No, I Think It's Really Happening This Time: Closing Shop, Cleaning Up

Lord, let this be the last one.

Yes, I've done this at least a half dozen times already.

Leaving the scene like James Brown, only way more embarrassing.

To make it formal...

This blog is hereby closed by the power vested in me by whatever authority that still remains in blogger's withered hands.

This site isn't what it was when it started. If I'm being honest, half the motivation came from giving me an excuse to get drunk and stoned and to just...riff.

I couldn't keep that going beyond my mid-50s, as it happens, and even that's not great.

To celebrate the closing of this space, I offer these ten thoughts on club/franchise soccer in these United States.

1) If you came to Major League Soccer any time after...let's go with 2008, you have no idea how bleak it was. The answer to the question of why all of us old timers continue to put up with all the bullshit MLS throws our way can be answered by the seasons between 1996 and 2008. 

2) Other old timers' opinions may vary, but Guillermo Barros Schelotto was the first player I saw come to MLS who made me see the market beyond the headlining names. Beckham coming in was massive, but it's the guys you never heard of that really transformed the league.

3) Don't believe the rumors about the earliest seasons. Everything about them, from the uniforms to the 35-yard shootout, was embarrassing. Felt like the XFL.

4) For me, MLS's golden years were its most internet dependent - i.e., the early-to-mid 2010s (probably?) when MLSSoccer.com's main page posted extended highlights and personality-driven interviews with players and features like Calen Carr's The Movement. The Apple contract replicated some of that, but it lost the community spirit of it. The thing that sucks most? I don't think they care.

5) The playoff format has always been dogshit, it will always be dogshit, accepting that it will always be dogshit will make you happier because it will always be dogshit.

6) I've kept this hidden for actual decades, but I do sincerely hope that a full national buildout of soccer teams and infrastructure ultimately leads to a promotion/relegation set up. That shit rules, full stop.

An asshole can have great moments.

7) Parity is a myth. MLS is more competitive than Europe's biggest leagues, or even the Scottish PL, but it is slipping toward an inevitable caste system. I don't know enough about the rest of the world to speak to it with expert insight, but big clubs/teams are in the biggest cities, regardless of country, and that will always give an advantage to the bigger markets. Fuck it. Take dead aim at the rich boys, and bring them down.

8) I've had soft spots for multiple MLS clubs for as long as the league has existed. Those include: Columbus (see above), Chicago (for all that pain after the early glory), New England (for all that pain), Colorado (plucky!), Houston (see Chicago), Dallas (swear they're the wellspring of MLS), RSL (as the first best team in CONCACAF), and, lately SKC (see Chicago). The timing of them joining MLS seems relevant.

9) I will always trust the eye test more than the quant stuff and results are king. x[anything] is nothing more or less than trying to explain why your prediction didn't pan out. To be clear, my predictions never pan out, whether about games or players. Related, always embrace people who admit they get things wrong. Counter-intuitive as it seems, they'll still get things right more often than the hard-headed.

10) Closing on my Portland Timbers feels both right and, despite some of what I'm about to say, good. Barring a massive explosion in population and a burst of interest that looks a lot different than the twee vibe of Portlandia (which, to be clear, I support/supported), Portland, Oregon will never be a destination for The Next Big Thing, never mind world-level elite players. We're a quiet town with a delightful fan base that - to pick at this one last time - deserves an ownership group that bonds with its most creative fans to build a team that matches the city at its best. (And that doesn't treat sex abuse scandals like the Vatican.) Think Green Bay Packers, think Union Berlin. That will mean more love than wins, but I also believe that more love will bring wins more often to this modest market. Bottom line, I think there's a best version of a team that meets the kind of fanbase that can carry Portland's reputation as Soccer City forward. The best thing I can hope for both team and city is that they find it.

Thus endeth the transmission.