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| Sweep the leg. Every time. |
At any rate, the concept carries forward what I did with the most recent level set – i.e., comment vaguely about how well each of the teams in MLS presents at this point in the season – and the content is still heavily results driven. To steal a concept from the players we all cheer on, I think it’s best to take things one game at a time as opposed to checking boxes you’re not even sure will appear in two weeks’ time. Where the level set centers the notes on teams, this post centers on results. Well, some results. And maybe not one that relates to your team.
Not all results are interesting, a statement that becomes truer as the season rushes to its end. For me, that continues all the way to bitter end, aka, Decision Day – i.e., what does getting a certain semi-fortunate match up in the first round of the playoffs matter when you don’t trust your team to beat anyone else? That’s a personal problem, obviously. I am the Cobra Kai coach deep down…
Back to it, I’ve grouped all of Week 22’s results (because that’s where most team are) into three groups below, as I’ll do every week (or aspire to do every week). Those are as follows:
1) Nothing to See Here, aka, the result in question tracked with reasonable expectations.
2) Noteworthy, aka, not a wild result, but something about it, whether big picture or small, felt worth flagging.
3) Surprise, Surprise, Surprise, aka, did not see that coming, might even be bit shit.
For what it’s worth, I give MLS Week 22 between a 6.5 and a 7.0. I would have watched more highlights given the time, but, bluntly, that’s a lotta time and I go to bed, like, way earlier than I used to. “Surprise, Surprise, Surprise” applies just as easily to the latest tight spot in my body.
Hope that makes sense. If it doesn’t, I hope it makes sense as the post unfolds…
Nothing to See Here
[NOTE: You don’t get links here; these games don’t deserve links; apologies to your team, if noted]
Atlanta United FC 0-2 Charlotte FC
Inter Miami CF 7-1 Club du Foot Montreal
Toronto FC 1-1 New York City FC
Houston Dynamo FC 0-0 San Jose Earthquakes
Sporting Kansas City 0-3 Vancouver Whitecaps
Colorado Rapids 1-0 Real Salt Lake
I threw Atlanta an “attaboy” lifeline in the recent level set; the loss versus Charlotte strongly suggests they didn’t deserve it. Miami curb-stomping Montreal only reinforces two well-tested theories – e.g., Miami can run up the score against anyone (and presently lead MLS in goals scored) and Montreal has been perennially fucking awful since my kid was a toddler. Elsewhere, Toronto shares DC United consuming mediocrity and those teams’ ongoing relevance to the playoff race indicts the money-grubbing inclusivity of MLS’s playoff system. Small wonder they’re plotting to expand it. What else? Houston stumbled and San Jose staunched the bleeding a bit, but that tracks all right in both directions and Vancouver beat an SKC team that went terminal by April, and Colorado continues to pile up the one-goal wins at home and RSL looks like a great bet to set a new land speed record for driving in reverse.
To anyone who clicked through for more notes on those teams, may you have a better Week 23.
Noteworthy
Seattle Sounders 2-2 Chicago Fire
The best thing about this result for Seattle might have been Nouhou’s celebration on Dejan Joveljic first goal. Joveljic debuted (right?) with a smart brace, putting the Sounders in the lead twice, only to see Chicago tilt the field to a draw. The Fire’s interplay dazzled at times and, as someone who largely ignores European leagues, seeing the fuss around Robert Lewandowski manifested in real form finally moved me to feel the hype (and I liked it); repeatedly holding off two or three defenders while directing traffic and sneaking in the final equalizer, oh my, and so on. This was always going to be a tough one for Seattle, but their spin in the doom spiral continues.
DC United 0-0 Los Angeles FC
Couldn’t be bothered with the highlights in this one – i.e., DC drew for the 10th time (tied with Toronto, hence the dig above) – but LAFC’s now winless in five games, collecting just three points of the last 15 available. And they’ve played 23 games…
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| Indeed. |
I hereby encourage folks to watch the highlights of this wild goddamn game. Orlando goes up by two goals – with Antoine Griezmann good for a goal (watch that Justin Ellis fella, both here, and generally) and a pinch (held his run like the pro he is to score the second and the man tries shit constantly and pulls off plenty (Orlando’s first gives a good example)) – only for their defense to fall apart over three acts of the shortest play you’ve ever seen. Minnesota’s three goals over six minutes kicked them into the league and their fans to Valhalla I am calling! And of course Anthony Markanich bagged a header. A mere fifteen minutes later, Loons fans’ heads still buzzing, Tyrese Spicer gets played in behind Minnesota’s right, he drills a near-post goal over Drake Callendar’s shoulder and two (more) points float away from Minnesota. To put a spin on a popular question, if the Loons hated their fans, would the way they throw away points at home (at 2-3-6, holding steady) look any different? Orlando, meanwhile, keeps hanging around the lower middle of the East, like some stubborn sorta boyfriend who will neither commit nor go away. 9th feels about right for both teams.
