Portland Timbers 1 (4) -1 (2) FC Cincinnati: Training Wheels & Breaking the Brick Shit-House

Thomas Jefferson's, apparently...

Sorry for the delay. I poured my sorrows quite the sea to swim in last night…

I have this tactic I use when thumb wrestling, one that has no purpose beyond annoying my thumb’s opposition. With my fingers still laced with the other person’s, I extend my palm to where they can’t reach my thumb. Because there is no draw to play for a thumb wrestling, it isn’t anything but a joke…I think you see where this is going…

It took a penalty shoot-out to make the pain go away last night. But for the second worst decision in Steve Clark’s…very rich career, one of the least satisfying tactical battles in sporting history would have ended in regulation. What happened? Maybe Clark was bored as the rest of us? Whatever caused him to hoist himself onto the high-wire of making that clumsy, stupid touch instead of doing the right and simple thing may never be fully known. Regardless, that moment of sheer idiocy and resulting, well-justified penalty kick (scored by Jurgen Locadia) very nearly undid 67 minutes of the soul-sucking work of looking for a way into the brick shit-house FC Cincinnati built in front of its goal, a choice that was every bit as annoying, and ultimately pointless, as my go-to thumb-wrestling technique. The Timbers finally slipped around the back (and, Lo, what a mighty fortress it was) when Sebastian Blanco found a backdoor behind the defense, one left open when a pair of their defenders strayed too high on their right. Cincy’s central defenders scrambled to snuff Blanco and Jaroslaw Niezgoda slipped into the pocket (yes, that guy; not Diego Valeri; still correcting a bad tweet) to two-time a goal into Cincy’s net. With that, echoes of “FC Cincinnati, come out to play-ay” rang over the stadium. And they responded in their way: first came the massive assist that, had the Timbers not won the, apparently, divinely-ordained penalty shoot-out, would surely would go in the history books as Clark’s Cock-Up ™.

I suppose I shouldn't over-sell Cincinnati's attacking feebleness, because they had enough moments for the upset, up to and including scoring what looked like the OG go-ahead goal, only to see that called back for offside (good call, too). They damn-near bagged a winner when Clark (who, swear to God, gets all up in his own head) bumbled a late attempt (no video, dammit; I don't get to choose these things); Locadia also skied what should have been . Valeri came just as close either before or after (after, says the highlights round-up), and that takes us back to being playthings of the gods

Thankfully, and honestly for all concerned outside the greater Cincinnati media market, general operating assumptions reasserted themselves during the penalty kicks: Portland swept them, and Clark even found a little redemption when he stopped Locadia’s shot; Kendall Waston sealed the deal by leaning waaayyyy back and skying his shot, frankly, way over the crossbar.

Los Angeles FC 2-2 Portland Timbers: A Game in Three Acts

Yeah, what the hell? Middle-aged beefcake

I was going to title this post “Real Rocky,” but that was premised on the Portland Timbers losing to Los Angeles FC tonight. After giving it some thought, that only made sense superficially - e.g., maybe Portland’s the underdog (yes, fine, probably), but they’re not shitty players, they weren’t heavies for the mob before getting into soccer, and so on. Also, didn’t the first Rocky(!) end in a tie?

Unlike all the Rocky sequels, Portland’s 2-2 draw against LAFC didn’t suck (don't @ me). In keeping with all the Rocky movies, however, it told a tale in scenes and acts. Two rivals fought, the upper hand shifting from one (I’d give the Timbers the first 20 minutes and most the time after both teams made subs) to the other (LAFC dominated the first half and held the edge up to about the 60th, when a combination of legs and talent gave out) across (roughly) 97 sprawling minutes. Come to think of it - and why the hell have I never used dramatic structure to frame a game? - this game fit a three-act formula with unusual precision…if literally and exclusively from the Timbers perspective. Here’s the outline:

The Timbers start strong - all is well! - and find their just reward through a clinical goal from Jaroslaw Niezgoda that, if only in retrospect, came easily, too easily, as if in warning. As the game turns to the 30th minute (end of Act I), storm clouds gather on the horizon…here, “the horizon” means the top of Portland’s defensive third, where LA’s players found way too much time and, with that, they started stringing together combinations, picking up fouls in dangerous places (as demonstrated by Eduardo Atuesta’s free kickbefore the 30th minute!). Curtain. [End Act I]

