 |
| We need animals (who look like they've had plastic surgery) in our lives. |
[Ed. -again, this post is like an iceberg - most of it lurks
down in the InfoBoxes (aka, just really basic tables) below. Those track the last 10
results for each team in Major League Soccer, including who they played, where,
and the quality of the opposition. I divide quality by this broad metric: “IN”
= teams in the playoffs, or projected to get there; “OUT” = means those seemingly
touched by doom; and “Marginal” designates teams that bounce between those two
camps.]
First, yeah, yeah, Zlatan Ibrahimovic scored something weird and delightful, but it was in a lost cause - and, barring a miracle for both teams. The Los Angeles Galaxy blows another shot at bare competence? Rah,
rah. Toronto FC beat them on the field (5-3), and to missing out on bare competence.
That happened about a month ago, with that draw at the Earthquakes. Zlatan’s
goal was the only thing that made this one memorable. Now, to the games that
did matter in MLS’s Week…29? (I mean, I’m looking at The Family Bible and only,
like, five teams have played their 29th game, so kindly understand my confusion). Anyway, here are the
results (writ large) that mattered - and in order too.
TCOB, Motherfucker, Goddammit.
Sporting Kansas City rolled into San Jose and smacked the crap out of the ‘Quakes, 5-1. They flat-out rolled San Jose’s entire defense at least twice (the goal behind the first link is awesome, with writing credit to Felipe
Gutierrez), and the player’s they’ve brought in as upgrades - Johnny Russell,
Gutierrez (when healthy), and, tonight, Gerso Fernando - showed all the way up
tonight, as they have all season, if not always all the time. The one layer of “bite”
SKC has behind its attacking corps - Roger Espinoza and Ilie Sanchez - means
they can get away with some gaps in defense (Graham Zusi, allegedly); that goes
double with Tim Melia holding down the goal. Moreover, they’ve got more
attacking options beyond the players named above, and that’s why, all in all, I
think SKC looks as “real” as any team in MLS.
You know who doesn’t have options, attacking or otherwise?
My Portland Timbers. The team pretty much laid down and died around the 72nd
minute last Saturday in a 1-4 loss on the road against the Houston Dynamo. To give
Houston their due, Alberth Elis had the kind of game of which he’s capable, but
they’re also absolutely doomed this season, and that makes it hard to give that
necessary next shit about keeping up with them. The same might apply to the
Timbers before we know it. This loss, along with other recent struggles,
underlines the Timbers’ built-in limitations. They’ve got, at most, 4-5
consistent attacking players (Sebastian Blanco, Diego Valeri, Samuel Armenteros…uh,
Larrys Mabiala? (Shit! I wasn’t wrong! Jeremy Ebobisse?), wow, make 3-4. That
makes you, 1) really appreciate how good Blanco and Valeri have been, and 2)
how easy it becomes to take just three guys out of the game.
Portland plays a fairly defensive formation (as discussed at length here), and they still can’t make results stand-up. They’ve tried to get
the best out of new additions like Cristhian Paredes, Andy Polo and Andres
Flores, but none of those guys have panned out in any meaningful full way (feel
free to @ me on that one), and the team called back Lucas Melano to…what?
Finish kicking the shit out of his self-confidence? Or are they gonna play him
at some point?
With the playoffs inching closer, these combined results struck
me as this week’s biggest thing. When SKC takes the field, they can think about
the kinds of changes they can make if Plan A doesn’t pan out; meanwhile, when
Portland takes the stage it's, “Plan A better fucking work.” Bottom line: the
Timbers are a mid-table team, and with nowhere to go but luck.
