MLS Post-Week 5 Level Set. Because the International Break

Not pictured, always, the drummer.

I like the rhythm of the regular season (and the falling rain), enough to spend last weekend dipping into AppleTV for games that weren't there. Five matchdays represents a blip, of course, particularly early in the season, but patterns had started to show, I’d started to mold those patterns into the misshapen golems that pass for coherent thoughts, then – POW! - the international break arrives like a thunderclap (newman), leaving me with a headful of half-shapen golem-thoughts. And time on my hands. Which leads to the introduction of the monster lurking below.

The format is really straightforward: every team in Major League Soccer is listed below, in the order of the current place in each conference’s standings (starting with the Eastern as the sun rises over our fair, yet fouled land); each entry includes the basic stats for the teams, lists the teams they’ve played and where, and concludes with notes about their season so far and the players on the team. For the latter, I landed on “Players Who Excite Me” for a subheader only to treat each of those entries as an invitation to stare at the roster and just free-form. Add a couple puffs and a couple cocktails and you get...that. Attacking players dominate, but I'm not sure why anyone would expect anything different. Forwards are the lead singers of soccer, midfielders are the lead guitarists and/or the kinds of bassists that play melodies, and defenders are always, inevitably, the weird drummers that the groupies, and me, pass over. It’s not that we don’t care; it’s just that being at your best kinda means being invisible.

That’s it for the preamble. I think the format is self-evident, but what to do I know? Call this my marker for the time between Week 6 and whenever MLS shuts down for the World Cup. Lesdothis.

EASTERN CONFERENCE
1) Nashville SC
4-0-1, 13 pts., 5 GP; 13 gf, 2 ga (+6); home 3-0-0, away 1-0-1
Past Results: WDWWW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v NE (4-1 W); @ FCD (0-0 D); v MIN (3-1 W); @ CLB (1-0 W); v ORL (5-0 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Wow.
Notes
Not the toughest schedule under the circumstances (obviously), but standing up for the rest of the league by kicking the Pink Glamour Boys (Miami) out of the biggest international club tournament in the region will always get a whoop(!) and snapping fingers out of me. Helluva start, but sterner test and improving teams await
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Swiping Cristian Espinoza from San Jose looks better each week, here’s to hoping Sam Surridge’s success in MLS convinces more EPL-adjacent players to come here in search of their second chance, but because I’m a big engine room guy and a fan of second acts, both Eddi Tagseth and Andy Najar (respectively) get a shout…and, gods help me, I’m old enough to remember Najar’s debut season…

2) New York City FC
3-1-1, 10 pts.; 5 GP; 13 gf, 6 ga (+7); home 2-1-0, away 1-0-1
Past Results: DWWWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ LAG (1-1 D); @ PHI (2-1 W); v ORL (5-0 W); v COL (3-1 W); v MIA (2-3 L)
In a Word/Phrase: Perennials (i.e., they keep coming back like new every season)
Notes
That schedule looked like running wind-sprints inside a crucible going into First Kick, but early 2026 has been full of shocking starts. Credit to NYCFC for its contribution to that (see, wins at Philly, romp over Orlando), but putting a pin in that home loss versus Miami seems wise. Also of note, they built that record (and goals for stat) without Alonso Martinez. So, good, solid bunch, expect they’ll make the quarterfinals again.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Much as I do for Diego Chara, I thrill at the thought of Maxi Moralez’s timeless career, but the players that get me to tune into this team* include Martinez, Hannes Wolf, and Keaton Parks. Somewhat related, it seems like they order a fresh batch of young and (for lack of a better metaphor) off-Broadway attacking players – e.g., Agustin Ojeda?(?) - every season, which obliges me to get up to speed. Another team I probably need to look at more.

Still not sexy, even with her next to it.

3) Inter Miami CF
3-1-1, 10 pts., 5 GP; 9 gf, 8 ga (+1); home 0-0-0, away 3-1-1
Past Results: LWWDW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ LAFC (2-3 L); @ ORL (4-2 W); @ DC (2-1 W); @ CLT (0-0 D); @ NYC (3-2 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Scion (i.e., simultaneously fortunate and indulged)
Notes
Like Nashville and NYCFC above them, Miami’s results have defined the early shape of the East – i.e., beating last season’s best makes them this season’s best. Nashville ending their CONCACAF Champions’ Cup (“CCC”) run frees them to focus on league play and I’m anxious to see what they do with it in both senses of the word. Perhaps also relevant: I almost never watch this team; I just assume they’ll be good and that I’ll see them later
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Rodrigo De Paul looks like he thinks he’s a model in his bio pic, and that’s probably not unreasonable, but I'm curious about what he can ultimately do. Back to important stuff, I don’t know how one can’t be impressed by Messi’s ongoing production – especially when it’s just him doing a full-width version of a give-and-go – but the most impressive thing about Miami for me is how much production they get out of young South American players I’ve barely heard of – e.g., Telasco Segova and Tadeo Allende. Intrigued to see what they get out of German Berterame, stunned to see they give Luis Suarez another season, don’t bite me, bro.

