Portland Timbers 5-4 Minnesota United FC: How's Your Heart?

It was that kinda night.

When Vincent Janssen scored the third of his historic goals, I went through all the reactions – e.g., doubting I still knew how to count to three, looking for an offside flag to descend from the Heavens because Such Things Cannot Be. Polling the people around me came next – “that’s three, right? that was that specific player’s third goal?” – and, upon confirmation, I took a minute to just breathe in the moment. It’s not every day that a snake bite heals itself, you know?

About five minutes later, it occurred to me that the Portland Timbers could somehow piss away the win and the air suddenly didn’t taste the same. Was that the sulfurous tang of the smoke bombs that celebrated Portland’s (then) fourth goal, or the smell of a flatulent imp come to spoil the evening? When Minnesota scored their fourth goal (oof) with a cushion of added time still available (and with more time still added due to the Loons’ goal celebration), I crossed myself in both the Catholic and Orthodox traditions. One can never be too sure, no?

Portland Timbers 5-4 Minnesota United FC
What Passes for a Match Report
One could argue the game belonged to Janssen from the jump: the opening minutes saw him lose control of his first three touches and the Timbers struggled, collectively, over that same period. That gave the Loons at least one clear chance to take an early lead, maybe two, before Portland found their feet - viva la slow starts, I guess – but they hit a steady trot before scoring their first (all of that's probably in here, maybe even in here). A little give-‘n’-go set it up, allowing Jimer Fory to step clean into Minnesota’s penalty box (the little fucker) and forced Drake Callender into a flop save and a rebound. Minnesota CB Morris Duggan made the mistake of going to ground, where his raised leg sent Cole Bassett tumbling over (it looked like Bassett fell over him in real time) and Janssen to the penalty spot. Janssen’s kicked it home and sent the game into a frenzy. Before the final whistle blew, that game delivered more twists than a primetime soap opera featuring amnesia, a possession, and three affairs and at least one mystery murder.

To return to the concept of disbelief, I checked on the final stats before taking a longer look at the game than I usually do. Where I expected to see 40 shots or more, I saw 27. Nothing about those numbers communicates anything worth knowing about last night’s game. Moreover, calling Ariel Lassiter’s bar-blistering rocket at the 20th minute an own goal by Callender, no matter how accurately, effectively ret-cons the magic of that moment as a blunder. As they used to say in the old movies, that ain’t jake, but the chaos of the result owed more to blunders than flashes of magic.

Fuck it. They look good.

Still, the Timbers’ third and fourth goals make an argument for giving them their flowers. Minnesota defended high all night, and sometimes well, and regardless of how the play ended, Portland deserves credit for playing out of that pressure. It took Fory and Jose Caicedo and David Da Costa keeping hold of the ball out of the left corner of their defensive third and finding the next safe pass with a Loon on their back (ah, what a mental image) to find daylight. Thanks to Da Costa continuing a diagonal run across the field, a dawn broke wide and bright behind the Loons’ left; Da Costa ran free into that sunny pasture and squared the ball to Janssen for what amounted to a tap-in. The Timbers didn’t have to work nearly so hard for their fourth, but Bassett deserves an ovation for the run across and into Minnesota’s backline, because that opened the seam for Lassiter to play an easy pass to Janssen, who crowned the play with a poised, two-step finish - and, of course, a hat trick. Glory, glory, etc., but the utter and absolute necessity of that goal requires a long, unblinking look in the mirror.

Portland was three goals up before the 30th minute – i.e., before that fourth goal. Had Velde’s follow-up bar-blistering rocket got the friendly bounce of Callendar’s butt and/or foot, they could have been up 4-0. What happened instead? Minnesota pulled one back through Marcus Caldeira when the speed of their transition got the better of Portland’s fire-drill defensive reset. They added another when a busy, but quiet Kelvin Yeboah caught Kamal Miller in two minds, picked the ball off his foot and played the ball back and across to - surprise, surprise - Anthony Markanich, who placed one in the corner pocket. (The first rule of playing Minnesota: always keep tabs on Markanich.) One more clusterfuck – and this one was total, absolute, involved a crowd, and ended with (mostly) Finn Surman blushing – left Caldeira all alone in front of the Timbers goal from 10-12 yards out. The man could have walked it in.