And yet Portland had held the weight of LAFC pressure at bay, even into Act II. LAFC edged close, and closer, then so close you could feel their swampy Orlando breath on your neck, but surely, they couldn’t…NO! A bolt by Latif Blessing lacerates the heart of Portland’s center, finding LAFC’s dashing forward, Bradley Wright-Phillips at the true and vulnerable heart of Portland’s defense…or, rather, 5-10 yards behind it. He lashes home, honestly, one hell of a goal, but I’ve always loved that guy…more on him later, in fact. The siege continues, fortune slips through Portland’s fingers one probing combination sequence after another, unrelenting, dizzying, leaving Portland gasping for air, wondering whether the next threat would come from around the fullback, or into the seam between fullback and centerback. They succumb to the weight, at long last (actually, just four minutes), and, with chance following chance, the Timbers seem doomed to fall under an avalanche of goals, and into a hell where they'll face their dread, smelly rivals, the Seattle Sounders…again (and again and again and again). And yet LAFC’s attacks do not relent [Ed. - For the factual record, LAFC posted 19 shots, just three of them on goal; just building tension here; don’t want to give a false impression.]…until the half-time whistle. Both sides go to their (ideally) sanitized locker rooms to regroup, perhaps reflect on their fate in the universe. Perhaps a player offers a soliloquy…

FC Cincinnati 2-0 New York Red Bulls: The Incredible Power of Being Under-Estimated

Stunningly, this is not an oft-used phrase...

When I first started writing about the Portland Timbers the second time around, there was a guy in the blogging community who named his site Possession with Purpose. Before going on, I want to make one thing very clear, he was a good guy (met him once or twice), I had no beef with his content, etc. etc. It was the name of his site that got to me, specifically, the implication of possession itself as an objective good. I found that unbelievably distracting, and with the emphasis on unbelievably. Possession is fine when, obviously…when it works.

Before I start obsessing about the New York Red Bulls, I want to make one more thing very clear, clearer even than the point above: FC Cincinnati deserved its sleepwalk-of-2-0 win over New York. More than that, I want to talk about what they’ve accomplished over…two short games (I mean, obviously, what happened against Columbus, 1) stands tall against the point I’m making and, 2) was extraordinarily agonizing to watch…like a bully beating his victim, I tell you.). The 2019 season saw (for those who need reminding, aka, no one) Cincinnati post the record for the most goals allowed in Major League Soccer history; they turned in the worst-ever goal differential, and by a wider margin. Cincy’s defense was fucking horrific last season - and yet they’re headed into the knockout rounds of MLS Is Back with just a -1 goal differential. Yes, both Atlanta United FC and the Red Bulls sucked far, far worse than anyone (or most people) expected and that’s part of it. I’ll get to that, trust me. Sticking with Cincinnati…

My wife came down mid-way through the second half and, things being as they were by that time, of course I drifted out of the game now and again (and again) talking to her, sometimes about completely different subjects. When I looked up, though, the same broad plot-lines stood out. First, Cincinnati rarely had possession, but they always looked sharper and, this is big, more certain in possession when they had it. I wouldn’t even call it counter-attacking soccer, either, and that’s as a good thing. Once Cincy established possession and got their heads up, they started moving forward, creating passing options and looking for them. By the time went up two goals (56th minute), and forgot all about the trap-door they’d stood on going into the game, I’d even say that got a little jiggy with it, e.g., throwing in the odd back-heel, stepping over the ball to dummy it to another player; they looked like a team having fun, and why not? I’m not arguing it was random, or that it came from nothing, so much as I’m praising its composure.

The Magical World of Major League Soccer: Preseason 2.0, Round 2, The Narrowing Field

For your nightmares...

With the Magic World of Major League Soccer bubble keeping the COVID at bay, the MLS Is Back tournament has given fans the guilty pleasure they want, but without the guilt (so far). And, since it looks like we’re dealing with a regular tournament, let’s dig into the second game of Preseason 2.0 for…most concerned.

Like last week, I listed results and notes below according to group, with a note about how long a look I got at the game - e.g., “baby highlights,” (the four minute jobbers on MLS site), MLS in 15 (from the MLS App), a half a game, or the full 90. Only the two teams I track, the Portland Timbers and FC Cincinnati, got the full 90 treatment this week. Life, man…here goes.