4) Charlotte FC
2-1-2, 8 pts.; 5 GP; 10 gf, 6 ga (+4); home 2-0-1, away 0-1-1
Past Results: DLWDW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ STL (1-1 D); @ LAG (0-3 L); v ATX (3-1 W); v MIA (0-0 D); v RBNY (6-1 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Chrysalis (i.e., I think they’re working to be something else)
Notes
While they’re not exactly flying, my inclinations lean toward taking the loss at the Galaxy as a fluke – and I say that whilst underrating the Week 5 blowout over Red Bull. I expect they’ll be sturdy again, but I think they’re aiming for something closer to spectacular.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I have a loose theory that Ashley Westwood’s their most important player, but, with apologies to Wilfried Zaha (never let go of those socials, my man; that shit’s gold), Pep Biel seems like the guy that makes them win. Idan Tolkomati looks smart and capable across a couple skill sets, but there’s also this Luca de la Torre fixation knocking around in my head that makes me think he might be my real dad or something deep like that.

5) Chicago Fire FC
2-2-1, 7 pts., 5 GP; 7 gf, 5 ga (+2); home 1-1-0, away 1-1-1
Past Results: LWDLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ HOU (1-2 L); v MTL (3-0 W); @ CLB (0-0 D); v DC (1-2 L); @ PHI (2-1 W)
In a Word/Phrase: I thought things were going worse, but what is that but a compliment?
Notes
The good news: the Fire are (literally) in (a four-way tie) for fifth in the East, something that would look more like a reward for all the ambition they’ve shown with signings over the past two, three seasons. The thing I can’t unsee: both wins came against bad teams and they lost to DC at home. That makes their hold on 5th-place look shakier than a pile of young’uns chasing after a well-oiled pig. Still, congrats on the groundbreaking, guys!
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Philip Zinckernagel looks as good as any No. 10-adjacent player in the league (get well soon, bud!) and Hugo Cuypers earns that big paycheck every week…and yet, a mere seven goals scored? I’ll go to my grave believing Robin Lod makes any team better, Andrew Gutman’s as good as fullbacks come in this league (weird bio pic, buddy), and Alan Saletros has my attention, but…yeah, I don’t get how Chicago has continues to teeter on the edge of permanent precarity and can only attribute it to a literally chronic case of the yips.

 

More like "Nathan Rulz"

6) DC United
2-2-1, 7 pts., 5 GP; 4 gf, 4 ga (0); home 1-1-0, away 1-1-1
Last 10 Results: WLLWD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v PHI (1-0 W); @ ATX (0-1 L); v MIA (1-2 L); @ CHI (2-1 W); @ ATL (0-0 D)
In a Word/Phrase: Sixth, yet somehow still barely relevant
Notes
Looking at the roster and drawing more blanks than recollections tells me that I need to spend more time on this team. They started well enough – wins at Chicago and versus Philly carry forward the argument about Eastern teams changing their own fate early – but 1) their hold on 6th sits in the middle of the same four-way tie Chicago’s tangled in, and 2) unlike Chicago, I don’t see players on their roster that tell me they’ll rise higher.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster; oof, still the old school layout, not the yearbook-style one)
I say that with respect for Tai Baribo, who just keeps going (if in the context of a team that has scored just four goals so far). Their big off-season signing, Romanian forward Louis Munteanu, has a total of 62 minutes under his belt and maybe he makes them a spot or three better when he fully comes online, but I haven’t got a big “vision” vibe of DC for some seasons now.

7) Toronto FC
2-2-1, 7 pts., 5 GP; 6 gf, 8 ga (-2); home 1-0-1, away 1-2-0
Past Results: LLWDW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ FCD (2-3 L); @ VAN (3-0 L); @ CIN (1-0 W); v RBNY (1-1 D); v CLB (2-1 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Caught in mid-montage (think Rocky III, getting back to basics for the rematch)
Notes
Off to a rocky start for reasons that seem obvious when you look at the early schedule, Toronto has found a way to right the ship and get sailing toward brighter sunsets. They’re another member in that four-way tie for 5th, but I feel more inclined to trust their trend-line for now.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I like a lot of the TFC/Robin Fraser brain-trust moves, or at least I get the theory, including Daniel Salloi (needed a change of scenery), Jose Cifuentes (formerly and effectively of LAFC) and, late last season, Djordje Mihailovic. All those strike me less as an ambitious rebuild – I don’t even see the signing Walker Zimmerman in that light – than a team going back to the basics after some mistaken adventure abroad that gave them cooties and left them smelling like vaping gas-station devices (e.g., Lorenzo Insigne and Federico Bernardeschi).

