Level Set 18, Columbus Crew: The Hottest Ticket in Flyover Country

It is hard to explain what this meant at the time. Seriously.

What follows is a brief history of the Columbus Crew, plus more brief notes on whatever long-term tendencies they have. Their 2025 season gets weighed on both sides of that and the whole thing ends with where I see things with them in this very specific moment in time - i.e., before First Kick 2026. You should count on things happening between here and there.

The post ends with a scale I came up with to measure the long-term success of every team in Major League Soccer. It does some things well (e.g., count trophies/achievements), other things less well (capture recent trends). It's called the Joint Points Scale and you can find a link that explains what it does. I was really stoned when I came up with the scale and wrote the post. Caveat lector. With that...

Thumbnail History
Don’t let the(/the greatest) flyover state thing fool you: the Columbus Crew (which I type as “Columbus Screw” 75% of the time), have long had a knack for signing exotic players. They’ve signed their share of guys who fit the working-class image of their original crest (faceless, but the crossed arms suggest the cat-calls) – e.g., Brian McBride stands out there, but they also got great mileage out of Josh Williams, Chad Marshall, Jonathan Mensah and, perhaps to a lesser extent, Artur and, briefly, Aidan Morris – but they put their stamp on league history through guys like Guillermo Barros-Schelotto, Lucas Zelarayan and, most recently, Cucho Hernandez. Toiling under the shadow of the early greats, DC United, the Los Angeles Galaxy and, to a lesser extent, the Chicago Fire and Sporting Kansas City, the Crew spent most of their first decade bumping against other teams’ achievements. They yanked a Supporters’ Shield out of their asses in 2004, but they also missed the playoffs five times between 2000 and 2007 and felt the sting of the Wooden Spoon in 2006. A mere two seasons later, though, Columbus became the smoothest, smartest team in MLS. Coached by Sigi Schmid, guided by Schelotto and back-stopped by a (hey!) working-class defense and midfield built around Marshall, Brian Carroll, and Brad Evans – incidentally, all players who would go on to anchor the all-time great expansion team (Seattle; it’s Seattle) – the Crew picked up the double in 2008, plus another Supporters’ Shield in 2009. They’d cracked a unique approach to the designated player code: finding great talents that few people States-side had heard of. And it paid off smartly until it abruptly did not – or at least until they re-learned the old trick. Between 2012 and 2022, Columbus missed the playoffs as many times as they made them and, despite being the home to the first (and, fair point, super-basic) soccer-specific stadium in MLS history, Columbus barely survived a bid to relocate the team after the 2018 season. The fans pulled together to fight that off in a way that still inspires and, a couple seasons later, Columbus reclaimed their crown as the best team between the coasts in Major League Soccer. They won two more MLS Cups – one in 2020 (aka, The Weird Season; look at the freakin' attendance) and again in 2023, both games at a saucy stroll – and they might have had one more trophy had they not screwed themselves over in MLS Cup 2015 (see: Clark, Steve and Valeri, Diego). For all their failures, and they’ve had a few, Columbus does have a bless’d eye for spotting talent. Checking their all-time roster and scrolling down is a genuinely worthwhile exercise, if just to see all the names that (arguably, in some cases) became more famous on other teams around the league. Per the Joy Points Scale*, Columbus remains one of the most successful teams in MLS history and all of the various powers-that-be that have guided them through damn near three decades’ worth of history deserve credit for accomplishing everything that they did in a…let’s go with unexpected market.

Getting Reacquainted with Columbus Crew SC, MLS's Kings of the Inside Straight

An inside straight, in human form.