Nashville SC 4-0 FC Cincinnati
I’d watch Nashville’s 1st goal and their fourth (freakin' clip cuts off half of it...) for a display of what they do well – e.g., stellar flank play through Andy Najar and Cristian Espinoza, and globally strong team mechanics – and could it be that Cincy suffers from having Samuel Gidi in defense (asking because I don’t know)? Still, I recommend against trusting the final score entirely because Cincy had great chances to equalize, then cut the lead in half, maybe equalize after that, maybe even take the lead. Opportunity spread inviting arms until Nashville put the game to bed with a set piece and the aforementioned fourth goal. Emergency defending protected the host’s lead and Brian Schwake cleaned up the rest. The result buries Cincy in the standings a bit (6th place), but I still expect them to hit the playoffs clean. Don’t think I’ve had the pleasure of watching Elias Saad yet, and I’m happy for the experience and the prompt to scan his resume. Nashville’s Shield bid looks strong, still not seeing a ceiling for them.
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| Lady Luck, apparently. |
LA looked like spectators until Jeppe Tverskov’s red card (50th minute), and looked like spectators again from Amahl Pellegrino’s reinsurance goal (70th minute) to the end of the game. In the Galaxy’s defense, they had a second equalizer called back for a foul by Chucky Lozano and Harbor (what?) Miller let a stretch of a pass from Andres Dreyer squeak through for above-mentioned reinsurance goal – i.e., a boost from Lady Luck (with an upper Midwest accent, for some reason) built up the win. Justice was probably done – the final stats definitely call it closer than the final score – so I’m only flagged this result as confirmation that San Diego has some juice and I’d recommend against drinking whatever LA’s holding.
St. Louis CITY FC 3-3 FC Dallas
Shak Moore clapped back with a pure striker's goal scored by Simon Becher, a goal that looked better than it was, honestly, but Becher continued the rally (largely in spirit) until St. Louis got ahead 3-1. The hosts looked like they had the party in hand and good for two more goals, only to crumble to a high-scoring draw over the final 10 minutes-plus. Not a lotta shots fired in this one, but both teams got good looks when they found them. The result feels more about Dallas than St. Louis to me: this makes for another solid result in the 4-3-3 record posted over a 10-game stretch on the road for them. They took some lumps (e.g., 0-5 at Vancouver) but otherwise played something close to 50/50 ball and against some tough teams. As for St. Louis, I see the outlines of a case that their late revival benefited from weak opposition. Just something for the file.
Columbus Crew 1-3 New England Revolution
Neither the result nor the final score actually surprised, but something about the latter hinted at something worth investigating. The investigation came back with Columbus got their asses kicked three ways, and I don’t think it’s more complicated than that. A search for signs of life from Columbus provided the hook, but a clinic by Carles Gil supplied the main feature. He killed off hope with a worldie of a goal, but the reads between him and Dor Turgeman (par example) looked just as smart, even when they were offside. The Revs remain solid if a bit reliant on a patsy (e.g., Atlanta, DC, now Columbus), but it just feels polite to call Columbus’ season dead at this point.
Surprise, Surprise, Surprise
Red Bull New York 1-3 Philadelphia Union
I like the look of Philly’s lineup, for one (balanced as a fine blade), and the highlights also speak to a team rising by ideas and momentum. As for Red Bull, they continue to bump against a ceiling of their own construction. I wasn’t sure whether or how much that young lineup would struggle, but some signs point a late season that has them fighting off all the teams below them – except maybe Montreal and Columbus – to stay in the playoff picture. I should probably look into what and how the Union figured themselves out, but this win provides further confirmation that they have. Oh, and I’m a Cavan Sullivan truther; he plays above his age bracket, no question, but his goal hardly deserved all caps. My underwear is unreal, man...