8) Red Bull New York
2-2-1, 7 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 11 ga (-6); home 1-1-0, away 1-1-1
Past Results: WWLDL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ ORL (2-1 W); v NE (1-0 W); v MTL (0-3 L); @ TFC (1-1 D); @ CLT (1-6 L)
In a Word/Phrase: The New Median
Notes
The final team in that four-way 5th place tie and another team that looks doomed to a mud-wrestling catfight to season’s end. Those last three results look GRIM, even in the context of the three teams above them. If ever there was a team/system capable of pulling out of the spin…
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I’m in for the Adri Mehmeti youth experiment, especially with Emil Forsberg as the crusty old vet trying to drag a team of knee-highs to glory, but I will never not be fascinated by Cade Cowell as an ongoing experiment into how much a team can get out of impressive raw athleticism and something perilously close to the skill-set I had in my indoor-soccer prime (low, low fucking bar). All in all, though, Red Bull feels like a top-flight farm team so far this season.

Looks like a belly button. Neat!

9) FC Cincinnati
2-3-0, 6 pts., 5 GP; 7 gf, 11 ga (-4); home 2-1-0, away 0-2-0
Past Results: WLLLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v ATL (2-0 W); @ MIN (0-1 L); v TFC (0-1 L); @ NE (1-6 L); v MTL (4-3 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Off, perhaps fatally
Notes
Even if one takes the death spiral at New England out of the mix, the secondary returns on the very spendy attacking rebuild rate as middling, even poor, at least based on the early returns from 2026. I have wondered in past posts whether Pat Noonan has lost the locker room, but seeing that team rescue the win versus Montreal makes me think they still have some fight left, whatever it amounts to.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I have elaborate theories on what Evander’s personal/on-field gravity does for a team (the metaphor bears a distant, loose relation to a black hole), but he’s undeniably good/talented, much like Kevin Denkey. Ender Echenique’s fun, but I think they need to get some/more of Obinna Nwobodo, or his equivalent, 100% back on the field before they’ll get back to their best…though the fact the once-dominant defense has fallen into one of those eternal transition periods hit sports teams like a seasonal flu might be the greater concern.

10) Atlanta United FC
1-3-1, 4 pts., 5 GP, 5 gf, 8 ga (-3); home 1-1-1, away 0-2-0
Past Results: LLLWD
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ CIN (0-2 L); @ SJ (0-3 L); v RSL (2-3 L); v PHI (3-1 W); v DC (0-0 D)
In a Word/Phrase: Dysfunctional
Notes
The defense is okay! Sadly, that only begs the question of what’s frying the collective mind and capability of, as with Cincy above, a very expensive, yet still underproducing attacking unit. The defensive issues have tightened up, but how much of that followed from lesser opposition? The attack has shown few signs of improvement, so most of Atlanta’s hopes of staying afloat while that bunch sorts its shit out hangs on the past couple weeks being a new normal for the defense.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Fans got a reminder of what peak Almiron can do and this may be Alexey Miranchuk’s best start to a season (2026 is his second full season), but Atlanta’s front office either burned money on overrated talent, or they have yet to hire someone who can get the best out of the talent it has. This team could be a sleeping giant, but most signs point to that giant snoring on for the foreseeable minute.

11) New England Revolution
1-3-0, 3 pts., 34 GP; 8 gf, 9 ga (-1); home 1-0-0, away 0-3-0
Past Results: LLWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ NSH (1-4 L); @ RBNY (0-1 L); v CIN (6-1 W); @ STL (1-3 L)
In a Word/Phrase: A Man Alone
Notes
Maybe home will treat the Revs as well as it did that one night (at band camp) when they rolled over Cincy. They’ve played on the road a lot, which is always a challenge, and the first two road losses don’t look so bad and that loss at St. Louis looked closer than the final score. And yet. I can name a half dozen players on this roster that I rate and they show at or around every position on the field…so why does every week still feel like Carles Gil trying to squeeze as much as he can out of a rag-tag team of rag-tag players?
Players Who Excite Me (Roster; seriously, noticing a pattern of teams who haven't gone full yearbook)
Even if a lack of veteran presence hardly feels like a (or the) problem, I like Diego Fagundez coming in and Gil has ranked toward the top of the league for years now. As noted above, I’ve seen good moments from most of the players on this team and just making average still feels like a reach.