Thumbnail History
They may come from a(/the greatest) flyover state, but the Columbus Crew, now Columbus Crew SC (a name that launched a thousand typos, e.g., “Columbus Screw”), have long had a knack for signing exotic players. Like any MLS side, they’ve signed plenty of guys who fit the working-class image of their original crest (faceless, yet somehow still leering construction workers) – e.g., Brian McBride stands out there, but they also got good seasons/mileage out of Josh Williams, Chad Marshall, Jonathan Mensah and, perhaps to a lesser extent, Artur and, briefly, Aidan Morris – but they put their stamp on league history through guys like Guillermo Barros-Schelotto, Lucas Zelarayan and, most recently, Cucho Hernandez. That little sprinkling of fairy dust came later. Toiling under the shadow of the early greats, DC United, the Los Angeles Galaxy and, to a lesser extent, the Chicago Fire and Sporting Kansas City, the Crew spent most of their first decade bumping against their achievements. They yanked a Supporters’ Shield out of their asses in 2004, but they also missed the playoffs five times between 2000 and 2007 and felt the sting of the Wooden Spoon in 2006. A mere two seasons later, though, Columbus became the smoothest, smartest team in MLS. Coached by Sigi Schmid, guided by Schelotto and back-stopped by a (hey!) working-class defense and midfield built around Marshall, Brian Carroll, and Brad Evans – incidentally, all players who went on to anchor expansion teams – the Crew picked up a double in 2008, plus another Supporters’ Shield in 2009. They’d cracked a unique approach to the designated player code: finding great talents that few people States-side had heard of. And it paid off smartly until it abruptly did not – or at least until they re-learned the old trick. Between 2012 and 2022, Columbus missed the playoffs as many times as they made them and, despite being the home to the first (and, fair point, super-basic) soccer-specific stadium in MLS history, Columbus barely survived a bid to relocate the team after the 2018 season. The fans pulled together to fight that off and, a couple seasons later, Columbus reclaimed their crown as the best team between the coasts in Major League Soccer. They won two more MLS Cups – one in 2020 (aka, The Weird Season) and again in 2023, both games at a saucy stroll – and they might have had one more trophy had they not screwed themselves over in MLS Cup 2015 (see: Clark, Steve and Valeri, Diego). For all their failures, and they’ve had a few, Columbus does have a bless’d eye for spotting talent. Checking Columbus' all-time roster and scrolling down is a genuinely worthwhile exercise, if just to see all the names that (arguably, in some cases) became more famous on other teams around the league. Per the Joy Points Scale, this is the third most-successful team in MLS history and all of the various powers-that-be that have guided them through damn near three decades’ worth of history deserve credit for accomplishing everything that they did in a…let’s go with unexpected market.

Total Joy Points: 46

Getting Reacquainted with Columbus Crew SC, the Team That Pulls Rabbits Out of Hats for Fun

Smoke Lucky Strikes

[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]

Thumbnail History
If nothing else, Columbus Crew SC provided a fair chunk of the start-up talent that the Seattle Sounders leveraged to leap-frog them on my patented “Joy Points” scale (see the end of the post for methodology*); hell, Chad Marshall was central enough to both teams’ success that I’m counting him twice. But, to backup: the Columbus Crew came in as an MLS original...man, does anyone else miss the old “leering construction worker' crest? Ahem. The Crew started undistinguished – i.e., they made playoffs, only without going anywhere – before hitting what, despite a wild-hair Supporters’ Shield in 2004, can only be described as a rough patch. They missed the playoffs five times between 2000 and 2007 and even picked up a Wooden Spoon two seasons after that wild-hair Shield. From that point forward – and, damn my amnesia, it continues to the present day – Columbus has developed a pattern that goes something like so: they bring in an attacking ringer – e.g., Guillermo Barros Schelotto, Lucas Zelarayan or Cucho Hernandez – that raises a broadly competent core to glory, only to have that latest model run out of actual steam after two or three seasons. To drive home the point, in the twelve seasons since their first, best run (see immediately below) – starting in 2012, basically - the Crew have a 50/50 hit-rate for just making the point-season. Despite That’s not all bad, clearly, seeing that they’ve won two MLS Cups over that same period (2020, aka, The Weird Season, and 2023) and they went into a third final as the seeded team…where, honestly, they got lightly screwed, even if they did half the screwing themselves (see: Clark, Steve and Valeri, Diego). I’m saying that as Portland Timbers fan, for what it’s worth…

Best Season(s)
For all their slips, Columbus has fielded some genuinely impressive teams – and I very much count the 2020 and 2023 Cup-winning teams among them – but those late 2000s teams that they built around Schelotto just…did things to teams that, often, left them on the side of the road staring at the sky with a headful of nightmares. That team paired an MLS Cup with their second Shield in 2008 and they added a third Shield in 2009. Those other Columbus teams absolutely kept them on the map/board, but it was the 2008-12 team that put them on it.