The Result of the Week, and From a Similar Playbook
I’d call the Montreal Impact’s 4-1 romp (for it was that)
against the Philadelphia Union, in Philly, the biggest single result of this
weekend. With Montreal surviving the tougher schedule (4-3-3 over their last
10), it was always worth asking what would happen when these teams met up. Montreal
fields a pretty defensive set up - much like Portland (and this might have been
more defensive than usual) - but, with Ignacio Piatti and Alenjandro Silva
leading the line, they looked better than “likely to score”: they looked mildly terrifying. Silva’s just one of L’Impact’s new signings (think this guy is the
other) and the extent to which they’re driving Montreal’s rise bears watching. As
I argued in a couple settings, Philly needed this game to keep up the belief;
this felt like a big result.
Last thing on this game: if you haven’t seen Auston Trusty
score his first-ever MLS goal, it’s cute as a baby animal. The kid’s fucking
delighted and it’s awesome.
A Nap in Dallas
While I know that overstates things a bit - both the box
score and the highlight suggest a good night for Columbus Crew SC in its 0-0 draw away to FC Dallas - I swear to God that I heard sarcasm in one of the
broadcaster’s voice when he said, “this is dangerous” as Gyasi Zardes surged
toward goal bouncing the ball off a couple body parts. Both these teams are as good
and loosely-effectual as your standard-issue, married middle-aged man. I’m not
going to dig back far enough to figure out exactly what I predicted for this
game, but this result felt fitting in all the saddest ways. I can’t see any
teams in MLS throwing either team around, but Michael Barrios seems like the
only guy with ideas for FC Dallas, while Columbus is just sort of “meh” by
committee. There’s nothing to get really excited about either team, either good
or bad.
You Get a Car, and You Get a Car, and You Get a Car!
The Vancouver Whitecaps generated 20+ chances against the Seattle
Sounders, but only five of them on goal (and that won’t look right if you watch
the highlights). I think they had two off the post - which someone just
informed me doesn’t count as “on goal” (and I don’t believe him, because that’s
wrong) - and I’d say they got Seattle’s defense outright scrambling on at least
two chances, both of which record as shots, but not shots on goal, even though the danger was arguably greater. That’s on top of the Kei Kamara scoring a Kei Kamara special…but
none of that matters when this happens, because that’s how you lose a game 2-1.
It’s up to Philly to stop Seattle’s winning streak, which is fueled by pure
evil (they’ve got horcruxes somewhere). All in all, though, Seattle stands as
another example of how far a team can go with a solid defense and just enough
on the attacking side. Or the blood of 30 virgins for the players to “cool off”
in after every game.
Revenants
DC United had a solid weekend, winning one of those “must-wins”
you need to just keep up appearances on Wednesday (over Minnesota United FC 2-1 in DC), then drawing the New York Red Bulls 3-3 on Sunday. Credit DC for the
four point weekend, absolutely; Wayne Rooney underscores how seriously he’s
taking his time in the States with every game (and watch what happens to the
Red Bulls’ shape when he lingers closer to midfield on this goal), and, with Rooney
and Luciano Acosta all but finishing each another’s sentences, things look
reasonable all right for DC. I mean, they have something
to cheer about (unlike Portland fans)…but, they did it again. The Red Bulls, I
mean. They rode the back of Bradley Wright-Phillips to get it tonight (I call
this a “somersault bike”), but RBNY just keep getting positive results. The
warning signs are there - the defense looked static AF tonight, even if just in
the highlights, with both centerbacks committing gaffes that make amateurs
blush - but, again, like the housing market circa 2007, I’m going to putting a
massive hold on RBNY. Until they go to shit. Gonna be interesting…
And, before I miss it, I don’t care what Zlatan did: this is my goal of the week. Oh, and here are the rest of the week’s results:
Colorado Rapids 0-3 Atlanta United FC
Real Salt Lake 1-1 Minnesota
Los Angeles FC 1-1 New England Revolution
I didn’t dig into any of those on the grounds that they kind
of just sit there. All the same, I want to link to all the results for the
reference of anyone who wants it; those will also be the last links in this
post (per new site policy). And that’s it for the narrative portion; now comes
the madness. There are Infoboxes on every team in MLS down below, plus notes as
well. I’m really trying to tighten those up, get them perfect for next season.