12) Club du Foot Montreal
1-4-0, 3 pts., 5 GP; 7 gf, 14 ga (-7); home 0-0-0, away 1-4-0
Past Results: LLWLL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ SD (0-5 L); @ CHI (0-3 L); @ RBNY (3-0 W); @ ORL (1-2 L); @ CIN (3-4 L)
In a Word/Phrase: <Gallic shrug>.
Notes
Thank gods for Orlando, amirite(?), because Montreal would have the league’s worst defense without them and a louder shout for league’s worst. I appreciate that they’re riding out the thaw of the Quebec winter, good on them for beating Red Bull in New Jersey, and good comedy to boot, but Montreal has barely mattered since 2017 and few MLS teams have put less effort into getting better than they have.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster...okay, maybe the pattern isn't exact)
I know most of the guys on this roster and, as a fan of thriving second acts, I wish them all incredible success in their future endeavors.

13) Orlando City SC
1-4-0, 3 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 17 ga (-12); home 1-2-0, away 0-2-0
Past Results: LLLWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v RBNY (1-2 L); v MIA (2-4 L); @ NYC (0-5 L); v MTL (2-1 W); @ NSH (0-5 L)
In a Word/Phrase: WTSF (aka, “what the serious fuck”)
Notes
Take a bow Montreal, for being the only team to make Orlando look anything like competent in this Year of our Lord 2026. 14 goals allowed over three games. 14. Keeping ahead of that requires the speed of a cheetah and the endurance of a wolf. A Wolfcheetah. Or a Cheetahwolf. Neither of those are real.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I saw Nolan Miller get twisted into a fucking pretzel and get dipped in some horrific sauce that will rip a multiverse’s worth of holes in your stomach at Nashville, but there’s no way he’s the only problem. (If he is, that just makes him exciting!). The simple fact Orlando had some of the most vibrating attacking talent in MLS last season – e.g., Martin Ojeda and Marco Pasalic – tells me something’s off. And adding Griffin Dorsey should (and, based on what I’ve seen, has) made them better. I’ve seen and heard people place all Orlando’s ills on a young defense, but also just five goals scored.

Note: She then lost it.

14) Columbus Crew SC
0-3-2, 2 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 8 ga (-3); home 0-1-1, away 0-2-1
Past Results: LDDLL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ POR (2-3 L); @ SKC (2-2 D); v CHI (0-0 D); v NSH (0-1 L); @ TFC (1-2 L)
In a Word/Phrase: How Stella Lost Her Groove
Notes
That wasn’t a tough schedule going into First Kick and it didn’t prove to be one after it happened and that’s probably a fair read on the state of MLS’s longtime-best between the coasts and/or the sheets. They punched some goals out of the loose slots that are Portland and SKC, but things dried up from there. To the point of having no wins all season.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Dylan Chambost looks like he smells something on your shoe in that pic (and does Hugo Picard see existential dread over the photographer’s shoulder?). Moving on, this roster has more talent than goals, which begs questions like 1) is Henrik Rydstrom a terrible, gloomily Scandinavian coach or, 2) was a curse part of Daniel Gazdag’s contract? Soft as the East is, I can’t see Columbus – or, fuck it, even Orlando – climbing up the table. There is a massive question of who wakes up first, and how long they can stay awake, lurking in the above. I feel like the teams with better options will win out over time, but isn’t that why we play the games?

15) Philadelphia Union
0-5-0, 0 pts., 5 GP; 3 gf, 9 ga (-6); home 0-3-0, away 0-2-0
Past Results: LLLLL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ DC (0-1 L); v NYC (1-2 L); v SJ (0-1 L); @ ATL (1-3 L); v CHI (1-2 L)
In a Word/Phrase: This is fan abuse
Notes
Without the CCC to manage, 2025 Philadelphia runs that schedule with a minimum of 10 points and with a great chance of getting 12. Even with the 2026 CCC in the mix…that’s just a shit run. And mostly against teams that aren’t doing so good. Trouble, in other words. Something's rotten in Chester.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I felt like Quinn Sullivan had a breakout 2/3 of last season, I see some hype around Cavan Sullivan, and I am a Danley Jean-Jacques fan, but the overall vibe of this roster presents as a BIG gamble on getting the best out of average a team can.

