San Jose Earthquakes Scouting Report: You Know What? Fuck It.

Yummy and a future worth dreaming about.

As I sit down to type this, I can’t help but wonder if there’s a point to it. The Timbers won’t play again until the middle of July (July!) and San Jose doesn’t play another regular season game until the week after. I mean, how many teams will come back after the break remade, refreshed and quite possibly smelling of peaches and mint. You say that’s silly, I say you never know. But, because I did the work…

The Basics

San Jose Earthquakes
9-3-2, 28 pts., 14 GP; 31 gf, 14 ga (+17); home 4-2-1, away 5-1-1
Last 10 Results: WWWWWWDDLL (6-2-2)
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ VAN (1-0 W); v SD (3-0 W); @ SKC (3-1 W); @ LAFC (4-1 W); v ATX (5-1 W); @ STL (3-2 W); @ TFC (1-1 D); v VAN (1-1 D); @ SEA (2-3 L); v FCD (2-3 L);

I made the personally unsettling decision to track only the past ten games for every team in Major League Soccer (literally killing me), but for anyone who forgot the San Jose Earthquakes conceded one single goal over their first six games (versus Seattle Sounders; hold that thought). Even after the surrendered their second goal, then third, then fourth, then they allowed two after that, etc., it took to the beginning of (fucking) May for San Jose to draw its next game of 2026. In the words of the great philosopher, Gwen Stefani, that shit is bananas for the team that traded Cristian Espinoza to Nashville SC and doesn’t have any other player that would make most people’s short list for league-elite players.

When they picked up their second loss of the season at Seattle, nobody blinked because why would you? They were 10-1-0 at the time, San Jose was bound to slip up at some point, so why not again a Sounders that both started strong and beat them previously? Even that was tricky – e.g., they started a sacrificial lineup and gave up two shit goals, but the first shit goal (midfield where?) – which tied the score – came after Ousseni Bouda and Preston Judd came into the game. Judd returned the game to 2-2 with his ninth(!) goal of 2026, but Seattle scored the winner (also not good; defenders where?) after Beau Leroux and the experienced Paul Marie came in to solidify the defense. And then came last weekend versus FC Dallas...

Level Set 11, the San Jose Earthquakes, aka, the Strivin' Orphans

Think many kids have played Orphan Annie. Is that dog real?

What follows is a brief history of the San Jose Earthquakes, plus more brief notes on whatever long-term tendencies they have. Their 2025 season gets weighed on both sides of that and the whole thing ends with where I see things with them in this very specific moment in time - i.e., before First Kick 2026. You should count on things happening between here and there.

The post ends with a scale I came up with to measure the long-term success of every team in Major League Soccer. It does some things well (e.g., count trophies/achievements), other things less well (capture recent trends). It's called the Joint Points Scale and you can find a link that explains what it does. I was really stoned when I came up with the scale and wrote the post. Caveat lector. With that...

Thumbnail History
Extremes characterize the early history of the San Jose Earthquakes, and most of the rest is tragedy. They also have a real shout as MLS’s most tortured franchise, but to start at the beginning…

They started as the San Jose Clash and started poorly. After making the playoffs in the league’s inaugural season (1996), the team missed them over the next four, three as the San Jose Clash (1997-1999), then one more as the San Jose Earthquakes (2000); as if to prove that rebranding doesn’t equal rebirth, they picked up a Wooden Spoon under both names (1997 and 2000). San Jose flipped the script one thin season later - and how. It started with the hiring of MLS Frank Yallop as head coach and only got better when U.S.-wunderkind, Landon Donovan, returned to the States after a frustrated stint with Germany’s Bayer Leverkusen. With a reliable spine of Joe Cannon in goal, Jimmy Conrad in central defense and Richard Mulrooney rage-tackling in front of them, Yallop filled out the roster with young players who would dominate mid-2000s MLS – e.g., Canadian great Dwayne DeRosario and hard-nosed center back Eddie Robinson, wily veterans like former DC United fullback Jeff Agoos and nifty Danish import Ronnie Ekelund. With that fresh start, San Jose threw down 2000’s Wooden Spoon and grabbed MLS Cup 2001. Another strong recruitment class – e.g., future MLS stalwarts like Ryan Cochrane (defender), Brian Mullan (midfielder), and Brian Ching (forward, for both club and country) – plus some crafty poaching - e.g., long-time midfield anchor Ricardo Clark – not only carried them to their second, and last, MLS Cup in 2003, but carried them to the 2005 Supporters’ Shield. They did that despite Donovan’s (controversial) departure to the LA Galaxy and losing key players like Ekelund and Agoos. Then, and pretty much out of the blue, the team fucked off to Houston, Texas.