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| And it'll happen again about as often. |
Major League Soccer’ 2023 season kicked off Saturday with a weather-delay and an outright cancellation – so, nothing on either LA team – but, more to the point, it came with a couple upsets, one of the worst individual performances I’ve seen in years [Ed. – after reviewing some tape, make that two], and a healthy slice of late goals. Better, one of the upsets had the other two things. Which to say, the opening week hit at least one trifecta.
This post marches through nearly all the games - some more in depth than others – with...fairly quick and general notes about MLS Week. And I’ll cap off the post with “what does it all mean” for the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati. (Anyone interested in deeper dives into either of those can dive into Portland’s C&C Match Report and/or Cincinnati’s CC& Match Report), but I really do want these posts to be about everyone else in the league Teams great, and the Chicago Fire FC. Hey...pulling for you guys.
As always, the links under each score will take you to The Motherships recap screens, which, to give them the odd “well done,” I’ve always found helpful. Wait! Are they doing the Form Guide this year?! Yep! How ‘bout that...still cuts off at 33 games. Right, let’s kick things off with..
The Conifers & Citrus Official Game of the Week
Inter Miami CF 2-0 Club de Foot Montreal
So...why this game? Put it this way: I went in with a sneaking suspicion and walked away feeling like I made the right call. Full disclosure: I watched at least three quarters of it and paid about the same amount of attention. About the game, first and foremost, Miami was better than good for that result. Neither goal was elegant – Serhii Kryvstov nudged in the first with his lap and it took substitute Shanyder Borgelin two cracks from six yards out to get the ball over the line, and even only came after Ariel Lassiter’s first shot pinged off the post straight to Borgelin’s feet – but Miami managed play in a way that somehow fails to show in the numbers. Yeah, my lying eyes call bullshit on the 78.7% passing accuracy number because Miami’s players seemed to find good open options everywhere they looked. At times, particularly in the first half, Montreal couldn’t escape their own half: Miami’s Jean Mota and Gregore hung a big ol’ “Thou Shalt Not Pass” across the middle of the field and, with help from Rodolfo Pizzaro, they directed traffic back to Montreal’s goal over and over again. Maybe all the misses came with penultimate and final passes that failed to connect because, despite the clinic in the midfield, Miami neither connected with the forwards – yes, it was Josef Martinez’s debut, and he lasted about two/thirds of the game – nor created a ton of chances...a statement that is, yes, belied by a respectable haul of 18 shots, 7 on goal. My lying fucking eyes.
Montreal didn’t roll over, by any means - and they forced a minimum of three big saves from Drake Callendar (the man would kill as a soap opera hero/villain (why not both?), and he wouldn’t even have to change his name), including a great break from new transferee Aaron Herrera – but the team as a hole never quite found a way to seize the initiative, never mind the upper hand. For all the chances they created (14 shots, 6 on goal), none came during a dominant period and Montreal’s entire performance seemed, for lack of a better word, reactive.
And maybe that’s why they came undone when Miami pushed the line of engagement into their half. The hosts didn’t go full headless berserker press so much as they got players close to the passing outlets inside Montreal’s half and got on the player receiving the pass. That’s how Lassiter popped the ball loose and started off the play that led to Miami’s Rube-Goldberg-esque insurance goal. If you accept the idea that the subs gave Montreal fresh problems to deal with, you could even argue that Phil Neville figured out how to beat Hernan Losada’s Montreal twice.
Think that’s it...oh, Montreal’s starting ‘keeper, James Pentamis, left the game late holding his wrist in a way that uncomfortable, but still natural. All in all, call it a good three points for Miami to get in a season/conference in which they’re likely to need them. And I’m still interested to see what Losada does with Montreal...and, for the record, I’m expecting less than more.