WESTERN CONFERENCE
1) Los Angeles FC
4-0-1, 13 pts., 5 GP; 8 gf, 0 ga (+6); home 3-0-0, away 1-0-1
Past Results: WWWWD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v MIA (3-0 W); @ HOU (2-0 W); v FCD (1-0 W); v STL (2-0 W); @ ATX (0-0 D)
In a Word/Phrase: Bastards.
Notes
Another team I don’t watch a lot, and for the same reason I watch around Miami. The only things that strikes me as worth noting are 1) this is another team in the CCC; 2) the quality of the opposition so far (mid-to-low, after Week 1); and 3) the fact they have allowed zero goals in MLS play this season. Even against low-to-mid opposition, that’s some crazy shit.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Denis Bouanga’s great, Son Heung-Min has played in the stratosphere, and so on, but if I had to tell anyone what makes LAFC tick, I’d go with finding, signing and poaching some of the best back-up talent in the league – e.g., Mark Delgado, Ryan Hollingshead, Matthieu Choniere, Ryan Raposo, Timothy Tillman, and Jacob Shaffelburg. Put top talent around those guys and you’re going places.

2) Vancouver Whitecaps FC
4-1-0, 12 pts., 5 GP; 14 gf, 2 ga (+12); home 3-1-0, away 1-0-0
Past Results: WWWWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v RSL (1-0 W); v TFC (3-0 W); @ POR (4-1 W); v MIN (6-0 W); v SJ (0-1 L);
In a Word/Phrase: Machine.
Notes
Seattle kicked them out of the CCC, and with a direct kick to the tenders, but their league play was immaculate until last weekend marred it. Having watched most of that game, I feel okay calling it a little lucky for the ‘Quakes, but I also expect things to level out for the ‘Caps over the months ahead. At the same time, you don’t see easy street when you look at their early schedule.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
First, huge shout out to Ralph Priso for (essentially) mastering the transition to another position/skillset. More importantly, this team has a midfield pairing to die for in Sebastian Berhalter and Andres Cubas (aka, catnip, MDMA, cocaine and heroin all in one for me), and just talent and depth all over the place…though one has to wonder what happened versus San Jose. And what happens if Brian White gets injured. I went with “machine” because I think Jesper Sorensen has a good system in place, but I won’t carry them all the way if the top talent can’t stay healthy.

3) San Jose Earthquakes
4-1-0, 12 pts., 5 GP; 7 gf, 1 ga (+6); home 2-1-0, away 2-0-0
Past Results: WWWLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v SKC (3-0 W); v ATL (2-0 W); @ PHI (1-0 W); v SEA (0-1 L); @ VAN (1-0 W);
In a Word/Phrase: The Nature of Faith
Notes
I might have put more time into San Jose as I have into any team besides the Timbers and I still don’t really understand what makes them tick on the attacking side. And “not much” and “largely accidental” aren’t totally unfair, as I see it. If it weren’t for the past two games, and if I didn’t watch almost all of their suffocating win at Vancouver, I’d almost certainly rate them lower, but one goal allowed is one goal allowed. Whatever Bruce is doing seems to be working. Again...but for how long?
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Timo Werner, especially when I get a whiff of existential dread from him in his bio photo (those pleading eyes asking, ‘how did I get here?”), but Ousseni Bouda, Beau Leroux, Ronaldo Vieira, and, damn my eyes, Preston Judd have my attention as well. It doesn’t work for every forward and on every team, but Judd has those junkyard dog tendencies that break a defender’s brain. To be clear, I genuinely don’t understand what is working, or how. but they’ll be fine for as long as they can keep goals against at a fraction of their goals for.

Exquisite, mind your hands.

4) San Diego FC
3-0-2, 11 pts., 5 GP; 13 gf, 5 ga (+8); home 2-0-1, away 1-0-1
Past Results: WWWDD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v MTL (5-0 W); v STL (2-0 W); @ SKC (1-0 W); @ FCD (3-3 D); v RSL (2-2 D);
In a Word/Phrase: Faberge Egg (i.e., something fine, something fragile)
Notes
Of course it bears noting that all of San Diego’s wins came against crap teams, but they also remain undefeated after squaring off against two tougher teams (Dallas and RSL) in the middle of a profoundly challenging, if ultimately futile CCC campaign. Bottom line, withholding judgment while also expecting good things from them in the season ahead.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
From steady metronomes like Onni Valakari and Jeppe Tserkov to a shooting star like Anders Dreyer, this team has plenty of players to admire. A bit worried about the depth, but that could just be me staring at unknown players like a senior trying to sort out apps on his smartphone…yeah, this may be another team I have to look at a little more…good vibes early, though.

