Getting Reacquainted with Charlotte FC, "a Team That Plays in MLS"

I am No.1 player on [MLS Team].

Thumbnail History
I have a nasty habit of picturing Charlotte FC as a team wholly composed of Brandt Bronicos, but that’s a personal problem, not a history. Charlotte only joined MLS in 2022, but they’ve proved to be a reasonably successful, if conservative, start-up. One could make a case that they’ve improved season-on-season – e.g., no playoffs in 2022, then qualifying as a wild card in 2023, then qualifying for the playoffs clean in 2024 on the back of a lofty fifth-place finish in the East – but thar be pitfalls on the road to progress. For instance, Charlotte only scored one more goal in 2023 (45) than they did in 2022 (45), but they still allowed the same number of goals in both seasons. The sole reason Charlotte landed the wild card in 2023? MLS expanded the number of teams that qualified for the playoffs from a (half-)sensible 14 in 2022 to a comically expansive 18 in 2023 (as always, I assume they did this for Miami). Another fun fact: they scored 46 goals in 2024. If you can find a sports book that will spot you generous odds on Charlotte scoring 47 goals in 2025, one could make a dumber bet.

Most of the spicy stuff happens on the player side with this team – e.g., the failed experiment that was DP forward Enzo Copetti, the low-simmering drama around their relationship Polish forward/all-time leading scorer Karol Swiderski – but there is a lot of “Charlotte FC is a team that plays in MLS” level of buzz around the team – at least so far. They have done well with attendance – second-best in MLS in 2024, if Wikipedia’s to be trusted – but I’m guessing they’ll need get a sexier product on the field if they want to stay that high after the new-team novelty wears off.

Total Joy Points: -1

How They Earned Them (& How This Is Calculated, for Reference)
[Ed. – No need to click the above link: per the Joy Points Scale, a team only gets credit for “making the playoffs” if they progress to the quarterfinals of the MLS Cup Playoffs; still evening out on zero points beats eating the -1 for missing the playoffs entirely.]

Long-Term Tendencies
While they have been nearer (2023) and farther (2024) from doing so, Charlotte has never scored over the league average for goals scored.

Thoughts from the Meat in a Seattle and Vancouver Sandwich, aka, a Portland Timbers Review/Preview

The state of play, in blues legend form.

I think of the Portland Timbers 1-1 road draw at the Seattle Sounders in terms of finding the proper balance between love and hate. Some markers are obvious – e.g., they gave up the inevitable soft goal (this one came with a pillow-top); against that they got a bold, dare I say spicy, goal from a source (Antony) that wasn’t the big three (Evander, Felipe Mora, and Jonathan Rodriguez).

All kinds of things fall into the space between those two poles, including the way Seattle took all the game the Timbers gave them (a lot), all the shots that resulted therefrom (could have been 1-2, even 1-4 against Portland), but for Portland’s James Pantemis rising to every occasion save the one. Moreover, the draw extended the Timbers’ lease in Seattle’s collective heads. The latter might not matter at all in the big picture, but it is really, really funny in the smaller one.

The rest of this post comes in two parts, the first looking back to the Saturday’s _______ game (still working on the adjective that fits it best), the second looking ahead to Wednesday’s big, big play-in against the Vancouver Whitecaps. Courtesy of motorsports, the lingering effects of Major League Soccer’s second-tier status in the North American landscape, the Timbers get to host that one despite the ninth-place seed. I think every Timbers fan knows that by now, but the thought still brightens my face with a mirthful smile two days later.

Sorry for the delay on this going up to anyone who noticed, but I had a family reunion this weekend and it was welcome and very nice.

The Rope-a-Dope That Ropes the Dope Every Time
I’ll start by reading some more old news into the record: Portland drawing Seattle – again, this is in Seattle – resulted in the Sounders dropping to fourth place (which puts them into a playoff series against Houston Dynamo FC…but is that actually better than facing Minnesota United FC?), missing an automatic berth in to the CONACAF Champions’ League, handing the Cascadia Cup to the Timbers in their own house, and losing Obed Vargas for the first game of their three-game series against Houston. Honestly, I don’t know how Timbers fans continue to breathe through all the laughter...

Real Salt Lake 3-3 Portland Timbers: A Tale of One and a Half

The boy who cried wolf as an angsty teenager.

Portland Timbers fans have been invited to a transcendentally ridiculous party this season. What can we do but accept the invitation?

Very much related, the Timbers’ wild 3-3 draw at Real Salt Lake defies rational explanation. It was what it was and is what it is. It was necessary to endure the first half, experientially, in order to understand the full import of the second, it is always darkest before the dawn, and on every bloody morning after, one tin soldier will ride away.

Game Notes
The Timbers were very bad in one half, and just good enough in the second to smuggle one point out of Utah. Call it a Tale of One and a Half. I’m sure RSL fans feel aggrieved at the result, for a variety of reasons, but I’d peg one key moment as a shorthand for how/when the game went off the rails for them.

