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First, some quick editorial business: I won’t post “Masochist
Edition” weekly reviews - yes, after just one week. It was insanely
time-consuming, ftfl;dr (far too fucking long; didn’t read), and I don’t need
to show the world my bad math, jesus Christ, what is wrong with me? (And, holy shit, the computer just capitalized “Christ”…shit! It did it again!)
To start with the actual soccer, the new plan is to start with the week’s games that didn’t matter, while also reducing them in the next breath. While I did the usual poking around on the Montreal Impact’s
2-1 win over the Chicago Fire, same for FC Dallas’ predictable 2-0 win over
Minnesota United FC, but I didn’t even check on Toronto FC’s 1-1 road draw
against the San Jose Earthquakes (literally does not matter; they should have
flipped a coin and rested players (sorry, obsessed now)). To start with the
Dallas win, first, rain delay, second, that Pablo Aranguiz looked both
good and featured heavily in the highlights, but Michael Barrios
stole the starring role. The game doesn’t really matter, though, because it
plays to Family-Feud-esque expectations - e.g., we asked 100 random
Atlanta-natives what they thought would happen, and, I’ll be damned if they all
didn’t pick Dallas beating Minnesota. As for the Montreal win, that’s dunking on
MLS’s stand-in for toddlers, next. All the same, Montreal should be thrilled to see Jon (shit!) Daniel Lovitz nail that long put-back, because they need all the
weapons they can get - especially within the more hierarchical Eastern Conference.
There’s no squishy softness back East, the classes don’t mingle so freely as
they do in the West. That’s to say, it’s free-for-all in the late-stage Western
Conference, a slug-fest with no doors. Or maybe it’s just an endurance dance of
mediocrity, who knows?
Someone’s coming to crash the party regardless.
The Seattle Sounders kicking the holy shit out of the Los
Angeles Galaxy (5-screaming-0; heard rumors of worse) counts as my result of the week -
not least for how cleanly it fit into the big picture. Before saying another
word (gasp!), LA sat a couple stars for this one - no, not just Zlatan “Turf
Body” Ibrahimovic, but also Romain Alessandrini, Chris Pontius, and both dos
Santoses (are all dos Santoses created equal? And do they believe it? Also, Pontius
made the 18 at least). Everything I’ve watched and read tells me Seattle tore
LA to shreds yesterday, but, more than that, I saw Nicolas Lodeiro all over the highlights (the best of), the battering ram might be working again, positive
signs that Raul Ruidiaz is fitting in all right, and MLS’s weekly recap gave
some confirmation to my thought that Osvaldo Alonso would pair pretty sharply
at the “2” of a 4-2-3-1.
Seattle is cleaning every clock that comes in the shop right
now - the Galaxy got spit-shined - and that’s ominous for the rest of their
Western Conference. Doubly so, because no one else seems to actually want that
spot in the playoffs. Take the Galaxy: even if you accept their loss in Seattle
boiled down to a “JV v. V” dynamic, the Galaxy drew the Colorado Rapids in LA early in Week 24 - and that was one week after drawing Minnesota United FC in LA. And losing at Colorado the week before that. Whatever’s rotten in Carson(Elsinore),
Cali(Denmark) goes deeper than one week off for the starters. On the one hand,
Seattle got a bit of a patsy; on the other, they kicked all of that patsy's
ass. And Seattle has the Portland Timbers next. I’m fine. I learned how to
deaden most of my emotions over a decade ago.
Staying in LA - a rare Center of the Universe in the MLS
Extended Universe - Los Angeles FC put the Galaxy’s, frankly, shitty week in
still sharper relief, and by doing everything any team does when they want to
share a sentence with the word “contender” - e.g., they beat the Rapids in LA(FC), 2-0. I was about to crap on LAFC, but, because they delivered my goal of the week and Laurent Ciman delivered a truly fascinating free kick, that means leaving out the cheap-shots. That
they beat Real Salt Lake 2-1 round out the week is only impressive for
the quick turn-around - I can name at least one team that didn’t handle the same so
good (ahem!) - but the reality is, LAFC
has to win both of those games to remain credible, and due to the competition precisely. They did, and that’s entirely to their credit, but they had to punch
out of a mini-abyss to do it (they’d gone 0-3-2 in the previous five games). If
there’s a question that matters a lot to LAFC, it’s “who’s next?” More on that
later. Oh, and good to see Christian Ramirez score, if only because he looks so damn happy doing it.
Just to close the chapter on Colorado, who knows what they
could have done in the West this season if they’d had this team when the season
started. They’d been bad long enough that you sometimes forget that the Rapids
still have Tim Howard back there, but he becomes enormous when he’s got a
better team in front of him. You’ll see Kellyn Acosta in both sets of
highlights, as well as Edgar Castillo. That team has a foundation - a
foundation that looks likely to kick some teams in the ass on their way into,
or out of the playoffs - but they’ve got to get the new parts right.
Say, that’s something the Portland Timbers could have done
better on this off-season. The Timbers spent a week in the (Spiked)
Paddle-Wheel, an experience that is horrific and shameful by its very design.
