MLS Week 5: Surprises, Pleasant and Unpleasant

Do, or eat, the things that make you happy.

Grand Narrative

First, we’re in the magical time on Major League Soccer’s calendar when nearly every team can talk themselves into believing they’ve got a shot at something better than last season. Hell, they’ve got Minnesota United FC as a live example. That has a lot of teams playing wide open and I love that like Paula Dean loves butter!

Some teams play open and wild and don't go far as they'd like – I’d lump Chicago Fire FC and, if they had any other way of playing besides pedal-to-the-metal, I’d go with DC United and St. Louis CITY FC – and, on the flip side of the same token, that’s why you’re seeing some hot names from 2023 continuing to smolder in 2024, aka, the Ohio teams, aka, FC Cincinnati, Columbus Crew SC. That doesn’t mean there aren’t some surprises, pleasant and unpleasant – beyond Minnesota, you’ve got Red Bull New York, Toronto FC, and a rejuvenated Los Angeles Galaxy team on the pleasant side, and Inter Miami CF on the unpleasant side, because fuck those guys – but I’m still seeing at lot of the usual suspects careening this way and that in the demolition derby already taking shape in the middle of the table.

Even so, the biggest surprises arguably lurk at the bottom of both conferences. I mean, yes, of course you have the San Jose Earthquakes and Austin FC in their natural state (sucking wind, lagging behind), but dream of the riches you’d see had you bet anyone that the Seattle Sounders and New England Revolution would be at the bottom of their respective conferences and playing like they’ll be rooted there for some time.

That’s it for the preamble, only the round-up remains. I believe the format explains itself with the exception of the symbols you’ll see after each result below (all of which include a link to The Mothership’s game summary for the relevant match). Here those are:

* more or less skipped it, coasting on the fumes of past impressions.

(H) – I watched the highlights and checked the box score to update the opinion.

({Numbers]) – those represent the parts of the full game I watched, before raiding the box score.

Whoops, forgot something. I’ve added a little explainer at the top of each result to speak to why I chose one game for extended viewing but skipped another. With that, away we go…

<Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.>

New England Revolution 1-1 Chicago Fire FC (1st 60 minutes)

[Why this one? It was on, I had time, etc.]

The Game in One Sentence: If I’m being honest, both teams look less interesting with each passing week and for opposite reason – i.e., Chicago because…just recent history and I don’t trust the sum of their parts yet and the Revs because Caleb Porter (upon whom I wish eternal failure) hasn’t figured out how to get the team playing the way he wants.

One Thing You Might Not Know: The Revs have played from a goal down in every game so far this season and in a way that remind me of a dog agonizing with a treat on the tip of his nose before his owner gives the okay – only unlike the dog, all that self-denial isn’t doing shit for the Revs.

Present Operational Theory re New England: Their first point of 2024 still feels like defeat. Chicago didn’t have to do much to rattle them. There’s just something wrong with this team.

Present Operational Theory re Chicago: This shout will feel more specific than general, but Fabian Herbers was the Fire’s spirit animal in this game – and they need that raw, “holy fuck, I play for my job every damn day” energy more than they need Xherdan Shaqiri’s exquisite technique right now. [NOTE: I kept this from last week because they looked like an equal or better to the Revs…the question is what that means for 2024.]

Red Bull New York 4-0 Inter Miami CF (H)

[NOTE: Oh, how I wanted to watch this game, just to see Miami eat four goals worth of shit…]

The Highlights in One Sentence: It looks like Miami had a brimming handful of chances, but Lewis Morgan – who, for the record, strikes me as vital to Red Bull’s prospects for 2024 – played himself a worldie.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Gods only know how the Red Bulls keep pumping wins out of the paltry number of shots they so often post. It’s anti-soccer, for sure, but it sucks less when they have the talent to pretty it up.

Present Operational Theory re Red Bulls: I may or may not be buying Red Bull stock, but I’m also shorting half of the Eastern Conference because I believe the Red Bulls early returns.

Present Operational Theory re Miami: This could be the hate talking, but dubbing them presumptive Supporters’ Shield winners seems premature.

Charlotte FC 2-0 Columbus Crew SC (H)

[Why not this one? Heard it got weird/wild, but I feel like I know where these teams are.]

The Highlights in One Sentence: Or rather I did feel like I know where these teams are because, bullshit refereeing aside - the Derrick Jones red card; for sure, but this chump/ref shouldn’t call another game above high school – Charlotte locked down the champs better than some reports and whispers suggested, but they won on two (high quality) goals – and they damn-skippy should have gone up early but for the miracle miss by Brecht Dejaegere.

One Thing You Might Not Know: The MLS Highlights Team have an incredible knack for focusing on the wrong things – e.g., showing at least two replays of Cucho Hernandez’s “goal” instead of, say, replays that would clarify whether Malte Amundsen was offside or not on the same play. Scabs abound, basically…

Present Operational Theory re Charlotte: While I don’t see them Winning the League or anything, color me Charlotte-curious. They look like a pain-in-the-ass to play, if nothing else.

Present Operational Theory re Columbus: Hard done by in this one, but still fine and still almost certainly Cup-competitive.