You could see RSL’s ‘keeper, Gavin Beavers (great name, no notes), scrambling to get his defense organized ahead of the corner kick that led to the Timbers’ first and fairly shitty goal. It recalled the boy who cried wolf barking at the villagers when shit got real, at long last, and it went just as well. The cross came in, Eric Miller nicked it more than he met it, but chaos ensued, and the ball rolled to Antony and he, for lack of a better verb, bumbled the ball into the net. At that exact moment, “the most dangerous lead in soccer” went to high alert.

The punchline to the whole thing: RSL had every reason to ignore that boy crying wolf. Their defensive shape and movement had Portland flustered to where they couldn’t connect more than two passes that didn’t go backwards. The Timbers midfield, in particular, didn’t seem to trust one another on either side of the ball; support failed to arrive on the attacking side, leading to wingers getting isolated and Felipe Mora operating in a void, and no one had a clear grasp on how to pass off players and rotate into cover on the defensive side. Between a defense as disarrayed as the Democrats and an offense that barely got off the couch (the Timbers’ official xG in the first half: 0.09), Portland looked doomed to a blowout.

Club Leon 1-2 Portland Timbers: What You Learn & What Applies

Not tonight, not today, potato, pot-ah-to

I’m not going to dig too deep in the Portland Timbers late, glorious 2-1 win over Club Leon in Leagues Cup play tonight, mostly on the grounds that there’s not much to carry over between Leagues Cup and the MLS regular season…or is there?

Very Brief Summary
Leon looked set to make the 1-0 lead they laid down at the 12th minute hold up all night (also, helluva shot) – i.e., they collapsed on 50/50 balls fast enough to turn them into 60/40s, the Timbers struggled to play into their defensive third like a mime doing the wind bit, and they couldn’t really get so much going.

By my estimation, three players – Eryk Williamson (who had some redeeming to do), Dario Zuparic, and Antony – gave a hearty “not tonight!” to all that, and in that order. When they stepped forward, the rest of the team followed and they collectively started to punch out of the semi-defensive crouch suggested by Phil Neville’s line-up. They brought back the 50/50s, generally let Leon know they had a battle on their hands, if not a game. As the minutes ticked above 60, the Timbers took Leon out of their game.

It didn’t come together all at once, but it didn’t really have to. Without hazarding a guess at the actual game-plan, starting The Millers, Eric and Zac, on either side of Zuparic and Zac McGraw, screamed “just don’t fuck up.” Leon put the Timbers in plenty of jeopardy - more in the first half than the second (highlights!) - but they gave the Timbers heck over the first 10 minutes or so of the second too - but the rotations came through and Maxime Crepeau cleaned things up every time they didn’t. All that brings me to a phrase in my notes:

“highly episodic game”

At the 58th minute, Leon held an eleven-to-three advantage on shots. Some better than others, to be sure, but that impression of each team’s output tracked as roughly correct. In a live demonstration of how and why this result turned to Portland’s favor, the Timbers cut Leon’s advantage to eleven-to-six shots fired just two minutes later, courtesy of a flurry of them that started when Felipe Mora corralled a ball over the top, cut inside, found Evander, and sat poised to be the proud father of a succession of tertiary assist. The Timbers could only punch through here and there, basically, but, at that point, they'd already had their decisive moment just over 17 minutes earlier when Zac McGraw leveled the game with a perfect placement header off a corner kick. 

Los Angeles Galaxy 3-2 Portland Timbers: The Good, the Bad, That Pet You Lost When You Were 10

R.I.P.

I’m choosing to read last night’s 2-3 loss at the Los Angeles Galaxy through a very particular lens. The Portland Timbers’ performance was…let’s go with fell short of stirring. A lot of I had to do with energy or just vibes, generally - i.e., if had one 100 random soccer fans sit through that game, none of them knowing which team had played the Wednesday before, and asked at the end who did, I’m guessing north of 70 would have pointed to the Timbers. Moreover, the fact the Galaxy started all the same forward players (i.e., the front six) for nearly the whole game makes that mythical tally looks 50% worse.

So, yeah, a front six on half-a-week’s rest put three goals past James Pantemis and, stats be damned, repeatedly got goal side of Portland’s defenders and midfielders. That they strayed offside about half the time saved the Timbers from a runaway. Or did it? The game ended with xG at 1.9 for LA and 1.7 for the Timbers, after all…I’m still deciding how much that tracks. [UPDATE: those numbers have been updated (or I read 'em wrong/tipsy): LA remains on 1.9, but Portland ended with 2.0.] Moving on…

A Summary
Portland came out looking fully prepared to go toe-to-toe at the Galaxy – and, for the first 20 minutes, that worked(!). Both teams fired warning shots over the first ten minutes, but, as the clocked ticked upward, the heavier fire came from LA’s direction. The Timbers snatched chances here and there – e.g., Santiago Moreno with a smart scoop from range at the 30th, Evander crashing the near post ~sixteen minutes later (did both make the highlights?) – but the Galaxy got a hold of the passing lanes starting around the 25th minute and the questions got heavier for the Timbers defense from there, particularly through Riqui Puig, Mark Delgado and Gabriel Pec prowling up the right.