Portland Timbers 1-2 Austin FC
I have longer notes on this – full disclosure, they’re vague and grasping, but that speaks to where I am right now. Oh, and they may or may not swim in denial. As I saw it, the best defense would win the game and Austin literally walked with three because on that alone. The low wattage of the affairs feels like a yellow flag for the Timbers, fwiw.
Again, this was a test-run. I’ll need to shrink the longer review pool to five games going forward, but, fuck it, I had the time, still trying to get back into the swing of things where form is concerned across the league, especially with that becoming a central metric. What have you done for me lately, etc. The format feels good for me, and I hope it felt good for you. Got a cigarette, sailor?
Time to close on a wee scouter in re, aka, the Portland Timbers’ opponent at Providence Park next Saturday.
Minnesota United FC
7-7-8, 29 pts.; 22 GP; 30 gf, 32 ga (-2); home 2-3-6, away 5-4-2
Last 10 Results: LLDLDDDLWD (1-4-5)
Strength/Location of Schedule
v COL (0-1 L); @ NE (1-2 L); v RSL (1-1 D); @ SKC (1-2 L); v VAN (0-0 D); v SD (1-1 D); @ RSL (1-1 D); v ATL (1-2 L); @ SJ (5-1 W); v ORL (3-3 D)
If only the Timbers could play the Loons at home, amirite? One would think a team gets a worse overall record taking just four points from eighteen over six home games, but Minnesota likes the road better than most. Per the above, they owe their hold on the last rung in the West (9th place) to road form that would do any team proud. That’s the team the Timbers are getting.
Despite having some high production players – e.g., Kelvin Yeboah (11 goals, 1 assist) and Joaquin Pereyra (3 goals, 10 assists) and, of course, Anthony “The Forehead” Markanich on six goals and three – Minnesota carried its low-scoring tradition into 2026. What passes for floodgates in the Upper Midwest opened over the past two match days – those eight goals took them from 1.1 goals/game to 1.36 goals/game - but Orlando’s tied for the worst defense in MLS and San Jose’s having a moment of doubt, or several of them, so take that with a lick of salt given the low scoring games that have been Minnesota’s norm. Portland’s not the best defensively, of course - they’re closer to low-middle than bad or shaky – but Minnesota’s attack, broadly speaking, has a fair chance of meeting that in a Land Where Nothing Happens. Based on what I know about the Timbers and think about Minnesota, I’d call falling behind, whether early or ever, the worst thing that can happen to either team. A free-for-all, on the other hand, would both surprise and delight me.
Minnesota’s lineup has been pretty steady since the Leagues Cup: the same four players at the back (Markanich, Morris Duggan, Michael Boxall and Jefferson Diaz); most of the same players in and around the midfield (Owen Gene, Wil Trapp, Kyle Duncan, and Pereyra starting) left behind on the line and going wherever he likes. They’ve had Yeboah back for the past couple games and he’s one of those dynamic forwards – i.e., busy, strong, fast – but also straightforward, in that blunt instrument kind of way familiar to that trade; I don’t know much about Marcus Caldeira besides the fact he’s a supplemental player and has made good use of his 227 minutes in the first team. Bongo Hlongwane’s still out there, but he’s more bench player than starter lately and Tomas Chancalay floats off the same fringe, if with more early production early in the season.
On the defending side, I’d flag Pereyra as the biggest task to manage – i.e., his Swiss Army knife has couple blades and or bad versions of useful tools - and have Portland but either their best or two guys on Markanich for set pieces. Yeboah strikes me as the free radical – i.e., he’s both generallycapable, and capable of the rare moment of invention – and Duncan gives them good width, speed and control up Minnesota’s right. With Ariel Lassiter looking more and more like a one-man show on Portland’s right, I’m looking forward to seeing how Portland’s left can tip the balance against Minnesota’s right. The game and points could depend on it…
Portland’s hosting again, of course, and that’s to their advantage, even if Minnesota’s best on the road. The main thing I’m looking for is good energy, more “MY BALL” mentality than the Timbers showed against Austin. Badly as I’d like to see Cifuentes tinker with the starting XI, 11th place seems like neither the time nor the place. On top of that – quite probably more than that – I want to see signs that Cifuentes changed how this team functioned over the first half of 2025, and probably going back to 2025, maybe 2024. I feel like I’ve heard them beg for structure, but that could also just be me talking to myself.
We’ll see how it goes, Joes. Till Saturday…
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