Club de Foot Montreal 5-4 FC Cincinnati: ................You Gotta Be Fucking Kidding Me

Another weakness: terrible box office numbers...

When I saw who Club de Foot Montreal had avaiable in defense, I had a sense they’d struggle at the back. When I saw who FC Cincinnati started in defense, the stench of trouble wafted into my nostrils.

Even with all those tells, I don’t believe a single human being who thinks and exists could have called the final 5-4(!) win for Montreal. “Hows” gave way to “whys” gave way to “what the fucks”: there’s almost no point in asking what went wrong when it’s that close to everything. Montreal gave up goals through sleepwalking nonchalance - if with an assist from Cincy’s press - but Cincinnati gave out both shots and goals like candy. For as many times as one could argue Cincinnati got robbed on this or that play - and I count three - Montreal found a shot and missed it by inches as many times. About those three times:

1) yes, play should have been stopped on Montreal’s first goal because the ref impeded Joe Gyau;

2) Montreal’s dude (think it was Victor Wanyama) fell into Yuya Kubo and that could have easily been called; and

3) it probably would have helped Kenneth Vermeer’s case that Mason Toye took a dive had he not got a cut on his forehead that clearly signaled some form of contact…and he came out too hot.

I’ll get to five thoughts on FC Cincinnati - and I’m gonna squeeze all the happiness I can out of them - but to start with Montreal.

They play soccer the same way one wears an ill-fitting sweater in general, but Montreal surprised me yesterday. The midfield spine (Wanyama and Emanuel Maciel) labored more than I thought it would against Cincy’s, but the defense…I mean, sure, Cincinnati pressed but their play was casual to the point of outright nudity back there - e.g, this should never happen anywhere outside pee-wee soccer. Going the other way, Montreal clearly have some decent pieces - new kid Joaquin Torres looks like one to watch (or Cincy’s bumbles made him so) - but, after watching them for a second full 90 minutes in 2021, my main question is....that [gestures toward Montreal] fourth in the Eastern Conference again? I get that I’m seeing them at their worst - maybe orange and blue hits them the same way the color yellow hits the Green Lantern? - but they’ve looked just as ragged every time I’ve taken 15 minutes to watch them. I’m not expecting them to stay fourth, basically.

Atlanta United FC 2-0 FC Cincinnati: Scrap It for Parts (and even that's hard)

Yessir, it's been that kind of year.

I hadn’t planned on writing about this game, but I had an hour to kill between games yesterday, so what the hell? Also, I’m barely writing about FC Cincinnati’s 0-2 road loss to Atlanta United FC so much as I’m writing about the season as a whole and state of things generally. Which makes sense because what was last night’s game but a 90-minute microcosm of the season and state of things as a whole?

Cincinnati went down one goal early - and under the weight of…was that just three attacking players for Atlanta? - something that’s proved fatal nearly every time it’s happened. That’s just what happens for any team that’s scored just five goals in sixteen games. That’s right: Cincinnati’s attack hasn’t even arrived at a point where I can start to use actual numbers when I write about them - e.g., it’s “five” instead of “5,” or, God forbid, “16” or, dare I orgasm mid-preamble by typing “30”?

Atlanta scored again, Cincinnati never did, the end. Point to anything in the box score - e.g., the Orange and Blue’s lopsided edge in possession and passing accuracy, their stockpile of passes, the fact they held the edge in every available attacking category - and I’ll point to the scoreboard. Cincinnati’s attackers gave Brad Guzan a little work to do, but, to get all existential about it, I can’t remember the last time I tuned into an FC Cincinnati game without expecting unbelievable, unrelenting tragedy. It’s not whether they’ll fail, but how long we’ll have to wait for it to become the familiar, sickening combination of both obvious and final. Atlanta did all concerned a solid by scoring their second by the 26th minute (and tough night for Kendall Waston). Anyone clear on why Jaap Stam swapped out Nick Hagglund, when central defense was working better than most things?

The only question left open for me in 2020 - that’s to say, yes, I think that FC Cincinnati 2020’s team will go down as the shittiest attacking team in MLS history (they have to score four goals to avoid that fate) - is which players the team holds onto going forward. I’ll tick through tonight’s starters and subs below - and, to be clear, this is an entirely ruthless and mercenary exercise, done without regard to how much turnover any given team can withstand, or even the realities of any player’s existing and legally binding contract, e.g., if Cincinnati’s contractually-bound to keep that player around, it is what it is. With that, here’s who I’d keep and who’d I’d cut bait on listed in the order they appear in the box score (don’t read into the order, basically):