The rest of Major League Soccer catches up to the six teams who played for the Week 5 appetizer during the international break…though, of course, all six teams play again this weekend, so…
First, and at long last, enough season has passed to where the meaning of the matchups don’t rely so much on last year for that little certain something - though, obviously, not all games have that (see below). That doesn’t mean every team has entirely out-run last season’s demons, just because they’ve started all right (e.g., Chicago Fire FC and FC Dallas) or stopped borrowing off the benefit of the doubt from last year’s glory or their reputation (e.g., New York City FC, New England Revolution and Seattle Sounders), but we’ve definitely arrived at a place where two, three steps will carry in the same direction will carry them there.
That’s enough context. These previews are meant to be movie trailers - e.g., some cool explosions that foretell bigger ones in the finale, maybe a little thigh, and some guy (or just me) intoning those magical words…”in a world.” Only in this case, we’re living in a world where Chicago is third in the Eastern Conference while Austin FC hangs on a cliff-face at fourth in the West. One’s personal theory on how long those two teams, along with a couple others, can keep ahead of the usual favorites will become the story of the 2022 regular season. Now, on to the previews.
I lumped all Week 5’s games into three categories below (habits are hard to break, y’all), but we’ve reached another point in this young season: discussing games within those broad categories no longer works. As such, you get blurbs. Oh, and I know I tweeted something about writing stand-alone previews for FC Cincinnati and the Portland Timbers this week, but, nah, ain’t happening. You’re not going to believe this, but I’m toying with a change in approach, something I will not have to do if the MLS production program starts posting the MLS in 15 in sufficient quantities. My guess is they made them for the MLS Week 1, took a look at the viewing numbers, and saw that only one sad fucker in the suburbs of Portland seemed interested, so they abandoned them. At any rate, I’ll know by Sunday and, when I know, you’ll know.
OK, moving on. And the categories seem self-explanatory enough, so away we go!
Marquee Match-Ups
All those go up here because, 1) all the teams involved either made the 2021 playoffs, or look like they’re going places this season, and 2) I have no goddamn idea how each one will end.
Chicago Fire FC v FC Dallas
It took the 2022 layout of the (bless’d and holy) Form Guide for this one to catch my eye (i.e., they organize the teams in line with Supporters’ Shield standings), but both teams are over their respective playoff lines, both teams have new coaches, and both teams won their past two games, and both won their last against regular Western Conference powers (a struggling SKC for Chicago and a Portland team in March for Dallas). Chicago owns multiple edges - e.g., they’re one of five unbeaten teams, they’ve allowed just one goal, plus home-field for this one - but Dallas has played the tougher schedule and they have fewer absences (or potential ones; Rafael Czichos and Gaga Slonina show as questionable for Chicago; here's the injury list for the league as a whole). There’s probably some international crap knocking around, but either team could put a gold star to their good start with a win.
Columbus Crew SC v Nashville SC
I know, I know. Nashville has strung together three face-plants after a strong season opener, and surely Walker Zimmerman will be gassed what with the World Cup qualifiers and the jet-setting, plus there’s Dax McCarty’s missing due to some light assault, BUT, Nashville has looked lively in every glimpse I’ve gotten of them and, more to the point, they’ll be the biggest challenge Columbus has faced so far this season (their past four: v VAN, @ SJ, v TFC, @ RBNY). Columbus has done well at home (but note the opposition), but the margins haven’t been big since Week 1. They have enough advantages that the weight of earning three points falls on them…but my eye’s staying on Nashville can flip the script. Something else to keep in mind: they play just six road games over their back 17.