Not coincidentally, and yet controversially, LA’s breakthrough came up the same side when Joseph Paintsil slipped behind a Timbers’ high line that wantonly flirted with danger and, together, he and Pec outran the Timbers backline for the depressingly easy goal that put the Galaxy up 1-0. If you mosey over to the Timbers subreddit, you’ll find a couple threads seething about Paintsil being offside and, having reviewed the video, I dissent (and, no, you won’t change my mind, not without really impressive graphics). More to the point, much like your gerbil/goldish/hermit crab, etc. that died when you were 10, maybe even under mysterious circumstances, that goal isn’t coming back. The pertinent question was how the Timbers would respond.

Portland Timbers 4-1 Nashville SC: Maybe We Can Have Nice Things?!

IYKYK

Just not hat tricks. Hey-OH!

Jonathan Rodriguez’s failure to top the brace he’d built through the middle of the first half with a hat trick turned to slapstick by the end of the game. Fuck it. So long as the Portland Timbers win enough games without them, I can lay down for my final rest with nothing left to check in that particular box.

For those who didn’t watch, the Timbers straight-up ran over Nashville SC tonight with a 4-0 win at Providence Park. If I had to name a defining moment for the night, I’d go with the “HOLY SHIT” huddle Nashville ‘keeper Joe Willis called after Portland’s fourth goal went into the (or his) bottom left corner for the second time.

The only real question to ask about tonight: at what precise moment did the point of analyzing this game leave the building? After the third goal? The fourth? The (holy shit, justified!) red card? (Which is in here somewhere, or better be.) If there’s a story besides the game slipping away from Nashville five three-to-four minutes at a time between the game’s 18th and 35th minutes, I couldn’t name it.

It was fun and all – which was genuinely nice, not to mention fresh – but, no, the only thing to talk about is how hard Nashville fell on their faces. To wit…

Portland scored its first goal on a turnover and by capitalizing on a literal 4-v-2.

Daniel Lovitz/Nashville gambled everything on cutting off Juan David Mosquera’s escape and, failing at that, the Timbers scored their second goal in a 4-v-3 with Eryk Williamson with all of time and space to command from the right.

The Loss v Charlotte FC, Wailing, Lamentations, and Acceptance

The cruelest serving.

You ever get to the end of a long-form math equation only to realize that you did something wrong somewhere and wound up with the wrong result? That’s what the past three match reports I’ve posted (here, here, and here) feel like after the Portland Timbers fucking bummer of a 0-2 loss at Charlotte FC. I’ll get return to the math problem, but let’s start by wrapping up what happened last Saturday with the brevity it deserves.

I don’t see the point of breaking this game down because the work of litigating what went wrong feels like writing the same thing for the…how many games has Portland played in 2024? Eleven? So, yeah, but for some time off early last month, I’d be flagging a lot of the same issues for the eleventh time.

Face-planting disasters in defense? Check! Hell, the Timbers got a two-fer-one out of Zac McGraw last Saturday (see all the way below for links). Struggles with ball progression? Covered! Not on the same page? They weren’t even reading the same goddamn book. It was so bad (how bad was it?), Charlotte’s Enzo Copetti scored a goal in open play. Timbers fans got a brimming plateful of more of the same, basically, only without the thrill of a late rally or the pain of watching an early lead slip away. Another week of dining in Hell’s cafeteria…

Over those past three match reports, I’ve pointed to a green shoot here (Felipe Mora’s back!), a bright spot there (the Timbers’ first complete game of 2024!), and maybe even sprinkled some fairy dust around both to brighten them up a little (Evander will know what to do!). Again, and I cannot possibly stress this enough, the set of problems outlined above has appeared in some form or another in every game this season and the sum of the green shoots + bright spots – (the same problems X 11) = 12th in Major League Soccer’s Western Conference and 24th overall.

Where is the line between looking past bad results and ignoring them? Is it still a green shoot if it doesn’t grow?

Los Angeles FC 3-2 Portland Timbers: A Long Journey to Nowhere and No Points

Up next, an endless lecture on wormholes...

Well, if that game didn’t barf up talking points like a frat boy sailing three sheets into the wind…

The answer to the question where to begin starts at the end of the first half with the Portland Timbers crawling into an 0-2 hole right ahead of the whistle. The entire half had…more or less sucked, but the Timbers had held on to where the optimistic sort could see them keeping things goal-less and having time to reorganize – particularly on the right side of defense where Juan David Mosquera faced acres of space to manage and a rampant Denis Bouanga to contain. Very much related, Los Angeles FC scored its first goal on the dozenth-plus time Bouanga got loose over there and cut a lethal ball across the area that slid well beyond the tips of Maxime Crepeau’s otherwise excellent fingers. When Portland’s Kamal Miller slid to meet it, he hedged the angle a couple dozen degrees inside and that put LAFC 1-0 up.

There’s nothing to do after that, of course, but to have all concerned dust themselves off, clear their heads and limit any further damage. Yeah, no, that didn’t happen. And I’m going to make a point here that will no doubt get me down-voted to oblivion on Reddit, but I’ll die on this hill: on the one hand, nearly all of LAFC’s most threatening approaches came from Mosquera’s side; on the other, that was always going to happen and what is the rest of the defense/team for if it isn’t to put out the fires he starts?