Actually, no, I am not entertained.

FC Cincinnati 1-0 New York City FC (H)

[Why not this one? This was a very Cincy result and NYC was on the road. Where they are bad.]

The Highlights in One Sentence: The teams didn’t combine for a lot of shots, but they made over half of them count; both ‘keepers had to make strong saves, but it was Luciano Acosta who fired the winner that NYC’s Matt Freese couldn’t keep out.

One Thing You Might Not Know: The fucking MLS Highlights Team continued its fascination with devoting long stretches of a seven-minute clip to watching a referee watch a monitor (again), but they did capture some special moments from Cincy’s newcomer, Luca Orellano, who looks like he’ll replace Alvaro Barreal reasonably well.

Present Operational Theory re Cincy: So…they’re at the top of the league table again.

Present Operational Theory re NYCFC, amended from March 18: It’s possible they’re turning it around, but playing away to Cincinnati makes it damn hard to tell how they’ll do against “normal” teams in normal circumstances - especially with how bad NYC sucks on the road.

Orlando City SC 2-0 Austin FC (H)

[Why not this one? Feels like it could be explained by “Austin sucks.”]

The Highlights in One Sentence: The numbers, video, just everything says Orlando straight-up ran over Austin – and, with the way he starred in the highlights, there’s no goddamn way Austin’s Brad Stuver made just five saves.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Somehow, Austin is not the worst team in MLS. They’re not even second-worst. Those honors go to New England, then Seattle, then NYCFC by goal-differential. Woo!

Present Operational Theory re Orlando: This win beats a kick in the head on every level, but it’s still hard to feel impressed by it, because…

Present Operational Theory re Austin: Why bother searching for the right words when Matt Doyle got it exactly right: “With all due respect to New England, Austin are clear favorites to win the Wooden Spoon. There’s nothing this team does well at the moment.”

Toronto FC 2-0 Atlanta United FC (20-40; 60-75)

[Why this one? To see what’s going on with Atlanta, a team I perhaps rate too highly.]

The Game in One Sentence: Elegantly as Atlanta played (and play, generally), their short-staffed lineup – e.g., no Thiago Almada, no Giorgios Giakoumakis, not Caleb Wiley - couldn’t withstand Toronto’s superior drive and Federico Bernardeschi finally giving a shit (and maybe vaping in the locker room); that said, Toronto’s insurance goal got an assist from Atlanta’s insistence on playing out of the back through a flurry of shots.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Tristan Muyumba looks like a very, very good player…but he also totally clocked Shane O’Neill, if with zero visible ill-intent, and sent him out of the game.

Present Operational Theory re Toronto: Without getting too far carried away, they’re getting real results and head coach John Herdman does seem to have buy-in from the players; think they finally shed the skin from the Bradley/Bradley era.

Present Operational Theory re Atlanta: They’re not bad with the depth, but they’re definitely better with all-hands on deck…and yet, there they are four points below Toronto and five points of Cincinnati’s pace. Elegance only seems to produce results in torrid one-night stands.

Vancouver Whitecaps 1-2 Real Salt Lake (10-40; 55-80)

[Why this one? The Timbers play Vancouver next weekend, also fascinated by RSL.]

The Game in One Sentence: RSL’s game-winning goal sums it up nicely; Vancouver played a stubborn, somewhat opportunistic game, and that looked like enough here and there, but RSL kept coming at them, on and off the ball – and I came away impressed…and a little shook.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Vancouver might be road warriors this season; both wins came at home and they picked up just one point from two at home.

Present Operational Theory re Vancouver: After watching them play…yeah, I’m scrambled. They’ve got tough to beat written all over ‘em, it’s the other side I’m not seeing.

Present Operational Theory re RSL, only slightly altered from two weeks ago: Some players on this team rank among my favorites at their position in all of MLS (yes, all of MLS), e.g., Pablo Ruiz, Matias Vera, and Chicho Arango, and the version of that lives in my head feels a little disappointed at RSL’s start. The Vancouver win took a bit of that away.

Sporting Kansas City 2-3 Los Angeles Galaxy (H)

[Why not this one? Rightly or wrongly, I feel current on both teams.]

The Highlights in One Sentence: The highlights made it look like the Galaxy versus the offside flag, but they broke through on two of them (and, just to note it, the offside even went up on Mark Delgado’s winner) and surely broke some hearts in what looked like a valiant performance by SKC.

One Thing You Might Not Know: SKC has had a tough early schedule (@ HOU, v PHI, @ LAFC, v SJ, v LAG) and they piled on the chances here, in what probably counted as an early must-win.

Present Operational Theory re SKC: I’ll circle back when the season arrives at that “you are your record” moment, but I’m not sure I expect to see anything different from Sporting KC.

Present Operational Theory re the Galaxy: This could be the most balanced Galaxy team in a decade; certainly more so than the Zlatan-era – and they’re one of just four teams without a loss in 2024 (the other three: FC Cincy, Minnesota United FC, and…St Louis).

St. Louis CITY FC 2-2 DC United (H)

[Why not this one? I already know they play ugly and I low-key hate both teams.]