IN
ATLANTA, 17-5-6, 57
points, 59 gf, 33 ga, (8-2-4 home, 9-3-2 away)
6-2-2; 22 gf, 13 ga, 2-0-2 at home; 4-2-0 away
Record v. IN: LWW
Record v. OUT: DWDWLW
Record v. Marginal: W
LAST 10/STATUS:
They lose the odd game - some of them REALLY odd - but they also win all the
matches they’re supposed and look like one of the few actual contenders. The
road ahead should help with their confidence.
Games left: @ SJ, v RSL, @ RBNY, v NE, v CHI, @ TFC
L
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
@ FCD
|
@ PHI
|
v SEA
|
v DC
|
@ MTL
|
v TFC
|
v CLB
|
@ ORL
|
@ DC
|
@ COL
|
2-3
|
2-0
|
1-1
|
3-1
|
2-1
|
2-2
|
3-1
|
2-1
|
1-3
|
3-0
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
M
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
COLUMBUS, 12-8-8, 44
points, 35 gf, 34 ga (9-2-3 home, 3-6-5 away)
5-3-2, 13 gf, 18 ga, 4-0-0 at home, 1-3-2 away
Record v. IN: LLWLWD
Record v. OUT: WWD
Record v. Marginal: W
LAST 10/STATUS:
Given their recent run of games, they’re doing all right. That said, the only impressive
win in their last 10 games came against the Red Bulls. They measure out as
good, but not actually good - and I’d call the last three results a pretty
sound Rosetta Stone for translating their level. They have a soft enough
landing to be safe, but I don’t see them having a higher gear.
Games left: @ PTD, v COL, v PHI, @ MTL, @ ORL, v MIN
W
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
v RSL
|
@ LAG
|
@ NYC
|
v ORL
|
@ RB
|
v HOU
|
@ ATL
|
@ CHI
|
v NYC
|
@ FCD
|
2-1
|
0-4
|
0-2
|
3-2
|
3-2
|
1-0
|
1-3
|
1-1
|
2-1
|
0-0
|
M
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
DALLAS, 14-6-8, 50
points, 47 gf, 37 ga (9-1-5 home, 5-5-3 away)
4-3-3, 19 gf, 18 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 1-2-2 away
Record v. IN: WD
Record v. OUT: WDLLWDLW
LAST 10/STATUS:
A case where it’s important to look past that 4-3-3 run over their past 10
games: they’re playing weaker teams, San Jose has their number, and they’re
just…a well-organize team with some attacking ideas. How they do in their next
two games will say a lot about them…even with Portland insisting on cluttering
up the picture.
Games left: @VAN, @ POR, v ORL, @ DC, v SKC, @ COL
W
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
v CHI
|
@ HOU
|
@SKC
|
v SJ
|
@ SEA
|
v MIN
|
@ HOU
|
@ SJ
|
v HOU
|
v CLB
|
3-1
|
1-1
|
3-2
|
1-3
|
1-2
|
2-0
|
1-1
|
3-4
|
4-2
|
0-0
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
LAFC, 13-7-8, 47
points, 55 gf, 43 ga (7-1-6 home, 6-6-2 away)
3-3-4, 14 gf, 15 ga, 2-1-3 at home, 1-2-1 away
Record v. IN: WDLLWD
Record v. OUT: LLW
Record v. Marginal: D
LAST 10/STATUS:
Every time you think this team has patched the ship and is sailing it to the
right star, they draw New England at home. They MIGHT be one of the teams that
can turn it on, but I think the holes are starting to show and tell.