As anyone who read the scouting report below knows, I was bullish Portland’s chances in this game, if with terms and conditions. One big one: locking down the space where God, all the angels and everyone else knew they’d attack – i.e., through Denis Bouanga and at the right side of the Timbers defense. So, sure, Mosquera made two games’ worth of gaffes last night, but LAFC does not go into the locker room up 2-0 at halftime if just one other field player comes within a country mile of Timothy Tillman trotting up the middle of the field. With no one but an equally-exposed Crepeau to stop him, Tillman slotted home (only available in the full highlights, apparently) and that’s how Portland wound up in that deep hole. 

The final whistle blew on a 2-3 road loss for the Timbers, their (fer crissakes) seventh game(!) with one or fewer points – and, relevant to the overall situation, they’ve picked up zero points out of the balance of those games and just three (fucking) points from the last 21 on offer. And where can that leave a team but riding shotgun with the dregs of the league.

But, wait! There’s more! So much more! Not all of it good, but – hey! – some of it is!

Los Angeles FC Scouting Report, Hatred, Contempt & Gambling

Better at soccer, honestly...

I couldn’t get myself up for another deep dive into Los Angeles FC. Don't blame me. Blame the twits at Major League Soccer HQ, who forgot the adage about familiarity breeding contempt…

…related, LAFC fans have a lively persecution complex about everyone else in the league giving them short shrift and hating on them generally.

Some Basics
And…hey, it turns out I never actually previewed LAFC due to a mini-vacation earlier this month (#worth it), so may as well lay it all out. They currently sit on at 7th in MLS’s Western Conference on a 3-3-3 record, with a tight goal differential (+1), on the right side of average (11.3) for goals scored (15) and the wrong side of average for goals allowed (14). They boast a decent unbeaten record at home (3-0-2), which is all that matters for now because that’s where the Timbers will play them on Saturday (side note, they’re 0-3-1 on the road, which means Portland (or the ref that day, Rubiel Vazquez) gave them their first road point of 2024).

The Lineup
Head coach Steve Cherundolo lines them up in a 4-3-3 (like this one) as if he cannot do otherwise and the personnel remained stable through every game until last weekend’s draw v Red Bull New York when started Mateusz Bogusz over Eduard Atuesta in midfield for reasons I couldn’t sort out without getting into...lore, I guess. The back four typically features (left to right) Ryan Hollingshead, Aaron Long, (Timbers’ fans prime villain from the last match-up) Jesus Murillo, and Sergi Palencia. The usual midfield line-up has Tim Tillman and Atuesta on either side of famous car tire spokesman, Ilie Sanchez, while the front three has most often seen (again, left to right) Cristian Olivera, Bogusz and Denis Bouanga.

Another change in last week’s lineup: once and former New York City FC defender Maxime Chanot started in Murillo’s stead (I see something about a knock in Ye Olde Unreliable Availability Report) and, for what it’s worth, he looked something like incredible, dude can play, etc.

Columbus Crew SC 2-2 Portland Timbers: I'm Beginning to See the Light, Here it Comes, Woo-Oooh-Oooh

Here it fucking comes....

I don’t believe in moral victories, as a rule, and I’m not going to take that route for this review. To be clear, that doesn’t mean that the Portland Timbers didn’t play a damn good and wonderfully entertaining game tonight. In fact, the fact they punched even with, for all their present faults and fatigue, a consensus-best team in MLS raises Portland’s 2-2 draw at Columbus Crew SC into disappointment territory. Coulda, shoulda, woulda, etc.

Going the other way, consider how disappointed Columbus fans feel tonight and, to float a guess I may or may not confirm the The Massive subreddit tomorrow, how flaming pissed they are at everyone’s favorite ref, Ted “Drunk” Unkel. In a press conference after the Timbers’ frustrating home draw against Los Angeles FC last weekend (who's ready for the encore?), head coach Phil Neville voiced some hope that calls would break his team’s way over the run of the season. I’m not saying that process tilted toward justice tonight, I’m not saying I care, I only know Felipe Mora either had more time on the ball tonight or he got the call when he got knocked down (if by sleight of body, here and there). After that, Unkel called the usual game that only he sees through whatever contacts he’s wearing…like a goddamn random number generator with a pocket full of reds and yellows, I tell you…

Most and best of all the things about tonight’s game, yes, Roman gladiator guy, I was entertained. Both teams rewarded their fans with two top-shelf goals a piece – more on that later – the game had a lively one-team-giveth-the-other-taketh-away tension, and, typing strictly as a homer, the Timbers played their second solid game in a row. It’s not showing in the standings – hello(!), 11th in the West – and I hope to see the Timbers get all three points next week at LAFC with the desperate fervor of a 10-year-old battling against all the odds and even more doubts that the Tooth Fairy still pays a fiver-per-tooth, but I’m closer to believing the Timbers have a competitive team than I’ve been since that little flutter of hope the Timbers had during Miles Joseph’s short, interim reign. Hell, I’m willing to shout that all the way back to 2021.

To their credit, Portland exceeded the broadly conservative approach I laid out in my scouting report. Even better, they granted my wish for more robust defending over an opening 20-25 minutes that saw them go up 1-0 on top of frustrating the bejesus out of the Crew.

Portland Timbers 1-3 Philadelphia Union: The Tale of a Stubborn Middle Block

Or maybe just lost in suburban Philadelphia.