The Highlights in One Sentence: Ugly as expected (passing accuracy was 71.8% v 62%, respectively), but, as much as it pains me to admit it, this did look like a fun game and Alex Bono likely saved DC’s asses, despite his atrocious early mistake (gotta dig through the highlights to see it).

One Thing You Might Not Know: If you look up in this section, and then down, that’s pretty much everything I’ve got.

Present Operational Theory re St. Louis (unchanged, fwiw): With the speed and effectiveness with which they constrict space, I’ll be stunned if they miss the playoffs. Which I’ll hate because they play ugly and whine so, so much.

Present Operational Theory re DC: To riff on this a bit (from Matt Doyle), “D.C. have shown a high level of commitment and resilience thus far in the young season, against what I think is one of the toughest schedules anybody’s played,” that is the bright side of my doubts about them, because I haven’t seen anything from DC to make me think they’ll play anything but wrecking-ball soccer – i.e., I see them as limited.

Colorado Rapids 0-1 Houston Dynamo FC *

Present Operational Theory re Colorado: They’ve been on the road three of four games. Not that their home form helped them last season…and it didn’t help them here either. La plus ca change…

Present Operational Theory re Houston, gently amended from March 4, 2024: Olsen and improved personnel have them playing good stuff, even without Hector Herrera and the (functional) No. 9 they crave; that’s usually enough to somewhere – 7th in the West in this case, after two straight wins.

Los Angeles FC 5-0 Nashville SC (1-25; 45-to the red card, ~both goals)

[Why this one? I have major doubts about Nashville, but they don’t get blown out often.]

The Game in One Sentence: LAFC came out like a team with a fix-level craving for a win and, admirably as Nashville adjusted to that vibe throughout the game…if to a very specific point, they either just plain couldn’t keep up or all their good bits happened outside the window I watched; Joe Willis deserved the red card (it wasn’t close), and the third and fourth goals Nashville allowed go a long way to explaining how they just kind of collapsed in this one.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Brett Kallman looked pretty damn good out there, despite the score-line.

Present Operational Theory re LAFC, amended from the March 18 post: (Old Note) I feel like we’re getting to the point when it may make sense to start asking questions like…are you all right, LAFC? (New Note) Because it’s LAFC and I don’t think they’re done building the roster, I’m inclined to trust this result, even as I question its magnitude.

Present Operational Theory re Nashville: Not having Walker Zimmerman has to hurt, but, I can hear this team bumping against its ceiling from Portland.

Dreaming of bon mots...

Portland Timbers 1-3 Philadelphia Union (Whole miserable damn experience; please endure my extended notes)

The Game in One Sentence: I’m going to go ahead and put this result on the Timbers, 1) for the (fucking) stupid goals they allowed and 2) for the way they ran headlong into the trap the Union set with that brick of a middle-block; when a team goes out of its usual approach, the team with the opportunity to play to its own strengths needs to make it count.

One Thing You Might Not Know: The Timbers dominated possession in a way that they rarely do; 68/32 is broken-clock level rare…and they had so very little to show for it.

Present Operational Theory re Portland: Per a long paragraph in my extended notes, I have…let’s call them real questions about how the Timbers organize the center of its midfield, but I’m going to quote Phil Neville to speak to the issue (though not the personnel question): “Who was the better footballing side? I thought we were by far, but it's not always about technical abilities. It's about the mentality to win games of football. It's about doing the dirty work well. I felt that our mentality in trying to win the game was lacking.” This is why I don’t think Portland can keep starting Evander and Williamson. Neither player does the thing Phil wants/needs them to.

Present Operational Theory re Philly: It’s time to see what they do in their 2024 post-CONCACAF-Champions’-Cup era.

San Jose Earthquakes 3-2 Seattle Sounders (H)

[Why not this one? Badly as I wanted to celebrate Seattle’s pain/achingly slow start, how much mystery can there be about losing to San Jose?]

The Game in One Sentence: The Sounders let the game get far enough away from them – e.g., so much napping on the job – that even a craptastic afternoon from San Jose’s Paul Marie (who gave up a (frankly weird) penalty kick and got beat on Seattle’s immediately-useless equalizer) could rescue a point for them; at least we know who’s bought the drinks for the ‘Quakes after this one.

One Thing You Might Not Know: Can you remember the last time you heard Jordan Morris’ name, or when you’ve seen a bread-and-butter player like Cristian Roldan switch off in the middle of an obvious threat?

Present Operational Theory re San Jose: Following up on prior notes – i.e., “pray for Jeremy Ebobisse, pray for Cristian Espinoza” – it was great to see both players get on the scoreboard. Is this progress, or is it just 2024 Seattle?

Present Operational Theory re Seattle: They’re not losing by much when they do, but this loss has to feel like a sobering shot to the pills for a team that hasn’t seen a lot of failure in MLS.

That’s it for this week. As for next week…yeah, pretty sure my personal schedule’s buggered enough to where I have to test-drive another approach. Also, I’m going to meet the week after (MLS Week 7, at least on my calendar) on the grounds I’ll be out of town, eclipse chasing. So, see you with…something in Week 6, then again in Week 8.