5) Seattle Sounders FC
3-1-1, 10 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 2 ga (+3); home 1-0-0, away 2-1-1
Past Results: WLWWD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v COL (2-0 W); @ RSL (1-2 L); @ STL (1-0 W); @ SJ (1-0 W); @ MIN (0-0 D);
In a Word/Phrase: Since bastards is already taken…pricks?
Notes
First, do note the balance of away games versus home games. Seven points from twelve counts on the road as a good haul in any league, but getting four out of those last two games feels like twice the accomplishment when combined with kicking Vancouver – aka, “Machine” – out of the CCC. The low goals against stands out, but so do the piddling goals scored (then again, they dropped four on Vancouver in the CCC, who have otherwise allowed just two). Few of the teams they’ve played in the regular season have the chops to test Seattle’s defense, but this is also a team that has, historically, rode the defense to success. Put a pin in that detail.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I saw highlights of Paul Arriola scoring a goal or two over the past couple weeks and good for him and any other player who has gone through “IT” and come back. So much about this team barely makes sense – e.g., they have two attacking DPs, Jordan Morris and Pedro de la Vega, that never seem to be wholly whole (could explain the low goals for) – but they have been one of the best teams in MLS for as long as they’ve been in it, and so. I like Albert Rusnak and feel like Seattle found a great way to use him, how can anyone NOT like Paul Rothrock and, haters be damned, Cristian Roldan’s just…a good, insanely reliable player. I keep waiting for Jesus Ferreira to REALLY find his feet, but the defense behind him gives Ferreira the time he needs to sort it.

6) Real Salt Lake
3-1-1, 10 pts., 5 GP; 9 gf, 7 ga (+2); home 2-0-0, away 1-1-1
Past Results: LWWWD
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ VAN (0-1 L); v SEA (2-1 W); @ ATL (2-1 W); v ATX (2-1 W); @ SD (2-2 D);
In a Word/Phrase: Well, hello there…
Notes
Making Rio Tinto (La, la, laaaaa!!! America what now? I can't hear you!) Stadium into a fortress would do a lot to keep RSL in the mix all on its own, but this is another team I’ve watched a bit and the current formula looks promising. Sustainable, though? I’ve seen at least one Pablo Mastroeni team walk on water for a while, but his total commitment model seems to have a shelf-life. And yet, yes, this team has my attention.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
On the less sexy side, adding DeAndre Yedlin and Lukas Engel to the defense looks really smart to me (both league-elite, or flirting with it, for me). On the sexie...sorry, can’t do it. I climbed on the (Zavier) Gozo the first time I saw it, Aiden Hezarkhani keeps showing up in highlight reels, Diego Luna has barely started to play, I’m not sure Pablo Ruiz will ever walk again (figuratively), but RSL is playing like a team with good personnel and a better spirit.

7) Colorado Rapids
3-2-0, 9 pts., 5 GP; 11 gf, 7 ga (+4); home 2-0-0, away 1-2-0
Past Results: LWWLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ SEA (0-2 L); v POR (1-0 W); v LAG (4-1 W); @ NYC (1-3 L); @ SKC (4-1 W)
In a Word/Phrase: Just upper-Middle Class.
Notes
If I had to give the short version, I’d run with better than the worst, but still a couple steps behind the real swells. Seeing them run up the score at SKC made their home wins against (sucks to suck) lesser Western Conference teams look a little bigger – especially seeing that their two losses came on the road and against two MLS’s best over the past decade. Like RSL, Colorado seems genuinely of interest.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Big fan of Rafael Navarro, but this roster has youthful energy all over it, up to and excluding Keegan Rosenberry (I kid, I kid). Just to give you a sense of how my brain works, Wayne Frederick was the player I noted the last time I watched the Rapids for any length of time. To put that another way, I’m not sure that Paxten Aaronson is the No. 10 he wears on his shirt; I’m also not sure that he needs to be – particularly if just making the playoffs and rolling the dice from there is the primary goal.

8) FC Dallas
2-1-2, 8 pts., 5 GP; 10 gf, 9 ga (+1); home 2-0-2, away 0-1-0
Last 10 Results: WDLDW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v TFC (3-2 W); v NSH (0-0 D); @ LAFC (0-1 L); v SD (3-3 D); v HOU (4-3 W);
In a Word/Phrase: In their natural habitat (aka, mid-table)
Notes
When I glanced at their roster last week, I realized I didn’t know half the starters. Going the other way, I feel like some of those names may become familiar because, heavy tilt toward home games aside, they’re getting points out of tough teams (see above). There’s at least one big reason for that (see below), but everything below…I’m going with fifth place in the West feels wide open enough that seeing them push a little higher wouldn’t totally surprise me.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster; wow, that looks like a damn high school year book)
Despite not posting extravagant numbers, I think Petar Musa rates among one of the most complete forwards in MLS – and a team can do worse than have Lucas Farrington running off of him. I recognize some other names – e.g., Bernard Kamungo, Shaq Moore, Lalas Abubakar, as well as reclamation projects like Anderson Julio – but Dallas looks like another team I need to commit to learning. Oh, and they just added a face Timbers fans know well. Santiago Moreno…dying to see how he fits in…