This post marches through nearly all the games - some more in depth than others – with...fairly quick and general notes about MLS Week. And I’ll cap off the post with “what does it all mean” for the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati. (Anyone interested in deeper dives into either of those can dive into Portland’s C&C Match Report and/or Cincinnati’s CC& Match Report), but I really do want these posts to be about everyone else in the league Teams great, and the Chicago Fire FC. Hey...pulling for you guys.
As always, the links under each score will take you to The Motherships recap screens, which, to give them the odd “well done,” I’ve always found helpful. Wait! Are they doing the Form Guide this year?! Yep! How ‘bout that...still cuts off at 33 games. Right, let’s kick things off with..
The Conifers & Citrus Official Game of the Week
Inter Miami CF 2-0 Club de Foot Montreal
So...why this game? Put it this way: I went in with a sneaking suspicion and walked away feeling like I made the right call. Full disclosure: I watched at least three quarters of it and paid about the same amount of attention. About the game, first and foremost, Miami was better than good for that result. Neither goal was elegant – Serhii Kryvstov nudged in the first with his lap and it took substitute Shanyder Borgelin two cracks from six yards out to get the ball over the line, and even only came after Ariel Lassiter’s first shot pinged off the post straight to Borgelin’s feet – but Miami managed play in a way that somehow fails to show in the numbers. Yeah, my lying eyes call bullshit on the 78.7% passing accuracy number because Miami’s players seemed to find good open options everywhere they looked. At times, particularly in the first half, Montreal couldn’t escape their own half: Miami’s Jean Mota and Gregore hung a big ol’ “Thou Shalt Not Pass” across the middle of the field and, with help from Rodolfo Pizzaro, they directed traffic back to Montreal’s goal over and over again. Maybe all the misses came with penultimate and final passes that failed to connect because, despite the clinic in the midfield, Miami neither connected with the forwards – yes, it was Josef Martinez’s debut, and he lasted about two/thirds of the game – nor created a ton of chances...a statement that is, yes, belied by a respectable haul of 18 shots, 7 on goal. My lying fucking eyes.
Montreal didn’t roll over, by any means - and they forced a minimum of three big saves from Drake Callendar (the man would kill as a soap opera hero/villain (why not both?), and he wouldn’t even have to change his name), including a great break from new transferee Aaron Herrera – but the team as a hole never quite found a way to seize the initiative, never mind the upper hand. For all the chances they created (14 shots, 6 on goal), none came during a dominant period and Montreal’s entire performance seemed, for lack of a better word, reactive.
And maybe that’s why they came undone when Miami pushed the line of engagement into their half. The hosts didn’t go full headless berserker press so much as they got players close to the passing outlets inside Montreal’s half and got on the player receiving the pass. That’s how Lassiter popped the ball loose and started off the play that led to Miami’s Rube-Goldberg-esque insurance goal. If you accept the idea that the subs gave Montreal fresh problems to deal with, you could even argue that Phil Neville figured out how to beat Hernan Losada’s Montreal twice.
Think that’s it...oh, Montreal’s starting ‘keeper, James Pentamis, left the game late holding his wrist in a way that uncomfortable, but still natural. All in all, call it a good three points for Miami to get in a season/conference in which they’re likely to need them. And I’m still interested to see what Losada does with Montreal...and, for the record, I’m expecting less than more.
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| Brown-nosing little shits. |
Up next, The Undercards, a mix of games that interested going into the weekend and some others that raised their hands and shouted “me, me, me!” These I watched in smaller patches – i.e., 10-15 minutes here and there, with some as short as five minutes plus stoppage and another at 20 minutes plus stoppage – and with most of that centered around the time a goal was scored. So, yes, I probably missed some things (and, yes, I’m biased toward games with scoring). Well, that covers it.
