Portland Timbers 0-0 Los Angeles Galaxy: How Hell Works

Marvin did that again? And again? And again? And again?

There was this band in Pullman, Washington way back when called Ignatius, who had a song titled “Waxing Pathetic.” Wish I could find that one right now...

FC Cincinnati played profoundly unwatchable soccer for three solid years. Just head-up-your-ass aimless stuff that made you wonder why they bothered.. I bring that up to explain this tweet:

“My spectator-sports life has come full circle: watching Portland feels like watching FC Cincy used to and vice versa.”

Maybe someone with a gambler’s personality/pathology could look at the last 10 minutes of the Portland Timbers’ exhausting and goal-less home draw against the Los Angeles Galaxy and talk himself into believing they’re due for something better. After 80 minutes of material that, frankly, insulted the concept of nothing, the Timbers finally located the goal and tried to put the ball in it – something long-time fans might recognize as the prime directive of the beautiful game. The increasingly maligned Jaroslaw Niezgoda fired his first shot – and the Timbers’ only shot on goal – at the 89th minute; that’s almost certainly the closest Portland ever came and Niezgoda would slice a header wide just minutes later. Justin Rasmussen fired a good, if tricky look into the stands some time later: and, yeah, that covers close to everything the Timbers did in the attack today.

Nearly everything outside of that fell somewhere between useless and dispiriting. A couple isolated moments aside, Portland hasn’t had an attack worthy of the name all seaosn. I’ll tease out a couple reasons why below – forgive me if I’ve made the same notes before, but also blame the Timbers for doing the same flailing shit over and over again – but I’d call that the second most disturbing thing about what has been a god-awful start to the 2023 season. The first thing: a genuine, thoroughgoing and baffling inability to either hold onto the ball or do something with it – and over stretches of the game that somehow feel longer than the game. I’m pretty sure that’s how Hell works, by the way...

The Galaxy, meanwhile, have some light ruing of their own to do. They never dominated the game, but they did enough to push 50/50 to 60/40 in their favor for most of the first half. They pinged two shots off Portland’s post – one by forward Preston Judd in the first half, and another by the lively Memo Rodriguez on a free-kick (I think) in the second – Gaston Brugman came within a couple fingertips of lobbing David Bingham somewhere in the first five minutes, and they had a couple other good looks besides. The Galaxy moved the ball pretty well, too, or at least they seemed to know where to look for the next pass more often than not (and literally doubled the Timbers on number of passes); if Portland can claim a win on defense, it was forcing Riqui Puig to get on the ball at the base of LA’s attack and thus endeth the list.

Portland Timbers 1-3 Los Angeles Galaxy: Notes on a Parade of Elephants

I, like you, see more than one problem...

Never has a final whistle sounded more like a choir of angels. With that, let us pick the corn out of that piece of shit.

I’d like to begin by thanking the people involved for the few highlights. First up, Bill Tuiloma for delivering the Portland Timbers their one and literally only highlight with an elegant free-kick early in the second half. Second, let’s have a big round of applause for Madison Shanley, who (from what I gather) sang the national anthem while wearing a very red t-shirt with the equally relevant words, “YOU KNEW” in bold black across the front. Way to use the platform and keep on shining you crazy diamond.

Up next, yes, I think the Timbers had two very reasonable shouts for penalty kicks for which, as I see it, PRO Referees should have to answer for not calling - much as they did for a blown call in New York City FC's loss to Toronto FC. The first came when Yimmi Chara got cut down in the area…somewhere after the 73rd minute (I only know because, according to the chronology of my notes, it happened after Eryk Williamson came on for Sebastian Blanco), and, yes, I’d really like to hear the basis for not making that call. The other came later when…again, I apologize, but I’d lost interest at this point and I don’t recall which Timber had made the run, but the Los Angeles Galaxy’s Nick DePuy’s arm, again, very visibly made contact with and/or stopped the progress of a cross, and from an unnatural position. So, yeah, that would have been two penalty kicks to the Portland Timbers and a well-better-than-average chance of seeing an afternoon of mud-wrestling end in a draw. Keep racking up the "significant officiating errors," PRO referees! Really adding value out there. Sadly, I’ve got bigger fish to fry and duller axes to grind…deep breath…

