Getting Reacquainted with St. Louis CITY FC, the Humiliation of Fatherhood

Keep talking motherfucker. Day's coming...

[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]

Thumbnail History

They came, they saw, they straight-up rolled some teams – including five straight to start the season. Hell, St. Louis CITY FC even rolled Sporting Kansas City 4-1 at home all the way at Week 32 of the season. The fact the same team that put them to the sword over a lopsided two-leg series in the first round of the 2023 MLS playoffs sums up St. Louis short-‘n’-sweet history in MLS: impressive, but visibly incomplete.

Best Season

I feel good saying 2023…

Long-Term Tendencies

They went wildly over the median on goals scored – i.e., 62 scored versus the 46.8 average – and, as well as the defense did, it seized failure with both hands often as not. Almost certainly related, St. Louis played an aggressive press, aka, one of soccer’s great “yes/no” propositions, there is no try, only do, etc.

Identity: Your son beating you at a sport for the first time.

Joy Points: 1, because making the playoffs in your one and only season makes your history brighter than eight other teams. (Also, index for how these work is below*.)

[Ed. – There is no point to a “names to know” section on a team entering its second season…]

Where They Finished in 2023 & What the Past Says About That, If Anything

First in the Western Conference and a genuinely impressive fourth overall. To be completely frank, I did not like this team from the jump and wanted them to fail – mostly because I hate pressing teams. Shit’s ugly. Going the other way, they effectively ambushed the six of the first eight teams they played and staked them to 18 fast points early in the season. And yet, and to their very real credit, St. Louis picked up a healthy share of wins throughout the season. I won’t pretend I don’t think they’ve been found out, but they had a great season for any team, never an expansion team.

Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition

I don’t know enough to comment on the St. Louis front office’s state of ambition beyond acknowledging they did pretty damn all right in Year One. Even with the occasionally useful Niko Gioacchini and the infatigable (and pissy) Jared Stroud moved on to new and exciting professional opportunities, St. Louis comes in to 2024 with a good core. Having 2023’s goalkeeper of the year and MLS vet Tim Parker to organize the defense looks like a sound foundation to me and, so long as you have that and a competent midfield, all it takes to get your local team close to competitive is a couple smart attacking pieces. They seem to have those in Eduard Lowen and Joao Klauss, so long as he can stay fit. My best guess puts this team at playoff-competitive in 2024; add some talent – I hear they have an open DP spot- and they could make some actual noise in MLS’s Western Conference…that said, I’m still waiting for this team to get found out. The way they could go either way feels like a big deal for 2024.

St. Louis CITY FC 1-2 Portland Timbers: No Comments, But Also Three Pages' Worth

Kid's already miles deep on, "you just made the list, mate."

What’s that phrase? No comments?

No comments because that Portland Timbers win checked every box.

At the apex of the glory, a defense stayed organized and held strong, and then one player put the team on his back and ran till they got proverbially there. Even more important, the Timbers took control of a game for the first time in 2023...sorry, the second; the way they stomped Seattle seems like something I usually keep between me and my therapist. At any rate, after a desperately drab first half, the Timbers either got a locker room stemwinder or they figured out that St. Louis CITY FC didn’t have their whole heart in tonight’s game. Once it became clear they could take the game to St. Louis, the Timbers kept yelling, “please, sir, may I have another,” kind of like an Oliver gone gritty on a revenge bender, until they answered back to St. Louis’...let’s call it complicated equalizer....

...and that’s another box checked: the offense repaying a good game by the defense by clawing back one goal.

The Timbers have never looked as much like a professional soccer team as they did tonight, not in 2023, not like you, not like me, and, yeah, I’m starting to trust my credulous eyes more with each passing week. To finally get to the lead, the Timbers beat St. Louis, the best team in Major League Soccer’s Western Conference coming in to tonight, 2-1 and at their place...wait...oh my God, I finally found a linguistic detour around “at home.” Sorry to interrupt, but this is my Mount Baker at a minimum.

Before digging into the rest – and, honestly, even acknowledging the timeline – I have a couple notes on St. Louiis. This was either the fourth or fifth time I’ve watched them this season and, outside last week’s draw at Colorado, I’ve never seen them look so...what’s the word...less like they'd spent the afternoon blood-doping and doing all-day two-minute hate sessions at every Timbers player. When I watched the Colorado game, I put the absence of their xA (xpected Aggression) down to saving their lungs for a full 90 at altitude. After tonight, I’m starting to wonder if they’ll already hit the fundamental limitations of relying on “playing at 11” as a strategic choice. They didn’t have Joao Klauss – who, to his very real credit, has Maxi Urruti-level qualities at brain-fucking defenders – and that left Eduard Louwen trying to do everything with, as I once said without the information to back it up, “MLS average players.”