Minnesota United FC v Seattle Sounders
Yeah, Seattle only started well in the CCL, they’ve got at least one eye-catching absence (Raul Ruidiaz, but hasn’t he missed the CCL as well?), and they’re on the road, but the Sounders get rolling every season the same way the sun comes up (to lay my cards on the table, I’d trade three sunrises to see Seattle miss the playoffs just once). Here, I’m obliged to note that I underestimated Minnesota going into the season, and, yes, they’re another undefeated team, but it looks like submission-hold soccer from them - low-scoring draws and narrow wins, ones and zeroes all ‘round, like some awful goddamn computer code. Still, and for the same reason you don’t scribble in a “W” when you see Seattle on the schedule, a third win should boost Minnesota to the lofty level of early threat, if one that bores the opposition to death.
First, and at long last, enough season has passed to where the meaning of the matchups don’t rely so much on last year for that little certain something - though, obviously, not all games have that (see below). That doesn’t mean every team has entirely out-run last season’s demons, just because they’ve started all right (e.g., Chicago Fire FC and FC Dallas) or stopped borrowing off the benefit of the doubt from last year’s glory or their reputation (e.g., New York City FC, New England Revolution and Seattle Sounders), but we’ve definitely arrived at a place where two, three steps will carry in the same direction will carry them there.
That’s enough context. These previews are meant to be movie trailers - e.g., some cool explosions that foretell bigger ones in the finale, maybe a little thigh, and some guy (or just me) intoning those magical words…”in a world.” Only in this case, we’re living in a world where Chicago is third in the Eastern Conference while Austin FC hangs on a cliff-face at fourth in the West. One’s personal theory on how long those two teams, along with a couple others, can keep ahead of the usual favorites will become the story of the 2022 regular season. Now, on to the previews.
I lumped all Week 5’s games into three categories below (habits are hard to break, y’all), but we’ve reached another point in this young season: discussing games within those broad categories no longer works. As such, you get blurbs. Oh, and I know I tweeted something about writing stand-alone previews for FC Cincinnati and the Portland Timbers this week, but, nah, ain’t happening. You’re not going to believe this, but I’m toying with a change in approach, something I will not have to do if the MLS production program starts posting the MLS in 15 in sufficient quantities. My guess is they made them for the MLS Week 1, took a look at the viewing numbers, and saw that only one sad fucker in the suburbs of Portland seemed interested, so they abandoned them. At any rate, I’ll know by Sunday and, when I know, you’ll know.
OK, moving on. And the categories seem self-explanatory enough, so away we go!
Marquee Match-Ups
All those go up here because, 1) all the teams involved either made the 2021 playoffs, or look like they’re going places this season, and 2) I have no goddamn idea how each one will end.
Chicago Fire FC v FC Dallas
It took the 2022 layout of the (bless’d and holy) Form Guide for this one to catch my eye (i.e., they organize the teams in line with Supporters’ Shield standings), but both teams are over their respective playoff lines, both teams have new coaches, and both teams won their past two games, and both won their last against regular Western Conference powers (a struggling SKC for Chicago and a Portland team in March for Dallas). Chicago owns multiple edges - e.g., they’re one of five unbeaten teams, they’ve allowed just one goal, plus home-field for this one - but Dallas has played the tougher schedule and they have fewer absences (or potential ones; Rafael Czichos and Gaga Slonina show as questionable for Chicago; here's the injury list for the league as a whole). There’s probably some international crap knocking around, but either team could put a gold star to their good start with a win.
Columbus Crew SC v Nashville SC
I know, I know. Nashville has strung together three face-plants after a strong season opener, and surely Walker Zimmerman will be gassed what with the World Cup qualifiers and the jet-setting, plus there’s Dax McCarty’s missing due to some light assault, BUT, Nashville has looked lively in every glimpse I’ve gotten of them and, more to the point, they’ll be the biggest challenge Columbus has faced so far this season (their past four: v VAN, @ SJ, v TFC, @ RBNY). Columbus has done well at home (but note the opposition), but the margins haven’t been big since Week 1. They have enough advantages that the weight of earning three points falls on them…but my eye’s staying on Nashville can flip the script. Something else to keep in mind: they play just six road games over their back 17.
