MLS Week 26 Review: Big Shit on the Horizon (And Incorrigible. That's the Word You're Looking For)

A glance at MLS Week 27.

I can do this, gosh darn it! I can be brief. I will be brief. And, obviously, never listen to me when I say I’m gonna stop doing something.

Your Result of the Week, for Major League Soccer Week 26: Real Salt Lake’s complete and utter, 6-0 dismantling of the Colorado Rapids. I framed this game around RSL in last week’s preview tweet-storm, calling it a “vital chance [for RSL] to choke-out its road woes.” The balance of those six goals came after two ejections (so file that away, and, for the record, I’m against the rigid sacrosanctity that forbids so much as staring angrily at a player’s head; I don't want to live in a world where this is a red card), but they still kicked the Rapids absolutely dizzy (watch the highlights; the Rapids’ players looked fucking drunk after the sixth goal). I made sense to shrug at his match-up as recently as a month ago, but beating up the LA Galaxy twice a couple weeks back, and with a home win over San Jose between them, slipped the word “new-look” in front of the Rapids’ name. At any rate, big, big win for RSL, who needs road-confidence for the playoff appearance they’re looking more and more likely to nail down.

Now the rest, with random points of interest, in descending order of importance:

To squeeze in a game that barely mattered, and in service of noting something that did, Josef Martinez broke the single-season goal-scoring record last week, and with some class too. As for the game, that 2-1 score-line elides the reality that Atlanta United FC rolled over OrlandoCity SC. Then again, who didn’t expect that?

OK, back to it, the games that mattered most...

I wrote this about the San Jose Earthquakes side of their 2-3 home loss to the Vancouver Whitecaps: “If that doesn’t drive your confidence down a desert highway en route to burial, I don’t know what does.” “That” referenced going up two goals early, only to stall-out and lose – and on some near-total defensive breakdowns (see Kei Kamara’s humiliating tap-in). San Jose is fucked, but Vancouver’s brand just got a little more viable, and that’s a big deal…

…not least because that win put them even on points with a choking Portland Timbers side (but Portland stays above them, in spite of recent efforts, on goal-differential). I registered my disappointment with Portland, at length, but Seattle had little to brag about outside the quality of its defense, but it’s impossible to argue with 8-0-2 in their last 10 games, and they’re getting real wins at home (and stole three points out of Minnesota a couple games back).

I’m going to switch over to the Eastern Conference for the next big result: the New York Red Bulls’ 1-0 win at home over DC United. I flag this one because I keep waiting for the Red Bulls to have a well-justified slip (they get another shot tomorrow when they host Houston), but the keep getting results. DC actually edged them in the box score, but New York put a succession of shots on goal (see sidebar) before Kaku scored one, but at 6-2-2 over the past 10 (3-1-2 away too), about the only team keeping a Seattle-esque tempo.

Back to the Western Conference, I dunno, maybe it’s weird I started with the low-end, but, between Sporting Kansas City doing the 2-0 business at home against Minnesota United and FC Dallas failing to match that during a visit to Houston, the top-end is just as messy. Neither result was particularly surprising, though it’s worth dipping into the highlights for SKC win because they scored some damned pretty team goals (especially Yohan Croizet’s). But for the grace of a stupid miss by Tomas Martinez and Andrew “Jack-of-All-Jack” Wenger getting punked by Michael Barrios (sorry to go full-Kutcher, but it was bad), Dallas could have lost this one – and do mind the trends for SKC and FCD over the past five games – 4-1-0 and 2-2-1, respectively.

To round this out with the rest of the games from the Eastern Conference, some might question my choice of burying Toronto FC’s (loosely) credible 3-1 win over Montreal Impact, but Toronto has a lot of road to go before they’re worth minding – and the next leg of their journey takes them to visit a leggy Portland team tomorrow night – but Montreal also "outplayed" them "on paper". Still, good to see Sebastian Giovinco get back to being valuable (he’s in double digits for goals in 2018).

And, to mop up the remainders, the only thing remarkable about Columbus Crew SC’s 1-1 draw away to the Chicago Fire just means they failed to dunk on the Fire like everyone else (and in spectacular fashion; take a bow, Milton Valenzuela). Finally, the Philadelphia Union got the better of yet another six-point occasion with a 1-0 win over the visiting, flailing New England Revolution, a game highlighted by one hell of a goal-keeper duel. And, sure, I’ll raise my hand on this one and admit I buried it: even if it stands on two Ws against New England, Philly is keeping pace with SKC (4-1-0) over their last five games.