The Portland Timbers new DP forward, Jonathan Rodriguez, nodded home a flawless header late in last night’s game. His movement in response to the cross bears noting, because he kept his run on Olivier Mbaizo’s blind-side and timed his attack on the ball to, more or less, go through Mbaizo’s back. Despite being with the team less than a week, Rodriguez’s made smart runs and found useful pockets of space throughout the game. Encouraging stuff, in other words, so maybe hold that in your head as you read the rest of this, because it won’t be gentle reading.

I didn’t worry too much about the first goal the Portland Timbers gave up last night. On the hand, sure, one of the talking points from my scouting report on the Philadelphia Union was “Set Pieces, Set Pieces, Set Pieces” and the Timbers' response in that moment was “excuse me, what was that talking point again?” followed by “oh, shit!” On the other hand, it had a “shit happens” feel to it in real time and, maddening as it was to review the tape and see the defense leaving Julian Carranza unmarked in the heart of the area, Portland had just wrapped a good attacking moment on the other end five minutes prior – incidentally, one that featured Rodriguez finding a great spot on a recycled cross. He hit the post on that one...ah, what might have been...

A vague doughty optimism held, not just for me, but among the people around me in the stands up to the point when Philadelphia scored their second goal. It was at that point that a collective understanding that something was Very Wrong took hold. As an aside, I have missed the mob mentality one can only get from catching a game live; nothing like having the hive-mind buzzing in your ear for 90+ minutes…

The game ended 1-3 to Philadelphia and under a cloud of numb disappointment. That followed less from anything that happened during the game, than from the overall framing of the game. Again, the Union played this game without several key players – e.g., Daniel Gazdag, Jose Martinez, even Jack McGlynn(?) – and barely enough in reserve to populate the bench. That felt like big enough news that it counted as a major premise of my scouting report…so maybe that overall framing was a mix of delusion and hubris?

Portland Timbers 2-2 DC United: Fragility & Composure

The Portland Timbers had all three points in their sweaty palms against DC United tonight only to piss two of them away one raised arm and one catastrophic failure in weak-side defending at a time. One thing led to another and that led to a 2-2 draw-that-felt-like-a-loss final score and...disappointment. Explaining all this gets a little tricky and I want to thank the person who posts as brettcalvin42 on the Timbers subreddit for forcing me to think a little harder about all this.

After a cautious opening minute or three, DC kicked into the fast-zombie press I expected from them. Like any press, it’s designed to force and feast on errors and it started to work its dark magic until Santiago Moreno pulled the classic soccer judo move of letting a ball pass across his body to carry it past a lunging DC defender (probably Pedro Santos). With the wide spaces of the right open to him, Moreno slipped a pass into Dairon Asprilla who finished off the play neatly as you like: 1-0 to the Timbers. And, as good things follow from good deeds, that break seemed to unsettle the one-way certainty of DC’s press. Despite all the buzzing harassment, the Timbers left the field at halftime with a slim but real advantage on the attacking side. They worked transition as well as they ever have and had a real chance to score one more when Moreno found an Eryk Williamson run that twisted DC’s (I think) Christopher McVey damn near out of his shoes.

All that inspired me to chime in with a short note that ended with “I’m happy” on a game thread on the Timbers subreddit. brettcalvin42 took issue with the general statement with a curt note about how giving the ball away was killing the Timbers. Even as I stand by what I…subreddited (is there a reddit equivalent of a tweet?) at halftime, his long-view take became more right than mine as the game went on. What I want to kick around below is why that happened.

Before digging into that, a couple things bear noting. First, for as little as they did in the first half, DC did create two sparklingly clear chances – the first a free header by Cristian Dajome from the outer chack of the six-yard box (which prompted a positively adorable, “I forgive you” hug by Maxime Crepeau to Zac McGraw), the other a shoo-in tap-in for Jared Stroud rediected by a timely toe-poke by Eric Miller. Those slips aside, and with a nod to the halftime stats, I did feel good about where Portland was at halftime. So I sub-redditted about it…

Portland Timbers 4-1 Colorado Rapids: Yes, with a Great Big (Twerking) But(t)

A conversation taking place.

I’ve got an angel on one shoulder fretting about getting carried away and a devil merrily twerking on the other whispering about giving all the way in and to every temptation. The angel’s going to win this round, and for a number of reasons, but mostly because I know too much about getting ahead of myself. That doesn’t mean the Portland Timbers 4-1 stroll over the Colorado Rapids didn’t feel great and soothing (like a good heating pad…I’m using one now). It just means taking a couple considerations seriously – and starting with a big one.

The Rapids fell apart before they got started in that first half. There, I’m talking less about Portland’s first goal (which I’ll come back to) than the second. All the credit in the world to Cristhian Paredes for finding Antony isolated a step behind of the penalty spot against Colorado’s Keegan Rosenberry, but you’re not going to see a captain go down with the ship the way Rosenberry did last night outside of your more chilling maritime disasters. Even allowing for the possibility that Antony’s stronger than he looks (and after last night, that’s a yes), I don’t know how a defender with Rosenberry’s experience lets the young winger get in front of him on that play.

