Getting Reacquainted with Sporting Kansas City, aka, MLS's Barely Magical Wizards

When at his best, that's when you gotta watch out.

[Standing Disclaimer: While I have watched…just a stupid amount of MLS over the years, I don’t watch the vast majority of games, never mind all of them. As such, it’s fair to take anything below that isn’t a hard number or a physical trophy as an impression, a couple steps removed.]

Thumbnail History
Seeing Sporting Kansas City as the fourth-best team in MLS history makes sense and doesn’t at the same time – especially given all the ups and downs (more than I expected or remembered, certainly) and the fact that they had their last championship season 11 years ago. They alternated between success and failure more over their first 14 seasons, reaching MLS Cup here (e.g., in 2000 and 2004) and missing back-to-back post-seasons there (e.g., 1998 and 1999 and again in 2005 and 2006). SKC became more consistent over the back 14, missing the playoffs just three times, but, after their second MLS Cup, the trophies got smaller and then stopped coming. They’ve fielded some famous goalkeepers – e.g., Tony Meola, Jimmy “White Panther” Nielsen, and Tim Melia – and as many famous defenders (e.g., Ike Opara, Jimmy Conrad, Matt Besler), and I suspect most long-time fans of MLS associate them with seemingly eternal head coach Peter Vermes’ aggressive, grinding approach to the game. Kings of the 1-0 win, basically, or even claiming the game in penalties after they throttled the life of the other team’s attack and couldn’t shove in a goal of their own: that’s probably unfair, but that’s the reputation I hold in my head. We’ll see how that holds up below, but I’ll always quietly love them for coming into the league with beautiful rainbows on their kits and literally starting as the Kansas City Wiz. The fact they thought switching “Wiz” to “Wizards” made it better? Chef’s fucking kiss.

Best Season(s)
I might get some dissents on this call – particularly given the way it centers MLS Cup 2013, a game they won on penalties over Real Salt Lake in the coldest final in league history – but I’m going with 2012 to 2017. Despite some shaky finishes (e.g., 10th overall in 2014 and 2015), SKC added three U.S. Open Cups (in 2012, 2015, and 2017) to their second MLS Cup. The counterpoint is 2000, the season they did the double (winning Cup and Shield), but the league had such claustrophobic margins back then and I genuinely believe they built their best, most stable long-time roster in the 2010s.

Long-Term Tendencies
The loose impression holds up pretty well, honestly: a couple exceptional seasons aside (some recent, e.g., 2018, 2020, and especially 2021), SKC generally sticks at average or under it in terms of goals scored (18 of 28 seasons) and generally gets at average or under on goals allowed (17 of 28 seasons). Think a lot of stacked ‘n’ stubborn defenses, combative midfields and an occasionally-interrupted succession of attacking stars to turns Ds (or Ts) into Ws. For what it’s worth, I do think this is shifting, if slowly, and with Vermes’ blessing. He’s mellowed. Except when it comes to working the refs.

Portland Timbers 0-0 Minnesota United FC: Mediocre Meets Good

That's the best image I could find for "curse." Infrastructure?

The Portland Timbers have scored just 1.0 goal per game in their past 10 games. They just crossed over into playing sub-.500 ball (4-5-1), the excuse they were playing tough teams at home dried up with games against DC United (a loss) and the New York Red Bulls (a loss), and it continued today against Minnesota United FC, even if the excuse was better. They haven’t scored at home in three whole goddamn games, and that makes the following question the only game in town: are the Timbers cursed or are they just not good enough in 2019?

Today’s goal-less/soul-less draw at home against MinnesotaUnited FC gave state’s evidence for cursed. Portland created real chances (shit, more than I thought too) and, to be clear, most of their best chances were not among the 11 shots on goal, if for no better reason than Cristhian Paredes’ header off the post doesn’t count as a shot on goal, also, make your subjective metrics better, dammit. To reframe the issue, and properly: Portland created chances and opportunities just fine; they just don’t put them way. Also, yes, the issue of making bad decisions, or piss away a half decade before making a bad decision (see, Polo, Andy) plays into the whoa-whoa-woes the Timbers have to wrestle to ground down the short neck of 2019.

