[UPDATE: I pulling the plug on this series due to late intelligence that a handful of teams actually post live/archived streams of games from the 2024 preseason. And gods bless them for doing so. It's for the best because the mold on these posts grow furrier with each passing week (a little like the room of my oldest child, despite attempts to preserve with museum exhibit exactitude). I will, however, float some form of preview for my Portland Timbers before the season kicks off and slip a link to that preview where it belongs (at No. 15) in the section full of links. Finally, if you scroll down to the second "UPDATE" section below, I did close out this series in the best possible way for someone who is, admittedly, half-assing it. Wait, seriously? Half-assing isn't a real word yet?]
This is the first post in an off-season project/series that will ultimately become an index for said series. The broad goal is to look back at the history of every Major League Soccer team that will compete in the 2024 season – the Orchid anniversary, from what I’m told, so get those gifts lined up – with an eye to connecting each team’s past with its present, no matter how short the former is.
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| If you loved me, I'd have this. |
The posts will come out in the order of the teams’ historic success, something I calculated on a loose scale built around what I called “Joy Points.” I’ve been compiling the underlying data for that like a damn lunatic, if with couple tweaks and updates, since the pandemic put the league in hold for the first few months of 2020. At any rate, here’s the foundation for the math, new and old:
Joy Point Index
Winning the CONCACAF Champions’ League: 5 points
Claiming Supporters’ Shield : 4 points
Winning MLS Cup: 3 points
CONCACAF Champions’ League Runner-Up: 3 points
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2 points
Winning the U.S. Open Cup: 2 points
Winning CONCACAF Champions Cup: 2 points
CONCACAF Champions League Semifinalist: 1 point
Making the Playoffs: 1 point
Missing the Playoffs for the Majority of Seasons: -1 point
Missing Playoffs in 1996-97, 2002-2004 (when 80% of the league qualified): - 2 points
Wooden Spoon: -3 points (a heads up to FC Cincinnati fans...)
I appreciate that this system has flaws, that some people won’t agree with the numerical values I’ve assigned to each accomplishment and failure, but, to translate a little, I based the positives on degree of difficulty and the negatives on the amount of pain. Also, for those unfamiliar with one of the early Frankenstein-esque concepts, the CONCACAF Champions’ Cup – i.e., the regional club tournament from MLS’s 1996 founding to 2008 - was both weird and weighted in MLS’s favor for the first several seasons. Small surprise, then, that Mexican teams commenced to dominating the year after the Los Angeles Galaxy won the 2000 Champions Cup and have only needed to check the rearview in recent seasons.
To acknowledge something that will become obvious as the posts trickle out, yes, that methodolgy does reward some teams for nothing more than being in MLS since Year 1. Going the other way, that same system of credits and debits reveals how the expansion teams that hit the ground running rose to join the cream of the league. Personally, I found the way the numbers shook out in fascinating ways and, for all its faults, I hope other people do too.
Joy Point Index
Winning the CONCACAF Champions’ League: 5 points
Claiming Supporters’ Shield : 4 points
Winning MLS Cup: 3 points
CONCACAF Champions’ League Runner-Up: 3 points
MLS Cup Runner-Up: 2 points
Winning the U.S. Open Cup: 2 points
Winning CONCACAF Champions Cup: 2 points
CONCACAF Champions League Semifinalist: 1 point
Making the Playoffs: 1 point
Missing the Playoffs for the Majority of Seasons: -1 point
Missing Playoffs in 1996-97, 2002-2004 (when 80% of the league qualified): - 2 points
Wooden Spoon: -3 points (a heads up to FC Cincinnati fans...)
I appreciate that this system has flaws, that some people won’t agree with the numerical values I’ve assigned to each accomplishment and failure, but, to translate a little, I based the positives on degree of difficulty and the negatives on the amount of pain. Also, for those unfamiliar with one of the early Frankenstein-esque concepts, the CONCACAF Champions’ Cup – i.e., the regional club tournament from MLS’s 1996 founding to 2008 - was both weird and weighted in MLS’s favor for the first several seasons. Small surprise, then, that Mexican teams commenced to dominating the year after the Los Angeles Galaxy won the 2000 Champions Cup and have only needed to check the rearview in recent seasons.
To acknowledge something that will become obvious as the posts trickle out, yes, that methodolgy does reward some teams for nothing more than being in MLS since Year 1. Going the other way, that same system of credits and debits reveals how the expansion teams that hit the ground running rose to join the cream of the league. Personally, I found the way the numbers shook out in fascinating ways and, for all its faults, I hope other people do too.
That’s it for the numbers. Moving on the qualitative analysis…
I’m going to sift a narrative into these posts, some of which will track heavily with the Joy Points scoring system, while others will stray into vibes territory. To explain how that’ll work, here are the bullet points I’ll be firing in each post:
Thumbnail History
Think a stroll down memory lane, taken from a wide-angle lens, aka, free association with some hard data thrown in. It’ll take in everything, good, bad, ugly and weird.
I’m going to sift a narrative into these posts, some of which will track heavily with the Joy Points scoring system, while others will stray into vibes territory. To explain how that’ll work, here are the bullet points I’ll be firing in each post:
Thumbnail History
Think a stroll down memory lane, taken from a wide-angle lens, aka, free association with some hard data thrown in. It’ll take in everything, good, bad, ugly and weird.