To circle back to the maritime metaphor, who was around him when Antony scored his second goal of the night (Portland's third)? Rosenberry. And when Antony cut across the ball that bounced of the Rapids’ Sam Vines and into the net for a collective, soul-crushing own-goal (and Portland's fourth)? Yep, Rosenberry again.

That gets to the first big caveat the damn angel has sold me on: unless he ate 1,000 bowls of Wheaties and chased it with a course of high-grade steroids over the off-season, I doubt you’re going to see Antony run over, around a through a player like he did Rosenberry. Don’t get me wrong: I really loved what I saw from Antony yesterday – his defensive work as much as the three goal contributions (and can we call that a hat trick, so long as we take the asterisk with it) - but the caveat in re Keegan Rosenberry, aka, the captain to Colorado’s Titanic, feels like a sub-caveat to a larger one. To wit: for all the changes they made to their 2023 roster, the Colorado Rapids still have some road to walk before they arrive at capable and, if Chris Armas hasn’t improved drastically as a head coach since the last time I watched him a work, Colorado’s walk will be uphill both ways and through three feet of snow.

Portland Timbers 2024 Preview: Hopes, Fears & Theories

In a better world...

“It’s Feb. 15 and [the Timbers] still have two open DP spots. It’s almost not even worth talking about them until they fill those spots.”

- Sam Jones, MLS Daily Kickoff

I hold this truth to be self-evident, and to the extent that this post won’t be so much a preview as a series of thoughts, opinions and speculation. Moreover, it starts in a place where I wish I didn’t.

When I saw the Portland Timbers line-up for their final preseason warm-up against Chicago Fire FC, I did not feel the glitz and glamour I’ve come to expect from events in the Coachella Valley. Instead, I saw too much of the same line-up I’ve seen over two back-to-back unsuccessful seasons. Here’s the (probable) line-up for that game (I couldn’t tell because that skeazy miser, Merritt Paulson, lacks the good goddamn sense to treat preseason like the course of appetizers they are):

4-2-3-1: James Pantemis (GK); Juan David Mosquera (RB), Zac McGraw and Kamal Miller (CBs), Eric Miller (LB); at the 2, Diego Chara paired with Eryk Williamson; at the 3, Santiago Moreno, Evander and Dairon Asprilla, and all that with a cherry on top named Felipe Mora.

Between turnover in the roster and players coming back from injury, that isn’t a name-for-name match to the line-up the Timbers trotted out, say, at the beginning of 2023. And yet, when you look at the line-up the Timbers used in MLS Week 1 2023, it amounts to splitting the difference between identical and fraternal twins. In the sense that I rate Mora higher than the departed Jaroslaw Niezgoda and Moreno over the bizarrely hesitant (and also departed) Yimmi Chara, sure, that counts as improvement. But how much?

The fact that Timbers line-up lost their final preseason game to a serially terrible Chicago team injects some vibez gloom into the launch of the 2024 regular season. I don’t know of any franchise in all of sports has put in the work to alienate its fanbase the way Chicago has. Missing the playoffs in 10 of the last 11 seasons is the tip of an iceberg that could sink 100 Titanics. I don’t put any more stock into preseason than the next fan, and I understand that one of Chicago’s goals was a freak-show error that couldn’t be replicated without a live chicken and copious amounts of despair, but, as they say, still…

New York City FC 1-1 Portland Timbers: Notes on a Palm Springs Scuffle

The Timbers ran the gauntlet today. And survived.

Just some quick notes on the Portland Timbers 1-1 draw versus New York City FC to pass on. It’s only preseason and there’s still the regular season slog to get through after all.

First, I have no actual complaints. The performance walked a line closer to fine than good, but it cast some glances in a brighter direction and left me with nothing more than quibbles to enter into meeting minutes. The Timbers gave NYC a hand on the ball (hey-oh!), and they got broken down all the way 10-15 minutes later (left two guys wide open at the back post, Santiago Rodriguez and Malachi Jones), but unless I missed something else in the first ten minutes of the second half (shower ran long), that’s pretty much everything from Les Pigeons.

The Timbers, meanwhile, regrouped nicely after going down a goal. Better, they calmed down some problems before they turned into issues (see 1b) below). After a first half where they could only find forward momentum in wide areas and struggled a touch with getting started out of the back, Portland came out settled for the second half and got to where they could throw some weight around. When their goal came – roughly 47 minutes after NYCFC’s opener – it was more opportunistic than constructed, but, again, preseason. Stuff like that only rises to an issue if it persists...and isn’t that the worry? Still, glad Santiago Moreno made the most of his defender’s slip and god bless the NYC defense for losing Felipe Mora at the back post. Seeing the Timbers send a little more menace the opposing goal would have felt better, but it is what it is, which is one point.

That takes care of the overview. Now, to tick through some details…

1) Midfield, Arrangement

So, that was probably something like a 4-2-3-1, right? Maybe a 3-4-2-1? What I picked up (generally) was Zac McGraw, Kamal and Eric Miller holding down defense, Jaden Jones-Riley in a fairly back-to-front role on the right, Eryk Williamson and Diego Chara sitting deeper in midfield, with Moreno and Antony on either side of Evander a little ahead of them, and all that with Mora up top? Even if they lined up a little different, I didn’t mind it. I like Moreno more advanced, generally, and Antony looked more comfortable to me than he did last season. Seeing the latter did the heart good because, call me crazy, but I’d like to see the Timbers up the fear factor in opposing defenses.