It’s hard to choose the worst between the losses - and that extends to the
(again) horrific/shameful goals the Timbers allowed (Candidate A v. Candidate B) -
but the real fun comes with how hard this week kicked the shit out of the
brand - e.g., the Timbers' rep as a sound defensive team. In my last weekly review post, Portland had a +7 goal differential. It
took just two losses (TWO!) to haul that goal differential to +1. If you read
Matt Doyle at all this season, you’ll recall he kept bringing up the fact that,
as often as Portland won, they won by one goal (say that three times fast…wait,
that’s pretty easy, never mind). That boils down to a case for “wins will
become draws” - or, to make up an alternate theory, “can they attack more without
handing out goals with a smile?” - but the fundamental question remains the
same: can the Timbers dial up the attack or are they doomed to defend,
depressingly?
This hits me where I live….well, I live West of it, but MLS’s
Bobby Warshaw has a theory that I read as, “they are doomed to defend, depressingly,”
and, as he points out, that gets them wins - or did for 15 games straight. No
team in MLS has either a team or a plan for going wire-to-wire at the top,
everyone loses now and again, and that’s just the way this league is…
…I know, a couple teams have, or at least they’ve come
closer. I’ll get to that with the Eastern Conference material. My point is, I
don’t buy his theory. Portland’s skill players need more support, or this team
won’t go anywhere. The reinforcements are coming, but the padding in the
standings has officially run out for Portland. So, when I talk about teams not “wanting”
the West, that’s where that comes from: if the Galaxy and Portland don’t have
the personnel to manage the inevitable curves a season throws at a team, or if
LAFC has slipped to where they can’t hang with The Big Boys (but this week
hinted they can), god knows how high Seattle can climb. Even Dallas seems to be coping with a little vertigo up there. Still, some
obstacles remain.
When I moaned about Portland, I neglected to even mention
the teams that kicked the crap out of them. Sporting Kansas City was the second
team in Week 24 to put them through the paddle-wheel - they ran over Portland 3-clean-0 (as in Portland was helpless) - and
they’re on a useful and timely upswing. Diego Rubio started the show with a
brace, and Johnny Russell finished it; motherfuckers even won social media. Sporting KC
has won three in a row, two of them on the road, and against solid home teams,
and the other a comfortable win at home. SKC looks serious again, so maybe they're a good bet to keep ahead of Seattle.
That leaves only one team still over Seattle in the standings,
and it’s one I’ve mentioned: RSL. With the loss to LAFC already noted, that
just leaves flagging their at-the-literal-death win over the (dying) Houston
Dynamo - I mean, if that wasn't an arsenic-laced loss for the Dynamo, when will last rites come? I heard
rumors of a decent fight from the broadcast booth, and support for that from
Match Day Central, but I also checked the box score on this one and, if nothing
else, the shots/shots-on-goal numbers read like this: Houston: 12, 3; RSL, 25,
9. Match Day Central pushed hardest on the line that Houston had a shot to win
this, but between Albert Rusnak’s comments and the box score, I’m thinking
Houston is done. The book remains open on RSL, but any kind of road win bodes
superlative for them.
Continuing now, with my apologies to the Eastern Conference…what?
It’s not as interesting this week.
I’m going to start with DC United because I think it slipped
under my radar - and on the same week when DC kicked the crap out of my Portland
Timbers. They wrapped up the week by beating the New England Revolution in DC, but, as I used to say about the Fire, who doesn’t beat New England? (Also, just to
note it: Portland lost harder than New England. Let that sink in, Portland
fans.) The highlights are
lousy with the Luciano Acosta/Wayne Rooney pairing. Small wonder, with them
legitimately tearing shit up - and taking turns doing it, e.g., Rooney picked
apart Portland, with an assist from Acosta, while Acosta started the scoring
against New England. The supporting cast showed up - Darren Mattocks in one game,
Zoltan Stieber in the next, Paul Arriola in both games - and that has DC rolling 4-0-1 in their last five
games. I can nit-pick every game in that run, but DC is officially punching at
a new weight.
Before moving on, I’ll wrap up New England like this: they
had a moment in the 18th minute when their defense turned into a puddle on a
set-piece. As much as I rate Matt Turner as a shot-stopper, that kind of chaos
defines the Revs in 2018. Oh, and Scott Caldwell got sent off.
For the next biggest result/event in the East, I’m going
with Atlanta United’s 3-1 win over Columbus Crew SC. Josef Martinez scored, of
course (and the commentary on Martinez’s play in Bobby Warshaw’s weekly wrap is
worthwhile), but I’m even more impressed by what he did late in the game, when
he got generous/did the right thing and dished to Miguel Almiron for a (perfect) finish. Columbus played them even
on numbers - and their defending on Gyasi Zardes’ goal counts as a
distended-eyeball-worthy level mess (just…look!) - but I don’t see why this
game would ever play out differently, at least not in Georgia. And, if you’re
asking, Almiron is my favorite player on this team. By his quality alone Martinez
can’t help but matter, but put him on Chicago and he’d be Nemanja Nikolic
instead of the talk of the league and all-but-certain record breaker.
