Portland Timbers 6-0 Sporting KC: Love & Trust, Plus a Club du Foot Montreal Scouting Report

Kindly turn your attention to the little red dot...

In last week’s post, I recommended that Portland Timbers fans memory-hole the hopeless, whistle-to-whistle loss at Real Salt Lake. At the risk of pissing off, OH, everyone, I recommend that people memory-hole Portland’s Sunday-best 6-0 demolition of Sporting Kansas City. The argument for treating the SKC win like someone else’s bestest birthday ever actually makes more sense because, which of these things feels most likely to happen again: 1) Portland getting outplayed at every position but goalkeeper, or 2) the Timbers kicking rainbow sparkles out of some hapless team going for all-time Wooden Spoon?

If the Timbers roll up to Montreal on Wednesday and we see bright shimmering lights in the eastern skies, we’ll know it’s not the Aurora Borealis. It’s our boys kicking rainbow sparkles out of Club du Foot Montreal.

Needless to say, I don’t like our chances up north. I also don’t need Portland to keep this great thing rolling. All I need from them in Montreal is something between recognizable competence and three points. Per the title, this post will close with a wee Montreal Scouting Report. Before that, let’s relive the glorious thing I’m charging you all with forgetting…swear this is for your own protection.

Portland Timbers 6-0 Sporting Kansas City
What Passes for a Match Report
Even after Kristoffer Velde banged in a 6th-minute goal that was somehow equal parts unlikely and entirely on-brand, I still had no goddamn idea which way the game would ultimately goal. Speaking solely for myself, all doubts evaporated by the 26th-minute own-goal scored by that poor bastard Jacob Davis (who, just to note it, is one of several Jacobs/Jasons in SKC’s defense that I’ve seen mortally mortify himself over the first third of 2026). That one had some dark magic in it. Like a monkey’s paw curling just to give you the finger for some sin you may never have committed.

Sporting Kansas City Scouting Report & MLS Week 11 Wrap: A Parade of Weakness

So, "welcoming spirit" is a thing. 

This post ends with the Sporting Kansas City Scouting Report. For the record, (I swear) I did not do that to drag the reader through the rest of the post; skip to the bottom as the spirit moves you. It had more to do with keeping the past with the past and the future wherever it ends up. Think of it as kicking around what I know before moving on to what I think I know.

The secondary purpose comes with situating the Portland Timbers in the Western Conference before interrogating the good and bad that will come from whatever result they get against SKC. With an eye to feng shui, notes on Major League Soccer’s Eastern Conference will come first, followed by notes on the West, followed by the SKC preview. To answer the question no one asked, yes, I did abandon the idea of writing about just three games. What I can I say: restlessness makes me an unreliable narrator. With that, let’s get something out of the way:

Results I Ignored
TFC 1-1 SJ (Toronto’s burning home games on draws (5, 8 of 11 at home); San Jose will be fine)
ATL 3-1 MTL (good for Atlanta, seriously, but Montreal’s bad on the road)
PHI 0-0 NSH (Nashville will be fine; Philly’s fishing around their pants for a Wooden Spoon)
LAG 1-1 VAN (Vancouver will be fine and should stay in Vancouver, goddammit)

Moving on to…

Eastern Conference Notes
Still Nashville’s conference to lose – though I’m seeing rumors about injuries, even beyond Sam Surridge – which make the shifts below them more interesting.

FC Cincinnati 2-1 Sporting Kansas City: Progress and Precarity

Not entirely apt, I just like it.

The three points look the same in the standings - and, hello, top row - and FC Cincinnati got the expected win over a Sporting Kansas City team that has at least seven reasons to feel desperate. And yet, their 2-1 win took a lot more magic than it should have. And that matters when you think about Cincy playing taller competition.