The Timbers’ fourth goal came over 35 minutes before Minnesota scored theirs – and, yes, Velde (whose night mirrored Yeboah’s a bit) scored Portland’s fifth goal in between them (nice enough goal, fwiw) – but damn, maybe even goddamn. The Timbers ultimately rose above the chaos, I had a gay ol’ time on top of a blast and with a side of elation, but a team that surrenders four goals in one game loses it nine times out of ten. On the other hand, and to be 100% clear, I’d rather be a Timbers fan this morning than a Loons’ fan: Portland’s goals followed from individual errors, no matter how boneheaded, while collective defensive errors caused Minnesota’s. Telling one dude to not do a dumb thing he already knows not to do is easier than getting five or dudes, or an entire defensive structure, reorganized. Which segues nicely to…

Nothing good down there, lads...

An Aside on Minnesota
Not comfortable at home (2-3-6?), their once-strong road form slipping away (5-5-2) looks great until you see they’re 1-3-1 over their past five), and their overall record over their past 10 games (1-4-5) dragging them into darker depths of the Western Conference standings, this is a team running out of positives. The final score turns the gripe about Portland’s night on its head – i.e., a team wins a game in which they score four goals nine times out of ten, so what the hell happened? Minnesota’s defense has allowed six goals fewer than the Timbers’ – that’s even after last night and allowing six goals in a March loss at Vancouver. Take those two results out of the mix and you get 26 goals allowed over 21 games, a defensive record to make any team proud. On the other side of the scale of aberrations, you get their one recent win, a 5-1 romp at a San Jose team falling at around the same rate. The sum of that, when multiplied (or whatever) against their recent record and divided by (or whatever) 11th in the West, yields a fairly clear theory of damning inconsistency. I rate a decent number of players on their roster – e.g., Joaquin Pereyra, Markanich, Kyle Duncan (dude’s fast), and I heard talk that Caleira’s having a strong start – so, for someone looking in from the outside, you’re left questioning the rest of it. Maybe Michael Boxall’s finally aging out (though they still look lost without him), maybe Duggan’s not up for it, Wil Trapp’s doesn’t bite hard enough in midfield, or maybe it’s just the way it fits or who puts it together. As noted above, whatever spooked their defense last night doesn’t look like the norm, but the season’s getting away from them regardless.

That wraps up the big picture. Let’s close this l’il fella out with…

Weird ass shit...

A Liquor Store Paper Bag’s Worth of Stray Thoughts
1) A Dutch Focal Point
Janssen busted a lotta ass out last night. Between offering a bulky, back-to-goal outlet for getting the ball out of Portland’s defensive third and into the opposition’s half and coming back (sometimes way back) to defend, Janssen delivered one hell of a debut start. If he can deliver even two-thirds of that every week and stay healthy, I call that one hell of a sleeper signing.

1a) Still Kinda Weird…Right?
It was probably inevitable that a basically random player would score Portland’s first-ever hat trick, but…it still feels weird. It feels good, of course, just…was that how the story was supposed to go? Going the other way, fuck it. If the man can make a home here for a couple years and keep scoring, I’ll feel fat and happy.

2) A Cunning Plan?
Just occurred to me that almost rhymes with "cunningham." Anyhoo, I keep seeing both Velde and Lassiter come way across from their regular wide(r) positions to provide another passing option inside when the ball gets around the defense – and I like it. Forcing defenders to pass on covering those runs seems tricky.

3) Velde v Diaz
Jefferson Diaz and Velde went at it all night and one sign of how much that got to Diaz showed up in that pretty clear swing he took at Velde after pulling him down in the second half. I suspect the distance between Diaz’s fist and Velde’s body was the only thing that saved him from a sending off and, as a rule, I think Velde gets in a lot of defenders’ heads and I like it. Part of me is happy Diaz stayed on, though, because the loud booing that rained down every time he so much as looked at the ball was funny.

4) Praise for Ari
I just respect the man’s game. No nonsense, minimal frills, plenty of effort. Lassiter puts in the work and delivers, often as not (or just often enough), so seeing him blast one in from a mile out just makes me happy for him.

5) A Thousand Points of Light
Touching back to the note on Janssen’s defensive work, a number of Portland players put enough similar moments to hold all three points for Portland – whether Finn Surman stepping in front of Yeboah to head the ball away, smart touches by Kamal, or Joao Ortiz cutting out a pass destined to play some Loon (again, love this bit) in on goal and carrying it away, the collective did just enough.

6) The MotM Undercards
I’m going with either Da Costa or Fory, and with a nod to Caicedo. Da Costa for holding things together going forward, Fory for his poise and big personality (no one celebrates other players’ goals as boisterously), and Caicedo looking better than he has of late.

That’s everything. I’m putting this one to bed by celebrating how much I enjoyed it and acknowledging that the Timbers can’t survive that much chaos week in-and-out. Fans sing about there being a party in Portland every night they play and that one officially registers as a rager. Till (freakin’) Wednesday.