Group A
New York City FC 1-3 Orlando City (MLS in 15)
Philadelphia Union 2-1 Inter Miami CF (MLS in 15)
NYCFC scored the better goal, but Orlando got three of ‘em – even if the first should have been offside. New York created more (general) chances (but Orlando put as many on goal), so the final score flatters Orlando a bit, but Orlando’s ‘keeper, Pedro Gallese, kept out a lot of shots and Valentin Castellanos missed the rest (not really, but it totally looked that way). Another take could be that Orlando got started before NYCFC got their shoes on – both of Chris Mueller’s goals came in the first 10 minutes (I think) – and that’s the real story of what looked like an otherwise balanced game. Group A’s other second game saw Philly slip past a Miami team that, just found out, hasn’t earned a point in MLS yet (and…still waiting), in a game that, by everything I’ve looked at, looked too close for Philly’s comfort. Brenden Aaronson continues to impress (didn’t know he had those wheels) and he had a hand in both Union goals, but this looked more like Philly punishing Miami’s breakdowns that dominating the game. (That said, the Union showed what they can do by putting together a little move that almost earned them a late goal; fun). My own personal Rodolfo Pizarro watch continues, and his inter-play to creating the goal promises fun things ahead, if not always good ones. As noted in last week’s recap, these results put both Orlando and Philly through to the knockout round, and the two teams will square off for bragging rights in the final Group A game. As for Miami, I thought NYCFC looked good enough to beat them, and they did, so…still waiting on that first point. For what it’s worth, this looks like one of the likeliest groups to send just two teams to the knockout rounds.

Portland Timbers 2-1 Houston Dynamo: Good and Good Enough

You taste it after. Trust me.

My man of the match for the Portland Timbers 2-1, get-on-to-the-next-round win over the Houston Dynamo was Larrys Mabiala. The reason: as born out by the box score, Houston set up the penultimate ball over and over again - and they posted 24 shots (over Portland’s 13), and crossed into the area 22 times (to Portland’s eight, a refreshing detail) - but one Timber or another got in the way of damn near everyone of those shots and crosses. The Dynamo’s four shots on target attest to that. Mabiala didn’t cut out everything that flew into the area, but he cleared more than his share, and I think Portland owes the win to its defensive core.

Before going on, I simply have to share my delight at hearing ESPN’s Alejandro Moreno talk about the staggering end of the Houston Dynamo dynasty, the 2011 and 2012 MLS Cup teams that “succeeded” by playing the grinding brand of soccer that fans enjoyed and neutrals endured, maybe even suffered. A throwback to the Bobby Boswell/Geoff Cameron juggernaut was a moment for a guy who marched through the first 20 years of MLS history (e.g., me; for the record, Moreno was on the much more compelling 2006 MLS Cup-winning Houston team).

Back to the present, Moreno dredged up that history in the context of the Dynamo’s shaky recent history - e.g., missing the playoffs, and badly, for four out of the past five years (and they finished 10th in 2017, the one season they made it; grim shit). The question was posed as a trade-off - pleasure versus success, enjoying watching your team versus reaching a final - and, as an argument, it manages to be fair and irrelevant in the same breath. Those early 2010s Houston teams took bigger risks on attacking talent (e.g., legit MLS legend Brad Davis getting enough out of Will Bruin and Cam Weaver), while Houston’s more recent editions looked to the best attacking talent Honduras has to offer - e.g., Alberth Elis, Mauro Manotas, and, until this season, Romell Quioto - often at the expense of a good defense, on the grounds they’d run over the opposition.

With more money coming into the league [Ed. - This is too loose], Houston has been able to hold on to its Honduran talent (Quioto excepted, who, incidentally, did all right for Montreal this week) and build up its defense a bit. They’ve still struggled a bit over past couple seasons, coming in over average, but not heavily, for goals against, but they’ve also attempted to cure by calling in Aljaz Struna and Matias Vera in 2019, then ripping the fucking heart out of Timbers’ fans by swiping up Zarek Valentin for their 2020 roster. All the same…surely, I’m not the only one who saw Houston try to win this game by pressing Portland, right? Especially after they went down at the 35th minute by way of a straight-up glorious striker’s goal by Jeremy Ebobisse.

Atlanta United FC 0-1 FC Cincinnati: Frankie Learns to Ride a Bike

Frankie Amaya, just a couple weeks ago...