Games left: v SJ, @ CHI, @ COL, v HOU, v VAN, @ SKC
D
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
v POR
|
@ MIN
|
v LA
|
@ RB
|
v SKC
|
v RSL
|
v COL
|
@ LA
|
@ TFC
|
v NE
|
0-0
|
1-5
|
2-2
|
1-2
|
0-2
|
2-0
|
2-0
|
1-1
|
4-2
|
1-1
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
M
|
NYCFC, 14-8-7, 49
points, 51 gf, 38 ga (10-1-4 home; 4-7-3 away)
4-4-2, 11 gf, 13 ga, 2-1-2 at home, 2-3-0 away
Record v. IN: WWDL
Record v. OUT: WLWL
Record v. Marginal: WD (added DC this week)
LAST 10/STATUS:
Has Patrick Vieira’s departure hurt this team? Couldn’t tell you, because I’ve
seen, like, NO commentary on it. That’s weird because this team hasn’t had a
good result since July 14 (the Columbus win). They had a bye last week, so it’ll
be interesting to see what the reorientation bought them. If they win Montreal
away (it’s a weird dynamic with that group), they’ll have a good chance in the
next two games, so who knows how they’ll feel?
Games left: @ MTL, v CHI, @ MIN, @ DC, v PHI
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
v RB
|
v MTL
|
v CLB
|
@ ORL
|
@ SEA
|
v VAN
|
@ TFC
|
@ PHI
|
v NE
|
v DC
|
1-0
|
3-0
|
2-0
|
2-0
|
1-3
|
2-2
|
3-2
|
0-2
|
0-1
|
1-1
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
M
|
PHILADELPHIA, 12-12-4,
40 points, 40 gf, 45 ga (7-5-2 home, 5-7-2 away)
6-3-1, 19 gf, 18 ga, 2-2-0 at home, 4-1-1 away
Record v. IN: LLW
Record v. OUT: WWWWD
Record v. Marginal: WL
LAST 10/STATUS:
“Screw the doubters, the Union are on a very solid run”…that ended really,
really badly this weekend. I was quoting myself there, and it’s fun to get
giddy about Philly, a team that has suffered plenty. They really did get run
over this past weekend, and that doesn’t bode well for their next three games,
aka, Montreal just made things REALLY interesting.
Games left: @ SEA, v SKC, @ CLB, v MIN, v NY, @ NYC
W
|
L
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
@ CHI
|
v LA
|
@ HOU
|
@ POR
|
@ NE
|
v NYC
|
v NE
|
@ DC
|
@ ORL
|
v MTL
|
4-3
|
1-3
|
3-1
|
0-3
|
3-2
|
2-0
|
1-0
|
2-0
|
2-2
|
1-4
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
M
|
PORTLAND, 12-8-8, 44
points, 41 gf, 40 ga (9-2-3 home, 3-6-5 away)
4-5-1, 13 gf, 16 ga, 4-2-0 at home, 0-3-1 away
Record v. IN: WLLL
Record v. OUT: WLWDWL
LAST 10/STATUS:
How to describe Saturday’s loss? I think it was like convincing a
seven-year-old that Santa Claus was real only to shout “PSYCHE, ASS-FACE” the
second you made him believe. I mean, the ship seemed righted, if boring, but
that was probably the opposition. These last 10 games paint a damning, and
accurate, picture of the Timbers’ level, as I see it.
Games left: v CLB, @ MIN, v FCD, @ RSL, v RSL, @ VAN
W
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
v HOU
|
v PHI
|
v VAN
|
@ DC
|
@SKC
|
v SEA
|
v TFC
|
@ NE
|
v COL
|
@ HOU
|
2-1
|
3-0
|
1-2
|
1-4
|
0-3
|
0-1
|
2-0
|
1-1
|
2-0
|
1-4
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
RBNY, 17-7-5, 56
points, 53 gf, 32 ga (11-2-1 home, 6-5-4 away)
6-2-2, 15 gf, 12 ga, 4-1-0 at home, 2-1-2 away
Record v. IN: LWDD
Record v. OUT: WWW
Record v. Marginal: WWD
LAST 10/STATUS:
Someone talked about the Atlanta game as the Red Bulls’ ticket to the
Supporters’ Shield, but I’m looking at the soft tissue around that (e.g., v
TFC, @ SJ, v ORL) and thinking those are more important. They’re still very
much in all the mixes.