The Undercards
Atlanta United FC 2-1 San Jose Earthquakes(Minutes 1-15, 35-45, and 80-90+)
San Jose opened the scoring when Jeremy Ebobisse capped off a strong start for Cristian Espinoza on the ‘Quakes’ right – not a man to leave open, people! – and looked almost certain to hold onto the win until they didn’t. They looked even more likely to hold onto the draw – no bullshit, they got the ball in deep in Atlanta’s half in the 95th and 96th minute – but, per the cliche (wait...), Atlanta’s Thiago Almada would not be denied, scoring from open play in the 93rd minute and again with a free kick on the last kick of the game [ed. I watched]. Atlanta pulled this one from deep inside Almada’s ass, basically and noted. And yet, isn’t how San Jose should feel about it the real question? My trust in the box score goes up in inverse proportion to the amount of game I’ve watched, and this one tells me Atlanta fired a lot of shots I missed (going the other way, the broadcast booth noted that San Jose’s ‘keeper, Daniel, “didn’t have a lot to do” until the death) and that Atlanta’s xG burst upward like a salmon in the second half while San Jose’s flatlined after the 50th. So, maybe not so undeserved. Now, some details on each team:
San Jose: Jackson Yueill made several incredibly smart 1-v-1 moves that opened things up for the ‘Quakes to go the other way. Jonathan Mensah dominated area in front of goal for almost the entire game – which partially explains Daniel’s calm before the loss evening – so he seems like a win, but the more I watch him, the more Cade Cowell looks more athlete than soccer player and Jeremy Ebobisse’s habit of dropping deep to get the ball isn’t all the way there yet. It may never get there...
Atlanta: It seemed like every play passed through Andrew Gutman. It was actually kind of nuts. Moreover, Gonzalo Pineda seems to alternate him between the flank and the channel on the right side – and that’s by positioning, not movement or overlapping – and he was...pretty effective. If nothing else, he got enough of the ball to count as common law marriage. Oh, and Luiz Araujo missed a PK in the first half (which, go figure, Gutman earned) and generally underwhelmed.
Austin FC 2-3 St. Louis CITY FC(Minutes 15-30, 40-45+, 70-90+)
If you saw the clip of the Austin FC defender passing the ball directly to Jared Stroud inside Austin’s penalty area, that miserable bastard was Kipp Keller and I can all but guarantee you he had a worse Saturday than you did (I’d put it on a girlfriend of six-to-nine months abruptly checking out). Keller day started in the 11th minute, when he replaced Julio Cascante (saw something about an abductor (oh, and heads collided all over in the first 20 minutes; St. Louis’ Indiana Vassilev left with a broken nose)) and ended with him either causing or getting beat on every St. Louis goal. Apart from going viral, because terrible day, he lost the wily veteran Tim Parker on the first (then again, Austin ‘keeper Brad Stuver missed him going the other direction) and bit on all of the frankly lumbering Joao Klauss’ chop inside, giving him a clear look at goal and/or the second-most iconic moment in St. Louis’ MLS history (their first-ever MLS goal is the most iconic...right?). On the other hand, fuck it, at least the guy made history. In the bigger picture, St. Louis played an impressively aggressive game: any time they didn’t pin Austin in their own half, St. Louis kept a good shape any time they got past it and, when they attacked, St. Louis got good numbers forward. Was the win still a fluke? In a but/for Kipp Keller kind of way, possibly...and I say that fully appreciating how much all that killed the young man. But St. Louis still looked like the better team in most of the footage I saw – and it wasn’t all that close. Still, that long ball to Austin’s Sebastian Driussi? And the way he took it down? Mighty fine. Now, a couple details:
Austin: Their second goal came from a very nice, catch-me-if-you-can combination up the left between Diego Fagundez and Jon Gallagher. That was hands-down the best thing I saw Austin do – and you know they thought it won them the game. Nope. Oh, and I barely saw Gyasi Zardes out there...might have been part of the problem.
St. Louis: They gave a very good first impression, but we’ll see how long it lasts. Klauss is a fucking tank and looks as clumsy as one, but he made it look easy on most touches; the same goes for Eduard Lowen, their No. 10, though with a lot less (that’s not to say, no) clumsiness. All in all, they appear impressively drilled and fit.
