playoffs. They played so valiantly for so long, at least until even valor dried up in the second half of their home draw versus FC Dallas. The hard truth is that this team hasn’t won on the road since June – and they beat San Jose (barely) when they did. If next week’s game was against anyone but Seattle, I'd already be prepping the obit for Portland’s 2024 season. Still, beat Seattle on Decision Day (…what’s that, a 40/60 call?), host Vancouver in the play-in and beat them, then you’ve got a little momentum for a best-in-three series versus one of the LA teams. Is that likely? Good lord, no. Is it possible? Heck, yes. (Again, that’s “heck, yes,” not “hell, yeah!”; real distinction.)
Austin FC (10th in West, 19th overall)
The literal best of the worst - i.e., it’s all teams that missed the playoffs from here – Austin still capably demonstrated how nothing can save a team if they die down the stretch. I watched these guys, gods, probably five teams this season? They didn’t look like more than a bubble team across all of those viewings and just four wins over their last twenty (20!) games of the season pretty much covers why they missed the playoffs. I don’t even think they had that many injury problems, but do correct if I’m wrong.
FC Dallas (11th in West, 20th overall)
Dallas somehow stayed in it until last weekend, so at least the Timbers accomplished something with the dismal pig of an outing last Sunday. (Wait, hold on; was it Austin that was still alive? Wait, hold on; who gives a shit?) Had Dallas started 2024 better, who knows? Maybe they limp into the post-season like Colorado or RSL. A decent stretch from early July to mid-September almost saved them, but then they had stupid, irreparable failures like getting just one point out of the last nine on offer. Dallas hit the bar on their last attempt to clearing it, basically…
St. Louis CITY FC (12th in West, 24th overall)
They made adjustments that boosted them through the Leagues Cup and that have turned them into a hobgoblin for a couple playoff-bound teams (e.g., the Galaxy, some weeks ago, and Houston last weekend). Decision Day gives them a final, tantalizing opportunity to shit on one more parade (Minnesota’s), but the too-little-too-late aspect of their season must have St. Louis fans gritting their teeth. I think they’ll need some more pieces to compete next season, but St. Louis really does look like they improved.
Sporting Kansas City (13th in West, 27th overall)
I look at this team and don’t get how they’re…well, this bad. The personnel looks competent, if only until you see them play. That said, I don’t know how many self-respecting SKC fans can keep showing up until Peter Vermes is canned (if he has been canned, please add to the comments below; I'm on (self-imposed) deadline). It sounds like they have a management cluster-fuck to take care of on top of that, but a whiff of rot has surrounded SKC over the past several seasons. Just sayin’…
San Jose Earthquakes (14th in West, 29th overall)
They shoot horses, don’t they? Fire everyone, salt the earth, start over. This season saw the ‘Quakes beat just six teams all season. Impressive as some of those wins were, San Jose lost 24 games this season. Twenty-four. Absolute masochism.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
Inter Miami CF (1st in East, 1st overall)
First and foremost – and I say it believing the league would inevitably trend in this direction - curse MLS for making this season as predictable as most of the leagues in Europe. Miami bagged the Supporters’ Shield when they beat Columbus in Columbus at the beginning of the month. The same result likely made them prohibitive favorites to win MLS Cup, because who’s gonna stop ‘em. To give Miami their due, all kind of players not named Messi or Suarez or Alba had to step up to lift them to the Shield. That doesn’t mean I’m not waiting in breathless anticipation for the day when All Things Messi doesn’t distort the competitive/media environment around the league.
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| It is a serious obstacle, to be clear. |
Complete as they are top-to-bottom, I feel confident calling them the next likeliest team to win MLS Cup; just gotta clear the Miami-sized obstacle between it and them. With nothing else to watch and decent motivation to tune in, I watched them draw-and-quarter the Revolution last weekend. The competition pitted a bull against a gadfly, sure, but it nevertheless underscored the wide gap between a team that got just about everything right against the team that put so many feet wrong that they basically caught fire. To think how many tournaments they played this season – and how many in which they thrived.