Minnesota United FC v Seattle Sounders
Yeah, Seattle only started well in the CCL, they’ve got at least one eye-catching absence (Raul Ruidiaz, but hasn’t he missed the CCL as well?), and they’re on the road, but the Sounders get rolling every season the same way the sun comes up (to lay my cards on the table, I’d trade three sunrises to see Seattle miss the playoffs just once). Here, I’m obliged to note that I underestimated Minnesota going into the season, and, yes, they’re another undefeated team, but it looks like submission-hold soccer from them - low-scoring draws and narrow wins, ones and zeroes all ‘round, like some awful goddamn computer code. Still, and for the same reason you don’t scribble in a “W” when you see Seattle on the schedule, a third win should boost Minnesota to the lofty level of early threat, if one that bores the opposition to death.
Colorado Rapids v Real Salt Lake
I had this penciled in as the big thriller of the weekend, then I saw RSL’s list of definitely missing (and is Justen Glad new to that list?) and started to wonder. Still, as an RSL fan reminded me, they’ve been playing short all season, and they still dragged 10 points out of some tough teams, and they looked plenty present in their first loss of 2022 (0-1 at SKC, last week). Against that, the Rapids at home is the Rapids at home, they’re healthy everywhere I can see, and they’re a quality team. Despite drawing at Houston in Week 4. RSL will give them enough hell to make this fun (they’re like fast zombies, people) and, if they win, 1) people should sit up and take notice, and 2) put some thought into how long a team win on will-power alone.
Portland Timbers v Los Angeles Galaxy
This game’s only up here because I can’t decide which team has the better shot at winning it. The Timbers have…not been good in 2022, not yet. Their only win came at home and against an Austin team I can’t bring myself to buy and they’ve looked, for lack of a better phrase, not ready for the regular season on offense, never mind primetime. They will, however, play at home, they’ve been reasonably resilient in defense (though not in Dallas), they’re rarely an easy out on the road. I don’t know much about the Galaxy, if I’m being candid, so I’m mostly keen to just get a clean look at them. With just two dudes showing as absent (fwiw, Jorge Villafana an Adam Saldana (I don’t know who that is)), Greg Vanney’s should have his Platonic line-up on hand. And this is, like, 80% me looking for an excuse to down-vote them. Also, and as much as I’d love to see Portland get out of second gear, the cards I’m staring at don’t look so good.
Proving Grounds
Here, regardless of where either team sits in the standings, one of them feels like a better bet to win than the other. And I’m watching some teams and/orresults more closely than others.
Toronto FC v New York City FC
A lingering CCL hangover for NYCFC is the only way I get myself to even 5:1 odds on a Toronto win in this one. NYCFC isn’t where they want to be, obviously - and when the heck Anton Tinnerholm’s Achilles tendon betray him? - but they’re a good team who’s had some time to catch their breath after pulling a couple weeks’ worth of doubles (i.e., the regular season and CCL), and they’re mostly whole. As such, my money’s on NYCFC, but, regardless of what happens, I’d still call a Toronto win more noteworthy than the corresponding NYCFC loss.
DC United v Atlanta United FC
I’ll keep this simple: I’ve taken to the idea that DC quietly sucks very loudly (no typo), I’m really only watching this to see what Atlanta can make of that theory. Yes, even on the road; I’m leaning into DC sucking that bad. Anything short of a win or a fighting draw will etch a red “X” onto Atlanta’s…half-mid-term(?) grades(?).
New England Revolution v Red Bull New York
The Revs could stand to get going - see notes on the Timbers, only I like New England’s chances better (even if the wee regression after losing Tajon adds up) - and that’s what I like most about this game: a win against the Red Bulls, even in New England, should be taken as an early hint that it’s time to mind the Revolution again - even more so if their three questionable absences (e.g., Turner, Kessler and Farrell) turn into actual absences). On the one hand, yes, the Red Bulls have strung together a weird string of results - in order, big wins on the road at San Jose and Toronto (big is the keyword), but also a home loss and home draw against Minnesota and Columbus, respectively - but, assuming they’ll be their usual, frenzied selves, they provide a good barometer for most teams. Also, a Red Bull win would be enough to make me start tracking their road results.