Vancouver Whitecaps 1-2 Real Salt Lake(Minutes 15-30 and 65-80)
I took this in as Saturday’s night cap [ed. – it had company] and can’t pretend that every single one of my wits reported for duty. The top-line take-away...from the notes I can make out: Vancouver suffered one of those “five terrible minutes” losses. That’s not to take anything away from RSL, who looked sharp enough, but Vancouver completely fell apart between the 70th and 75th minute. And sometimes that’s all there is to say. This game didn’t give off a strong signal one way or the other and maybe that’s why. On the plus side, both teams actually played; the passing and movement wasn’t perfect, but it was strong in both directions (and the passing accuracy backs this up...what? stats are supporting arguments when they support your thesis), and the entire affair turned on breakdowns – e.g., Vancouver went ahead on a set-piece where RSL’s defense looked like people running to pre-determined marks instead of minding the runners, while RSL equalized on a set-piece that saw the ‘Caps defense lose Justen Glad at the back-post. RSL got an extra boost when Damir Kreilach announced his return by finishing off the best move of the night; seriously, this is the kind of goal you show someone to explain how smart/good a player is. Not unlike Miami, RSL banked three hard points in this one. Now, some notes...
Vancouver: Despite giving up two goals, Yohei Takaoka looked good as advertised, so that’s nice, but Vancouver stood out collectively more than they did individually. Don’t know if that’s good or bad yet...
RSL: Glad was everywhere, which reminded me that he may be the least talked about, genuinely good defenders in MLS. Somewhere a little patch down the ladder, you’ll find RSL ‘keeper, Zac MacMath. I don’t think anyone backs him as the best ‘keeper in MLS, but he’s closer to the best than he is to the worst. Flying under the radar, justified or not, seems like the RSL way. Tricky fuckers...
The Undercards
Atlanta United FC 2-1 San Jose Earthquakes(Minutes 1-15, 35-45, and 80-90+)
San Jose opened the scoring when Jeremy Ebobisse capped off a strong start for Cristian Espinoza on the ‘Quakes’ right – not a man to leave open, people! – and looked almost certain to hold onto the win until they didn’t. They looked even more likely to hold onto the draw – no bullshit, they got the ball in deep in Atlanta’s half in the 95th and 96th minute – but, per the cliche (wait...), Atlanta’s Thiago Almada would not be denied, scoring from open play in the 93rd minute and again with a free kick on the last kick of the game [ed. I watched]. Atlanta pulled this one from deep inside Almada’s ass, basically and noted. And yet, isn’t how San Jose should feel about it the real question? My trust in the box score goes up in inverse proportion to the amount of game I’ve watched, and this one tells me Atlanta fired a lot of shots I missed (going the other way, the broadcast booth noted that San Jose’s ‘keeper, Daniel, “didn’t have a lot to do” until the death) and that Atlanta’s xG burst upward like a salmon in the second half while San Jose’s flatlined after the 50th. So, maybe not so undeserved. Now, some details on each team:
San Jose: Jackson Yueill made several incredibly smart 1-v-1 moves that opened things up for the ‘Quakes to go the other way. Jonathan Mensah dominated area in front of goal for almost the entire game – which partially explains Daniel’s calm before the loss evening – so he seems like a win, but the more I watch him, the more Cade Cowell looks more athlete than soccer player and Jeremy Ebobisse’s habit of dropping deep to get the ball isn’t all the way there yet. It may never get there...
Atlanta: It seemed like every play passed through Andrew Gutman. It was actually kind of nuts. Moreover, Gonzalo Pineda seems to alternate him between the flank and the channel on the right side – and that’s by positioning, not movement or overlapping – and he was...pretty effective. If nothing else, he got enough of the ball to count as common law marriage. Oh, and Luiz Araujo missed a PK in the first half (which, go figure, Gutman earned) and generally underwhelmed.