Games left: v TFC, v ATL, @ SJ, @ PHI, v ORL
W
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
D
|
v NE
|
@ DC
|
v CLB
|
v LAF
|
@ CHI
|
@ VAN
|
v DC
|
v HOU
|
@ MTL
|
@ DC
|
2-0
|
1-0
|
2-3
|
2-1
|
1-0
|
2-2
|
1-0
|
1-0
|
0-3
|
3-3
|
M
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
M
|
M
|
RSL, 13-10-6, 45
points, 49 gf, 47 fa (10-1-4 home, 3-9-2 away)
4-2-4, 22 gf, 13 ga, 2-0-3 at home, 2-2-1 away
Record v. IN: LW
Record v. OUT: LDDWWWD
Record v. Marginal: D
LAST 10/STATUS:
Even if you believed there was no way they’d keep up the 12 gf, 2 ga pace they’d
set over the last 10, a 1-1 home draw against Minnesota is not the way a team
wants to come back down to Earth. And it’s just AWFUL from there, at least assuming
Portland gets it’s shit together.
Games left: @ ATL, @ SKC, v POR, v NE, @ POR
L
|
D
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
@ MIN
|
v COL
|
@ SJ
|
v CHI
|
v MTL
|
@ LAF
|
@ HOU
|
@ COL
|
v LA
|
v MIN
|
2-3
|
2-2
|
0-0
|
2-1
|
1-1
|
0-2
|
2-1
|
6-0
|
6-2
|
1-1
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
M
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
SEATTLE, 13-9-5, 43
points, 36 gf, 27 ga (7-4-2 home; 6-5-3 away)
9-0-1, 21 gf, 6 ga, 6-0-0 at home, 3-0-1 away
Record v. IN: DWWWWWWW
Record v. OUT: WW
LAST 10/STATUS:
Luck has played a role in this team’s WINNING streak, but it’s that defense
that carries them to result (plus) after result (plus). Until that block of
Chad Marshall, [his partner], Osvaldo Alonso and Gustav Svensson ages out, this
team will be a pain in everyone’ fucking ass.
Games left: v PHI, @ LAG, v COL, v HOU, @ ORL, @ HOU,
v SJ
D
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
@ ATL
|
v VAN
|
@ SJ
|
v NYC
|
@ MIN
|
v FCD
|
v LA
|
@ POR
|
v SKC
|
@ VAN
|
1-1
|
2-0
|
1-0
|
3-1
|
2-1
|
2-1
|
5-0
|
1-0
|
3-1
|
2-1
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
i
|
I
|
SKC, 15-7-6, 51
points, 54 gf, 34 ga (9-2-3 home, 6-5-3 away)
6-3-1, 21 gf, 12, 3-1-1 at home, 3-2-0 away
Record v. IN: LLWWL
Record v. OUT: DWWWW
LAST 10/STATUS:
I’m more impressed by the four straight wins they rattled off from games 4-7
down below than I am with the last two - but they all confirm the same thing:
SKC belongs at the big kids’ table, and, after years of playing like weight-lifters,
SKC has built a balanced team that isn’t torture to watch. I put them among the
contenders.
Games left: @ PHI, v RSL, v LAG, @ VAN, @ FCD, v LAF
D
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
v TFC
|
@ RB
|
v FCD
|
@ HOU
|
@ LAF
|
v POR
|
v MIN
|
@ SEA
|
v ORL
|
@ SJ
|
2-2
|
2-3
|
2-3
|
1-0
|
2-0
|
3-0
|
2-0
|
1-3
|
1-0
|
5-1
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
VANCOUVER, 11-10-7,
40 points, 46 gf, 54 ga (6-3-5 home, 5-7-2 away)
5-3-2, 20 gf, 17 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 2-2-1 away
Record v. IN: DWDL
Record v. OUT: WLLWWW
NOTES: “Vancouver
has one of your rougher landings in all of MLS.” What was I smoking when I
wrote that? It could have been seeing Seattle in there that triggered that -
and small wonder. All the same, the ‘Caps died with their boots on this
weekend, so I wouldn’t write them off - especially with Portland looking
baffled for balance. At the same time, do note where they’re getting their wins
(e.g., versus OUT teams).