9) Houston Dynamo
2-2-0, 6 pts., 4 GP; 8 gf, 9 ga (-1); home 2-1-0, away 0-1-0
Last 10 Results: WLWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
v CHI (2-1 W); v LAFC (0-2 L); v POR (3-2 W); @ FCD (3-4 L);
In a Word/Phrase: A good, reliable used car.
Notes
Not the liveliest of starts, as one can see, but they’ve shown a knack for comebacks (got both wins that way) and they pushed Dallas to the wall on the road, so that’s a lot of mid-table teams and they’re holding up. LAFC’s beating almost everyone and they haven’t lost yet, so not a ton of shame in their one lopsided result. Fwiw, I’ve watched this team more than most – and not just because the Portland game – and feel like I could go on a while.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Fascinated by the return of Hector Herrera and really wondering when or whether he gets more than late minutes. I really like what I’ve seen from Guilherme, Mateusz Bogusz looks like a smart signing, and whatever Jack McGlynn loses as a pure creator he makes up with better-than-your-average set pieces. If HH has the legs to give this team a creative spark, I’m interested. If they continue as they are, I rate them as one of the five, six teams brawling beneath the West’s Top 5.

10) Los Angeles Galaxy
1-2-2, 5 pts.; 5 GP; 7 gf, 8 ga (-1); home 1-1-1, away 0-1-1
Past Results: DWLLD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v NYC (1-1 D); v CLT (3-0 W); @ COL (1-4 L); v SKC (1-2 L); @ POR (1-1 D);
In a Word/Phrase: The Wrestler (i.e., the movie, with Mickey Rourke)
Notes
Another team I’ve watched a fair amount – this time, solely because Portland – they caught my eye and everyone else’s with a Week 2 demolition of Charlotte. At least two wrong turns followed (is getting blown out at Colorado worse than losing at home to SKC, or vice versa?) and arguably pissed away another two points when they couldn’t press nearly 80 minutes’ of playing a man up at Portland. Those are all crap results, even on the road.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
They’re struggling with one of 2024’s Killer Ps (Riqui Puig) still absent and they’ve missed Joseph Paintsil for most of this season and that speaks for a large portion of this category. Gabriel Pec can be a gamebreaker, for sure, and I think of Joao Klauss as a guilty pleasure, but a defense can bottle up LA’s attack by containing Pec and isolating Klauss. At this point, I’m looking for what Justin Haak (and Jakob Glesnes?) can do to improve the defense and I’m on the record as liking Edwin Cerrillo, but the Galaxy have a weirdly mid lineup all in all…which kinda removes the mystery of why they are where they are.

11) Austin FC
1-2-2, 5 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 7 ga (-2); home 1-0-2, away 0-2-0
Past Results: DWLLD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v MIN (2-2 D); v DC (1-0 W); @ CLT (1-3 L); @ RSL (1-2 L); v LAFC (0-0 D)
In a Word/Phrase: Work in progress? (emphasis on the question mark; I really don’t know!)
Notes
Not a great start, obviously, but credit to them for winning their one clearly winnable home game? Splitting points versus Minnesota and LAFC at home doesn’t suggest a glittering future, but they may yet come together? Will every sentence in Austin’s blurb be a question? (Maybe. This is one of those teams I genuinely struggle to watch – and I think they’re more interesting this season than they’ve been lately!)
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I think any note on new player acquisitions has to begin with a nod to how little Austin got out of big investments in Brandon Vazquez and Myrto Uzuni – as in, the Facundo Torres signing intrigues me, but also Vazquez and Uzuni. It’s not all bad, by any means – Owen Wolff really did have a good 2025, I rate Jayden Nelson for adding value, Minnesota got good value out of Joseph Rosales, and who wouldn’t gamble on getting five-plus goals out of Christian Ramirez, etc. – but looking to win anything with that many reclamation projects feels like a reach most arms can’t reach.

12) Minnesota United FC
1-2-2, 5 pts.; 5 GP; 4 gf, 11 ga (-7); home 1-0-1, away 0-2-1
Past Results: DWLLD
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ ATX (2-2 D); v CIN (1-0 W); @ NSH (1-3 L); @ VAN (0-6 L); v SEA (0-0 D);
In a Word/Phrase: Stalled.
Notes
Flagging the blowout at Vancouver as an outlier feels like the kindest thing to say – I can go further, blame it all on Michael Boxall’s injury – and I accept that’s a pretty tough schedule, more road games than home games, and so on (then again, the Loons road record might have edged out their home form in 2025). Still, 12th place? Take out that Vancouver game and the defense looks all right, but…just four goals scored? Really?
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I appreciate that Minnesota invested big in James Rodriguez and know he hasn’t yet come online – and that could bring brighter days on its own – but they’ve had most of the usual attacking players (e.g., Joaquin Pereyra, Kelvin Yeboah) available, as well as new (fragile) signing, Tomas Chancalay, and…just four goals scored? Really? Again, I’m willing to write off the Vancouver loss – a 1-1-2 record feels pretty damn Minnesota to me – and I assume this team and, crucially, its attack will get going. It’s just…