FC Cincinnati (3rd in East, 5th overall)
To give one indicator of how my “sports-brain” works, catching glimpses of them stumbling has made me more interested in FC Cincinnati than anything that happened during its Shield-winning season. And yet…oooof! A thoroughly-depleted back-line turned the back-eleven of their regular season into a run of form (2-7-2) Cincy hasn’t seen since 2022. That includes three straight losses down the stretch, two against Eastern Conference playoff teams (the 2-3 loss at NYCFC, didn’t hurt nearly as much as the 1-3 loss versus Orlando at home). Clearly vulnerable going into the post-season, even as a higher seed.
Orlando City SC (4th in East, 8th overall)
Everyone directly involved with the product on the field deserves a ton of credit for keeping hope alive after s staggering start to their 2024 season that, all things considered, stretched to the end of June. Throw in a solid road record (8-6-3) and I suspect you’re looking at the East’s likeliest dark horse to stun Miami, etc. They’ve always played a composed and polished style, but it took all season (and perhaps some late additions?) to meld that attack into something that can make good on a capable, yet average defense – a defense that has since improved to 1.1 goals allowed over the last 16 games. To be clear, that’s with eleven of the 18 goals allowed coming in just three of those games. I give them an outside shot at lifting MLS.
New York City FC (5th in East, 11th overall)
In my defense, NYCFC gave me every reason to write them off with that nine-game winless streak that (in league play) last from early July to mid-to-late September. Watching them match their cross-river rivals draw for draw over that stretch was like watching four Oregonians at a four-way stop, but Les Pigeons broke that stalemate with a depantsing/ass-kicking late in the regular, followed by two more wins. They have a shot at finishing in the top 4, but it'll take that plus a stumble by Orlando at home against Atlanta. Crazier things, and all that, but I’ll be stunned to see them get their legs over that hurdle. A bit of a grab-bag, barely-get-‘er-done kind of team, honestly, but they still could be good for an upset. They have a Decision Day road game at Montreal they can turn into a warning shot that they’ve resolved some of their road issues.
Charlotte FC (6th in East, 13th overall)
After two remarkably identical first seasons (look it up; it's freaky), I don’t think Charlotte FC has gotten the credit it deserves for making a jump this season. As much as I doubt they’re any neutrals first-choice alternate, a just fucking good defense (2nd lowest goals allowed in MLS) has made them one of MLS's steadier teams – so, naturally they capped their season with a run of shoot-outs (e.g., 4-0 v NE, 4-3 v CHI…2-0 v MTL?). Getting the giddy-up into that attack is about the only way they’ll go far in the 2024 playoffs, but sturdy defenses spook nine playoff teams out of ten for a reason. Another team no one wants to play…starting with Cincy, the team most likely to get them.
Red Bull New York (7th in East, 15th overall)
They didn’t get the record, but they gave it their all: the Red Bulls’ 14 draws explains their season and their place in the East better than any other stat. Despite the toll that surely took on Red Bull fans, all those points the stole had value in the season (dragged others down, emphasis on “dragged”) and draws become something different and better in tournament settings. For all that, they go in with the handicap of being yet another crap road team from the Eastern Conference (4-8-4), one lacking (with apologies to Lewis Morgan) a singular attacking weapon or some similar organizing man/concept in the final third. There’s a reason why they’ve won just four since the beginning of June. Unlikely to do or be much more than a momentary headache for another team.
DC United (8th in East, 17th overall)
If I didn’t mention writing of NYCFC, I did, just not nearly as harshly as I wrote of DC. To their very real credit, they have life left in them. All they need to sustain that life into the 2024 post-season is a draw and they could do a lot worse than hosting Charlotte at home for getting one. That said, an atrocious goal differential leaves them vulnerable: if they lose, Montreal draws or wins, and Philly wins, DC misses the playoffs – a set of outcomes that’s anything but crazy. Also, staying in the playoffs shows every sign of being the pinnacle of achievement for Christian Benteke & His Team…how teams rely that much on one player?
