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| Not shit. I just love the painting. |
[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]
Thumbnail History
I came this close to lumping the Miami Fusion into this post. They joined in the same pre-contraction expansion as the Chicago Fire, only, when contraction did come after the 2002 season, the league opted to keep Chicago and cut Florida loose…which continues to be a temptation, of course. I decided against for one obvious reason: the 1998-2002 team doesn’t have so much as a sparkle of the glitz and glamour of Inter Miami CF. The temptation lingered for a while, due mostly the fact that MLS legends like Kyle Beckerman, Pablo Mastroeni, Nick Rimando and (pushing it here) Jay Heaps, but the Fusion really did play and thrive in a totally different league…
…and yet, is that so different than the gap that separates Inter Miami’s MLS 4.0(?) Year and the Messi marketing cash-grab that so recently pissed off Hong Kong fans? My short response is no and yes, and in that order. The 2020 team went so rules-breaking big on its first roster-build that it forced the league to sanction it for playing a shell-game in terms of roster compliance. Miami still made the 2020 playoffs, but that comes with a couple caveats – e.g., the playoff pool was out-of-control-house-party big that season (because COVID) and the sanctions arguably derailed Miami’s 2021 season. They rode the death-rattle of Gonzalo Higuain’s career to get back to the playoffs in 2022 and I briefly became obsessed with Miami at the beginning of 2023 when they started strong on the back of sterling midfield performances from Gregore and Jean Mota. Gregore went down for most (if not all) of the season by the third game and Mota succumbed to an injury of his own somewhere around the 10th game, all of which caused Miami’s cruel summer to arrive ahead of schedule. Two months of eating shit followed: they went winless from the middle of May to the middle July, losing eight games of 11 and looking very, very doomed. And then came the Leagues Cup. And the arrival of Lionel Messi, Sergio Busquets, Jordi Alba, and…Robert Taylor. That all-star cast and a new director (they bumped now-Portland Timbers head coach, Phil Neville, for Tata Martino) lead them to the inaugural Leagues Cup title. They could not, however, climb out of the hole the former team dug over those two months of eating shit…well, that and the six-game losing streak that happened earlier that season after Gregore’s injury threw Plan A into chaos.
Best Season(s)
I’m calling it a toss-up. I imagine that winning the Leagues Cup was nice and all, but failing to make the 2023 playoffs must have been like chasing a shot of delicious Jameson with something disgusting and fucking weird like pickle juice (just…don’t). Given that, I’m going with Gonzalo Higuain’s rousing curtain-call at the end of 2022. Just feels more heroic.
Long-Term Tendencies
They haven't been around long enough to have tendencies, never mind long-term ones, and yet there’s this: Miami has under-performed on the attacking side every season of their existence – sometimes woefully and, yes, that very much applied to the first two-thirds of 2023 – and they’ve barely been better in defense. Didn’t see that coming, really…
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| Just acknowledging the risks... |
Identity: The Nouveau Riche. That or The Expendables. [Ed. – see the Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition section below.]
Joy Points: 0, i.e., they broke even, much like Charlotte FC. Think there's a lesson in there, fwiw.
A Half Dozen Names to Know [Ed. – Nah]
Despite coming up with a plausible short-list – one that included all-time leading scorers Leonardo Campana and Gonzalo Higuain, and semi-notable flops like Rodolfo Pizarro (their first big playmaking gamble) and Matias Pelligrini (their first attempt at drafting the next big thing) – I decided that Miami 1) hasn’t been around long enough, 2) has changed so much over that short time, and, mostly importantly, 3) hasn’t actually accomplished all that much. One curiosity to point out: if you pull up Inter Miami CF’s all-time roster and sort the “Goals” column you’ll see a fucking cliff after Gonzalo Higuain and Campana. (Also, to anyone wondering why I keep typing Gonzalo Higuain’s full name, it’s because Federico Higuain played with them for the first two seasons.)
Where They Finished in 2023 & What the Past Says About That, If Anything
27th overall, nine points below the Eastern Conference playoff line and, if memory serves, with Messi on the bench for large parts of it. As much as he did for Miami in the Leagues Cup, the GOAT has scored just one goal for Miami in regular season play so far. I respect and admire Messi as much as the next fan (though probably not enough to kick the head off a cardboard cut out of him if he failed to show up for a game I paid for), but it would still be absolutely hysterical if he flopped in fucking MLS, of all leagues. Knowing just how much that would make Don Garber die inside would be its own reward.
Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition
It is almost impossible to fully describe the combined state of optimism and fear around this team – and one would have to come up with entirely new adjective because “ambitious” simply doesn’t cut it. Before I cut against the fairly-logical grain, before I cast aspersions on the belief that Miami is destined to win one or more trophies in 2024 – a belief that sometimes reads like Pravda at peak Soviet confidence – I want to acknowledge the following:
1) There are some very good non-marquee players on this team – e.g., Taylor, goalkeeper Drake Callender (who I'd give a kidney to have Portland sign), Gregore and Mota, for as long as both stay healthy, and I though Sergii Kryvstov looked credible enough, etc.
2) Messi really is a global, generational talent and, while he’s definitely getting up there in years, and all the travel and turf will surely take it out of him, I have watched Diego Chara out-run Father Time for – what? – four years now? Maybe five? Moreover, being a Timber means Chara has played over half those countless games on turf. Maybe the knocks at the end of 2023 and his sputtering start to 2024 won’t matter in the long-run. Moreover, MLS’s (overly) generous playoff format gives Miami every reason to play Messi strategically and to limit his minutes. And I want to make one very important point here: when they do, don’t blame Messi, because he’s not the asshole in this scenario. Blame the local ticket-merchant monopoly for plundering your wallet when Miami comes to town, because that’s on those vampires, not him.
3) It’s not like Busquets, Alba, Campana, Luis Suarez, Callender, Gregore, and, hell, DeAndre Yedlin and the newly-signed Julian Gressel are trash.
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| He gets it... |
Bottom-line, I don’t know what’s going to happen with Miami in 2024. What I am saying – scratch that, what I am arguing – the decision to lean on older players always comes with risks. Moreover, MLS’s regular season is stupid fucking long, Miami always had more than its share of "bonus competitions," and the league is already whipping this team all over the goddamn globe in the spirit of one of those old rock-‘n’-roll package tours that killed Buddy Holly, Big Bopper and Richie Valens. I, like you, will be stunned if Miami doesn’t make the 2024 playoffs. I might laugh harder if they do, but that’s just how I do. I'll be less stunned if they exit 2024 without at least one trophy to call their own, but the over-arching argument boils down to the simple fact that I’m more dubious about this whole project than most people seem to be.
* Joy Point Index
Winning the CONCACAF Champions’ League: 5 points
Claiming Supporters’ Shield : 4 points
Winning MLS Cup: 3 points
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2 points
Winning the U.S. Open Cup: 2 points
Winning CONCACAF Champions Cup: 2 points
MLS Is Back Cup: 2 points (yeah, yeah, I’m a Timbers fan; still, that was a tough one)
CONCACAF Champions League Semifinalist: 1 point
Making the Playoffs: 1 point
Missing the Playoffs: -1 point
Missing Playoffs in 1996-97, 2002-2004 (when 80% of the league qualified): - 2 points
Wooden Spoon: -3 points
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