Austin FC 2-3 St. Louis CITY FC(Minutes 15-30, 40-45+, 70-90+)
If you saw the clip of the Austin FC defender passing the ball directly to Jared Stroud inside Austin’s penalty area, that miserable bastard was Kipp Keller and I can all but guarantee you he had a worse Saturday than you did (I’d put it on a girlfriend of six-to-nine months abruptly checking out). Keller day started in the 11th minute, when he replaced Julio Cascante (saw something about an abductor (oh, and heads collided all over in the first 20 minutes; St. Louis’ Indiana Vassilev left with a broken nose)) and ended with him either causing or getting beat on every St. Louis goal. Apart from going viral, because terrible day, he lost the wily veteran Tim Parker on the first (then again, Austin ‘keeper Brad Stuver missed him going the other direction) and bit on all of the frankly lumbering Joao Klauss’ chop inside, giving him a clear look at goal and/or the second-most iconic moment in St. Louis’ MLS history (their first-ever MLS goal is the most iconic...right?). On the other hand, fuck it, at least the guy made history. In the bigger picture, St. Louis played an impressively aggressive game: any time they didn’t pin Austin in their own half, St. Louis kept a good shape any time they got past it and, when they attacked, St. Louis got good numbers forward. Was the win still a fluke? In a but/for Kipp Keller kind of way, possibly...and I say that fully appreciating how much all that killed the young man. But St. Louis still looked like the better team in most of the footage I saw – and it wasn’t all that close. Still, that long ball to Austin’s Sebastian Driussi? And the way he took it down? Mighty fine. Now, a couple details:
Austin: Their second goal came from a very nice, catch-me-if-you-can combination up the left between Diego Fagundez and Jon Gallagher. That was hands-down the best thing I saw Austin do – and you know they thought it won them the game. Nope. Oh, and I barely saw Gyasi Zardes out there...might have been part of the problem.
St. Louis: They gave a very good first impression, but we’ll see how long it lasts. Klauss is a fucking tank and looks as clumsy as one, but he made it look easy on most touches; the same goes for Eduard Lowen, their No. 10, though with a lot less (that’s not to say, no) clumsiness. All in all, they appear impressively drilled and fit.
Vancouver Whitecaps 1-2 Real Salt Lake(Minutes 15-30 and 65-80)
I took this in as Saturday’s night cap [ed. – it had company] and can’t pretend that every single one of my wits reported for duty. The top-line take-away...from the notes I can make out: Vancouver suffered one of those “five terrible minutes” losses. That’s not to take anything away from RSL, who looked sharp enough, but Vancouver completely fell apart between the 70th and 75th minute. And sometimes that’s all there is to say. This game didn’t give off a strong signal one way or the other and maybe that’s why. On the plus side, both teams actually played; the passing and movement wasn’t perfect, but it was strong in both directions (and the passing accuracy backs this up...what? stats are supporting arguments when they support your thesis), and the entire affair turned on breakdowns – e.g., Vancouver went ahead on a set-piece where RSL’s defense looked like people running to pre-determined marks instead of minding the runners, while RSL equalized on a set-piece that saw the ‘Caps defense lose Justen Glad at the back-post. RSL got an extra boost when Damir Kreilach announced his return by finishing off the best move of the night; seriously, this is the kind of goal you show someone to explain how smart/good a player is. Not unlike Miami, RSL banked three hard points in this one. Now, some notes...
Vancouver: Despite giving up two goals, Yohei Takaoka looked good as advertised, so that’s nice, but Vancouver stood out collectively more than they did individually. Don’t know if that’s good or bad yet...
RSL: Glad was everywhere, which reminded me that he may be the least talked about, genuinely good defenders in MLS. Somewhere a little patch down the ladder, you’ll find RSL ‘keeper, Zac MacMath. I don’t think anyone backs him as the best ‘keeper in MLS, but he’s closer to the best than he is to the worst. Flying under the radar, justified or not, seems like the RSL way. Tricky fuckers...
