MLS Week 29, Form Guide ULTRA: Building a Team Is Building a Dream

We need animals (who look like they've had plastic surgery) in our lives.

[Ed. -again, this post is like an iceberg - most of it lurks down in the InfoBoxes (aka, just really basic tables) below. Those track the last 10 results for each team in Major League Soccer, including who they played, where, and the quality of the opposition. I divide quality by this broad metric: “IN” = teams in the playoffs, or projected to get there; “OUT” = means those seemingly touched by doom; and “Marginal” designates teams that bounce between those two camps.]

First, yeah, yeah, Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored something weird and delightful, but it was in a lost cause - and, barring a miracle for both teams. The Los Angeles Galaxy blows another shot at bare competence? Rah, rah. Toronto FC beat them on the field (5-3), and to missing out on bare competence. That happened about a month ago, with that draw at the Earthquakes. Zlatan’s goal was the only thing that made this one memorable. Now, to the games that did matter in MLS’s Week…29? (I mean, I’m looking at The Family Bible and only, like, five teams have played their 29th game, so kindly understand my confusion). Anyway, here are the results (writ large) that mattered - and in order too.

TCOB, Motherfucker, Goddammit.

Sporting Kansas City rolled into San Jose and smacked the crap out of the ‘Quakes, 5-1. They flat-out rolled San Jose’s entire defense at least twice (the goal behind the first link is awesome, with writing credit to Felipe Gutierrez), and the player’s they’ve brought in as upgrades - Johnny Russell, Gutierrez (when healthy), and, tonight, Gerso Fernando - showed all the way up tonight, as they have all season, if not always all the time. The one layer of “bite” SKC has behind its attacking corps - Roger Espinoza and Ilie Sanchez - means they can get away with some gaps in defense (Graham Zusi, allegedly); that goes double with Tim Melia holding down the goal. Moreover, they’ve got more attacking options beyond the players named above, and that’s why, all in all, I think SKC looks as “real” as any team in MLS.

You know who doesn’t have options, attacking or otherwise? My Portland Timbers. The team pretty much laid down and died around the 72nd minute last Saturday in a 1-4 loss on the road against the Houston Dynamo. To give Houston their due, Alberth Elis had the kind of game of which he’s capable, but they’re also absolutely doomed this season, and that makes it hard to give that necessary next shit about keeping up with them. The same might apply to the Timbers before we know it. This loss, along with other recent struggles, underlines the Timbers’ built-in limitations. They’ve got, at most, 4-5 consistent attacking players (Sebastian Blanco, Diego Valeri, Samuel Armenteros…uh, Larrys Mabiala? (Shit! I wasn’t wrong! Jeremy Ebobisse?), wow, make 3-4. That makes you, 1) really appreciate how good Blanco and Valeri have been, and 2) how easy it becomes to take just three guys out of the game.

MLS 2018 Week 7: 10 Things, 2 Games, and 1 Grim Tiding

I need MLS to be a better product. In spite of the similarities...

How to attack this week’s pile of games? First of all and, as usual, I watched the now-usual Portland Timbers v. [TEAM], plus two other games - which, this week, included Atlanta United FC v. New York City FC and Vancouver Whitecaps v. Los Angeles FC. I have notes about and links to both down below, but...to the task at hand…

OK, full disclosure: I ran out of steam last night. It happened during one of those monster preambles and, no, stopping right there; preambles are for posts that draw more than 25 page views. With that, I’m going to list 10 things that stood out in the weekend’s games - hopefully stuff you’re not seeing elsewhere (but, that’s OK too). I’ll wrap up with extended notes on the two non-Timbers games I watched (see above), and here’s a link to my write-up on the Timbers’ squeaky-bum win over Minnesota. I’ll see what my 10 talking points leave hanging, and might squeeze in a quick, more or less global wrap-up, one that leads with where Portland fits into the big picture, but that’ll be it. OK, 10 things about Major League Soccer Week 7….swear to fuckin’ Gahd they’re counting goofy.

10) Darling. Just to say it, I’m just fucking dying to know how Atlanta fans feel about Darlington Nagbe. I mention the beauty goal he scored down below, one that got called back (for good reason), but any Portland Timbers fan watching this game would recognize every run he made. And probably tear up a little.

9) Derbies. New York derbies are gonna be fantastic this season. LA derbies won’t suck either. Things don’t look so tight up here in Cascadia yet, but…give it time. Or, y’know, fuck it. Off year.