Long-Term Tendencies
A bit surprising in that they don’t show a ton of wild deviations from average when it comes to goals scored and allowed. Odd outliers aside – e.g., a couple of the seasons they missed the playoffs, the double-winning season in 2008, and 2023’s freakish attacking stats – Columbus generally stick at or around average of goals scored and allowed. Heck, they had a four-season stretch from 2010-2013 where they hit MLS’s middling sweet-spot – i.e., they either scored or allowed the average number of goals - six out of eight times. Even so, a soft pattern sticks out in all that: in most of the seasons when they missed the playoffs, it was problems with scoring that kept them out. The defense throttled their dreams a couple of times – e.g., 2000 and 2016 – but Columbus has a history of fielding good and strong defenses, and to the tune of being at or well-below average (10 times!) in 22 of 28 seasons. In other words, small wonder they sweat the attack.

Identity
A magician pulling rabbits out of a hat.

Joy Points: 21, or good enough for 5th place all time (based on an admittedly warped scale)

10 Names to Know (with regards to Zac Steffen, I stiffed the goalkeepers)
Brian McBride (1996-2003)
Whenever I think of McBride, I see him with either a swollen eye or a bandage wrapped around his head. Though famous for headed goals and hold-up play, he could wind up a decent shot too. McBride played like a warrior and scored 62 goals along the way. One of MLS’s first “homegrown” stars.

Not pictured here (if you know, you know.)

Stern John (1998-1999)
He came, he saw, he scored goals at a fucking ridiculous clip (44 in 55 appearances, wha….?). John played just two seasons in Columbus [EDIT, corrected to read 1998-99; thanks, commenter!]; and did he even finish both?), but he’s a good legend from early MLS history. Again, Columbus is to good players what Sudbury is to unbelievably attractive women.

Jeff Cunningham (1998-2004)
Nearly as effective as McBride in his time with Columbus, but a totally different player, Cunningham started his career/MLS legend with them. He combined a soft touch with next-level speed, a lethal combination for both MLS 1.0 and 2.0 defenses, and that’s why he’s still fourth all-time for career goals scored in MLS – and without a challenger in sight.

Eddie Gaven (2006-2013)
While Columbus would later become famous for the attacking ringers mentioned above, they also have a strong record with recognizing young talent within MLS and letting them thrive. For all that he looked like a strong breeze could carry him off, Gaven fells like a prototype for one of those forever-buzzing, catch-me-if-you-can midfielders that disrupt defenses. And he played and grew throughout Columbus’ best seasons (as nominated above).

Chad Marshall (2004-2013)
Simply put, a brick wall with a screen tied to the top that catches 90% of anything that threatens to fly above it. An incredible defender for two teams, but he started with, starred in, and anchored the Crew’s defense through its first glory years.

Guillermo Barros Schelotto (aka, GBS) (2007-2010)
For me, Columbus won the race to sign the first, best designated player in MLS history. But for the shaggy hair, he looked more like a math teacher than a professional athlete. The league had seen decent attacking mids before, but none of them opened the game for everyone around them quite the way GBS did.

Frankie Hejduk (2003-2010, ambassador till death)
I did a “who’s Mr. Sporting Kansas City” for the last post in this series, but it’s Hejduk for me. The rare eccentric in a league that either can’t find them or somehow discourages them, a surfer in Central Ohio, etc. But Hejduk backed it all the way up on the field, both for Columbus and the U.S. Men. And I hear he still shows up at the stadium. Just wonderful…

Federico Higuain (2012-2019)
The next in Columbus’ frankly remarkable succession of attacking wizards, he continued the GBS tradition of providing regular goals and assists (I remember him for his free-kicks). He was similar down to the build, but also played in a more-evolved MLS – which may explain the mind-blowing fact that Columbus never won a trophy with him.

Jonathan Mensah (2017-2022)
A successor to another tradition, Mensah may not have been as dominant as Marshall, but I can think of no better way to explain how highly I rate him besides saying that I’m still shocked to this day that they traded him. Still, he anchored a defense that won Columbus a Cup. Which tends to be enough for them because…

Lucas Zelarayan (2020-2023)
They keep finding players like, say, Zelarayan, aka, a midfielder that could fuck up a defense at least three different ways (e.g., off the dribble, free-kicks, and waltzing through a defense with a teammate). If there’s a greater mystery in MLS than how a team from Central Nowhere U.S.A. keeps finding players like this, I don’t know what it is. To be clear, I don’t mean that “Central Nowhere” thing as an insult – I was born in Cincinnati and went to high school in Pullman, WA for fuck’s sake – but to acknowledge that Columbus, Ohio has a limited international foot-print.