Orlando City SC v Los Angeles FC
For as much quality as I see in Orlando, I see nearly as much fragility and a little less punch. I’ve been able to watch Orlando twice, the most for any team besides Cincy and Portland, and, controlled as they are, it has a certain stiffness that recalls they way most kids drive for the first couple months after getting their license. That said, they had a good swing out West - and one can make a good case that Andres Perea screwed them out of two points in Portland - which makes me think that a win over LAFC, even in Orlando, should count as a positive sign. But doesn’t that point to the converse view, i.e., I’d put even money on LAFC to win this. [Disclaimer: The previous sentence should not be regarded as a formal wager and any and all attempts to present it as such are hereby disclaimed as null, void, and of neither force nor effect, so help me John Wayne, Mary Lou Reiten and John Holmes.]
Philadelphia Union v Charlotte FC
This one’s straightforward: everything points to a Philly win, which would make a Charlotte win something of a “holy shit” moment, i.e., as if Charlotte’s head coach was bluffing when he dismissed their chances in preseason. And I’ll give you 1:3 odds against another Karol Swiderski brace and that one’s a live bet. [Disclaimer - Again, not really.]
Vancouver Whitecaps FC v Sporting Kansas City
Vancouver might be…wait, no, and God bless Miami, they are not the worst team in MLS. But, golly, are they flopping around in the beach-scum along not just Miami, but also Montreal and San Jose. Which begs the question, why is this game up here and not in the category below? For all their walking wounded (and those lingering in the “Questionable” space, aka, where you think you’ve been bitten by a zombie, but does grazing count?), this is a game SKC should win. Anything less will be pissing away some allegedly easy points that they could use later. Against that, looking at Vancouver’s strength of schedule, I’d put them, at most, two points in the hole; didn’t help that they’ve played three of four away so far.
For the Locals
Games between teams that have to get a bunch of good/eye-catching results before any non-local has any real cause to give a damn.
FC Cincinnati v Club du Foot Montreal
Despite last weekend’s rib-buster of a loss, FC Cincy is this close to achieving interesting, at least in my mind…and, yes, my mind might crave confirmation bias like a pregnant lady, but I also like to think me placing this game down here shows a certain kind of restraint. If I had to point to a bright spot about Cincy’s loss last week at Charlotte, it’s that most the people who watched that game seem to have two opinions about it. To give the short version, no one I’ve seen or follow on twitter has sunk into despair…but that’s also a big part of the trick. In the three games after they host Montreal, FC Cincinnati plays Seattle away, Atlanta away and LAFC at home. And that’s the question here: do those three games make hosting a Montreal team that’s doing the equivalent of licking quarters a must-win game? And that brings me to the rub: Montreal have looked good in every game they’ve lost. Even if I can’t tell how deep, that’s a bad sign for a Cincinnati team about to step into a tough stretch of games. Both my head and my heart say Cincy can win this. And, if Pat Noonan pulls out three points in this one, I hereby pledge (and this one’s binding) to shop around for and buy a Pat Noonan New England-era jersey. And if I can’t find one, but someone else can, I’ll buy any shirt I can’t find on my own for…$40. For the record, that price will go up if I find it on my own, but only so high.
San Jose Earthquakes v Austin FC
San Jose has neither had it easy so far, nor have they walked the tough road laid before them on sturdy knees. And even if they’re the best of a bad bunch, they still rate among the four-worst teams in MLS and their one and only happy memory came with fighting back to a 3-3 draw at home against Columbus. Both teams need the win to hold on to some form a present relevance, if from very different places in the table. That said, if San Jose can’t beat Austin, even now…well, who does that leave for them? They have some knocks, but, full disclosure, I think most of the things that are wrong with this team file under structural.