Club du Foot Montreal (9th in East, 18th overall)
And…one more time! I stopped paying attention to Montreal…fuck me, think it was back in April, and yet here they are still knocking around outside the venue looking to squeeze in for the encore. And, not unlike NYCFC, writing them off seemed like a wholly rational thing to do as last as the end of August – but they went 4-1-1 since then (if against MLS’s worst) to hoist themselves back to the glory of fighting for the scraps. Knowing as little as I know about them, throwing out a prediction of any kind feels foolhardy…but I’d still bet on them as the last team from the East to miss the playoffs.
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| On your ass like a fucking tattoo, MF! |
I doubt I’m saying anything controversial when I call Toronto’s last couple rounds of investments busts that border on historic for MLS. High-profile coaches came and went (and came), they went all-in on the Italians and what did gain them but a near-miss of the playoffs after missing the prior three seasons (and ending 2023 with a Wooden Spoon rapping their nethers!). Close just doesn’t count after that much investment; recovering from the psychic damage alone may take an exorcist.
Philadelphia Union (11th in East, 22nd overall, somehow still alive in the East)
There is no greater monument to the mediocrity of the mid-to-low end of MLS’s Eastern Conference in 2024 than the fact that Philadelphia has a decent shot at making the playoffs after winning just four games over the first…hold…23 games of the 2024 season. The absurdity of that notwithstanding (it's very absurd!), they snapped to long enough late in the season to arrive at a place where they controlled their own fate. Just beating Atlanta at home would have pushed them over the top (aka, to 42 points), but they blew that before (not unreasonably) loose at both Orlando and Columbus, even if closely in both cases. That leaves them in the picture, but hanging on by a positive goal differential. It’s very much win and pray for this bunch, but I don’t see them going anywhere even if they do make it.
Atlanta United FC (12th in East, 23rd overall)
I’ve watched Atlanta…man, probably six times this season, but two things stood out: 1) they never looked bad, not exactly, but 2) they also never looked like going anywhere. Granted, one watches a team dick around with the ball to no apparent end differently when you know they’re dropping points all over, but they also ended at or around a place that made sense. As much as anything else, this makes me wonder about the approach they’ll take to the next rebuild.
Nashville SC (13th in East, 25th overall)
There’s not much to say beyond it went to shit somewhere around the end of June and, as Matt Doyle pointed out in his wrap up their season, few teams went in on as hard on Plan A as Nashville, so when that dried up they had…? To that point, they rated among the most reliable playoff teams in MLS, which makes it hard to blame them for hanging on for...just...one...more – and they did add pieces here and there – but let’s just say the organization probably learned something from this one. What they learned bears watching.
New England Revolution (14th in East, 28th overall)
This season put a little hiccup into New England’s decade-long pattern of three years of success followed by three years of pain by making the 2023 playoffs, but they moved heaven and earth to erase that aberration this season. Caleb Porter’s reputation probably took one hell of a hit too. Anyone think that guy comes back? For what it’s worth, I liked and trusted this roster at the start of the season, which is something that should give you pause about not just the above, but everything I’ve written this season and that I will write going forward.
Chicago Fire FC (15th in East, 29th overall)
Is there anything do at this point besides send wet and dry care and/or condolences packages to any Fire fans that remain? San Jose still holds the title as the worst all-time team in MLS, but 2024 marks the seventh straight season Chicago has missed the playoffs. For anyone wondering whether it was better before that, no, no it wasn’t. They missed the playoffs in six of the previous eight seasons, a run that included picking up two back-to-back Wooden Spoons. In a league with rules to support parity, that goes beyond malpractice.
That’s it. Hope you enjoyed, hope it was informative. I’m going to try to do better with league-wide content in 2025. We’ll see what I do with this post-season. Till the next post…
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