Games left: v FCD, @ LAG, @ TFC, v SKC, @ LAF, v POR
W
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
v CHI
|
@ DC
|
@ SEA
|
v MIN
|
@ NYC
|
@ POR
|
v RB
|
@ SJ
|
v SJ
|
v SEA
|
3-2
|
1-3
|
0-2
|
4-2
|
2-2
|
2-1
|
2-2
|
3-2
|
2-1
|
1-2
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
MARGINAL
DC UNITED, 9-11-8, 35
points, 48 gf , 48 ga (8-2-2 home, 1-9-6 away)
6-1-3, 21 gf, 12 ga; 6-1-1 at home, 0-0-2 away
Record v. IN: WLLWDD
Record v. OUT: WWW
Record v. Marginal: D
LAST 10/STATUS:
I’d say they have a shot in all their games, but that still leaves them a thin
margin - and, at most, one team to chase, between Philly and Montreal. The
shitty thing is that their end-run will be less about what they do than about
what those two teams do.
Games left: v MTL, v CHI, v FCD, v TFC, v NYC, @ CHI
W
|
D
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
v COL
|
@ MTL
|
v ORL
|
v POR
|
@ RB
|
v PHI
|
v ATL
|
@ NYC
|
v MIN
|
v RB
|
2-1
|
1-1
|
3-2
|
4-1
|
0-1
|
0-2
|
3-1
|
1-1
|
2-1
|
3-3
|
O
|
M
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
LA GALAXY, 10-11-8,
38 points, 54 gf, 59 ga (6-4-4 home, 4-7-4 away)
2-4-4, 20 gf, 29 ga, 1-0-3 at home, 1-4-1 away
Record v. IN: WDLDL
Record v. OUT: WLDDL
LAST 10/STATUS:
Better toast the “Dominic Kinnear Era” because that thing better be a fart in
the wind. If you look at everything, it’s hard to argue that the Galaxy haven’t
landed at a B-trending-C-level celebrity dysfunction. When you give up 19 goals
over five games, who gives a fuck about your talent?
Games left: v SEA, v VAN, @SKC, @ MIN, v HOU
W
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
D
|
D
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
@ PHI
|
@ LAF
|
v ORL
|
@ COL
|
v MIN
|
v COL
|
@ SEA
|
v LAF
|
@ RSL
|
@ TFC
|
3-1
|
2-2
|
4-3
|
1-2
|
2-2
|
2-2
|
0-5
|
1-1
|
2-6
|
3-5
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
MONTREAL, 12-14-3, 39
points, 41 gf, 46 ga (9-4-1 home, 3-10-2 away)
4-3-3, 17 gf, 14 ga, 3-1-1 at home, 1-2-2 away
Record v. IN: LDLDWW
Record v. OUT: WDWL
LAST 10/STATUS:
I almost bumped these guys up to “IN” this week, but that feels premature.
Given how iffy NYCFC has been lately, I’m not even sure a win over them would
warrant upgrading them. No matter what happens in the Bronx, I’ll keep a closer
eye on the away game to DC; if the guards are gonna change, that feels more like
the game that’s do it.
Games left: v NYC, @ DC, v CLB, v TFC, @ NE
L
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
D
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
@NYC
|
v SJ
|
@ POR
|
v ATL
|
v DC
|
@ RSL
|
v CHI
|
@ TFC
|
v RB
|
@ PHI
|
0-3
|
2-0
|
2-2
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
1-1
|
2-1
|
1-3
|
3-0
|
4-1
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
NEW ENGLAND, 8-10-10,
34 points, 41 gf, 43ga (6-4-4 home, 2-6-6 away)
1-6-3, 11 gf, 18 ga, 0-2-1 at home, 1-4-2 away
Record v. IN: LLLLDWD
Record v. OUT: LDL
LAST 10/STATUS:
They’re on a reasonably positive trend, and they’ve got a reasonable shot at 9
points over their next four games, so, maybe I should be such a dick about them.