With the second yellow/sending off of Atlanta United FC’s Jake Mulraney, a game that started as a salvage operation for FC Cincinnati evolved into something else. And I’m not even going to attempt to describe what that is because a dog-pile of weirdness surrounds FC Cincy’s 1-0 win over Atlanta this morning. Where to begin…

If you’re a parent, especially of a very young kid, you’ve had that moment where you can’t talk your kid into something you know they’re gonna love – think, say, riding a bike. To carry the analogy one step further, think of Mulraney’s sending off as training wheels. To set the scene: there you are, your kid is propped up on a bike that’s basically arranged to not fall down. All your son or daughter needs to do is pedal.

The question that lingers about this game for me was the extent to which Cincinnati’s still-brand-new head coach, Jaap Stam, encouraged his charges to starting pushing the pedals. Prior to Mulraney’s secondyellow, Cincinnati clearly lined up and played with avoiding a loss as the highest priority…which made sense after the searing blow-out against Columbus Crew SC a few days back. It’s after the red card where the questions came in. I didn’t expect them to fly forward the second Victor Rivas (the ref) flashed the red – as made plain today, Cincinnati has only vague theories about how to get to goal at this point – but as, it grew increasingly obvious that Atlanta shares the same weakness, I expected a little more urgency out of the Orange and Blue.

The one player to consistently provide it was Joe Gyau, who figured out early, and then again later, that he could play around whoever Atlanta played at left back. In fact, the duel between Gyau and Atlanta’s Edgar Castillo (subbed on to replace the absent Mulraney) provided the only fireworks worth watching in what otherwise played out as one dull, aimless fucking game. Cincy bunkered from the start, but the whole thing devolved into wayward crosses over dueling sets of low-blocks and general flailing.

In an attempt to conjure up a frame for the game, Taylor Twellman and Jon Champion floated the question of how large/long this win will linger in Cincinnati fans’ shared history. Speaking solely for myself, I’ll strive mightily to forget it after this post goes up. I don’t intend that to take anything away from the man of the hour, Frankie Amaya, who scored an absolutely cracking first professional goal; that the team made it stay up (assist by Atlanta) will leave him with a memory he’ll carry around for life. I’m not even going to fart around with my usual theories of replicability (i.e., did Cincy find a reliable route to goal) on the grounds that, when a player hits the ball that beautifully, it is good and right to take off your hat and say, “well done, son!”

The Magical World of Major League Soccer: Preseason 2.0, Round 1

I'm the guy in yellow...the second one.

To answer the obvious question, yes, I took varieties of long looks at all the games played during the first round of the Magical World of Major League Soccer. I watched all of some games, the MLS in 15 edits of the ones I didn’t get to, plus the very, very short highlights for Sporting Kansas City’s tournament-opening mystery collapse against Minnesota United FC because, two whole goddamn days later, the MLS in 15 edit for that remains pending. With that, welcome to my ongoing compulsion with staying over-informed; gods be praised that it doesn’t carry over to being either timely.

Like a defender marking up on a set-piece (only the set-piece never, never ends), I use these posts and process of writing them mainly to keep touch with what’s happening; they aren’t comprehensive – I let the professionals handle that - but more along the lines of, “wait, Chicago just did what now?,” “when did Pipa Higuain start playing for DC?,” and “maybe this isn’t the season when SKC turns it around?” All that becomes context for what comes next…even if, “in these unprecedented times,” no one knows what will come even two months from them. Still, some thoughts on that…

First, I’m starting to believe they might pull the damn thing off – maybe even without casualties. More to the point, so long as they keep venues at (very) reduced capacity (e.g., 25%, maybe 33%, and in masks and clusters, plus no drinking/eating), plus sufficiently-rigid protocols to preserve them, MLS could maybe even get away with moving players from bubble to bubble (also, via bubbles, aka, chartered flights only) to play out the rest of the…or, rather, a season. I understand how crazy that sounds, but I spend a lot of time thinking about COVID-safe bubbles and with enough thought and expense, plus damn-near total commitment among players, staffs, and the support systems around the teams, I think it’s possible to build functioning bubbles. Which is a long way of admitting that, the likelihood of continuing after the Magical World of Major League Soccer…sorry, Is Back, without infections relies on enough variables as to approach 0%...

…but I'm still guessing they'll try it. And I know I’ll watch it, if up to a point. I don’t know the threshold for infections, or even career-ending disability for a player, that would compel me to whimper enough and do my part to deny the monster life, but think a mass of continued, regular infections and more than one player losing a career would move me to turn it off and condemn the whole affair. Individual beliefs/comfort levels may vary, as they should.

