A Proposal for League-Wide Coverage in 2025 & My Romantic Engagement with Every Team in MLS

Google "brides." Genuinely fascinating.

After more late-night deliberation than a proud man would confess to, I have arrived at a league-wide coverage model for 2025, Major League’s Soccer’s (alleged) 30th season. [Ed. – I think they just want a “big” anniversary before Messi fucks off to retirement.]

I hereby commit to following the Portland Timbers, as always (over hill, over dale, through rain, sleet, and snow, in a banana republic, or a constitutional one, forsaking none by my wife, vacations, and the occasional nap), but I hereby also recommit to FC Cincinnati (no, really this time; it’ll be different, baby!). Before anyone casts even the first whisper of aspersion, I renewed that vow before the (exciting!) domino effect dogpile of trades that ultimately sent Evander to Cincy.

I also hereby commit to watching a minimum of 60 minutes of all games involving any team that will play either Portland or Cincinnati the following MLS Match Day. That will allow me to share notes on not just what I saw in that game, but also how those teams have done in the weeks heading into the game before the most important game of their season, i.e., any game played against Portland and Cincinnati.

The posts featuring notes from the game(s) Cincy and the Timbers just played, plus (brief) notes on their opposition for the following week will go up on Sunday or Monday of every week.

I also hereby commit to watching a minimum of 45 minutes of two Featured Games every week. For the first 127 Match Days (yes, this is arbitrary), Featured Games shall involve only intra-Conference games – none of that inter-conference shit – and I will watch one game from each conference. I may stick with that \over the second half of the season, I may not; that's when the spirit takes the wheel.

Notes on those games, the teams involved and how they’ve looked in the weeks prior will top a pair of posts that will go up Wednesday evening and I’ll round those out with stray things I pick up from anything else I can get to between Sunday and Monday, plus whatever Matt Doyle (or his substitute analyst) churns out after the relevant Match Day (why do I feel like I should be capitalizing that?).

That’s the plan and, gods willing, the posts will be short and won’t take up too much of my time or yours. Regular programming will commence with Week 1. Between here and there, I plan on posting final preseason notes for the Portland Timbers – probably Sunday, after the Charlotte FC game (great freakin’ test) – and then an MLS Week 1 preview post that does nothing more complicated than flag the MLS Week 1 Match Day games that intrigue me most. Just to note it, the games I’m excited about going into any given Match Day will not necessarily be the Featured Matches for the following week.

For anyone wondering why I’m foregoing preseason notes on FC Cincinnati…I just don’t have the reps. Related, I plan on pose all observations about them in the form of a question over the first six to eight weeks of the season.

Imagining the whole thing. Fucker's in a simulation.

Getting back to the excitement, I wanted to close this post by framing MLS’s 2025 (and 30th!) season, if through a very specific lens: how excited I am about every team in the league, reduced to terms of romantic enthusiasm and explained in one or two sentences. This list is highly-personalized, obviously, but I’m guessing that my reasons for getting frothy about this or that will speak to certain universals – e.g., they’re the champs, their roster saw major turnover, waiting to see when Caleb Porter gets fired, etc. To be clear, excitement can be either positive OR negative (tell me your best relationships weren't your worst). And if you’re looking for deep-reasoning into what drives the choices, nah. In some cases, I won’t give you more than a single player’s name. Portland and Cincinnati won’t be included because they stir my loins in a way that no other teams can and I can’t see how that’s fair to everyone else. (It’s true, Cincy! It’s true! “Bigamy” is a made-up word. Like golf.)

I’ll close the closing by lumping the rest of the teams in the league into categories that explain why I’m waiting for them to show me a little fluff and a twirl before I’ll be moved to take an interest. And, why not? Each category will be named after some degree of romantic enthusiasm. Oh, and I listed the teams in the order in which they appear in the current Form Guide and, wow, said order makes no goddamn sense. The point is, don't read anything into the order, okay? With that, allons y a la….

My Heart’s a-Flutter
Columbus Crew SC
They come onto the field with excellent bones, but no head. No Cucho, no Ramirez. Could get wild.