About the Game, Briefly
Cincy looked like the cat idly swatting around a mouse over the opening 10 minutes, but the mouse started nipping at the paw from there, maybe even broke a little skin. Those little nibbles took the form of half-chances, most of the early ones through Dejan Joveljic (once, it took a hastily-assembled mob to keep him from turning a Tah Anunga giveaway into a sitter), but SKC also fired the first shots on goal and generally looked like the better bet to open the scoring…until a play that came out of the backside of nowhere turned the game on its head. Whether by choice or gamble, the visitors left Lucas Engel free on their right for most of the first half and dared Cincinnati to find a use for him. The cat bit back (a little heavy on the metaphor, sorry) when the ball finally found Engel where he could get a clean look on goal. His power/placement shot forced a save/rebound out of John Pulskamp who pushed it directly to the well-compensated and, in that moment, unmarked Kevin Denkey. He finished what might have been Cincy’s first shot of the half that ended the first half at 1-0 to the hosts. SKC shook off the blow and came out as if playing for their jobs. They knocked Cincinnati back on their heels over the opening 20 minutes of the half and even made Cincy sweat a little with a Daniel Salloi shot from no more than eight yards out and someone (probably Safi Suleymanov) coming within a foot or two (at most) of clipping an own-goal off Anunga’s heel (have to think at least one of those shows up in the full highlights). With Cincinnati bringing 80% of SKC’s energy, Pat Noonan moved to bury the game around the 65th minute by bringing on a recovering Obinna Nwobodo (for Anunga) and setting Sergio Santos loose up top; the fact he pulled (the still-recovering) Matt Miazga for Santos speaks to the mindset. The impact was far from immediate – I suspect half of Cincy’s 14 shots didn’t come until those last 10 free-wheeling minutes before the final whistle – but, for my money, those changes tipped the game and brought a little more vigor and composure to a team/shape that kept bending and chasing to that point. Even then, it took something special from Denkey – we’re talking with a diamond-studded bow and like he read first your diary, then your mind to get it 1,000% perfectly-right – for Cincinnati to score the insurance goal they ultimately needed to take all three points. When Zorhan Bassong finally broke through for SKC, and on a goal that would have shined bright on any other afternoon, they got the goal their performance deserved. Not enough, but a much-needed sliver of hope for their next game.

Sporting Kansas City Scouting Report: Mind the Banana Peel

See it, know it, avoid it. Also, cool shoes!

If that home loss to a limping Los Angeles FC side wasn’t in the sample, I would feel a bit less nervous about this one. Which is to say, I’m still a bit nervous. And that’s very much despite this…

Sporting Kansas City
1-5-1, 4 pts., 8 gf, 12 ga (-4); home 1-2-1, away 0-3-0
Last 5 Results: LDLLW
Strength/Location of Schedule
@ DC (1-2 L); v MIN (3-3 D); v LAFC (0-2 L); @ FCD (1-2 L); v STL (2-0 W)

Notes from the Field
Because they’re more mystery than I like, I clocked time over two of Sporting KC’s recent home results: the salvation draw versus Minnesota United FC from some weeks back and last weekend’s first-of-2025 win over St. Louis CITY FC; for reasons that look more misplaced with each passing week, I only glanced at their more recent home loss to LAFC…I got nuthin' besides, hype sticks, man...

Somewhat related, and no doubt because I only watched them at their best, I don’t get how Sporting KC isn’t better this season. Sure, Minnesota lit them up for three goals before they stirred – two of them easy as you like, the other a bomb from Hasani Dotson – but they kept their heads, stuck to what looked like the plan (still under Peter Vermes, fwiw), and fought back for their first point of the season. They never looked actually bad in that one, at least not any time I was watching, and most goals against played out more as a Minnesota sucker-punch (TM) than failure. Against that, Timbers fans should review some or all of the win over St. Louis to appreciate the worst-case scenario. Official stats be damned, SKC all but dissolved St. Louis’ press and strung together extended, suffocating spells of possession over both periods I watched (1st through the 15th, then 65-85). Any time St. Louis got on the ball, they struggled to do much with it; SKC defenders even shoved around Joao Klauss here and there. It took them most of the game to score their first goal and it took them many, many passes to create that goal. It felt like 20+, some under pressure, all of them under control, but the final look was clean, even slick. Just to note it, that could very well be the greatest moment of Sporting Kansas City’s season so far.

Los Angeles Galaxy 1-1 Portland Timbers: So...What's to Be Done with the Wretch?

A wretch, in one extended universe.

In any other context, you’d pocket the Portland Timbers' 1-1 road draw at the Los Angeles Galaxy with a smile. In the context of a 2022 regular season in desperate need of a great, big goose on the bum, a little...more would have been nice.

I sat through the MLS in 15 to refresh my memory (and because I could; go on, girl, relive 1/6 of the pleasure & pain) and, apart from starting after two of the Galaxy’s early chances (22:41), they confirmed my overall impression of the game: about 90% of it happened between the defenses, a paucity of break-through moments, an afternoon of 20 gentlemen running aimlessly around a big field of green with two more standing in front of their goals, largely biding their time.