The Toronto game feels like the big one - and that assumes they manage Chicago.
If they don’t do that, write ‘em off.
Games left: v CHI, @ TFC, @ ATL, v ORL, @ RSL, v MTL
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
D
|
v LA
|
@ MIN
|
@ RB
|
@ ORL
|
v PHI
|
@ DC
|
@ PHI
|
v POR
|
@ NYC
|
@ LAF
|
2-3
|
1-2
|
0-2
|
3-3
|
2-3
|
0-2
|
0-1
|
1-1
|
0-1
|
1-1
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
OUT
CHICAGO, 7-15-6, 27
points, 41 gf, 52 ga (5-7-3 home, 2-8-3 away)
1-8-1, 13 gf, 21 ga, 1-3-1 at home, 0-5-0 away
Record v. IN: LLLLD
Record v. OUT: LLW
Record v. Marginal: LL
LAST 10/STATUS:
Beating Orlando in your stadium is like dunking on toddlers, so the thing to
watch for his how hard they kick other teams for the rest of the 2018. This
team is died a while ago.
Games left: @ NE, @ NYC, v LAF, @ DC, @ ATL, v DC
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
@ VAN
|
v PHI
|
@ FCD
|
v TFC
|
@ TFC
|
@ RSL
|
v RB
|
@ MTL
|
v CLB
|
v ORL
|
2-3
|
3-4
|
1-3
|
1-2
|
0-3
|
1-2
|
0-1
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
4-0
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
M
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
O
|
COLORADO, 6-16-6, 24
points, 31 gf, 53 ga (5-7-3 home, 1-9-3 away)
2-5-3, 9 gf, 21 ga, 2-2-1 at home, 0-3-2 away
Record v. IN: DWDLLLL
Record v. OUT: DLW
LAST 10/STATUS:
A case-study in how a redemption narrative becomes a nightmare like that
homeless guy with the “golden voice.” Officially eliminated this week, and the
last four results felt like the world telling them over and over again, “you
are a failure.”
Games left: @ CLB, @ SEA, v LAF, @ MIN, @ SJ, v FCD
D
|
D
|
L
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
v HOU
|
@ RSL
|
@ DC
|
v LAG
|
v SJ
|
@ LAG
|
@ LAF
|
v RSL
|
@ POR
|
v ATL
|
0-0
|
2-2
|
1-2
|
2-1
|
2-1
|
2-2
|
0-2
|
0-6
|
0-2
|
0-3
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
HOUSTON, 8-13-7, 31
points, 47 gf, 43 ga (7-5-3 home, 1-8-4 away)
1-7-2, 13 gf, 17 ga, 1-3-2 at home, 0-4-0 away
Record v. IN: DLLLLLDLLW
Record v. OUT: [null set]
LAST 10/STATUS:
Fun win! Also, you’re not going to make up 13 points unless every team above
you starts every game by lying down on the pitch and not playing till the clock
runs out. (Fun fact: if Houston won all their remaining games, they’d top out
at 49 points, so even if all the teams above them did what I suggested, they
still wouldn’t make the playoffs.)
Games left: @ COL, v SJ, @ SEA, @ LAF, v SEA, @ LAG
D
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
v FCD
|
v PHI
|
@ POR
|
v SKC
|
@ CLB
|
v RSL
|
v FCD
|
@ RB
|
@ FCD
|
v POR
|
1-1
|
1-3
|
1-2
|
0-1
|
0-1
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
0-1
|
2-4
|
4-1
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
MINNESOTA, 9-16-3, 30
points, 40 gf, 55 ga (8-4-1 home, 1-12-2 away)
3-5-2, 17 gf, 19 ga, 3-1-0 at home, 0-4-2 away
Record v. IN: WWLDLLD
Record v. OUT: [null set]
Record v. Marginal: WLL
LAST 10/STATUS:
Dead for the season and in dire need of ACTUALLY building a team. They need a
good enough foundation to make bringing in a player like Darwin Quintero
worthwhile. I think they’ll top out below 40 points. Anything higher should feel
like first steps toward building that team.
