San Jose Earthquakes 3-0 Portland Timbers: That Day the Team Showed Up…Stoned, I Guess?

A universe that bounds angels to the earth.

We all should have seen it coming as early as the 16th second (yes, second) when David Guzman skipped past a loose slow-roller at the top of the Portland Timbers’ defensive third, with prospects of a lethal counter on the horizon.

Look, it was bound to happen. Off days are inevitable, especially in a league like Major League Soccer, which seems to operate as if it exists in the Harrison Bergeron Universe. If a team comes out flat as the Portland Timbers did last Saturday, it loses, universe notwithstanding. Sure, off days happen, and I can’t see the Timbers coming out that flat any time soon – at least not unless they want to chuck the career (guys, don’t…changing jobs sucks) - but the outlines of something ominous lurks at the back of this one.

With so much to unpack, where to begin? Ah, I know! How about a jinx/prediction:

“With too many of San Jose’s new guys failing to pan out (Danny Hoesens), or not panning out enough (Tommy Thompson, Jahmir Hyka, and Marcos Urena), and Chris Wondolowski shooting blanks even on the rare occasions he can find the ball, the ‘Quakes feel like a one-goal-per-game team right now.”

That was me, by the way. Anyway, pull Tommy Thompson out of that equation and every other player in that sentence played to the direct opposite. Danny Hoesens got dangerous time and again – including when he kicked off the chaos that led to San Jose’s first goal – Jahmir Hyka scored (though, in honesty, he’s been all right), and Chris Wondolowski put some shine on his shooting boots before this one, because he bagged two quick-twitch classics (or just goals) in this game. Hell, even Marcos Urena shot well today – yeah, the same guy who’s limp-dicked his share of tries (not fronting there; for all the things I do competently on the field, absent a good wind-up, I’ve got a weak shot).

That's how one team beats another 3-0. Still, who knew it would be Florian Jungwirth, a defensive midfielder converted to central defender, apparently (if only according to the broadcast booth), who fed Wondo for both of his goals. And that’s where I flip the microscope to Portland’s side.

The Late Tackle 01 31 2017: A Baby-Step Victory and Betrayed by Achilles!

Harry Shipp’s next step?

Let the record show that I did watch the U.S. post that goal-less draw against the Serbian First Division All-Stars (or, just Serbia). The only thing I have to add beyond what’s already out there (yay, Darlington Nagbe! yah, Sebastian Lletget!) is the thought that the U.S. looked actually comfortable on the field for the first time in a while. If nothing else, sending players onto the field with some form of tactical direction marks the only departure from the Jurgen Klinsmann Era, I’ll call that enough of a win.

Let the record also show that I’m probably gonna miss U.S. v. Jamaica. Then again, who knows? Maybe work’ll be dead on Friday.

How a Situation Becomes a Crisis

With the whole Sebastian Blanco thing waiting for someone to tie on the bow, and with a linkable report to the Portland Timbers’ loss to Istra 1961 not yetup, the biggest news out of Timbers Land probably came with yesterday’s report that Gbenga Arokoyo, the possible/planned preferred partner (sorry, got on a roll) for Liam Ridgewell, has been downgraded to broken. The guy blew out his Achilles tendon, apparently, and, sad to say, his only contribution as a Timber that I will ever recall was providing what might have been an assist on Rennico Clarke’s own-goal in the preseason opener. Tough, tough break for Arokoyo, obviously, and you feel for the guy…all while pretty much thinking that he’s not a player to bank on for the future.

If, like me, you wanted to see the Timbers sign a central defender even before Arokoyo went down, this looks closer to a mountain than a molehill (a foothill?). Portland’s thin for personnel back there, and possibly (debatably) thinner in quality, so, in a word…goddammit. If Portland goes into the regular season with the current corps of defenders, I’ll start 2017 by protecting myself (e.g. tempering expectations).