Los Angeles Galaxy 1-2 Portland Timbers: Freelancing and Foundations

It's easier, basically, with certain advantages...

As I look back on the wide wonder that just happened, I want to start with the Los Angeles Galaxy and caveats related thereto. As noted during the in-game commentary, and despite having the firsttwo best chances to get a go-ahead goal, both of them through their latest prize-pony, Javier “Chicharito” Hernandez (and one of them a penalty kick that forced a double save out of Steve Clark), the Galaxy played like they couldn’t tell one end of the field from the other. Don’t take that literally, by any means, I’m just arguing that LA had an aimless air about them, something that looked more like faith in some vague notion that everything would all work out, as opposed to belief that it would. Taking action toward making it all work out didn’t seem to occur to them until they were two goals down and one man up (fine, that happened sometime before, but I’m riffing), so call that piece of information as something that, as a Portland Timbers fan (probably), should internalize as you digest what just happened tonight.

The game ended 2-1 in Portland’s favor and, it bears noting that Chicharito pulled back LA’s lone goal, and with a run that I don’t think I see all that often in MLS. As they called the game from the broadcast booth, John Strong and Stu Holden hinted at the notion that Guillermo Barros Schelotto didn’t seem to provide a frame for what LA did, particularly in the attack – i.e., their thought was that he told his team to take the field and figure it out. I don’t know how true that is, but I do know that several Galaxy players put in good shifts tonight – e.g., I saw good, consistent work/ideas from Rolf Feltscher, Emiliano Insua, Sacha Kljestan, and Cristian Pavon (especially this guy, aka, Diego Chara's kicking post). I also saw a roster that shares the fatal weaknesses as LA’s worst teams – i.e., the loosely-competent (e.g., Perry Kitchen, Daniel Steres, arguably Sebastian Lletget) serving a star (again, Chicharito).

I bring all that up as a caveat, because I’m about to get way the hell over my skis on this one.

I was impressed by what I saw from the Timbers tonight – especially with four relative noobs in the Starting Xi (that’s the “starting Xi” not that Starting XI), in which I include Marvin Loria, Chris Duvall, Eryk Williamson and Dario Zuparic. For what it’s worth, I think Duvall and Williamson did great – the latter, in particular, but they both impressed me – and Zuparic was…more or less fine until that second, deserved yellow card. (Loria, meanwhile, gets filed under “if you can’t say something nice, shhhh, say nothing.) Given how open the question of who’s depth and who’s a starter feels right now, I’ll take that as an operating assumption for the rest of this post…moving on…

FC Cincinnati 0-4 Columbus Crew SC: The Art of Massage

Sometimes you use it to break your opponent...

I can tell you the exact moment my spirit broke – and it came well after Columbus Crew SC’s two goals in stupid-quick succession in the first half. That…long, long moment came immediately before Columbus scored its third goal on the night in the form of a three-to-four-minute span of baby-seal-in-a-pod-of-orcas collective helplessness from FC Cincinnati as they strained…horrifically to pass the ball out of their defensive third without giving in to despair and/or the hapless long ball. This game ended the second Columbus understood they could give Cincinnati the collective vapors with a little aggressive man-marking in Cincy’s defensive third. It also ended 4-0 in Columbus’ favor.

In the bigger picture, with literally everything in the starting line-ups breathily hinting toward a Columbus win, what reason did anyone have beyond COVID-layoff-and-a-prayer to think that Cincinnati would win this game? Columbus hardly shined in 2019 (no playoffs, 10th in the East), but they had a better foundation on which to build and they added better-pedigreed pieces – e.g., Lucas Zelarayan, who, incidentally, came more than a little good last night. More than anything else, Columbus added pieces between 2019 and 20 to make a midfield that looks coherent. Artur with Darlington Nagbe behind Youness Mohktar, Zelarayan and Luis Diaz made sense on paper – and even more sense when you saw it work in practice, e.g., a 5-7 minute of terror by Diaz in Cincy’s left channel. The point is, Columbus has a well-constructed midfield scheme, a system where every player makes some sense where you see them, even if only conceptually.