And, to circle back to the question/issue left hanging at the end of the first paragraph, Portland has played every one of the past 10 games at home, except the loss on the road to this same Minnesota team at the beginning of that 10-game stretch. So, that’s four points of six to Minnesota to bookend the beginning of Portland’s demise(?), and that makes a case that Portland has found its natural habitat at the fringes of the red velvet rope that divides teams in and out of the MLS playoffs…which, again, is the opposite of exclusive. More teams still make it into the MLS playoffs than don’t, and that's the real-world measure of how badly you have to be doing things – and globally – to miss out. The bar is low and the Timbers’ chances of failing to clear it get higher with every result that falls short of three points.

MLS Tourist Guide, Calendar Week 2: "Super"Draft, Signings and Sayonara

My relationship to MLS, a visual.

Another week, another round-up, in which I put my hand on MLS like I’m guarding the bucket. (Is it March 2^nd yet? For the love of GOD, can somebody please kick something?)

I’ll start with the big events, then talk about the U.S. Men’s National Team (FC Cincinnati’s fault for picking Frankie Amaya; I’ll explain), then my two favorite children (Cincinnati and the Portland Timbers), and I’ll wrap up with whatever team-specific activities interested me over the week just past.

MLS CaveatedDraft 2019

The week’s marquee event was the MLS Superdraft, and I won’t be the kind to put on airs and pretend I didn’t peek at the results through the first round, because I did. I will, however, say the same thing I say every Superdraft: it’s a veritable "who’s that" of American soccer (and it's “who will never be” for too many of those players). The few details I know come from the Mothership (MLS’s main site), which handed out for grades for each team’s draft. On that, what does an “A+” at an event most cognoscenti dismiss do for a team, really? On one level, this is ping pong at The Olympics, only the Chinese don’t always win.

All the same, it’s the first event of the annual MLS calendar and I love it, and I’ll go for the eyes of the first person to cast aspersions at it. (Who knows? Maybe the vestigial panic about the league going under never left?) From what I read, this year’s edition had moments of real beauty (even if I can’t find them), like FC Cincy’s Logan Gdula’s choking back tears as he took his first step toward his dream (wishing you many more steps, kid, and why not start early!). Getting excited about a player whose 2019 ceiling projects to starting for your MLS team’s USL team doesn’t come easy, but it’s not a terrible system. Call it a good way for your late-bloomers to reach the other side of puberty – your Davy Arnauds and Chris Wondolowskis – players who want it bad enough to figure out a way to get there. They can be better captains than players sometimes, but it takes a village, yeah?

MLS Week 6 Review: The Hot (and Cold) 10

Little shits won't even start running...

(Shit! Hate when I come up with a name for a feature after I post it. Oh well, enjoy the fucking toddlers!)

About 10 teams into this post-Week 6 status check on every club Major League in Major League Soccer (MLS), I noticed I was very tired. Just head dropping on the desk. That it was 11:30 p.m. didn't help. When I turned to the 11th team, however – think it was Sporting Kansas City – I perked up a little. Not enough to plow through the eight teams left, but that re-engagement signaled something.

The reality is, I won't have much to say every week about every club in MLS. Some number of them – let's go with half – don't really warrant more than a sentence. With that in mind, I'm limiting these grand weekly reviews, at least substantively, to the 10 MLS clubs who most interested me after the week just past. The other 10 clubs, I'll touch on, but they won't get more than a sentence. It's on them to become interesting, whether by being great (uh, no one), wounded (hello, Sporting Kansas City!), or deeply, deeply crappy (hola, FC Dallas!).

At any rate, the comprehensive thing kind of served its purpose. It captured that moment in the new season when every club had a chance to be great. With Week 6 in the books, little narratives are shaping up for most clubs. Are all of them coherent? Oh, HELL, no. Are any of them coherent? Uh, some more than others.

Put it this way: my analogy for MLS after Week 6 is a 30-yard race between toddlers – that is, it's very disorganized, sometimes endearing (aawww, they won!), and no club looks all that interested in the finish line. That's another way of saying the "Sinking, Swimming, Treading Water" thing (see past editions) never quite added up. At this point, the whole damn league is treading water.

Life being the motherfucking time-sucking treadmill that it most surely can be, I caught only two full games during Week 6. And one of the damn things broke my heart...should be obvious which one. Before moving on, let me pause briefly to again praise MLS Live's condensed game offerings. I feel a lot more secure in my judgments this week. Any, the two games I caught:

DC United v. New York Red Bulls
Portland Timbers v. Orlando City SC