Inter Miami CF v Houston Dynamo
I think the only thing any neutral should look for in here is a Houston win. That level of difficulty can loosely translate as progress for them, but holding serve (aka, 0-0, or any draw) wouldn’t suck either. I think Miami operates in a space where it’ll take 4-5 wins in reasonable succession for anyone to take them seriously, and deservedly so.
And that’s how I see it. All of it. We’ll see how the results shake out.
I had this penciled in as the big thriller of the weekend, then I saw RSL’s list of definitely missing (and is Justen Glad new to that list?) and started to wonder. Still, as an RSL fan reminded me, they’ve been playing short all season, and they still dragged 10 points out of some tough teams, and they looked plenty present in their first loss of 2022 (0-1 at SKC, last week). Against that, the Rapids at home is the Rapids at home, they’re healthy everywhere I can see, and they’re a quality team. Despite drawing at Houston in Week 4. RSL will give them enough hell to make this fun (they’re like fast zombies, people) and, if they win, 1) people should sit up and take notice, and 2) put some thought into how long a team win on will-power alone.
Portland Timbers v Los Angeles Galaxy
This game’s only up here because I can’t decide which team has the better shot at winning it. The Timbers have…not been good in 2022, not yet. Their only win came at home and against an Austin team I can’t bring myself to buy and they’ve looked, for lack of a better phrase, not ready for the regular season on offense, never mind primetime. They will, however, play at home, they’ve been reasonably resilient in defense (though not in Dallas), they’re rarely an easy out on the road. I don’t know much about the Galaxy, if I’m being candid, so I’m mostly keen to just get a clean look at them. With just two dudes showing as absent (fwiw, Jorge Villafana an Adam Saldana (I don’t know who that is)), Greg Vanney’s should have his Platonic line-up on hand. And this is, like, 80% me looking for an excuse to down-vote them. Also, and as much as I’d love to see Portland get out of second gear, the cards I’m staring at don’t look so good.
Proving Grounds
Here, regardless of where either team sits in the standings, one of them feels like a better bet to win than the other. And I’m watching some teams and/orresults more closely than others.
Toronto FC v New York City FC
A lingering CCL hangover for NYCFC is the only way I get myself to even 5:1 odds on a Toronto win in this one. NYCFC isn’t where they want to be, obviously - and when the heck Anton Tinnerholm’s Achilles tendon betray him? - but they’re a good team who’s had some time to catch their breath after pulling a couple weeks’ worth of doubles (i.e., the regular season and CCL), and they’re mostly whole. As such, my money’s on NYCFC, but, regardless of what happens, I’d still call a Toronto win more noteworthy than the corresponding NYCFC loss.
DC United v Atlanta United FC
I’ll keep this simple: I’ve taken to the idea that DC quietly sucks very loudly (no typo), I’m really only watching this to see what Atlanta can make of that theory. Yes, even on the road; I’m leaning into DC sucking that bad. Anything short of a win or a fighting draw will etch a red “X” onto Atlanta’s…half-mid-term(?) grades(?).
New England Revolution v Red Bull New York
The Revs could stand to get going - see notes on the Timbers, only I like New England’s chances better (even if the wee regression after losing Tajon adds up) - and that’s what I like most about this game: a win against the Red Bulls, even in New England, should be taken as an early hint that it’s time to mind the Revolution again - even more so if their three questionable absences (e.g., Turner, Kessler and Farrell) turn into actual absences). On the one hand, yes, the Red Bulls have strung together a weird string of results - in order, big wins on the road at San Jose and Toronto (big is the keyword), but also a home loss and home draw against Minnesota and Columbus, respectively - but, assuming they’ll be their usual, frenzied selves, they provide a good barometer for most teams. Also, a Red Bull win would be enough to make me start tracking their road results.