Going the other way, every theory I saw on the midfield that FC Cincinnati threw (up) onto the field tonight just did not make sense. The 4-1-4-1 line-up MLS’s site shows for the line-up wasn’t miles off, but the scheme that worked…at least for as long as it did – and that’s 15 minutes, maybe 20 – looked more like a 4-3-3, and I say that admitting I had a hell of a time finding Haris Medunjanin out there. That said, even if you allow for a line-up that had Frankie Amaya, Siem de Jong and Medunjanin playing behind Yuya Kubo, Kekuta Manneh, and Adrien Regattin, that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense either. Call me crazy, but it’s like Cincinnati built a bad roster at some point and still haven’t recovered from that original sin…

To touch on Columbus one more time, while there’s some dispute as to whether it took 10 or 20 minutes, most observers seems to agree that both teams spent some time feeling the other out. After Zelarayan broke the spell by curling a free kick into Przemyslaw Tyton’s net, the story of this game was Columbus finding Cincy’s like a psychic masseuse and exploiting every breakdown. They pinned Cincinnati from that point forward, whether by holding possession and passing around and (way too often) through them, or through a man-marking high-press that visibly panicked a Cincy team that’s learning a new system, a new coach, and navigating a pandemic. Nagbe and Artur look like a league-elite deep midfield and, with Zelarayan, Diaz and Mohktar showing flashes of what they can do and players like Pedro Santos and Fanendo Adi waiting in the wings, Columbus’ ceiling keeps pushing up. That said, Vito Wormgoor, new addition for 2020 and heavy-metal icon (obviously), limped off in the first half and he seemed important to Columbus’ plans for 2020. Cincinnati couldn’t test that (can we rewrite the rules to that a team can get points for reaching the midfield stripe?), but who’s to say that Atlanta United FC and the New York Red Bulls won’t, because my guess is they will...

As for FC Cincinnati…Jesus Christ…

An MLS History Project, the Capstone: Index and Joy Points Power Rankings

Wow. How do you spell "compensation?"

“Fortunately, that also signals that Major League Soccer had survived its growing pains – the acne (teal uniforms), hair in places that it wasn’t before (going with the Tampa Bay Mutiny), breaking voices (no ties and the shootout) and random boners (I don’t know…the Colorado Rapids?). MLS has been a (probably) viable league (old habits die hard) since then and the panting of The Grim Reaper grew fainter and fainter with every season after 2001 (well, until the COVID). In general terms, the league keeps adding teams and raising the salary cap; fans see only tweaks to the rules of competition, maybe a poorly-scheduled post-season now and again, but they’re not seeing, say, rearranged conferences or the local team evaporating.”

Welcome to this monster review/index/First Draft History of Major League Soccer. I created this post for a couple reasons, first among them, to cap off the series and to get all the links and cumulative info in one place. The series included entries for every season from 1996 to 2015 and covered all the stuff that popped into my head on reading about different names and events. I have links to and summaries for all of those posts in the second half of this one. Due to several things, including the information available, I didn’t follow any singular template or format, and there was no small amount of figuring out where to look and what to share from post to post. Some are better than others (e.g., I started with 1996 trying to go from memory alone), but they all give a sampling of events and the flavor of each season, with a healthy sprinkling of name-dropping, no matter how idiosyncratic. Related, I can’t remember where I lifted the above quote out of, but it was a posts in the series. It struck me as a good, general statement…

I also wanted to…y’know, add something to the record, and that’s where this post starts. I reviewed the final standings for every season in MLS history – and those I continued beyond the series to 2019 – to track every team’s record of success, failure, near-misses and mediocrity from (their) beginning to (their) end. Next, I dumped several pieces of raw data into a hairy, horned monster of an Excel spreadsheet, added still more data*, then tortured information out of it by assigning numerical values to certain regular events in every season. [*Ed. – I tracked how where each team finished relative to the average number of goals scored/allowed in a given season – e.g., “O” was over, “U” under, “VO” very over, and VVU “very, very under, etc. - and that shows up in the blurbs on each, but not elsewhere.] That, dear, unlucky reader, is how I calculated each team’s “Joy Points” – i.e., a measure of how successful they’ve all been at winning hardware or just playing well. I calculated “Joy Points” using these values:

Winning Supporters’ Shield: +3 points
Winning MLS Cup: +2 points
MLS Cup runner-up: +1 point
Missing the playoffs: -1 point
Missing the playoffs in “low-bar”* seasons: -2 points
Worst Record for the season: -2 points
“Entertainment Bonus”: +1 point for every season with a positive goal differential

(* “Low-bar season means any season where 2/3 of all competing teams qualified for the playoffs. Those included only 1996, 1997, and 2002-2004.)