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| Among the titans of intelligence officials. |
And, now, to close out the rest of MLS Week 1 in one long paragraph. Except where noted, I watched the 7:00+ minute recaps of all those results and picked through the box scores as well. With that as my thin foundation – and, golly, if I don’t feel like a CIA “analyst” reading a bunch of context-free sig-int raw data – here is...
The Rest
Nashville SC 2-0 New York City FC
Charlotte FC 0-1 New England Revolution
DC United 3-2 Toronto FC
Orlando City SC 1-0 Red Bull New York
Philadelphia Union 4-1 Columbus Crew SC
FC Dallas 0-1 Minnesota United FC
Seattle Sounders 4-0 Colorado Rapids
If I ranked these in terms of the result – and I’m weighing this on the same scale I used for Miami’s and RSL’s wins (i.e., banking three points) – I’d call Orlando’s win over the Red Bulls and Minnesota’s win over Dallas the “biggest” results. I mean, Orlando barely shot the ball and it took them a late-mid-game penalty kick to score (also, Martin Ojeda and Ercan Kara barely showed in the highlights), but three points is three points and just about everyone expects a good season for the red half of New York, so free points! And...I couldn’t make myself watch Dallas v Minnesota, but good on Minnesota. New England rode a bit of a garbage goal to a win in a remarkably even game at Charlotte – and I didn’t like seeing ex-Timber Bill Tuiloma get caught somewhere between two minds and no-man’s-land on that one – but Charlotte had some decent chances and that Vargas guy looked lively [Note: remember to write down full names]. Nashville posted what looked like a thoroughly-competent win on an NYC team that’s still waiting on parts – and Hany Muhktar scored a knock-out insurance goal – and I think that’s it for the dull wins. All the few people I read sang the praises of Philly and Seattle for their throttlings of Columbus and Colorado, respectively, but a) who didn’t expect those results, if by some other magnitude – but the Union scored some beauties, and the Joaquin Torres to Julian(?) Carranza goal is the Official Conifers & Citrus Goal of the Week – and b) one of those teams left their back-line buck-naked on the cusp of the season, while the other loaded up on defensive-type players and still got burned with yet another bad-penny performance by Lalas Abubakar, who was in or about the downtown neighborhood of at fault for two of Seattle’s goals. And the “buck-naked” thing referred to Columbus shipping Mensah without a back up...savvy. Last and least in importance, but pretty high up there in thrills, DC battled back after losing an early lead. Better, they did it while staring ego death straight in the face in the form of two stoppage time goals, both from the left, and the second by an assist that looked nearly impossible.
So...What Does All That Mean For...
The Portland Timbers
Portland arguably (fine...definitely) got away with their game as opposed to winning it, so nothing could really do them any harm. Perfect season so far, amirite? That said, seeing Seattle win, not to mention a couple teams Portland vied against rather directly in 2022 – e.g., RSL and Minnesota, with pretty decent games for Houston and Vancouver thrown in as a sidebar – asks how much they’ll get away with this season...which is where I remind you that they have a big fucking cushion – like the ones they use when they send stuntmen of buildings.
FC Cincinnati
It’s a little more tricky down here. With the exceptions of Montreal’s loss to Miami, I didn’t see any real surprises in all the other results involving Eastern Conference teams – fwiw, I’d put the Red Bulls’ road loss at Orlando on the higher end of mild surprise and a thrown-together NYC losing on the lower – but Cincy even kept up with everyone’s favorite cool kidz, Philly. On the one hand, the future would look brighter if Cincy had against Houston, and on the other, the panic button isn’t even in the same room as Cincy right now.
Last Week Is Dead, Long Live Next Week
I’m going to close by ticking through all the games keyed up for MLS Week 2. They all have narratives (goddammit!), so I’ll touch on all of them (them all?). Also, they’re organized into categories. Going from most-enviable to least:
Big Early Test
Orlando City SC v FC Cincinnati
Because I think both teams are on most people’s “competitive” list, three points for either team = big.