13) St. Louis CITY FC
1-3-1, 4 pts.; 5 GP; 4 gf, 7 ga (-3); home 1-1-1, away 0-2-0
Past Results: DLLLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
v CLT (1-1 D); @ SD (0-2 L); v SEA (0-1 L); @ LAFC (0-2 L); v NE (3-1 W);
In a Word/Phrase: A post-expansion expansion team
Notes
It hasn’t been terrible, that’s a tough schedule and they ate the first reasonable vulnerable gazelle they came across (that’s, um, New England), so maybe any St. Louis fans looking past the slow start and 13th place aren’t entirely crazy…but I can’t look past St. Louis’ paltry haul of four goals scored after shitting all over Minnesota for the same sin. (Full disclosure, it is different because Minnesota had their 2025, they’re an older team, etc.)
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
I’m just gonna point out that Cedric Teuchert has missed a lotta games over his time in Missouri. More significantly, they haven’t had Eduard Lowen at all this season and that makes carrying the offense a heavy fucking lift for Marcel Hartel. Circling back to St. Louis’ respectable start…maybe those fans are crazy. I’ll own my ignorance here, but I don’t see a ton of visible upside on this roster.

Oh. There you are. Way, way down here...

What I want to feel in my heart...

14) Portland Timbers
1-3-1, 4 pts., 5 GP; 7 gf, 12 ga (-5); home 1-1-1, away 0-2-0
Past Results: WLLLD
Strength/Location of Schedule
v CLB (3-2 W); @ COL (0-2 L); v VAN (1-4 L); @ HOU (2-3 L); v LAG (1-1 D);
In a Word/Phrase: Singing the blues, wearing green.
Notes
At least three things that came before this get to why I’m not all that cranky about Portland losing at Colorado and Houston and versus Vancouver, but, switching to my fan hat, a team with the barest sparkle of a glimmer in a dream of doing even one goddamn thing in a season needs to fucking hold serve in a home game against a regional rival and they damn skippy better figure out a way to punch two to four points out of road games against immediate rivals. 14th feels apt. The biggest concern comes with the reality that this team is leaking goals. Their 12 goals allowed put them at third worst in MLS; that’s bad, even with Cincinnati, Red Bull, and SKC in a three-way tie for fourth worst and just one goal allowed behind. And it’s important to define “leaking goals” here, because Minnesota’s not doing that. They’re fucking up in just one game. The Timbers have allowed three goals or more three times five games into the season. That's leaking goals.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Alexander Aravena (wherever he fits on the field) because thinking otherwise would be giving into despair. Jose Caicedo, sight unseen, for the same reason. I’m also praying for the rumored return to form for David Da Costa, the Cole Bassett Renaissance, a 12-goal season for Kevin Kelsy, Joao Ortiz hulking out of his shirt, another great season for Finn Surman, and for Kristoffer Velde to either rise to the level he sees himself at in his head, or to come to terms with the fact that he may not be able to access that level. I’m skeptical on literally all of that.

15) Sporting Kansas City
1-3-1, 4 pts., 5 GP; 5 gf, 11 ga (-6); home 0-2-1, away 1-1-0
Last 10 Results: LDLWL
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ SJ (0-3 L); v CLB (2-2 D); v SD (0-1 L); @ LAG (2-1 W); v COL (1-4 L);
In a Word/Phrase: Like, surprisingly bad.
Notes
SKC is leaking goals almost as badly as the Timbers, but also scoring fewer. Oh, and I just noticed the wafer-thin difference between 14th (Portland) and 15th (SKC) in the West turns on either goals scored or the goal differential; I don’t know which, I only know SKC loses on both tiebreakers, so here they are). The results didn’t break all the way their way in the back-to-back home games against good (or once-good; see: Columbus) teams after the opener at San Jose, but the win at the Galaxy opened up some questions. The ass-kicking the Rapids gave them closed them, at least for now.
Players Who Excite Me (Roster)
Dejan Joveljic looks confused in his bio picture, but that could just be him asking you, the viewer, if you’ve seen players on the roster that he hasn’t because he’s feeling awful lonely up there. Look, I took a long look at Lasse Berg Johnsen’s debut and the broadcast did the work to make it sound like a big deal, but I don’t know what to call this roster besides “dudes stranded in Kansas City.” I don’t know how this team turns it around and I doubt they will.

That’s it. You/I made it. Hope you did the right thing and picked through it. Till the next one…