Orlando City SC v Los Angeles FC
For as much quality as I see in Orlando, I see nearly as much fragility and a little less punch. I’ve been able to watch Orlando twice, the most for any team besides Cincy and Portland, and, controlled as they are, it has a certain stiffness that recalls they way most kids drive for the first couple months after getting their license. That said, they had a good swing out West - and one can make a good case that Andres Perea screwed them out of two points in Portland - which makes me think that a win over LAFC, even in Orlando, should count as a positive sign. But doesn’t that point to the converse view, i.e., I’d put even money on LAFC to win this. [Disclaimer: The previous sentence should not be regarded as a formal wager and any and all attempts to present it as such are hereby disclaimed as null, void, and of neither force nor effect, so help me John Wayne, Mary Lou Reiten and John Holmes.]
Philadelphia Union v Charlotte FC
This one’s straightforward: everything points to a Philly win, which would make a Charlotte win something of a “holy shit” moment, i.e., as if Charlotte’s head coach was bluffing when he dismissed their chances in preseason. And I’ll give you 1:3 odds against another Karol Swiderski brace and that one’s a live bet. [Disclaimer - Again, not really.]
Vancouver Whitecaps FC v Sporting Kansas City
Vancouver might be…wait, no, and God bless Miami, they are not the worst team in MLS. But, golly, are they flopping around in the beach-scum along not just Miami, but also Montreal and San Jose. Which begs the question, why is this game up here and not in the category below? For all their walking wounded (and those lingering in the “Questionable” space, aka, where you think you’ve been bitten by a zombie, but does grazing count?), this is a game SKC should win. Anything less will be pissing away some allegedly easy points that they could use later. Against that, looking at Vancouver’s strength of schedule, I’d put them, at most, two points in the hole; didn’t help that they’ve played three of four away so far.
For the Locals
Games between teams that have to get a bunch of good/eye-catching results before any non-local has any real cause to give a damn.
FC Cincinnati v Club du Foot Montreal
Despite last weekend’s rib-buster of a loss, FC Cincy is this close to achieving interesting, at least in my mind…and, yes, my mind might crave confirmation bias like a pregnant lady, but I also like to think me placing this game down here shows a certain kind of restraint. If I had to point to a bright spot about Cincy’s loss last week at Charlotte, it’s that most the people who watched that game seem to have two opinions about it. To give the short version, no one I’ve seen or follow on twitter has sunk into despair…but that’s also a big part of the trick. In the three games after they host Montreal, FC Cincinnati plays Seattle away, Atlanta away and LAFC at home. And that’s the question here: do those three games make hosting a Montreal team that’s doing the equivalent of licking quarters a must-win game? And that brings me to the rub: Montreal have looked good in every game they’ve lost. Even if I can’t tell how deep, that’s a bad sign for a Cincinnati team about to step into a tough stretch of games. Both my head and my heart say Cincy can win this. And, if Pat Noonan pulls out three points in this one, I hereby pledge (and this one’s binding) to shop around for and buy a Pat Noonan New England-era jersey. And if I can’t find one, but someone else can, I’ll buy any shirt I can’t find on my own for…$40. For the record, that price will go up if I find it on my own, but only so high.
San Jose Earthquakes v Austin FC
San Jose has neither had it easy so far, nor have they walked the tough road laid before them on sturdy knees. And even if they’re the best of a bad bunch, they still rate among the four-worst teams in MLS and their one and only happy memory came with fighting back to a 3-3 draw at home against Columbus. Both teams need the win to hold on to some form a present relevance, if from very different places in the table. That said, if San Jose can’t beat Austin, even now…well, who does that leave for them? They have some knocks, but, full disclosure, I think most of the things that are wrong with this team file under structural.
Inter Miami CF v Houston Dynamo
I think the only thing any neutral should look for in here is a Houston win. That level of difficulty can loosely translate as progress for them, but holding serve (aka, 0-0, or any draw) wouldn’t suck either. I think Miami operates in a space where it’ll take 4-5 wins in reasonable succession for anyone to take them seriously, and deservedly so.
And that’s how I see it. All of it. We’ll see how the results shake out.
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