Still, Portland had their positives. Yimmi Chara made a cameo as the fastest man on the pitch with his blind-side run straight past LA’s Rayan Raveloson (who very visibly said, “fuck it,” after Yimmi bolted past), which gave Sebastian Blanco an easy diagonal for the assist. A bad touch from Yimmi could have pissed it all away, but he took an atypically soft and smart touch away from Derrick Williams (best player on field, fwiw) and slotted home near-post past Jonathan Bond. That one bright shining moment carried the Timbers to within two minutes (plus stoppage time) of bringing all three points back to Portland, and I’ll get to that, but let’s wrap up the positives.

Both Claudio Bravo and, especially, Josecarlos Van Rankin had solid games, and neither got sent off, so that’s a win. Timbers’ ‘keeper Aljaz Ivacic made a mix of good and lucky saves and generally looked comfortable back there (credit where it’s due, but I’d really like to see him yell more; I expect yelling from my ‘keepers)...and, yep, I just wrapped up the positives.

The Galaxy equalized, cruelly, almost immediately after the you-didn’t-know-you’d-miss-him-till-he’s-gone Felipe Mora made his 2022 season debut. When Dejan Joveljic gained a couple yards inside on Larrys Mabiala and finally placed a ball where Ivacic couldn’t reach and/or sit on it, LA clawed back two points they barely deserved, but anyone with eyes to see it and the stomach to stare disappointment in the face could see the Galaxy piling on those kinds of half-chance passes; neither team impressed with their xG numbers, but the little xG chart on The Mothership’s stats page matches what I remember. All it took was one Timbers defender switching off – i.e., Larrys didn’t seen Joveljic’s run till he was two yards past him – a tale as old as time. Especially for Portland.

Los Angeles Galaxy v Portland Timbers Preview: The Things You'll Settle For...

The Portland Timbers return to regular season and the unfashionable precincts of Los Angeles this Saturday afternoon where they’ll face a lately what-the-fuck Los Angeles Galaxy. I’ll flag some particulars shortly, but, first, some facts:

Los Angeles Galaxy
Record/Basics: 7-5-2, , 4-3-0 home; 17 gf, 15 ga, +2
Last 10: WWTWLWLTLW (5-3-2; 3-2-0 home)
Oppo: @ POR, @ LAFC, @ CHI, v NSH, @RSL @ ATX, v FCD, @ MIN, v HOU, v ATX

What We Know About Them
After starting the 2022 season as points-poachin’ 1-0 bandits, the Galaxy spent the whole damn month of May messing with Texas. The results came back mixed - more below – but, until they crumbled like so much apple-smoked bacon at home against Dallas and Houston, the Galaxy ranked among the most disciplined defenses in MLS. The attack, on the other hand, slowed down once the early-season hype-buzz around Chicharito wore off; The Mothership’s staff scribes want it a little too bad, sometimes. You’re not reading about any given Galaxy playing running away with anything because they haven’t – up to and including LA’s latest grasp at a household name, Douglas Acosta.

Notes on Recent Form
The home loss to Dallas ended before it started – and didn’t improve overly – but the Galaxy also coughed up an early goal to Houston, and I’d call scoring early, or at least first, the key to cracking LA's defense, but then they went and had that comeback win over Austin. And yet......the only thing I can see a Galaxy fan loving after this last stretch is Dejan Joveljic, but one wunder-game v Austin by one player does not save a season. The fact that Jonathan Bond bailed their asses all the way out in that draw at Minnesota lends further weight to the argument that LA didn’t do much better than survive May 2022. Despite playing three games at home – at least two against teams lower in the table – the Galaxy collected only three points of nine from a favorable layout. The road win at Austin at the head of the run softened the blow, and the late pile-on at home prettied up the Galaxy’s goal differential, but, on the recent evidence, teams from anywhere but Austin have some reason to think they can punch a point or three out of the Galaxy.

Notes on Past Meetings of 2022
The 1-3 loss in Portland contained a lot of the Timbers’ 2022, honestly: a fullback getting sent off (Pablo Bonilla, who, like nature, finds a way to go where he must), a glorious Bill Tuiloma free-kick, and an unhealthy helping of too little and too late. And, without knowing them like their fans do, it seems to represent the 2022 Galaxy too – i.e., a sort of bland, half-anonymous stability waiting on a something special from two or three players. In this case, a Raheem Edwards cross (he’s their leading assist-man, btw) found Chicharito, who had lost Portland’s defense (so, so easy) and that shipped all three points to Los Angeles.