To glance ahead at Week 27, I’ve already mentioned a couple – e.g., New York v. Houston and Portland v. TFC, but other midweek games feature a rested DC United hosting an unrested Philly team and a reasonably rested Dallas team visiting the saddest suburb on Earth, aka, San Jose, CA. Literally all of those plot-lines deepen with the rest of Week 27’s action. Here’s the list:

Seattle Sounders v. Sporting KC

Montreal v. Red Bulls New York

New England v. Portland

Orlando v. Philly

Columbus v. NYCFC

FC Dallas v. Houston

Toronto v. LAFC

RSL v. LA Galaxy

Vancouver v. San Jose

DC United v. Atlanta

For the record, I actually did pretty well either, 1) calling games for Week 25, or 2) at least framing them through the correct team (e.g., RSL and Vancouver). To try to keep that going…

Stakes feel highest for TFC in that they’ve got two games (at Portland and v. LAFC) they absolutely could lose and, speaking for myself, I’d be delighted to stop talking about Toronto. And if it's my team, Portland, that keeps them in the conversation...damn. (Also, I'll close with Portland.) Seattle v. SKC sure looks like the Game of the Week and, in spite of the Sounders home/general form, I like SKC’s chances of getting one point, maybe even stealing three. To wrap up the rest of the teams with double-headers, DC totally has a ton of work cut-out, but catches a bit of break by starting the week with an over-scheduled Philly team...and they probably do and don't want to play Atlanta; two wins (which I don't see them getting) and look out. Going the other way, getting anything more than three points out of this week will speak awfully well of Philly- and the goes for the Red Bulls. Look, I wouldn’t blame them for laying a pair of eggs this week….honestly, the schedule has wandered off into a screwy for a few of these teams (e.g., I’d love to shift one of the Timbers’ upcoming mid-week games to their open week in October), but I've never seen a team keep finding for Ws and Ds up their own asses. Crazy. Also, Red Bulls wins both of those games in a normal week.

The last teams that play doubles also play one another: Dallas and Houston. I’d expect whatever’s cursing the Dynamo to keep giving them the Evil Eye and, with as much as keeping the home court as impregnable as possible, Dallas should invest whatever they can into getting the W against Houston – up to including something irresponsible as starting Cristian Colman in San Jose. Christ, that guy can miss. Facing two broken teams is a lucky break for Dallas, but folks will have every reason to notice if they manage fewer than even four points.

To wrap up with the rest, Columbus v. NYCFC makes for a solid Game of the Week alternate; because that feels too close to call, I’ll call that for the home team. After that, a win over the Galaxy will give RSL another week of hogging the spotlight - even at home - and the Galaxy...they just need that win; advantage RSL for me, and in a duel of confidence. It’d be a shame for Vancouver take anything less than three points against San Jose (the locals where I live would love nothing better), and Montreal will never have the Red Bulls in a position where they can take advantage like this; big game for L'Impact, and I'm not sure they do it. Finally, and frankly, I don’t think it really matters what Atlanta and Philly do over the weekend; a loss won’t kill either team, and that should keep them loose - and improve their chances of winning. That’s most of everything, right? Can I talk about Portland now?

First, shit. Shit, shit, shit. I had both Toronto at home and New England away down as easy wins for the Timbers as recently as mid-August. On the plus side, these set up as favorably as possible given the condensed time-line. The positives from the Seattle loss (e.g., playing well/compact) will need to carry over to the Toronto game, and improve probably, if only on the defensive end. With Jozy Altidore back and Giovinco (and even Jonathan Osorio) playing better, I don’t know if Portland even CAN open up the game and gun for all three...but some part of me almost needs them to. Still, momentum from that one could juice a little more life into their legs for that long trip to New England – a game where I think, due to the Revs' famous fragility, the Timbers should go for broke. At any rate, there’s no question in my mind as to which game is the more important – Toronto at home.  And sorry for that anxiety-producing that.

OK, that’s all for this pirate broadcast. Just to mention it, I did some monkeying around with posting the raw data behind these posts and, I'll be damned if it didn't work. Assuming it does, I plan to post that next week, and with shortened commentary above it. You'll find a crazy amount of context (and I mean that, "crazy"; what the hell is this madness?), and on every team, looking both forward and back, and all that will speak for itself. That's instead of me stringing together the world's longest non sequitur to explain 2+ weeks' worth of soccer.  Mostly, I figured out how to shrink the amount of raw data I update every week, and that shaved off a couple hours. Yay, I guess?