Best Season(s)
This section will drill down on the hard data with a list of honors and (light) associated highlights.
Long-Term Tendencies
I see this as the trickiest of the bunch, but the goal is to flag details like attacking prowess or defensive fragility over any given team’s time in MLS.
Identity
What the sum of all the above says about them in terms of team culture.
Joy Points: Covered above, amply
10 Names to Know
A list of players who are either famous, or who I see as underscoring or elaborating both on all the above and what strike me as either habits of mind or indications of the culture at a given team.
Where They Finished Last Season & What the Past Says About That, If Anything
This will be a number, obviously, but with a couple notes on top-level stats and loose impressions. Again, that's loose impressions.
Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition
The first two pieces speak for themselves (right?), but the last one addresses the elephant in every off-season locker room - i.e., the steps they seem likely to take to either make things right or keep them going, as the case may be.
That’s the concept and format. I hope people find it some combination of interesting and useful, but we’ll see how it goes. Ideally, I’ll post something every other day once the season starts and that that gets the whole thing wrapped up before First Kick 2024. In the event I fall short, the omissions will include teams that have, per the Joint Points, eaten shit historically…which, it bears noting, rhymes pretty neatly with the teams that ate some quantity of shit in 2023. Of which, the overall calculus was not kind to teams from Canada. History’s a bitch, people…
From this point to the end of the post, you will someday see a team’s name and a link to its individual post. There will be29 22 names and posts when all’s said and done. Till the first one goes up, cheers! [UPDATE: Per the note up top, scroll past the links, if you're so inclinded.]
Joy Points: Covered above, amply
10 Names to Know
A list of players who are either famous, or who I see as underscoring or elaborating both on all the above and what strike me as either habits of mind or indications of the culture at a given team.
Where They Finished Last Season & What the Past Says About That, If Anything
This will be a number, obviously, but with a couple notes on top-level stats and loose impressions. Again, that's loose impressions.
Notes/Impressions on the Current Roster/State of Ambition
The first two pieces speak for themselves (right?), but the last one addresses the elephant in every off-season locker room - i.e., the steps they seem likely to take to either make things right or keep them going, as the case may be.
That’s the concept and format. I hope people find it some combination of interesting and useful, but we’ll see how it goes. Ideally, I’ll post something every other day once the season starts and that that gets the whole thing wrapped up before First Kick 2024. In the event I fall short, the omissions will include teams that have, per the Joint Points, eaten shit historically…which, it bears noting, rhymes pretty neatly with the teams that ate some quantity of shit in 2023. Of which, the overall calculus was not kind to teams from Canada. History’s a bitch, people…
From this point to the end of the post, you will someday see a team’s name and a link to its individual post. There will be
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| Highly-stylized, but worth the time. |
As for the rest, I can cover them on a reasonably brief tour. Commence the speed round:
Toronto had six good-to-great seasons, one that saw them win the Cup and the Shield in the same season (2017), plus two more trips to the final; sadly, that handful of glory years failed to lift them above the burning hellscapes and flaming egos that lurk on either side; Austin FC is a new team that had one decent season and I'm not seeing a bright future for them, that is all; because they had two of my favorite all-time players in Laurent Ciman and Ignacio Piatti, I regret not getting to CF Montreal, but, a CCL-glory-run aside, they've missed the playoffs more often than they've made them and the only "trophy" they've ever lifted (outside the Canadian Championship, which I didn't track for this series) was the Wooden Spoon (in 2014); finally, anyone who has followed this series should appreciate how many Joy Points any MLS team can gain for nothing more than playing in MLS for a long time - e.g., see the Colorado Rapids at No. 17 all time - and that tells you everything you need to know about San Jose and Vancouver. To give San Jose some credit, they've won a handful of trophies, only to have all that undone by many stinging visitations by the Wooden Spoon; Vancouver, meanwhile, has three Canadian Championships to hold body and soul together over what have been, multiple (though not serial) seasons of futility. But, again, I did not track Canadian Championships for this series...which hardly feels like a crime given where the Canadian teams ended up in the grand scheme.
On the one hand, sure, I wish I got through this entire series. On the other, and with the exception of Toronto, none of the teams I left out have mattered for literal years. That doesn't necessarily separate them from a handful of the teams noted above, but we are within a whisker of First Kick 2024, the Future Is Now, etc. So let's get the future and hope some of the stragglers catch up.
Hey! How about 1 point for Winner- MLS Is Back Tournament? Important because it took all North America out of its Slough Of Despond in 2020. Or at least, me...
ReplyDeleteAnd maybe 1 point for the MLS team at the top of points just at the July break? To reward being a coherent team before the universal splashing of cash for the August sprint-to-playoffs. I love organized teams...
The MLS Is Back Tourney has been awarded two points in an offline discussion (i.e., I posted the note on Bluesky (still have 5 invites; any takers?)), because that holding mind and body together under those conditions was impressive. (Also, I had a totally similar experience with MLS Is Back; was delighted to have something to keep me going during lockdown.)
ReplyDeleteAs for the other thought, fair idea, but that's too much digging for this project.
Hey, is there a symbol for tongue somewhat in cheek? I really didn't expect you to re-do your well-thought out scheme. Just wanted to be that guy for a minute. See that you just dropped your flounders take. Heading there to read it.
ReplyDelete