Same, with 20 Grinds of Pepper
Red Bull New York v Nashville SC
Same as the above, but I mind “grind” in a bad way. Muhktar’s always fun, of course, and I think most people like MLS better when the Red Bulls pop, but I’m expecting ugly and pretty damn boring.
Wee Cupas del Vengeance
Austin FC v Club de Foot Montreal
San Jose Earthquakes v Vancouver Whitecaps
FC Dallas v Los Angeles Galaxy
Five of those teams played in Week 1 and, despite playing well and/or Kipp Keller, all five of those teams lost. Two of them are at home, and Dallas has (or should have) the extra incentive of staring with a home loss to what most expect to be a boring team. Add an LA kicking off its season opener, all these teams want to win a little more than most because they have reason to believe they should.
...Can They Get Away With It Again?
Inter Miami FC v Philadelphia Union
St. Louis CITY FC v Charlotte FC
Seattle Sounders v Real Salt Lake
The title applies mostly to Miami, RSL – and goes double given the overall circumstances – but St. Louis slips in as an expansion team. Wins by either RSL or Miami should get people talking. For St. Louis, it's mostly about getting all three points out of what should be a winnable game.
Could Been a Contender
Los Angeles FC v Portland Timbers
Chicago Fire FC v New York City FC
Had Portland done more than gesture vaguely toward victory, and if Chicago opened its season against any team but an NYCFC team everyone agrees is incomplete, these would be more compelling games. Whoopie cushion. There. Made it better.
Meh
Atlanta United FC v Toronto FC
Columbus Crew SC v DC United
New England Revolution v Houston Dynamo FC
Colorado Rapids v Sporting Kansas City
New England has a reasonable shot at becoming interesting if they win against Houston, and God knows how bad Colorado wants redemption, but I see every other conceivable result from any of those games as almost entirely contingent on three more things. In other words, wait and see....
And yet, isn’t that we should be doing about all of this?
That’s it for this one. Holy tiring shit. Are you ready for some football? Woo.
The Rest
Nashville SC 2-0 New York City FC
Charlotte FC 0-1 New England Revolution
DC United 3-2 Toronto FC
Orlando City SC 1-0 Red Bull New York
Philadelphia Union 4-1 Columbus Crew SC
FC Dallas 0-1 Minnesota United FC
Seattle Sounders 4-0 Colorado Rapids
If I ranked these in terms of the result – and I’m weighing this on the same scale I used for Miami’s and RSL’s wins (i.e., banking three points) – I’d call Orlando’s win over the Red Bulls and Minnesota’s win over Dallas the “biggest” results. I mean, Orlando barely shot the ball and it took them a late-mid-game penalty kick to score (also, Martin Ojeda and Ercan Kara barely showed in the highlights), but three points is three points and just about everyone expects a good season for the red half of New York, so free points! And...I couldn’t make myself watch Dallas v Minnesota, but good on Minnesota. New England rode a bit of a garbage goal to a win in a remarkably even game at Charlotte – and I didn’t like seeing ex-Timber Bill Tuiloma get caught somewhere between two minds and no-man’s-land on that one – but Charlotte had some decent chances and that Vargas guy looked lively [Note: remember to write down full names]. Nashville posted what looked like a thoroughly-competent win on an NYC team that’s still waiting on parts – and Hany Muhktar scored a knock-out insurance goal – and I think that’s it for the dull wins. All the few people I read sang the praises of Philly and Seattle for their throttlings of Columbus and Colorado, respectively, but a) who didn’t expect those results, if by some other magnitude – but the Union scored some beauties, and the Joaquin Torres to Julian(?) Carranza goal is the Official Conifers & Citrus Goal of the Week – and b) one of those teams left their back-line buck-naked on the cusp of the season, while the other loaded up on defensive-type players and still got burned with yet another bad-penny performance by Lalas Abubakar, who was in or about the downtown neighborhood of at fault for two of Seattle’s goals. And the “buck-naked” thing referred to Columbus shipping Mensah without a back up...savvy. Last and least in importance, but pretty high up there in thrills, DC battled back after losing an early lead. Better, they did it while staring ego death straight in the face in the form of two stoppage time goals, both from the left, and the second by an assist that looked nearly impossible.