Los Angeles Galaxy
They have enough players limpingly unavailable – Puig for most of the season, Paintsil for less, but still – so I’m curious as to whether they bled too much to keep running around.

Seattle Sounders
Always vaguely interested but the Ferreira signing is the smutty singing telegram I can’t refuse.

Atlanta United FC
They always swing big, but seeing Miguel Almiron sealed it. It'd be fun to see Atlanta rise.

[FC Cincinnati: I would have watched before Evander and Kevin Denkey, but…godDAMN, Cincy]

St. Louis CITY FC
Honestly, I’d so completely lost track of this team that St. Louis fans shamed me into being excited about them.

I Pick Up When They Call
Colorado Rapids
This one’s historical: in the seasons since 2010, the Rapids are literally 50/50 when it comes to regressing after a good season. And 2024 was good enough to be fine.

New England Revolution
I’m only half-joking about Porter (this is not my best trait), but the tension between their turnover and blowing up the roster could result in either joy or hilarity; mediocrity seems least likely.

FC Dallas
Lucho Acosta, feeding Musa, minding a nest of homegrowns with some veteran assistants. Could get messy…also, just learned about some dude named Ramiro Benetti and maybe he's the tits or something.

Philadelphia Union
Will almost certainly get weird, quite possibly like a party that goes on too long, but hope springs eternal.

Inter Miami CF
Pure hate-watching, if with nothing against the individual players.

Charlotte FC
This one’s simple: if Charlotte’s attack gets better, this team gets real. Defense is a rock (and should be again).

If It’s a Saturday, and the Phone’s Not Ringing
San Jose Earthquakes
I’d ignore their whole demo/rebuild if it weren’t for Bruce Arena. (And what did he say, dammit! I still don't know!!)

Vancouver Whitecaps
Think of whatever band everyone keeps telling you that just have to listen to. For whatever reasons, I feel like that’s been the ‘Caps since 2021.

Houston Dynamo FC
Curious why they went so hard after Jack McGlynn’s “wand of a left foot,” but they still strike me as a back-half of 2025 proposition.

Real Salt Lake
They moved Chicho Arango and…got younger and faster? Just seems risky for something that already felt precarious.

Austin FC
Despite some big signings (Vazquez…Myrto Uzuni? fwiw, I was heavy into Shkelzen Gashi), I don’t think they’ve done enough and I’m here for that, but only this far.

LEGEND!!!

A Red Rose. How Ordinary…
Red Bull New York
Expecting literally the same old shit and they’ll absolutely make the playoffs (but not MLS Cup)

Orlando City SC
They seem destined to be the entirely decent guy who shakes the winner’s hand on the way to the podium.

Minnesota United FC
Mid-table is the jam of the upper Midwest...yeah!

New York City FC
They’ll be good, but how is Maxi Moralez still going? (How is Diego Chara?)

Los Angeles FC
They’ll be good and everyone will continue to hate them. No point on checking till the fall, or when they play the Timbers (or Cincy).

Nashville SC
I was a little surprised at how bad they were in 2024, but am mildly curious about what Gaston Brugman and a full season of Tyler Boyd could build on top of a good defense.

Made My Tinder Profile Five Months Ago
Sporting Kansas City
Unless Aris Thessaloniki dealt them a pair of aces in Manu Garcia and Shapi Suleymanov, I don’t see how they improve and it has been several goddamn minutes for this bunch. They’ll need a run.

Chicago Fire FC
I get it, they’re trying. But being the Fire is like recovering from a heart attack. Pulling for ‘em, but…they’ll need a run. Like a 10-wins-over-the-first-half-of-the-season run.

DC United
I don’t even know what they’re doing at this point. Seriously. They’ll need a run.

Club du Foot Montreal
Again, unless Victor Loturi and Hennadii Synchuk flew under all the radars in Europe, and unless Giacomo Vrioni comes back as a consistent scorer, I don’t see how this team improves.

Toronto FC
I’m genuinely worried about Robin Fraser’s reputation, but not enough to watch (yet)

Because they remain an abstraction to me, one that may or may not exist within the person of Landon Donovan, San Diego FC was not included in the above.

Looking forward the season and/or distraction. Till the next one…