Atlanta has to be good, obviously, not least because they’re
leading the Supporters' Shield race, but I want to slip one quick note into the conversation: when they’ve
struggled at home, it’s been against your finer Western Conference teams -
e.g., v. Seattle, v. Portland, @ FC Dallas. Just file that away.
The happiest story happened in Philadelphia, where the home
team beat New York City FC 2-0. I’ve heard nothing but praise about Philly (but
I’m also getting my outside info from Bobby Warshaw and he is a naked Philly
stan), but, no matter how much I like it, how often does Ilsinho score this goal, or Andre Blake survive going "full-walkabout" (see the highlights, sorry!) unscathed? My
general understanding on the Union (for that is all I can have), is that they
play well and defend a couple levels below. That doesn’t take away this result
- or stop questions from flowing in the opposite direction to NYCFC - because nothing about this said, "blowout." On the plus side, the Union might have found a
forward who can score in Corey Burke (again, srsly). And, just to note it, what
the fuck was Ronald Matarrita thinking on that kick? Hello, suspension my old
friend…
Finally, and before checking in on next week (and beyond!!),
the New York Red Bulls drew the Vancouver Whitecaps 2-2 in Vancouver. This
result almost went into the “doesn’t matter” paragraph that started this post.
All the same, this result matters in the loose sense that, their obvious pain
at coughing up a last, last minute equalizer, Vancouver doesn’t really want to
make the Western Conference playoffs either. On the one hand, of course they do; on
the other, they’re not doing it at home - and, near as I can tell, home wins
define the low bar in terms of MLS viability and/or likelihood of future
success, even potential future success. Vancouver
is 4-4-2 in their last 10 games, while also being two places and (conveniently)
two points out of the playoffs.
And that’s where I’ll turn my thoughts next - MLS Week 26, the
place where shit gets at least semi-serious. But, to get the games that don’t,
or shouldn’t matter a ton, out of the way: Columbus should win at Chicago,
because who doesn’t, and the same goes for Orlando’s visit to Atlanta - e.g., Orlando is 85% doomed, at a minimum;
elsewhere, SKC should beat Minnesota at home, and the Red Bulls had better slap
DC United down now, lest they wonder whether they’ll be able to do it when it
really matters (in the playoffs). To wrap up the games that even the mothers of the players
involved barely care about, San Jose v. Vancouver barely matters, but I think
the state of my resume would creep into my nightmares if I lost that game playing for Vancouver. Also, Vancouver should be nervous.
If I had to call one game marginal, it’d be Houston v.
Dallas. Houston needs this win like a person needs air when the cabin has lost
pressure - aka, shit’s desperate - but, they’ll probably find a way to fuck it
up and it’s not likely to matter even if they do win…whoa. Jesus, that's a vicious sentence and sorry to any Houston fan who finds this. Going the other
way, Dallas looks good if they draw this, but they could lose it with dignity intact. A win, though, and Dallas gets a little more credibility on top of three points. With
every other game in Week 26, stakes is high. To pick through them, and in one (shit! two) paragraph(s)…
The league’s two intra-city derbies happen mid-to-late week
- NYCFC v. Red Bulls on Wednesday and the Galaxy v. LAFC on Friday - and I can
only take off my hat to that level of scheduling serendipity. One really can’t
know where all of these teams would be at this point in the season and, I’ll be
damned if the bastards in MLS's scheduling department didn’t pull it off. Also, edge to no one, and across the
board for these games.
Moving on, now, to games that matter, only less than others. As much as Montreal should never expect a win in Toronto, their
season might depend on it (due to small stretch after September 1st, also,
Toronto features heavily in their late-season schedule), so that’s what you
watch for there (and, also, TFC being fucked further if they lose this one).
Philadelphia hosting New England has that “one-last-chance,-outlaw” feel to it
(and that comma mattered); Philly can use this, but the Revs need it. I see
no reason why New England gets it, but who knows? As for the last two other games, if
RSL didn’t draw the shortest straw when they pulled Colorado away right now,
you can measure the difference in millimeters. An away game against a team that’s
even belatedly sorted spells “D-O-O-M.”
Finally, and because it’s the home team, I’m typing one
final paragraph. Portland plays a smokin’-hot Seattle this weekend, and in
Portland, and, no I don’t feel good about this one. As much as I feel like
Seattle has got lucky with some of their recent wins, a rock-solid defense is the
one through-line that’s held all six of their last wins in six together.
Portland is not just not scoring solidly lately, they’re barely scoring. Worse,
they can’t push a game without letting their guard so far down that a decent
opposing team can’t kick them in five different part of legs before Portland
even moves. With that in mind, I hope the Timbers play defensive and try to
sneak one under the chin before packing it in again. At this point, even one
point and a non-loss might matter as much as anything - aka, restoring faith in
Plan A.
And, that’s it. Till a hopefully shorter next week (or a further
evolution in the concept…the flasks are boiling out my way!)
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