Where They Finished in 2023 & What the Past Says About That, If Anything
Third-place in the East with a Santa’s sack full of goals, a lopsided goal-differential and, ultimately, their third MLS Cup. Not bad, in other words. Once you see the pattern, last season lines up nicely with…call it the last 20 seasons of Columbus’ history. Again, they have a history of finding great-for-MLS players, which continued with Cucho Hernandez and only got better with the addition of Christian Ramirez and Diego Rossi, and the historically strong defense held up, if with a big, elegant assist from the central midfield pairing of Aidan Morris and Darlington Nagbe. More to the point, after watching them all but flow through the Eastern Conference playoff bracket – again, for the record, FC Cincinnati is my second team (see birth-place) and that loss left scars – they didn’t so much win MLS Cup 2023, as run it. To circle back to the pattern, I believe this current roster has a couple strong seasons left in it – so long as the F.O. can keep it together and Wilfred Nancy in charge of it. I’m not much on coaches as transformative figures, but I only have to look at Columbus’s 2021 and 2022 to believe that he’s got something special in his noodle.

Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition
Even with Columbus’, again, remarkable track record with signing good ‘n’ fun players, they hired (just learned this) hometown(-adjacent) wunderkind, Tim Bezbatchenko to keep that conveyer belt moving. Their history says a slump will come again, but they’ve put on some damned tall stilts to keep ahead of it.

* Joy Point Index
Winning the CONCACAF Champions’ League: 5 points
Claiming Supporters’ Shield : 4 points
Winning MLS Cup: 3 points
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2 points
Winning the U.S. Open Cup: 2 points
Winning CONCACAF Champions Cup: 2 points
MLS Is Back Cup: 2 points (yeah, yeah, I’m a Timbers fan; still, that was a tough one)
CONCACAF Champions League Semifinalist: 1 point
Making the Playoffs: 1 point
Missing the Playoffs: -1 point
Missing Playoffs in 1996-97, 2002-2004 (when 80% of the league qualified): - 2 points

Wooden Spoon: -3 points

MLS Tourist Journal, Calendar Week 1: Combine, Coaches, Players

How my people say "love."

Welcome to the first of the weekly spins I plan to take around Major League Soccer’s points of (personal) interest for calendar year 2019. Because I can go deep on only two teams (the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati), I am truly embracing “tourism” concept this season. It just feels right. As always, or at least when it doesn’t trip up the narrative flow (which ranks high for me), I’ll start with those two teams and branch out from there.

Portland Timbers, Neither Holding Nor Folding

All quiet on the Timbers front for the past week – and how one feels about that corresponds directly, no doubt, with one’s sense of the state of team (i.e., I want action, baby). Barring some draft-day monkeyshines, the Timbers aren’t likely to do much during the first “real” event on the MLS Events Calendar – e.g., Friday’s Superdraft (scare quotes = real). To note an impulse, however, when I saw Logan Gdula identified as a right back (and one with a(n alleged) 40% chance of starting five games or more (see the “senior prospects” link below), one of the voices in my head whispered “Timbers,” and that tells me where I see a need for Portland. Besides that, and thanks to this brief article (and the artist’s rendering therein), I finally seee The Master Plan for the East side of Providence Park. (What? That really could be the first artist’s rendering I’ve seen. I ride by Providence every weekday and, every time I’ve ridden by, I’ve looked at it and thought, “huh”?). Next.

FC Cincinnati's First Steps

Call the point arguable, but participating in the Superdraft makes FC Cincinnati in MLS official for me (it’s like Don Garber gave them his lettermen’s jacket and his class ring). As nearly everyone points out these days, MLS’s broad evolution means that most teams look to the Superdraft for “depth pieces” rather than starters. Or, to borrow a really efficient phrase from Matt Doyle’s mock Superdraft:

“Homegrowns, TAM signings and young DPs are investments. A drafted player is found money.”

I glanced at two more mock drafts to see what Cincy might do with its Number 1 pick – Top Drawer Soccer’s and Ives Galarcep’s – and, on evidence even of seasons where the Superdraft mattered more, the next time you’ll see a majority of those names will be on USL rosters or the name tag of a guy selling you your next hi-def TV. Before the mock drafts, I searched for hidden gems among a list of senior prospects and didn’t turn up anything obvious – and that could explain why the three mock drafts tabbed Siad Haji, a midfielder (Doyle and Top Drawer), and Tajon Buchanan, a forward, for Cincinnati’s first pick.