Portland Timbers 2023 Post-Mortem, aka, I Was Strolling Through the Roster One Day...

Perhaps the greatest team player.

With this post, I intend to put the Portland Timbers’ whimper of a 2023 season to bed. My gods, where to begin…

For starters, I could dismiss the desperate optimism that percolated into the final preview post of the regular season: no matter what I and gods know how many others thought or hoped, 2023 was a hopeless, wet turd. Even had the Timbers backed into the playoffs, it wouldn’t have given any of us, be it fan, player, coach, or the guy that washes team’s laundry, anything more than the chance to say, “well, at least we had that.” If some parallel timeline exists where the Timbers lifted MLS Cup at the end of a mind-bending playoff run, many, many threads separate that loin-stirring paradise timeline from...well, this. Even if they started healthy and stayed that way all season, I’d put the Timbers’ meaningful chances of winning any trophy on the same level as a tiny snowball’s chance of rolling through a vast, flaming Hell without sweating off even one drop.

Changes are coming, of course. I believe we’ve all the seen reports that Portland will name the new head coach sometime in the next week and, for what it’s worth, I’m weirdly excited about this and completely willing to give whoever they hire a full, 17-game grace period, i.e., half of what I expect next season will be (surely, they can’t push that higher). That’s less to say I can't be disappointed by the announcement, than I can’t conceptualize the universe where they name someone so what-the-fuck (think Lincoln High’s soccer coach, and by slipping him a greasy $100) that I won’t give the new coach time to prove himself or herself. (I don’t believe any women have been named, but a woman wouldn’t count as a what-the-fuck hire for me.)

I don’t think I’ve made any secret of my belief that the general malaise and inadequacy starts with the roster – one that, to my mind, falls short individually, collectively, perhaps even interpersonally. No matter how much sense various snippets of reddit chatter make to me, I’ll leave that last one alone, and on the grounds that I don’t know how many hands it passed through before I read it, but my money’s on fourth-hand, once removed at best.

Summertime Sadness, aka, The Thing That's Wrong with the Timbers

Mood, man.

When was the last time the Portland Timbers actually excited you?

That answer varies based on your own experiences and personal predilections, naturally, and encompasses everything from how pissed you are about front office malfeasance to how The Product plays on the field. I’ve got my gripes with the front office – and gods know I’ve aired them – but this post deals strictly with The Product.

I’m going to start with last Sunday’s home win over FC Dallas, but won’t burn a lot of time on it, you saw it or you didn’t, etc. Portland played all right: they made Dallas ‘keeper Martin Paes work (and barely allowed Dallas a shot); they scored a smart goal, Evander lofted his cross just so into the seam where Franck Boli made his run – and that run opened up a lot of the goal for the finish, good high-percentage stuff in other words. [Ed. - I have no damn idea how The Mothership measures xG, but am quickly becoming obsessed with it.] Going the other way, Dallas played like tired shit – that’s against the clean win they picked up at home midweek over St. Louis CITY FC They played through St. Louis’ pressure, which can come at G-force, and took three points on the back of two good goals. All in all, I wouldn’t get too deep into how much Portland limited Dallas’ shots, they don’t generate a ton (even in a win), and so on. I don’t mean to imply it wasn’t a good result – in context, it tickles the belly of “fabu” because they looked nothing like guaranteed going in and I’ve seen players like Alan Velasco and Jesus Ferreira fuck a defense up. It’s the context around it where...I have concerns.

Sure, Portland ended the game over the line, and in something crazy like 8th place, but they share that lowly podium with (literally) four other teams and, as I see it, the broad arc of the Timbers’ season bends toward where they started the week, i.e., below the playoff line. And that brings me to the grand thesis:

There ain’t a lot to get excited about on this roster. I’d go so far as to argue that the Portland Timbers are in the midst of a “transition year” that has somehow lasted for two seasons.

Atlanta United FC 5-1 Portland Timbers: A Festival of Waiting and Staring

Every Timber, and all Timbers.

Let’s start here:

“I mean, I don’t want to overplay the possibility Portland will be ‘the next Charlotte,’ but I don’t want to ignore it either.”

I pulled that from my MLS Week 4 preview and, while I don’t tell the future often, I would have won the lottery with a call that precise in 90% of your state lotteries. If soccer has a spin on getting kicked in the balls hard and true, it’s giving up anything north of four goals. And yet I want to pause here to present a couple arguments...hold on, before I get on the upcoming roll, the Portland Timbers got rolled like...16 drunks (that’s starters plus five subs) tonight in and by Atlanta tonight, losing 1-5 to a team that’s starting to look somewhere between plausible and serious. And, yes, as confirmed by the stats, the Timbers could have lost by a couple more on a worse day.

Back to the arguments...

