San Jose Earthquakes 3-0 Portland Timbers: The "Whipping Boy" Crown Has Been Passed

As we've seen, that's one big goddamn space....

I spent most of the second half of the Portland Timbers’ shame-stained slide to dead last in Major League Soccer striving for a title that captured my despair, my disgust…frankly, my shock, especially seeing that I wrote this just one week ago. After the San Jose Earthquakes' (again, that's the San Jose Earthquakes) 3-0, coulda been more win over the Timbers tonight, whatever optimism I had left just sprinted off the fucking plank and plunged into the sea.

To keep the flagellation going (missed a spot, and harder! like you hate me!), I would have allowed San Jose’s phantom fourth goal, and not just on principle. It’d be one thing if Cristian Espinoza carried the ball forward off the initial pass, but he didn’t; his forward position didn’t give San Jose an advantage on the play, because he cut back and passed the ball into Champs-Elysees that drove straight toward the sweet-spot of the Timbers’ goal all goddam night (e.g., 13 shots on goal). What’s an offside call when the Timbers’ fucking endless dipshit defending gave San Jose all the advantage they needed tonight? That’s the one and only story that matters right now because, until the Timbers get that defense straightened into something competent, absolutely nothing else matters for the team’s fortunes.

I’ll start by calling the original sin by its name: when your team can’t fucking defend, you play the 5-3-2 as penance for past, persistent failure. Under absolutely no circumstances do you “flex” back into a 4-2-3-1 to “try to tilt the game forward," because that is a delusion of grandeur, hell, even a delusion of competence (and, to be clear, I'm quoting no one in that sentence; those are scare quotes). Until further notice, the Timbers are the underdog in every game the play, even against a stumbling-drunk Sunday park league, because I'd count on that team to outright fucking own them at this point.

OK, deep breath. Psssh-Ooooooh, Psssh-OOOooooohhhhhh, Pssh-OOOOOOOOOooooh, shit, I’m gonna pass out.


I don’t even know where to start with this. When you’ve sunk to the bottom of Hell, is there really nowhere to go but up, or, this being Hell, is there a trap door to deeper Hell? (Also, call San Jose, because they might have advice on that besides lining up a game against the Timbers.) Worse, when San Jose lose at the Houston Dynamo next weekend (an event I’d put a 2-in-3 tries level of certainty), what unfolded tonight will only look worse. Tonight’s loss will look just a little more like dunking one’s head inside an outhouse on a dare and expecting someone, anyone to respect it. Dammit…deep breathing is not cutting it, still hyper-ventilating, jesus, goddammit, shit…

OK, positives, positives, let’s go there. The Timbers had a little spell early in the second half, one that would have saved one spare dollar out of shameful bankruptcy. Sadly, Portland blew one shot, and then Diego Valeri had an at-long-last-well-deserved penalty kick stuffed by an alert Daniel Vega and, unless my brain is farting nonsense, whatever feeble threat the Timbers posed to that point laid down and died after that. Heartening. This is rock bottom. I couldn’t give one wet shit where you play the worst team in the league; that’s a team a good team beats without regard to venue, and that’s everything anyone needs to say about Portland right now. After tonight’s loss, the answer to the question, “what is wrong with this team” has officially expanded to “everything.”

Nothing was as disturbing as the precise moment when Portland’s collective backs broke – e.g., when Espinoza picked off a terrible Valeri pass and, with Tuiloma exposed, found The Seam of Glory (to repeat the metaphor, the Champs-Elysees between the Timbers’ left back and central defense), from which he scored the third goal of the game, and the fifth goal all fucking season and in as many games for San Jose. To underline that point, the Timbers doubled the ‘Quakes goals per game this season from 0.5 goals to 1.0 in one game.

To continue to plumb the depths, I’m actually more disturbed by San Jose’s 1st and 2nd goals than I am by their humiliating third. The way the ‘Quakes played across the inside of Portland’s box to set up both goals amply demonstrates what even the heretofore worst team in the league can do against Portland. I won’t dignify the Timbers’ “chances” beyond the highlights I already have and, because I don’t really know where to go from here, I’m just going to wander into the wilds and see what turns up when I kick a rock out there. And, yes, this will trot out in bullet points…

Jorge Villafana Is Dead, Long Live Jorge Villafana
I don’t know the precise number of goals that have come down the Timbers’ left this season, but I do think (without investigation) that it’s disproportionate. If you think about tonight’s game (assuming you haven’t settled on trying not to) and where Villafana looked best, I think you’ll put that somewhere closer to the attack. And here’s my thought on that: between Villafana’s performance in defense this season, and Portland’s need for more width in the attack, why not push Villafana higher up the field as a winger? When he won Sueno MLS and his professional career, Villafana won it as a foraward, so, I don't know, maybe the muscle memory is kicking in or something? Why not try Zarek Valentin as a stay-at-home left back and focus on moving the attack up Jorge Moreira’s side (more later), but the larger point is, maybe playing fullback isn’t Villafana’s thing, or maybe he's lost interest, or maybe he's more needed elsewhere, but, golly, could Portland use more in the attack, especially with…

Time to Admit It
Valeri was invisible tonight. Against San Jose. It hasn’t been a normal season for him overall, never mind a good one. We all know the time will come, but will we actually recognize/accept it when it does?

Three Dudes v. San Jose

I think this is what wounded my sensibilities more than anything else, the idea that Diego Chara, Sebastian Blanco, and Jeff Attinella didn’t just look like Portland’s best players tonight, they looked like the Timbers’ only players.

The Unfinished Shopping List?
From what I gather, the Timbers have been shopping for a striker/forward this past off-season, maybe even a central defender. Both positions are unquestionably needed. To those following at home, I’m aware that I’ve said the opposite as recently as the start of 2019.

Lessira
I get it, he's new to the team and the country. But seeing Moreira race lose the race across the face of goal to Shea Salinas for San Jose's first goal, then doing nothing remarkable in the attack on either side of that makes him look an awful like the latest investment that hasn't borne fruit. The Timbers struck gold with some of its first signings, but it has been...put it this way, I bought the worst stove I've ever owned last year. I know from buyer's remorse and I feel twinges of the same when I watch certain Timbers play.

Bottom Line
To return to what I said above about Villafana, it feels like there is more than one thing off with the Portland Timbers team so far, something that goes deeper than a totally shit night out (of which, tonight was a text-book example). Agree with me or not, I’d argue that, given all the factors in play, the first step involves building the best possible back five (emphasis deliberate), and from whatever source (magic? sure, I’m open), until this…fucking maddening team can stop leaking multiple-goal games, as they have all motherfucking seasons, aka, you can’t dream your weakness away, not even against a (formerly) historically bad team because, guess what fellas, you just took their fucking place.

OK, that’s everything. And I, like you, can’t wait to face FC Dallas on the road next weekend. That should fix everything….