I don’t give a shit about the blown penalty calls because the Timbers got the result they deserved. They lost 1-3 today, in Portland, against a Galaxy team that looked smarter, sharper and that executed better down to the last man; 1-5 wouldn’t have been remotely unfair. The Timbers, meanwhile, were fucking terrible, and uninspired besides - and I very much mean that down to the last man. Nothing can redeem that performance but better ones in future games and, by all the gods in all known religions, that had better fucking start with a change in the game-plan. Happily, I cataloged the myriad failings in a twitter thread, so I can focus on the damning and persistent issues that have led to what I’d like to think even the most hopeful Timbers fan can agree has been a bad start to the season.

Portland Timbers (Lucky) 1-1 Orlando City SC: Thoughts on a Visit from a Gift Horse

Once again, a portrait of the author. (Call me.)

I’ve decided not to feel any particular thing about the 1-1 draw that could have easily been a loss for the Portland Timbers today. The darker side of me - and that’s the fellow I’ll be chatting with for most of my comments tonight - thought Portland was running out of ideas, options and time right around the time Orlando City SC’s Andres Perea tripped Cristhian Paredes at the top of their 18. That mistake handed the Timbers a shot at redemption, as well as a plausible hold on a narrative that says they have a fair shot at getting better as time, familiarity and the return of fresh, healthy faces has time to show up in the starting XI.

And, for what it’s worth, that feels like an important narrative to maintain somewhere between the foreseeable future and the if/when it falls apart. To be clear, I’m pulling for the “if” scenario - i.e., the one in which things don’t necessarily fall apart - even if I believe 2022 has already posed some tricky questions for the Timbers.

Speaking of questions (and I’ll have more below), the big one I had after today’s game: how much did what happened today followed from Portland doing it to themselves versus Orlando doing it to them? Best-case scenario, the Timbers befouled a good game plan with poor execution - i.e., all you need to fix the problem is better execution. I saw Gio Savarese frame this as a “lack of urgency” in the attack, and I more or less accept that, if with a couple re-writes - e.g., maybe favoring early crosses that give attacking players space to run into, instead of tapping and dancing for the perfect cross against an organized defense…and I type that acknowledging that Portland found one of its better chances when Josecarlos “The Maddening” Van Rankin clipped a cross to the back post that Paredes could have buried and put the Timbers up a vital goal. That’s just one example; another could reduce all the way to something blunt and simple as pulling trigger on a half-chance instead of playing for the sitter. All that’s to say, the Timbers have a nagging habit of overelaborating in the final third, and it very much hurt them today…until Perea rescued Paredes’ visibly doomed run across the top of Orlando’s 18…get my mints, Stella, I’m going to French kiss that gift horse for…hold on, brb, and don't mind the tattered clothing…

To turn over to the bright side of things, and as much as the aesthetics favored Orlando, this was a cagey, tactical game. Portland gave them as little as the xG indicates for most of the game, but Orlando made the most of the one vivid breakdown when Alexandre Pato picked out Junior Urso’s run-from-the-depths and the latter calmly poked home the shot (though, on further review, Pato fairly clearly chopped blindly into space that found Urso, so how concscious was it?). And, sure, you could call the (more or less) free header that Benji Michel headed toward a goal in some alternate universe the moment when Orlando could have put the game away, but this was a decent performance for Portland on the defensive side. Diego Chara put in the usual heroic shift and Zac McGraw has given the Timbers good positioning with a side of aerial dominance that should have the people calling the shots thinking, if not second-guessing (and, if the theory holds, more competition should equal a better back-line). After that, Claudio Bravo achieved his usual balance of bad-'n'-ballsy, while Van Rankin played one of his better games of 2022, if only to about 10 minutes before his incredibly pointless self-sending off…again, I’m Team Bonilla/Bravo, risks be damned. Still, the defense more or less did its job, if against a team that plays like Victorian authors write, so, yeah, I’m more concerned about what the offense isn’t doing right than what the defense is doing wrong.