I don’t blame the defense for this one. It was at least three-times removed from perfect – see the collective bumble that let Atlanta’s Caleb Wiley slip through for a long-range tap-in for their first, or the field-wide absence of anything helpful to stop Giorgos Giakoumakis from breaking his duck, and all over Portland’s defense (....and where the hell does “breaking his duck” come from and why such a dirty phrase?). Giakoumakis' goal put the game to 1-3 against Portland, but things looked lost the second Thiago Almada – from Atlanta, obviously, because how could Portland have an MVP in a 1-5 loss? – thumped in a Georgia peach of a free-kick from....where do you reckon, Zeke? 28 yards? 30? I’m trying to cut back on linking in posts. Not just on the suspicion that no one hits any of the links, but because you’re all adults and you know how to find what you like...but Almada’s free kick is worth linking to, seriously.

After that, sure, you can fault Larrys Mabiala for getting bumped off the play by a player (Almada) about two-thirds his side and I’m just as sure someone out there has things to say about how Luiz Araujo got around Justin Rasmussen, but those were the fifth and fourth goals of the game, respectively (I listed those two in order of egregiousness), and, as noted above, if there’s a team “this fucker was over once Atlanta scored three” club, I hereby sign on as Treasurer.

Portland Timbers 1-2 St. Louis CITY FC: A Complicated Affair, with My Compliments to the Villains

Bro. Little help?

At this point in the season, nothing kicks you in the balls/punches you in the tits quite like the rare moments when the Portland Timbers look like a professional soccer team. By my math, that has happened exactly three times during the 2023 season – the last 25+ minutes against Los Angeles FC and, perhaps more tellingly, the first five minutes of the (seriously) home games against Sporting Kansas City – who, thank gods, suck as bad as they do – and, tonight, St. Louis CITY FC, aka, the team that yells at you!!!

Unlike that one, lonely win at SKC, St. Louis hammered on the Timbers’s fingers until they slipped off the cliff’s edge and that’s the how Portland fell to a 1-2 loss at Providence Park tonight. Gods’ honest truth, St. Louis' second goal slighted the Timbers’ honor slightly less than their first. Set pieces have been Portland’s Achilles heel for almost as long as Achilles sulked in his tent, but the fact not one single Timber tracked Jared Stroud’s late run on the equalizer...well, what is that but bad news? And when you suck at set pieces the way the Timbers do, the cost of allowing any other kind of mistake...well, what can that do but grow and grow until it chokes you like kudzu?

Details aside, the singularly most troublesome thing about the Timbers’ season so far is their collective and apparent inability to control a game in any way whatsoever. They can have moments, they can flash some magic here and there (don’t quote me on that), but I can’t remember the last time I felt like the Timbers had a real handle on any game they’ve played.

And yet, if you’re like me, you still hear the siren’s song, i.e., that soothing sense of calm that seeps into your senses when you see a promising 20 minutes last week, or a promising 20 minutes this week. It’s a seductive trance, of course...and I’m not saying that’s a bad thing, especially given the dreary reality of Timbers soccer right now, but, the real story of the 2023 season so far tracks closer to something I tweeted during in my game thread:

“It’s slipping away bit by bit but Portland’s doing all right so far, even if I miss and/or want to see more of the caffeinated [sic] beginning.”

Los Angeles FC 3-2 Portland Timbers: Taking the Good from the Present

The top rock on the left fell off around the 65th.

Just when you’d given up, amirite? Ah, what could have been had the Portland Timbers played the entire game the way they played the final 30 minutes...

One thing I know for sure: I didn’t see Evander’s goal coming until Cristian Paredes’ dummy got the words, “holy shit,” halfway out of my mouth. Everything Portland did to that point rattled around the bad bandwidth of anxious and useless – and to the point that any sane person would have taken inflated odds against them scoring a second. And yet they did, with a goal that mirrored the scramble that teed up Los Angeles FC’s opener. That gave the game a nice sort of symmetry, even if on a see-saw that had only begun to tilt toward balance.

Two big questions hang over the Timbers’ 2-3 loss away to LAFC.

First, did you expect anything but a loss? Just as a thought exercise, put away all the specific complaints from today, forget the...concerning first half: quiet your mind and ask yourself, would you have picked the Timbers team you saw down the stretch in 2022 to go into the tougher half of Los Angeles in the second game of the next season (aka, March) and win that game? Sub-question: what do you think your answer would be if I told you that Dairon Asprilla, Sebastian Blanco, Felipe Mora and (why not?) Yimmi Chara would not be available before the game?

Admit it. You would have thought for, at most, a second before muttering, “yeah, they’re fucked.”

That’s for anyone who needs a pick-me-up after The Half That Shall Not Be Named.

The second question seems bigger to me – and I pose it without having a clear answer.

How much did the triple substitution at the 59th minute change the game? To refresh your memory (and you’re not alone), the Timbers replaced Santiago Moreno, Marvin Loria and Justin Rasmussen with Larrys Mabiala, Cristhian Paredes, and Claudio Bravo, respectively. Some gnashing of teeth flared up in my wee corner of twitter – the grounds was Portland “going defensive,” which isn’t a crazy thought – but the changes made decent sense in context – i.e., Gio traded a a little more beef in defense (aka, Mabiala) for a player whose touch appeared afflicted by nerves (aka, Moreno), a solid shuttler (aka, Paredes) for a stymied soloist (aka, Loria), and he almost unquestionably upgraded the left back position and threw more attacking juice into the mix when he replaced Rasmussen with Bravo.