Games left: v POR, v NYC, @ PHI, v COL, v LA, @ COL
W
|
W
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
v RSL
|
v NE
|
v LAF
|
@ VAN
|
v SEA
|
@ LA
|
@ FCD
|
@ SKC
|
@ DC
|
@ RSL
|
3-2
|
2-1
|
5-1
|
2-4
|
1-2
|
2-2
|
0-2
|
0-2
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
M
|
I
|
ORLANDO, 7-17-3, 24
points, 40 gf, 62 ga (5-6-3 home, 2-11-0 away)
1-7-2, 15 gf, 25 ga, 1-2-2 at home, 0-5-0 away
Record v. IN: LLLLDL
Record v. OUT: WLL
Record v. Marginal: D
LAST 10/STATUS:
The Charge of the Light Brigade, once a week, for your entertainment. The loss
to Chicago is the final nail in their coffin.
Games left: v HOU, @ FCD, @ NE, v SEA, v CLB, @ NY
W
|
L
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
L
|
v TFC
|
@ CLB
|
v NYC
|
@ LAG
|
v NE
|
@ DC
|
v ORL
|
v PHI
|
@ SKC
|
@ CHI
|
2-1
|
2-3
|
0-2
|
3-4
|
3-3
|
2-3
|
1-2
|
2-2
|
0-1
|
0-4
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
M
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
SAN JOSE, 4-16-8, 20
points, eliminated, etc., 42 gf, 57 ga (2-7-5 home, 2-9-3 away)
2-6-2, 13 gf, 20 ga, 2-3-2 at home, 0-3-0 away
Record v. IN: DWLWLL
Record v. OUT: LLD
Record v. Marginal: L
LAST 10/STATUS:
I heard they finally fired the head coach, and I don’t know what else this team
does. Other teams are having worse recent runs, but this season was a full-on
disaster for everyone involved in this organization except maybe Danny Hoesen.
Games left: v ATL, @ LAF, @ HOU, v NY, v COL, @ SEA
L
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
D
|
L
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
@ MTL
|
v SEA
|
v RSL
|
v FCD
|
@ COL
|
v TFC
|
v VAN
|
v FCD
|
@ VAN
|
v SKC
|
0-2
|
0-1
|
0-0
|
3-1
|
1-2
|
1-1
|
2-3
|
4-3
|
1-2
|
1-5
|
M
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
I
|
TORONTO, 8-14-6, 30
points, 50 gf, 55 ga (6-6-2 home, 2-8-4 away)
3-4-3, 16 gf, 21 ga, 2-3-0 at home, 1-1-3 away
Record v. IN: DLLL
Record v. OUT: LWWD
Record v. Marginal: WW
LAST 10/STATUS:
TFC would pretty much have to run the table over the next six games to make the
playoffs, and have either Philly or Montreal just COMPLETELY STALL above them.
Seriously, if either team picks up even six points, Toronto would have to
win-out at the end of a season when they haven’t won much.
Games left: @ NY, v NE, v VAN, @ DC, @ MTL, v ATL
L
|
W
|
W
|
D
|
L
|
D
|
W
|
L
|
L
|
W
|
@ORL
|
@ CHI
|
v CHI
|
@ ATL
|
v NYC
|
@ SJ
|
v MTL
|
@ POR
|
v LAF
|
v LA
|
1-2
|
2-1
|
3-0
|
2-2
|
2-3
|
1-1
|
3-1
|
0-2
|
2-4
|
5-3
|
O
|
O
|
O
|
I
|
I
|
O
|
M
|
I
|
I
|
M
|
That’s it. And, golly, I think this is the future for the
hidden portions of the iceberg.
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