Portland Timbers 2-0 San Jose Earthquakes: Plop, Plop, Fizz, Fizz & Other Thoughts

Celebrate. The demon-child allowed it.

Delightful. Absolutely delightful.

Blown away as I am by Dairon Asprilla’s career-year-capping, wunder-goal, the bigger, better take-away is this: think where the Portland Timbers would be today with Asprilla’s TEN (10) goals in 2021. On numbers alone, they’d be where the San Jose Earthquakes find themselves after tonight’s 2-0 loss at Providence Park: about 10 goals on the wrong side of good and mathematically out of the 2021 Major League Soccer playoffs.

The Timbers haven't stepped into the Promised Land yet - which, here, means the good bits, way past where Moses got - but they’ve bought themselves a fuck-up, maybe even a fuck-up-and-a-half, down the stretch. And I’m starting there for a reason, because a single sentence from Liam Ridgewell, tonight, from the broadcast booth, gave me the words for a concept tonight, maybe even a thesis:

Once one team breaks another, everything else goes out the window. Just put the game on ignore and enjoy it…so long as your team is one the right side of it.

Ridgewell kept going back to the idea of a game-plan, the importance of sticking with it, even to the point of eschewing tempting opportunities for heroism - i.e., know your role, operate within it, trust your teammates will do you the same, block out all the signs and voices bellowing “[YOUR COACH’S NAME HERE] OUT,” and stick with it till the plan comes together and everyone wearing the same shirt as you gets the big win. Sometimes it doesn’t work, sometimes it does and it becomes a team’s “identity,” but,  at the end of it all, it’s just a set of assumptions a team plays under in order to make decisions and/or plays happen a little faster. Right?

As follows from, one team breaks another when they make the assumptions by which they operate fall apart. And, yeah, Asprilla’s goal was spectator-sports ecstasy, but the bigger, better thing framing for tonight’s game was, “there but for the left hand of J. T. Marcinkowski, San Jose would have eaten bowls full of shit.” From the time the ref blew the opening whistle for the second half to the end of the game, the game didn’t look like anything else but a Timbers win. And…confirmed: San Jose’s xG flat-lined after the 45th; it didn’t really do much from the 10th minute, honestly. Which gets back to what I’m saying about breaking a team…

Portland Timbers 2-1 Houston Dynamo: Free Points!

So filthy.

I’ll start with a note to anyone who runs the game, whether in the front office or from the coach’s bench: soccer is one hell of a lot more fun between two teams who want to win; the visuals fall apart when you throw in one team that doesn’t want to lose. The Portland Timbers and the Houston Dynamo FC played it right tonight, so credit to both teams. That was fun!

Moving on, how do you spell G-R-A-V-Y? Three points at home while resting your starters. Just in fewer letters.

Gods in heavens, where do I begin?

Due to general enthusiasm, my notes on the Timbers 2-1 home/understudy win over Houston read (in general terms) as, “oooh, did you see that?!” As such, I’m going to do two things in this post:

1) Address the game in general terms; and
2) pass out player grades (or comments) for every Timber who played tonight.

So, I’ve never done player grades (at least that I can recall…hiccup!), but, given that Portland decided to lead with its depth (classic weak-hand trump game strategy, btw), going that route feels appropriate for this one. As we all know, there’s a long season ahead and that points to the wisdom of Portland priming its cover in every position possible - and, based on tonight’s result, progress looks good. I’ll get to that before digging into the player ratings, but first, let’s talk general terms.

The Game
There was no question as to who came out to win and who came out to contain early - that was Portland and Houston, respectively, and almost to a puzzling extent given everything that followed. The Timbers scored very early, and through what I thought (or what I sold to myself as) a Yimmi Chara dummy off a, frankly, brilliant move by Pablo Bonilla move/cross from the flank, only it wasn’t a dummy. Yimmi missed it, but Dairon Asprilla smartly played the odds and followed the play to slice home a pedestrian goal (by his standards). The Portland Timbers irregulars moved the ball smartly all over the field and all was right with the world….until it wasn’t.