8) Haves and Have Nots. NYCFC deserves special mention, not just for that magnificent little war they played against Atlanta, but because they just kicked the shit out of Real Salt Lake at home just 5 days prior. I gush about David Villa down below, but the RSL win showed what they can do without Villa (plenty). And some of the numbers versus…just holy shit: 665 passes to 374; 26 shots, 8 on goal versus 11 shots, 5 on goal. The gap between NYCFC and RSL is a matter of class. (ouch.)

The Late Tackle 01 18 2017: On Deploying Porter's Boys, Hot Teams and a Hot Prospect

You'll get there, tiger!

In case anyone hasn’t spotted it yet, I want to draw attention to a little something to the left of MLSSoccer.com’s home page. See it? Portland v. NY Red Bulls, January 27, 2017, Preseason. That’s just over a week away. Next Friday, in fact. Bastards better at least stream that one, because jonesin’.

Of which, with an eye to cutting down on bar costs (he told his wife), I picked up the cord-cutters version of cable, Sling TV. I’ll let interested parties know how I feel about it.

Back to that first preseason game, I’m just now thinking about the kind of team I want to see Caleb Porter field for that preseason opener, and I find myself torn. As much as I want new/younger players and the T2 call-ups (e.g., Rennico Clarke…and there’s no “e” at the end, right?) to get real tryouts during the preseason – especially in defense, and especially if Portland hasn’t added new personnel by then – but I think I’d rather see Porter at least start what he envisions as his starting eleven for this first game, to just sort establish an average for the season (as in bowling) and to figure out how to beat it later. I’ll be providing input all season long…even if it goes unheeded…pearls of wisdom, spurn’d and unclaim’d.

That’s the “first time” for the 2017 season, but the U.S. Men’s National Team’s friendlies against Serbia and Jamaica follow shortly thereafter, too, and I’m actually interested in the friendlies this year, feel like they’ll be building toward something less irritating than under Jurgen Klinsmann, etc. Then fer-reals real preseason starts with the month of February. We’re sliding into home, people, the regular season that, at times, seems like it’ll never end, even as it feels like it started years ago.

Eminently-mockable as MLS’s regular season is, it’s precisely the length of the thing that makes it feel like “normal.” By that I mean I feel a little antsy, even weird, during the off-season.

On to other things of note…

The Late Tackle, 12 08 2016: Still More MLS Cup Crap, Players Moving, Players Departing, and an Understudy Rising?

Looks like he's been crying. Or he's just drunk.

You know the drill: MLS Cup dominates, while the 18 (or 20) other Major League Soccer teams quietly start figuring out how they’ll knock the eventual champion off its pedestal. Circle of life, etc.

More MLS Cup Crap

For all that it might not come through, I’m actually pretty excited about this year’s MLS Cup. I’ve got a clear, strong voter interest (which, my luck, spells a Seattle Sounders win, goddammit). Whatever happened with them all season long (e.g. Seattle sucking for 2/3 of it), both teams hit the final playing well and, on top of that, each team’s stars are shining. That goes for the attacking players as much as anybody, which could explain why Goal.com’s predictions post sees goals, goals, goals in MLS fans’ future (to be fair, one prediction only gets to “goal, goal” and, also of interest, gives both to Seattle). A related article, this one a compare/contrast between Jozy Altidore and Jordan Morris, sticks with a similar focus.

I’ll put up more thorough personal theories tomorrow (good lord willing), but part of me wonders how much faith in high scoring grows from a form of recency bias. Some articles talk about loosely about how either team attacks (great!) and defends, but without much discussion/acknowledgement of particular circumstances. For instance, how much of the “vulnerability” in Toronto FC’s defense grew from the Montreal Impact series alone? Isn’t it just as important, if not more important, to note that they shut out New York City FC in their first round series, while also allowing 19 fewer goals through the length of the regular season, as was noted in a write-up on Drew Moor’s move to/upgrading of Toronto’s “rugged” defense. (Alternately, is it rugged and vulnerable, y’know, like how Daniel Craig played James Bond in the last Bond flick?) The point could be right or wrong, but the basic assumption tracks a logic similar to writing up a “what happened to Lodeiro” piece based on Seattle’s series against the Colorado Rapids (related: Have you watched that tape, Toronto? Can you watch that? Please?).

Or, to crawl out of the other side of the rabbit hole, maybe Nick Hagglund will give away a cheap goal, as noted in a “young players to watch” post I read (Hagglund made the cut and, in fairness, he is genuinely of interest). By the same token, maybe he scores a goal and gets an assist, too. (Or maybe Montreal didn’t game-plan Hagglund fer shit?)

At any rate, yeah, looking forward to MLS Cup Saturday. Now, looking elsewhere…