So...What Does All That Mean For...
The Portland Timbers
Portland arguably (fine...definitely) got away with their game as opposed to winning it, so nothing could really do them any harm. Perfect season so far, amirite? That said, seeing Seattle win, not to mention a couple teams Portland vied against rather directly in 2022 – e.g., RSL and Minnesota, with pretty decent games for Houston and Vancouver thrown in as a sidebar – asks how much they’ll get away with this season...which is where I remind you that they have a big fucking cushion – like the ones they use when they send stuntmen of buildings.
FC Cincinnati
It’s a little more tricky down here. With the exceptions of Montreal’s loss to Miami, I didn’t see any real surprises in all the other results involving Eastern Conference teams – fwiw, I’d put the Red Bulls’ road loss at Orlando on the higher end of mild surprise and a thrown-together NYC losing on the lower – but Cincy even kept up with everyone’s favorite cool kidz, Philly. On the one hand, the future would look brighter if Cincy had against Houston, and on the other, the panic button isn’t even in the same room as Cincy right now.
Last Week Is Dead, Long Live Next Week
I’m going to close by ticking through all the games keyed up for MLS Week 2. They all have narratives (goddammit!), so I’ll touch on all of them (them all?). Also, they’re organized into categories. Going from most-enviable to least:
Big Early Test
Orlando City SC v FC Cincinnati
Because I think both teams are on most people’s “competitive” list, three points for either team = big.
Same, with 20 Grinds of Pepper
Red Bull New York v Nashville SC
Same as the above, but I mind “grind” in a bad way. Muhktar’s always fun, of course, and I think most people like MLS better when the Red Bulls pop, but I’m expecting ugly and pretty damn boring.
Wee Cupas del Vengeance
Austin FC v Club de Foot Montreal
San Jose Earthquakes v Vancouver Whitecaps
FC Dallas v Los Angeles Galaxy
Five of those teams played in Week 1 and, despite playing well and/or Kipp Keller, all five of those teams lost. Two of them are at home, and Dallas has (or should have) the extra incentive of staring with a home loss to what most expect to be a boring team. Add an LA kicking off its season opener, all these teams want to win a little more than most because they have reason to believe they should.
...Can They Get Away With It Again?
Inter Miami FC v Philadelphia Union
St. Louis CITY FC v Charlotte FC
Seattle Sounders v Real Salt Lake
The title applies mostly to Miami, RSL – and goes double given the overall circumstances – but St. Louis slips in as an expansion team. Wins by either RSL or Miami should get people talking. For St. Louis, it's mostly about getting all three points out of what should be a winnable game.
Could Been a Contender
Los Angeles FC v Portland Timbers
Chicago Fire FC v New York City FC
Had Portland done more than gesture vaguely toward victory, and if Chicago opened its season against any team but an NYCFC team everyone agrees is incomplete, these would be more compelling games. Whoopie cushion. There. Made it better.
Meh
Atlanta United FC v Toronto FC
Columbus Crew SC v DC United
New England Revolution v Houston Dynamo FC
Colorado Rapids v Sporting Kansas City
New England has a reasonable shot at becoming interesting if they win against Houston, and God knows how bad Colorado wants redemption, but I see every other conceivable result from any of those games as almost entirely contingent on three more things. In other words, wait and see....
And yet, isn’t that we should be doing about all of this?
That’s it for this one. Holy tiring shit. Are you ready for some football? Woo.
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